Transformation of Masculine Identity

young adult I played the role of a savvy, somewhat reckless, impulsive guy and found that that

attracted some women. Underneath that I was very insecure, but would do anything to hide

that.

When I did get a job my boss was a big, very, very powerful model of a man. I wanted to be

like him. I didn’t know how to be a man but he sure seemed to have it down. The trouble with

him was that he manipulated those around him to do what was best for him. I watched as he

left a trail of hurt people in his wake. I was one of them. I picked the wrong kind of guy to try

to model myself after. The guy was a sociopath but that is what I thought I should be as a

man; powerful, in control, in charge, non-caring, and non-emotional.

Early in my marriage my wife wanted me to go for help because of my flirting with

other women. That is an understatement. I messed around. I didn’t go for help because I was

afraid it would get back to the university where I was studying to be a social worker and a

therapist.

Studying and then becoming a therapist made it difficult for me to enter therapy at first

because I was afraid of people knowing what I was doing. I thought for sure I would be

reported to the college if I went in for therapy. I was scared shitless of ruining my career. I

finally entered therapy with my wife when I was in my 50’s. It was at her initiative. I felt

compelled to go because I was guilty about my affairs and I was afraid I would lose her if I

didn’t go. Over time I found relief in talking about some of the difficult truths I had been

hiding from and lying about.

At first I felt heard and understood. In retrospect I can see that the therapist was

unskilled in working with couples. He met with us separately and in the end I felt he was

pretty judgemental toward me and seemed to see my wife as a victim. He failed to see that my

wife had some part in us getting to this desperate place. In the end our marriage failed and we

were divorced. I lost that relationship with my wife and I lost my relationship with my kids. I

was a lot like my dad. I drank too much. I was not there for them the way they needed me. I

tried but I realize now how impoverished I was. Those relationships are still not what I wish

they could be. The Process of Recovery

After that all my experiences of seeking help were at my initiative and were based on

my awareness that I had a lot of unfinished business from the past plus difficulties or at least

limitations in current relationships. I also knew lots of people in the business of offering

therapy and now it seemed pretty easy for me to seek help. A few years later I entered training

in a therapeutic method known as Hakomi. The training process was done in a group setting

with all of us taking our turns as client or therapist in one on one situations. I participated in

training weekends and week-long retreats over a period of approximately 3-4 years. This work

helped me to understand how wounded and fearful I was, how that determined much of my

behaviour. This got me started on making changes in my life.

What made this experience work for me was the way our leader and his colleagues

consistently demonstrated that they held no judgement on us, were compassionate about our

wounds and our self-defeating behaviour, knew something about how to help us heal

ourselves and, in the process, become better healers. There was also a pretty consistent

feeling of in the group of “we’re all in this together”.

I think the most healing event was for me was the ongoing, consistent experience of

being heard and received with understanding and compassion. There were many such events

over time. I came to know, love and understand the wounded parts of me and developed

more productive ways of dealing with all that (i.e. conscious awareness allows you to stop

“acting out”).

A few years later I married a woman I met in this training. We have shared a similar

therapeutic experience as we were trained in a method of couple counselling known as “Imago

Therapy”. This has taught us to be direct in dealing with issues in our relationship and has

given us very practical skills in doing this. Once early in our relationship I became annoyed

and raised my voice My wife stopped me and said that if you raise your voice with me we will

not continue in our relationship. I knew she wasn’t kidding. She called it and would not let the

relationship be about power. I needed to learn other ways of dealing with my anger and talking

though conflict. I appreciate my wife and the relationship we have so much now. I am very

grateful. I have this sense of pride. I am blessed by all my relationships now.

Maybe 3-4 years ago I saw a therapist with the hope I might learn how to better

improve or deal with my somewhat limited relationships with my kids and perhaps deal with

some of the negative self-judgement and guilt I lived with. He was a very nice guy, wise,

experienced, but I think I kept waiting for him to challenge me to go deeper, into what I’m

not sure. That didn’t happen and we agreed to stop after 5-6 sessions.

Over the past two years I have been on a path of spiritual awakening and healing.

Over time, my experience in my church and with my spiritual director (we meet monthly) has

helped me to have a sense of my spiritual core and a sense of profound support through my

relationship with a loving God and my church community. This provides a basis for ongoing

work with the

question of who am I, who do I want to be and what values will guide me? The result is that I

feel much clearer about my purpose in life and how I can go forward day to day in fulfilling

that purpose. This has helped my marriage and my relationship with my kids. The possibility

of arriving at a sense of resolution with my “Ex” has given me greater peace within myself. I

feel like I have a consistent core to work from and a very happy sense of being accountable

for who I am.

There was this powerful guy I met early on in therapy. He was a different kind of man.

He didn’t use people. He could tear up when he hurt and he knew how to show compassion.

He saw into me and challenged me to drop the bullshit. I felt loved by him. I learned a whole

new orientation about what it could be to be a man. He listened to me and helped me develop

my own values and I become self-determining. I learned to listen to my insides and become

the man I wanted to be. I developed my own framework. I listened to the feedback of others

but I listened from the framework of, “Who do I want to be?” In the past I would ask, “Who

am I?” “What does it mean to be a man?” Now I just look inside and reflect on, “What kind of

man do I want to be?” I evaluate how I am doing from my own template. At the end of our

group one of the young guys Robert came up to me and said, “I think I would like you to be

my dad.” That for me is a lovely moment and a deep complement. It helps me because I can

see I am growing and I have overcome many of the injuries. I can be a model for other men

and that is exciting.

Cross Narrative Analysis

After transcribing, analyzing, editing and writing the narratives an across narrative

thematic analysis was conducted. Each narrative was independently re-read several times and

meaning units were separated. Patterns of the process of recovery emerged and meaning units

organized around these patterns. Common patterns within the recovery process emerged and

these represented shared themes across each of the participants’ narratives. In the following

section I present the patterns of recovery for the men who have been injured in their

relationship with their fathers as represented in this study. The recovery process for these men

involves a six stage progressive pattern: 1) Awareness of the injury; 2) Preparation to enter

the process of recovery; 3) The value of the therapeutic relationship; 4) Facilitation of

emotional expression while processing memories of the injury; 5) Developing internal and

relationship skills for daily living; 6) Transformation of the self and masculine identity.

Process of Recovery Pattern 1: Awareness of the Injury

All six of the participants engaged in the discourse of describing the circumstances,

situations and results that came with their awareness that they were injured by their fathers.

These injuries include; neglect, rejection, emotional abuse, physical punishment and abuse,

drug abuse, involvement in criminal activity, and invitations to engage in inappropriate sexual

activities. These seem to organize as three kinds of injuries: Rejection and neglect; violent

and frightening actions and demeaning and critical words. This is coupled with two kinds of

result: Identity confusion and masculine identity confusion.

Rejection and neglect.

Various forms of neglect and rejection play a significant part of each participant’s

experience. Cory described his father as, “always busy with work” and “most of my memories

are of him rejecting me”. Cory recalls that specific event to explain the neglect he remembers.

“Once when I was 12 years old my father and I were hiking in the wilderness. I had a

compass, a box of matches and a chocolate bar. At one point in the hike he just told me to take