masculinity a bit and grow some emotional balls.” As Dean reflects on the story he tells us, “to be a man means I need to have love for my kids. Loving my kids is more important for me than my own comfort, being a man means that I look for and provide opportunities for communication. I need to be patient, share my feelings, ask questions, and keep open. That kind of communication and being in relationships like that is an important part of being a man.” Rick recognizes that in therapy he learned a whole new orientation about what it could be to be a man. “There was this powerful guy I met early on in therapy. He was a different kind of man. He didn’t use people. He could tear up when he hurt and he knew how to show compassion.
He saw into me and challenged me to drop the bullshit. I felt loved by him. I learned to listen to my insides and become the man I wanted to be. I developed my own framework. I listened to the feedback of others but I listened from the framework of who do I want to be.” Before therapy Rick felt the injury in relationship to himself as a man and looked outside of himself to find the answers to those questions. As he says, “In the past I would ask, “Who am I?” “What does it mean to be a man?” Now I just look inside and reflect on what kind of man do I want to be? I evaluate how I am doing from my own template." Danny says that when he was a boy he was required to be tough and strong and he couldn't fit into that. He was not able nor did he know how to ask for help. He felt isolated and inadequate as a man and that became a core belief. This contrasted the view that he had of his father as the ideal man. As I asked him to think about this he says, “I’m realizing that my responsibility and taking charge of my own life feels like the active force of masculinity.
