Jester issue 63

Issue 63 April

Hi Dear reader.

Did you have a good March, with all the celebrations, that go with it.

I hope so. I did.

So here we are in April and the silly season has started again. I don’t know what it is about this time of the year, but I get more emails about “the jester” and how a person did not like this joke or that picture.

Pointing out spelling’s or typo’s.

They always seem to be from the same people as last year. I don’t know whether it is because they are bored, or they have forgotten that they bought the “the jester” magazine, whilst on holiday the last time they were in Spain. All I can do is repeat my myself.

READ THE FUCKING COVER. It warns you people.

Anyway back to my normal readers.

Did you all see the Eclipse? Wasn’t that fun? It went dark for a little while. Why is it, that the moon passing in front of the sun, sends people scurrying to find special glasses or a white board and colander. Look on you tube. You can see it happen every few minutes.

The news and media were full of it

for a few days before and on the day.

I just got on with things. I thought to myself. It will go dark again tonight., what’s the panic.

I am happy to report, that the weather in dear old blighty, is changing for the better. I see many joggers on the road in the mornings now. It has come to my attention that there are 3 types of joggers. The first is the hardened, no nonsense jogger. Wind, rain or shine. They are out there. I call these the pillocks. Then there is the second type. Only jogging when it is sunny and warm. I call these the pillocks.

Then there is the third type. The “I want to lose wait for the summer”.

I call these. Oh you get the picture.

On that note my lovelies.

Have a great April.

All the best.

Ed.

The Jester takes no responsibility whatsoever on behalf of advertisers with regard to any claims made by, or information given in advertisements contained within this publication. Under no circumstances can any part of “The Jester” publication including text, illustrations, photographs or complete advertisements, be reproduced without the express permission of “The Jester” Editor.

2

Dear Editor, This is actually a true story which makes it even better.

My mum is a supply teacher and works with kids with special needs (that's not the joke).

In class the other day the teacher announced they were going to talk about Ethics.

The first question was if anyone knew what Ethics was. One of the kids with a speech impediment replied, "Ethics is a place where the women wear short skirts and stiletto shoes."

Classic.

Sharon. Epping.

Dear Editor, They say that every group of friends has one guy who is an absolute twat. Not true, none of my friends are twats, in fact, they're all really nice, every time we go clubbing they always give me compliments about my blazer.

Darren. La Mata.

Mirror, Mirror on the wall.

Ed.

you are a man and have no right to self recognition week", "International Every setback in every Woman’s life ever is a mans fault Month" And "Fuck you for having a penis year".

Anthony. Colchester.

Who hurt you love?

Ed. Dear Editor, There are so many Romanian and African immigrants in the United Kingdom the place hardly feels like Poland any more.

Jacek Kaczmarski.

Welcome Jacek.

Ed.

Dear Editor, I had a little while to truly appreciate International Women’s Day and thought how nice it would be to celebrate International Mans Day. Sadly though it falls on: "International you are a misogynist for having an opinion day", "International

To advertise in, or stock The Jester please call or text: Paul: 664 10 60 10 or Graeme: 966 764 403 Please send your letters, comments, jokes, funny stories, pictures and cartoons to: jestereditor@hotmail.co.uk or join us on facebook.

3

Is their face falling on one side? Has their speech become slurred? Then you're probably in a pub in Glasgow.

get into those tight jeans?" There are radical muslims She said, "Two Rum and and moderate muslims: cokes usually does it."

A radical muslim wants to behead you, a moderate I put a giant load in the muslim wants a radical dishwasher last night... muslim to behead you.

I'd like to have a child one As usual she spat it out. day. Two days, tops.

I just heard a poor chap Just had a parcel from What do you call a black get asked this question by Holland, it was a rubber fanny. That's nice I man in crosshairs? Who his wife, "what did I tell cares? Just pull the trigger! you to do this morning?" thought, 'two lips from His blank expression says Amsterdam' I don't understand why it all, Poor guy is doomed. Once knew a dental most Africans complain about the availability of I met my latest girlfriend nurse who loved blow jobs and smoking weed. clean water. Why don't swinging. "Mister," she She was known as 'oral they just nip down to their said, "can you push me high Jean'. local Petrol station and higher?" drink from the water tap Israel has told Jews to A recent survey reported which can usually be found abandon Europe. Well, that three quarters of men next to the tyre pump? don't know how to turn better seventy years late on the dish washer. I find I need to move to than never I suppose. smithereens. I have heard I can't believe how cheap that licking her nipples and a light gentle fingering everyone gets blown oil has become. If it falls usually does the trick. there. much further in price the Use condoms: I was eyeing up this fat Americans may as well all because if she'd sleep bird who was clearly too be withdrawn from the with you, she'd sleep big for her clothes. I said, middle East to fight the with anyone.

"How do you manage to Russians.

4

The wife looked at my hair today and said, "Aw you're thinning". I replied, "You should try it, you fat cow."

"Is this dress blue and black or white and gold?"

"It's black." said Stevie Wonder.

What's got no teeth and smells? The gearbox in the Proud Member of the ExPat Winter Pool League. wife's car...

Anabolic steroids give and what does she go and you big muscles but shrink do? She actually turns left!

I saw an advert on TV the penis. So I've managed How am I supposed to showing what a person to reverse engineer it. prepare myself with these looks like after having a Now I have a massive 20 fucking mind games? stroke. I thought, 'Wow, inch dick but no strength that's my come face, too.

My wife and I are taking to wank off. our Muslim neighbours "You think I'm ugly, don't My wife treats me like son with us to Alton you, Dad?" "Of course god. She takes very little Towers tomorrow. He's not. Why do you ask?" notice of my existence bringing his own packed "Erm... because you just until she wants something. lunch in his back-pack. called out mum's name."

Women fucking drivers! He's not disabled so we Last night my daughter will have to pay for him.

I was behind one on my saw a purple ghost. It's probably just a methylated way home from work and But the queues seem to she indicated to turn left get a lot shorter when spirit. he's with us.

I've heard that Serena Williams is still a virgin at 33. I don't know if that's true. But one thing she'll never be with those forearms is a rape victim.

Do you think Ched Evans has sent a "Thank you" card to Adam Johnson yet?

The only reason obesity exists is because bullying has been banned.

5

In a statement, ISIS have confirmed that the three missing girls are indeed on the way to them in Syria.

However, they have laughed at the media for assuming they are travelling to become ISIS Brides. A spokesman for ISIS said, "How stupid is your western media? Firstly they are too old to be brides, Proud Member of the ExPat Winter Pool League. secondly they come from As the headmaster Mr Mohammed Bethnal Green, so they are actually addressed the assembly, he said, "I'm coming to teach weapons handling". afraid I've got a bombshell to drop, " The midwife who delivered me said You've never seen a fucking school that I was born with a silver spoon in empty as quick. my mouth. Nice woman. Fucking useless

You can tell a lot about a person by their car. For example, if it's in a ditch it belongs to a woman ...

abortionist.

As I was driving to work I saw a girl with special needs stood at the bus stop crying, so I pulled over to ask if she was OK. She said "no, it’s raining and I've missed my bus". Feeling sorry for her, I offered her a lift. While driving she asked what I did for a living, I told her that I was a radio presenter and she said she would give anything to be on the radio. So I pulled over, unzipped my trousers and pulled out my dick and said OK have a go on this. With that she grabbed it and as she pulled her mouth closer she shouted "HELLO MUM AND DAD, I'M ON THE RADIO".

The Kama Sutra has announced a new sex position called The Plumber: You stay in all day and nobody comes!

Started up a website for women drivers only. Bloody thing kept crashing.

My girlfriend says that a small penis won’t affect our relationship. Whether she's right or not, I'd prefer it if she didn't have one at all!

There is now a proven link between smoking and depression. At nearly ten quid a packet it's hardly fucking surprising, is it?

What's huge, with four-wheel drive and no child seats? Every car in the "Parent and Child" spaces at Tesco.

I went on a Hot Chocolate themed picnic once. It started with a quiche...

6

I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.

Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.

I often have sexual fantasies about a girl I met at school, even though I'm a happily married man. Am I a bad husband? Or just a bad teacher?

Lawyer: "I have some good news and some bad news." Tycoon: "What's the good news?" Lawyer: "Your wife invested 5,000 quid in two pictures I believe are worth 10 million or more."

Tycoon: "Brilliant! What's the bad news?" Lawyer: "The pictures are of you with your secretary."

A woman is walking down the street and sees a sign in the pet shop window reading, "FANNY LICKING FROG ÂŁ25" curious the woman proceeds inside and says to the shop keeper, "I'd like to see the fanny licking frog please." To which the shop keeper replies, "Bonjour!"

I taught my Dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground. We went from Barking to Tooting in about an hour.

What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish one? A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewellery.

I was on a train this morning, in the loo, when a voice called out "Can I see your ticket please?" "Not right now."

I replied, "I'm having a shit." "I don't believe you." Said the voice. "Slide it under the door." "No probs," I said.

"The yellow bits are Sweetcorn!"

When my 15 year old said that the stain on her dress was 'Johnson's Baby Lotion', I didn't think anything of it at the time, officer.

There's been outrage amongst feminist groups on hearing that in some Muslim countries women can't drive. Whilst completely overlooking the fact, that the same is also true in all Western countries.

Went to see Fifty Shades of Grey last night with my wife and she asked me if I ever wanted to put a gag in her mouth.

I said, “Yeah, every fucking day."

I held her hand, looked her in the eyes and whispered, "Before we go on, do you have any STDs?" Then for some reason she put down the menu, got up from the table and fucked off.

I shagged a young girl on a weighbridge. Now THAT'S sex abuse on an industrial scale.

I am always calling my wife "precious."

Because she's fat and black, and her parents actually named her that.

Body language tells us a lot about a person's feelings. For example, my boss hates surprise headlocks.

7

30 things only us men do: 1. Look in the tissue after blowing our nose.

2. Touch hot things, Just to see how hot it is.

3. Set off early, And arrive late.

4. Order food, And still keep looking at the menu.

5. Fart and be proud.

6. Put a “the jester� joke as our facebook status.

7. Beep at girls.

8. Dance to the toilet when out clubbing.

9. Call everyone mate.

10. Dance back from the toilet.

11. Put mobile phone in our front right pocket.

12. Check our phone for no reason.

13. Have a jar for loose change.

14. Hit snooze at least 3 times.

15. Moan about the weather, when inside.

16. Stub our toe, Then blame the thing we stubbed it on.

17. Say 'I love you too' Quietly.

18. Sit with our hands down our trousers, and fiddle.

19. Wear a t-shirt in winter, because we've been to the gym.

20. Call every woman darling.

21. Check our phone, Again.

22. Piss in the shower.

23. Fart in the bath.

24. Lie about our dreams.

25. Give our car a name.

26. Laugh at the disabled.

27. Masturbate, Apparently.

28. Lose the house keys, at home.

29. Save a girls number, With a blokes name.

30. Look in the mirror, and tense our arms.

I don't think it's fair that Babestation are only allowed to show boobs late at night, but BBC Parliament are allowed to show twats all day.

What is the difference between a car trunk full of bowling balls and a car trunk full of dead Pakis? You can't unload your bowling balls with a pitchfork.

Wheelie bin cleaning. Leaves your bin so clean, you could throw your rubbish in it.

My wife said she wants to punish me sexually. I thought sex was the punishment.

Drivers in England are to get 10 minutes grace before being fined if they stay too long in council-owned car parking spaces. This is to allow women to get out of tricky parking bays.

8

It's ages since I've had a barbecue.

As a Liverpool fan, I can't work out whether I love Mario Balotelli or hate him. I guess you could say he's a bit like marmite...

He's black and he can't play football.

Proud Member of the ExPat Winter Pool League. The morning after pill Unnecessarily confusing I just lie there next to the was originally developed by vets to counteract the double-negatives: Can't round bitch. possibility of a pedigree not live with them. Can't My wife is the world’s pooch being accidentally not live without them. best at self-deception She inseminated by a stray A dodgy uncle of mine claims to have had a salad mongrel. It wasn't for has been arrested and for lunch because there use by humans. Thinking jailed because of what was lettuce on her Big laterally, one can only the police found on a hard Mac. assume that the eureka drive in his bedroom. moment came one night, The police have found a A 'Property of Burnley missing girls body parts in when a vet's daughter Borough Council' sticker. Bristol I've phoned the said 'Dad, this is Leroy....'

I get my love of music police and put a bid in for My girlfriend said that she from my Father, who was her fanny. I must of won wasn't very comfortable a conductor. He and the because they've just pulled performing oral sex. So I driver always had the up. bought her a pillow to radio on. kneel on.

I got kicked out of the No matter how much I cinema last night for Three things to do try and buy supermarket bringing my own food before I die: conveyor belt dividers, in with me. I was gutted.

1) Swim with Piranhas. the cashier keeps on putting them back!

Curry and sex doesn't speed up the delivery of the baby. It just causes everyone else in the restaurant to call the Police.

The most frequent sexual position I have with the wife is the number 10.

9

I've started dating the Evil Queen from Snow White. Every night, she says to me, "Fuck me raw, me raw on the wall!"

Macklin´s Welcome Inn. Via Park 3

How many Jews can you fit in a Mini?

Twenty Four. But cargo trains are a much more efficient system.

Poker

Every Wednesday and Friday

Did you know that you can give consent for sex at the age of eight in the UK? It's not legal consent though. But close enough.

Bingo

Saturday 2pm

Quiz

"Janet across the road has just called me in and showed me her tits, " I said to my wife. "WHAT! I'll fucking kill her, "she yelled, and stormed out of the house. Oh dear, I hope she doesn't damage her aviary.

My date asked me, "What's your most recent regret?" "Booking this restaurant." "Really?" she said, "Why's that?" I said, "Because you look nothing like your profile picture".

I was doing a career workshop and I asked this lad what he wanted to do, "I want to extort money, I want to cheat, I want to be feared, I want to walk into places and a silence falls, "he replied. "But Abdul, you're already a Muslim," I said.

Sunday 9pm We now hold a Bookmakers Licence All sports betting legally available here! weasel riding a bird. I think I should wait for Adam Johnson's prosecution evidence.

One of my mates told me that I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space. Which was an incredibly unnecessary and hurtful thing to say, it ruined our bath.

The BBC has confirmed that Ed Miliband may end up debating with an empty chair if David Cameron refuses to attend their head to head showdown People in the UK eat more bananas before the election. Paddy Power and than monkeys. In 2014, they ate Ladbrokes have immediately installed 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys. the chair as odds on favourite to win My wife said to me this morning that the debate if that actually happens.

I put football before our marriage.

"Bullshit," I replied. "It's our third fucking season together."

I once went 12 years without any sex, drugs or alcohol‌ My dad knows how to throw a good 13th birthday party!

If I really wanted to see a picture of a 10

"Are you in yet?" she said, rolling her eyes. "I swear you must have the smallest dick anyone has ever had since the dawn of mankind!" I don't know what's worse, that I've yet to make money off the world's only talking hamster or that she's so brutally honest.

I know that you shouldn't have a favourite child, but only one of my daughters does anal, so it's no contest.

UPVC WINDOWS DOORS & CONSERVATORIES ALL TYPES OF BUILDING WORKS UNDERTAKEN CENTRO COMERCIAL LOS DOLSES, 104 URB VILLAMARTIN - 03189 ORIHUELA COSTA, ALICANTE, SPAIN. TEL: (0034) 966 764 730 - FAX: (0034) 966 764 158 Email: enquiries@candgfabrications.com

I love my wife, she always gives me 100% sound advice. 99% sound, 1% advice.

Muslim suicide bombers are handing back their explosive vests and saying, "Fuck that". After seeing Madonna sing 'Like a Virgin'.

Apparently new research shows that finding a bargain can give the same excitement as sex. That's got to be true.

Women can shop all day and never be

satisfied. Men, two minutes and we're fucking out of there.

The term 'ball park figure' is used to suggest an estimate. I use it to describe my wife.

After a bit of a disappointing fumble on the settee, my wife stormed off: "You're fucking clueless when it comes to sex" she screamed, "I'm going upstairs to play with my clit."‌ Whatever that is.

My wife says she can only get sexually aroused when she's in a position of danger. So I haven't paid the local loan sharks for three months.

My friend bought a new car and immediately had a minor accident that resulted in a hospital trip but no serious injury.

Must have been one of those new 'Harrison' Fords.

Can somebody please notify Liverpool that, along with their lack of imagination, the correct grammar is 'A field', not 'An field'. Thanks.

11

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: 'Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through. So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day.' God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman‌ He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit.

Went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries. Paid the bills and balanced the check book.

He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then, it was already 1 P.M and he hurried to make the beds,

do the laundry, vacuum, dust, sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework. Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, He cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint. The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: Lord, I don't know what I was thinking I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day.

Please! Oh, Please! Let us trade back. Amen!' The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: 'My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though.

You got pregnant last night.'

Every time I hear that dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

12

I like long walks, Especially when they are taken By people who annoy me.

insects. A blackbird has big rubbery lips, a fat arse and lives on benefits."

I had my lifeguard job interview and I was asked what my strengths were.

So I took a deep breath‌ held it for ten minutes, and they hired me.

We invited our daughter's new boyfriend over for dinner. "I want you to know that Sarah and I have only had sex twice, and that both times, we used protection."

"Sorry, I'm not interested in dating a girl whose had sex with her father," he said as he promptly got up and left.

My wife and I decided it was time to come clean, and tell our boy he's adopted. He didn't take it too badly overall. Just sat there and said, "Meow."

I was arrested for joyriding the other day. In my defence, I had no idea that Joy was underage.

I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,‌ Just getting over the hill.

I now masturbate with my little finger out. I'm not posh, it's just that I can only fit four fingers up my arse.

I like my sex, the way I like my fights: In car parks, with gypsies.

I don't know if this Chinese guy on the train is asleep or if I really am engaging in a staring contest with him.

My son had his Muslim mate round for a sleepover. In the morning, his room looked like a bomb had hit it.

My son asked me today "What's the difference between a crow and a blackbird?" I told him, "Crows have somewhat heavier beaks, fan shaped tails and live on 12 A

My wife found out I'd been sleeping with another woman. "It was only one night!"

I assured her. "Fine," she gasped, "I'll let it slide. Which day?" "Every Friday for six months."

As an elderly lady sat on her front porch reflecting on her long life, a Fairy Godmother suddenly appeared and offered to fulfil three wishes for her.

"Well," said the woman, "I guess I'd like to be rich." POOF: The Fairy Godmother turned her rocking chair into solid gold. "And I wouldn't mind being a young and beautiful princess."

POOF: The Fairy Godmother turned the old woman into an exquisite young princess, with a priceless crown of jewels. "your third wish?" asked the Fairy Godmother. "Could you possibly turn my wonderful dog into a handsome prince?" POOF: There, in front stood the most handsome young man anyone had ever seen.

She stared at him in awe, completely smitten. As he came toward her, her knees weakened. He bent down, brushing his lips across her ear as he whispered, "I bet you're fucking sorry you had me neutered now."

into the prison, and dragged the guy who raped a women for four miles and beat him to death. How do you rape someone for four miles?

The Apple Watch is finally here, and it has an 18-hour battery life. And they call this progress? The battery in my watch only needs changing every 2 years or so.

What's the difference between Rory McIlroy and Harrison Ford? Harrison Ford can hit the fairway!!

Patak's TV Ad kid.

"In the 1960's my family started bringing in some of the best spices from India.

I was fascinated by the amazing colours and smells." And then there were the spices.

My wife asked me: hypothetically speaking who would you rather have sex with, my mom, my sister or my best friend. None I replied.

I've had enough of them.

My teacher said, "If you have two apples and, when you get home, your father gives you one... What have you got?" I said, "Two apples and a sore arse, Sir." Daily Mail: In India people broke 14

ANYONE UNDER THE AGE OF 40 SIMPLY WILL NOT UNDERSTAND!!!!

My mum used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread butter on bread on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn't seem to get food poisoning.. Our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper in a brown paper bag, not in ice pack coolers, but I can't remember getting e.. Coli. Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake or at the beach instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring), no beach closures then. We all took PE… and risked permanent injury with a pair of Dunlop sandshoes instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors that cost as much as a small car. I can't recall any injuries but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now. We got the cane for doing something wrong at school, they used to call it discipline yet we all grew up to accept the rules and to honour and respect those older than us. We had 30+ kids in our class and we all learned to read and write, do maths and spell almost all the words needed to write a grammatically correct letter...

FUNNY THAT!! We all said prayers in school and sang the national anthem, and staying in detention after school caught all sorts of negative attention.

We also learnt our times table by reciting them every day. I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself. I just can't recall how bored we were without computers, Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital TV cable

stations. We weren't!! Oh yeah ... and where was the antibiotics and sterilisation kit when I got that bee sting?

I could have been killed! We played “King of the Hill” on piles of gravel left on vacant building sites and when we got hurt, mum pulled out the 2/6p bottle of iodine and then we got our backside spanked. Now it's a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10 day dose of antibiotics and then mum calls the lawyer to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat. To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional family. How could we possibly have known that? We never needed to get into group therapy and/or anger management classes. We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that we didn't even notice that the entire country wasn't taking Prozac!

How did we ever survive?

ITV are currently scouting in Glasgow for people to appear on the new series of The Jeremy Kyle Show. They are looking for people with shaved heads, goatee beards, tattoos on knuckles, beer bellies and personal hygiene issues.

Successful applicants will be allowed to bring their husbands along with them.

What's the difference between The Golden Mile and The Green Mile? One is a vile smelling, cold, dirty place of violence, desperation, hopelessness and filled with criminals, the other ones a Tom Hanks film.

The BBC have confirmed Jeremy Clarkson was suspended for getting his days mixed up. He confused Red Nose Day with Black Eye Day.

15

"So how long are you in for?" I asked my new cellmate. "Just a couple minutes, and then I'm usually done," he replied, as he carried on thrusting.

With all the spam we get for penis enlargement pills, you'd think by now someone would have invented a pill to shrink vaginas instead.

Apparently I was conceived during a Blackout. My mother's.

2 brothers are walking through the park, when the older brother pulls a cigarette out of his pocket and lights up The younger brother says "Can I try some of that?" The older brother replies "Is your dick long enough to reach your arsehole? Because if it is, you're old enough to try, if not, then you can't" A recent article in the West Australian "No its not long enough" the young boy newspaper reported that a woman, replies. "Then you can’t try it" says his Mrs. Maynard, has sued a Perth Hospital, older sibling. Still walking through the saying that after her husband had park, the little boy comes across a surgery there he lost all interest in bundle of £50 notes by a bench "Look sex. A hospital spokesman replied: what I just found" the boy says to his "Mr. Maynard was admitted for cataract older brother. "Give me half of that" surgery. All we did was correct his demands the older brother. "Does your eyesight." dick reach your arsehole?" asks the little I'm divorcing my wife on the grounds of one. "Of course it does" responds the her not understanding my sexual needs. older boy. "Then go fuck yourself".

I need to have sex with better looking I said to the doctor, "I've decided not to women. go through with the cancer treatment."

Looking surprised he said, "Are you I, for one, would take more notice of feminists if they put a nice dress on and sure? The success rate is very high these days." I said, "No, I definitely wore a bit of make up.

You’ve got to admire Jeremy Clarkson don't want to." He said, "I thought you'd for being suspended after a fracas with a just become a father for the first time, surely you want to see your son grow producer. I love the way Clarkson just says what everyone else is thinking and up." I said, "No, not really. He's ginger." just calls a spade a spade. Nomalanga I think my boss just gave me a tip for Simba, the producer, was unavailable the Cheltenham gold cup. He said for comment. lunchtime is now 12 to 1.

16

to mark the first anniversary of missing Malaysia MH 370. Where exactly it will be dropped is anybody's guess.

What does a Paki girl dip into her tea?

Her moustache.

I don't know why everyone's going crazy about the photo of a weasel riding on the back of woodpecker. Isn't that what happened at the last election?

The human jawbone of the first known How many gays does it human found in Ethiopia take to screw in a light has been confirmed as a bulb? One, but it takes a female and not a male. whole emergency room When asked how they to screw it back out!

I'm such a bad singer that could be so sure a spokesman said, "It deaf people can't even was open." look at my lips when Say what you like about I'm singing. the Polish, but they're a Maths works in hard-working lot. In the mysterious ways. flats where I live there's I mean a family upstairs. Before 2x2 = 4 they moved in there was 1x1 = 1 0x0 = a small brown no upstairs! square that can be My girlfriend asked me added to a casserole. if I'd like to have phone sex. "Not really," I said, BBC News.

"I'm pretty sure those Greggs Profits have phone boxes are just for jumped 41%. Just a pity pissing in". their customers can't!

A garland will be Trying to find a white dropped into the Sea man in Bradford is like 17

trying to find wally at a Sunderland v Stoke match.

My girlfriend told me to hurt her with anal sex.

So I used crunchy peanut butter as lube.

Granny knot, surgeon's knot, hangman's knot. I can't do any of them, but my headphones sure fucking can.

My arm shakes so much from Parkinson's Disease, scrubbing the bathroom tiles is a doddle. Which is handy, there's piss everywhere.

A gay bloke robs a bank and on his way out a policeman sees him and shouts, "Freeze punk!"

The gay stops suddenly in his tracks, turns around and says, "Free what?"

What do you call a Muslim on a plane?

A passenger, because there's no fucking way we'd let him pilot one.

I just stole a bob-sleigh.

Then made a run for it.

I have a ninedency to understate things.

TANNOY: Would the Parents of the lost little black girl please report to Customer Service, Madonna is trying to buy her!

Pam Ayres Sat Nav, It lists the vehicles just in front, or GPS to some!

I have a little Satnav, It sits there in my car A Satnav is a driver's friend, it tells you where you are.

I have a little Satnav; I've had it all my life It's better than the normal ones, my Satnav is my wife.

It gives me full instructions, especially how to drive "Its sixty miles an hour", it says, "You’re doing sixty five".

It tells me when to stop and start, and when to use the brake and tells me that it's never ever, safe to overtake.

It tells me when a light is red, and when it goes to green It seems to know instinctively, just when to intervene.

meeting for my Premature Ejaculator's support group. But it turns out that it's tomorrow.

Those two guys who thought Superman was a bird or a plane? What the fuck were they so excited about?

I had to laugh last night when my wife said she wasn't in the mood for sex. As if it's an option.

A scouser went to court accused of having sex with a cat. The judge dismissed the case saying that in his 30 years as a judge he'd never known a scouser put anything into a kitty!

Local Islamic leaders have come forward to condemn Adam Johnson for alleged sexual activity with a 15 year-old girl.

"The Koran teaches us to respect our elderly women. This undignified act has brought shame on her husbands and grandchildren".

'Viagra' is now available in tea bags. It doesn't enhance your sexual Performance, but it does stop your biscuit going soft.

and all those to the rear And taking all this into account, it specifies my gear.

I'm sure no other driver has so helpful a device For when we leave and lock the car, it still gives its advice.

It fills me up with counselling, each journey’s pretty fraught So why don't I exchange it, and get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house, makes sure I'm properly fed It washes all my shirts and things, and keeps me warm in bed!

Despite all these advantages, and my tendency to scoff, I only wish that now and What do you call a dick then, I could turn the sucking Muslim living in bugger off.

Scotland? Ramitin This morning I went to a Mamooth!

18

A man and his wife went to the doctor.

The doctor took the husband in first.

The husband was a bit embarrassed and told the doctor he had trouble getting an erection with his wife and she was getting frustrated. The doctor checked his blood pressure and other things, then said he was going to check with the wife. He took her to another cubicle and asked her to disrobe. Then he told her to turn all the way around slowly.

She did as instructed. He then told her to turn all the way around in the other direction. Then he said "Ok, Good. You can get dressed now, and I will talk to your husband". The doctor went back to the other cubicle and said to the husband, "Well, you can relax, there is nothing wrong with you.

I couldn't get an erection either".

An Irishman was walking home late at night and sees a woman lurking in the shadows. "Twenty Euros," she whispers.

Paddy had never had a hooker before, but decides, what the hell, it's only twenty Euros. He takes up her offer and they hide in the bushes..! They're going at it for a couple of minutes, when, all of a sudden, a light flashes on them, It's a police officer..! "What's going on here, people?" asks the officer, "I'm making love to me wife," the Irishman answers sounding annoyed...! "Oh, I'm so sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know!"

"Well, neither did I," said Paddy, "til ya shined dat feckin light in her face!!�

The doctor was on his daily round of the mental asylum and had just entered the room of two of his long term patients. One was sawing imaginary wood into hundreds of pieces and the other was hanging upside down from

WHAT’S ON IN APRIL 3rd - Good Friday at 4.30 pm & St Georges Day THE STREETERS "live "Jamm Session PLUS Many new acts appearing at PABLOS Live Entertainment Every Night.

the ceiling. "What are you doing?" the doctor asked the first man. "I'm sawing wood," he said, "isn't that obvious?"

"Well, what's your friend doing?"

"Oh, don't mind him, he thinks he's a light bulb." "Don't you think you should help him down before all the blood rushes to his head?" continued the doctor. "What!" exclaimed the man, "and work in the fucking dark!"

The Bible states that homosexuality and sexually pleasuring oneself are sins. It also says that God made Eve from one of Adam's ribs. So every man born since him is technically guilty of both.

My mate asked me, "Are you pro-or anti-vaccination?" I replied, "Bit of both, really. "He said, "How is that possible?"

I replied, "Well, I'm pro-vaccination for white kids."

I ejaculated six feet earlier. Strange, I usually ejaculate semen.

19

My wife just asked me if her appendix scar made her look unattractive. The response "don't worry babe, your tits cover it". Is the wrong answer.

Prince Charles and the Hooker.

Prince Charles decided to take up walking every day. At the same street corner he passed a hooker standing there every day. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow. "One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout.

"No! Five pounds!" He’d say from the side of his mouth, just to shut her up.

While I'm in Indonesia I've found out, This ritual between him and the hooker masturbation is a crime punished by became a daily occurrence. She'd yell, death. I could die for a wank.

"One hundred and fifty pounds!" He'd yell back, "Five pounds!" One day, A man who was recently convicted Camilla decided to accompany her of having sex with a post box has been found dead on a Wigan street. My guess husband. As the couple neared the hooker's corner, Prince Charles is the culprit was a married Muslim realised she'd bark her £150 offer bloke. and Camilla would wonder what Has their face fallen on one side? he'd really been doing on all his past Is their speech slurred? Act fast, get outings. He figured he'd better have a your autograph book. You've bumped good explanation for his wife. As they into Sylvester Stallone! neared the hooker’s corner he became "Mum, I've got a terrible sore throat, " even more apprehensive than usual. "you're very lucky, I remember having a Sure enough, there she stood. He tried terrible sore throat 20 years ago," "why? to avoid eye contact as she watched the did they not have a decent anti biotic pair pass. Then, the hooker yelled: "See then?" "Oh yes, it's just that you should what you get for five pounds, you tight have been a blow job." bastard!"

My mate caught me sniffing his sister's Today is World Book Day, where all knickers while wanking. Let’s just say books can be read by anybody. Apart it made her funeral the next day very from the countries in which God has awkward. decided his book is banned. And certain Muslim countries, where women aren't My wife is suffering from depression. allowed to read. And the Jeremy Kyle She phoned me the other day and said "I feel like jumping in front of a bus and studio, where no fucker can read. you're not doing anything to help".

I wonder if his name was Harrison So I sent her a timetable.

Boeing, would he still have crashed?

20

From Genesis: "And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth." Then He made the earth round...and He laughed and laughed and laughed!

3rd April - 9pm Live Music Cher Tribute & More With Chloe Leigh.

10th & 17th - 9pm Music Video Quiz Night.

24th - 9pm Live Music - Mod/Ska Night With Vocalist Johnny Fox 1st May Northern Soul Music Night Sunday Lunch´s 2pm - 5pm CLOSED MONDAYS

One day, a shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting," thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.?

Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself.

Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness. Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry-on bag and began penciling in the answers. "This is fantastic!" the gentleman mused. "I'm really good at crosswords. It crossed his mind that if the Pope got stuck, He’d ask me for assistance." Almost as if providence struck, the Pope turned to the man and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'unt'? The three Cardinals behind, in front of and beside him shrunk down in their seats, as far as possible, all looking for something on the floor. The man was in morbid shock.

He couldn’t breathe. He went within himself, thought deeper, longer for a plausible answer and after almost a minute, the dark clouds of evil parted in his mind and the sun shone in! Turning to the Pope, the gentleman said, with reverence and politeness, "I believe, Your Greatness, that you're looking for the word, 'aunt'?" "Of course," the Pope mused, not taking his gaze off the

cross-word, "You wouldn´t have an eraser, would you?

On the eve of our anniversary my wife and I agreed that whoever woke up first in the morning should wake the other one with oral sex. Come the morning I was up first so I slowly pulled back the covers and stuck my dick in her mouth.

The gold edition of the Apple Watch is priced at £10,000. If I wanted to spend £10,000 on something that'll be worth fuck all to me in 3 years time, I'd buy an engagement ring.

After having a new wool carpet fitted, I invited my neighbour Winston round for dinner to show off. "Ooh, nice." He said, arriving at the door. "Shall I take my shoes off?" "Nah, no need." I told him. "We've got knives and forks."

I learned two very important lessons today. I can't remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.

21

APPLES BACON BANANAS BREAD BROCCOLI BUTTER CAKE CARROTS CHEESE COLD

DRAWERS DRINKS EGGS GRAPES ICE CUBES JAM JUICES KETCHUP LEFTOVERS LEMONS

LETTUCE LIGHTBULB MAGNETS MAPLE SYRUP MAYONNAISE MEAT MILK MUSTARD OLIVES ORANGES

PEAS POULTRY PRODUCE SHELVES SPINACH STRAWBERRIES

WATER YOGURT

Find and circle all of the refrigerator items that are hidden in the grid. The remaining letters spell an additional item found in many refrigerators. Work it out, then text the Editor on: 664 10 60 10 with the answer and your contact details. The first correct answer will win this months surprise prize. Good Luck.

22

door neighbour. "Of course it doesn't happen, "I replied, "you have them married off as soon as they reach puberty."

If labour win the next general election will the last person to leave the room turn out the whites.

So van Gaal walks into the United dressing room and Mata and Jones are measuring their scrotums against the other lads and exchanging money. Van Gaal says "Oi no long-ball game today lads."

Isis revealed that there national anthem would need to reflect there culture and beliefs... so the old classic "Goat riders in the sky" fits the bill perfectly said Akhmed.

I was with a crowd who were looking at a jumper on a building when this guy appeared next to me and asked, "What's going on?" "A woman up there is threatening to jump, they have just sent a negotiator up to try and talk her down." "Oh God, that's my wife, "he said, and ran off. "Where are you going? "I called, "to fucking stop him, "he shouted.

My girlfriend's squealing with delight in the bathroom, playing with her selfie stick. Or, as Ann Summers advertise it, a 12" dildo.

"I heard your wife and teenage daughter having a very loud row last night, I'm glad that doesn't happen in our culture," said Mohammed, my next

Some doctors are advising that morbidly obese people should get the flu jab.

Nonsense. What if they burst?

In his Budget address, Chancellor George Osborne said Britain is 'walking tall' again. Yeah George, but only because you've driven thousands of disabled people to suicide.

OK Magazine "Carol Vorderman displays 'thigh gap' and weight loss in new pictures" I think they are confusing 'thigh gap' with 'camel toe'.

23

I Wonder Why? I wonder why, as we grow old, They push us further from the fold, 'You've moved abroad', is oft the cry, 'and you want equal treatment! Why?'

'You live in Spain - expect the vote?'

Repeated with monotonous note.

The government just does not care ‘We have no interest in you there’.

Our generation has been the one that's worked so hard but kept its fun, its independence! and is not cowed

by Government that lies out loud.

I was walking through the park today when a dog ran up to me and tried to bite my leg. "Just give him a kick" shouted the owner. It must have been about 2 miles later before I finally got the wee fucker.

I sat my son down. I said, "Young boy, do you know what happens when you don't wear a condom?" "Yes. Pregnancy dad." "No, little man, better sex.

Chat up lines that work - number 12.

"What's the difference between you and my big toe?" "I haven't banged you on my coffee table yet."

Have they not the sense, the wit, to see that we know wrong from 'rit'? I seriously regret employing this old black fella to take calls at my DVD We have the weight of law onside, Though’ their own laws are misapplied. rental shop. There's fucking Skittles everywhere.

Our politicians are the joke Confusion over whether Cyril Smith as they point fingers and they poke abused children or ate them. with fun the citizen abroad whilst they at home parade their fraud.

I'll say this much for apartheid.

At least you know where you stand.

The old, the frail, need winter heat They’re brushed aside by hearts concrete.

'It’s hot in Spain' says he called Smith, ‘No fuel for you, it stops forthwith'.

‘Protect their benefits is the cry’ Cameron shouts it to the sky Brits in Europe need not apply, We’ll ignore them – they will die.

'All the taxes that they pay we will use our own sweet way' 'So if you're old and feel the cold Then more blankets you must unfold' There is one place that hears our cry, Our plea to Brussels, they’ll say 'aye'.

'You've earned it and you’ve paid your dues, Westminster lies, here’s some good news'.

24

25

26

My wife walked through the bedroom door in high heels, bra and knickers, crawled over to the bed, licked her lips and begged me to take her round the world. "No thanks, love," I replied. "I feel bloated and I've got a headache." Which was a nice tribute to International Women's Day. As it's international woman's day I think it's only fair to pay tribute to the woman who has taken my shit for years, gave me most of her money, cooked and cleaned for me, not to mention the degrading sex acts she performs for me. Thanks mum.

I just uploaded 12 pictures of my dick to boomf.com to print on marshmallows for my wife. I bet she won't have any problems stuffing them in her mouth.

Makes sense that International women's day is on a Sunday. Had to be after a man had spent a week doing all the hard work and was taking a rest.

My first reaction to the death of a dog being headline news, was 'serves the ugly bitch right for going to Syria in the first Red bull and wotsits to hack into the ISIS place'. Then I heard the rest of the command centre and change their details and got quite emotional. RIP Internet provider to BT broadband?

Jagger.

I think my new girlfriend's a bit of a A cash machine has just charged me slag. I've just Googled 'the best things to two pound for a transaction but told me do in London', and her name came up. to cover my PIN to prevent from being A little black girl stopped me in the robbed. Pretty ironic if you ask me. street, and said, "Excuse me sir, can you It's a well known fact that Islamic state help me find my parents?" I replied, "I'll have asked idiots all over the world to find your mum, but your dad would take join them in Syria via social media, and years." the Governments around the world "Nigel Farage has a German wife". think the best way to sort out this Proof that we just bring immigrants problem is by spending millions on a bombing campaign. Why don't they just over to do the jobs no one else can pay a Cyber geek in a life times worth of face doing.

27

An ad from 65 Years ago. Priceless.

A little old lady from Wisconsin had worked in and around her family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation. When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in the 1940s, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan. The producers wanted a rhyme beginning With 'Carnation Milk is best of all.' She thought to herself, I know everything there is to know about milk and dairy farms. I can do this! She sent in her entry, and several weeks later, a black car pulled up in front of her house. A large man got out, knocked on her door and said, "Ma'am, The president of Carnation milk absolutely LOVED your entry..... So much, in fact, that we are here to award you $1,000 even though we will not be able to use it for our advertisements!" He did, however, have one printed up to hang on his office wall.

(Here it is:) True story!!!

Japan.

Some interesting facts. * In just ten years Hiroshima returned to what it was economically vibrant before the fall of the atomic bomb. * Japan prevents the use of mobile phones in trains, restaurants and indoors. * For first to sixth primary year Japanese students must learn ethics in dealing with people. * Even though one of the richest people in the world, the Japanese do not have servants. The parents are responsible for the house and children. * There is no examination from the first to the third primary level because the goal of education is to instil concepts and character building. * If you go to a buffet restaurant in Japan you will notice people only eat as much as they need without any waste because food must not be wasted. * The rate of delayed trains in Japan is about 7 seconds per year!! The Japanese appreciate the value of time and are very punctual to minutes and seconds. * Children in schools brush their teeth (sterile) and clean their teeth after a meal at school, teaching them to maintain their health from an early age. * Japanese students take half an hour to finish their meals to ensure proper digestion because these students are the future of Japan.

Something to think about.

If Clarkson is so keen to convince people he is not a racist bastard who hits people, why brag he is off to watch Chelsea?

28

wanting them as you can't see them. . load of shit..

Boobs are covered by bras and that doesn't stop you wanting what’s inside..

I'd shag that.

And that.

And that.

Not that.

I'd deffo shag that.

I love Crufts!

An Engineer had been unemployed for long time. He could not find a job so he opened a medical clinic and puts a sign up outside: "Get your treatment for £500, if not treated get back £1,000." One Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn £1,000 and goes to his clinic. Doctor: "I have lost taste in my mouth." Engineer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor: "This is Gasoline!" Engineer: Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be £500." The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money. Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything." Engineer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." Doctor: "But that is Gasoline!"

Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be £500."

The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several more days. Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak."

Engineer: "Well, I don't have any Just been to the shop and I've noticed medicine for this. Take this £1,000." they have now got barriers blocking you Doctor: "But this is £500..." Engineer: being able to see the cigarettes now, Congratulations! You got your vision apparently it’s a deterrent to stop you back! That will be £500."

Only an Australian Can Make a Woman Feel Like a Woman.

A plane passed through a severe storm.

The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning. One woman lost it completely. She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed: 'I'm too young to die,' she cried. Then she yelled: 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?' For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then the man from Australia stood up in the rear of the plane. He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes.

Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest. She gasped… Then, he spoke… 'Iron this -- and then get me a beer.’’

29

SYRIA 3 ENGLAND 0 The three missing teenage girls who are believed to have been radicalised and gone to join Islamic State have finally made contact with the BBC. The reporter asked them if they had been drugged or abused by filthy, dirty old Muslim men. The girls replied that they hadn't been anywhere near Rochdale....

I'm disgusted at the selfishness of the 3 British Muslim girls who sneaked off to Syria. Why couldn't they take their families with them?!

The parents of three teenage girls who went to Syria to join ISIS are being fined for allowing them to take unauthorised holidays during school term time.

The only thing worse than the thought of three Moslem schoolgirls entering Syria is three Moslem schoolboys entering Jordan.

Rumours are that the three young girls who left to join IS have been raped, beaten and sold into slavery....after their flight was delayed and they had to stay in Birmingham.

The families of three British teenage girls thought to have run away to Syria have come together and pleaded with their daughters to come home. "We are losing child tax credits and family allowance," claimed the girls' fathers.

As the plane hurtled towards the ground at six hundred miles an hour, everybody around me was screaming, crying and hugging each other. But me?

Well, I wasn't worried at all. You see, I was wearing my seat belt.

BBC News: Doing housework cuts breast cancer risk. Also cuts risk of getting a kicking risk.

What's the difference between a male chav and a female chav? Female chavs have a higher sperm count...and can spit farther!

A catastrophic crash killing Frogs in Argentina. Jeremy Clarkson suspended.

Coincidence?.

My camel's got three humps. Two on his back and, for some reason, he's not talking to me.

A woman who was driving down the highway pulled over to the side of the road when the policeman driving behind her turned on his lights and siren. She didn't have her seat belt on so as soon as she stopped, she quietly and hurriedly slipped it on before the officer got to her window. After talking to her about speeding, the officer said, "I see you are wearing your seat belt. Do you believe in wearing it at all times?" "Yes, I do, officer," she politely replied. Interesting," said the officer. "Do you always loop it through your steering wheel like that?"

My wife got so fed up with me not decorating the lounge she stopped sleeping with me. I decided it was time to call in a pro. The lounge is still unfinished but at least I've had a couple of blow-jobs.

Anjem Choudary has said that because democracy is a Western idea, Muslims should not vote. The Labour Party have now conceded defeat in the general election.

Claims Direct don't fuck about, do they? I was hit by a car this morning while crossing the road because I was too busy reading a text message they'd sent me. 'You could be owed ÂŁ3,250 for the accident you had!'

30

A Japanese couple are having an argument over ways of performing highly erotic sex: Husband: "Sukitaki. mojitaka!"

Wife replies: "Kowanini! mowi janakpa!"

Husband says angrily: "Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!" Wife on her knees literally begging, "Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!" Husband replies angrily: "Na miaou kina Tim kouji!" I can't believe you just sat and tried to read this -- as if you understand Japanese! You'll read anything as long as it is about sex.

You need serious help.

My blind date asked me, "What was your family like growing up?" "Well," I said, "first they were very little, and then they were fully grown".

The organisers of the International Women's Day forgot that it was yesterday. It's okay, though. They bought everyone a small piece of jewellery and now everything is alright.

As I walked into a restaurant last night the manager stopped me and said, "I'm really sorry sir, but we have no seats available." "Oh right." I sighed, "Do you mind if I just use your toilet?" "Not at all." he replied. I said, "Great, I'll have the mixed grill then please."

Me and the wife were talking yesterday when she asked me whether I thought

Google would be male or female if it were a human. "Simple", I replied, "It would be a woman." "Why?" She asked.

"Because you can't finish your sentence without it coming up with a different suggestion".

I was screwing my new girlfriend up the bum when she asked, "How are you so good at this?" "Years of practice," I replied. "Bit of a player in your day?" she laughed. "No, I used to be in prison."

She may not be blonde, but Abby Martin is my ideal woman. Her legs go right the way up to her ears, leaving no room for her brain.

Most black teenagers are perfectly normal, law abiding citizens. It's their kids that are the problem.

John Terry has denied being a racist.

He added: "I've got nothing against black buggers. In fact I was shagging Kurt Zouma's mum last night."

A sequel to 'Nuns On The Run' will be set in an orphanage. 'Priests On The Pull' begins filming next month.

I don't understand why people use the phrase "getting on like a house on fire" like it’s something good. All I've ever seen from a house on fire is total chaos and destruction.

31

Daily News version: Danger & Terror in the South of England.

Sky News: Could THIS be Al-Qaeda??

BBC News: What will David Cameron do about this??

Actual News: Boy, 3, has pedal bike stolen by Girl, 5, in Portsmouth.

I always thought that a Bi-Sexual was another name for a Prostitute.

My girlfriend's pregnant, so I've been tip-toeing around the house. Putting my stuff in a bag ready to leg it.

Well it's almost over.

After 69 days of doing nothing a group of men in hard hats and high visibility jackets are getting ready I see they have completed to go home. The council have finally filled in the the worlds first penis pothole at the end of my transplant, let me be the road. first to welcome Piers Morgan to top gear.

My girlfriend said, "Fancy a bit of phone fun tonight?"

I was offered sex today, with a 21 year old girl. In I said, "Yeah, definitely.

Let's call your mum and exchange for that, I was tell her you've died." supposed to advertise

some kind of bathroom cleaner to my friends. Of course I declined because I am a person of high moral standards with a strong willpower. Just as strong I won a round the world as Ajax, the super strong race 11 months ago. The bathroom cleaner. Now victory lap was a bad idea. available scented with lemon or vanilla.

I'm not saying the new I'm not saying Michael Apple watch will only be worn by wankers but it's Gove is a useless prick...

But it wouldn't surprise not vibration, shock and me if his answer to imsplash proof for nothing. proving higher education Just goes to show the was to build taller schools.

BBCs priorities. Jeremy Clarkson gets suspended, I don't believe in the practice of abortion, get Jimmy Savile got a Rolls it right the first time.

Royce.

If your wife can't handle The man who invented a compliment, maybe she gambling has died. His shouldn't keep such a well funeral will take place on: groomed moustache.

Monday 10-1.

Tuesday 5-1 BBC News: 'Missing Wednesday 20-1 eight-year-old found safe.'

Thursday 20-2 But I bet she couldn't Friday 25-2 open it.

For a second I thought I'd found the entrance to a mosque for one-legged Muslims. Turns out it was just Clarks.

32

In my experience, nothing fucks a woman up more than stopping mid-rape, apologising and telling her that you just aren't that into her.

There is a campaign to find a National Bird of Britain. I reckon it should be Katie Price. She's a bird, and half the nation have already had her.

My mate found me curled up drunk in a field kissing a pumpkin last night. "Mate, you realise you're getting off with a pumpkin right?"

"Oh shit," I slurred, "is it midnight already?"

I can get 2 ring doughnuts on my flaccid penis. I don't know how many I can get on my erect penis because the staff at Greggs are fucking ugly.

And now for some light racism. Anorexic nigger.

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?" "Morris Feinberg," he replied. "Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?" "For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?" "I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews, and the Muslims." "I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop." "I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man." "I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests." And finally "I pray that

everyone will be happy". How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?" "Like I'm talking to a fucking brick wall!"

I got stuck behind a learner driver on the road today. He was dithering and holding me up, so the first chance I got I cut him up, shouting "Fucking learners!

Pain in the arse!" as I drove away. And that's when the examiner told me I'd failed my test.

I was telling my mate that time travel has never existed and never will do.

"What makes you say that?" He asked "The evidence is all around us," I replied, "Muslims."

My girlfriend accused me of being immature and wanted me to take charge.

"Alright then," I said, "Follow me back to my place and sleep with me!" "Ooh, very commanding." "Yeah, I get scared at night on my own, since mummy left".

If you give a starving African man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Give him a fishing rod and he'll swap it for some fried chicken.

Obesity‌ The easiest way to avoid rape.

33

A POEM THAT SOME OF US CAN RELATE TO. I remember the cheese of my childhood, And the bread that we cut with a knife, When the children helped with the housework, And the men went to work not the wife.

The cheese never needed a fridge, And the bread was so crusty and hot The children were seldom unhappy And the wife was content with her lot.

I remember the milk from the bottle, With the yummy cream on the top, Our dinner came hot from the oven, And not from the fridge; in the shop.

The kids were a lot more contented, They didn't need money for kicks, Just a game with their mates in the road, And sometimes the Saturday flicks.

I remember the shop on the corner, Where a pen'orth of sweets was sold Do you think I'm a bit too nostalgic?

Or is it...I'm just getting old?

I remember the 'loo' was the lav And the bogey man came in the night, It wasn't the least bit funny Going "out back" with no light.

The interesting items we perused From the newspapers cut into squares, And hung on a peg in the loo, It took little to keep us amused.

The clothes were boiled in the copper With plenty of rich foamy suds But the ironing seemed never ending As Mum pressed everyone's 'duds'.

I remember the slap on my backside, And the taste of soap if I swore Anorexia and diets weren't heard of And we hadn't much choice what we wore.

This was very alarming to me, but it does explain alot!!

Beer contains female hormones!

Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!

Last month, Montreal University and scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

To test a theory, 100 men each drank 8 schooners of beer within a one (1) hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men: 1) Argued over nothing.

2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

3) Gained weight.

4) Talked excessively without making sense.

5) Became overly emotional.

6) Couldn't drive.

7)Failed to think rationally, and 8) Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary!

Kellogg's has come up with new mascots for their Chocolate Rice Krispies. They're called "Oh Snap", "Crack Ho'" and "Pop a Cap in Yo Ass"!

A terrorist attack has blown away two local houses - one made of straw and the other made of wood. Police think that it's probably a lone wolf.

Elton John has promised to boycott Dolce & Gabbana after they said that children born by IVF are "synthetic".

Wait till they find out about his hair.

34

than those who didn't. Unless they're still breast feeding.

Can't believe my Chinese Neighbours.

They kept squinting after the eclipse.

I tried using a colander to view the eclipse. I think I've strained my eye’s.

I may have a small penis but I see the pussy as half full.

My wife says I don't satisfy her anymore.

Probably because I'm a man, not a fucking cake shop.

I saw Paddy looking directly at the solar eclipse. "Didn't you read any of the warnings?" I said, "You could go blind looking at the sun like that!" "I'm not that stupid," he replied, squinting. "I'm looking at the moon."

So that's it, the last one was 1999 finally one today and another not due until 2026. Not the eclipse. But a blow job from the wife is always welcome.

The neighbour's kids are really beginning to piss me off. Time and time again, I have to tell them the same thing over and over… "If you don't stop crying, someone will hear us."

Learned a lesson today - when airport security say "empty your bag", they mean the one I'm carrying.

I recently bought a surround-sound system for my TV - it is so crisp, clear and lifelike. My neighbours now think I have the most incredible sex life and can speak eight different languages...

Welsh is a language invented by someone who was shit at scrabble.

If Simon has 150 vintage comics, and buys 10 more each costing £58 from his savings of £46,000, what is he left with?

His virginity.

I've gone to see a doctor about my sex addiction. She's got very nice tits!

By the age of 30, people who breast fed are more intelligent and earn 30% more 35

I was watching my neighbour's daughter sunbathing naked in their garden yesterday, and I can tell that she is a right nymphomaniac. She's only 8 years old, but has already got a shaved pussy!

So Mr Grey from 50 shades is a billionaire and into bondage.

I wonder how many women would still be interested if he was just a kinky pervert picking up his giro from the post office in the Morning.

A woman was arrested after being caught masturbating during a screening of 50 Shades of Grey at a cinema in Mexico. Somehow I don't think being manhandled and handcuffed by men in uniform was a suitable punishment in this case.

A group of Primary School infants, accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to Taunton races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses. When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their underpants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher

said, 'You must be in year four.' "No, love," he replied. "I'm riding the second favourite in the 2.15".

I rang the pathologist after six days and asked him why my wife's autopsy was taking so long. "We're still working on the stomach contents," he replied.

Jeremy Clarkson has been suspended.

He must have done something that even the BBC find inexcusable. So that rules out child abuse then....

I'm white and my girlfriend is black. I'm trying to convince her we should adopt a Chinese baby so we can tell people that's how they are made.

My son came up to me sobbing his eyes out because his toy was broken. Go and pass me the super glue," I smiled, "We'll have this fixed in no time." It actually worked, he never made a sound for the next ten hours.

I told my wife that I was going to leave her for my black girlfriend. "Please, don't!" she cried. "What does she have that I don't?" "Most of your jewellery, for one," I replied.

Albania's economy was plunged into crisis today as their donkey died.

36

I can’t stand people who think they're worse off than everybody else.

My mate Don is brilliant.

He had a bad accident where he lost his voice and both legs. Does he make a song and dance about it? Does he hell!

My cannibal son has been suspended from cookery classes at school. He was mixing with the wrong people.

Anyone out there who really wants to treat their kids to one last expensive gift, before their cancer takes them. Toys R us do a 14 day, money back, no quibble guarantee.

While having sex with my new girlfriend, she looked me in the eyes and said, "Be honest, just how into me are you?" "Right now, all the way. About three inches."

Did you know that if you collect all the sperm that comes out of your penis for your entire lifetime...

Then you're single.

International woman's day has been cancelled, the reason given for cancelling was .....because.

My kinky new girlfriend said she wanted me to hurt her with anal sex.

So I fucked her dad.

My wife just said that she's fed up with tidying up after me. Fuck knows what she's talking about. I don't even tidy up.

Because of a shortage of lethal-injection chemicals , the state of Utah has decided to bring back death by firing squad.

You can be sure there'll be no shortage of Americans applying for that job.

The Anne Frank museum has put on display the last gift Anne got from her father. A drum set.

I like to crawl around the bed naked, dragging my dick on the carpet.

I call it floorplay.

I've nicknamed my wife's fanny, "cheap fairground ride." Little kids keep falling out of it.

speak to them for the next two years.

Went to see the worst faith healer ever last night.

He was so bad, a bloke in a wheelchair got up and walked out.

I raised the alarm at work today. The midgets were furious.

I was with this Prostitute last night and noticed she had a particularly smelly minge so I asked her when she had her last check-up.

"Not sure" she said "but last night I had 3 Polish Roofers and a Romanian Pickpocket".

I'm not saying my wife's tall, but last week she dropped our baby and we're still waiting for it to hit the floor.

I must be getting older.

When I was born I was so Lately, all I'm looking for mad at my parents, I didn't is a one-night sit.

37

38

My sexy secretary bent over at the office today, so I pulled down her panties and tried to start fingering her, but she screamed and ran away. I was very confused and pondered the situation for a long time. I've come to the conclusion that real life must be different to porn movies.

flirted some more, we danced and I couldn't believe my luck. She took me back to her place, got on top of me and gave me the best shag I've had in years.

I never cum so hard in my life. Anyway the next day my wife found out, so I'm going to take her to court and say she raped me.

As a dwarf, oral sex is my favourite thing.

I love going up on a woman.

I was having a really shit day. First my car broke down, then I got dumped and then to top it off I thought I was driving along I'd cheer myself up earlier when some with a big mac. There I was with my twat smashed into the back of me at big mac, chocolate milkshake and extra 60mph. I got out of the car and saw that large fries all ready to guzzle it down my rear end was smashed to pieces. whilst wallowing in moderately obese The smug twat got out of his 4X4 and self-pity. I walked over to the condiment shouted, "What the fuck did you brake counter and just as I reached in for the for?" So I fell to my knees, pointed at necessary disposable, paper wrapped the boot and screamed, "My girlfriend manual vacuum drinking apparatus with was in the boot, you killed her!" He which I planned to consume my poor look shocked and started trembling. I man's frappuccino, some snot nosed kid felt like I'd really wiped the smile off his took the last one. Well, that really was face, but then he started screaming and the final straw. crying hysterically. I started to feel a bit bad, so I went to comfort him. I opened I'm not saying it's a bit rough round where I live, but the kids play hopscotch the boot and said, "Look mate, I was around chalked body outlines. only joking. You can clearly see, she's been dead weeks.

I recently came out to my best friend and told him I was gay. He turned his You won't believe what happened to back on me... That was his first mistake. me last night. I was flirting with this

beautiful girl, hoping she'd buy me free drinks... and she did! So I kept flirting... wondering if she was stupid enough to buy me more drinks, and she did! I

This girl with braces offered to give me a blowjob, which actually quite took me by surprise. Never expected that from a lesbian.

39

same way ordering three pints and drinking a sip out of each in turn until they are finished. One day he comes in & orders just two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice & fall silent.

When he goes back to the bar for the second round the barman says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief but I My dyslexic son came last in the school wanted to offer my condolences on pottery contest. Stupid sod wrote a your great loss." Paddy looks confused poem. for a moment, then the penny drops & he starts to laugh, "Oh no," he says, I have found after extensive research "Bejesus, everyone is fine! that remaining celibate for 4 days or more produces a thick oleaginous liquid “Tis me............... I've Quit Drinking!” on ejeculation but has limited projectile There are two different processes for characteristics. On the other hand a our perception of sight: Colour and one day's ejeculation whilst having Shape. Apparently, men have a faster good projectile potential tends to be sensory capability for shape than women somewhat watery in appearance. and, conversely, women with colour Therefore I have reached the conclusion over men. Amazing. Along with muscle that the ideal celibacy time to produce a grouping and proteins, this helps men good cum shot is about two and a half to have an edge over women in sporting days. Now, if you would please turn to abilities, impressive reflexes and split page 18 of your hymn books....... second decisions. By contrast, colour helps women decide whose socks are Paddy walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits whose when they come out of the wash. in the corner of the room drinking a sip out of each pint in turn. When he had finished all three, he went back to the bar & ordered three more. The barman says, "You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it. Your pint would taste better if you bought one at a time."

Paddy replies, "Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America & de odder in Australia & here I am in Dublin.

When we all left home, we promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder." The barman admits that this is a nice custom and says no more. Paddy becomes a regular customer & always drinks the

BBC News - "Stephen Hawking: God did not create Universe". If God DID exist, he'd be pretty pissed off. In fact, if I was god I would probably have gone back in time and punished Hawking in some horrible way… Nope, no sign of that.

40

Scientists have just discovered a man-eating fish in the bottom of the Atlantic ocean. They still can't figure out how he cooks them.

The shopkeeper replies, "That we do Lad, does tha' want a Magnum or a Cornetto?"

When my girlfriend suggested we try playing doctors and nurses, I was really hoping for something sexier than being left in a corridor for 2 days.

My wife said to me, "Isn't it odd how on our keyboard the letters ORPN have been worn out?"

The girl at the Ryan Air check-in desk said, Window or aisle?" I replied, "Window or you'll what?"

I love eating cucumber but for some reason it leaves my skin very dry. You should've seen the looks I just got when I bought one along with a tub A woman finds Aladdin magic lamp.

She starts rubbing it and a Genie comes of Vaseline. out as usual. The woman looks at the A charity worker stopped me outside Genie and asks him to grant her wishes: the supermarket today and said, "I'm I want my husband to have eyes only for collecting for the starving children in me. I want to be the only one in his life. Africa." "Oh, right," I said, slipping a I want him to sleep always by my side. few coins into her tin. "There you go."

I want that when he gets up in the She smiled and said, "Thanks, but they morning I am the first thing he grabs were chocolate coins." "I know," I and takes me everywhere he goes. The replied. "Are those fucking kids Genie turned her into a Smart Phone. hungry or not?"

My mother in law sounded excited when I told her I've organised a 'Black Tie' event in her honour. Some people call them funerals.

Some scientists have warned that, once computers become intelligent, they will surpass mankind and render us obsolete, in a Terminator-type situation. Fortunately, thanks to the internet, once computers become as intelligent as us they'll just spend all day watching cat videos on YouTube.

Started up a website for women drivers only. Bloody thing kept crashing...

A bloke from Barnsley wakes up with a sore arse. He goes to the shop and says to the shopkeeper "nah then, does tha' sell arse cream?"

41

"I don't even remember the last time we had sex.".

Our local bin men must hate reversing their truck.

But at least they bleep out the swearing.

I have to walk early in the morning. Before my brain figures out what I'm doing...

We all get heavier as we get older, Because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Every time I start thinking too much About how I look, I just find a pub with a Happy Hour And by the time I leave, I look just fine.

My Chinese horoscope says that as a man born in the year of the rabbit, my ideal mates are Sheep, Pigs, Snakes and Horses.

But the pricks from the RSPCA are still going to prosecute me.

I was making out with some fit bid in a club for at least five minutes last night. When suddenly a bouncer that actually knew CPR dragged me off and saved her.

I wish my kids came with a handbook. Hard-cover, preferably. So I have something to hit them with.

My Chinese mate just told me he has trouble telling white people apart.

In fairness I think I'd be the same if I was like him.

In a foreign country. With such strained eyes.

I was on a date with a gorgeous woman. She said, "You're so funny. It feels It's nice to know the little so good to laugh. I haven't kiddies who survive Ebola been able to laugh since my mother died." I said, have something to look "You laughed when your forward to..... Aids. mother died?"

Why is facebook like a My girlfriend pulled an wedding reception? You talk to people you hardly epic April Fool's prank know and have never met, today. First she pretended but there is always one or she didn't want sex. Then she claimed I was raping two who you wouldn't her. Then she pretended mind fucking. to choke on my dick.

I'm starting a charity so Then she pretended that we can all finally help to die. She's at the little girls in the middle crematorium now. I east who suffer through so like her commitment much. "razors for young but, come on love, it's girls moustaches" launch after 12. their first shipment of aid this week.

Feeling sentimental during our anniversary, my wife asked, "Do you remember the first time we had sex?" My reply, 42

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a, 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put in on my bumper.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that LOTS of people love Jesus. While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and when he leaned out of his window and screamed, "for the love of God, GO! GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus. Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach...

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.

My grandson burst out laughing, why even he was enjoying this religious experience. A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Did you know? If your girlfriend watches Eastenders whilst painting her toe nails, she's not really enjoying the sex.

Just saw a couple of those pensioner bonds everyone is talking about. Sean Connery and Roger Moore.

Did you hear about the drummer who was so depressed about his bad timing that he threw himself behind a train.

In an interview, Madonna told Howard Stern that she dated rapper 2Pac before his death. They can call off the search for his killer then, it was clearly suicide.

Following the Marvyn Gaye / Robin Thicke plagiarism case, Rolf Harris has announced that he will also be suing his new cell-mate Fred Talbot for covering two little boys without permission.

I learned Chinese cookery in Cairo.

That's why I wok like an Egyptian.

43

Brusthom Ziamani has just been convicted of plotting to behead a British soldier. He was raised a Jehovah's Witness, and in mitigation his Counsel said he converted to Islam because he was tired of knocking on doors at 9 in the morning and annoying people.

It's all very well knowing Jihadi John's real name but if he gets back to London, Leicester or Bradford, it might as well be fucking Spartacus!.

Sky News... 'Nigerian Army Kills 300 Boko Haram Fighters'. A spokesman for the army said... "It would have been more but we ran out of fucking spears!

Chelsea FC are looking for the fan that pushed a black man of a train in Paris while chanting "We're racist, racist and that's the way we like it". When found he will be offered a four year deal at ÂŁ125,000 a week and will become the new club captain.

If you are thinking of taking your lady to see fifty shades of grey at the pictures as a Valentine's treat make sure you go for the matinee showing. That way the seats will have had a chance to dry out from the previous day.

If your girl asks you to go and watch Fifty Shades of Grey next weekend, is this the opportune time to mumble something about a "headache", roll over and go to sleep?

I for one was delighted to see Eddie Redmayne get an Oscar for his portrayal of Stephen Hawking. It was a delight to see everyone give him a standing ovation. Except Stephen Hawkin who just sat around looking bored.

Miserable Bastard.

Just been on 'Question Time' with Sir Malcolm Rifkind and Jack Straw; it cost me a bloody fortune.

The story of that black guy being pushed off the train in Paris is so stereotypical. He wasn't trying to steal it.

Just heard Madonna fell off the stage at the Brits.. That'll teach the prick for his handball in '86.

So Qatar 2022 is going to be held in November and December. Or for England, November.

Madonna, have you had an accident at work that wasn't your fault?

The ÂŁ97,000 custom made pearl encrusted gown worn by black actress, Lupita Nyong'o to the Oscars has been stolen. Police have confirmed they are not looking for anyone else.

Fair play to Madonna. Almost 60 years old and she still does her own stunts.

Think everyone needs to give that 14 year old girl from Sunderland in this Adam Johnson case a break, that's someone's mum for crying out loud.

BBC News: Premiership footballer arrested for having sex with underage girl. Won't be Rooney then...

Just battered someone and left them black and blue, or was it white and gold?

It was always obvious that Lib Dem MP Cyril Smith was a paedophile. He was so fucking fat that only a small boy could crawl under there to find his penis.

"Gary Glitter looking at 16 years."

There's a first.

44

You can now read “The Jester”. On line. Just go to our web page

www.jester-mag.com to see every issue of “The Jester” and even print out the pages you like. You can also see items that we could not put in “The Jester” due to size or the fact it contains moving images. Enjoy.

45

If you have a Charity and you wish to appear in “The Jester “ (F.O.C.) Please contact the editor on: 664 10 60 10 or e-mail: jestereditor@hotmail.co.uk.

46

You're walking on the beach with your girlfriend Minding your own business… And then here comes a F*CKING trouble maker…

Who comes along and spoils everything!!!

BASTARD!!!

I ASSUME THIS MEANS "NO"!

THOUGHT YOU’D WANT TO KNOW….

I was getting worried...

Finally, Finally!!

It’s here.

47