Process of Recovery Pattern 4: Facilitation of Emotional Expression While Processing Memories of the Injury

answers if I would feel more comfortable. I would have wished for something from him but I

don’t know what it is and I know I can’t expect it.

One of the other gentleman said he felt angry when he heard my dad cancelled out on

the wedding. It is interesting but I feel nothing. I still don’t know. I still feel distance from my

own emotional response to that. I think one day it might cause me to feel angry but I still

don’t know

why. I liked it that he felt angry on my behalf. That feels helpful because I feel so confused in

that place. I know now that my place of recovery is trying to emotionally connect with what

this all means. The main thing I get right now is the question, “Who am I?” I need to get to

know a sense of self that I believe in. That is hard when I know that my biological dad is not

going to be a help in that. Therapy has helped me see the injury. Counselling has helped me

consider the question “Who am I?” and realize that the question, “Who do I want to be?” is a

part of my answer. I now see the process of developing a sense of my identity as more central

to my recovery. It is nice to consider who I am in the story. I feel warmth coming from myself

and I like looking at myself – seeing myself. I feel compassion. I see the person in my story as

someone who is reaching, trying to find something. I am reaching for answers and reaching

for an identity.

I see myself in some ways like a little boy who is still asking 7 or 8 year old questions.

I have words now that help frame my questions. “My identity?” “My origins?” I respect my

own journey and I can hear myself in the story. I really like seeing myself from this angle. I

have tears of pride for myself when I see what I am doing here examining myself like this.

This is a rare feeling that I feel for myself right now doing this. I am moving along in the story

even now as I look at myself in my story. I am seeing who I am. I have to pause right here. I

need to stop and realize that looking at myself in my story like this is moving me along in the

story; moving me along right now! I like this! The guy in my story could not have said this

stuff 5 years ago. I feel touched with feelings of hope.

I valued hearing what some of the stories the other guys shared. Some of these guys

seem to have carved a way - especially Cory and John. It is like they have cut out a path that I

might be able to follow. They have add-ons that I envision I need for myself. Now though, I

see

myself asking questions not out of a place of a broken self but out of a larger sense if

identity. I have a larger sense of who I am. I am starting to see that I do not need to be

limited by my patterns and triggers and this may not always define me. I can keep working

and one day they may no longer define who I am. In my future I need to shape my identity

around things I like, around people I like, and around people I want to be like.

RICK

The Injury

My relationship injuries in relation to my father took three main forms: separation for

long periods of time; being unable to win his attention and approval and experiencing

demeaning remarks that made me feel small. I was three years old when my father left to join

the air force. He was home occasionally for two or three day visits until his service ended six

years later. I remember him coming home on those visits in his uniform and hugging my mom.

I just watched. I was not in it. I felt little, small and needy. I just wanted to be loved and held

like that by him, but that didn’t happen.