young adult I played the role of a savvy, somewhat reckless, impulsive guy and found that that attracted some women. Underneath that I was very insecure, but would do anything to hide that. When I did get a job my boss was a big, very, very powerful model of a man. I wanted to be like him. I didn’t know how to be a man but he sure seemed to have it down. The trouble with him was that he manipulated those around him to do what was best for him. I watched as he left a trail of hurt people in his wake. I was one of them. I picked the wrong kind of guy to try to model myself after. The guy was a sociopath but that is what I thought I should be as a man; powerful, in control, in charge, non-caring, and non-emotional. Early in my marriage my wife wanted me to go for help because of my flirting with other women. That is an understatement. I messed around. I didn’t go for help because I was afraid it would get back to the university where I was studying to be a social worker and a therapist. Studying and then becoming a therapist made it difficult for me to enter therapy at first because I was afraid of people knowing what I was doing. I thought for sure I would be reported to the college if I went in for therapy. I was scared shitless of ruining my career. I finally entered therapy with my wife when I was in my 50’s. It was at her initiative. I felt compelled to go because I was guilty about my affairs and I was afraid I would lose her if I didn’t go. Over time I found relief in talking about some of the difficult truths I had been hiding from and lying about.
At first I felt heard and understood. In retrospect I can see that the therapist was unskilled in working with couples. He met with us separately and in the end I felt he was
