ALPHA PHI ALPHA FRATERNITY, INC, MU LAMBDA CHAPTER
THE ECLECTIC JOYS OF AGEING
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By Brother Ryle Bell As I advance in years, I have discovered that old age is not for the weak, for the faint at heart nor for those who have great pride. You will discover that as you get older, doctors and nurses and scores of other people, will look up into, grope and poke every aperture in your body. If you are overly sensitive, it will be a great trial but If you have lost all pride, it becomes easy for you. You will even volunteer to present these orifices for distension as you really don’t care anymore who sees or what they see! We unfortunately live on a planet where gravity rules everything. Ladies, those beautiful perky eighteen-year-old boobs aren’t going to stay that way. In spite of sleeping in bras and only freeing the girls when you are supine, you might as well let them loose because they are still going to migrate towards your knees! Don’t be embarrassed. If yours have reached the stage where the nipples point at the ground and actually reach your navel, roll them up like venetian blinds and stuff them into the bra cup! No one will know and they’ll think that you have wonderful boobs for your age! Just be sure to turn the lights off before removing your bra when engaged in loving pursuits! You old guys, don’t sit there and grin. You know that you have those old man nuts that now swing
by your knees. You can’t just drop down and sit any more. You’ve got to shift the nuts, so you don’t sit on them! Anytime you hear an old man groan when he sits too fast and tells you that “Arthur” is visiting him, it isn’t “Arthur,” he just sat on his nuts because he was careless! Ladies, there is no greater pain known to man than that derived from sitting on his nuts. It challenges natural childbirth! Visions of my youthful exuberance in running alongside my bike and then jumping onto the saddle but not quite accounting for the space occupied by the baby batter bags and landing on them, recalls pain beyond compare. On the few times that I have been unfortunate to have misjudged, I was found sitting by the side of the road, bicycle discarded, soaked in perspiration moaning softly. Many an unwitting old lady seeing my desperation and thinking that I must have fallen and hurt myself, has offered to massage the abused area, not knowing where it was. The mere thought of being touched at that time reminds me of Richard Pryor’s description of having his skin washed after he was severely burned. “Oh no, no, don’t touch me don’t even breathe on me for if you do I am going to bite you!” You young men who are reading this and grinning, continued on the next page MU LAMBDA TORCH 2022
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