Jester issue 50

Issue 50 March

There we go dear reader, another Valentines gone by and not a single bloody card or message. The only attention I get these days, is when my smart phone whistles at me. So sad.

Anyway, on the up side, some of you will notice a few differences in this months Jester. YES!!! The front, back and inside front and back pages are in colour. Posh hey. One other very important point is that we have now reached half a century (50 months) worth of “the jester”. There are now over 50,000 (fifty bloody thousand) copies floating around out there. They are sent all over the world. I believe even Barack reads it.

And it is all down to you sick buggers advertising in it and the even sicker buggers reading it.

I thank you from the heart of my bottom.

I have to admit, if someone had said to me (all those years ago), that I would still be putting “the jester” together today, I would have thought pink elephants and given up the booze there and then. In that time, we have had the odd complaint and accusation of some form of ism or another. One elderly woman accused me ageism when I pointed out about pensioners and holidays. She told me that she

would never read “the jester” again.

And although I hate to lose a valued reader, I must admit I couldn’t help thinking that I would have lost her as a reader in a few months anyway (to Jesus or the other fellow).

We’ve even Had one veiled death threat. But we’ve certainly a whole lot of fun. And just think, I get to read all the jokes, and see all the cartoons and pictures before any of you.

Great or what.

Let’s hope we can reach 100.

March sees two Saints days.

St David's day on the 1st and St Patricks day on the 17.

To all our Welsh and Irish readers.

I hope you have a great Celebrations.

So dear reader, here’s to the start of the next 50 issue.

Thanks again.

Ed.

It is with sadness, that we inform you of the passing of one of our loyal readers.

Mr Cliff Gill.

On the 14th of January 2014.

Our thoughts and prayers are with Andrea and the Gill family at this sad time.

Rest in peace Mr. Gill.

The Jester takes no responsibility whatsoever on behalf of advertisers with regard to any claims made by, or information given in advertisements contained within this publication. Under no circumstances can any part of “The Jester” publication including text, illustrations, photographs or complete advertisements, be reproduced without the express permission of “The Jester” Editor.

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Dear Editor, If a woman wants to be adored for her beautiful smile or bright eyes then she would do well to keep her shirt buttoned ALL the way up.

Trevor. Playa Flamenca.

Yeah, sluts.

Ed. Dear Editor, Why did God create women?

Because hopes and dreams don't crush themselves.

You bitter sexist pig you.

Ed. Dear Editor, The dream job. Work whenever you like, as much sex as you like with different people every day! So why are prostitutes so bloody miserable!!!

Craig. Los Alcazarez.

Bloody beats me.

Ed. Dear Editor, Isn’t it amazing, that although china have over a billion males..

They still all manage to go to the same barber.

Dear Editor, I have been experimenting with homosexuality. And just like small furry animals, homosexuals don't like being electrocuted either.

Dickie Squats. Costa Blanca.

There’s a shocker.

Ed. Dear Editor, My wife was reading one of her magazines and turned to me and asked "Have you ever shagged a fat munter?"

She said it with a straight face too.

Tony. Chesterfield. UK. Did she, bless her?

Ed.

Tim. Entre Naranjos.

That’s very racist. Wha, you no like yerro peepol.

Ed. To advertise in, or stock The Jester please call or text: Paul on: 664 10 60 10

Please send your letters, comments, jokes, funny stories, pictures and cartoons to: jestereditor@hotmail.co.uk or join us on facebook.

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My ugly twelve year old son came up to me and asked, "Dad, can you give me some sex advice," "Yes son," I replied, "take care of your right arm, you're going to need it."

My wife said to me, "Not tonight, I've got a headache." It's good to see that the poison's working.

Apparently if your girlfriend or wife ever says "if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new...." "anything" doesn't include getting stuck in a traffic.

I was looking through the menu at a French restaurant last night when I saw the special was stuffed escargots. I said to the waiter, "What are they stuffed with?" "Salad." He replied. "Really?"

I asked. He said, "Yes, they ate it all."

I was speaking to my son today about being a fully licensed driver. "Now I know you're dead chuffed that you've passed your test and you can drive on your own now, but you still have to be just as alert and cautious behind the wheel as you were before. There are so many arseholes on the road these days that make things very dangerous for everyone." "I know Dad." he said, "But how will I be able to tell whether someone's an arsehole or not when I'm driving?"

"Well son, the immediate tell tale signs would probably be the skin-tight lycra shorts and the helmet."

"Hello, undertaker? Yes, my wife just passed away. Could you please come and retrieve her body?" "My condolences, sir. Where do you live?" "168 Eucalyptus Drive." "Could you spell that out for me, sir?" "...How 'bout I just drag her to the end of Oak street and you pick her up there?"

I speak up for animals because they can't speak up for themselves.

Except parrots, obviously. And that snake in The Bible.

I threw my wife a surprise birthday party this year and she said I scared her half to death. Hopefully when I surprise her on our anniversary it'll finish the bitch off.

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I told my gay mate I'd suck his dick the day pigs flown through the air and fish swam through the streets. Oops.

The average man can fill a 500ml bottle with his sperm in 2 weeks. I had a very lonely Holiday.

My wife has bought one of these things to wear that rounds your figure off, and I must admit, she looks pretty good as an orange.

a hole in her head. I pointed out to her she has a hole in her head and it never shuts up.

Buses are like piles.

I watch porn while Nowhere to be seen then my girlfriend works and suddenly up your arse. she hates it. She says I'm supposed to be watching What is the worlds best chat up line? In my her kids.

experience, It’s Cocaine. My wife said she misses the gentleman that she A few of my mates have married years ago. been trying to get into my What's the problem? wife's knickers. We've set Didn't I hold the umbrella a record of eight of us so yesterday whilst she far. changed the car tyres?

What have dwarf I stopped making love tossing and marmite to my wife the day we got in common? A little goes a long way.

I'm not saying my wife is computer illiterate, but when I asked her to book mark a webpage for me, I found my laptop shut with a fucking gas bill sticking out of the side...

My wife said that she needed sex like she needs 5

got married. I've fucked her a few times though.

I found the perfect place to hide some cash from my wife so she doesn't find it. It's in the small left pocket of her purse.

I'm Going To Hang A Batman Costume In My Wardrobe.. Just To Screw With Myself When The Alzheimer's Kicks In!!

I've been told I should write an autobiography in order to try make some money. But I don't know much about cars.

can make it. Only another nine stone to go."

My gran is 93 and still doesn't need glasses.

Drinks right from the bottle.

On a scale from scouser to Nigerian pay pal account, how trustworthy is David Cameron?

Sat in McDonalds with the wife today when a girl walked in wearing the most revealing dress I'd ever seen. It barely reached her thighs and was so low-cut that if she coughed, her bra-less tits would undoubtedly jump out for all to see. Also, it had the slogan 'bitch whore' printed all over it. "Eugh, look at that."

Shuddered my wife. "You'd never get me in a dress like that." "I should think not." I replied. "It's a size ten."

My wife's sister visited us yesterday in her brand new Porsche. Astonished, my wife asked her "How could you afford this?!" "You know, a blow job every now and again makes my husband very generous," she replied. Surprised, my wife turned to me and winked, "I think I'll start doing that." "Me too," I replied, turning to my sister in law.

"What's your husband's number?"

My wife said to me, "Not tonight, I've got a headache." It's good to see that the poison's working.

I saw this very fat girl running towards me in a track suit, trainers, bottle of water, the full kit. So I tried to encourage her, "Go on love, you can do it, come on now, keep going, you 6

As my wife lay on her deathbed she whispered in my ear, "Death is not the end you know." I think she was just trying to wind me up one last time.

My mates daughter was going on her first date. He said to her before she left, "If he touches your boobs say don't and if he touches your vagina say stop."

She came home later. He said, "Did you obey my instructions?" She said, "Yes, he touched my boobs and my vagina so I said don't stop."

I got home from work last night and there was a note from my wife on the kitchen table. It read: 'I can't take your criticism any more, ruin your own fucking dinner.'

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When I first met my wife all she wanted to do was fuck me and wank me off. Now all she does is call me a wanker and tell me to fuck off.

After going to the trouble of buying dinner for two, wine, flowers and chocolate, I would have thought that a getting a blowjob would be the least I could expect. Apparently not, and the checkout girl even called the manager.

I showed a class of Welsh children a David Blaine DVD and they looked worried at the magical powers on display. But then I explained how televisions work and they relaxed.

The boss came over to my desk and said 'Can I have that report I asked for?'

'Ah...' I started to reply. 'Don't tell me you haven't done it!' he yelled, 'OK', I replied, 'I won't, but you're going to find out sooner or later!'

I ordered a small Cappuccino in Starbucks this morning and gave the cashier a ÂŁ50 note. "Is this all you've

got?" she asked. "I'm afraid so." I replied, "Is that a problem?" "Of course it's a problem," she said, "You're 65p short."

"What's up mate, you look a bit glum?" I asked my friend earlier. "I got sacked today without any pay or any bonuses, just because I had sex with my secretary." He moaned. "Fuck, that's harsh." I replied. "What should you have got?" "Consent." He replied.

I saw a man sobbing on my way to work this morning. "What's the problem?" I said putting my hand on his shoulder, "Got problems at home?" "Fuck off!" he replied, "Do you want a Big Issue or not!"

I went to a vegetarian Swimming Pool Specialists restaurant last night and All Areas Covered when I'd finished the waiter Complete Service Available asked, "How was your meal, Re-Grout Service Available sir?" "It was very nice," I Call Dave on 667 273 831 replied. "My compliments Email: christapools@hotmail.co.uk to the gardener."

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If Mary, James, Peter, Richard, David and John are all in separate vehicles, travelling at a constant speed of 60mph, in a forward direction with no obstacles, at which point is Mary likely to stamp on her brakes and cause a fucking accident?

I've discovered that there are some women in this world who don't like it when you cum on their tits. For example, those stuck up ones that are sat on the bus with their kids.

I invited my date back to my place for coffee. She agreed, but made it clear that it would be coffee and nothing else.

Later on, I came out of the kitchen to find her lay on my sofa in her underwear. "I know what I said, "she smiled, "but I've changed my mind. I want you to make love to me, right here, right now." "Oh, for fuck's sake," I moaned, slamming the cups of coffee

on the table. "What's wrong?" she asked.

"I thought you'd be happy." "It's great," I replied, "but it means I've just wasted the last of my rohypnol."

My wife and I decided to go on a second honeymoon to try and rekindle our passion. It was very similar to the first one, you should've heard the sobbing and refusing to come out the bathroom. Then I thought, "I suppose I have to go out there and face her."

Sitting an exam the other day and I got the question 'Rajesh has 5 apples and gives 3 to Leroy, who already has 3.

Leroy says he will have 5 apples, but Rajesh thinks he will have 6, who was right?' Well after a look at all the Pakis and Blacks in the room, the answer was clearly Enoch Powell.

Laugh, and the whole, non-Muslim, world laughs with you.

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My Muslim next-door neighbour has just been round. Bless him, someone gave him a bar of soap and he wanted to know how to cook it.

You know you're really fucking pissed when you sit down on the toilet and try to put your seat belt on.

lost. I can't even pull the blinds.

An irrational woman can stay mad longer than a rational man can stay sober.

The only thing better than sitting in the hot tub after a workout is sitting in a hot tub instead of a workout.

I pulled a Thai bird last night. Well it was either that, or a blowjob.

Ignoring an erection at a funeral is no easy How long does it take matter. Especially when it the average woman to is wedging the coffin open. orgasm? Who cares.

Do you know what I had sex with my young, happens when you inject blonde secretary, and HIV infected blood into a made her promise to Paki? You get seven years, keep it a secret. A lot but it's well worth it. of good that did. I told I got pulled over by the police last night and the officer pulled out a breathalyser and said, "Could you blow into this please sir." I pointed to my wife in the back seat and replied, "Why? She's driving."

Tried it on with a visually-impaired woman, but was still told to get

everyone myself.

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You know you've got a wanking problem when you manage to knock a couple out to '12 Years A Slave.'

"I'm sick of your insults," said my wife, "I've not always been this fat and ugly." "True, " I replied, "you just used to be ugly."

I gave my wife a pair of odour eaters and she was quite offended, "Are you saying my feet smell?"

She asked. "Not at all, "I replied, "they're for your knickers."

What's black and sounds like a digger? A coal drill.

Our love will never become cold and hollow.

Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.

My favourite part of school was getting to bang girls after their first period.

Or Lunchtime, or Hometime.

One Swallow does not a summer make.

But can be the start of a great romance.

I just saw my wife coming out of my girlfriend's house. I'll bet they're arranging a threesome for my birthday.

After going to see 12 Years A Slave at my local cinema, I now understand how it feels to be exploited and robbed of your dignity by ruthless, mercenary overseers. £4.20 for a Pepsi Max. I was walking down the street yesterday, and a black man came sprinting past carrying a 50'' TV. I was shocked and thought for a second it might be mine.... Then I realised he was at home picking cotton.

I came home from work today to see my wife stood in the garden whilst firemen put out the flames in our kitchen. I said to my wife, "Why didn't you ring me?" "What could you have done?" she asked. I replied, "Well, I could have gone to the pub and got a bite to eat there for a start."

My wife and her Weightwatchers' group went on a trip to New York at the weekend and on the Sunday morning, they all went to Tiffany's for breakfast. It was just like that famous

film. Gone in sixty seconds.

I was walking my dog through the park today when a warden came over and said, "There's a £50 fine for dogs who foul the footpath." "Well that's not going to bother him," I replied, pointing to my dog. "He hasn’t got any money."

My girlfriend caught me shooting up, "You need to be careful," she said, "that stuff kills actors and musicians." It's a good job I'm an airline pilot then.

These new anti-depressants I got from the doctor are brilliant. I felt much better as soon as I put a dozen in my wife's dinner.

Life is like a box of chocolates...

Predominantly brown but the white ones stand out.

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Most people today think it improper to discipline children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they UPVC WINDOWS DOORS have had one of 'those & CONSERVATORIES moments'. Since I'm a pilot, ALL TYPES OF BUILDING WORKS UNDERTAKEN one method that I have found very effective is for me to just CENTRO COMERCIAL LOS DOLSES, 104 URB VILLAMARTIN - 03189 ORIHUELA COSTA, take the child for a short flight ALICANTE, SPAIN. during which I say nothing and TEL: (0034) 966 764 730 - FAX: (0034) 966 764 158 give the child the opportunity Email: enquiries@candgfabrications.com to reflect on his or her behaviour. I don't know whether it's the Just watched "12 Years A Slave." Lazy steady vibration from the engines, or just bastards, should try doing 20 years at the time away from any distractions such Tesco. as TV, video games, computer, iPod, etc. I caught my wife in bed with another Either way, my kids usually calm down man and was overcome with jealousy. and stop misbehaving after our flight He was very attractive. together. I believe that eye to eye Blind people are so rude. Whenever I contact during these sessions is an speak to them you can tell they're bored important element in achieving the with the conversation. For instance, their desired results. I've included a photo eyes always start wandering. below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the I don't always go out on dates, but technique. when I do, I always advise them to Should work with grandkids too! wear granny panties, because granny panties are scientifically proven to keep their ankles 100% warmer than ordinary panties..

Sadly, I couldn't afford a hit-man to

kill my wife. With a heavy heart and tear filled eyes, I used the only option I had left. I gave her my car keys.

A woman from the social services knocked on my door this morning.

"We've had a complaint," she said, "Apparently you've not been looking after your 4-year-son properly." "That's bollocks," I said, "He's absolutely fine."

"Do you mind if I come in and see him?" she asked. "Be my guest," I said, "He's in the third cage on the right."

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"You'll have to do them yourself I'm running late." "I've never used one before." I replied. "How do they work?"

"You'll be fine," she insisted, "Take it out of the cupboard, switch it on and wait until it heats up." A few minutes later they were stuck and their was smoke everywhere. "You fucking idiot," she laughed, "That's the George Foreman grill."

Woman: "I'd like a triple vanilla ice cream sundae with chocolate syrup, nuts, whipped cream, topped off with a slice of cucumber." Waiter: "Did I hear you right? Did you say top it off with a slice of cucumber?" Woman: "Good heavens, you're right! Forget the cucumber... I'm on a diet."

Tampax need to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6. A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had avocados." If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going to re-read this!

Men will get it first time.

I asked my wife to iron my trousers for work this morning. She said, 12

on it, not one damn bid! I thought those things were worth thousands with a flabby bird on them?

It's a bit rich David Cameron condemning parents who smoke with their children in the car. At least those parents remembered to put their kids in the car.

I phoned 999 to report my bike being stolen in the park. They asked, "What does it look like?" I replied, "It's big, green and full of swings."

I'm not worried about getting attacked

by Muslims for my Prophet Mohammed jokes. I only tell them when I'm down the pub.

I got a phone call of a mysterious woman this morning I said, "You're one of those cold callers aren't you?"

"What makes you say that?" she asked.

I said, "Your teeth are chattering."

"Suicide sounds like a good option to be fair." It was advice like that that saw my mate lose his role as a Samaritans councillor.

I was squashed up next to a stunning Asian girl on the tube and I could feel myself getting hard. We were that tight together she couldn't help but notice it.

"Your dick has got very hard, hasn't it?"

She said to me. "Yes, I'm very sorry," I told her, "Don't be," she replied, "mine has as well."

When the ring at the Winter Olympics malfunctioned, I expect so did the ring of the man responsible.

I just listed my iPhone 5 on Ebay with a naked picture of Susan Boyle

With laser pointers you can have so much fun. Like guiding your cat into the fireplace.

I said to my wife, "What do you want for your birthday?" She said, "I don't know, a CD of love songs would be nice." "Any particular artist?" I asked.

"Well," she said, "I don't want to spoil the surprise, but I do like a particular black person who's blind." That's just great! I thought to myself. I'm going to look like a right prick standing in HMV asking if they've got anything by Harvey Price.

12 A

standing in the pissing down rain at the side of a road while I finish my ciggie?

A bloke goes for a job at a large food packing factory, the boss asks him, "have you had any experience packing vegetables before.?" The bloke replies, "yes, I used to be a variety club sunshine coach driver."

Last night some blonde invited me back to her place for coffee. "So, how is your baby doing?" I asked. "Wow!" she said in amazement, "How did you know I've got a baby?" "It was quite easy really," I replied, "You've just squirted your breast milk in my coffee."

I called my date to say I would have to A recent study suggests the hardest pull out tonight. "Why, have you made jobs in the world include Calcutta other plans?" she asked. "No, I'm on my sewer cleaning, being a prison warder, way", "I'm just not a fan of condoms." I coal mining, Alaskan crab fishing, Ice replied. road trucking, Oil drilling and by far the toughest job of all.. Trying to coach Apparently scientists are saying semen women's football. is 'good for women's health and helps fight depression' It makes sense, because A lion's in the jungle licking its arse, another lion goes up to it and asks "what it's normally the miserable ones who the fuck are you doing?" he replied "I've don't fucking swallow in the first place. just eaten a Paki and I'm trying to get the Sometimes I like to cut out the middle fucking taste out of my mouth! man and stick my wife's cooking directly into the bin.

I went for a job interview today and the lady asked me to explain one example of when I have worked as part of a team and what role I played.

So I told her about the time me and six of my mates had a gang bang with my next door neighbour. Her eyes lit up and I start next week.

Politicians are going to vote to stop people smoking in cars when there are children in them because they are worried about the effects on children's health. Have they thought about the effect on my children's health whilst 14

Despite racial stereotypes, the most productive man in my company is black.

He's got twelve kids.

My mate walked up to me in the pub last night and said, "Who's the bird sitting in the corner with duct tape across her mouth?" "That's my new girlfriend." I replied. "Really?" he said, "You've kept that one quiet."

An Arab had spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It got so bad that his camel died of thirst. He crawled through the sands, certain that he was breathing his last breath, when suddenly, he saw a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawled to the object, pulled it out of the sand, and discovered that he had a Manischewitz wine bottle. It appeared that there may be a drop or two left in the bottle, so he unscrewed the top, and out popped a genie. But this was no ordinary Genie.

This genie appeared to be a Chasidic (ultra religious) Rabbi, complete with black alpaca coat, black hat, side curls, and tzitzis. 'Vell kid,' said the genie, 'you know how it voiks. You got tree vishes.'

'I'm not going to trust you,' says the Arab. 'I'm not going to trust a Jewish genie!' 'Vott you got to lose? Looks ta me - you're a goner anyvay!' The Arab thought about this for a minute, and decided that the genie was right. 'Okay, I wish I were in a lush oasis, with plentiful food and drink.' P O O F The Arab found himself in the most beautiful oasis he had ever seen and he was surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. 'Okee-dokee kiddo, vat's your second vish?' 'My second wish is that I were rich beyond

my wildest dreams.' P O O F The Arab found himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare old coins and precious gems. 'Okay kid, you got just vone more vish.. Best you should make it a good vone!' After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says, 'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will always need and want me!' P O O F He was turned into a tampon.

THE MORAL OF THE STORY: If you're an Arab doing business with a Jewish genie, there's going to be a string attached.

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pliers to Camilla.

What do you call a truck full of lady boys with acne?

A trans zit van.

When it comes to sex I've been told it's not about size but about I saw a blind man thickness. So I've started picking up his dog's shit acting really stupid. today. I thought, "Fair My wife always walks 10 play to him," until I saw steps behind me. We’re him try to answer it. not Muslim, it's just she's My three greatest regrets too fat to keep up. in life are; Drinking too If genius really is 1% much, and not paying inspiration, and 99% attention in Maths class. perspiration, there were a lot of geniuses Prince William caused on the bus today. quite a shock when he said all ivory would be My girlfriend left me removed from the palace. because apparently I am a The staff thought he was delusional, compulsive liar. joking until he took a Although I'm fairly sure

she just couldn't handle my 12 inch penis.

Women are such tramps.

They will have sex with anyone who's dependable, in work, and good with the kids.

A thief broke into my house last night searching for money. So I woke up and searched with him.

My girlfriend might be fat, but can swallow 10 inches with no gag reflex. As long as it's pasta.

I can't believe the bad luck that I'm having lately.

I was at my Uncles funeral Yesterday and I caught the wreath.

The reaction of a man after opening a bedside table and finding a dildo is, "ooh naughty, better put that back" but when a girl discovers a latex vagina in the room all hell breaks loose. When I say latex I mean real and when I say vagina I mean the receptionist.

BREAKING NEWS: A lady from Thailand, who lives in Somerset had to be rescued today by emergency services when the flood water came up to her bollocks.

Neknominate.

Cleansing the gene pool.

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After making a salad for dinner tonight, I have come to the conclusion there is no 'straight' way to wash a cucumber using your hands.

I must admit, I've been down since my wife died. Down the pub, down the snooker hall, down the strip club...

My wife was bending over doing the washing up in the kitchen and I was watching the news of the flood damage to the roads… On reflection probably not the best time to exclaim: "Christ, look at the size of that sink hole!"

I went to identify my wife's body at the mortuary. "Are you absolutely sure it's her?" asked the policeman. "Yes," I said.

"She's cold and she isn't talking to me, what more do you want?"

I Love that warm cosy feeling when you put clothes on straight out of the tumble dryer.. This woman in the laundrette is giving me some strange looks though..

Perhaps it’s her dress..

Just attempted to walk to the shops in these strong winds. Bad move!! If anybody sees my red woolly hat, my black umbrella or my blonde 2-year-old daughter then please let me know.

I walked in last night and my

wife said, "Where have you been? "I said, "Playing poker at Dave's." She said, "Ok, what have you lost this time?" I said, "I won actually." "Oh," she replied. "I bet his wife wasn't too happy." "She was furious," I replied.

"But she shagged me anyway."

I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.

Winds of 108mph, structural damage, flying debris, massive depression, icy blasts, communication difficulties, untold misery and suffering…

Yes, I forgot our anniversary again.

The Guardian: "Further storms to batter the UK" The Sun : "Worst storms to hit the UK since 1700" Daily Star: "Help We Are Drowning" Daily Mail: "Duchess Kate sparkles in blue gown".

17

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An elderly man joins a very exclusive Florida nudist camp. On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?' The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?' She says, 'You must be new here.

Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.' Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts..... Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him, 'Did you call for me?' says the hairy man.

'No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer. 'You must be new,' says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him. The newcomer staggers back to the camp office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says. The man yells, 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the â‚Ź500 membership fee.' 'But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities.' The man replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 35 times a day!!'

I've just arrived at the camouflage club and can see we have a big turnout.

Which is really disappointing.

'Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'

I'm on my third marriage now, but I guess I've always been a slow learner.

19

With their constant use of mobile phones, the Japanese absorb the highest levels of radiation to their bodies in the world. Not a lot has changed since 1945 then, has it?

It's weird how sweet corn maintains its original shape after you poo. But tastes totally different afterwards.

I picked my young daughter up from school in the car today and when we got home my wife said to her, "So have you learned anything new today?" Our daughter replied, "Yes, I've learned that slow drivers are wankers and fast ones are twats."

LAST WISH. Edinburgh man Willie McTavish is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. Present is the nurse, his wife, his daughter and his two sons. Willie raises his head from his pillow and slowly speaks..."Bernie" he says, "I want you to take the Braid Hills houses." "Sybil, take the flats over in Morningside and Bruntsfield." "Tam, I want you to take the offices in Charlotte Square." "Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings in the New Town." The nurse is just blown away by all this and as Willie quietly slips away, she says, "Mrs. McTavish, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property". Sarah replies, "Property...

The silly old bastard has a paper round!"

A policeman knocked on my door last night He said, Good evening Sir, can you tell me where you were between 7 and 10? Apparently Junior School wasn't the answer he was looking for.

Oh my God! What happened to you?" the doctor asked my wife, when I dropped her off at the hospital.

"Nothing," she said. "I start work here today."

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were really cold. So they lit a fire in it to keep warm. The craft sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

Saturday 15th March Entertainment With: Johnny Dillon Saturday 29th March Entertainment With: Mr Bojangles Saturday 12th April Entertainment With: Cliff Richard/Buddy Holly Tribute by Danny Rae

20

The radiation leak at Sellafield solves an age old problem for neighbouring Wales.

Finding sheep in the dark.

Let’s all take a minute and realise the lack of creativity in the name "fire place".

I went to see 12 Years A Slave last night. Someone had said it was the sort of movie you needed tissues for. What a load of bollocks! OK, so I got a semi on at the naked female slave whipping scene, but nothing to actually knock one out to...

What gives me most hope about the families from Pakistan coming to settle here is the way the children look up to their fathers and want to follow in their footsteps. Hopefully they'll get a family and then emigrate somewhere.

My wife said I wouldn't be able to cope if she left me and to prove it she moved out for a week. She called after three days to see how I was getting on.

"I'm fine thanks", I said smugly "it's easy, I just bought a weeks worth of Pot Noodles so I won't go hungry."

"I hope you burn your mouth on the boiling fucking water!" She screamed. Boiling water?

What's the difference between a Chickpea and a Lentil? I wouldn't pay ÂŁ200 to have a lentil on my face.

I just used a Ouija board and asked if there was anyone there. The glass started moving by it's self and spelt NO. So I put it away.

There's a new craze going round among teenagers in which they down a pint while doing something really stupid. It's called Friday night.

My grandma was talking to her 75 year old neighbour, "I'm going to that new movie 'Moby Dick', do you want to come?" "Oh No, no," says her neighbour, "I don't like those sex films." "It's a film about whales silly" says grandma.

To which her friend replies.....

"I can't fucking stand the Welsh either!!!

21

ASSIST BALL CAPTAIN CHEERING CLEATS CLUB COACH COIN TOSS CORNER KICK DEFENSE FANS FIELD FIFA

FORMATION FORWARD FOUL GAME GOALIE GOALS GRASS HALVES HAT TRICK HEADING JERSEY JUGGLING KICK-OFF

MATCH OFFENSE OFFSIDE PENALTY KICK POSITION PRACTICE RED CARD REFEREE SCORE SHIN GUARD SHOOT-OUT SHORTS SHOT

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Find and circle all of the words that are hidden in the grid. The remaining 27 letters spell a secret message. Work it out, then text the Editor on: 664 10 60 10 with the answer and your contact details. The first correct answer will win a set of jester key rings. Good Luck.

22

The floods have brought untold misery to me. It looks like the mother-in-law's going to be staying with us for months.

irreplaceable artworks and our priceless family heirlooms have all been moved upstairs". Wiped the smile off the smug bastard's face when There has been a report of a glimpse I told him his house had just caught fire. of sun shine in southern England.

Thousands of people in Pakistan have I expect there will be a hose pipe ban donated money to a fund to help the next week.... victims of the floods in Somerset and I was flashed by a speed camera going Devon, the grand total now stands at through Staines today. No idea why, I 13 rupees. was only doing 30 knots.

The Somerset floods are getting worse You have to feel sorry for victims of the by the week. Today, a rescue boat was floods: surrounded by human suffering, held hostage by Somali pirates. wading through raw sewage and watching Imagine how smug all those bastards your neighbours being made homeless are who won speedboats on Bullseye on a daily basis. It must be like living in during the 80's.

Liverpool.

As my wife has always wanted to ride in Living on a floodplain and wondering gondola, I've decided to treat her for her why you've been flooded is like living on birthday next week. Provided Somerset a volcano and thinking "What's that red stays flooded. stuff?!?!"

Why feel sorry for all the rich people The aftermath of this flood would be down south. They now all have indoor devastating. More pretentious global swimming pools. warming shit in the news.

Give an African a fish and he'll eat for I don't see why all the British farmers are complaining about having their farms a day. Give a Home Counties man a fish, and he'll whinge for a month. flooded. Why don't they just grow rice I'm expecting serious flooding where I instead?

What's the difference between a flood live. My wife's run out of incontinence and a Paki neighbour? Nothing, they both pants.

Well, what a waste of effort that was, devalue your house by about 37 grand. saving all those badgers. The fuckers I've been fishing for nearly six hours have all drowned now! now and I've caught fuck all. Time to As I see the heartache and desperation shut my bedroom window and call it of those affected by the floods I find a day I think. myself thinking, god, I really wish I sold "We're not really concerned at all", canoes. said a resident evacuated from the floods. "Our thousands of pounds Looks like Vanish isn't the only thing worth of antique furniture, our that gets rid of Staines.

23

Poems For Our More Discerning Readers.

The perfect man is gentle Never cruel or mean He has a such a lovely smile And keeps his face so clean.

The perfect man likes children And will raise them by your side He will be a good father As well as a good husband to his bride.

The perfect man loves cooking Cleaning and vacuuming too He'll do anything in his power To convey his feelings of love to you.

The perfect man is sweet Writing poetry from your name He's a best friend to your mother And kisses away your pain.

He's never made you cry Or hurt you in any way Oh, fuck this stupid poem The perfect man is gay.

Penises are super things; You ladies should be jealous.

Ever since the early days, When it was small and hairless; I've looked upon that bit of flesh, As something very precious.

It starts to grow dramatically, When you are about thirteen.

Your testicles on either side; Your willy in between.

And when erect it's quite a sight; A purple love machine.

Writing a poem in seventeen syllables is very diffi There was a young harlot from Kew, who filled her vagina with glue, she said with a grin, “If they pay to get in, they’ll pay to get out of it, too.”

Men’s faults are many, Women have only two: Everything they say And everything they do.

There once was a Girl from Madras, Who had a magnificent ass, Not pretty and pink, as you would probably Sometimes, yes, it think, it was grey, had misbehaves; erecting when it shouldn't. long ears and ate grass.

A bumpy train ride sets it Rock beats scissors. off; Scissors beats paper.

Just when you wish it Paper beats rock. wouldn't.

Nothing beats a And always it remains with blowjob. you; I've been watching Until you're old and frail. you for ages, Don't take it out in public when on the bus or though, walking.

Or you'll be thrown in jail.

But I know you've Just look at it and feel I'll tell you a short poem; never noticed. proud; I'll try to make it quick.

Coz I've been arrested And thank the lord that You might think it quite twice for stalking. you a male. harmless; I dig, you dig, we dig, he Roses are red, You might well find it sick. digs, she digs, they dig.

Violets are red, The subject is quite It's not a beautiful poem, No wait… THE simple: but it's very deep.

GARDEN'S ON FIRE! The joy of having a dick.

24

A is for apple, and B is for boat, That used to be right, but now it won't float!

Age before beauty is what we once said, But let's be a bit more realistic instead. . .

Q is for queasy, is it fatal has nice round perky or flu? breasts R is for reflux, one meal They just gave in to turns to two. gravity, But I know ya did ya best S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears, I'm tellin ya the truth now, T is for Tinnitus; there's I never tell ya lies bells in my ears!

I think its very sexy, That you've got dimples on ya Now, A's for arthritis; U is for urinary; big thighs B's the bad back, troubles with flow; C's the chest pains, V is for vertigo, that's I swear on me nanna's perhaps cardiac? "dizzy," you know. grave now, The moment D is for dental decay and W is for worry, NOW that we met decline, what's going 'round?

I thought u was as good as, E is for eyesight, can't read X is for X-ray, and what I Was ever gonna get that top line! might be found.

No matter wot u look F is for fissures and fluid Y is another year I'm left like, I'll always love ya dear retention, here behind, Now shut up while the G is for gas which I'd Z is for the zest that I still footy's on, And fetch rather not mention. have in my mind. another beer.

H is high blood (And Who said Australians An Australian Love pressure - I'd rather it weren't romantic?)

Poem low; Mirror, mirror on the I is for incisions with scars Of course I love ya darling, wall, You're a bloody top notch you can show.

Should I really shave my bird J is for joints, out of balls?

And when I say you're socket, won't mend, If I don't, she'll surely gorgeous, I mean every K is for knees that crack bitch, single word when they bend.

She doesn’t care how So ya bum is on the big L is for libido, what much they’ll itch? side, I don't mind a bit of happened to sex? flab And when they were up, M is for memory, I forget It means that when I'm they were up, what comes next. ready, There's something And when they were N is neuralgia, in nerves there to grab down, they were down. way down low; O is for osteo, the bones So your belly isn't flat no I'm no doctor but sounds more, I tell ya, I don't care like the Grand Old Duke that don't grow!

So long as when I cuddle of York's men were P is for prescriptions, ya, I can get my arms bi-polar.

I have quite a few, round there just give me a pill and I'll A winter's poem be good as new!

No Sheila who is your age, Fuck me It's cold 2.

25

26

A bloke goes for a job in the Quality Assurance department at Durex. The foreman takes him 'round the plant and shows him all the machinery and offers him the job. "What will the role entail exactly?" asks the interviewee. "Well", says the foreman, "you have to check 1 in a hundred", and proceeds to remove one of the rubbers from the production line, stretches it, holds it up to the lights, then places it over his penis and calls the secretary over. She proceeds to hitch her skirt up, pull her knickers down and bends over. The foreman gives her a good rogering, after he's finished he removes the prophylactic, stretches it, holds it up to the light again to confirm no holes. "Easy as that", he says. "When do I start?" Asks the fella, unable to believe his luck. "Monday, 8:00 sharp!"

Naturally, our hero hardly sleeps a wink all Sunday night, and is outside the Durex factory waiting to get in at 6:30. Anyway, the production line starts up and the fella faithfully counts as 100 ribbed black mambo's, (lubricated with sensodol for extra comfort). He picks up the 101st, stretches it, holds it up to the light to check for holes then pulls it over his old man and calls the secretary over. Over she comes, grabs hold of his manhood, and proceeds to rigorously masturbate him. Rather startled and confused, the fella just looks at the secretary who says‌ "Sorry, company policy. You've got to work a week in hand".

I'll never forget my first love. She took me outside and showed me her garden.

She then showed me the hole at the bottom of her garden. Full of water.

"Throw in a coin and make a wish."

She said. So I did. I remember her well.

My ginger son came home from school yesterday, crying because he has no friends. I said "haven't you got an imaginary friend?" "I've got two." He wailed, "But even they play together and don't let me join in."

If the answer is "blue whales" then what was the question? "What did Camilla do the first time she met Prince Charles?"

I can't believe my son failed his driving test. I mean, I was telling him what to do on the phone.

27

name of that chip Shop?"

THE HORTH WHITHPERER! A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse. His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?'

'That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment.' So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

'A female horth.' So he shows him a prized filly. 'Nith looking horth. Can I thee her eyeth'? So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over. 'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth'? So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

'Nith earzth, can I see her mouf'? The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

They say it's bad luck for the groom 'Nice mouf, can I see her twot'? Totally to see the bride in her wedding dress mad as fire at this point, the rancher before the big day. I found it's even grabs him under his arms and rams the worse luck for the bride to see the midget's head as far as he can up the groom in her bridesmaids knickers horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams on the big day. him on the ground. The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. 'Perhapth I As me and the wife laid there together. should rephrase that. Can I thee her I said "Remember our first date, we went wun awound a widdlebit'? to the fair, brought some fish and chips, went on the roller coaster, we screamed, Winds of 108mph, structural damage, went in the love tunnel and we kissed, flying debris, massive depression, icy then we walked for miles over a field, blasts, communication difficulties, untold laid down in the grass, made love, then misery and suffering‌ Yes, I forgot our a month later you found out you were anniversary again. pregnant, your dad told me that I had to do the right thing, my parents also told Denmark has banned Halal and Kosher me the same. So we got married and we methods of animal slaughter. I hope this doesn't put the price of bacon up. have raised little Jimmy so well too".

Wife at this point welling up and nearly Tonight I am cooking chicken Kiev with bursting into tears, said "Yes". I looked my friends. Its just like ordinary chicken back and said to her "What was the but afterwards we get shot by the police.

28

Thoughts on Marriage by some celebs.

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."

Rudy Giuliani ..

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking.

It's called divorce."

Michael Jordan.

FORMENTERA - Tel: 966 845 555 Kevin: 634 323 462 Ricky: 634 340 708

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when she's wrong.

Barack Obama.

"I've had bad luck with all Marriage is the only war my wives. The first one where one sleeps with left me and the second the enemy. one didn’t.” The third Tommy Lee. gave me more children!

“First there’s the promise Donald Trump. ring, then the engagement Two secrets to keep your ring, then the wedding marriage brimming ring...soon after....comes 1. Whenever you're Suffer...ing! wrong, admit it.

Jay Leno.

2. Whenever you're I gave my wife her first right, shut up. driving lesson today. I Shaquille O’Neal. said to her, "Go straight The most effective way to ahead, mount the kerb, remember your wife's try to miss the lamp birthday is to forget it post, shudder to a halt once... at the junction, and then Kobe Bryant. bunny hop 100 yards down the road until You know what I did the clutch burns out." before I married?

Anything I wanted to.

I caught my wife David Hasselhoff. masturbating with her My wife and I were happy Sainsbury's loyalty card. for twenty years. Then we She's a nectarphiliac. met.

"How many fingers?"

Alec Baldwin.

Asked the paramedic as he leant over my wife.

A good wife always Dirty bastard; she'd forgives her husband 29

only just regained consciousness.

My friend composes ditties about sewing machines. She's a Singer songwriter.

It's been found that anti-mosquito sprays causes hallucinations.

I didn't believe it at first until my mosquito mate told me about it.

Fellow Nosey Fucks. I am not one to be on the paranoid side (except the time dear Reenie scored some Magic Mushrooms from a man who claimed he could give her special powers at her local boozer…half of one of those buggers chopped up in my omelette and I seriously thought my neighbour was a walking Gherkin!)

I must comment on my strange happenings over the past week or so, as I am beginning to feel perhaps I have upset a few people with my work! It all started when I arrived home one afternoon to find my dog ‘Guinness,’ foaming at the mouth with a funnel stuck up her backside.

The following day as I pulled away in my car after leaving ‘Dial-a-Pricks,’ I peered into my rear view mirror only to find 3 dead Goats, still smiling, with lit Cigarettes in their mouths all securely fastened in with seatbelts.

Then the next morning I woke up blurry eyed after a heavy night on the Vodka, glanced up at the mirror in my bathroom to find the words ‘WE’RE COMING FOR YOU FAT LADY’ smeared across the glass in Faeces.

Could this be a sign? Well whatever the case, you wont break me, it’s is my duty to keep my fellow busy body buddies in the know! Like with ‘ Pig-Sty-Jen’ (I hear her house is a right shit-hole) Can you believe she was caught on CCTV in the

‘Shishandonna’ Supermarket last Thursday with 18 packs of Doughnuts stuffed down her trousers! Now we all know why she walks around in those Clown Pants, and there’s my informer thinking it was to hide her personal rolls! Talk about tea-leaf!

Now, I have had a few of you questioning who exactly was that Ginger one that got a Festive Fuck he shouldn’t have back in December and finally the cat is out of the bag. Turns out ‘Fiddling’ Fritz’ of Playa Flamenca was caught red handed by his own wife on all fours with another man!

What is going on Ladies, why are all the men round here turning to the Bratwurst for a fix? That’s the 8th one I have heard about in the past 5 days! I blame that butch one that wore the Tracksuits from The Spice Girls myself, gave women the perfect excuse to walk around looking like sacks of shit! My advice to all females out there, if you want your man to continue drinking from the Furry cup and not sucking on Python of love then for Christ sake make an effort! A bit of Lipstick and a pair of heeled shoes just may save him! Keep ’em peeled Busy bodies! x 30

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about her past violent relationships.

"That's terrible," I said, holding her hand.

"How bad were the beatings?" "Well I remember one real nasty one where I broke three of his ribs and punctured a lung," she replied.

YOU HAVE TO LOVE A GOOD NURSE A policeman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.

The doctors operated and advised him that all was well; however, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.

Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private When my parents found out I was parts were three wide strips of adhesive addicted to crack, they said, it's not tape, the kind that doesn't come off our fault we raised you well. I said easily --- if at all. Written on the tape “what about all the fucking dens you in large black letters was the sentence, encouraged me to build as a kid then�?

"Get well soon from the nurse in the When our new puppy took a crap on Ford Explorer you pulled over last the kitchen floor, I quickly grabbed her week." by the scruff of the neck and rubbed her Kind of brings tears to your eyes face in it. It's the only way they learn. doesn't it?

Now my wife knows when I say, 'don't buy a puppy', I mean 'don't buy a fucking puppy'.

So ladies, you like the song 'It's raining men'. Is that because you like the idea of men going splat on the ground? Or because you like the idea of cleaning up?

I was on a date with this girl when she started telling me 32

Mary was turned away from every type of accommodation in Bethlehem and gave birth to Jesus Christ in a manger. Poor girl. Had she been a Muslim immigrant, she'd have been able to go through childbirth in any room of her free house, safe in the knowledge that her welfare benefits would just keep rolling in.

My mate and I were in the pub when he started telling me about his wife cheating on him. He sobbed, "I can't take this, I'm going to drive my car off a bridge." I said, "You don't want to do that, mate." He said, "Give me one good reason why I shouldn't." I replied, "You Visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin. I told him, if promised me a lift home." it upsets you that much, stop counting My step-daughter came home from them. school bragging about how much her "Is there any reason why I can't come concentration and attention to detail to the pub with you?" Asked my wife. had improved. 'look at this letter "No," I replied, "but your bum will dad, it says I have excelled.' 'That look big in it." says expelled, you daft cow' I replied.

I don't know why the athletes are surprised at the poor living conditions in Sochi. You ban gays from your town and interior design is going to suffer.

My wife is a keen ten pin bowler so I got her a bowling ball for her birthday.

"Oh," she said, "the holes are too big for my fingers." "I replied, "Now you know how I feel."

When I arrived at A&E with knife sticking out of my skull, they told me they had no authority and I would have to wait for the head surgeon.

I can't believe my neighbour is a tax dodger. He doesn't drink, smoke or drive a car.

A friend came over today and he was 33

As a teacher I'm really concerned about my Class. 85% of my pupals can't spell. And the other 32% are shit at maths.

Apparently the world is becoming too fucking gay for the French. Think about that.

I haven't really changed much since I was kid. The only real difference is, now my orange juice contains vodka.

"Fucking cancer," I said to the barmaid in the pub last night, "If I could switch places with my 12-year-old son right now I would."

"That's awful," she replied, "What type of cancer does he have?" "He doesn't”, I said “I do."

I’m watching the men's figure skating event and if Russia has no gays then why are they performing so well?

What's the only thing worse than catching your wife cheating on you with

your brother? Catching her cheating on you with her brother.

They say it's bad luck if a black cat crosses your path. Especially if you're cycling downhill at speed at the time.

In 1814 women had no rights. In 1914 women fought for rights. In 2014 it seems women are always fucking right.

Flappy bird isn't that supposed to mean a fat girl with wings.

When I first met my wife she was gagging for it. Now she just needs gagging.

If someone says to you, "Don't take my advice", What should you do?

34

If you ask me, anyone who boycotts the Winter Olympics is gay.

I just asked my Blonde girlfriend what ended on September 1st 1939. She said, "31st of August."

After ten years of unemployment I finally got a job as a trainee gynaecologist. My future's looking up.

Bloody typical, I was waiting for a bus in a fucking hurricane for ages, then two come along, and land on me at once.

or ambition to really make such a huge change in my life." As I tightened the noose around my neck and kicked over the chair I was standing on.

Having watched Benefits Street, it's not much different to Sesame Street‌ Both have a big bird, a bloke living out of a bin and people trying to learn the alphabet.

I knocked on my neighbour's door today and said to him, "Excuse me, do you have a minute to talk about Jesus?"

He said, "OK." I said "Go on then..."

The nightclub I go to with my mates reminds me of a hen coop. Whenever a fox turns up, we all run around like headless chickens.

I was in a relationship with this girl when she told me, "I did not want to scare you off by telling you this, but it's only right you should know. I was married and I ran away from my husband because of the constant beatings, I could never endure that again." "You have absolutely nothing to worry about with me," I replied, "I have no intention of marrying you."

Our marriage guidance counsellor told me that I need to help my wife re-build her self confidence. So I told her that some men are really attracted to fat women.

My girlfriend wanted to have a serious talk about our relationship. I didn't think I phoned my wife's mobile and she it would take long, but it lasted right up answered extremely out of breath panting "what is it?, I'm pumping iron until I broke up with her. right now". I laughed "For a second Not wanting to make a mess of my there I thought you were having sex". bed sheets, I always use a receptacle She replied "You thought right, Iron to catch my sperm. The wife hates it is the name of my personal trainer" when I call her that, though.

I've been really scared since I got sent to prison last week but today has been the scariest. I received a letter from my wife promising she'd wait for me.

I thought to myself, "Without my wife, I would have never had the courage, 35

I was watching Justin Beiber biting the fake tits on a stripper when I thought this would be a bad time to get an erection. Then the stripper got one.

Saw a job advert today: '7.5 tonne HGV driver required'. They’re going to struggle to get anybody that weight.

My Internet Explorer has finally finished installing. It seems that a young girl by the name of McCann has been abducted in Portugal.

If Scotland does gain it's independence, I'll make sure I'm standing at the border, ready to wave them good luck. I missed the Titanic setting sail, so I'm not missing this.

As I sat cleaning my rifle, my wife nagged, "I think you love that gun more than me." "Are you even listening to me?," she asked. "Yes, my deer," I replied.

"The feeling is mutual," I replied. "It is?" "Yeah, I think I'm sexy too."

I'm currently building a time machine so I can travel 50 years into the future and see if Wagon Wheels are the size of a ten pence piece.

I don't abuse alcohol.

I teach it a bloody good lesson.

My wife talks in her sleep and then doesn’t stop for the rest of the day.

Every morning when I walk into my kitchen, I always go flying across the tiled floor and end up on my arse. Now I know why they're called slippers.

My blonde wife came home after going to the Doctor's today.

She told me that the man was very nice and A girl came up to me and even gave her a free said, "I think you're sexy." prostate exam.

Islam is the religion of peace. That's why Saudi Arabia has a sword on its flag.

36

God created man in his own image. Just goes to show. God is an absolute wanker.

Scotland has made same sex marriages legal. Hardly surprising from a nation where all the men wear skirts.

My girlfriend complained that I'm insensitive to her needs in bed. I want oral, anal and a bit of bondage, but she just wants me to read to her.

What's the difference between red and green?

Fuck all, apparently, if you're a cyclist.

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

Police have reassured homeowners that their evacuated homes will be safe from black looters due to the depth of the water.

I've just released an alternative to 'I can't believe it's not butter'.

'What the fuck is it?'

Is available in all good supermarkets.

Riverside and seafront

property values have dropped dramatically in the south of England. This is owing to the fact that every fucker now has one.

A man's word is his bond. For women, it's oxytocin.

I've recently started carrying a Doner Card. It allows someone to eat my kebab in the event that I am too pissed to do so.

This week I've broken my phone, lost my wallet and badly damaged my iPod. But swimming to work was great fun.

I've just spiked my wife's drink for sex.

I've got about 6 hours to get to her sister's and back before the sleeping pills wear off.

My dad must have an arm like superman.

He tossed a Frisbee over our neighbours house 5 years ago and he still hasn't brought it back.

Ever since Live Aid in 1985, Britain has gifted millions of pounds worth of aid to Ethiopia. So a few bags of your sand 37

would be fucking nice.

It's no wonder David Cameron doesn't want Scotland to leave the United Kingdom. At this rate Scotland will be the only place above the flood line.

I tried using reverse psychology on my wife, but she still can't get the hang of backing the car into the driveway.

Luckily we've got an old World War II air raid shelter underneath our house. So I've stuck my wife and kids in it until these floods are over.

Jokes about ducks are not all they're quacked up to be.

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I bought my wife a light pink onesie.

If she's going to eat like a pig she can look like one too.

My internet was down for almost 4 minutes,. I'm OK but the 999 operator was a total bitch about it.

People say David Bowie is the most famous cross dresser of all time, but not for me. Surely it's Jesus.

Girls, if a guy says 'fuck me' when he takes you out for dinner, he's not getting horny. He's just seen prices on the menu.

My wife said she wanted an orgasm for her birthday. So I threw a packet of Duracell batteries in her card.

Alex Salmond has said that if Scotland gains independence from the rest of the UK he will hold a referendum on whether to impose tighter border controls to prevent non-English speaking immigrants entering Scotland. The choices on the ballot

paper will be: 'Aye', and: 'Gonnae no dae that'.

Some 90 year old disabled woman drove past me this morning.

Think it's time to hang up my golf clubs.

I was talking to my mate about the problem I have with my sexual organ.

I hate seeing it every time I go to church, knowing 39

it's the same one the priest used to bend me over as a kid.

I'm not racist. Some of my best friends have coloured and negroid acquaintances.

Just brought the one I love some nail polish for tonight, should look good on my right hand.

Wayne Rooney has been told he will not be allowed to leave to one of United's main rivals, which currently rules out Cardiff and Fulham.

anybody else involved?"

I said, "A young boy and a dog." He said, "You hit a young boy and a dog?" "No," I said. "They were involved in the sex act."

I text my secretary earlier, "You're Fred."

She texted back, "Sorry, this is Sarah, your secretary." I text back, "Sorry, Typo!"

She text, "It's okay, Lol." I text, "You're Fired!

My wife was flicking through the channels when she said, "Why is everything on television so biased in favour of men?" I replied, "Never mind that. How the fuck did you get your hands on the remote?"

After giving birth to my daughter, my wife said, "I hope you'll always love me, and only me." I said, "It's too late, I already do love someone and she looks just like you."

"Aww, our daughter?"

"No, your sister."

Conforming with guidelines on political correctness and so as not to offend non-nationals, children as young as seven are now being suspended for up to two weeks from school for My wife and I went to see a psychiatrist. using the term blackboard instead of "What can I do for you?" He asked. Our chalkboard. Strangely, there is no son has got an imaginary friend," said my decision pending regarding the allowable use of the term whiteboard. wife. "There is nothing wrong with a good healthy imagination to help a child Which superhero is naturally the to develop, and this is very common and enemy of Paki super villains? Bathman. nothing to worry about at all."

Said the psychiatrist. "But we Printer Cartridges, haven't got a son". I said.

Cartridge Refills & I was involved in a road Stationery Store traffic accident and had to Tel: 965 715 625 report it to the police: " forwardfirst1@gmail.com So, to summarise," said the Calle Jóse Hurtado Romero policeman, "You lost control N° 15 - 03181 - Torrevieja. of the car when your wife performed a sex act." I said, "That's right." He said, “Was 40

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I just saw an advert saying "poverty affects millions" I thought "All right, no need to boast about it."

told me a joke about a job vacancy. I didn't get it, but the Polish bloke behind me did.

Licking my girlfriend's fanny juice cured my cough and sore throat.

You can't beat a bit of cunnilinctus.

I picked dog shit up from outside the hospital today.

She hates it when I call her that.

Three circles formed a vocal group. They call themselves, 'The three, Three hundred and sixty degrees'.

How do you get rid of a fingernail infection?

Go to Saudi Arabia and steal a loaf of bread.

teacher, "what's she got?"

"P.E, Maths and English I think." I replied.

Just finished that book 1984. The world was pretty fucked up back then.

I saw my wife's double in the pub last night. So I drank it.

My blonde wife has been diagnosed with a terminal Jokes about cliques aren't illness. But she thinks she for everybody. will be ok if she stays away I was gutted the first time I rang my daughters from airports.

I heard Stephen Hawking school up this morning.

What do you call a talk. I always thought he "Sorry, Emily won't be in woman who asks to was English. today as she's not very borrow your car?

The guy at the Job Centre well." "Oh dear," said her A taxi.

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I've just seen a bloke jump in the sea to save his dog that fell in. If I were him though, I'd have taken my dark sun glasses off first.

My wife wouldn't know domestic abuse if it came along and punched her in the face.

My wife woke up this morning with a sticky eye.

I wondered where that bit landed.

What's the difference between a sheep and a dog? A sheep wears a woolly jumper, a dog just pants.

I saw a fella with a bumper sticker saying: "I am a vet, therefore I drive like an animal."

Suddenly I realised how many gynaecologists there are on the roads.

The last time I had sex, it felt like the Olympic 100m final. what? Over in 9 seconds? No,8 black men and a gun.

My wife asked, "Have you heard the phrase 'Absence makes the heart grow fonder'?" I replied, "No, but I'm up for it if you are."

nymphomaniac? She doesn't give two fucks.

Russia's security plan.

Make Olympic Village such a shit hole that terrorists will just leave it as is!

As a boy when I was feeling a little sick I'd let my mother stick a thermometer up my bum. If I was feeling really sick, I'd let her use a couple of fingers.

I attack and snuff out the lives of many people with a frozen fish in a room with many stairs As a young man going in all directions I used to think women while riding a bike and were only good for one wearing a bowler hat thing. Now that I'm older with an apple in my and wiser, I realize they're mouth. I'm a surreal killer. not even good for that.

My wife said tonight, that My mate had a job as a human cannonball.

When he got fired, he went ballistic.

Have you heard about the innumerate apathetic

42

her sole purpose in life is to make me happy. And yet here she is, still alive.

What do you get if two Muslims hop on a train? Off.

I was in my cell with my cell mate when he asked me "When are you getting out?" I said "Another half a dozen pumps should do it."

was getting ready to leave me. "I should have done your sister up the arse as well."

Miley Cyrus to perform on MTV Unplugged? If you ask me, the only time she should be My favourite exercise is a unplugged is if she cross between a lunge and was on life support. a crunch. It's called lunch. My mate complained about the porno I Why is the baby crying? lent him. He said I don't know, but it was they were both fat doing that before I and their faces were dropped it. smudged out. I didn't I woke the wife this think he'd enjoy it if he morning by shoving her knew it was his parents.

E-reader up her vagina.

I'm trying to rekindle our Every time I play snooker I get a 147. That's the bus sex life. that stops outside the club.

I told my wife that she looked nice wearing black My wife has been on her period for 3 weeks. It's nail varnish. Now she like the Tour de France thinks I slammed the of menstrual cycles. car door on her hand I left a load of wank mags on purpose. in the front room where My daughter finally got the muck off my car today.

It's just a pity it took a river to do it.

It is said that a killer always revisits the scene of the crime. I don't have much choice, I drowned my wife in the bath.

"I'll admit that I made a huge mistake today," I said to my wife as she I always put sun cream on for protection, it doesn't work that well though. I've got nine kids.

43

my wife could find them.

It worked, she went out and bought me a shed.

They say "If you asked a hundred women to sleep with you, at least one would say yes." It also gets you thrown out of speed dating.

"Stop calling me a dog!"

Barked the wife.

UN tells Vatican to remove all paedophile clergy There's more chance of Michael Barrymore being on the panel of Splash.

It's Holocaust Remembrance Day and they're forecasting showers.

After seeing Justin Bieber's arrest for speeding and driving under the influence it just confirms the fact that women are Sky News: 'Terrorists could be worse drivers than men. trying to place explosives disguised as toothpaste on Russia-bound flights'.

Doctor's waking Michael Schumacher This shouldn't be a problem. A Muslim say he is responding to simple carrying any form of toiletries should instruction's. Medical proof that be enough to arouse sufficient suspicion. my wife is fucking brain dead.

I see the Americans are warning of Doctors are bringing Michael terrorists using toothpaste bombs.

Schumacher out of his coma and say he Let me guess? Plaque-stick explosives. has started obeying simple commands.

He must be brain-damaged because he It rain for 40 days and 40 nights in never fucking did before. the bible and the floods wiped out the planet! It's now rained for 38 days I always thought stories of prison rape straight! Anyone else starting to shit were vulgar, harsh and distressing. Then, themselves? when I heard of Justin Beiber's arrest, I found myself smiling at the concept.

What's black, has bite marks on it?

Philip Seymour Hoffman's belt.

47 heart attack and stroke victims have been arrested this week for Philip Seymour Hoffman's death was giving the quenelle gesture in public. a moving story about how fame and wealth aren't a substitute for happiness. People say that Michael Schumacher's best years are behind him and that he Unlike Paul Walker's death, which was hasn't won anything for ages. That's just fast cars and explosions. hardly fair, he won Weight Watchers I actually feel sorry for Justin Bieber. slimmer of the month just last week.

No girl should have to have her picture To all you beautiful girls out there taken without her makeup on.

Happy Valentines day... To all you I'm starting to think Justin Bieber fat birds chins up, its Pancake day may actually want to go to prison. next week...

I can't think why though...

The Postman just dropped my wife's Philip Seymour Hoffman.

Valentines card through the letterbox.

Fat fucker for a junkie.

Thought she had finished with him at Bill Clinton set's his alarm for 6 am Christmas. every morning. He loves to get up Well it’s that day again, where my wife Hurley. wants to drink expensive wine, and stuff Now that's the true definition of irony. her face with chocolates. Yep, Friday!

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