iwokeUPto comparision
by Lucinda Christian Bunn
I woke up at 3:51 the other morning to the shit talk going on in my head. The night before, I had seen the latest issue of amuse magazine. The issue’s theme was about being women and how we own our power. Asked to contribute a piece, I was excited and up for the task. I worked hard to put a long lifetime into 350 words and was proud of my finished work. That is, until I saw it next to the others and their stories of strength and power. I abandoned myself and quickly went into comparison mode.” She is more articulate. I look so old in my photos. Look at her beautiful art. AND she is a good writer too!?!” I have had great success in recent times NOT going into judgment of myself or others. But if left to snowball, and I am critical or jealous of me and others, “they have ‘it’ Lucinda, you don’t” is the driving force within. That never ends well. There's always someone better at “it” - someone more skilled, someone smarter, someone richer, someone prettier, someone younger, someone more successful. This reaction was painful. A red flag that I was in trouble. That critical voice wants to keep my life small. “Let’s just stay home. Watch Netflix. That way, no one can hurt us.” It prefers safety and isolation to connection and life. It is terrified that if I leave it behind, it will no longer exist. And at times, it has wanted to take me out-for good. And without buying me dinner first. Somewhere in my youth and childhood, I received a
amuse | 21
