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MARCH 10, 2022 | The Jewish Home
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OCTOBER 29, 2015 | The Jewish Home
Dr. Deb
Getting Over Resentments By Deb Hirschhorn, Ph.D.
O
kay, so you now have all the tools you both need: You’re kind to each other; you can talk honestly without getting triggered – or causing them to be triggered, either. You feel good about yourself. You are experiencing joy in your day. You’re basically happy. Except for one thing: You can’t get past the resentment you feel for the past. Do you know what that really means? It means two things: One, you have past pain, and two, that you’re hiding it from yourself. The resentment is what “shows” on the surface; it’s the tell-tale sign, the ticking of the bomb, that lets you and the world “know” that there’s something more, something beneath the surface. Why in the world do we do this? Why would we hide pain from ourselves, let alone from someone else? Why, indeed. You tell me; you know the answer. I remember a lecture I heard when Rabbi Dr. Abraham Twersky, z”l, came to Florida years ago. He said that he would often tell residents of his alcohol-abuse recovery centers that addicts were more sensitive people than others. They couldn’t take the pain, so they drank. But the problems surfaced in a big hurry when they were inpatients there (since they weren’t allowed to drink) – because they had to confront overpowering and painful feelings that they weren’t used to feeling. But there are many people who don’t need external methods of dulling their emotions. They’ve learned the fine art of forgetting…. “What me? I had a happy childhood,” they say. Or worse, “I had a rotten childhood, and I’ve done everything I can to dissociate myself from it, so don’t tell me I have to work with you and remember it. I’m not going there!” Except for the anger. Or the night-
mares. Or the resentment. Any of those pop up to remind us that our work isn’t done. I ask myself every day: Why would G-d do this? Why would He cause so much pain – and then make us open it up to “deal” with it? Why would the people who suffered the most in childhood, and therefore have the most pain, be the ones who everyone avoids because of their anger or resentment? Why are they suffering twice? And making everyone they love suffer, too? (If I had the answer, I wouldn’t still be asking the question.) But here is something I have noticed: When people do gather the courage to do the work, they end up living their lives, not just passing time. And that is something that the other people, the ones who don’t go to therapy, generally don’t get to do. There are the Viktor Frankls and the tzaddikim of this world who don’t need therapy. They have a connection to Hashem which carries them through life’s torments. Perhaps they also had loving childhoods with parents who validated them. But then there’s the rest of us.
The rest of us may need a bit more help to get through the traumas and tragedies of life. So what is it that resentful people will get out of therapy that would help them past their resentments? To answer that question, we first have to ask another one: what is the value, the gain, in holding onto resentments? When people look deeply – and honestly – inside themselves, they realize that resentments keep them feeling safe. How so? If you have resentments, your good, kind heart wants you to overlook them, forgive, and move on, right? But see, the resentments keep you on the alert for more problems down the road. They put a barrier between you and the person you love who wounded you. This is not always a bad thing. After all, they hurt you once, so how do you know they’ll never backslide? But the real answer to why you have the resentments is deep within you. It may be just what I’ve heard people say, which is what I’ve written above. But it could be something else
that only you would have access to. And then, you might not even know, at least you might not consciously even know what the reason for your resentments is. That’s what I meant in the beginning of this column that you must have past pain but you are hiding it from yourself. That is, you’re hiding the fact of the pain as well as the reason for it. But the clue that the pain is there is the resentment. Because otherwise, there would be no reason to keep those resentments, right? Sure, they’re protective, but if you feel completely safe, then what do you have to protect? Does this make sense to you? There’s a piece missing from all the wonderful work you’ve done. And it’s hidden in order that you don’t quickly toss it out. It is hidden to keep you safe, but you aren’t quite sure why. That is where soul-searching is needed. And it isn’t easy. After all, it’s hidden enough that you yourself don’t know what exactly is in hiding. But it comes out just enough for everyone else to feel it and know there’s something going on. And that is why it takes the knowledge and sensitivity of a therapist who knows exactly how to gently unearth the hidden stuff. Gently and with your own permission every step of the way. What I have experienced is that trust in the safety of being with your therapist builds up over time. And when you and all the parts of you feel safe enough, you’re ready to expose the pain that’s been in hiding, covered up with resentment.
Dr. Deb Hirschhorn is a Marriage and Family Therapist. If you want help with your marriage, begin by signing up to watch her Masterclass at https://drdeb. com/myw-masterclass.
