How to build a
strong relationship with your partner
A
By Melissa Davidson
h, the chemical high of being in love. There’s nothing quite like it is there? The rush of excitement, the feeling of wanting to spend every waking moment with this perfect person; it all just feels so good! Yet you likely know this stage of the relationship is fleeting. In fact, it’s just science, really. When we’re in this first stage of love, our neural pathways are lit up like a fireworks show. It’s all part of Mother Nature’s master plan to pair us up and make it feel great. But what happens when the sparks stop flying and the smoke clears? The next phase is nurturing contentment, but for many couples, the “fizzling out” brings with it many challenges, particularly when you throw a life-changing experience, like kids or illness, in the mix. Gail Nelson, individual and couples therapist at Journey Counseling, discusses how couples can navigate these changes.
Why do relationships often suffer after children? American culture can feel overly child-centered. In fact, even Dr. Ester Perel says that we spend too much time, money and energy on our kids. When we become parents, we get busy supporting a nurturing environment for them. While that’s a wonderful goal, it comes at a cost to the connection we have with our partner. We try to “get it all done” and sadly the work of checking in and supporting the needs of our partner doesn’t make the list. This causes a debt of time and energy that’s required to keep us connected.
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ON THE MINDS OF MOMS | OCTOBER • NOVEMBER 2021
We project that our partner knows what we are thinking and feeling as if we were one brain. We are two different people and part of the joy of a long-term relationship is watching and supporting your partner as they change and grow.
What are some of the warning signs that your relationship needs some attention? We know from research that a warning sign of conflict is tension. When you start to sense tension between you and your partner it will come with hesitation and holding back from saying what you think. Sometimes we may also use argument and upset rather than a gentle and easy listening voice. When we get to this level we are also more avoidant of connection with our partner. If you haven’t taken time alone with your partner — with no kids, phone or interruptions — you and your partner may quickly lose touch with one another as resentment and distance build.
