Issue 49
So dear reader, can you believe it
the space. Whilst I was in the UK in
February is here already.
December, I thought I would take
I will start by laying down some
advantage of the price of Paracetamol tablets. Due to the fact I get headaches. Mostly on a Sunday (not sure why). However, they have a law, that prohibits the purchase of more than 2 boxes of
ground rules for this year. We all need to agree on our e-mail strategy for the forthcoming year. Here's the proposal: NO MORE CHAIN EMAILS! NO MORE DYING CHILD EMAILS! NO MORE FORWARDED LUCKY EMAILS! NO MORE WALKING IN
the said tablet per visit. Apparently, you can die if you take too many at one time. Anyway, on the street in the town where I was, there are five or six Superdrug, cost savers type stores. Now although I was purchasing other small items and toiletries at the shop
ANYONE'S FOOTSTEPS EMAILS! and I am sure did not look like a suicide NO MORE "SEND THIS TO10 risk, I was unable to save myself some PEOPLE IN 10 MINUTES OR time and effort by purchasing them in YOU WILL HAVE BAD LUCK any one store. I pointed out that if I ALL YEAR" EMAILS! What we need and all want is to get back to what e-mail was originally designed for.... Insulting people. OKAY? I meant to mention the following in last months issue, but didn’t have
The Jester takes no responsibility whatsoever on behalf of advertisers with regard to any claims made by, or information given in advertisements contained within this publication. Under no circumstances can any part of “The Jester” publication including text, illustrations,
2
Dear Editor, I'm usually about Live Laugh Love and Dance, but today it's more like Raise Aim Fire and Reload.. Debbie, Quesada. I know the feeling. Ed.
comfort and coolness of their bathroom floor. Mac. Playa Flamenca. Spoken like a true Scotsman.
Dear Editor, My wife said to me, "Oh dear, my sister has lost her voice and can't say a thing. How terrible, can you imagine what that must be like?" Fucking tease. Barry. Almoradi.
Ed.
Dear Editor, I can't see me giving up my bachelor's lifestyle anytime soon. Not while cream of mushroom's half price at Aldi, anyway.
I couldn’t agree more. Ed. Dear Editor, I feel sorry for people who don't drink. They'll never fully appreciate the
To advertise in, or stock The Jester please call or text: Paul on: 664 10 60 10 Please send your letters, comments, jokes, funny stories, pictures and cartoons to: 3
front of him leaving him nowhere to
go and he rammed into the side of me, his little sports car was no match
On my first day as a qualified driver
for my bigger vehicle. I jumped out, grabbed him before he could get away, arrested and cuffed him then sat on his head until back-up arrived. They bundled him into their
van and drove him away and I returned in the police force I was involved in my to my first high-speed chase. Some little sod vehicle feeling elated had nicked a sports car and went belting past me on the motorway. I immediately that it had come to a accelerated and gave chase but he seemed to be a bit quicker than me. It wasn't until he got caught up in heavy traffic that I was able to close the gap. There was no way that he intended to slow down so I tried clipping his rear wing to make him fishtail but he managed to keep control of the car. I needed to end the chase before he ended up hurting someone so I kept him boxed in to the rest of the traffic, pulled past him then steered in and flicked the steering wheel. As I pulled on the handbrake I slid sideways in 4
My wife is a lot brighter than me. Mind you, I'm not the one who is on fire. The wife caught me watching porn today. Instead of going mad she turned to me and said "why have you never thrown me about like that during sex?" I replied "because you might fucking wake up!!"
dragging. When all we really want to know is 'does she take it up the arse'.
Laugh, and the whole, non-Muslim, world laughs with you.
How come the Starship Enterprise can travel to far off distant galaxies and everyone they meet has a My wife said that she had good command of the always fantasised about English language. And I being fucked by something can't even go down to big and black. So I hit her the end of my road... over the head with the coal scuttle. I saw my daughter take
Wow, new banknotes that can survive a spin in a washing machine. That's more than my two year old niece managed. This Nigella Lawson court case is really
5
a whole cucumber up to her room. I was shocked. The fat cow is actually eating something healthy for once. I saw this very fat girl running towards me in a track suit, trainers, bottle of water, the full kit. So I tried to encourage her, "Go on love, you can do it, come on now, keep going, you can make it. Only another nine stone to go."
the Lib. Dems have begun a campaign with the slogan: "Please Vote No For FUK's sake!" They feel that the voters will be able to relate to this, particularly those in Glasgow. I bought the wife a brand spanking new vibrator for our anniversary. Shame it
My wife was holding our twin baby
has to go in such a tatty old box. boys. "Ouch!" she said. "He's pinching my chin" "Which one?" I asked. "Jack". She replied. I do find it weird that she's I went up to the checkout got names for her chins. at M&S and placed down
I just walked past my sisters room I looked through the crack of the door and to my surprise she was playing with herself saying.........I want you Rupert I want you Rupert!!! Half an hour later Rupert's arse was going up and down like a fiddlers elbow on my sister! My mum just walked into my room and caught me wanking I suppose it didn’t help me shouting........I want a bike I want a bike. If Scotland gains its independence after the forthcoming referendum, the remainder of the United Kingdom will be known as the "Former United Kingdom" (F.U.K.) In a bid to discourage Scots from voting yes in the referendum, 6
four bottles of wine and six packets of pork scratchings. The Paki at the checkout said, "I'd prefer not to put these through for you, sir." "Oh," I replied. "Is that because you won't serve me on religious grounds?" "It's
Apparently hamsters only blink one eye at a time. And there's me thinking mine fancies me.
Macklin´s Welcome Inn Via Park 3, Los Altos.
It was our fortieth wedding anniversary and my wife said with a twinkle in her eye, "Are you going to do what you did forty years ago?" 'Well', I thought to myself, 'I can get pissed, but I am not sure if that bridesmaid I shagged is still alive.'
Join us, relax , have a drink in our family friendly lounge bar or you can play darts, pool, snooker, rings or have a gamble on our
I was drinking at a bar the other night when a fat girl came over and started to newly installed machines flirt with me. After a while she leaned in and whispered to me "Want to know Asda has made all of its Muslim what I've been missing?" Apparently "Exercise" was not what she was going employees redundant as their religion prevents them from selling alcohol to say. I hate it when you're sitting on the
or pork products. "We would have loved to have transferred them to
bus and the local weirdo gets on and
roles that would be acceptable to
sits next to you. You know the type. The ones that watch you masturbate.
their religious beliefs" said a spokesman, "but unfortunately we don't have a guns and explosives section."
I've bought my wife a 12 inch rubber Dildo for her birthday. I just hope it's her colour.
Swimming Pool Specialists All Areas Covered
Call Dave on 667 273 831 7
Marks and Spencer's have announced that Muslim employees will be excused
shoes, I'm probably not going to be able to catch her.
I went to visit my sister this afternoon and she told me she finally crawled into bed at 4am this morning. "Wow," I said. "New Years Eve party?" "No," she said. "I fell out of my wheelchair and my carers didn't turn up." I was in the doctors this Morning and said "Doc, I’ve been getting these terrible headaches recently." Hmm" He said "Have you been drinking enough?" "Yeah" I replied "I got through 2 cans in the waiting room." Finally I could hold back no more and exploded with pleasure inside her I looked to see if she was coming too. But she was still unconscious.
Having welcomed a record-breaking number of visitors last summer, London can now claim it is more popular than Paris. At one time, Paris lead tourism by ten to one over London....that is until the Third Reich left.
I can tell just by the shoes a woman wears if I'm going to have sex with her or not. If she's wearing 3" heels or higher, I'm definitely going to. If she's wearing nice comfy running 8
my breakfast this
morning. I'm black toast intolerant. My wife said I was a "Lazy Bastard". I was so angry, I made my son punch her in the face. A US Military helicopter has crashed in a field in Norfolk, destroying the tail fin, pointed nose and retractable undercarriage. Of a local farmer's wife.
I told my wife I was leaving her. "Why?" she sobbed. "I've given you my best years!" "Got it in one," I replied. My new French girlfriend hates it when I pull her hair during sex. She says
gets a diamond ring for her birthday. She can fuck I was brought up to off, her sister lets me do it believe that it's wrong for three halves of lager. to judge a person by the colour of their skin. So I I've just ordered a judge them by the flatness chicken and an egg of their nose instead.
from Amazon....... I’ll keep you posted. My new girlfriend is so tall, I go up on her. I hit my wife for burning
it makes her armpits sore for days.
My wife said I can do her up the bum if she
9
According to politicians "British laws should be made in Britain" Why, nothing else is... Well it's nearly February and I must admit I have
I went back to some birds house last night. After we'd both stripped off, she walked over to her bed and asked, "Would you prefer to have sex on top or underneath?" "Definitely on top." I replied, "There's too many shoes underneath." I don't like to label myself as unemployed'. I like to think of myself as a highly trained back-up in case the entire Royal Family dies.
1,500 Birmingham Paki's have had to be evacuated from their homes due
So Angela Merkel has injured her pelvis while ski-ing? To be fair, it was never going to happen from anyone shagging her...
to flooding. Local resident Abdul Fazal has kindly offered them all temporary shelter. But he has stressed that he needs his Toyota Corolla back for 10pm. Scientists have stumbled upon a planet considered Earth's twin, in another solar system 200 light years away. Known as KOI-314c, the planet is the same weight but 60% larger. The planet is also much hotter than Earth, with scientists estimating its surface temperatures to be around 104 deg C. Twin - in much the same way as Mike Tyson and Harvey Price are.
I've just paid for my wife and her mother to go to Paris for two weeks. That's how much I hate the fucking French. I'm no expert about the upcoming Winter Olympics, but I wouldn't be backing any German skiers. Hi Rosdeep, sorry the first line of that curry recipe was. Cut up one
10
I've been 90% vegetarian my whole life. If you count the hours in between meals and when I'm sleeping. There is a nudist convention on in town next week. I might go if I have nothing on.
CENTRO COMERCIAL LOS DOLSES, 104 URB VILLAMARTIN - 03189 ORIHUELA COSTA,
David Cameron has said the UK's mission in Afghanistan is 'accomplished'. We're leaving that country in a state of poverty and despair, where half the population can't read and daily life is blighted by the ever-present threat of needless violence. Yes, we've brought the British way of life to them all right. Judas looked at the piece of stale bread that was offered with dismay. Then the foul smell of the bitter wine. "Is there anything wrong Judas?" Asked Jesus, "Well Jesus," Replied Judas, " I don't know what the rest of the lads think, but whoever organized this piss up wants fucking crucifying."
ALICANTE, SPAIN.
Those perverts at the BBC just can't help themselves can they? My daughter logged onto the BBC news website and the first thing that came up on screen was "Do you accept cookies?"
I was walking down the street when I walked past this really sexy woman "mmm fit" I said loudly. But no one stopped to help her while she had her seizure. "Any chance of going back to yours for a shag?" I asked this bird in the pub. "Not unless you put something on the end of it." She replied. "Ok then. Any chance of going back to yours for a shag....please?" 11
12
Daily Mail online: "The shorter the distance to work, the more risks drivers are willing to take." Nonsense. I never take risks on my way to work. I even get there before my windscreen's defrosted. And so, the beautiful woman kissed the frog, which sent the frog's wife to hospital with mental health issues. I remember when we were kids, me and about ten friends went camping in a small tent. We felt like a bunch of Romanians. Why do they name hurricanes after
women? Because a man wouldn't cause that amount of destruction without taking a picture. I hate it when my Scouse girlfriend gets changed into her pyjamas. I don't know if she's going to bed or going shopping. I went to my first confession at the age of thirteen and I couldn't think 12 A
around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover
security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got
DOG FOR SALE : A guy is driving around the back streets of Melbourne and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale . 'He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. 'You talk?' he asks. 'Yep,' the Lab replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?' The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so... I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running... But the jetting
married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired, in Australia '. The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. 'Ten dollars,' the guy says. 'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?' 'Because he's a fucking liar. He's never been out of the yard, the lying little shit'. Helicopter crashes in Norfolk: amazing to think that a multimillion dollar US military helicopter can be brought down with something as simple as a spear.
14
BRITISH AL Q'AEDA
TO GO ON STRIKE Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike next Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement. The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut from 72 to only 45. The
in the West Midlands town of Tipton , where he currently resides, an Al Qaeda chief executive explained,
rationale for the cut was the increase
"We sympathize with our workers'
in recent years of the number of suicide bombings, and a subsequent shortage
concerns, but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the
of virgins in the afterlife. The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization realities of modern-day Jihad in a of Occupational Martyrs (B.O.O.M.)
responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members, and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return, but to be treated like this is very unfair." Speaking from his lean-to
15
it's a great way to kill time when you don't have a job. I'm starting to have
First drink!!
I took my son out for his first pint. Got him a Fosters. He didn't like it. So I had it. Then I got him Carlsberg,
my suspicions about a group of young Muslim men who have been coming into the garden centre where I work and buying up all the fertiliser. I'm not going to report them to the authorities. After all, what harm can they do by growing a bit of weed? If you're flying on an
he didn't like it, I had it. It was the same aircraft and your hear the infamous announcement "Does anyone know how with Guinness and Cider. By the time we got down to the whisky I could hardly push the fucking pram.
to fly a plane?", your answer should always be "Yes". Well, if you're going to die, you may as
Statistically, women think men are shallow because they constantly need their egos stroked. Why would I want my ego stroked when I've got a dick.
well die having fun. I'm so glad Cristiano Ronaldo has won the Ballon d'Or. Maybe now he will have the confidence he so desperately lacks.
Africans complain when they have to walk up to 20 miles a day for water. Personally I think
"Man shot dead for texting in movie thea16
T: 966 263 790 M: 650 587 510 Urb El Raso
I approached this woman with huge tits at the club last night. "If you go home with me, those breasts will get sucked on all night!" I said, winking. "Kinky, are we?" she smiled. "No, I'm a single dad, and my 6 month-old hasn't eaten all day."
I didn't have much faith in my new
punters. "There's your fucking tea, you might as well have it in here." She yelled. "Did you see that, that was disgusting, " said my mate. "Sure was I replied," that
meat looked undercooked to me, and she didn't get him a drink." My wife said that she's gone off sex and doesn't mind if I get it somewhere else. Or, as she put it, "I've got a headache." How do you know if a panda has raided your fridge? You sit down to have a bit of a think about who's been in your fridge, when you notice your bamboo chair's gone.
therapist, especially when she kicked off by asking if I suffer from any reoccurring dreams. "Actually I do", I replied. "Every I've just seen the worst night I dream the same thing....the wife is magician in North Korea. packing her bags, sobbing uncontrollably He tried to catch five bullets in his as she explains that she is taking the kids and leaving me to move abroad with the annoying prick next door." "That sounds like a nightmare", she said.
See what I mean, She’s fucking clueless.
I was in a pub when a woman stormed in and slammed a meal in front of one of the 17
What you get from Framon Motor Bigastro. At Framon motor Bigastro, we do not do 4 for the price of 3 type offers, but we do give special discounts on individual customers work. With Special offers on tyres, brake pads and accessories. All with our Framon motor guarantee. At Framon Motor Bigastro, we do body and paint work, mechanical diagnostics and repairs on all makes and models. Established for over 30 years, we work with all the insurance companies and have a
Some of the cars in stock at FRAMON MOTOR Bigastro.
FIAT PUNTO
2011 - 31,650kms 1.25D
€ 7,900
CITROEN C3
2010 - 39,747kms 1.4
€ 7,800
SEAT IBIZA
2011 - 40,442kms 1.2
€ 7,800
FIAT PANDA
2011 - 39,813kms 1.25
€ 6,200
free of charge courtesy car for your use whilst we professionally attend to
Bigastro
A 72 year old man who loved to fish, was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.' He looked around and couldn't see anyone. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, 'Pick me up.' He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog. The man said, 'Are you talking to me?' The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up, then kiss me; and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous, because I will be your bride!' The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully and placed it in
With age comes wisdom.
Police are hunting for a child that has disappeared from his bedroom overnight at a house in Scotland. Have the McCanns moved back up there then?
his shirt pocket. The frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said, "Kiss me, and I will be your beautiful bride."' He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and aid, 'Nah. At my age, I'd rather have a talking frog..' 19
pupils, "Can I put my knickers back on now?" An absolute scandal unfolded on the Jeremy Kyle show. One of the guests was slim, attractive and articulate.
Having not had sex for over three years, I decided to visit a prostitute. "How much to let me cum in your mouth?" I asked, nervously. "That depends." She replied. "How much My wife sent me out to get some milk last night and I came back four hours later. "Where the fuck have you been?" she screamed. "The shop was out of milk," I replied, "So I went to borrow some from the landlord in the local pub." "Well, where is it then?" she
have you got?" "About a litre and a half, probably." I replied. I've just had my girlfriend's name tattooed in beautiful Chinese writing on my arm. My wife will never know
asked. I said, "He didn't have any either." Got in from the pub last night to find the wife had gone to bed and a note reading 'Dinner in the dog', which really annoyed me. I had to get up early this morning to take the poor bugger to the vet.
I was teaching my science class about the female anatomy: "This is the vagina. This is the clitoris, and this is the anus. Any questions?" "Yes," said one of the 20
January 3rd.
Just as we think the Celebrity Death Did you know it's Michael Schumacher's List is all but over for 2013, Michael birthday today?....Nope neither does he! Schumacher puts in a tremendous final qualifying lap to take pole position. First Schumacher, now Merkel. The Germans haven't been this unlucky with snow since Stalingrad.
What I find most surprising about
Doctors have stated that Michael
Michael Schumacher's skiing accident is that he did not take his son out with him. Why stop a habit of a lifetime?
Schumacher will definitely race again. Although it is likely to be against
Many European countries are
Stephen Hawking.
particularly associated with a certain
It turns out that Michael Schumacher was on holiday with Lewis Hamilton, who was first at the scene following his accident, and probably saved his life by applying first aid. A hospital spokesman said "Michael and his family are eternally grateful, but he'd like his watch back."
vegetable. For instance, Ireland and the potato, France and the onion and Germany and Michael Schumacher. Prognosis unclear for Schumacher. You think they would start him on small easier to understand words.
Schumacher's Mother has said had the Today the F1 governing body accident happened to 'some average Joe' announced a parody race in which the press wouldn't even care.... Shame it never happened to Ralph then. drivers will be dressed as 'one of
your 5-a-day' in order to promote healthy living. It has been rumoured and I'm due to have dinner with Michael that Michael Schumacher will appear Schumacher next week. Though I'll be as a cabbage. fucked if I'm using the same straw. I'm so excited. I won a competition
21
ALPHA BRAVO CHARLIE DELTA ECHO FOXTROT GOLF
HOTEL INDIA JULIET KILO LIMA MIKE
PAPA QUEBEC ROMEO SIERRA TANGO UNIFORM VICTOR
OSCAR
Find and circle the Phonetic Alphabet words that are hidden in the grid. The remaining letters spell an additional word from the Phonetic Alphabet. Work it
22
I saw a flyer for the Scottish Independence campaign that said, 'Ever wonder where Scotland's wealth goes?'
Printer Cartridges,
Erm, is it into the till at
Tel: 965 715 625
Cartridge Refills &
forwardfirst1@gmail.com
The Tartan Arms? I wish my wife was a fucking helicopter. They seem to go down regularly these days. You are eight times more likely to be killed by the police rather than a terrorist. Eighteen if you're black.
a messy one." I thought. And then it came in. The stench was unbearable. I nearly vomited. "Fucking hell," I said to my colleague, "How long has he been dead?" "Well, Mr Ahmed was
only killed 10 minutes ago." According to Coco Chanel, you should only spray perfume where you'd like to My wife stormed out of the house and be kissed. Silly bitch. It burns like fuck. shouted at me, "You'll never find another one like me." "Yes I will," I replied, Well now, got my white stick, dark "there are plenty more whales in the sea." glasses and Labrador. Or my 'Grope kit' as I prefer to call it.
I went for a job at the Royal Mail sort-
It was my first day working in the morgue and I was dreading seeing my first dead body. "Please don't be
23
24
2 TOUGH QUESTIONS. Question 1: If you knew a woman who was pregnant, Who had 8 kids already, Three who were deaf, Two who were blind, One mentally retarded, And she had syphilis, Would you
your choice? Decide first ... No peeking, and then scroll down for the response. Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt. Candidate B is Winston Churchill. Candidate C is Adolph Hitler. And, by the way, on your answer to the abortion question: If you said
YES, you just killed Beethoven. Pretty interesting isn't it? abortion? Read the next question before Makes a person think before looking at the response for this one. judging someone doesn’t it? Question 2: Government Theory It is time to elect a new world leader, The tribal wisdom of the Dakota and only your vote counts.. Here are Indians, passed on from generation the facts about the three candidates. to generation, says that; Candidate A: “When you discover that you are Associates with crooked politicians, recommend that she undergo an
and consults with astrologists. He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day. Candidate B: He was kicked out of office twice, Sleeps until noon, used opium in
college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening. Candidate C: He is a decorated war hero, he's a
riding a dead horse, best strategy Is to dismount ". However, in government, more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:
1. Buying a stronger whip. 2. Changing riders. 3. Appointing a committee to study the horse. 4. Arranging to visit other countries to
vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an
see how other cultures ride dead
occasional beer and never committed adultery. Which of these candidates would be
horses. 5. Lowering the standards so that dead
horses can be included. 25
MT. VERNON, TEXAS, WHOREHOUSE SUES LOCAL CHURCH OVER LIGHTNING STRIKE.
Diamond D's brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business. In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the business from expanding, with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer
sessions at their church. Work
direct or indirect divine
on Diamond D's progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground! After the cat-house was burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer." But late last
actions or means." In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and voraciously denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise. The
week 'Big Jugs' Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church ... "was
ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business, either through 26
A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him. "Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked. "I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer says. "Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?" "Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologise." And the golfer walks off. "What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself. "I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.." A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him. "Twas me that made ye I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and hit the ball here, "the little guy says. "I pull out $100 bills I didn't even know just want to ask ye, how's yer golf were there!" "I did that fer ye also. And game?" "My game is fantastic!" the tell me, how's yer sex life?" The golfer golfer answers. "I'm an internationally blushes, turns his head away in famous golfer now." He adds, "By the embarrassment, and says shyly, "It's way, it's good to see you're all right." OK." "C'mon, c'mon now," urged the "Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?" "Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. "When
House for sale in Tewkesbury 4 Bed. 2 Bath. 27
will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Don't worry," Jack said.. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two
CLOSED THURSDAYS Salon:
men found their way to the barn
Colours from 25 €.
and settled in for the night. The next morning the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend… He dropped in on his friend Bob and
Perms from 25 €.
Now Offering Amazing Deals!!! Shellac 10 €. Wash , Cut and Blow-Dry 15 € Gents Cut 4 € Now Offering.
asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm
9 Months later....**
we stayed at on our ski holiday up north Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, about 9 months ago?" "Yes, I do," said Bob. "Did you..... Uh, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a happen to get up in the middle of
few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm with a very lavish home and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbours
the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?""Well, um, yes!" Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did.." "And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?" Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy.... I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?" "She just died 28
I took a busload of kids from the Brittle Bone Society to Alton Towers for the day. They had a cracking time.
FORMENTERA - Tel: 966 845 555 Kevin: 634 323 462 Ricky: 634 340 708
I can understand why the Email: graniteautos@gmail.com scumbag MP's were happy to waste taxpayers money on portraits. What I can’t I'm sick having to deal paedophile somewhere understand is why Diane with a huge pain. Still, saying to himself, "Next Abbott decided to have time, take a fucking torch". one painted of a monkey. my fault for asking her to marry me all those Before I die, I want
years ago.
to watch every single episode of 'Keeping Up Appearances'. It's on my Bouquet list. I thought I had 707 in my bank account, turns out it was "LOL" and I was holding my statement upside down.
They say that lightning doesn't strike twice. I don't know if it's due to global warming, but I've seen it four times now. My wife says she is divorcing me because
of my obsession with television dramas. But
I'm not saying my
will she really leave me..
wife's cooking is bad,
Find out next week!
but sometimes I re-offend A 3 year old Pakistani has just so I can enjoy prison gone missing from his bed food again. in Edinburgh.. There's a 29
Police searching for a missing three-year-old Pakistani boy in Edinburgh say they remain "deeply concerned". A spokesman said, "He was supposed to start work in his Dad's shop two hours ago."
Well it seems very clear to me that as we bid farewell to 2013, Year of the Shag here on the Costa Blanca, we opened the brand spankin’ new doors of 2014 - Year of the Shrink (and in some of your cases they were not the front doors either.) Yes rumour has it that the new must have for us all is a Counselor. It stunned me to hear that my good friend Penny Flaps is now overloaded with new clients, all in need of some form of therapy to help exorcise their demons. Perhaps it was all the previous year’s sexual activity? I do wonder how she will find the time to fit enough hours in with some of the crackpots around here, take the Ginger Winger for example, where the fuck does a shrink start with him? Yes I must thank Miss Anon for your rather lengthy email dishing all the dirt on the Costa Blanca’s biggest fake. I never thought he had it in him (your point exactly) full of smiles, all suited and booted, looking like the closest thing to that 50 shades man…Oh how wrong could we all be. With an addiction to everything possible, money troubles that make Mike Tyson’s debts look like a fairy tale and a Todger the size of an adult sized Guppy it’s no wonder therapy is on the cards for this walking disaster. I do hope your problems are solved soon, although I personally feel the best suggestion would be to have the waste of space dumped in the sea down at La Marina. Should you need any help with that I can always put you in touch with my most useful friend, Giuseppe. So, from one carrot top to another, may I refer to another anonymous email that simply stated the following, DEAR MIRILLE I HAVE A PIECE OF GOSSIP THAT YOU MIGHT LIKE, A CERTAIN LITTLE RED HEAD GOT A FESTIVE FUCK THAT THEY SHOULDN’T HAVE THIS CHRISTMAS PERIOD. Number one reader, this is old news now, it is essential that my work is up to date to keep all these gossip cravers happy. Number two, I need facts, places, dates, names, a description of just ‘little’ and ‘red headed’ is of no use to me. Get back on that computer and give me more…..WATCH THIS SPACE. I have however, been enlightened on the saga with Rosemary East and I can tell you that quite recently she gave her greatest performance to date,
gate-crashing a new bar on their opening night, very close to her ‘oh so precious’ Weeping Willow. After guzzling down more wine than could ever be found in Jumilla’s largest Bodega, it seems she made a complete an utter fanny of herself, F’ing and Geoffing like some Jeremy Vile guest straight out of their Wythenshawe Estate council flat. WHAT A SHOWDOWN! Then comes the Pièce de résistance… she pissed herself! (Dear informant, I know you had specifically asked me to leave that part out, but come on now, it’s way too juicy!) No wonder I couldn’t find any ‘Tena’ lady for my poor Aunt Reenie the other day, they had completely sold out in Dial-a-prick, selfish cow!
30
If you are planning a trip to the UK, Ireland or some other exotic location, there’s no more convenient way to begin or end your journey than in your own car! The only problem is safe, secure and affordable parking..... Autoairport is the best answer. We offer an airport parking service which covers both local airports.
Parking Service
Price
1 week
Meet and Collect
30 €
2 weeks
Meet and Collect
40 €
3 Weeks
Meet and Collect
45 €
4 Weeks
Meet and Collect
50 € Premier
Price
Service 52 weeks
Unlimited Usage
31
256 €
295 €
you walked through that
door with a smile on your face." "Of course you can't." I grumbled, "You weren't fucking living here." My mate Paddy just told me that he robbed a shop last night. "What did you get?" I asked. "26 pictures," he smiled, showing me. "The cheapest one is worth over ÂŁ180,000." I said, "mate, these are from an estate agents." My Muslim flatmate came into the lounge in her dressing gown. "It's two o'clock," she said blearily. "Why My step daughter returned home from aren't you in bed?" "I have insomnia," school whilst the wife was out shopping, I explained. She sat on the sofa. "Lie "how was your day"? I said. "We had down," she suggested, "and rest your Sex Ed today but it was a waste of head on my lap." I woke up at nine time, Mummy has taught me all I need to know". Sensing an opportunity I said
o'clock, and stretched in the daylight. "See?" she beamed. "I knew that would
"Do you want to show me what mummy taught you?" She replied "Can we do this later I've got a Headache". "You always come home from work in a bad mood." said the missus, "I can't remember the last time 32
I received a questionnaire about my sexual habits. What concerned me most was how they knew I wore one. I don't know if I should be proud or not. I found out I was gay when I discovered I could suck my own dick. I've done a little bit of research and found out that light is actually created by the sun. So I'm taking the rest of The Bible with a pinch of salt. Muslims generally don't take kindly to people creating images of the prophet Mohammed. But even they would think my picture of him being eaten by a Koranosaurus Rex is fucking awesome.
windows, wearing a blind fold looking for a black cat that isn't there. The only difference is, you think you have found the cat.'
I'm never going back to Pakistan, all I got was a torrent of abuse the last time
The Pope was arguing with an Atheist about the existence of God and failing to get his point across. They had been arguing for two hours and finally the
Pope in frustration sat down. 'Listen, ' Said the Pope, 'You are like a man in a dark room, with no lights and windows, wearing a blind fold looking for a black cat that isn't there. What do you say to that?'The Atheist thought for a moment. 'Yes your Holiness, you are probably right.' He said. 'But you are also like a man in a dark room, with no lights and 33
I really love R&B. Fuck
mate saying, "How are
millions around the world.
the rest of the alphabet though.
you feeling?" He replied, "Your Sister."
I kissed a girl in the club
If there's one thing that makes me throw up its a Dart board on the ceiling.
Just bloody typical, I've been waiting for public transport in Tewkesbury for over an hour, then I spent 25 minutes waving three canoes come along to an old lady today, Then at once. I realised she was cleaning her Windows. Say what you will about The Swiss must've been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife. I can't believe people used to think the Earth was flat. Morons. There's hills on it and everything.
Stephen Hawking, but he's never run away from his problems. God is full of miracles. He can crucify his son, and still be called "Loving Father," by
I texted my dyslexic 34
and she said, "Oh my god, you've been smoking. It's just like licking an ashtray." "You non-smokers have some funny fucking habits," I replied. "My dad is harder than your dad." "Yeah? Who
NEW PASSWORD REQUIRED User: My usual password is not
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, When you
working suddenly, why? Website chat assistant: Your password has expired. You must register a new one. User: Why do I need a new one as that one was working fine? Website: You must get a new one as they automatically expire every 30 days. User: Can I use the old one and just reregister it? Website: No, you must get a new one. User: I don't want a new one as that is one more thing for me to remember. Website: Sorry, you must get a new one. User: OK, roses Website: Sorry you must use more letters. User: Pretty roses. Website: You must use at least one number. User: 1 pretty rose Website: You cannot use blank spaces. When having sex with my wife I like
finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.' The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
to pretend that she is in a police station being interrogated. I start off really
35
don't!" and "It's my fucking mother's funeral, you prick". Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School. Usually she slept through the class. One day her teacher, (a Nun), called on her while she was sleeping. 'Tell me Susie,
I was reading about the government looking for people to sign up to watch child sex abuse for research purposes. If anyone reading this has signed up,
who created the universe?'
all I can say to you is. Don't judge me.
sitting behind her, took his
When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend
pencil and jabbed her in the I was looking at my wife: no teeth in, tits on her belly, hair a mess and smoking a roll up. Then she cocked her leg and let out a massive fart. "You are a mess and I'm disgusted with you," I said. "I'm still the woman you love and married," she said. Sometimes we all let ourselves
rear. 'God Almighty!' shouted Susie. The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.. A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our Lord and Saviour?' But Susie didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the bum. 'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie. And the Nun once again
go a bit." "We're on our fucking honeymoon," I replied. My wife always gets so embarrassed of me when I do the Macarena dance. She says stuff like, "Please, 36
I was in a small Islamic enclave and was unable to get hold of any pork or alcohol‌ So I left the Marks & Spencer
I walked into the car showroom and said, "I want to buy a Vauxhall." The salesman said, "A
little Corsa?" I said, checkout and went to shop at Sainsbury's instead. "Ok ya twat, I want to buy a fucking Vauxhall!" I used to work for the post office, but if people asked, I was a 'mail escort'. Same-sex weddings to begin in March. My wife is one of those people who don't know how to take a compliment. Every time I try to tell her that I think her fat wobbly arse is sexy, she starts to cry.
I wish they had announced no sex marriages as clearly and loudly. I'm not saying that my wife's fat but.. When we both went to the zoo, the seals were throwing food at her and taking photographs.
thought to myself, "Why do all the poor people keep their washing machine and fridge freezer in the front garden?" My missus says I'm like a dog. I think it's because I'm always excited to see her.
She says it's because I shit on the Carpet.
I was driving through Report: French Liverpool this morning president had affair with actress 18 years younger and I 37
38
C/Bizet Local 6, Centro Comercial, La Siesta. 03184.
39
Thinking back to a disco 20 years ago when I pinched some girls bum. I'd be in big trouble right now if I'd ever achieved anything in my life.
"Why not?" "It was buy one get one free!" I replied. It can take a matter of minutes to bleed to death. Which isn't much time to come up with a plausible excuse as to how your dog bit your dick off.
My wife told me she
is big boned. Luckily for her it doesn't show as she's even
Last year, T-Mobile's customer service
bigger fleshed.
What's the difference between prostate cancer and Katie Price? Prostate
department had the least complaints of all the major phone companies. Probably because nobody's ever got enough fucking signal to ring them.
cancer will only
If you want to get a man's attention, talk about tits. If you want to get a woman's
fuck one in five men. I was arrested yesterday for Shoplifting, The Officer said, "You are being charged with Stealing Two Bottles of Wine". I said, "You can't Charge me for Stealing Two Bottles!" Officer,
attention, talk about another woman's tits. Club 18-30. Looking at the pricks on those holidays, I think it is a great 40
41
road today. "Fucking hell," I thought, "if I was only 20 years older."
night. Unfortunately, bringing home a cheap hooker was not what
David Moyes has
Rape victims often she wanted. say the still feel dirty and I just watched a wildlife used years after programme. It the seems that small, fast event. I know how moving animals have a they feel. When I very short lifespan, and was only 14 I had large slow moving animals a wet dream about live a very long time. Katie Price. Oh joy, my fucking
promised fans of
Is the definition of
Manchester United that a onesie. A selfie taken by they will be in a major a member of the Royal European competition Family? next year...even if he has to write the song himself . My wife asked me to pick up a Bargain Bucket last My wife's asked for a Rampant Rabbit for her birthday. I couldn't get one anywhere, so I've got her a box set of Bugs Bunny cartoons instead. I saw this gorgeous old granny walking down the 42
wife's immortal! My wife is living proof that women can multitask She can actually shout and moan at the same time.
For her birthday this
year, I've decided to
My wife said she wants
a divorce because I spend stupid thing she's been asking amounts of time tryfor since we got married. ing to think of my wife jokes. I said I'm A fucking good kicking. getting bored of my wife jokes too when New Year resolutions are you're gone a lot like one night stands. Making promises you have I can start on some no intention of keeping the ex-wife stuff! next day. I don't have give my wife the one
Last night I found a drunk young girl unconscious in the street, so I put her in the recovery position. That gave me the easiest access to her arse. I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She replied, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said,
anything to do with my son as he's got what
I wanted to do my bit to reduce the huge amount the
Harvey Price has. A fucking horrible annoy- UK loses in benefit fraud. So I told the job centre ing slapper that 3 of my imaginary 15 for a mother. kids had died in a horrific car crash. It can't be much fun
"She means 6663629." I got shouted at on the phone the other day. Apparently the stroke hot line wasn't what I thought it was.
43
"Mind the gap" , "Mind the gap" announced Sam Bailey just before her husband got his first blow in 8 weeks.
If Ronnie Biggs had been robbing today, He could have stopped that train by bunging a few leaves on the track....
Tom Daley will be starring in the new My New Year's resolution is to stop drama Homoland, about a diver who smoking, and to stop wanking. I'm down spent 8 years hiding in a closet waiting to 20 a day, but I can't do anything about to be turned. the cigs. Welsh paedophile Ian Watkins sentenced to 35 years in prison. Could be worse, could've have had to spend the rest of his life in Wales.
The banks and building societies have vowed to get as many people as they can get out of the fuel poverty trap this Christmas. By repossessing their homes. Big congratulations to Sam Bailey,
Ian Watkins gets 35 years for sex
wishing her the best of luck in the
offences. On hearing the news he
jungle next year.
shouted 'Fucking assholes'. The judge replied 'No, they are too old for you in there, you’ll be sewing mailbags'.... Now Ronnie Biggs is dead he will at least have something to talk to Nelson Mandela about. Prison. I can't believe how much younger looking Phil Collins is than the other Great Train Robbers.
A group of Ian Watkins girlfriends broke down in tears when the judge announced his thirty five year prison sentence. But they were OK again when they had been fed and had their nappies changed. I didn’t know Britain had begun a new space mission. "Hello Euston, this is Apollo. The ceiling has landed." Just plucked and stuffed the Turkey. 44
AUTOAIRPORT PARKING. BIGASTRO.
GRANITE AUTOS. FORMENTERA.
BAR STUDZ. BENIMAR.
G.T AUTOS. LOS DOLSES.
BAR TROPICANA. URB, HORIZONTE.
HARRYS BAR. QUESADA.
BREAKAWAYS. PUEBLO PRINCIPE.
HOWELLS REMOVALS. FORMENTERA.
C & G FABRICATIONS. LOS DOLSES.
JAKES BARBERSHOP. QUESADA
CARLS BAR. LOS MONTESINOS.
JOE’S PUB. QUESADA.
CHRISTA POOLS. SEE ADVERT.
JOLLYS CAFÉ BAR. QUESADA.
COMPURED. LA ZENIA.
LA MARINA LAVANDERIA. LA MARINA.
CREATIVE CARPENTRY. ROCAJUNA
LA FANTASIA. QUESADA.
BAR. PUNTA PRIMA. LEMON TREE CAFE. EL LIMONAS. CROESO INN. LA FLORIDA.
KELLYS KUTZ. EL LIMONAS.
DATE UNA ALEGRIA. JACARILLA.
KENNEDY’S SUPERMARKET.
DRIVERS BAR. VILLAMARTIN.
LOS MONTESINOS.
EL ALMACEN. TORRETAS III.
MACEY’S. C.C. FLAMENCA BEACH.
ELITE PROPERTIES. PLAYA FLAMENCA.
MACKLINS WELCOME INN.
EMY CAFE BAR. REDOVAN. EXPRESS INTERNET. TORREVIEJA.
LOS ALTOS. MARTIN & THE CUTTING CREW.
FORWARD 1st. TORREVIEJA. FRAMON MOTOR. BIGASTRO.
QUESADA AND CAMPOSOL. MIRROR IMAGE UNISEX SALON..
You can now read “The Jester”. On line. Just go to our web page www.jester-mag.com to see every issue of “The Jester” and even print out the
pages you like. You can also see items that we could not put in 45
If you have a Charity and you wish to appear in “The Jester “ (F.O.C.) Please
46
47