Favourites June 2017
about the author
Matthew 
 Conacher I decided to write this monthly publication in order to practice my review writing and photoshop skills. Through sharing some of my favourite foods, products, and music I can impart my impeccable taste all while building a portfolio. I don't want to have to pimp myself out in order to afford Kombucha, so thank-you for reading and hopefully somebody someday will hire me.
what I’m drinking
5
4
2
1 3
2
1
available at
available at
Visualize a pile of dandelions marinated in 2L of Sprite. Look tasty? Bottle Green’s sparkling elderflower water tastes like a refreshingly sweet mix of Sprite and rose-water. This flowery beverage is very grandiose and you should be prepared to be judged if you choose to drink this in public. From it’s bottle, which looks uncharacteristically alcoholic, to it’s name, which sounds Indigenous, this drink is one of a kind. Caution: this drink sells for like 4.6 million CAD so don't blame me if you think it tastes like dandelion water.
No lie this drink changed me. If you're tired of accidentally blacking out and puking on your friend’s mom’s van from the dreaded Black Fly or Four Loko, this might just be the drink for you. With a hint of mint, this tangy, citrusy concoction is perfect by the beach, the lake, or chugged in the washroom at a pre while the uber is waiting outside. This drink comes to us from the company Georgian Bay Vodka which infamously brought us the 81% vodka that has since been recalled from the LCBO, #LIT. 4
3
available at
available everywhere
Feel and look just like a proletariat who received their well-fare cheque, with San Pellegrino sparkling water. While sporting this iconic green bottle, be prepared to be asked “Where can an Oakville mom like me acquire one of those?”, “Are you famous?”, and even “How was your trip to the Italian countryside?”. If you enjoy the taste of water that has been sitting outside for 4 days and then was injected with CO2 , crack open a cold Pellegrino because this is the beverage for you.
5
Stimulate the Canadian economy by buying this wine from British Columbia. This is a good wine. Priced a little bit higher than your run of the mill Cab Sauv, you may have to save your dimes to afford this beauty. Uncork and enjoy with your mom, your tinder date, or even your accounting tutor. With hints of dark chocolate, blackberries, barnyard dirt, and a literal oak tree, this wine is not a great wine for people who don't like wine.
available at
If you’ve ever wanted to drink blueberry pancake flavoured fermented tea beverage, I might have found what you have been looking for. I am not sure why I continue to use this metaphor, but this drink tastes like Sprite that has been left out in the sun for two weeks which was then combined in a blender with fourteen blueberries and a splash of NoName brand maple syrup. With that being said, if you have tummy issues, want to feel renewed, and are rich enough to drop $5 on one bottle, try Rise Kombucha today!
what I’m eating
crackers
2
4
1
3
1
If you're interested in experiencing what it is like to live as a bird, this is the cracker for you. Made with brown rice, quinoa, flax and sesame seeds these crackers will bless your insides and cure any illnesses you have. Despite looking and tasting like bird seed, this cracker is truly revolutionary for the Gluten Free community. As an organic, gluten free, non-GMO, vegan, and kosher cracker, Mary’s Gone will leave you feeling happy, energized, and as pompous an Oakville mom. 2
Ok yes, “Lesley Stowe” does sound like the name of a middle aged vice-principal in the suburb of Whitby, Ontario. However, this cracker will change you emotionally and transform you as a person more than any vice-principal ever will. If you like Kalamata olives and California figs (or at least pretend to in order to fit within the pretentious demographic) these crackers will leave you in awe. Paired with a slice of brie and a drizzle of honey, these Raincoast Crisps will make you the star of your next potluck. Warning: these crackers look like your Vegan friend’s dried up fecal matter so buyer beware. 3
I have nothing to say about Carr’s Table Water Crackers other than they are delicious and do not taste like water or a table.
4
Is Blue Diamond not the name of a dog food company? Either way these Nut Thins could quite possibly be actual dog food. If you're allergic to nuts and want to end the pain and suffering you feel as a direct result of being ugly and unemployed for the summer, these crackers might be your best bet. Full disclosure these crackers are gross by themselves yet made the list of my favourite crackers to eat because of their potential when paired with dips. A nice Baba ghanoush or roasted red pepper hummus will elevate these crackers from “dog treat” to “bourgeois eat”.
what I’m eating
salsa
This salsa is mad gross. It’s almost as if the team at Newman’s Own was preparing regular salsa and accidentally poured a pineapple mango smoothie into the mix. This is nasty. This logo is cultural appropriation and I want justice. Paul Newman, owner of Newman’s Own, should be ashamed of this mango salsa nightmare. If you do however want authentic mango salsa, cut up a mango, some tomatoes, red onion, and cilantro and you’ll be amazed how much better it is than this salsa. Sure, 100% of profits go to charity, but putting your body through what Newman’s Own will put you through is not worth the endeavour.
Trying to impress your friends without offending the entire Mexican race? Neal Brothers Foods Tomatillo Salsa is a unique blend of tomatillos (tomato imposters), jalapeño, lime juice, garlic, and a ton of salt. This salsa won my affection with its delicious taste and interesting mouth feel. This salsa will trick your friends into thinking you have a good taste in ethnic food. Enjoy with blue-corn tortilla chips so your friends REALLY think you’re indie.
what I’m listening to 5
1
2
3
4 10
6
7
8
9
11
12
1 - Crack-Up / Fleet Foxes 2 - Still Not Over You - Single / Klyne 3 - Melodrama / Lorde 4 - Teenage Emotions / Lil Yachty 5 - American Teen / Khalid 6 - Saw You In a Dream - EP / The Japanese House 7 - 3:33am / Amber Mark
13
14
8 - Know No Better - EP / Major Lazer 9 - Apricot Princess / Rex Orange County 10 - Majid Joran / Majid Jordan 11 - Ctrl / SZA 12 - In Undertow - Single / Alvvays 13 - Thinking of a Place - Single / The War on Drugs 14 - HNDRXX / Future
what I’m listening to Best Cry Fleet Foxes’ If You Need to, Keep Time on Me wins the illustrious title of Matthew Conacher’s “Best Cry of the Month”. As the title of the award states, this song will make you cry. If you have a heart, have been hurt by anyone, love anyone, have human emotions, or even speak or understand English, this song will trigger you so hard you will cry. The kind guitar strumming will comfort you as you sob into your favourite pint of ice cream over the girl who rbombed your Instagram DM.
Grooviest Track Saying the track “Lose My Cool” is a banger would be an understatement. With tropical rhythms, this song will transport you out of the dirty Ontario climate and into paradise. The song’s hard piano beat leads up to a drop which will have you shook. Before listening to Amber Mark’s Lose My Cool please perform some hip stretches because this song will have you shaking your hips pretty violently.
Favourite Album This is a weird album. At the very least give this album a chance. “Location” singer Khalid delivers an album of unique and groovy tracks. Not to be confused with DJ Khaled, Khalid is not rich nor does he worship his child the way DJ Khaled does. On this album, I particularly enjoyed the songs 8TEEN, Winter, and Hopeless. Email me if you didn't like this album so I can fight you.
Honourable Mentions
where I’m eating
Port is as good as it gets in Durham Region. As the closest thing to fine dining in Durham, Port surprises customers with its beautiful interior, stunning views of the lake, and exquisite menu. Located on the water in Pickering, Ontario, Port may be the perfect destination for a quiet night out. With many options, its menu is sure to have something for everyone. Pictured to the right: frites (too salty), steak tar tar (perfection), and buffalo fried chicken (truly iconic).
what I’m spending my money on
3
4
2
1
1
2
1L bottle for $56.00
With menthol and caffeine, this body wash will help you feel #woke. Silicon, Sulfate, and Paraben-free, Kiehl’s Body Fuel leaves my body feeling fresh, clean, and smelling like a spa that almost passed their health and safety certification. This product was expensive to say the least and I will probably be returning to a normal person body wash upon using up every last drop of this.
3
76 oz stick for $35.00
Have you ever been to the Mandarin Buffet Restaurant? No lie, this deodorant smells like The Mandarin Restaurant and I have yet to decide if that is a good or a bad thing. If you too are interested in not smelling like Axe Body Spray and have a refined sense of smell or want to smell like an asian buffet - but also fresh, this is the product for you. Priced high to deter poor people, this deodorant will allow other rich, influential people to detect if you too are Bourgeois. 4
25 oz bottle for $58.00
If you're a jewish girl who currently attends Western University or one who plans on attending, the S’well bottle is Fall’s newest fashion accessory. Do you like cold water? With 24 hours of cold keeping capabilities, this bottle will help quench your thirst no matter how thirsty you are on Instagram. It’s also insulated for heat, so if you're in the 1% of the world who likes drinking hot chocolate 12 hours after making it, you’re in luck.
4 pack for $129.99
Where is your wallet right now? Imagine having the ability to geo-track the whereabouts of anything via your iPhone! Well good news, your prayers have been answered my friend. Tile Slim is a product that lets you track anything utilizing bluetooth technology. Want to find out where your wife has actually been going every Wednesday when she told you she was going to Yoga? Interested to see what your valet actually does with your car while you're at the country club? All of your creepy stalking fantasies can come to fruition with the purchase of the Tile Slim.