postpartum depression by Kerri Ann Sansom
All I remember was the darkness. It’s like my
illness I was suffering from. The fact of the matter
body and my mind were not connected. They
is that my life felt like it was unrecognizable. I felt
were two entities performing two exhausting
like I was an outsider witnessing a derailment of
tasks at one time. My body was taking a cluster
sorts and I couldn’t do anything to course correct.
of cells and turning them into eyeballs and toe
Words I thought but never shared at the time:
nails, while in my head there were intrusive
“what the hell have I gotten myself into”, “I really
thoughts, suicidal ideations on a weekly basis,
screwed up”, “I have chosen to have a child and
and a frequent bleak numbness that consumed
I’m not even happy about it. I am FOR SURE
my soul. This should have been the most exciting
going to screw this kid up”. An unfit mother is all
time of my life! But it was just black. I had no idea
I saw when I looked in the mirror. That, along with
what was happening to me but my hormones
an exhaustive condemnation with every pound I
took me on a roller coaster I was not prepared
gained, or lost for that matter. There were days
for, and little did I know, it wasn’t going to stop
when I didn’t leave my bed and I wholeheartedly
anytime soon.
believed that I was going to dehydrate myself if I
I knew that postpartum depression was a
didn’t stop crying.
thing, but I was not aware of how prevalent it
Biologically speaking we know that our
was, or that it can start while your baby is still in
estrogen and progesterone are at the highest
the womb. The sobering fact is that 1 in 7 women
levels before birth and then plummet to their
fall victim to this. That might not sound like a lot
lowest shortly after. Our bodies are flooded with
so let me put that into perspective. There were
oxytocin to help us bond with our babies. But the
3.6 million women who gave birth in 2020.
cultural disconnect between the expectations
That means that over 500,000 women that year
and the reality of what mothers are dealing
suffered from postpartum depression. All while
with is enough to send us all into a downward
trying to enjoy one of the most precious gifts this
mental spiral, and makes it increasingly difficult
life has to offer.
to not only talk about our struggles, but more
I could list the outside stressors that I was
importantly ask for help!
dealing with at the time, but I just don’t want to
I didn’t have a traditional baby shower
minimize or dismiss the ubiquitous nature of the
because it just isn’t my style. But what sounds more
amuse | 27
