Jester issue 65 by Jester Mag

Issue 65 June

Wotcha Dear reader. The sun is out the sky is blue. But that’s South Africa for you. Yes, I am back in the land I grew up in. I got fed up of waiting for my hospital appointment in the UK and decided to have a break. Until next time, have a great month. All the best. Ed.

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Dear Editor, I can now blame my wife for my lack of hair. It's nothing to do with friction from the headboard, but everything to do with her friends suggesting that she should shave her twat. Neil. Los Alcazerez. Nice hearing from you again Neil. Ed. Dear Editor, If you want 3 square meals a day, plenty of TLC and the touch of a good, honest woman, try this little ditty on your wife next time she asks which of your clothes need washing. "If it's on the chair, one more wear.... If it's on the floor, wash it ya whore...!!" John: Bed 7,Ward H, City General Hospital. Thanks I’ll try and remember that. Ed. Dear Editor, For a few months now I have been laughing at and reading sick jokes in “the jester”. I believed that no target was too low; taboos were there to be broken. I thought that it was great spending my time laughing at victims, be them of rape, murder or abuse. Last night something happened that has completely changed my perspective on

things. My family found out that my father has been abusing and raping my 5 year old sister Katie. My poor mother woke up in the night and caught my Dad in the act in her room. It was the scream of distress from my Mother that brought me running to the scene where I found out the sordid truth. As I am sure you can understand, in light of these events I no longer feel that I will be able to read anymore of these jokes. I just can't see myself having any spare time now I know Katie's been broken in. Neil. Los Alcazerez. Then you go and spoil it all again. Ed.

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The difference between in me for anything but my and out in modern Britain: undying love. Now the You can kick a Muslim in. police are saying I should I don't care if Mary Berry have provided access to has been voted one of the food and water and other such nonsense. sexiest women in the

house the other day, and I thought I walked into his Muslim girlfriend on the way in. Turns out it was just his lamp shade by the front door.

got raped in the showers. Something you don't My wife is Jennifer Lopez's expect as a plumber. double. She's twice her I was talking to a doctor, weight and twice her age. "Hey doc, I've got this

What's black and steals things? A magpie, you racist bastards.

world. If she were lying naked in front of me with her flaps pulled apart, I'd still only want a hand job with her arthritic left hand.

I'm not saying my wife is tight but she won't go into a Poundland shop until they have a sale on. I've been studying the mating rituals of animals recently.... It turns out a cormorant will do anything for a shag. During her wedding vows my wife told me she would never ask

My wife accused me of I've just played the UKIP being a transvestite. So I version of Cluedo. It was packed her things and left. the immigrants, all the time, everywhere. I went to prison and

problem where I have to wank myself to sleep." "That explains it," he said, "Just stop and let the gas kick in sir."

My dad got a selfie stick for his phone. He can now hold it far enough away to read text messages.

Spies! If you want to learn what it's like to undergo interrogation, I got home pissed at 3am prepare yourselves by and found my wife had trying to order a fucking changed the locks. As I footlong at Subway. stumbled away I noticed Why don't you see many the bitch had also changed Jewish men in strip clubs? the street we live on. It's tricky to tuck a 2p coin I went over to my mateâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s in a g-string. 4

I get so upset whenever someone mentions 9/11 as my dad was on one of the planes that crashed... He was on the phone to me at the time and I'll never forget his last words... "Allahu Akbar!" The upcoming American election has already been won by Hillary Clinton. Proud Member of the ExPat Winter Pool League. We all know who comes sick? Fingering your little After the shooting in after a black guy. A chubby sister and finding your Dallas, Wales is increasing white girl. dad's wedding ring up security for next weekâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s I got sick and tired of my there! ramalamb festival. dad always saying, "People As a parent of a boy with John Terry has sent a who live in glass houses Downs Syndrome, I am message of condolence shouldn't throw stones." sickened by all these jokes to Rio Ferdinand after So when I next saw him in about the condition. So is the death of his wife. "We the greenhouse I silently he. In fact I told him one only did it a few times but lit a fire and locked the of the jokes yesterday. it was very special and I'm door. Talk about being a You should have seen really going to miss her." fucking hypocrite. the look on his face. My wife kissed me when I Anyone who says onions Lately, I have been feeling told her I couldn't possibly are the only veg that make homesick and I think my love her any more. She's you cry has never been hit wife is the cause. Every definitely a "cup half full" in the face with a turnip! time I come back home person. What's the definition of I feel nauseated. I wish my wife sucked my dick the way she sucks the joy out of everything else. I'm very familiar with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know why. I hate it when people say "Oh, I'm a vegetarian except for fish". Yeah? And I'm a non-smoker except for cigarettes. I'll be fucked if this rape alarm doesn't work. 5

Christmas card from my mum. She's been dead five years. Have YOU had to walk 500 miles? Were you advised to walk 500 more? You could be entitled to compensation. Call the Pro Claimers NOW. What if there was a Braille sign that said don't touch? Proud Member of the ExPat Winter Pool League. I was in the chemist today

I came home from work early today and caught my Wife masturbating with a cucumber. "That's disgusting" I said, "I'm meant to be eating that tonight, now it's going to taste like salad." What does an illegal immigrant have in common with sperm? Millions of the fuckers go flooding in and only one bastard works! Saw the new 'Vanish Gold' advert last night, where a black woman says at the end, "No chocolate stains in sight." I thought, "Not from where I'm sitting." I was sat at a red light in my car when this black guy pulled up next to me and started revving his engine. "Race?" he shouted. "White, now fuck off you black prick" I replied. After my prostate exam, I said to the doctor, "Wow, that was way more painful than I expected." "Sorry," "Old habits die hard." "What do you mean?" "I used to be a ventriloquist." he replied.

and asked the cashier for one hundred condoms. Two girls behind me started laughing so I turned around, looked them both in the eye and said, "Make it one hundred and two." My wife's scouse friend is staying with us at the moment. She said, "I'm really freaked out by all those blokes hanging round the children's playground." I said, "We have a name for people like that round these parts: FATHERS." I've seen the â&#x20AC;&#x153;donate to Nepalâ&#x20AC;? charity organization on my Facebook and it's constantly popping up so I thought I'd donate. It turns out they have enough kids in Nepal. On a second honeymoon in the Pacific Islands, I found out that the bigger a man's wife is the higher his status in their community. I only know because I asked why they kept referring to me as 'Mighty King from across water'. I was reading that scientists have discovered that the Tyrannosaurus Rex had a 'cousin' that was vegetarian. It must have been a bloody nightmare to have a vegetarian in the family when your arms are too short to cover your ears.

"Roman Abramovich 'very happy' with Chelsea" - Chelsea said she was happy too, until her mother Hillary found out. I don't want to criticise the postal service but I've only just received a 6

hasn't said shit for the last 2 hours! For the thick readers. This joke was sent to us on May 1st. Ed. We never played violent video games when I was growing up. Just family friendly board games with questions like, "Who murdered this guy with a lead pipe?" Most of the men and women at the gym are working towards the same goal: The perfect female body. If America's next President after Barack Obama is white, they will have "gone black" and successfully gone back.

"I know we've been married 40 years now, but tonight I'd like you to pretend to be a 13 year old schoolgirl." "Ewww you're disgusting, get the fuck away from me you filthy pervert!" "That's the spirit, love." I said. It recently became apparent to me that the letters "T and G" are far too close together on a keyboard. This is why I'll never be ending a works e-mail with the phrase "Regards" ever again. My girlfriend started having a go at me earlier for sitting on the computer too much. "Just buy a fucking chair!" she told me. Ben E king has died, and will always be remembered. As the first black man in America this year not to die at the hands of the Police. Been on Ebay this week and acquired a Marine VHF radio. Turned it on this morning and some frantic twat has been shouting "May Day, May Day" all morning! I replied, "I know you noisy bell end, I've just turned over the new page of my calendar this morning" Seems to have worked as he

I don't think my goldfish wanted his tank cleaning yesterday. He threw a right tantrum on the draining board while I was doing it and now he's just sulking on top of his water. An Australian university has named two scholarships after executed drug smugglers Andrew Chan and Myuran Sukumaran. Whatever next, the Rolf Harris Scholarship for Child Care? Did you hear about the terrorist who hijacked a 747 full of Pakis? He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.

There was a fire in my house last night and I only had time to grab two things. My filled in Nandos card and one of the twins.

They were all terrible at cooking, but luckily they all had an amazing body.

I farted in front of my Jewish boss today, he wasn't impressed. It’s not like a little gas ever killed anyone.

when children catch you checking out their hot moms. However, it's much worse the other way round.

If Muslims hate gays so much then why do they practice shoving their foreheads into a carpet while pushing their arses into the air five times a day?

An Alaskan was on trial in Anchorage. The trial lawyer approached him and asked, "Where were you on the night of October to April?

If women weren't meant to be sluts, Eve wouldn't English is weird. It can be have fucked the first guy understood through tough she met. thorough thought, though. It's always embarrassing

As I walked up to the counter in Asda with a full trolley full of ice cream, the shop assistant said to me. "Wow, is that all for you? Where the hell do you put it all?" "In the freezer," I replied.

I see Dion Dublin is new host of 'Homes Under The Hammer'. It's going to be hard renovating a house when all the power tools are missing.

I was probably thinking the same as most people around the world, when "I'm taking your laptop in I heard the news about for repair, did you remove the second earthquake that clip of me with the in Nepal… Glad I don't cucumber?" "Yes dear, of fucking live there. course I did, but I can't "Are these trousers too remove the internet." tight?" asked my girlfriend. A fool and his money "Are you asking me, or the are soon parted. I should camel that's trying to kick know, I sell pointy shoes his way out of the front of with bells on the end. them?" I said. I once dated a girl with A beggar asked me for multiple personalities. £10 until payday. "When 8

is payday?" I asked. "I don't know," replied the beggar. "You're the one who's working." My girlfriends legs are so sore today from jumping to so many conclusions. What do you call a pissed off Muslim? Amin Amood.

So it’s the Blue lot again. And I don’t mean Chelsea! Don’t know about the rest of you but I voted for the Avengers. Their record of saving the world is second to none. Nigel Farage was asked what he made of the latest exit polls, he replied, that it was a good start but the Romanians needed to join them as well. Ironically if you voted for the Green Party you just wasted a piece of paper. When David Cameron turned up at Buckingham Palace yesterday the Duke of Edinburgh answered the door and said.. "Fuck it's you, I was hoping for the Farage fellow". I am sad that Diane Abbott was re-elected. Was hoping she would reunite with Tom and Jerry to make some more cartoons.

absolutely none the wiser. Can you imagine the pandemonium in the bars and cafe's in Westminster. 56 Scottish MP's trying to use Scottish Pound Notes! Last month, Ed Miliband said he wanted to emulate a famous Jew, Benjamin Disraeli, by becoming Prime Minister of England and spending five years in Downing Street. Now it looks like he and the rest of the Labour Party will be emulating Moses, who spent forty years in the wilderness. I see Russell Brand is scheduled to speak with David Cameron. What an opportunity! I know the first question I'd ask: "Does Katy Perry take it up the arse?"

After Nigel Farage was persuaded to stay on as leader, the Conservatives are trying to do the same with Ed Miliband.

When asked by journalists how he would be celebrating the Tories' surprise majority in the General Election, David Cameron replied "I intend to go out and get absolutely Cleggless".

'David Cameron addresses his Cabinet'. Are you telling me 13 million people voted for a nutter who talks to his Furniture.

"This has been an awful result for us, and we are going to have to rethink our strategy for the next general election" said the Director General of the BBC.

David Cameron has vowed to create a million new jobs during his new term as Prime Minister. Too right. Those food banks won't run themselves, will they?

All the euphoria in Scotland this morning will soon dissipate later this morning when the cold realization sets in. They are still Scottish.

After disappointing performances in the election, Nick Clegg, Ed Miliband and Nigel Farage have all stepped down as party leaders. Next year's edition of I'm A Celebrity is going to be brilliant. "That fucking lying arsehole politician is prime minister" said my wife as I walked in the door from work. Leaving me still

So Ed Miliband is now unemployed A bit like most of his voters. Today is Election Day. Or as I've come to know it - "Who's Slightly Less of a twat than the Other Guys?" Day. There are more pandas in Scotland than Labour MPs. 9

The boss of Thomas Cook has refused to apologise for the deaths of two British children, who died of carbon monoxide poisoning at a Corfu hotel. But as a good will gesture, he has sent the family a voucher for free child place holidays.

Macklin´s Welcome Inn. Via Park 3

Poker

Every Wednesday and Friday

Bingo

"How was last night’s hen party?" I asked my girlfriend. "Terrible," she groaned. "I got so drunk I passed out on the pool table. When I finally came round, some joker had put the triangle round my neck and chalked my nose." "That's not so bad," I chuckled. "No," she sighed. "But guess where I found the pool cue."

Saturday 2pm

Quiz

Tony Blair gave a speech at Oxford University this afternoon, in support of the Labour Party. He ended it the way Blair always ends his speeches, by saying, "Thank you for listening. That'll be £200,000."

Sunday 9pm We now hold a Bookmakers Licence All sports betting legally available here! The 'fight of the century' is how the Mayweather Vs Pacquiao bout was described. Not quite true. The wife's just found out I'm shagging her sister. My wife gazed at the travel magazine. "I'd love a surfboard," she said. "It's something I've never tried." "Here you go," I replied, reaching under the stairs. "This one's got legs on it, you can start with that pile of shirts." This bloke started choking in the queue at McDonald's today. Luckily the manager was quick-thinking, and swiftly opened another till. Spending time in prison is a lot like spending the night in a haunted house. There will always be someone trying to put the willies up you. This airline stewardess is pretty excited that we are all paying attention while she shows us how to fasten a seat belt, but I am pretty sure we are all just thinking about shagging her.

Sainsbury’s online shop sucks, I ordered some dates and they sent me a bloody calendar. Camping this weekend, and the wife's done nothing but complain about how underinflated our air bed is. I've no idea what the fat cow's on about though, my side feels ready to fucking pop.

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I passed a group of Girl Scouts this morning, with a stall that read "Home-Made Lemonade: £15.00, Oral Sex: £5.00". "Here's twenty pounds, girls, but I think you've got your prices mixed up," I chuckled. "Once you've finished going down on me, you'll be gagging for that lemonade," said the fat, sweaty one. A man and a woman meet at bar one day and are getting along really well. They decide to go back to the woman's

house where they engage in passionate love making. The woman suddenly cocks her ear and says, "Quick, my husband just got home. Go hide in the bathroom." So the man runs into the bathroom. Her husband comes up into the bedroom and looks at her. "Why are you naked?" Well, I heard you pull up outside, so I thought I would come up here and get ready for you." "Okay," the man replies, "I'll go get ready." He goes into the bathroom before his wife can stop him and sees a naked man standing there clapping his hands. "Who the hell are you?" the man asks. "I am from the pest extermination company. Your wife called me in to get rid of the moths you are having problems with." The husband exclaims, "But you are naked!" The man then looks down and jumps back in surprise. "Those little bastards!" If a woman is uncomfortable watching you masturbate… Do you think: (a) You need more time together, (b) She's a prude, Or (c) She should sit somewhere else on the bus? 11

neck.' I was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?' Been in the business 60 years.' I tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. I walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?' I thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.' The Second Opinion! salesman said, 'Let's see... Size 36. I The doctor said, 'Mr. Thompson, the laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a good news is I can cure your headaches. size 34 since I was 18 years old.' The The bad news is that it will require salesman shook his head, 'You can't castration. You have a very rare wear a size 34. A size 34 would press condition, which causes your testicles your testicles up against the base of to press on your spine and the pressure your spine and give you one hell of a creates one hell of a headache. The only headache.' way to relieve the pressure is to New suit - €400 remove the testicles.' I was shocked and New shirt - €36 depressed. I wondered if I had anything New underwear - €6 to live for. I had no choice but to go Second Opinion - PRICELESS under the knife. When I left the hospital, Okay ladies, you can stop laughing now. I was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but I felt like I was missing an important part of Myself. As I walked down the street, I realized that I felt like a different person. I could make a new beginning and live a new life. I saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need. A new suit. I entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit..' The elderly tailor eyed me briefly and said, 'Let's see... Size 44 long.' I laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?' 'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said. I tried on the suit it fit perfectly. As I, admired myself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?' I thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.' The salesman eyed me and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2

When God closes a door, it's because Jesus left it open.. He was born in a barn, you know.

"Ahhhh, get this hideous fucking thing off me." I didn't even know spiders could talk. Hey, Black People! Do you want to know the best way to avoid being raped anally in prison? Get a job. "It says here that you paid 350 pounds for these," said the wife, looking at our new bathroom scales. "No, it doesn't," I replied, "You're standing on them." What's black and doesn't work? Coal on an electric fire, according to my mate Paddy. I wish I had a pound for every time I made a racist comment. It'd help pay all the fines.

My mum said that at my age I should have a place of my own, I agreed. So I packed her bags and dropped her off at the local old peopleâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s home. My son just asked me what GPS is. I said, "It tells me what to do while I'm driving." He replied, "So it's Mummy?" My Mum has told me that, at the age of 45, it was about time I had a place of my own. I told her that, since she is 75, I was hoping not to have to wait much longer. Victoria Beckham surprised David Beckham on his 40th birthday. She sprang out from behind a candle on his birthday cake.

RIP Errol Brown, lead singer of hot chocolate. Liver cancer, very sad. I hear it started with a Cyst. Errol Brown has died. You don't remember him do you?

I said to my wife, "There's a spider on your back." The reply was. 12 A

A Four-Question Quiz for Seniors or Seniors to be. This test is to ascertain your mental state now. If you get one right you are doing ok , if you get none right you better go for counselling. There are 4 questions. 1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator? Stop and think about it and decide on your answer before you read on. The correct answer is: Open the door of refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way. 2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator? Did you say, Open the refrigerator door, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator? Wrong Answer. Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions. 3. The Lion King is hosting an Animal Conference. All the animals attend... Except one. Which animal does not attend? Correct Answer : The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory. Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities. 4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it? Correct Answer:? You jump into the river and swim across. Haven't you been lis-ten-ing? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Conference. This tests whether you learn quickly from

your mistakes. According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the Retirees they tested got all questions wrong, but many pre-schoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively proves the theory that most Retirees do not have the brains of a four-year-old. (I have to go for counselling as I didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t get any right. Ed) My girlfriend said she is breaking up with me due to my lack of understanding of her clitoris or something like that. She was a bit vague. Trying to remember exactly why. It's on the tip of my tongue...... I can't quite put my finger on it...... It'll come to me soon.

Have you ever noticed that it's only 'perfect' people who are murdered or killed in horrific accidents? "He was the perfect son" or "She was the perfect daughter." "Such a tragic accident they were the perfect family." "They died together, the perfect couple till the end." Makes me glad I abuse my kids and beat up my wife. Kind of makes me feel immortal.

I had had enough, I was sick of being used. As I made my way to the door with my suitcase my wife cried, "Please don't go. Please stay, I'm sorry, it's all my fault. I promise, I'll learn how to open the sauce jars myself.

According to Homoeopathy, a disease can be cured by giving diluted amounts of the substance, which causes the disease, to the patients. That's like fingering rape victims to make them feel alright.

The Earth revolves around the Sun at a speed of 18.5 miles/sec and spins on its axis at 1,040 mph. So yeah, I got some exercise today. I phoned the local brothel and asked for their opening times. "Whenever your wife closes," she said.

Authorities for the Cardiff bus company have appologised for the poster of the woman with the caption "Ride me all day for 3 pounds". As a gesture of goodwill they have altered the sign. It now reads "Pound me all day for free rides".

Have you had an accident that wasn't your fault? It happens. Man up and stop scrounging for money.

What's the cleanest part of a Muslim? The brain. It's the only bit that's been washed.

T H E N I P P L E L AW S U I T...

If you smacked a kid in the face with a bottle of Johnson's no more tears, would it create beautiful irony? The latest fuckwit housemates have entered the Big Brother house. Why is there never an Islamic suicide bomber around when you want one?

to kill herself tonight by dropping a toaster into the bath with her. But there was no fucking room for it. My dad went out to buy a paper and cigarettes ten years ago. He's so patient. They must be training a new girl on the till.

Extremely high doses of caffeine can cause you to hear imaginary voices, and even hallucinate. A pigeon "Is it a book? A film? outside Starbucks told me Three syllables? Four that. syllables? Sounds Is it all black people like." Three hours that have a problem with later I realised it was slavery? Or just my ones. My daughter's pet lamb just a deaf person telling died today. The grieving How to catch a Polar me to fuck off. process was delicious. bear. "Knock knock." "Who's I was chatting up a girl in Cut a hole in the ice, Place the pub before when this there?" "Dave." "Dave a few peas around the bloke came over. "You do who?" Dave holds back edge of the hole. realise this is my girlfriend tears as he realises his Hide behind an Igloo. don't you, you wanna take mother's Alzheimer's is When the bear goes to it out side?" "Of course I getting worse. take a pea. do, I'm hardly gonna try I convinced my wife to Jump out from work for the CIA. So she and fuck her in here." behind the igloo wouldn't be allowed to tell After years of abuse over and kick him in the me about her day. her weight, the wife tried icehole. The Royal hairdresser has been spotted going into the hospital, I doubt it's for William, my guess is it's to tidy up Kate's minge. Why does the population of Brixton never change? Because once a baby is born, the father fucks off. 17

I said to my wife, "If the orange light comes on you need to fill the car up." By the 4th set of traffic lights she'd crammed 32 people in the car.

If you screw up a five pound note really small and then straighten it out again, the portrait of The Queen looks much more realistic. There has been many times when my Father has been behind me in life. For instance, the first time me riding a bike and my first time having sex. Language is one of the things separates us from animals. The other is that

According to scientists, rubbing a banana peel on mosquito bites can help stop the itching. But some ungrateful bastards still demand 'anti-malaria we aren't afraid of vacuum drugs'. cleaners. It's a well known fact that Why did the semen cross the road? Because it was owning a snake will save my first wank in two you money. After it eats weeks. your baby your wife will leave you.

There are certain word pairings in English that fill Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve just been refused to me with revulsion and be served at McDonalds make me despair for the because I was more than three times over the drink human race. For example; Kiddy porn drive limit. Twat's, I would Child molester never have stopped at that Muslim extremist service station if I had been aware of this policy. Woman's football

To prove he is the greatest fighter of all time Floyd Mayweather has chosen Muhammed Ali as his next opponent. I did enjoy the ballet from Las Vegas last night. It was estimated that 55 million Filipinos tuned in to watch Manny Pacquiao fight last night. That's a hell of lot of people gathered round a black and white portable. If Manny Pacquiao wanted to know how to beat a black man he should of trained with the Baltimore Police ...... Floyd Mayweather should know he's meant to hug his girlfriend and punch his opponent...not the other way around. I don't care what anyone says, Mayweather is shit. April was much sunnier. You should see what these big sporting stars will be making tonight. Floyd Mayweather will be making £76 million. Manny Pacquiao will be making £53 million. And Rio Ferdinand will be making his own dinner.

WHAT’S ON IN MAY The place of Variety May 2nd - Bella Luna May 6th - Magic of Musicals with Stevie Spit and Nikki G May 27th - Hypnotist ALSO THIS MONTH Rod Stewart Tribute.

Since learning that bukkake originated in Japan, I now understand why geishas' faces are white. I got a job as a bounty hunter in China. Couldn't believe my luck, every time they put a new wanted poster up, the guy they were after was standing right next to me!

Watching a Black guy and a Hispanic guy fighting is not what I thought I'd be I'm writing a book on how to pace doing at 4am Sunday morning… That's what I get for falling asleep in a Liverpool yourself in life... should have it finished in about 10 years. bus depot. Muhammad Ali in 1974: Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee. Floyd Mayweather in 2015: Run like a chicken, hug like a bear. I noticed in the news today that David Cameron made a 'Freudian Slip', which is amazing for a British Prime Minister. Coz I didn't know he knew anything about 18th century Austrian dress making.

The three most hurtful lies I've ever been told have all come from women: Mummy loves you just as much as your sister. I promise I've never been unfaithful to you. And now on BBC3, here's Jack Whitehall with some comedy. What's the difference between pirates and pilots? You don't get many pirates in the sea anymore. 19

religions for a month. Unfortunately it was a failure. The Muslims didn't like sex with the choirboys and the priests didn't like sex with nine year old girls. I invited my Muslim neighbours round to sit in the garden for a BBQ. Half way through, I informed the husband that his wife had been unfaithful to him with lots of men. She hadn't but I needed the rockery moving. I was just looking at my house on Google Streetview and I saw my wife through the window in the front room, shagging the milkman. It was only after Tomorrow is just another day, 8 hours I'd bludgeoned her to death that I of sitting in front of a screen typing and realised that the image was two years reading pointless crap. I can't wait until old. When I used to be a milkman. it's over, and I can get home and spend I was text-cheating on my wife and the evening on Facebook. accidentally sent one of the messages I watched this homeless tramp with a to her. Took me some explaining on twig and a bit of string with a bent hook how I couldn't wait to suck her dick. on the end pull fish after fish out of the I was on a train journey in India with canal and them throw them back. the locals. "I'm really fucking scared!" I "That's amazing!" I said. "Why don't said to the guy sitting next to me. "It will you keep some for food?" "Fish I can be fine," he replied, "Just make sure you get anytime," he said. "It's that fucking duck properly when that tunnel comes mattress I'm after." closer." In the news today, A Judge has granted Porn gives unrealistic expectations. chimpanzees the status of legal persons. The plumber took his usual ÂŁ60 per In other news, an unarmed chimpanzee hour, even though I sucked his dick. was shot dead by police as he left a supermarket. Police state the person was carrying what appeared to be a yellow gun.

"You haven't listened to a word I've said, have you?" Always seems like a strange way for my wife to start a conversation with me. In an attempt to promote peace the Catholic church and Muslims have agreed to practice each others 20

"Right, "I said to my mate, "I'm off to the cinema to see the fat and the furious," "Don't you mean the fast and the furious? "he replied, 1st - 9pm Northern Soul Music Night "No, I said, "the wife works there." 8th & 22nd - 9pm Music Video Quiz Night Win Free Shots. This hand sanitizer says it kills 14th - 8:30pm Fun Race Night & 99.99% of all germs, which leaves me to believe that the .01% is rich Hog Roast. 15th - 9pm Live Music - Mod/Ska Night enough to have armed security With Vocalist Johnny Fox protecting them. 29th - 9pm Northern Soul Music Night An Englishman, an Irishman and & Hog Roast a Scotsman walk into a pub. And Sunday Lunch´s 2pm - 5pm have to stand because of the fucking Eastern Europeans. Apparently fat is considered beautiful in some primitive tribal communities such as those in Tahiti, Samoa and Cardiff. I walked past a lamp-post in Cardiff the other day. It had 3 sheep tied to it. I didn't know they had dating agencies there. A South Wales bus company says it will withdraw an advertising campaign which shows an attractive semi-naked woman on the back of buses holding a billboard which reads: "Ride me all day for £3". Local prostitutes complained the advert was misleading as it depicted an unrealistic level of attractiveness and undercut their price by 25%. I wouldn’t say that my mate is thick but he decided not to go to London over the weekend because he had a bad cold and wanted to avoid the congestion charge. These so-called 'food banks' are a total rip-off. I deposited some cake at my local one last week, and when I went to take ANYTHING TO ADD it out today they said they'd given it ANDY? JACKIE? away to someone else. Bastards. 21

ACID JAZZ AFRICAN ALTERNATIVE BEBOP BLUES BOLLYWOOD BOSSA NOVA BRAZILIAN CELTIC CHAMBER

CLASSICAL COUNTRY DOO WOP ELEVATOR EUROPOP EXPERIMENTAL FOLK ROCK FUNK GOSPEL GRUNGE

GYPSY IRISH MAMBO MARIACHI

REGGAE ROCK AND ROLL SALSA SURF MIDDLE EASTERN SWING NEW AGE TECHNO NEW ORLEANS TRIP HOP OPERA TROPICAL POP MUSIC URBAN PROGRESSIVE ZYDECO

Find and circle all of the different types of music that are hidden in the grid. The remaining 15 letters spell an additional type of music. Work it out, then text the Editor on: 664 10 60 10 with the answer and your contact details. The first correct answer will win this months surprise prize. Good Luck. 22

shouldn't be too concerned. He's only a DNA test away from being shunted into oblivion. The new born daughter of Prince William and the Duchess of Cambridge has been named as Charlotte Elizabeth Diana. Kensington Palace The BBC's official Obsequious officials have confirmed that it is only Sycophant, Nicolas Witchell has a tentative arrangement and the 'Diana' just announced that the duchess of would soon be replaced with a 'Camilla'. Cambridge has been admitted into "The new Royal baby weighs 3.7kg". hospital in the early stages of labour "What's that in pounds?" "About ÂŁ3 and that she was taken through the back million per year for the taxpayer". entrance. Not even a princess can get In a moving tribute to his late mother, pregnant that way Nicholas. Prince William has announced the name I can't help but think that Will and Kate have missed a trick with this name of the new baby Princess. Mercedes. thing. Elizabeth Paris Mercedes would have been a nice blend of modern and historical while also being the Cluedo answer for "what happened to Granny"? The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge have named their daughter Charlotte Elizabeth Diana, Kensington Palace has said. Charlotte for Prince Charles, Elizabeth for the Queen and Diana for his mother. "Never mind Kate, better luck next time on someone from your family?" Prince Andrew has not yet seen Charlotte Elizabeth Diana.. As he's not allowed within 50 feet of her. Prince Harry has been shunted from 4th to 5th in line to the throne. He 23

Five blokes in an Audi Quattro arrived at the ferry checkpoint in Harwich, Essex. Tracey, in her brand new uniform, stops them and tells them: "I can't let you on the ferry. It is illegal to have 5 people in a Quattro. Quattro means four.. One of you will have to get out and stay behind." "Quattro is just the name of the car," the driver replies disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons." "You cannot pull that one on me. This is Tracey you're talking to here," she replies with a smile. "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law. So I can't let you onto the ferry. It's more than my job's worth to let you all on." The driver is now very cross and replies angrily, I've had enough of you. Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!" "Sorry," responds Tracey, "but Sharon is busy with those two blokes in the Fiat Uno."

A Baltimore woman has suffered a horrific sexual assault. She described her attacker as a white man who called himself Malcolm and who lived on her street. Police are looking for the black man responsible. I can't believe I won the self-harming competition. I'm still pinching myself.

already made a film about him, I'm watching it now, have a look." "That's Gandhi, you stupid cow!" As my wife and I lay in bed together, I felt the tension in the air. She then folded her arms and huffed, "You never make the first move." "Jesus!" I said as I rolled my eyes. "Every night it's the same thing." "Well you don't!" she moaned. "It's always me and quite frankly I'm fed up with I said to my mate George earlier, it. And before you start, it's nothing to "Did you know that your son Johnny do with you being black." "It is," I said. has broken my daughterâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s virginity!?" "No, it isn't," she said. "You know what?" He replied "Heâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a clumsy bugger he I said as I jumped out of the bed. "You fucked our washing machine up last can stick the fucking chessboard up your week!" arse." I got home from work and my wife said Creche: "It's bloody amazing what they can do A nursery where babies and young these days. That bald black singer from children are cared for. Or if you are Hot Chocolate has died, and they've the Queen, a road accident.

Daniel and Jessica, a young couple, got married and went happily on their honeymoon. When they got back, Jessica immediately 'phoned her mother and her mother obviously asked, 'How was the honeymoon, dearest? 'Oh, Mum,' she replied, 'the honeymoon was wonderfulâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;. So romantic...' Then Jessica burst out crying. 'But, Mum, as soon as we returned home Daniel started using the most ghastly language... saying things I've never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please Mum.' 'Calm down, Jessica!,' said her mother, 'Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?' Still sobbing, Jessica whispered, 'Oh, Mum...words like dust, wash, cook, and iron.' A Northern Territory farm hand (an Aboriginal) radios back to the farm manager. "Boss, I gotta helluva problem here. I hit a pig with the truck. The pig's ok, but he's stuck in the bullbars at the front of my truck and is wriggling and squealing so much I can't get him out." The manager says, "Ok, there's a .303 rifle behind the seat. Take it, shoot the pig in the head and you'll be able to remove him." Five minutes later the farm hand calls back, "I did what you said boss. Took the 303, shot the pig in the head and removed him from the bull-bars. No problem there, but I still can't go on". "Now what's the problem?" raged the Manager. "Well boss, it's his motor-bike. The flashing blue light is stuck under the right-front wheel arch." "You there Boss?" My blonde girlfriend has three hours of footage of raw chicken on her iPhone.

The cooking instructions said remove sleeve and film. We're planning on setting a trap for Muslim extremists. It can't be anything too obvious, like a Muhammad cartoon contest, they're not going to fall for that. A multi millionaire from Nigeria has announced that he's interested in taking over Arsenal Football Club. Unfortunately, he has no way of getting his money to this country, so he needs a few willing Arsenal fans to email back with their sort code and account number... I have trouble taking responsibility for my actions. I blame my parents. 27

way about who was going to drive home. My plan was to be the first to get pissed, but she beat me to the punch. It's funny how my kids canâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t find their school shoes in the morning, but can find the tiniest bit of onion in their dinner. My mate has fallen victim to an on-going bladder Did you know that if you my family I love them." lay all your pubic hairs out Now it's, "Go to my house puncture. Rest in Piss. end to end, Social Services and delete my browsing Farmer Browne: "Did will take your children history." you lose much in that last away. tornado?" Farmer Jones: The Wall Street Journal I was walking past Costa coffee, and thought "I could really do with a lovely, tasty, hot cup of coffee". So I carried on walking past.

reports that two million Americans got married because of someone they met online. The bad news, four million got divorced because of somebody they Here's a little known fact. met online. The average fight between I drove the wife and I to a men lasts 30 seconds. The house party last night. We average fight between were arguing the whole women? 30 years. I was in a nightclub last night when a Paki woman walked up to me. She said, "I could do with a big dick." I said, "I bet you could, you've already got a moustache." 'Thick as thieves' Basically two words that describe people from Liverpool? The last words people say have changed in recent years. It used to be, "Tell 28

"Lost the hen-house and all the chickens. But that was all right, I ended up with three new cars and somebody's pickup truck." Paddy was on the train with Murphy, when Paddy says to Murphy "get two returns I'll get them on the way back".

Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s sad but true, I have to agree with the 72 year old man who wrote this letter. This is one of the best letters I have read for a long time, it puts it ALL into perspective. This is our country and itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s being destroyed. Subject: The silent majority To David Cameron (Prime Minister) and Ed Milliband (Leader of the Opposition... You BOTH Worry me! (In fact both of your Political parties worry the hell out of me!!!) Over the last few years, I find myself becoming more and more fearful of the pair of you, and between you, you are turning this country into a place that I no longer feel at home in, or feel a part of! I watch you in parliament, and no, not just the two of you, but every politician that I see, stand up in parliament sneering at each other, and acting like children!!! (if you were my children, I would be ashamed of you... What an example to set)! Although you would like us all to believe that you are putting the needs of this country at the forefront, NEITHER of you are doing that, you seem more interested in "one-up-manship", in scoring off each other, and denigrating each other, to the detriment of this country & its people!!! It seems to be all about YOU as individuals, and not about what you can DO for this country! It is fast becoming a place that I do not recognize, as the place I always thought, was the best place in the world to be!!! But no longer!!! You are not listening to the people of this country!!! I am watching the deterioration of living standards in this country, (and according to you, on a world stage we are doing better than most countries... REALLY???)Yet the gap is widening between the "haves" and the

"have-nots". I see our homeless on the streets, our hospitals under-funded, and understaffed, our health system is an absolute mess and a disgrace ... And yet I see multi-millions of dollars being sent offshore, in aid to other countries, before attending to this country's needs! I see the "selling off of water rights to foreign interests, WHY? Especially when you go to great lengths to tell us that water is a finite resource, & supposedly, we must ALL be careful with how we use it, so that we ensure we have it for the future? A Carbon Tax, (Which you KNOW is just another tax) which will make NO appreciable difference, to carbon emissions, AT ALL! A tax, which in spite of all your arguments FOR it, you are doing alone, when other major countries will NOT and DO NOT embrace it, or believe in it ! All that it will do for this country is put working families and small businesses behind the eight ball, what planet are you on, if you think that the tax we must pay will make even a scrap of difference to the effect of the carbon tax on people? Anyone can see the holes in that argument!!! Do you really think we are that dumb??? Let's talk about Multiculturalism...People have come here from other countries, for a better life, for more years than I have been alive (I am 72 years old!) Pre and Post war immigrants came for a better life, and settled in and became wonderful contributors to this country, all have contributed to the rich diversity of this country, and some descendants have even fought FOR this country, and they have become U.K. citizens and were glad to be and they had NO handouts from our Government either, ...they worked hard for everything! I have never

I have never before had a problem with all, or any, race of immigrants coming here. However, I DO NOW!!! Please tell me why we have areas in towns and on large estates all over the country, where police do NOT, & will NOT go, for fear of their life? Please tell me why we can no longer have religion in schools for fear of "OFFENDING" someone? (The latest little gem is that they are not having or being funded, for chaplains any more, but Counsellors!) Please tell me why religious Christmas observances are no longer allowed in some schools for fear of OFFENDING someone? Please tell me HOW Christmas decorations in some stores might OFFEND someone? Please tell me why we have to have segregated days in some swimming centres for fear of "OFFENDING" someone? Please tell me why we have some RADICAL clerics demanding Sharia Law in this country when if we were in THEIR country, this would NEVER be allowed? Please tell me why our laws need to be changed, so as not to OFFEND someone? Please tell me why we are fast becoming a MINORITY voice, in our own country, because of POLITICAL CORRECTNESS? Please tell me WHY Britons cannot legally wear a bike helmet covering their head in a bank and yet it is ok to wear a Burqa which covers the whole of the face? And please tell me WHY, when those people who want asylum here can wreck our detention centres and STILL be accepted here? What does that say about just who and what are this government's priorities? The British people that I speak to have genuine concerns about becoming a second class minority in our own country, and the reasons for it are some of the

above. Are you so blind that you cannot see this? And no, I am NOT racist!!! If I did not like Catholics or Protestants would I be considered racist? Of course not! Why is it that if we object to what is happening in our country we are immediately labelled RACIST, in an attempt to shut us up? We are fighting Radical Muslims in Afghanistan and Iraq, are we not? I hear you say, yes but the Muslims we have here are "Not like that". Well how would we know? Do we hear ANY of them coming out and speaking AGAINST radicals? I haven't, have you? Islam is not compatible with ANY of the values that we hold here in Britain! Are not the experiences of France and the Netherlands a examples of that? Why do you think it would be any different here? We even have a British born "radical ", whose message is that Britain WILL become a Muslim country, under Sharia Law, and that we had "better get used to it ". Will both of you grow some "balls", and start sticking up for this country and its people? We are the people who put you where you are and PAY you to look after our interests! And you are NOT doing that by any stretch of the imagination!!! I would appreciate an answer from both of you, if only to convince me that once again I am not talking to a brick wall! In case it has escaped both of you I would like to remind you that, in the U.K. Government is: FOR THE PEOPLE ... OF THE PEOPLE … BY THE PEOPLE ... Never forget that because you sure have up till now! This letter was sent to “the jester” 3 a years ago. But things haven’t changed.

Last week Anne checked into a motel on her 65th birthday. As she was feeling a bit lonely, she decided to call one of those men you see in the phone book for escorts and sensual massages. She looked through phone book and found a full page ad for a guy calling himself "Loveable Lawrence" A very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, and she felt certain she could bounce a fifty cent coin off of that well oiled butt. She figured, what the heck, no-one will ever know, I'll give him a call. "Good evening Ma'am, how may I help you?" Ooh, he sounded sooo sexy!! Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in. "Hi, I hear you give great massage, I'd like you to come to my motel and give me one. No wait-I'll be straight with you. I'm in town and all alone. What I really want is sex-I want it hot and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, cuffs, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night, tie me up, cover me with chocolate Syrup and whipped cream. I'm ready." "Now. How does that sound? "That sounds absolutely fantastic. But you need to press 9 for an outside line".

I came back from the pet shop. "They didn't have any goldfish so I got something different." "That's ok." said my girlfriend, "Just put it in the tank and I'll have a look in a while." 10 minutes later she comes over to me and says, "It's lying at the bottom not moving, what the fuck did you buy?" "It's a hamster." I replied. A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, "Give me your money." The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said, "Please, you can't do this, I'm a politician!" The thief replied, "In that case, give me MY money!" I eventually talked my girlfriend into shaving her massive bush. Turns out she's actually my boyfriend. Interviewer: What's your biggest weakness? Me: Jumping to conclusions. Interviewer: OK, we'll be in touch. ME: Excellent. See you tomorrow at eight. We keep being told that that it's wonderful to live in such a diverse community. Well I looked up the definition of diverse, and nowhere does it mention black. I saw a nice new widescreen TV at the shops today, but I'm going to have to wait until the sales. Or until the police shoot another black guy.

SOME CLEAN JOKES AND SAYINGS.

A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living." I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport. Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did. My wife and I revisited the hotel where we spent our wedding night. This time I was the one who stayed in the bathroom and cried. My Wife was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen replied, "So did my arthritis!" Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM 60!" Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?" A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand? " The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!" When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. Experience enables us to recognize a mistake when we make it again. "I used to be a heavy gambler. But now I just make mental bets. That's how I lost my mind." We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.' Little Johnny replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old..' The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?' Little Johnny answered, 'No, he minded his own fuckin' business... My wife was in the bedroom when I rushed towards her. "There's a huge spider on the TV downstairs," I said to her. "Spray a good dose of this on it," she said, as she handed me the insect killer. Few minutes later, she asked, "Is it dead yet?" "I was spraying the shit out if," I said, "But then they started to show something else on National Geographic." I had to make a call to the telephone company. Something was wrong with my bill. I dialled the number listed. I got the strangest recording. It said, "You have been connected to the correct department on the first try. This is against company policy. Please hang up and redial." Daily Mail online: Masturbation may help prevent the common cold. Hope so, I've got no tissues left. A twenty five million pound study into why pointless studies are conducted has yielded no conclusive results. Head researcher Paul Williams was unavailable for comment as he fucked off in his new Ferrari. The girl I brought home told me she finds condoms a real turn off. I really should clean my bedroom.

A man in the US accidentally shot his mother-in-law when a bullet he fired at an Armadillo ricocheted off it and hit her. ''The hideous creature has sustained grievous injuries, but the Armadillo got out even without as much as a scratch,'' the man was heard saying. A traditional Islamic outfit cost me sixty quid, the rucksack was a tenner, the ticking alarm clock was only a fiver. Having a carriage on the train to myself at rush hour however is fucking priceless. It's Parkinson's Awareness Week and already I've learned a lot about people suffering from this disease. Like, if one stands next to you at the urinal, move away.

behind the counter says, "Oh I've got one here that's just right for you... ten hours a week, 400 hundred thousand a year, no qualifications required." The black guys face lights up and he says, There's a superstition in this country whereby if a woman steps over a broom "You're joking right?" somewhat awed on the floor, she will become a mother at the prospect of it all. The job centre before she is a wife. All I can say is, there bloke says, "Well, you started it." must be an awful lot of brooms lying I said to the wife, "is there any chance around. I can get a blowjob?" "I suppose so," she sighed. "Brilliant! If you need me, I'll be Diane Abbott at a Lewisham school at your sisters'." sports day: "Remember kids, it's not about winning, it's about taking stuff Imagine a world where racism doesn't from those that do win." exist. Get rid of those coons and rag I have to get up at five o'clock on a Wednesday to go and sign the sex offenders register. If the staff of BBC get there before me, I can be waiting all fucking day.

A man walks in to a library and asks for a book on the births of really ugly children. The librarian says, "Take that back, it's disgusting!" The man says, "Yep, that's the one."

heads and we'll nearly be there!

Out in space two alien forms are speaking with each other. The first spaceman says, "The dominant life forms on the earth planet have developed satellite-based weapons." The second alien, who looks exactly like the first, asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?" The first spaceman says, "I don't think so, they have them aimed at themselves."

A Black guy walks into the job centre and says, "I'd really like a job." The bloke Where can I buy immigrant safe tuna? 33

A DC 'airport ticket agent' offers some examples of why the US is in so much trouble! 1.I had a New Hampshire Congress Woman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!) 2. I got a call from a Kansas Congress Man's (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Cape Town. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts ...'' Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts , Cape Town is in South Africa ....'' His response -- click.. 3. A senior Vermont Congress Man (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, 'Don't lie to me!, I looked on the map, and Florida is a very THIN state!!'' 4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada ?'' I said, ''No.'' She said, ''But they look so close on the map''. 5. An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas .. I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas ..... When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport,

and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Arrrrrghhhh) 6. An Illinois Congress Woman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that. 7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?' He replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!'' After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno , Ca. is (FAT Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage.. 8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii . After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii ?'' 9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright from Ala. who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?'' I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.'' Continued page 35.

10. Senator Dianne Feinstein called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida . Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?'' I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola and fly on a commuter plane. She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!'' 11. Mary Landrieu, La. Senator, called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China .. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.'' I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!'' 12. A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York .'' I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?'' 'Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man. After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere." ''The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!'' So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo , do you?'' The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.'' Now you know why the Government is in the shape it's in! Could ANYONE be this DUMB? YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED. 35

People tend to stay out of your way because they know that you mean business. In the news today, A Judge in America has granted chimpanzees the status of legal persons. In other news, an unarmed chimpanzee was shot dead by police as he left a supermarket. Police state the person was carrying what appeared to be a yellow gun. As the grand wizard of the Klu Klax Clan I hope the rest of the clansmen aren't too hard on my daughters new Boyfriend at our party tonight. I think he's French and we cant wait to meet Le roy. I asked my wife if she could take our son down to one of the local Learning Disabilities Centres as I needed to work. "Which one?" she asked. "The one licking the window," I replied. My mate said to me, "If you want I hate it when some blokes want to something, and think positively it will chat to you when you're taking a shit. happen." "So what you're saying is, if I Like there's some sort of bond between think positively I'll be able to shag that you because you happen to be in the fit blonde over there," I said. "Yeah," next cubicle. Like this morning, where he said, "but you need to believe it this bloke kept asking if I had anything will happen." Two minutes later he to confess... was proven right, I found a balaclava I've often wondered what life is like on the floor. for a comedian, so I called up Josh When I was young, my dad told me his Widdicombe. To see if he could ask job was to collect toilet waste. I used to one for me. feel terrible, thinking of my dad hard at I've been looking at compasses in a work, elbow deep in shit. But then I shop in Pakistan and whichever direction found out he was only taking the piss. you are facing the needle always points A colleague at work accused me of towards the UK. Islamaphobia last week. I said: "Don't Apparently there is a new TV show be so fucking ridiculous, a phobia is an starting next week, about a hospital that irrational fear". specialises in treatment for conditions Being a fat bloke at McDonald's is a caused by overweight, its going to be lot like being the muscle guy at the gym. called O.B.City. 36

you ever heard me say a bad word about him?" I met a guy today who told me he worked as a limb stretcher. Turns out the bastard was pulling my leg. My mate said he was straight but he's got gay written all over him. That's what he gets for passing out on my couch. I asked this old lady if she would switch seats with me on the plane as the screaming brat of a baby is starting to piss me off. That turned into a really nasty shouting match, where my wife accused me of not loving our child.

and she loves it… but one comment about her driving. Poor Humpty Dumpty. If only he had a hot bath before the accident, he still would have been here today. Dark humour is like food in Africa. Not everyone gets it.

I saw the doctor with my young daughter today. It’s not what I expected to I put a pedometer on see when I went into her my wrist this morning… bedroom to wake her up I've wanked nearly 5 miles for school. today. Fuck me, that Marathon I often fool people into was hard work. Mind you, thinking I'm an ant by it had been in the fridge walking all over their for 20 years. picnic. I always sleep naked. It's One woman was talking just more comfortable. to her friend, "You should This stewardess can fuck listen to my neighbour," off. I don't care if there she says. "She is always are young children on the bad-mouthing her poor plane. husband behind his back. I During sex my wife takes think that's so rude. Look it up the arse cum on her at me! My husband is fat, face call her a dirty bitch lazy and cheap; but have 37

I had my first taste of roast hamster today. I thought it was hammy. My mate’s motto: 'Always think outside the box' Lovely bloke, fucking shit goalkeeper though. I used to think that my girlfriend was giving me silent treatment. Turns out she's deaf.

McDonald's, Burger King, Taco Bell, Domino's and Pizza express. My wife can be so annoying at times: "When are you going to paint the kitchen? When are you going to paint the kitchen? When are you going to paint the kitchen?" Three times I've asked her and she still hasn't done it. I have just started a new job in a care home. I have never found a job so rewarding, getting paid to have sex all day. A little boy returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic. 'Why?' asks the father? 'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY. 'But that's right!' says his dad. 'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'' 'What's the fuckin' A new report suggests that being difference?' asks the father. 'That's what overweight is not as harmful as is commonly believed, and actually confers I said!' some surprising benefits. Being five to One day, during lessons on proper ten pounds overweight could protect grammar, the teacher asked for a show people from ailments ranging from of hands from those who could use the tuberculosis to Alzheimer's disease, word 'beautiful' in the same sentence research indicates. Those carrying 15 twice. First, she called on little Suzie, to 25 extra pounds are better able to who responded with, 'My father bought recover from adverse conditions such my mother a beautiful dress and she as emphysema, pneumonia, and various looked beautiful in it.' 'Very good, Suzie,' injuries and infections, states the report. replied the teacher. She then called on Thirty to forty pounds of flab could help little Michael. 'My mummy planned a fend off breast, kidney, pancreatic, beautiful banquet and it turned out prostate, and colon cancer. And an beautifully.' She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' extra fifty pounds on the scale may Then the teacher reluctantly called on improve eyesight, reverse baldness, little RALPHY. 'Last night at the dinner cure the common cold, and reduce table, my sister told my father that she global warming. In general, the report was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just concludes, overweight people are fucking' beautiful!'' happier, more successful in business, Nick Clegg is like a big issue seller, smarter, and friendlier. The study was always there but no one takes any funded by a research grant from notice. 39

WISDOM Along the banks of the Wabash River, the Blackfoot First Nations Indian Tribe selected Running Sparrow to be their new Chief. There was a great feast and celebration. As the days grew on, Tribal elders would turn to Running Sparrow for his wise counsel. As winter was approaching, they would frequently ask, "will the winter be long and cold?" Running Sparrow had heard the stories of old from his fathers, but had never made such a determination about nature himself. He was more in touch with modern conveniences such as microwave ovens, than he was with interpreting nature. Running Sparrow walked through the forest and all the signs indicated winter would be long and cold, but he was not sure of his abilities to interpret them correctly. Being a loving and compassionate Chief, Running Sparrow told the elders, "Yes, the signs of nature indicate it will be a long and cold winter. Gather fire wood in preparation." He said this just in case, as he didn't want to be caught unprepared. The elders again came to Chief Running Sparrow saying, "We have collected firewood. Is it enough, or will the winter be longer and colder?" Being now more uncertain than ever, Chief Running Sparrow had a great idea. As he again walked through the forest to read the signs in nature, he doubled back home while no one was looking. He telephoned the National Weather Service. He asked them, "Will it be a long and cold winter?" They replied, "Yes, we have every sign that it will indeed be a long and cold winter." Chief Running Sparrow then advised his Tribal 41

elders to gather more firewood. After gathering even more firewood, they returned to him asking, "We have gathered even more, is it now enough, or will the winter be even longer and colder?" As before Chief Running Sparrow managed to secret a call to the National Weather Service. They told Running Sparrow, "It will most definitely be a long and cold winter." Running Sparrow then advised the elders to gather every scrap of firewood they could find. Once complete, they were prepared for the winter. Wanting to learn the new modern methods of determining weather, Running Sparrow again called the National Weather Service. They again assured him saying, "It will likely be the longest and coldest winter in our recorded history." He asked, "How is it you know this?" They replied, "Because the Blackfoot Indians are collecting a shit load of firewood."

At a pub in Ireland a priest decides to make a protest about alcohol. He stood up and shout at the top of his voice "I have talked to you about drinking many times but you have never listened to me. I will now show you a practical experiment so show you the error of your ways. I have here a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and an ordinary old common worm. Now 3 watch what happens when I drop it in the water, then pull it out, itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s alive. Now watch what happens when I drop it in the whiskey, i pull it out, itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s dead! What message does this give to you"? A bloke at the back with a strong Irish accent shouts 'if you drink whiskey you'll never get worms!

People who get sayings wrong ... That really gets my coat.

the lives of sixty children lost. Thank fuck I don't have to tell their parents.

I got a blow job off a girl in a wheelchair last night. Well she'd been talking to my crotch all night. It was only fair.

What is long, black and dangerous to cut into? The queue at KFC.

"Polly put the kettle on, Polly put the kettle on, Polly put the kettle on, We'll all have some tea." "Look, for the last time; I can't put the kettle on, I'm a fucking parrot."

My brother always beat me in every subject at school, except for English. I was always the goodest at that. Heard about the Irish abortion clinic? There's a 12 month waiting list.

"Well just once before I die I would like to put it up your bum. "I answered. "Stop being such a prick on our wedding night, "she replied. I used to be scared of dentists because of the pain. Now I'm scared of dentists because of the cost. I love to shave with a new razor. It reminds me of making love to a beautiful woman for the first time. All the excitement, a little blood, and I am holding a razor. I used to hear the name Muhammad Ali and think 'Greatest sportsman of all time'. Now I hear it and I think 'probably some dirty Paki terrorist'. What's got 20 faces and 3 teeth? An episode of Jeremy Kyle.

My wife looked at me I got in at 3am last night. lovingly as we got ready Stella Cidre - For the My wife was up waiting for for bed, "What would you man who likes to beat his me If looks could kill, I'd wife in the countryside. like to do? "She asked, be a dead man. She wasn't angry, she's just that ugly. My mates always say that an older woman can teach you everything. Bollocks, I just took a busty divorcee back to my place and she wasn't interested in talking about maths at all. The orphanage I run burned down today with 42

You know global warming is taking effect sword and bayonete, and a pistol too" when chickens start laying hard boiled Very good remarks the teacher, anyone eggs. else to follow that. Paki Pete raises his UKIP have released a childrens book to hand and replies "Me dad not in no army, help people of all ages understand their he has no coat of blue, he draws his dole at half past nine and his on the pistol policies ... Where's Woggy. two". Apparently some women masturbate Unfortunately, my wife passed away by having their cats lick their clits. The smell means the cat gets something out in her sleep last night. Fortunately, the mourning sex was fantastic. of it too. When dogs sniff each other's arses, are A boy was having sex with a girl on a they displaying a fetish or checking for 20 railway track. The train driver spots them and starts hooting but they ignore. condoms of cocaine? He applies brakes so hard and the train stops just a few yards away from the couple. Driver jumps from the engine and walks to the boy who just finished and is standing up and zipping up his pants. The driver shouts out to the boy "Do you realise that if I had not seen you, this would have been your last fuck." Boy: "Listen dude, you were coming... She was cuming... and I was cuming... and I realised that only you had brakes.

What do we want? To stop incorrectly comparing things to animals! When do want it? Faster than a turtle! I once went to a Scottish golf club. there was a sign that said all Scottish members must refrain from picking up lost golf balls until they have stopped rolling. Two blondes were having a walk in the woods, they came across some tracks on the ground. The first blonde said "I am sure that they are bear tracks". The other blonde replied "No, no, they are not bear tracks, they look more like rabbit tracks to me." Then they started arguing about it, in fact they were still arguing when the railway train hit them.

People who say, "Never say, Never." Have obviously never been asked..."Ever sleep with a fat bird?" I walked past a rape victim support group the other day. What a great idea keeping all the easy targets together.

After much discussion, my wife has decided to have her eggs frozen. She bought far too many at Easter again. Just been sparring with a woman in our mixed martial arts class, all I ended up A class of twelve year olds are asked by with was a bloody nose. The last time I the teacher to construct a sentence with had to fight with a woman for over 10 the word "pistol" in it Sebastian puts his minutes, at least I got a fuck out of it. hand up, and says "My father is in the If silly putty would have applied itself, army, he wears a coat of blue, he has a it could have been serious putty. I've just seen a porno version of 'The Wizard Of Oz' and without wanting to sound to critical, that Great Dane looked fuck all like Toto.

I'm going to make a film about the migrant boat that sank. Now I just need to see if Kate Winslet will black up for me. The Teletubbies are waiting for their new African member. Sinky Winkys boat will arrive at any time now. Nigel Farage tries to win the 'lad' vote by presenting himself as a man who enjoys a pint of beer and a fag. Perhaps John Major would have won another term if he'd told people how much he loved eating Currie. Hundreds of migrants have drowned near the coast of Libya and I feel really sorry for the sharks, they now have to eat cheap African meat after enjoying Chinese stuff for months. The Italian film industry is reportedly set to make a follow up to the 1992 film White Men Can't Jump. Black Men Can't Swim. If history tells us nothing else, it tells us; Africans need to be assigned an oar each to be seaworthy. The sewage works in Libya need to be upgraded to help reduce the number of floaters in the Mediterranean Sea. This migrant woman I bumped into sounded uncannily like Kirsty McColl. And left a huge fucking dent in my Jet Ski. I see a 14 year old Scouser has been charged with armed robbery. Not a good example to set his kids. Ed Miliband and his wife visited a temple today, so she wore a sari. Why? I don't black-up when I go into KFC.

Disgraceful scenes in London this morning. 1000s of white people chasing after 3 Kenyans. A Google executive has died on Everest due to the Nepal earthquake A Google spokesman said that nothing could be done to save him despite him being found in 0.53 seconds. The RAF is going to use drones to sweep the Mediterranean for migrants. Wouldn't Velcro be more effective?. In regards to sending money to help those in Napal after the recent earthquake; I'm going to single handily send them quadruple the amount that they kindly sent us to help when we had the tragic floods. I hope everyone in Britain will be nearly as generous as me! RIP Keith Harris - the only bloke on the BBC ever to get away with fisting a young bird. Other than Jimmy Saville. Two Australians, four Nigerians, a Brazilian national and an Indonesian were executed for drug offences in Indonesia. We should give Muslims free holidays there. Shops in Baltimore have been completely stripped bare. All that's left is sun cream and Fathers' Day cards. I agree with UKIP that our immigration problem can be solved with a point system. If a Paki turns up, we point into the distance and say, "Fuck off back to where you came from." So the founder of Weight Watchers has diedâ&#x20AC;Ś It's going to start falling off her now! RIP Keith Harris. KFC Orville. 44

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Now this is just plain foolish. Doesn’t she realise she could break her wrists landing like this!

DON’T FORGET TO FLOSS! My son told me, Dad, I would like to have a tattoo. I told him No, nobody has one in our family and you are not having one. He asked me, Why not? All my friends have a tattoo! I told him, It would be a stain on your body! He pleaded with me, Dad, please, please, just a Cartoon Character on the belly? And after many hours of discussion I gave in and decided to let him. After all, he was a young man with his own freedom of choice and I thought a Cartoon Character is probably not so bad!