Masculine Identity Confusion

wasn’t going to work for me to meet his father. Then at the last minute he pulled out of the

wedding because, “something came up.” This is all just numb and serial to me as I say this. I

try to deal with non-emotions. I am so detuned to it. Generally I think I deal well with my

emotions but it is strange that I feel so numb about this. It is like I feel nothing - just a blank

non-feeling.

I grew up wondering if one of my brothers would ever use this against me. It only

happened once. I am crying as a tell this. My brother said during a fight, “He is not your real

dad you know”. I had prepared myself for this for years. I grew up expecting it but I still

reacted and stumbled. I didn’t know what to say. But my dad was right behind the door and

immediately stopped it. I never forgot that. He called my brother out. He said you will never

do that again; such a strong defense of me. It still makes me cry. My dad is large and I just

loved it when he defended me like that.

My way of coping was to just be invisible. Just be alone and don’t be seen. I have not

felt safe for much of my life. Some of my friends would say they are afraid of their own

shadow but I am afraid that if I turn around I won’t have a shadow. I still don’t have a sense of

what this all means to me as a boy or as a man. I don’t really think about what it means to be a

man, I think of myself as a person. As a person I have struggled with acceptance, rejection,

identity, and confidence (among other things). I have always felt this weird need for

acceptance and insecurity and don’t really know why. Conversely, in my life there has been no

other higher form of friendship to me than loyalty and feeling defended. I am experimenting

with tracing these back

to the absence of my biological father.

The Process of Recovery

I didn’t directly enter therapy knowing this was an issue. I started looking for

mentorship and doing family genograms in undergrad. When my parents got divorced when I

was 19 it was like all remaining absolutes went out the window for me. I began some soul

searching. Even a year before this I was craving a sense of identity. I wanted to know who I

was so I could know what to do in life. I was uncomfortable doing the basic normal things in

life more than anyone else I knew. I quit university after a semester and traveled the world. I

saw 30 countries and latched onto people who seemed to have something good to offer me in

terms of answers and experience.

I started counselling more because of patters of anxiety and my need for acceptance.

The thing that kept me coming back to the therapist was how understood I could feel. One of

the most healing events in therapy was when, at the right moment, a counsellor asked me

where I find rest. I blabbed on about, who knows what, for who knows how long, and he

countered with that same question. At first it seemed out of left field but eventually it hit me

and I realized how restless I am and much of my ambition is driven by a desire to feel seen and

accepted by people. I realized that at the end of the day, I feel exhausted because I haven’t

done anything for myself. At that time, I even choose hobbies based on what other people

liked not based on what I liked. Realizing this changed my modus operandi and it took me 2

years to work out how to feel motivated about things that give me satisfaction. I began to

shape my identity around things that felt good and around things that I liked and valued. I

began to link my identity and personhood with my internal wants and likes. I remember going

on a date at this time and experimenting with it. Instead of just looking at the date for what the