JEWISH INTEREST
January 2024
Federation Star
5A
Coming to terms with a new reality – “I’ll never be a bubby!” Aging Jewishly — What our traditions teach us about growing old By Rabbi Barbara Aiello
"L
isten to this!” Julie who stepped in to help raise looked up from her daughter after Langmuir’s her tablet screen husband’s untimely death. As and motioned for her husshe recalls her own experiband, Sandy, to join her at ences with loving grandparthe kitchen table. “Look ents, Ms. Langmuir says “I here. At least we’re not never imagined that I would alone. We won’t be the only not be a grandmother.” ones without grandkids. It But like so many others, says right here that lots of Ms. Langmuir learned to young couples don’t want to accept that she is now part have children.” of a club she never wanted to Rabbi Barbara Sandy frowned and shook join. “A relative calls us the Aiello his head. “It’s so strange,” he “infertile grandmothers,” — said. “We have two grown children, both women who long for grandchildren but married and successful. I never thought are learning to come to terms with the in a million years that they’d decide not harsh reality that becoming a bubby or to have children. I’ll never be a zayde,” zayde was not to be. Sandy said as tears welled up in his eyes. Julie and Sandy can relate. “After our Julie rubbed his shoulders. “I know. No kids got married, in those early years zayde for you and no bubby for me.” we’d hint around about how ‘baby Julie and Sandy are struggling to come makes three’!” Finally, our daughter sat to terms with a phenomenon that has us down and asked that we cut out the affected grandparenting nationwide, and innuendo. She explained that she and the numbers don’t lie. her husband had made their careers their In her article, “Solace for ‘Never To Be’ priority and that children just weren’t in Grannies,” (Family, Nov. 7, 2023), jourthe picture.” nalist Renee Langmuir unearthed what Many adult children feel the same many would term troubling statistics. way. The Jewish website Simpleto Langmuir found that in the U.S., 60.4% Remember.com reminds us that “Statisof women ages 25-29 tically, we know that and 38.5% of women Jews marry later than ages 30-34 are childless other Americans and “I never imagined — facts that personfor Jewish women, late that I would not ally hit home for Ms. marriage means lower Langmuir, a wannabe rates of fertility combe a grandmother.” granny herself. She pared with other Cau~Renee Langmuir writes, “Grandparents casian women.” And have had an outsized a lower fertility rate role in my life. No, I translates into fewer was not blessed with four doting “Grans.” births, resulting in many potential grandI only had three: one disinterested grandparents never realizing their dreams. parent … and two who primarily spoke What follows is a pervasive sense of Yiddish and whose hearts were scarred by loss when parents of adult children realthe Holocaust.” ize that loving and caring for one’s own Renee Langmuir recalls that the grandgrandchildren is a joy that many potential parents she valued most were the four bubbys and zaydes will never experience.
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For Jewish families, the sense of loss is compounded by tradition. Jews are profoundly connected to “l’dor v’dor” — “from generation to generation,” which emphasizes “Grandparents are much more than older relatives. Grandparents are links in the endless chain of generations, both stretching back in history and reaching forward to future generations. They are conduits of wisdom, love and support. Experts confirm what history already proves: loving grandparents are among the major positive shapers of Jewish identity.” (Doorways.org) “Where do we go from here?” asks Sandy, Julie and so many other disappointed grandparents-in-waiting. Psychologists warn against pressuring adult children to explain their childless choice. Confrontations, judgmental comments, thinly veiled criticisms and even inappropriate jokes risk shattering family relationships and can lead to estrangement. Instead, experts advise a more positive approach. If grandchildren are not in the picture, consider how you can create your own legacy by making a lasting contribution to society. If carrying on the family name is important, consider choosing one particular charity and regularly contribute in your own name. If you long for a baby to cuddle, volunteer in a neonatal unit or become a foster grandparent. Use your nurturing
skills to visit isolated seniors or, with your friends who are grandparents, organize an outing so that you can share in the joy of engaging with lively and curious little ones. Finally, if passing on Jewish traditions is important to you, volunteer in a Jewish day school, at Sunday school events or spend time with the children in a synagogue’s after-school program. For so many would-be grandparents not to have the joy of grandchildren has brought profound sadness, a sense of loss and confusion as to how to cope. For them, Ms. Langmuir advises acceptance when she emphasizes, “Ultimately, the decision about whether I will become a grandmother is 100% out of my control. It is up to my children.” How to cope? Rabbi Nachman of Breslau said it best when he declared, “It is a great mitzvah to be happy” and “It is forbidden to be sad.” Rabbi Nachman’s teaching acknowledges that struggle and sadness are inevitable but even negative emotions can motivate us to accept life on life’s terms and carry on. For 10 years, Rabbi Barbara Aiello served the Aviva Campus for Senior Life as resident rabbi. Her most popular columns are now published in her new book, “Aging Jewishly,” available on Amazon books. Rabbi Barbara now lives and works in Italy, where she is rabbi of Italy’s first Reconstructionist synagogue. Contact her at rabbi@rabbibarbara.com.
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