Issue 55 August
Well hello there my depraved ones. How the hell are you? Bloody typical! As usual I pick a really good time to leave the UK for a couple of weeks. I fly out to South Africa and the UK has a heatwave. But in South Africa it was bloody freezing. (Well in the mornings and the evenings it was). Now I am back in dear old blighty, watch it piss down, for the next 40 days and nights. On my travels, I saw more black people than I have ever seen in my life and that was just at Victoria Station. So the World cup is over and the England did, what the England team always do. Made the rest of us Brits laugh. I just felt sad and mad. Why oh why do they bother turning up. Oh well here’s to the Euros. Come on England! Andy Murray remains Scottish I see. And did what he always does. Made the rest of us Brits laugh. Why oh why. Sorry already done that one. Now the Commonwealth games are here. Who to cheer for that’s the Problem. Do I cheer for the English
against the Scottish, the Irish against the Welsh. I think I have the solution. I am going to cheer for the White guy. He won’t be at the games for long any way. Back to my short stay in South Africa. I must tell you. That whilst I was in there, I never met one black person, that wasn’t polite, friendly and helpful. On the other hand, I met many, many white South Africans, that were rude, ignorant, bitter and unfriendly. The White people of that country could learn a lot from the black people over there. Don’t worry, I have not been converted. We are still going to be telling racist jokes. But, if any of you out there, have any jokes about the yarps (white South Africans), please send them to me. I will take great pleasure putting them in the mag. Until September . Take care. Ed.
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Dear Editor, I'm at that age where the most enjoyable part of sex is the wonderful sleep you get just afterwards. Curly. Los Alcazarez. Dear Editor, Just an FYI, if your wife has just given birth and people ask "send us some pics of your little bundle of joy!!", they are not referring to your genitals. Gareth. Benijuzar. Dear Editor, Has any one else left for work at six in the morning, while the missus is still in bed, got home at six in the evening, to find her sat on the sofa with a cup of tea, and had to listen to her tell the story of her day and why SHE is so tired? Gavin. La Marina. Yep, I have one just like that. Bless her. Ed. Dear Editor, Saw a large bag blowing down the street earlier. I think your wife might have asthma. Clive. Rojales. Yep, I have one just like that. Ed.
penis. "Don't feel too bad baby." She said "Most men do." Slut! Justin. Bigastro. Dear Editor, I'm not sexist. Some of the biggest whores I know are women. Brian. Catral. Dear Editor, The wife and I keep things interesting by bickering in different rooms and positions. Chris. Torrevieja. Dear Editor, Great news guys! After its annual day-off, the DFS sale starts again tomorrow.
Dear Editor, I admitted to my new girlfriend I only had a five and a half inch
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ren: 622 033 582. Please send your letter s, comments, jokes, funny stor ies, pictures and cartoons to: jestereditor@hotmail.co.uk or join us on facebook. 3
Ka-
I predict Iraq will have a unity government before the UK does.
and not an application to get a permanent African slave to do the house work. The US military claims Apparently, the Pope it "never leaves soldiers reckons that condoms behind." That's because 'make things worse' in they never fucking leave. regards to the AIDS I shouted over to my epidemic. The day I neighbour earlier: "Your take sex advice from kid's moustache looks an old virgin, is the same stupid, get it shaved off." day I take parenting advice "Give me one good reason from Kate and Gerry why I should," he replied. McCann. "I'll give you two Abdul" My black friend got I said, "she's seven." turned down for a job Just failed my theory test. as a radio presenter. Apparently female drivers I asked him why they'd aren't a hazard. said no. He said, "Cos My girlfriend told me I they're racist buh-buh-buh should wash my knob bastards." once in a while. I think I got some of that that's bull shit, the ibuprofen cream for maggots don't seem to my bad back. My back mind. is still killing me but my Turns out Race For Life fingers feel fucking is a fund raiser for Cancer fantastic. 4
"Health group calls for sugar tax to cut child obesity." Because exercise is just too damn hard. I just saw that Gabby Logan will be hosting a show called "World's greatest female footballer", hopefully it will all go well for her and she could go on to host other hit shows such as "World's richest homeless man", and "World's tallest midget". I bought one of those new Harry Redknapp televisions. More fool me. It's already gone on the blink. I've got this t-shirt that can talk to the dead. It's a medium.
The Tooth Fairy. Teaching Children its okay to sell their bodies.
My wife still hasn't got the hang of the offside rule: It's anywhere in the TV room unless she's carrying beer and pizza. What’s worse then waking up with a sore arse and less money you went to bed with? Waking up with a sore arse and more money. What would the UK be called without Scotland? How about Greater Britain? People who wear sunglasses indoors should fuck off and die. The only exception to this is blind people, who have a medical reason for doing it. They can't see what a massive prick it makes you look like. In a recent interview, 70-year-old Mick Jagger revealed his secret to looking so young. Yeah, Mick, we already know. It's by standing next to Keith Richards. For those remaining Americans that still don't grip the mechanics of sarcasm: Your wars are always justified and the safety of your schools is second to none, oh and thanks for AIDS
magazine, women talk almost three times as much as men. This is because the first two times we're not fucking listening. At least after the 2022 World Cup, Qatar will have some cracking stadiums to stone women in. I'm never very long, having sex with the wife. Or hard, for that matter. Since I was 17 I've preferred making love to older women. I'm finding
According to the new study in New Scientist 5
it more and more difficult since I turned 90. The only thing left from my childhood that hasn't turned out to be a paedo is Edd the Duck but even he got fisted in a broom cupboard at the BBC. Did you know that every two in one people are schizophrenic? **FOR SALE** DVD compilation of footballers with the ball at the corner flag, near the end of a match. No time wasters, please.
I can't think of anything else to say, so fuck off. If I had a penny for every time I've hit my wife, I could buy a bat, and hit the bitch even harder. My mate has just won a lifetimes supply of pastry. I just phoned him, he says he's rolling in it. A Labour MP has claimed that one in five UKIP supporters has trouble carrying out basic online tasks. I reckon one in five UKIP supporters would have trouble tying their fucking shoelaces. I looked at the girl sat opposite me, "Well," she said. "I like to go out to eat, I love going to the cinema and taking my two dogs for long walks at the weekend. What about you?" I stared at her for a few moments. "This is your first time as a prison visitor isn't it?" Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. "I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown." I don't think my friends understand that when they send me text messages and I reply with the words "Lol." It doesn't mean you're funny, It's because 6
My wife asked if I was coming to my daughter's ballet recital. I was, but I pulled my pants up and just said I was scratching. I think sports firm Nike have made a big mistake, supporting the anti-rape charity W.A.R. (women against rape). If rape wasn't so common, they wouldn't sell so many fucking running shoes. I read a story in the newspaper the other day about a father who paid his daughter for sex. I was absolutely disgusted. What kind of daughter charges her own father?
A lot of people were surprised to see the gangster on trial for beating me up, appear in the dock wearing stockings, suspenders and garish make up. Maybe he won't start on me again now he realises I'm a courtroom artist for the local paper.
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My mate said, "Imagine Scarlett Johansson sucking your cock, squeezing your balls with one hand and sticking a couple of fingers up your arse with the other hand. How long do you think you could last?" I said, "Pass me some tissues, would you please mate." My brother's wife has been in a coma for 3 months now and it didn't look good. I decided it was finally time to confess to him that I'd been having sex with her while he was at work. "What! How long has it been going on!?" he yelled. "Not long" I replied. "It only started last week.
of match fixing - well that's great, but I am sure the Prime Minister has better things to be getting on with. Engineers at CERN in Geneva have begun cooling the Large Hadron Colider down to it's normal operating temperature of -271.3C, which is colder than deep space... but still half a degree warmer than my wife’s arse when I get into bed after a night at the pub.
Cameroon to investigate allegations
The new World Trade Centre is exactly 1776ft high, signifying the year that the Americans gained independence from the English. Imagine how big the mosque is going to be when Iraq receive independence. I write my mistresses' phone numbers on the rear view mirror. I know my wife would never think to look there. Whoever said "white men can't jump" has never had a black man tap him on the shoulder while reading “the jester”. 7
This woman said to me "Whites and Coloureds shouldn't mix" "Bloody right" I said. "It's that kind of ethnic interbreeding that's ruining our country and causing social collapse in our society" "I don't know about that" she said "I'm just trying to help you with your laundry".
World War 2. But it actually has the shop serial number on it. I donated one of my organs to my next door neighbour. Other people call it rape. I'm playing the African version of Monopoly. So far I've got four mud huts, three cows, a chicken and AIDS.
I'm always taking the piss out of my friend who has Down's, but now and again he'll give me a bit of stick. I congratulate him, and add it to the growing pile of other sticks.
I saved this girl from getting raped last sticky but still spendable! night. My shrink calls it BBC News: Some women 'self-control'. in rural India face rape and My wife is brilliant at I was driving through a possible murder if they go bowling. She just imagines village today and saw a to the toilet at night. They that the pins are traffic sign which read 'Max are literally dying for a shit cones and she never fails Speed 20'. I thought, to fucking miss. "Happy birthday, Max. The Green Party has Have a great day." today released a report The kitchen staff really stating an area the size of helps my wife get the What's the difference Somalia is destroyed daily. cooking done quicker. I between India and a Why is it never Somalia? say staff. Actually it's just sewer. The shits move. a big stick I use to beat I was explaining to my My son was sent home wife how sometimes I feel her with. from school today for racially abusing a black kid really high and then really I am so single that GF low. She said, “Don’t be means grandfather to me. by calling him Sambo. such a prick and get off I was totally disgusted. Britain: the fucking swing." Who the fuck uses the The only nation that runs word Sambo these days? I purchased what I more efficiently through a thought to be an authentic world war than through a I have just come in to Jew skin lamp shade from snow storm. some money it's a bit 8
bollocking me, I could barely look her in the teeth.
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After signing up to O2, I was advised by their marketing department to be "more dog". I have the scratching down to a T, can fetch sticks with no problem, shit in the garden without issue but licking my balls is a bit of a stretch.
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Starbucks have announced their intention to expand the coffee shop business into a grocery business. Cool. I can't wait to buy a fucking seven quid tomato. What's the difference between the UK and Pakistan? One is an Islamic republic where women are veiled and it is completely forbidden to criticize Islam. The other one is west of India.
If the Scottish fail to gain independence, maybe the UK should show its unity by creating a new country, to replace England and Scotland. As a symbol of collaboration between these nations, this new country should combine the first three letters of England and the last four letters of Scotland. Torpedo. An underwater missile or a Norwegian kids nightmare.
Being a successful Kebab shop owner for the past 10 years has made me what I am today. Teetotal and vegetarian. Two young Indian women have designed the world's first 'anti-rape' jeans, which send a distress signal to the local police station when a button is pressed. Great idea, but with just one minor flaw; the police in India are more likely to show up and join in. The UK Government has promised Scotland further devolution if they say No to independence. If some of the Scots I've met devolved any further, they'd turn back into monkeys. The wife found out I'd been telling my friends she's a proper goofy cow and went absolutely mental at me. She made me feel so small while she was 9
I saw a bunch of Pakis burning an English flag in town yesterday, but as I got closer it was just a bunch of England fans back from Brazil.
Fair Play Award.
Innovations to help referees at the 2014 World Cup include the first use of goal-line camera technology, vanishing white foam and when Uruguay play, dusting the ball for finger prints and checking dental records.
Argentina have put in an appeal to FIFA stating that on the grounds the trophy was in Brazil and Argentina was therefore closer to it than Germany then it should rightfully be theirs.
I just saw a pensioner do a tribute to the England team. She got off the bus looking a bit confused, then got back on and went home. Following their dismal showing in the World Cup, the England players have once again reiterated the need for an annual break where they can recuperate for a couple of weeks by doing absolutely nothing. How about a World Cup every year? The American team where attacking the Portuguese goalmouth the other night like it had oil in it. Barack Obama has told US World Cup hero Tim Howard to shave off his beard to avoid adoring fans mobbing him, when the team arrive home. Nothing to do with the fact he looks like a radical Islamic terrorist then.
Brazil's football is like Miley Cyrus. It used to be beautiful, but now it's just dirty.
Gary Lineker tweeted, 16.7 million of you chose to join us for the WC final on the beeb. For that we're wholeheartedly grateful and somewhat overwhelmed. To be honest, nobody could be bothered listening to that fucking Knob head Adrian Chiles. (It’ wasn’t just me thinking that then. Ed). Being English, and choosing between Germany and Argentina to win the World Cup is like choosing between the McCanns and Rolf Harris to babysit your kids... What's the difference between Brazil and Oscar Pistorious? Oscar Pistorious has a better defence and more shots on target.
Normally, when I'm watching a Brazilian take a beating like that, I have the volume lower. The England would win the World The World Cup match between Celebrity Paedo Cup. Unless the France and Germany will see the the Vatican has a team. French team showing their game plan If you're a Liverpool Fan you are by holding a white flag as they come currently doing one of these three out of the tunnel. things: 1) Defending Gerrard If Lionel Messi deserved the Golden Ball 2) Defending Suarez 3) Shagging your Award.... Then Luis Suarez deserves the sister. 10
To this day, I still don't know the definition of the word "lynch". Whenever I ask someone, they just laugh and leave me hanging.
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Psychologists who have examined Oscar Pistorius say that he is at risk of suicide. Especially if he confuses himself with a burglar.
The head teacher from the school called me today. "I've just caught your son having sex with Sarah Jones," he said, "I am totally disgusted." "Me too," I replied, "Isn't she the fat ginger one?" The police are looking for witnesses to a nearby hit and run last Friday night. I didn't see anything when I went past but it wouldn't surprise me if it was the same prick who threw a tricycle under my car. Did you know you are supposed to pull anal beads out slowly? I didn't... I started the wife up like a fucking chainsaw. 11
A Scottish woman phones a local dentist to enquire about the cost for a tooth Extraction. "85 pounds for an extraction, madam" the dentist replied. "85 quid! Huv ye no' got anythin' cheaper?" "That's the normal charge," said the dentist. "Whit aboot if ye didnae use any anaesthetic?" "That's unusual, but I could do it and would knock 15 pounds off." "Whit aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still without any anaesthetic?" "I can't guarantee their professionalism and it'll be painful. But the price could drop by 20 pounds." "How aboot if ye make it a trainin' session, ave yer student do the extraction with the other students watchin' and learnin'?" "It'll be good for the students", mulled the dentist. "I'll charge you 5 pounds but it will be traumatic." "Och, now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal," said the Scots woman. "Can ye confirm an appointment for my hubby next Tuesday then please?" 12
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I'm on the dole, and don't get up until lunchtime. As I got out of my van in the supermarket car park today some bloke came up to me. "Excuse me, sir." he said, "But you've just parked across two disabled bays." "Have I really?" I asked. "You have indeed," he replied, "What's your disability?" I said, "I'm blind."
Only Andy Murray could have the same facial expression when he loses Wimbledon as when he wins.
My wife just came home from shopping with a new pair of knickers. "Guess how much they cost me" she said, smiling. "I dunno, about 4 pound per meter?" I replied.
What's the difference between and woman and a car? A car won't complain when you let your mate in the back door.
My wife has told me that she wants to play hide the sausage tonight. Well I'm going to go one better and hide the fucking cakes, biscuits, and chocolates as well.
I came home from work early and found my midget son in bed with my wife today. Little Mother Fucker. I got myself a copy of the Quran the other day, just so I could burn it. I'm regretting it now, as I have to buy myself a replacement Kindle.
My Mum used to tell me that having one testicle does not make someone a freak. I still say it's creepy, and she should have had it removed.
I wanted to make a rectangular coffee table today but I ended up making a circular one in half the time. I cut a few corners.
My wife was looking at an evening dress and asked me what I thought, "It's lovely, "I said, "do they have it in your shape?"
I came home today to find a naked man hiding under my wife's and my bed. So I took my clothes off and hid under the stairs. I love games. I don't want to brag but unlike most men I need both hands for a wank. One for the magnifying glass and one for the tweezers . I tell all the girls I chat to that I last ages in bed. It sounds better than telling them 14
Called a plumber out the other day. He was Chinese. Called a builder, he was also Chinese. Called an electrician out. He was Chinese as well ! Bloody Yellow Pages. My mate asked me, "Would you shag your own nan for £500?" "I'm not sure, to be honest," I replied. "That's a tough one." "What about for £5,000?" he asked. I said, "Definitely not." "That doesn't make sense?" he said. "Yes it does," I replied, "I haven't got £5,000." A girl at work was disgusted when she saw a cum stain on my work trousers. I apologised and explained I had eaten spaghetti carbonara on my lunch break. For some reason, pasta really turns me on. I'm considering a new business venture, it's basically a prostitution service where the hookers arrive in limousines or supercars. I'm going to call it the "car fan whorehouse".
"You've got to help me doctor, it's my foot." I pleaded, bursting into the surgery. "It's riddled with leprosy." "Calm down, man." He said, "What on earth makes you think you've got leprosy in your foot?" "It's still on the bus."
So, I carried out the well imagined experiment of strapping buttered toast After growing a full beard over the past onto a cat. I dropped the cat from a couple of months, I went to my local considerable height to see what would barbers so he could give me something happen. I obtained unexpected results! that would make me stand out. Looking I am now banned from owning a cat. through his list of styles I saw one called I ought to start doing more with my THE ROLF HARRIS and picked it. weekends than just sit at home drinking Nodding, he locked the door, pulled beer, jacking off to porno mags and the blinds and brought out a 12 year playing minesweeper. I do enough of old girl from out back. those things at work. So feminists are looking for equality. Coca-Cola can be pretty insensitive at Great. Join us men by taking your tops times. I mean how are black children off at the beach then. going to feel when they pick up a bottle Luis Suarez is nearing a big money move with "Share a Coke with Dad" on it? to Barcelona. Barcelona's chiefs have made Suarez promise never to bite an- A spokesman for Chelsea FC has other player again. Reports suggest Sua- denied rumours that captain John Terry rez is fine with this as long as he can still has been spotted cycling round the centre of Paris today in a yellow jersey. throw bananas at Dani Alves . 15
of restricting herself to 24 guys, she wants to blow away the entire resort. Never call a tiger "tigga". Only tigers can call themselves "tigga".
Google announced last night that they're launching a new security feature to make it harder for governments to spy on us in the future. Then they went back to driving around, taking pictures of the street that you live on. Does anyone know a cure for excessive ear wax? If you do, please give me a shout. Unfortunately, the saying "50 is the new 30" didn't wash with the copper who caught me speeding yesterday. Lots of women don't like you to order for them on the first date, but when you have a voucher for 2 for 1 chicken burgers it just saves time. One way or another I'm going to have to stop quoting Blondie lyrics.
women and not a single sandwich being made. If a Jew cuts an Arab's throat is it Kosher or Halal? I'm not sure what I find more disturbing, my mum being so adamant that my sister's a lesbian, or my dad winking while he says, "She's not, son... I've just bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer , I don't know what he's laced them with but I've been tripping all day ..!
According to a recent survey , Mohammed is now the most popular name in Britain. And according to a different survey , it is the least popular as well. Had a party at my house and everyone got totally wasted. When I woke up in the morning, I found that some dirty bastard had taken a shit in my pot of chili. .....I had to throw half of it away. After all this war and bloodshed in the Middle East, Syria and Ukraine is over what's God going to say when we ask him where he was when all this was happening? "Sorry, just picked up a mayo chicken for 99p"
I once dreamt I was in Vanessa Feltz knickers. Woke up to find I'd knock Muslims refuse to fly myself unconscious on a Malaysia airlines in fear parachute jump. of the plane exploding Iran has successfully sent in mid air for no good a monkey into space ‌ A reason at all... fucking MONKEY! They'll If you're devious and you be letting women drive know it hatch your plans. next ...
A Muslim girl has Ikea is a horrible place. decided to go one So many kitchens, so many better in Magaluf. Instead 16
'Vanessa Feltz abused me when I was younger'. Greggs.
knocked her straight back out again. I got chased by a black guy the other day trying to steal my wallet. Halfway through the terrifying ordeal, I couldn't help but think to myself, "He's giving me a good run for my money." Why do women wear knickers? All manholes must be covered when not in use.
There's no way I'm flying to Malaysia anytime soon. Not after the things I've heard recently. Apparently everyone over there is Asian. Listen everybody! One day I will be the invisible man. I hope I make myself clear. Just booked our summer holiday! Wife will be flying Malaysia Airlines, whilst me and the kids will follow on BA.
I had 2 big surprises today. The first one was How can you tell if that the Thai massage Never leave your kid in a your friend is gay? If you centre at the bottom of Muslim nursery! I only left fucking him in the arse, my road is actually a my 2 year old daughter in reach around and grab his brothel... one for an afternoon and dick. If it's hard then he's I'm not saying my wife's a now I have to pay for a queer as fuck! fat cow.. But the longest fucking wedding. Gerrard is going to diet she's ever been on My girlfriend says I be sorely missed in an was a fifteen minute walk commit to things too England shirt. Particularly to the chippy. quickly. She sounds just by Uruguay. Those Malaysian airlines like my fourth wife. I can't believe they haven't planes must be huge.. I Witnesses to the shot worked out who shot heard the cockpits usually down plane might well be down MH17. I mean it's about half a mile from the horrified, but they appear not rocket scien.. Oh. rest of the plane. to all have nice new summer clothes. Malaysian airways have just published their new mission statement: "Third time lucky". My mother I law came around the other day. So I grabbed a shovel and 17
My mate asked, "If it was between having sex a dog or having sex with a cat, which would you choose?" I promptly said, "A dog." He asked, "Why?" I replied, "Because their dicks are bigger." I received this chain letter guaranteeing a family member would die if I did not forward the letter on Malaysia Air . I have to keep our dog to ten people. Well I only Worse with aeroplanes away from the mailman have the wife, so I burnt it. than the McCanns are amid fears for his safety, I got so tanned this last with children! He's Korean. week that I haven't dared I'm beginning to think my I've just been for a walk drive my BMW for fear of wife doesn't like it doggie along the canal and among getting pulled over by the style. Every time I start the reeds, I found an old police. sniffing around her minge, barge pole that must've So Thor is a woman now she smacks me on the been ten foot long at least. and her special weapon nose with a rolled up Looks like the wife might will be a spanner or a newspaper. get lucky tonight. spirit level or a pair of pliers.. Or whatever in I was at Spurs last week. My wife was about to the tool box she thinks The bloke next to me leave me because she is a hammer. called me a twat. I was caught me wearing her going to punch his lights clothes. "I can change!" I If your anxious and you out. But I couldn't be shouted as she slammed know it.. Clasp your bothered walking round the front door. hands. the pitch. I raped a psychic the other day. She seemed surprised. I just ended a long-term relationship today. I'm not too bothered, it wasn't mine. My blind wife said that my cum tasted weird last night. It must be all that celery my mate eats. 18
Twin sisters in an Irish Nursing Home were turning one hundred years old. The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the two 100 year old twins. One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.. Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa. The deaf sister said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other. "Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman. Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE.." So they wiggled up close to each other. "Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer. Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS! " With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH LARD JESUS! BOTH OF US????"
Paddy's fingers Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally Cut
off all 10 of his fingers. He went to the emergency room in Cork 's hospital. The doctor looked at Paddy and said, 'Lets be avin' da fingers and I'll see what oi can do'. Paddy said, 'Oi haven't got da fingers.' 'Whadda ya mean you haven't got da fingers? Lord Tunderin' Jesus, it's 2014! We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put dem back on and made you like new! Why didn't ya bring da fingers?!?' And Paddy said, ' How da fock was I 'spose to pick dem up !!! The battery in my wife's dildo ran out last night so we had to do it the old fashioned way. I've been picking bits of cucumber out my arse all morning. I find that if my kids are crying, by giving them an iPad to play on quietens them down. And then I can get back to kicking their cat to death. 19
on a plane when suddenly the GPS breaks‌ Irishman gets an idea lets put our hand out the door to feel where we are.. ill go first he said...'France he says', 'how do you know that?'..' just touched the Eiffel tower'.. Englishman sticks his hand out and says 'London'...'how do you know that' they replied 'just touched big ben'... Welshman sticks his hand through the door.. 'Liverpool' he says... 'How do you know that?'... My watch is gone!!
Australian TV have aired Oscar Pistorius's re-enactment of the shooting of Reeva Steenkamp. This will be followed by a re-enactment of Rolf Harris touching up Vanessa Feltz, starring Noel Edmonds and Mr Blobby). I urgently need a colonoscopy, but there's a 6-month waiting list on the NHS. As I can't afford to go private, there's only one thing for it. I'm going to grow a beard and take a copy of the Koran through airport security.
People could be at risk from stroking in this heatwave health officials have warned, so to be on the safe side I have been thinking about Vanessa Fletz being fingered by Rolf Harris. There is more chance of them finding the missing Malaysian airline than me cracking one off now... You would have thought that someone would have invented hindsight sooner.
Best of luck to Steven Gerrard, who's retired from not winning the World Cup to concentrate on not winning the Premier League. With a heat-wave forecast doctors are urging Muslims who are observing Ramadan to balance food and fluid intake between fasts and especially to drink enough water. Pfft! What do doctors know eh? Put a few extra layers on and go for a 10-mile jog. Allah is proud of you! Englishman, Irishman and Welshman 20
THE VIBRATOR As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked: 'What In the world are you doing?' The daughter replied: 'Mom, I'm forty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.' The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'Dad I'm forty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.' A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip; placed the groceries on the kitchen table, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered the room and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. The wife asked: 'What the fuck are you doing?' The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my 'son-in-law.'
Who Are Fucking Gullible". In a recent poll conducted in the United Kingdom where the question was "Who is the hottest film star?" England voted Angelina Jolie. Scotland voted Megan Fox. Ireland voted Jessica Alba. And Wales voted Shaun in the Wallace and Gromit films. I was lying by the pool when the wife came down from the hotel. She was wearing her new thong bikini. As she reclined back on sun chair I leaned over and whispered in her ear. 'you need to shave'. 'I know' she said 'I've been thinking of getting one of those Brazilians' 'I meant your fucking moustache' I said.
Nestle has launched a new 'premium' water called "Resource." They reckon it's made specifically for a woman who is a little on the trendy side, with an higher income. "Resource" sounds so much better than "Tap Water For Women 21
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QUARTERMASTER SAIL SCHOONER SEAFARING SEAMEN SHIP SKELETON SPY-GLASS SQUIRE TRELAWNEY THE BLACK SPOT TREASURE WALRUS
Find and circle all of the words and names from the book Treasure Island. The remaining 46 letters spell a secret message. Work it out, then text the Editor on: 664 10 60 10 with the answer and your contact details. The first correct answer will win this months surprise prize. Good Luck. 22
testicular cancer, do you think you can remember that?" "6 months," I cried, "6 months, there's not a bloke alive who doesn't touch them every 6 minutes."
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I was walking along a high cliff one day and saw a little boy, all alone. He was crying. I asked him, "Son, what are you doing up here all alone?" He replied, with tears in his eyes, "My mum's down there at the bottom. She fell!" "That's terrible!" I said. "And your dad?" "He's down there right next to her. He tried to I've just bought a Malaysian airlines save her and he fell, too!" "That's awmodel plane kit.. When I opened the ful!" I said. We shared a quiet moment box and saw all the pieces, I thought "Great, some prick has already done it". there, together, looking out at the sky over that grand The doctor said to me this morning, "I have to encourage you to touch your cliff. nd then, when he asked me why I testicles every 6 months to check for The Department of Health has said that the elderly are at particular risk during a heat wave and have issued guidance on making sure they stay well hydrated and stay out of direct sunlight. Also if the temperature rises any higher they should seriously consider turning the heating down.
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I BLOODY LOVE THIS. THANKS ANDY. I have been wondering about why Whites are racists, and no other race is There are British Africans, British Chinese, British Asian, British Turks, etc, etc, etc. And then there are just British.,. You know what I mean, plain old English people that were born here. You can include the Welsh, the Scottish and the people who live off our shores of Great Britain, on tiny islands Yes, we are all true Brits. The others that live here say the following:: You pass me on the street and sneer in my direction. You call me 'White boy,' 'Cracker,' 'Honkey,' 'Whitey,' 'Caveman'.... White trash......White c--t .... And that's OK.. But when I call you, Nigger, Spade, Towel head, Sand-nigger, Paki, Camel Jockey, Beaner, Gook, or Chink .. You call me a racist. You say that whites commit a lot of violence against you... So why are the ghettos the most dangerous places to live? You have the Muslim Council of Great Britain. You have Black History Month. You have swimming pools for Asian women. You have islamic banks for muslims only. You have year of the dragon day for chinese people. If we had a White Pride Day, you would call us racists. If we had White History Month, we'd be racists. If we had any organization for only whites to 'advance' OUR lives, we'd be racists. A white woman could not be in the Miss Black Britain or Miss Asia, but any colour can be in the Miss UK . If we had a college fund that only gave white students scholarships.. You know we'd be racists. There are over 200 openly proclaimed Muslim only schools
in England . Yet if there were 'White schools only', that would be a racist school !. In the Bradford riots and Toxteth riots, you believed that you were standing-up for your race and rights. If we stood-up for our race and rights, you would call us racists. You are proud to be black, brown, yellow and orange, and you're not afraid to announce it. But when we announce our white pride, you call us racists. We fly our flag, we are racists. If we celebrate St' Georges day we are racists. You can fly your flag and its called diversity. You celebrate your cultures and its called multiculturalism. You rob us, carjack us, and rape our daughters. But, when a white police officer arrests a black gang member or beats up an Asian drug dealer running from the law and posing a threat to society, you call him a racist. I am proud.... But you call me a racist. Why is it that only whites can be racists?? There is nothing improper about this e-mail.. Let's see which of you are proud enough to send it on. I sadly don't think many will. That's why we have LOST most of OUR RIGHTS in this country. We won't stand up for ourselves! BEING PROUD TO BE WHITE! It's not a crime, YET... But getting very close! It is estimated that ONLY 5% of those reaching this will pass it on.
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My wife asked me recently to do something to commemorate our pet dog who got run over and killed last month. So I took a shit on the carpet.
dress party," he replied, "I'm a tortoise." I said, "His party is not until tomorrow night!" He said, "I know, but I'm a tortoise."
They say inside every fat woman is a thin woman trying to get out - just as outside every thin woman is a fat man trying to get in.
How come, during the day, the speakers on my computer are too quiet for me to hear them? But when I sneak down in the middle of the night, go on Porn Hub and set everything to make it nearly silent, the sound of Jenna Haze being fucked in the arse is loud enough to wake the dead?
As my flat mate Paddy headed towards the front door this morning, I said to him, "Where the fuck are you going dressed like that?" "To Dave's fancy
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The Blue Pigeon. The Mayor of London was very worried about a plague of pigeons in the City Centre. He could not remove the pigeons from the city. All of London was full of pigeon poop, the people of London could not walk on the pavements, or drive on the roads. It was costing a fortune to keep the streets and pavements clean. One day a man came to the Town Hall and offered the Mayor a proposition. 'I can rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons without any cost to the city. But, you must promise not to ask me any questions. Or, you can pay me one million pounds to ask one question.' The mayor considered the offer briefly and accepted the free proposition. The next day the man climbed to the top of the Nelson's Column, opened his coat, and released a blue pigeon. The blue pigeon circled in the air and flew up into the bright blue London sky. All the pigeons in London saw the blue pigeon and gathered up in the air behind the bird. The London pigeons followed the blue pigeon as she flew eastwards out of the city. The next day the blue pigeon returned completely alone to the man on top of Nelson's Column. The Mayor was very impressed. He felt the man and the blue pigeon had performed a wonderful miraculous service to rid London of the plague of pigeons. Even though the man with the pigeon had charged nothing, the mayor presented him with a cheque for 1 million pounds and told the man that, indeed, he did have a question to ask and even though they had agreed to no fee and the man had rid the city of pigeons, he decided to
pay the 1 million just to get to ask ONE question. The man accepted the money and told the mayor to ask his ONE question. The mayor asked: 'Do you have a blue Muslim do you??
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birthday, sexy." She purred, stroking down my chest. "If I come back to yours tonight, could you put a smile on my face?." "Probably not." I told her, "There's no cake left." Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub watching the Tour de France on TV. Seamus shook his head and asked, "Whoi t'e hell do they do that?" "Do what?" asked Mick. "Go on them boikes for moiles and moiles, up and down t'e hills, round t'e bends. Day after day, week after week. No matter if it's oicy, rainin?, snowin?, hailin? .. .. .. why would they torture themselves like that?" "Tis all for the prestige and the money," replied Mick, "You know the winner gets about a half a million Euros? "Yeah, I understand that." said Seamus, "But why do all the others do it?" My wife is a lot uglier than she used to be and it's ruined sex for me, so I decided there was only one thing for it. I came home the next night with a paper bag. My wife looked angrily at me and said "Do you actually expect me to wear that?" "No it's not what you think" I replied, as I pulled a magazine out of the bag and started wanking.
A man arrives home from work and finds his wife stressed because the kids had been running wild all day. She asks if he would take them out for a pizza. He told the kids to go into the garage. He followed them. A few moments later the wife hears two loud bangs. The guy comes back into the house and asks "So where's my pizza?"
I almost caught someone screwing my missus last night, but he dived out the window as I burst into the bedroom. After slapping my wife around a bit, I chased after him. "He went that way," said my mate, pointing to next door's garden. "Cheers, mate," I replied, scaling the fence. "And get some fucking clothes on, you'll catch your death."
My neighbor’s daughter has a really bad stutter. By the time she manages to say stop, I've finished.
A fat bird started chatting me up in the club last night and I mentioned I'd just had my birthday this week. "Well happy
I have an evil master plan; I'm going to drill a huge hole through the Moon and thread a massive piece of string through it. Then I will finally be able to conker the World. Vladimir Putin, revealed he has a personal army of children trained for combat. Well, he can fuck right off.. Cause we've got the BBC. 28
Louis Suarez, has just secured a lucrative ad campaign, he's replacing Daniel Sturridge in the Subway campaigns biting into a hearty Italian. In other news, Liverpool Football Club are said to be putting in a bid for Mike Tyson. Luis Suarez has now bitten three players. I suppose that's classed as a bat-trick. Suarez can't wait to play in Europe next season he has taste for Italy now. To any Twilight fans out there looking for more vampire action I recommend watching the World Cup. It's the only other place to watch an ugly twat sinking his teeth into someone. "Does your dog bite?" "No" "Aww hiya fella, FUCK, You little bastard. I thought you said your dog doesn't bite" "He doesn't. That’s Louis Suarez". FIFA have had a hearing about Suarez bite incident and they have awarded it to Qatar.
Luis Suarez; Still in the Pedigree Chum. queue for teeth while God Adam Lallana on his was handing out brains. move to Liverpool. "It's a I feel so sorry for Suarez. dream move for me. It just All he wants to do is bite seemed the most logical way to avoid getting bitten people and be racist, but the English media give him next season". a hard time.
Luis Suarez is said to be worth over £100m. I've just bought Luis Well that's the estimate Suarez's new book on how to play great football. from the tooth fairy. I'm really enjoying it So, Luis Suarez has been because you don't have to banned from all football learn much all at once. related activities for 4 It's in bite sized chunks. months. The poor thing is Luis Suarez has been going to starve to death. banned for 4 months from playing any type football Luis Suarez is nearing related activity. Spurs are a big money move to the favourites to sign him. Barcelona. Barcelona's It is rumored that Luis chiefs have made Suarez Suárez is set to join the promise never to bite German side. Borussia Munchonyourcentreback. another player again. Reports suggest Suarez is Luis Suarez may have l fine with this as long as he ost 888poker.com as a can still throw bananas at sponsor but he's lined Dani Alves . up to sign a deal with
Luis Suarez has been offered a part in the new Star Wars movie.. They want him to play Chewbacka. 29
“The Jester” Top Tips. Manchester United fans. Save money on expensive new kits by simply strapping a large fake penis to your forehead. It is now clear to all as to your allegiance. Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the fucking thing in the first place, you fat bastards. Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each new pack up a fat friend's arse, filter first, then replacing it in the box. The possibility of putting that one in your mouth will put you off smoking any of them. Bearded men can obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic explorer by simply applying Tippex to their beards, painting their noses blue and cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to impress the girls. If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed. Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away. Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident. Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath. Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding
two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in. Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in a sandpit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the fence. Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon. Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate. - Mr. KVL 741Y. Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view. Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place. An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator. Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower. Sweetcorn fans. Save money on loo paper by simply pouring the stuff straight down the bog. Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply pissing in the sink. Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one. And Finally, the top, top tip from “The Jester”. Buy at least one copy of “The Jester” magazine every month. This will stop male impotence and the severe dryness of the vagina in woman. It’s true, I promise. Ed. 30
I followed a black guy into the toilets last night and stood next to him at the urinal. "It's true what they say about you lot then" I said. He waved his cock at me and laughed "You mean this, white boy?" "No" I snarled "Give me my phone back you thieving bastard." "Thank God that's finished and no more for another 4 years" Said my Wife. As I took my dick out of her mouth.. Peaches Geldolf is waiting at the Pearly gates of Heaven waiting to get in. Peaches asks - What's the delay then St Peter? He replies - Sorry, but you don't have a boarding pass whereas all these hundreds of latecomers do. Wow at last a government scheme I can actually thank. Saw a poster before saying "Dogs die in hot cars " Saved myself near ÂŁ200 for vet to do same job. As I'm flying to Greece today, as well as the bags I think it might be prudent to put tags round my big toes as well I was watching the Commonwealth opening ceremony with my wife last night. Susan Boyle, Rod Stewart etc etc. Then when the athletes started walking into the stadium, I changed channel. My wife said, "Why have you turned over?" I replied, "If I wanted to see gangs of immigrants walking about, I'd
go to the fucking airport." I missed the end of Opening Cermony of the Commonwealth Games. Did it finish with a bang? Maybe an exploding plane or descending flaming helicopter? Less than 100 years ago black people were traded like commodities, women were treated like second class citizens and the disabled were caged in asylums. Where did it all go wrong? I was watching the opening ceremony to the Commonwealth games with my wife last night. As the athletes walked into the stadium, she said, "I haven't even heard of half of these countries, can't believe they're part of the Commonwealth, and nearly all of them are black! Look at those dirty black fuckers, where are they from?" "That's us." I replied. The Malaysian athletes at the Commonwealth Games are looking very nervous. Must be thinking about the flight home already.
LIVERPOOL FANS WARNING!!I If you leave a child in your car during this hot weather please ensure a window is open so they can at least have a fag.
It is unfair to call Americans cunts. They lack the warmth and depth.. 31
Do you know this woman? If so
BEWARE!!! She is deceitful, untrustworthy, a liar and a thief. I can say this without any fear of slander or deformation, being brought against me. Because the truth can not be contested. (My lawyers words). And I can prove every word stated. I thought I was pretty savvy. But she managed to con me. I placed a large amount of trust in this woman and in a matter of weeks, she took my business ideas and used them for her own ends. If that was not deceitful enough. She was asked to hold money for me and has kept it. Although the amount is not large (between £150.00 -£200.00 yes pounds not euros), it is the principle. She lied to me on so many occasions about what she had done during the working day. Stating that she had called to this business and that business and how much it cost in fuel (which I paid for). When actually she was sitting at home on the phone. She will take on a project and then drop it like a hot piece of coal, if something else comes along that she feels she can make easy money from.. She lives as an illegal alien in Spain, pays no taxes and declares nothing of her money and business interests in the UK. (which my lawyer will be letting the Printer authorities in Spain know about in due course). She preysCartridges, on new businesses. Cartridge & her In some cases as a rep for another company and others as anRefills agent for Stationery Store daughter. Who does Karaoke in bars. Tel: 715 625you not to give So people out there. Be very careful, if you meet her.965 I implore forwardfirst1@gmail.com her cash. If you order anything or have any dealings with her. Calle Jóse Hurtado Romero I WILL ALSO TAKE THIS OPPORTUNITY N° TO15STATE. THE PERSON - 03181THAT - Torrevieja. PICTURED ABOVE HAS NO CONECTION TO THE JESTER MAGAZINE OR QUALITY CARE PROMOTIONS/TOTAL CARE PROMOTIONS. AND WILL NOT BE HELD RESPONSIBLE SHOULD YOU DEAL WITH HER.
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A police officer walked up to me in the middle of a busy playground, and asked, "Can I help you with something?" I replied, "No thanks, I'm just browsing." My mate said, "I shit a brick this morning." "Ha ha," I said, "don't tell me, you've been eating clay." "No," he replied, "I've got a fetish for sticking Lego up my arse." A man walks into a bar with a crocodile and says "I'm going to put my penis and testicles into this crocodile's mouth and after 30 seconds I'll take them out and you can all buy me a drink for watching it." So the guy puts his privates in the crocodile's mouth for 30 seconds, then he picks up a nearby whisky bottle, pours whisky on the crocodile and lights it. The croc opens its mouth to scream and he takes his genitals out, and gives a bow then stuffs them away. As he enjoys his drinks he says "I'll buy anyone here 10 drinks if they do it." The bar goes quiet. A few seconds later a little old lady says "I'll try but you must
promise not to set me on fire." When David Beckham scored I drank BECKS. When Paul Scholes scored I drank SKOL. When Tommy Miller scored I drank Millers. Thank GOD David Seaman was a goalie! The missile that downed Malaysian Airlines flight MH17 was fired from the town of Torez in the Ukraine.... That's shocking....something shot from Torez actually hitting its target! Anyone else find it funny that a group calling itself "Unite Against Fascism" wants to ban the BNP because they don't agree with their views? My girlfriend is sick of my obsession with 80's music and has threatened to leave me. I said "Oh come on Eileen". I’ve just seen a RSPCA poster saying "dogs die in hot cars". Apparently they don't fair much better in hot Korean curries either... This morning, a woman with massive tits and a really fuckable arse reminded me I'd left my sunglasses in the cafe I
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day their forefathers won their freedom from an oppressive Catholic dictatorship. Well, my Granddad once kicked fuck out of the school bully in the 1930s, but I don't feel the need to go for a walk every year to celebrate it. Some people don't know the meaning of hygiene. There I was with my friend, in the cemetery, digging up a corpse to fuck it up its arse. After we managed to dig it up and have our way with it, my friend says: "What if the police come, take sperm samples and find out it was us? Let's destroy the evidence." So he sticks a straw up the arse and starts sucking. At some point he looks up to me and says: "I've had enough! You have a go." Disgusted, I said: "Fuck off! Not with the same straw!"
Does anyone know how to get a cum stain off a mattress? Only Ikea are threatening to make me buy it.
Skippy the Bush kangaroo finally broke What gets bigger every time I see my her silence today‌ She said not only did wife? My wife. that bastard Rolf Harris tie her down but he wrote a fucking song about it. The Church of England has called for an inquiry into assisted dying. Because anything that speeds up the process of being in heaven, obviously needs to be scrutinised. According to reports, Saudi Arabia is considering dropping public beheadings because of a shortage of government swordsmen. Thank fuck for that. You wouldn't want amateurs cutting people's heads off, because that would be barbaric. Westminster says that 114 dossiers on child abuse by MPs have been 'lost'. At least they can honestly say there are no paedo files in Parliament, then. The Orange Order claim their annual march is important to commemorate the 34
You have to know it, or they don't let you be a daddy." We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. "OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the mummy." "Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my face. Vannesa Feltz has stated today that she can still almost feel Rolf's hand on her leg as it crept up her calf, under her breast and onto her thigh. So, earlier today, I was watching one of my family's cats hitting a cord hanging from our blinds for about 10 minutes or so, and I started thinking 'jesus, the fucking stupid animal is so damn easily amused'. And then I realised that I'd been staring at a cat playing with a string for ten minutes.
Two gays are having sex in an alleyway when they see a policeman walking towards them, they both panic and run like hell, trying to find somewhere to hide. The policeman sprints after them and manages to catch one, whom he beats to shit. When he is satisfied, the I have the attention of a goldfish. It's policeman stops pummelling the queer been watching me for several minutes and pins him against the wall and shouts: now. "Where's your fucking boyfriend?! If I find him I'm gonna shove this truncheon right up his arse!" A voice from the darkness whispers: "I'm in the bin!" I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that. "Why?" my daughter asked. "Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs" I replied. At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Daddy, how do you know all this stuff, you are so smart." I was thinking quickly. "All dads know this stuff. It's on the Daddy Test. 35
we guys look down from above we can see all the cleavages. The author of Fight Club has announced he's writing a sequel. Unfortunately, he's not talking about it. I've never bothered with a TV licence. My television works just as well without one. Getting married after a 3 and penis size", says month whirlwind romance surprisingly small handed isn't really something to scientists. sing about. Luckily for BREAKING NEWS Cheryl Cole she can't, Malaysian Airlines so no harm done. announce good news. The current missing plane I've been driving around has nothing to do with in my car looking for a them what so ever. child to attract with sweets, but I just can't We at least know the find one. I'm getting bored Algerian airliner wasn't of playing Grand Theft shot down. Arrows don't Auto anyway. reach that high. "There is no correlation The best thing about the whatsoever between hand glass ceiling is that when
Nice to see Scotland have spent at least £900 on the Commonwealth Games opening ceremony. I don't approve of sex before marriage. It often delays the ceremony. Have you heard about that new film about the tractor? I’ve just seen the trailer. They say you should never meet your heroes. Which is why I always refuse to help when I see people in trouble. I love my wife, she always gives me 100% sound advice. 99% sound, 1% advice.
My wife's a bit like Pinocchio. Every time she tells me lies, her nose swells up. I've already built a commanding lead in the race to invent something new for dog owners. 36
Did you hear what that sexy lady did to the horny self harming guys? She beat them off with a stick.
A friend of mine is a Catholic priest. He spends a lot of time at the altar, preying.
Poker is a game where you exchange your chips for cash. In seaside towns its the opposite!
My wife said she can't wait for the Commonwealth to be finished. She must be really desperate to dust the TV.
How do you make your wife scream when you're having sex? Call her and tell her about it! One of my legs is a lot longer than the other. I’m always thinking what's the best treatment but I just keep going round in circles. Why do so many British housewives love the Liverpool team? Because, they stay on top for ages and then come second.
Five people have been found guilty of conspiracy to supply millions of pounds worth of counterfeit Viagra. The judge described them as hardened criminals.
It's a nightmare asking my cheerleader girlfriend for oral sex. "Give us a B. Give us an L. Give us an O...."
It really highlights the age difference in a relationship, when you realise you need a cock ring to maintain erections and she makes Olympic pool sports If the zombie apocalypse you one out of her Loom are to be kept at oppoever happens, I'm just Band. site ends now, after Tom There's that many crying going to surround my house with outward facing Daley accidently dived children on T.V during treadmills. I should be fine. into Ian Thorpe. Brazil matches I don't know if I'm watching a football match or a party at Gary Glitters house. Ian Thorpe and Tom Daley are celebrating their gayness by teaming up in the synchronised rimming. The biggest danger about living in Bradford is that every time I shut my window I break some fucker's fingers. 37
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I only need to get locked up for a few months I can meet all my heroes from the 70s.
lowered her into the hole. I wonder if Jehovah's Witnesses walk into B&Q, look at the doors and think, "I'd tap that."
My doctor said I don't eat enough vegetables, so I've started dating a spastic girl who loves oral sex.
Most of my relatives are police marksmen, apart from my grand dad who was a bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by his family.
Erm, so you are asking me not to tell lies...by swearing upon the Bible?
Celebrity and wealth We're really getting might not stop you into the swing of this going to prison but it Tour de France thing gets you an easier time now, for le grande dewhen you're there. Just part, up here in Yorkshire. So much so you watch, Oscar Pistorius will be back that we've re-named some of the towns on his feet in no time. en route with their french translation. Ghetto blasters. Harrogate has become "Harroporte", They're an 80s stereotype. Sheffield has become "Sheffdomaine" and Bradford is now "le Petit Pakistan".
My English teacher told me that it's impossible to take two completely different words out of context and use them to create a coherent sentence. Wheel sea. Genetically, Chinese people have fewer apocrine glands in their armpits than black or white people, which means their sweat doesn't smell, so very few of them need to wear deodorant. Take note Pakis, that's CHINESE people, not you.
My wife said she wanted me to give her mother a "Proper send off", at her funeral today. So I got the vicar to blow a whistle and hold up a red card, as 39
I think the police should be investigating why Rolf Harris wanted to tie that kangaroo down.
wind up behind bars.
I remember all those times when I was a child, watching Rolf Harris on TV, drawing cartoon characters and telling jokes. If I'd known then that he was a sick pervert who liked fiddling with underage kids‌ I'd have let him know I was well up for it.
After the trial started with a rendition of Jake the Peg, the judge today ended it with a rousing chorus of "Send the Pae dophile down, sport. Send the paedophile down." And as a recently convicted Australian paedophile tucks into his first bowl of prison porridge. Can you tell that it's jizz yet?
I always knew that sick bastard Harris was guilty of abuse, yet no one listened to me. All those years of fisting a duck and people have only just started to realise?
Time to revoke Australia's commonwealth status. We're supposed to send them our convicts not the other way round.
Rolf Harris was Australia's Under-18 backstroke champion in the 1940s. By the 1970s he had moved on to the Under-14 breaststroke.
for staying awake for 11 days. Rolf Harris will break it easily as soon as he's in prison.
Rolf Harris was seen coming out of Rolf Harris found guilty of sexual assault KFC with a young girl beside him. on children. He hasn't been sentenced A passerby overheard Harris mutter yet but Rolf's lawyer said he would be "well that was finger lickin' good" happy with anything under 14 years. Breaking news the BBC have One of Rolf Harris' victims spat in his announced that this weeks Animal face yesterday as he left court. Makes Hospital, in which Rolf explains how a change I guess. to handle a young beaver, has been What do you get if cross Max Clifford cancelled. with Rolf Harris? about 16 years... David Blaine holds the world record
The latest household name to be convicted under Operation Yewtree will probably get a token 2 or 3 year prison sentence. Is this what has become of justice in this country? In the good old days they'd have stuck him on the next boat to Australia. One way or another, all the Australians who come to work in the UK seem to 40
I'm guessing the judge at Rolf Harris's sentencing has a sense of humour then? 69 months. Rolf Harris jailed for 5 years and 9 months. That's a shame. Most of the girls he's had his eye on recently will be too old when he's back in the game. These bloody Australians will do ANYTHING to stay in this country.
Rolf's wife did not attend court for his sentencing today. Mainly because his jail term would be over before she got back to the fucking car.
Exclusive before it got leaked. Every time you went down on your daughter's friend, you were also tasting me. See you next week mate. Max Clifford. It's reported Rolf Harris almost Vanessa Feltz jumping on the molested a young Muslim girl. bandwagon and breaking it. "I'll never forget that disgusting It’s been revealed that Vanessa Feltz beard." quoted Rolf. was told by the authorities to keep Rolf Harris and Andy Coulson are quiet until after the trial of Rolf Harris. sharing a prison cell. Andy says to Rolf Officials later admitted genuine concerns 'You make me sick, fondling little girls'. that the news would have made the Rolf retaliates 'You're even worse!' entire jury feel sorry for Mr Harris. Andy is shocked - 'Phone hacking is Rolf Harris touched up Vanessa Feltz in nowhere near as sick!' Rolf - Phone 1996. After 18 years. He finally finished hacking?! I was referring to you fucking last week. that ugly ginger bitch, Rebecca Brooks. The judge looked down on Rolf Harris Vanessa Feltz has accused Rolf Harris and said "What you did was inexcusable, of touching her up. In fairness, he actually thought he was sedating a how does five years and nine months hippo on Animal Hospital, sound to you?" "Fantastic" replied Rolf. Vanessa Feltz reckons Rolf Harris "A threesome!" touched her up. Really Vanessa? Rolf Harris, 84, has been jailed for Touched you up? The only way he was nearly 6 years. He's hoping to have this going to do that to the fat ugly cow was reduced to life on appeal. with a few tins of paint and fucking big So Rolf ends up behind bars. Just like brush. the 2 million other Aussies that come over here looking for work. Rolf Harris, Max Clifford and Stuart all have been approached by ITV for the next series of "I'm A Paedophile… Get Me Out Of Here!" Prison officers were surprised to see Rolf Harris settling in so well, doing his Jake the Peg act in the showers… Until Leroy stepped out from behind him. If Rolf had 6 years for the girls he should get at least 10 for the '2 Little Boys'! Dear Rolf, I'm sweating like Rolf Harris Just wanted to give you a World 41
followed the next day by a model car. This morning there was a Barbie. I think some fuckers toying with me.
I was at my friend's wedding, when my girlfriend turned to me, and said, "So then, when are you going to get down on one knee?" I replied, My Wife said she "As soon as you get down wanted Chanel No. on two." 5 for her Birthday. I'm thinking of sending She's going to be my wife out to Malaysia made up, all I had to help find missing flight to do was re-tune MH370. She has an the freeview box. extraordinary ability to "Can I smell your bring stuff up that every other twat forgot about fanny" I asked the months ago. wife. "No you fucking can't" she Apparently one in five in screamed back. the world is Muslim and "Oh, it must be there's five people in my I regret sleeping with your feet then" I said. family so one of them another woman behind my girlfriend's back. But My wife was reading the must be Muslim. There's me, mum, dad, my sister, what can I do? I'm fucking paper and said, "Tut tut, and my pet pig Abdul. married. that's terrible. Another woman in India has been I was forced to use a I won a three-day gang-raped and hung." wheelchair for eighteen countdown timer at I replied, "Actually it's months after my road the fair today. Well a goldfish, but same fucking 'hanged'. In India, women accident. Then the are hanged. In Thailand, compensation finally thing. women are hung." came through. The lesbian couple next door to me named their son Richard. They must not like him at all. I'm feeling more and more upset about my wife's death. Namely that it hasn't fucking happened yet. The other day I found an Action Man doll on my doorstep. That was 42
to me "If you haven't got anything nice to say, fuck off and be a twat somewhere else." The Ugly Duckling by Hans Christian Andersen. Giving ginger kids false hope since 1844. I just saw a Facebook status it said, "I Keep seeing cutest baby entry photos. How do I enter mine?" Judging from the hostile replies, 'From behind.' wasn't the answer they were looking for.
The defence in the Oscar Pistorius trial have argued that he would never have knowingly killed his girlfriend in fact he had planned to marry her this summer... It was going to be a shotgun wedding
Lindsay Lohan suing the makers of Grand Theft Auto V for basing a character on her. Serena Williams is going to have a field day suing the makers of Dawn of the Planet of the Apes then.
My Great Aunt Gracie died last week. She always used to go on about the lovely American GIs that were stationed over here during the war. We never really understood what a slapper she was until the US Army rang today and said she qualifies for a military funeral with full honours and a Fly pass. All this talk of dangerous, genetically modified food tasting horrible is nonsense. I mean, just today I had a delicious leg of salmon.
I hear singing and there's no one there I smell blossoms and the trees are bare All day long I seem to walk on air. That's right, I'm fucking pissed again. Alexis Sanchez- "I came to Arsenal to win trophies". Yeah and I'm going to Nigeria to go snowboarding.
Apparently everyone can remember their first orgasm. I can definitely remember mine, my step mum nearly choked to death. My greatest fear is that one day I'll be found hanging, and my family and friends will think I was secretly unhappy. I remember what my Nan use to say 43
Football, Rugby Union and now Cricket‌ If someone beats Murray this week at Wimbledon, the UK has shown again this month, that they are very good at inventing a sport and then get beaten by everyone they taught it to. My wife is a big Tennis fan and was telling me how distracting she find the constant grunting noises during the women's matches. I have promised her I will try to stop. Michael Schumacher has spoken out about global warming, in a statement he said "Things are getting pretty bad, just yesterday I was skiing and when I woke up this morning it was summer". Wimbledon started today, so lets all hope Andy Murray can follow in the footsteps of the England football team. By avoiding the net as often as possible. Nigerian atheist 'ruled mentally ill'. Apparently he has no desire to rape 13 year old girls, dress his wife in bin liners, or blow himself up. Fucking weirdo. I hear the BBC planned on giving Jimmy Saville a role in their new crime drama "Wanking the Dead" and their up and coming comedy "Only fools and corpses" An official report into Jimmy Savile's abuse at Leeds NHS hospital hears shocking claims that he had interfered with dead bodies. No doubt he's playing with himself right now. I was in the kitchen just now and I could hear the TV. I seriously thought my dad was watching hardcore 24 inch dildo goat porn.......... Turns out it was just Maria Sharapova playing at Wimbledon.
After Andy Murray was knocked out at Wimbledon, David Cameron has now backed Scottish Independence. Wimbledon. The place where Andy Murray can go from being a British hero to a useless Scottish wanker in one afternoon. Serena Williams exits Wimbledon with a virus. I bet it's man flu. Jedward 'stars' John and Edward were stranded on a sand bank near Dublin, but it was reported very sadly that both were saved Psychologists who have examined Oscar Pistorius say that he is at risk of suicide. Especially if he confuses himself with a burglar. I've just read that Lindsay Lohan is suing the makers of GTA 5 over unauthorised use of her likeness. Apparently they modelled the San Andreas Fault using pictures of her vagina. Apparently Rolf fingered Vanessa Feltz in her blowhole and her cries for help were only audible in sonar. The Home Office admits that 114 files relating to allegations of historical child abuse by leading politicians have been lost. David Cameron making a comment in his back garden in front of a roaring bonfire, said, "We'll use any means at our disposal to track these files down. You have my word." Tour De France - Leeds. I haven't see this many bikes in Leeds since that Essex girls hen party in 2010. Air crash investigation set to release Malaysian airlines boxset 44
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Ok...you sissy MEN...Who wants to go and get a tattoo? Story is that this guy lives in South Wales, Uk . It took six Years of planning and 150 hours of tattooing time.
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