Developmental Trauma

Dean remembers a violent event that deeply affected him, “I was pre-school age, 4-5,

when my father first significantly injured me. I had a problem not wanting to go to the

bathroom so I consistently messed my diapers /underpants. One day my father got so

frustrated that he yelled, ‘if you like it so much, eat it’ and he shoved my own shit into my

mouth.” Danny talked about the fear that he felt because of the way his father approached

discipline. “One time I bit my sister on the arm, my dad bit me for it. When I demolished my

sister’s toy, he took my favourite

toy and me out to the driveway, and drove over it; crushing it in his truck while I watched.

Not a lot of sensitivity in the way he went about discipline.”

Demeaning comments.

In addition to the violent and frightening actions some participants talked about

subtle and pervasive forms of critical statements. For example, Danny remembers that his

father’s nickname for him was “The Whip”. He remembers a time when he felt shame and

embarrassment, “My father, I still feel shame with this – he took me and his friend and his

friend’s father and I don’t know why but I went swimming in the ocean and when I came out

he was teasing me and I was embarrassed. It is hard to remember but it was like show us you

dick or something where I felt shame and embarrassment. He just kept heaping on the shame

and embarrassment while he was drinking.” Rick remembers his father arriving home after

long absences walking through the house calling to his mother, “Where is the goat.” When

he was older he challenged his father’s opinions and his father said to him, “When you are a

man you can speak to me like a man; as long as you're living here you will listen to me”.

Identity confusion.

As a result of these injurious actions of their fathers, participants described emotional

reactions such as confusion, aloneness, fear, sadness, anger, numbness, shame,

embarrassment, exposure and inadequacy. Much of the languages they choose to describe the

way the injury affected them indicated profound identity confusion and especially masculine

identity confusion.

Sid says his father’s absence resulted in a limited sense of himself. For example, he

said that, “His absence has left me at times feeling like I have invented a lot of my own

characteristics, cleverness, and mannerism. I grew up not feeling just like a fish out of water

but wondering if I am a fish at all.” As a person he feels afraid and confused, “as a person I

have

struggled with acceptance, rejection, identity, and confidence. I have always felt this weird

need for acceptance and insecurity. My way of coping was to just be invisible.” Sid vividly

captures his fears and confusion when he says, “Some of my friends would say they are afraid

of their own shadow but I am afraid that if I turn around I won’t have a shadow.”

Rick’s reaction at being sent to boarding school was charged with emotion, “I cried

and cried in disbelief.” “I felt so alone and scared shitless.” The result was the formation of

the belief that he didn’t matter. “It was like, fuck! I really don’t count! I broke down and felt

like such a child.”

Cory recalls the self-destruction of deep anger turned inward, “when I think about who

I was at that time I realize there was a civil war going on inside of me. It was anger turned

inward and very self-destructive.” Danny experienced overwhelming fear of his father’s

discipline, “I remember doing something bad and my mom was upset with me and she said,