Summary The Limitations of the Study157

masculinity a bit and grow some emotional balls.” As Dean reflects on the story he tells us,

“to be a man means I need to have love for my kids. Loving my kids is more important for me

than my own comfort, being a man means that I look for and provide opportunities for

communication. I need to be patient, share my feelings, ask questions, and keep open. That

kind of communication and being in relationships like that is an important part of being a

man.”

Rick recognizes that in therapy he learned a whole new orientation about what it could

be to be a man. “There was this powerful guy I met early on in therapy. He was a different

kind of man. He didn’t use people. He could tear up when he hurt and he knew how to show

compassion.

He saw into me and challenged me to drop the bullshit. I felt loved by him. I learned to listen

to my insides and become the man I wanted to be. I developed my own framework. I listened

to the feedback of others but I listened from the framework of who do I want to be.” Before

therapy Rick felt the injury in relationship to himself as a man and looked outside of himself

to find the answers to those questions. As he says, “In the past I would ask, “Who am I?”

“What does it mean to be a man?” Now I just look inside and reflect on what kind of man do

I want to be? I evaluate how I am doing from my own template."

Danny says that when he was a boy he was required to be tough and strong and he

couldn't fit into that. He was not able nor did he know how to ask for help. He felt isolated

and inadequate as a man and that became a core belief. This contrasted the view that he had

of his father as the ideal man. As I asked him to think about this he says, “I’m realizing that

my responsibility and taking charge of my own life feels like the active force of masculinity.

Not in that old box but outside of it. It comes from inside of me. To say, ‘I love my dad’ and

that breaks down that old social rule where I was not allowed to say that.” Danny recognizes

that he has gotten to know and accept a different part of himself. He searches for words to

give shape to some of his new reflections, “It is an ironic masculinity because it takes

courage for me as a man to say, ‘I love my dad’. This is a juicy part of this for me that I am

seeing here now.

Courage and compassion – they are a curious mix. It is an ironic masculinity where it takes so

much courage to be open hearted and compassionate especially with other men.”

As Robert reflects on who he sees in the story he says, “I see a boy who is

powerless, susceptible to injury, abuse, and neglect. But I also see a boy who is resilient

flexible and adaptive. I see myself as an amazing man who has been through many

psychologically emotionally and physically demanding experiences and yet I’m still

perseverant.” Robert

recognizes that his story tells us that being a man is not about meeting popular social

expectations, what society and media depicts. Nor is it about what he was taught when he was

young. He says, “Men are emotional and need nurture, love, support and acceptance. The

rough and tough Marlborough man is not actually ideal and really hurts men. It keeps them

from being human and keeps them from healing.”

Cory told us that he was grateful and he now likes himself and he likes his life. Cory

creatively illustrates through metaphor his story and that he now has as a clear sense of

direction and a better understanding of who he is. “The question who I am is no longer there.

I'm in a place where I can live with shit when it happens. In the beginning of my story I'm in a