April/May 2021 On the Minds of Moms by on the minds of moms

APRIL | MAY 2021

Inside:

ONE COUPLE’S FOSTER CARE JOURNEY LED THEM TO THEIR FOREVER FAMILY | 26 The valley’s for today’s

CONTENT

IN EVERY ISSUE

CONTRIBUTORS.................................................... 4 EDITOR'S NOTE........................................................ 7 SHUTTERBUG............................................................ 24 RESOURCES

Connect, find help, get answers, make a difference....................................... 42

EVENTS..................................................................................... 43 READY, SET, GROW

Getting (and staying) organized is possible for kids of all ages............................................. 44

Taylor Jane Photography

ON THE MINDS OF MOMS | APRIL • MAY 2021

CONTENT

FEATURES & PROFILES MOD MOM

Melissa Schaff.................................................................................... 8

PELVIC FLOOR THERAPY

No, incontinence after childbirth is not something you need to live with............................. 14

PARENTING PERSPECTIVES

Parenting a child with special needs one heck of a trip.......................................................... 18

26 44

JUST A THOUGHT

This, too, shall pass . . . I promise...................................... 22

COVER STORY

How one couple’s foster care journey led them to their children and their forever family........................................................... 26

GOOD FOOD

Breakfast for dinner a customizable crowd-pleaser .............................................. 34

RAD DAD

Skyler Dutton.................................................................................. 38

ON THE MINDS OF MOMS | APRIL • MAY 2021

n the Minds of Moms is grateful to have the following women contributing their expertise and voice to this issue of the magazine.

CONTRIBUTORS

Melissa Davidson

ON THE MINDS OF MOMS | APRIL • MAY 2021

is a mom to three girls and writer for Click Content Studios, a marketing and video production agency. In addition to writing, she’s passionate about health and wellness, wishes she could get through all the non-fiction books out there, and thrives on learning new things, like the cello!

Alicia Strnad Hoalcraft is manager of integrated media operations production for Forum Communications. She lives in Moorhead with her spouse and their 7-year-old, Calliope. When she’s not working or parenting, she can be found reading, watching “Real Housewives” or painting.

Paula Quam works as managing digital editor of InForum. A Glyndon, Minn. native, Quam served as an Air Force broadcaster before moving "back home" to join the news business in Fargo, working in both TV and newspaper. She and her husband Donavon are the parents of four children — Parker, Oliver, Addison and Kaja — and they live in Detroit Lakes, Minn.

Jessica Rerick of Grand Forks is a freelance writer, trained chef and mom to four boys. Her food blog, wineandhotdish.com, is filled with recipes that quickly become new weeknight favorites. She also owns and operates Craveable Kitchen, an expanding line of dry mixes and seasonings.

Danielle Teigen is managing editor of On the Minds of Moms magazine as well as the author of two nonfiction local history books. She and her husband have three children who keep every day filled with laughter, craziness and caffeine.

Kathleen Wrigley is a wife, mom and advocate. She is made with equal amounts of grace and grit, with gobs of giggles and gratitude.

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moms@forumcomm.com PUBLISHER Forum Communications Company EDITOR Mary Jo Hotzler mhotzler@forumcomm.com MANAGING EDITOR Danielle Teigen danielle.teigen@forumcomm.com WRITERS Melissa Davidson Alicia Strnad Hoalcraft Paula Quam Jessica Rerick Danielle Teigen Kathleen Wrigley ADVERTISING Mark Von Bank adfeatures@forumcomm.com DESIGN AND LAYOUT Sara Slaby specialsections@forumcomm.com PHOTOGRAPHY Renee Clasen CONTENT INQUIRIES moms@forumcomm.com

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MISSION AND VISION On the Minds of Moms is dedicated to providing a community of local support and real-life advice for the modern mom who is on the go and needs to know. We are inspired to help the woman behind “the mom” balance it all by offering support, validation and reassurance she is a good mom wanting only the best for herself and family. On the Minds of Moms is an online community and magazine for and about local moms. We strive to achieve a balance between useful information and entertaining content. Written to serve as the local reading alternative to family magazines that are produced for a national audience.

On the Minds of Moms contains views from across the parenting spectrum. These views do not necessarily reflect those of the publisher. All activities listed in these pages are at your own risk and require appropriate supervision.

ON THE MINDS OF MOMS | APRIL • MAY 2021

Celebrating all moms, all year MARY JO HOTZLER

or many of us, Mother’s Day is one of the great markers of spring. Along with that comes a lot of chatter, especially on social media, about what makes a mom. More specifically, what makes a good mom.

and we truly hope this is a place where

I’ve never cared much for these conversations because in my mind, it’s impossible to define without being trite. Any attempt to do so will surely leave someone feeling they don’t measure up. I already feel that way enough.

Traci, being a mom is so much more

Sure, I snap at my kids almost daily, I don’t limit their screen time like I should, and I’m “not great” at making sure we have healthy home-cooked meals every night. Don’t even get me started on how much I loathe things like dishes, laundry and all the other domestic chores some might say a “good mom” should happily do for her family.

Mom profile which features Melissa

But am I actually a bad mom? I hope not. I’m definitely not perfect, but let’s not make that the standard.

to share or that you want to tell us about

In this edition of On The Minds of Moms — and really, all year round — we want to celebrate ALL moms, whatever that definition might be for you. Our standard isn’t perfection. No one gets extra points for being a Pinterest-perfect parent here,

mhotzler@forumcomm.com.

we can celebrate the many nuances that come with the title “Mom.” In this issue, be sure to check out our cover story on Traci Anderson. For than biology. She and her husband opened their hearts and homes to two foster children who joined their biological daughter in becoming their forever family. Then there’s our Mod Schaff. Melissa, like many area mothers, wears many hats, including author and business owner, and she’s honest about the struggles she had to finally become a mom. Do you know an area mom who should be featured in an upcoming edition of the magazine? Or, do you have a great story for a Mother’s Day feature? If so, I’d love to connect with you. Send me a note at

Mary Jo Hotzler is Forum Communications Company’s Chief Content Officer and the interim editor of On the Minds of Moms. She lives in Fargo with her husband Heath and twin boys.

ON THE MINDS OF MOMS | APRIL • MAY 2021

Melissa Schaff is a mom, author, wife, and owner of Inner Focus Reiki. Photo courtesy of English Photography

ON THE MINDS OF MOMS | APRIL • MAY 2021

Melissa Schaff FARGO, N.D.

MOD MOM

Energy and sass combine in one mom’s personality and profession

By Danielle Teigen

elissa Schaff is a force to be reckoned with. The banker-turned-Reiki practitioner holds

little back when she’s sharing her life story (and you can read all about it in her memoir, “One Plus One Makes Three”), and she’ll do it with so much energy and honesty that you can’t help but want to talk with her for hours. Her brutal honesty and vivacious personality are likely what draw people to her as a Reiki practitioner, empath, and medium because she’s willing to just say what’s in her mind, and more often than not, it’s exactly what people need to hear. Getting to this place of peace and contentment has been a long road for Melissa, a journey she describes with frankness in her memoir. She doesn’t hold back about how she decided to ask for a divorce from her “starter husband” when she realized his alcoholism and abusive ways weren’t going to change. She shares how just days after she finally summoned the courage to ask for a divorce, her job at the bank she’d worked at for 21 years had been eliminated. And she lays out all the details of how, at age 36, she received a devastating diagnosis of stage four cervical precancer. A friend urged her to reach out to a Reiki practitioner they both knew, so Melissa did.

Three months later, her doctor was gobsmacked when Melissa’s precancer was undetectable. As Melissa re-evaluated what she wanted out of her life, she realized that going back to a corporate job wasn’t the best path, but she wasn’t exactly keen on becoming a small business owner either. But she realized that her gifts of being a counselor, actor and nurse could be combined into one as a Reiki practitioner, so she opened her own practice, Inner Focus Reiki, 16 years ago. She credits the technique with not only healing her precancer, but also allowing her energy to lead her to her “forever husband”, Trinity. Falling in love with him allowed her to dream again about having a child of her own, but that process was complicated by myriad factors, not the least of which was her age. Melissa was 45 when she finally got pregnant and 46 when she gave birth to their daughter, Ceta. “The odds were super against me,” she says emphatically. Medical issues arose that prompted a change in her birth plan, but Melissa realized quickly those issues were all a part of a grander plan to ensure her baby arrived safely. That little baby is now 9 years old, and Melissa describes her daughter as a “fireball” who is “impassioned and small but mighty.” Melissa dedicated her book to her daughter, so that she may “understand the miracle” she is; ON THE MINDS OF MOMS | APRIL • MAY 2021

MOD MOM Melissa had always thought about writing a book but had never put pen to paper. Four years ago she was hosting a class on intuitive learning when a student walked into the room and mentioned she was picking up on energy related to a book, but didn’t know why. “ ‘That’s for me’ ” Melissa responded to her. So she wrote the book, self-published it, and can’t wait to write a second one, possibly about the struggles of marriage and what she’s learned. For now, she’s enjoying helping people through her practice, being a mom and wife, and maybe inspiring a person or two along the way. Check out more of what Melissa had to say below: You have such a fun and playful personality - where does that come from? I’m unique, that’s for sure. And I wake up like this; no alcohol or caffeine needed. And trust me, you do NOT wanna see me caffeinated. What three words best describe you? Sassy, classy, and a bit bad ass-y. What are some things people don’t know about you? My eyes change color. I bite my fingernails. I was professionally voiceover trained. The smell of fish/crustacean/ seafood makes me nauseous. Yes, really.

You have voiceover training? Tell me more about that! Years ago, after my banking career was eliminated, I decided I wanted to do voice-overs for local television and radio. Over the course of two years, I received training and when my instructor deemed I was ready, he sent me on my way. He also asked me to be in a movie he wrote, directed and filmed, something I loved doing since I adore being in the limelight. While the voice-over thing never panned out, I did learn how to craft a public-speaking and “phone” voice which have been very helpful through the years. What’s your best marriage advice? I’ve earned my stripes here, that’s for sure. I’ll offer what has worked for me: The first thing is to get rid of resentment; it’s a killer of relationships. Find something you love about that person and focus on that. Secondly, you’ve got to have tough, scary-as-all-hell, tinkle-in-your-pants vulnerable conversations with your mate. Thirdly (but not last), commitment. Marriage can be a safe place to heal old wounds so some of what you go through may be deeply painful emotionally. Decide if you can – or want – to work through the conflict. If you do, face the problem. Then, if the hurtful behavior stops, your

LEFT: Melissa’s daughter Ceta and husband Trinity have a special bond with one another. Photos courtesy of English Photography 10

ON THE MINDS OF MOMS | APRIL • MAY 2021

Melissa and Ceta show off their big personalities to one another. Photos courtesy of English Photography ON THE MINDS OF MOMS | APRIL • MAY 2021

MOD MOM

Trinity and Melissa have a 9-year-old daughter named Ceta. Photo courtesy of English Photography

marriage (and you) will have grown to become even more resilient. Side note: I can be a teensy bit of an avoider when it comes to unpleasant stuff like this. However, I’ve learned that if you ignore a problem, not only will it return (in this or another relationship), but it will multiply and be more difficult to resolve. Ouch. What are two or three things you must have if stranded on a deserted island? Easy! Burt’s Bee’s lip balm and an eyebrow (uhhh chin hair) tweezer. Can you teach people to be intuitive? Yes! Absolutely! The short answer is to ask the Universe to help you. Then, get out of your way. The Universe/angels want to communicate and will move mountains in response. Watch for repeating numbers or songs; angels love to communicate through them. How do you help people understand the power of the Reiki practice? Reiki (pronounced ray-key) isn’t voodoo or hocus pocus; it’s simply energy work that benefits everyone, regardless of religion, condition, or beliefs. Reiki is used in hospitals around the 12

ON THE MINDS OF MOMS | APRIL • MAY 2021

world, including Fargo. I’ve found that when I combine my validating intuitive information with the unconditional love that is Reiki, it’s a powerful one-two healing punch. My story, how and why I discovered Reiki, is a bona fide miracle and something I’ve written blogs – and a bestselling novel – about. Those that find me often share their personal stories with others, as well. If you’d like to know more about Reiki, my book, or me, visit www.innerfocusreiki.com. What is the greatest lesson you’ve learned during parenthood? That I’m forever and this (whatever we are going through) is temporary. Give me a proud - and not-so-proud - Mom moment. Proud: This is a case of when the student is ready the teacher will appear – Mini-me and I were looking through a coloring book when I remarked that her artwork was beautiful. She turned to me, touched my face gently, and with a look and voice full of sincerity said, “Mommy, you’re beautiful.” In that moment, as tears filled my eyes and my breath caught, I decided that I was going to see myself as she does.

MOD MOM Not so proud: My daughter, then seven, was throwing another notorious maditude when I lost my (beep). Throwing a full bucket of Legos on her bedroom floor, I snapped, “THERE!”, stomped out of the room, and theatrically slammed the door. The good that came from this is that once I calmed down, I apologized and let her know that even us moms make some not-so-good decisions. Oof. What is a benefit of having your daughter later in life?

pushing, and finally shoving me. I wanted to leave a legacy for our daughter, something tangible that she could learn from. I wanted her to understand all that went into her coming to us. I also wanted people to know they can’t fight fate – and to give them hope – by sharing a portion of my love, loss, and spiritual growth story. What is the most important lesson you want readers to learn from your book?

Despite what I wrote for my “not so proud Mom Moment,” I have more patience and am moderately less controlling (I’m a work in progress!). Based on her strong personality, I’m not sure either of us would have survived if she’d come earlier. Tell me about your book, “One Plus One Makes Three”.

Beauty follows pain. Always. How do you relax and unwind? While I have an outgoing personality, I’m really an introvert who quickly exhausts being out in the world. Sometimes I need oodles of snort-filled belly laughs. Other times – most times – I need

Writing a book was a pipe dream until souls, both astral and human, began nudging,

quiet and to be alone. And if I get a coveted nap, all the better.

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No, incontinence after childbirth is not something you need to live with Anyone can experience pelvic floor issues, even men.

By Melissa Davidson

kay, moms. Raise your hand if sneezing often equates

to peeing your pants. There are probably a lot of you with hands in the air right now. While incontinence is a thing that happens to a lot of women after carrying and birthing babies, it doesn’t have to be the status quo from there on out. There’s therapy for that. Yes, physical therapy geared specifically toward getting what’s called your pelvic floor functioning like it did before it had to...well, you know. Funny thing about pelvic floors, though. We all have them and whether you’ve birthed a child or not, are a man or woman, young or old, you can experience issues with your pelvic floor. So what exactly is a pelvic floor, what role does it play in our bodies, and why does it cause issues in some people?

A group of muscles you never knew you’d need therapy for The pelvic floor is a group of muscles that span across the entire bottom of your pelvis, from the front of your pubic bone to your tailbone. The bladder, uterus, and rectum sit on top of these muscles. “It’s sort of like they’re sitting in a hammock,” said Jill Ehrmantraut, board-certified women’s health clinical specialist at Apex Physical Therapy and Wellness Center. “These muscles support the organs in the pelvis and abdomen while assisting with bladder and bowel control. They also provide pleasure during sexual activities.” Ehrmantraut has advanced training in pelvic rehabilitation for females, males and children and notes that there are a variety of reasons anyone can experience pelvic floor issues. “Pregnancy and childbirth are common causes of pelvic floor disorders,especially if you’re experiencing prolonged labor or delivery, multiples or perineal tears, but there are more

ABOVE: Women’s Health Clinical Specialist at Apex Physical Therapy and Wellness Center Jill Ehrmantraut holds a model of the pelvis to demonstrate where the pelvic floor muscles are and what they support. Special to On the Minds of Moms 14

ON THE MINDS OF MOMS | APRIL • MAY 2021

If you feel like you need to use the bathroom more than every 2 hours or have constant feelings that you need to go, your pelvic floor may be the culprit. Jill Ehrmantraut

general risk factors that can cause the disorder in anyone,” Ehrmantraut said. “I’ve treated kids as young as four, men and individuals as old as 95 years.”

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Aging and being overweight are factors that can put anyone in the category of pelvic floor disorders. Those who experience high-anxiety, constipation or have gone through a pelvic or abdominal surgery are also at risk. When the muscles in our pelvic floor stop functioning appropriately we certainly notice, but many of us may not realize it’s a pelvic floor issue. There are a full range of symptoms beyond incontinence that could point to a dysfunction in this muscle group.

What your pelvic floor may be up to “There are two different issues that could be going on — either your muscles are weak or overactive,” Ehrmantraut said. “Some symptoms overlap and others are very telling of what your muscles are up to.” Ehrmantraut explains that when the pelvic floor muscles are weak, they can’t provide enough pressure to “clamp” shut the urethra, the tube that carries urine from the bladder to the outside of the body. This can lead to urine leakage with activities such as coughing, sneezing, laughing, jumping, or running. A weak pelvic floor can also cause a pelvic ON THE MINDS OF MOMS | APRIL • MAY 2021

PELVIC FLOOR THERAPY

Pelvic floor weakness can lead to leakage, pain, or organ prolapse. Special to On the Minds of Moms

organ prolapse. This means your muscles can’t support the organs. Women will often feel or see a bulge inside or just at the opening of the vagina, which can cause discomfort during exercise, sitting, or sex.

almost impossible to work just one area and

On the other hand, when the pelvic floor muscles are overactive, they become tense or tight, which typically causes pelvic pain during sex, pelvic exams, sitting, or even exercise. But just like weak pelvic floor muscles, overactive muscles can also increase urinary frequency or urgency and mimic overactive bladder symptoms.

or relax the pelvic floor muscle, biofeedback and

“If you feel like you need to use the bathroom more than every 2 hours or have constant feelings that you need to go, your pelvic floor may be the culprit,” Ehrmantraut said. In addition, a feeling of heaviness or “falling out” down there, experiencing less than three bowel movements per week, or straining to go are also indicators that it may be a good idea to see a specialist.

see the best results.” Pelvic floor physical therapy treatment may include a variety of tactics, including manual therapy, specific exercises to either strengthen dry needling in addition to educating the patient. But not all physical therapists have training in this area. A pelvic floor physical therapist has advanced and specialized training to diagnose and effectively treat patients with pelvic floor disorders. “Evaluations start with a discussion about the patient’s history and issues they’re currently facing,” Erhmantraut said. “Then we examine the lower back, abdomen and hips and do a pelvic floor assessment, which can be done vaginally or using biofeedback depending on the patient's comfort level.” The pelvic floor assessment tests muscle tension and pain, muscle coordination

But I’m doing kegels

and strength, which are all important in

“Kegels are an important exercise in pelvic floor rehab, but we also want to strengthen the other surrounding muscle groups,” Ehrmantraut said. “The pelvic floor muscles work very closely with the muscles of our core, lower back and hips. It’s

determining what type of muscle dysfunction

ON THE MINDS OF MOMS | APRIL • MAY 2021

may be occuring. There are also additional tools, such as apps and devices that many women find helpful in conjunction with their physical therapy treatment.

PELVIC FLOOR THERAPY

A pelvic floor assessment tests muscle tension and pain, muscle coordination and strength. Special to On the Minds of Moms

“A pelvic floor physical therapist is going to personalize your kegels to ensure they’re most effective for your body. But apps are great at giving reminders throughout the day,” Erhmantraut said. Erhmantraut notes that “Squeeze Time” and “Kegel-Pelvic Floor Exercise” are two great apps. Other apps, like Perifit or Elvie, also come along with a device you can insert that will provide more accurate feedback about how you are squeezing your pelvic floor. This can be particularly helpful in ensuring your kegels are done correctly since as many as 50 percent of women are not doing them right. “I typically see women for 2 to 6 months,” Erhmantraut said. “But women don’t need to

We’re entering a time when patients are really educating and advocating for themselves. If you feel you need to see a pelvic floor PT, let your doctor know. The great thing is you also have the power to choose which provider you want to see. Jill Ehrmantraut

attend physical therapy for the rest of their lives. They should, however, continue with their home exercises, at least to some extent, for as long as possible.” Pelvic floor therapy is offered by many providers in our area, including Essentia Health and Sanford. “We’re entering a time when patients are really educating and advocating for themselves,” Erhmantraut said. “If you feel you need to see a pelvic floor PT, let your doctor know. The great thing is you also have the power to choose which provider you want to see. If you have questions about pelvic floor therapy you can reach out to Jill at jill@apexptwellness. com or call 701-364-2739. ON THE MINDS OF MOMS | APRIL • MAY 2021

PARENTING PERSPECTIVES

ON THE MINDS OF MOMS | APRIL • MAY 2021

PARENTING PERSPECTIVES

Parenting a child with special needs one heck of a trip 'I

my life growing up with siblings who have

By Alicia Strnad Hoalcraft

disabilities colored my perspective as well as my

don't want to go to Holland!" I cried to my mom on the day that it sunk in that my

own personal guilt about everything I'd done "wrong" in my parenting career that led my mind

daughter had special needs. My mom knew what I

down dark paths of what my daughter's future

meant without further explanation.

could hold and how it would be all my fault.

She'd had the poem on her wall for years when I

My brain tormented itself with how I should have

was younger — about how parenting a child with special needs is like planning a trip to Italy only to find yourself in Holland when the plane lands. You cycle through anger and disorientation

now see in retrospect, my daughter's life would

I'd lie awake in bed every night thinking about

unexpected trip.

all the signs I'd missed, agonizing over moments

I can't say that my own journey has been

that I told myself "should" have tipped me off to

as poetic or as neat as that. True, I haven’t

bigger issues. I “should” have realized she was

ended up where I expected and the emotions

dealing with more than anxiety. I “should” have

involved in learning about how my child operates differently than others her age were a whirlwind. Many days I've felt lost, stranded understand the depths of all my feelings —

more proactive. If only I'd seen the signs I could be better. If only, if only, if only.

before eventually finding the beauty in your

and so very alone. Even my spouse couldn't

noticed this earlier, seen the issues and been

gotten her help earlier. When things got really bad, I “should” have known there was more going on than just adjusting to the pandemic. But I didn’t know what to do.

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PARENTING PERSPECTIVES

But the journey has come with things I never expected — so many opportunities to show my child I'm on her side no matter what. Alicia Strnad Hoalcraft

I was unprepared for the realities of a small child whose body could become so full of emotion that she would attack her parents just to get some of it out. I couldn’t predict her outbursts, anticipate what would frustrate and upset her, or figure out a way to help her calm herself before her brain and body were out of control. All I could do was hold her while we both cried, find us the professional help we needed, and make sure that she knew that I love her no matter what. Because this hasn’t been like landing in Holland at all. There hasn’t been a moment where I’ve realized there are beautiful things about being in this place and settled into an acceptance of my new parenting destination. There are still days that are hard, days that end in tears and mornings that begin with whispered wishes of a calm and quiet day. There are still days that I wish I could parent the way I’d planned, that my daughter wouldn’t have to face these struggles or grapple with such big decisions so often. That I could hug my child close to me and tell her everything would be OK and feel more confident in my answer. But that’s not what life has brought us. Instead of a trip to Italy or Holland, we board a plane each day not knowing what our destination is. There are tools I can bring with me, things I can do to help my family be equipped for the trip, but I can never be fully prepared for the realities of each moment until we land and learn if we’re in Siberia or Seychelles. Adapting is the name of the game for us because, at least at this stage, nothing seems settled for long. 20

ON THE MINDS OF MOMS | APRIL • MAY 2021

But the journey has come with things I never expected — so many opportunities to show my child I'm on her side no matter what; the chance to make friends who understand me and her more than I could have hoped; the ability for her and I to connect on a deeper level and learn so much about each other's thoughts and feelings. I suppose that's what the poet meant about finding the beauty of Holland, but I would be lying if I said I was able to feel that emotion all the time. I am blessed to have a wonderful support system (and the resources to ensure my daughter gets the care she needs) but that doesn't negate how very hard this has been on all of us and how much part of me yearns for my daughter to not have to experience these struggles. But I don't regret who my daughter is. I love every fiber of her being, even in her darkest moments. There are struggles, yes, but she is also brave and kind and sweet and funny and clever and so, so wonderful. I love her fierce determination to figure out her own path, and I love how she uses her experiences to help other people, from explaining to friends and family how to handle "big feelings" to discussing plans to become a therapist for children one day. I don't know what the future will look like for her or for me. I can't say if we'll spend the rest of our lives on this journey, alternating between tulips and tempests, or if things will one day be calm enough to be predictable. I can't promise my daughter — or myself — what tomorrow will look like. All I can promise is to be by her side and do whatever it takes to help her.

PARENTING PERSPECTIVES

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ON THE MINDS OF MOMS | APRIL • MAY 2021

This, too, shall pass…..

I PROMISE F

By Kathleen Wrigley

ake News: Parting your hair on the side and/ or wearing yoga pants is now considered “out and old.” Pshaw. This perimenopausal girl has standards. Goodness. As if the “change of life” symptoms aren’t unforgiving enough for middle-aged women. I refuse to look like Alfalfa with my hair parted down the middle to fit in. Trend or no trend, I am out. Still, I have a conundrum. I am 50. Our youngest daughter, Harper, recently turned 13. Think about the lifespan development and our discrepancy. Let it sink in. Life is playing a cruel joke on both of us. The ebbs and flows of hormones and estrogen fill our days. Harper’s levels are shucking and jiving while her mom’s are spiraling and combative, hot flashes of sweat dripping from my chin. The only thing “thinning” on me these days is my uterus. My ovaries are in the life-stage development of shrivel and dry. I cry when a stranger blesses me for sneezing in the grocery store (God’s people are everywhere!) and simultaneously want to key a car for someone who doesn’t think to hold the store door for me (Satan lives!). Oh, yes. I am indeed a vision. Literally, a hot mess. This too shall pass, they tell us. In like…10 years. Oh, for Heaven’s sake.

ON THE MINDS OF MOMS | APRIL • MAY 2021

My mom, a retired nurse of 50 years, coined the comment, “Girls are slaves to their ovaries for life.” I recall being in high school when my mom was experiencing perimenopausal symptoms. I listened to and watched my mom with such bewilderment when she told me, “It’s not you. It is me. I don’t even like myself right now. It will pass. Be patient with me.” Thirty-five years later, I understand that statement with every raging and plummeting hormone in my body. From the other side, puberty whiplashes my baby girl. From snuggle bunny full of PDAs (public displays of affection) and baby talk to eye-rolling, I now hear one-word grunts of annoyed response and see chilling recollections of my own teenaged facial expressions of shock and awe. Puberty and perimenopause are cleverly aligned in our house, colliding under one roof. Perhaps in yours, too. While there may not be a magic wand for balancing the roller coaster of emotions, it does not have to be all doom and gloom. I am comforted and even assured by seeing how many women and families survive these years of their lives! I found some helpful survival tips on a blog, Menopause Chicks, titled: Puberty-Perimenopausal Smackdown. Feel free to leave these lying around your home for your housemates to read — Harper loves to talk about hormones. Psych.

Survival Kit: • Try not to project: “Isn’t puberty awful?” or “Perimenopause is no big deal.” Neither one of these comments is helpful. Everyone’s ride on the hormonal teeter-totter is different and unique. Empathize, but try not to pretend you know exactly what the other person is going through.

JUST A THOUGHT • Name it: I remember during puberty feeling alone and that my parents didn’t understand. There’s a good chance your kids feel this way. Turns out the onset of perimenopause is similar: I feel alone. Your kids may not want to hear every detail of what’s happening for you and your life phase. However, it’s good to acknowledge you are aware of the hormonal changes they might be going through, and to share when you’re having feelings that are also new and unsettling. Naming it, i.e., “I feel moodier than usual today, I’m emotional because…” helps to take the mystery out of a confusing subject matter and can also reframe these life phases from something to be potentially ashamed of to a change that is good and necessary and ought to be embraced. • Seek out opportunities to share: Chances are your kids know about puberty, but they are less likely to understand and care about — or they’re grossed out by — your perimenopause and menopause. Do not push uncomfortable subjects aside. Use whatever opportunity you can (a car ride, a commercial, a TV show) to crack open the conversation. You’ll both benefit. During a recent shopping trip, my son turned to me and said, “Remember that time before you hit menopause when you yelled at me in the mall?” Rather than saying, “Which time?” I used the opportunity to explain the difference between perimenopause and menopause and that I had not yet reached menopause (the one-year anniversary following no periods for a year). • Prepare: We spend a good part of parenthood preparing our kids for what to expect in life — everything from how to ride a bike to how to get into college. Imagine what could happen if we explained to them what can

potentially happen when puberty collides with perimenopause … before it actually happens. For example: As you’re going through puberty, you’re going to experience changes in your body, brain and emotions. These changes are often overwhelming and can sometimes make you feel out of control. I’m going through similar changes with perimenopause and although I hope it doesn’t happen often, I want to warn you that one day we might butt heads or disagree or we might yell at each other for what seems like no good reason. I want you to know that I love you, there is nothing wrong with either one of us, and it will pass. • Know your kid; know yourself: Paying attention to cycles can have huge pay-offs. For example, you may have noticed that your teen is no longer capable of engaging in conversation first thing in the morning. Save your important chats for after school or after dinner. Recognize your own cycles too, know which times of the day and month you are more irritable. Acknowledge when you haven’t slept well, eaten well, or missed out on exercise and how it affects your mood. Leverage those times to treat yourself to a break, a bath, or a soothing cup of tea, and don’t be shy about sharing this information with your family members. • Practice compassion: Sometimes a simple, “I understand,” is all that’s required to keep all the stars aligned. I will add two more cents: • Pray and laugh. • Do NOT part your hair down the middle or toss your yoga pants. This, too, shall pass.

ON THE MINDS OF MOMS | APRIL • MAY 2021

shutterbug Ten Little Chickens Photography

Taylor Jane Photography

Sophie Grace Photography

My2Peas Photography

ON THE MINDS OF MOMS | APRIL • MAY 2021

Ten Little Chickens Photography

My2Peas Photography

Shutterbug is a section dedicated to partnering with area photographers who have a passion for family portraits. Interested in having your photographs featured? Email moms@forumcomm.com.

ON THE MINDS OF MOMS | APRIL • MAY 2021

Foster to forever

How one couple’s foster care journey led them to their children and their forever family

ON THE MINDS OF MOMS | APRIL • MAY 2021

TRACI ANDERSON

By Danielle Teigen

raci Anderson always knew the family she'd one day have would not be grown completely through biology, but that adoption would be intertwined into her family’s story. She admits that when she was a young child herself, she didn’t really understand how it actually happened, but she really loved the idea that a family didn’t have to match. Looking back now, she thinks she just wanted more siblings, since hers were 7 and 9 years older than she was. Plus, she had a friend whose family fostered children and another friend who was adopted, so she said she knew a little bit about what the word adoption meant. When she met her husband Richard and they began discussing a family, Richard shared that his family fostered children while he grew up, and his family is still in touch with some of the kids who lived with them. “I knew about foster care and what it was like to have kids come and go,” Richard said. Once the couple married in 2012, they knew they wanted to become foster parents, so they set out to learn more and begin engaging with other foster

Richard and Traci Anderson knew early in their relationship that they wanted to be foster parents so they started the process soon after they married. Photo courtesy of Ten Little Chickens Photography ON THE MINDS OF MOMS | APRIL • MAY 2021

FOSTER TO FOREVER families. They weren’t opposed to the idea of having biological children, but they said they wanted to be realistic about the potential struggles of getting pregnant. As they were beginning the paperwork process to become foster parents, Traci and Richard discovered that Traci was pregnant; their official licensing with Clay County was approved just days after their daughter Elsie was born in April 2015. “We wondered if we would be able to have an infant and do foster care,” Traci shared. “Newborn life is difficult — it’s not all butterflies and rainbows — so we wanted to get in a groove and be open to our own ability to provide care.” When Elsie was three months old, Traci and Richard said yes to their first foster child, who was a toddler. The experience was a wakeup call for the new parents. “We learned a lot … it was a big learning curve,” Traci said with a nervous laugh. “I had to call my sister and ask questions like, ‘Do kids this age use forks? Should I put ketchup on their plate?’ It definitely triggered some anxiety for me.” Richard also shared that the experience was challenging because in most parenting situations, an infant gradually grows into the toddler stages, giving parents time to learn and grow as well. In their first foster experience, they also became first-time toddler parents. “The hardest part was you have to learn it all now, at one time,” he said. They were fortunate to have grandparents who lived nearby who could help with Elsie and friends who provided clothing and toys to help with the transition.

Top: The youngest Anderson will turn 5 this summer. Center: Elsie, the oldest, turns 6 in the spring. Bottom: Their son will also turn 6 this summer. Photos courtesy of Ten Little Chickens Photography 28

ON THE MINDS OF MOMS | APRIL • MAY 2021

The foster child wasn’t with the Andersons for very long, and they took some time to re-evaluate how best to approach foster care situations in the future. “We definitely had feelings of

FOSTER TO FOREVER anxiety and thinking, ‘What did we get ourselves into, this is hard!’ ” Richard said. Traci echoed those thoughts. “It’s very common for moms to get postpartum depression, but for foster and adoptive parents, post-placement depression is also common,” Traci explained. According to research from Purdue University, 18-26% of new adoptive mothers experienced symptoms of depression, with symptoms worse in mothers who did not have much time to prepare for the adoption or did not have the full biological background of the child.

As they got more comfortable in their role as foster parents, Traci and Richard also discovered the challenges of loving children so deeply and also having to say ‘goodbye.’ “Not being able to share milestones like their first steps, or cute new words like you would with your own kids can be lonely,” Traci shared. “Knowing how big your heart is and not being able to share that with the world is hard.”

We see (foster care) more like we’re able to do this as a way to support their parent(s) who are working towards healing and getting back on the right path.

Following that first placement, the Andersons decided to wait before saying yes to another placement; Elsie was more than a year old when they said “yes” to their second placement, which went much smoother. For the next several years, Traci and Richard took in infants, developing skills to cope with infant trauma and recognize the special needs of those children. “Infant care felt natural for us because once you know it, it flows pretty easily,” Traci said. “We learned nap schedules and always had a car seat and diaper bag ready to go.”

Maintaining privacy for the children they were caring for was an important aspect of their role, Richard said. “Telling adults that children in the (foster care) system have rights too was something I personally learned a lot about,” he shared. “These kids aren’t from stereotypical situations; their parents are working through some really hard things and just need help and support … we see it more like we’re able to do this as a way to support their parent(s) who are working towards healing and getting back on the right path.”

Traci Anderson

Traci agreed. “These kids love and miss their parents so badly; I don’t condone what happened that resulted in the kids entering the foster care

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ON THE MINDS OF MOMS | APRIL • MAY 2021

FOSTER TO FOREVER

I didn’t have to worry about loving them and then letting go; I am loving them and they are going to stay. Traci Anderson

system, but (the parents) are working so hard to break habits and generational cycles,” she said. “We’ve really grown to love their parents as well, even if you don’t have contact with them or know that they made mistakes. It’s a type of love that is so hard to explain” Reuniting foster kids with their parents and maintaining family preservation is always the main goal, the Andersons said, if that’s the best situation for everyone involved. In some cases, it’s not the most ideal circumstance, and that’s when foster care adoption programs step in. The Andersons said they had been open to a permanent placement in some situations when it made sense, but in those cases, adoption did not materialize. “Everything has to fit,” Richard explained. Once Traci and Richard knew they wanted to adopt, they moved from Clay County to the Minnesota Waiting Kids program, the MN ADOPT State Adoption Exchange which allows caseworkers and people to match with children in foster care who need a permanent home; the program’s vision is to have zero kids waiting for permanent loving families, according to mnadopt.org. Traci and Richard braced themselves for a long process — one that might take up to 18 months or more — and were surprised 30

ON THE MINDS OF MOMS | APRIL • MAY 2021

After four years of fostering children, the Anderson family grew by two when the adoption of their son and younger daughter became final in November 2019. Photo courtesy of Ten Little Chickens Photography

ON THE MINDS OF MOMS | APRIL • MAY 2021

The Andersons say they aren’t actively fostering children right now, but they are open to it in the future. They say they will make that decision with their children. Photo courtesy of Ten Little Chickens Photography

and delighted to find their match with two siblings, a little girl who was 2 at the time, and a boy who was 3, took only a few weeks to go from saying they wanted to learn more about them to being selected as their permanent home. Just like that, they were matched. During the process of transitioning the children from their amazing foster family to Richard and Traci’s, “the social workers did a great job of protecting the kids’ hearts,” Traci explained. “I was really guarding my heart to not get overexcited,” Richard said. But once they got word they’d been chosen to adopt the children, Richard said the reality of the situation hit him. “My cheeks hurt from smiling so much. I’d guarded my heart for so long, and I finally got to release all this love, knowing this is forever,” he said. Traci shared those same feelings, but also said she knew how difficult the process would be for the kids to leave the “special” foster family they’d been with to come home with the Andersons. 32

ON THE MINDS OF MOMS | APRIL • MAY 2021

As for the transition from a family of three to a family of five in only a short time, Traci and Richard laughed. Because the kids are so close in age — Elsie turns six in April, followed by their son in June and their youngest turns 5 in July — Richard said they had to adjust quickly. There’s obviously more noise and more toys but also more love and laughter. Plus, the Andersons didn’t have to brace themselves to ever say goodbye. “I didn’t have to worry about loving them and then letting go; I am loving them and they are going to stay,” Traci said. “My heart had to heal a little bit knowing that I was done with that phase because here we are, a family.” As the Andersons continue to live as a new family of five, they have decided not to continue fostering in the immediate future. But they said the subject comes up frequently about when the right time to get back into fostering would be. They would like to wait until the kids are older, and they want to make sure no one is triggered by the idea of opening their home to other foster

FOSTER TO FOREVER children. “We wouldn’t decide without talking to the kids first and making sure we are all ready for that journey again,” Richard said. While they enjoy not having to write monthly reports or keep their home spotless for home visits or get permission to take the kids on a trip, Traci and Richard talk fondly about being foster parents and would love to see more people step into that role. “It doesn’t take a perfect parent,” Traci explained. “You just have to love kids and be willing to be there for them, to go through the hard stuff, be willing to get to know the parents...Getting to know their parents has changed us, too.” Richard agreed. “It just takes someone who is willing to have the mindset that I’m loving on some amazing kids and also willing to offer some love and support to their parents,” he shared. “It’s not about being a hero; it’s that I’m willing to be a safe and soft landing place for

these children.”Traci shared that during their years of being foster parents, many people told her they could never do it — they couldn’t say goodbye to the kids. “Yes, that’s hard, but who will do it then?” Traci said. “Foster care isn’t for everyone, but people need to step up and be in the gap for these kids and families. We were all made to do hard things and being a foster parent is my hard thing. It just so happens that this hard thing is also the most rewarding thing.” In reflecting on her family’s foster care journey, Traci couldn’t help but think about the countless important moments they were able to witness for all the kids who’ve been in their home — and now their hearts — over the years. Moments like riding a bike for the first time, finally being comfortable and vulnerable enough to fall asleep in their arms, laughing while playing with others, crawling up to snuggle in their lap… “Those are all the moments we could have missed if we hadn’t taken the leap to do foster care,” Traci said.

The process for becoming a licensed foster family can take 3 months or more and is done through a local county agency. Foster parents are required to be at least 21 years old.

May is National Foster Care month Here are some things to know about foster care and how to get involved to make a difference in a child’s life: According to the Children’s Bureau, there were more than 423,000 children and youth in foster care in 2020. In North Dakota, there are 1,560 children in foster care and in Minnesota, the number is more than 10,000.

Some training is required, depending on the ages of the children who will be present in the home. Different types of foster care exist, such as emergency shelter care, respite care (which relieves birth and foster parents for a very short time, such as a weekend), or foster-adoptive. To learn more about foster care in North Dakota, visit https://www.nd.gov/dhs/services/childfamily/fostercare/. For Minnesota, visit https://www. mnadopt.org/fostering-network/foster-careprocess/. You can also Google your county and state followed by “Foster Care Licensing” to learn who you should contact to get started.

ON THE MINDS OF MOMS | APRIL • MAY 2021

GOOD FOOD

Craveable comfort

Breakfast for dinner a customizable crowd-pleaser By Jessica Rerick

ON THE MINDS OF MOMS | APRIL • MAY 2021

GOOD FOOD

any of us put a large amount of thought into our meals. Whether you are just planning something special for yourself or trying to please a family of six, we can all agree that it sometimes takes a lot of effort. There are even days when dinner time can make me feel more like a short-order cook, especially with a 4-year-old around. One dinner idea that always goes over well and can be easily customized for everyone at the table is “Brinner” or “Breakfast for Dinner”. Breakfast for Dinner can mean a lot of different things in my house: pancakes, waffles, eggs, bacon, you name it. I often find myself craving more savory flavors for dinner, so occasionally I will make the kids their scrambled eggs first and then I add baby spinach and Boursin cheese to my eggs. The kids can get plain cheese, and this mama gets her garlic. Everyone is happy! This is often my favorite “Dinner in 10 Minutes” option. Pop some toast in the toaster or garlic bread in the oven, and you have dinner with minimal clean-up and plenty of smiling faces. Speaking of smiling faces, this recipe for Cottage Cheese Pancakes is one you will want to keep handy. I got this recipe from my sister, and it has quickly become one of our favorite pancakes to make. Because the primary ingredients are eggs and cottage cheese instead of flour, they are packed with protein and calcium and don’t leave you feeling “too full” as many pancakes can. Even with those nutritional benefits, they don’t sacrifice that great buttermilk pancake taste.

Everything bagel seasoning adds richness and flavor to this breakfast bake. Recipe on page 37. Jessica Rerick / On the Minds of Moms

These pancakes aren’t completely flourless since some flour is needed to provide them some structure; however, I have made them with regular and gluten-free all-purposes blends that work equally as well. If your preference is for a nut-based flour, the final product will be a little heavier but will still taste as good. I mix mine with a food processor but a blender would also work as well. Aside from the basic mix, these pancakes can be customized to fit your favorite flavor profiles; our go-to add-ins are usually chocolate chips or fresh blueberries! This recipe is easy to make in a large batch, so I make too many for one meal then freeze the leftovers for a breakfast or dinner (or two!) in the future. ON THE MINDS OF MOMS | APRIL • MAY 2021

GOOD FOOD Last, but certainly not least, this Everything Bagel Breakfast Bake is perfect for breakfast or dinner, and it utilizes the popular seasoning that has worked its way into many of our kitchen cabinets. If you are unfamiliar with everything bagel seasoning, it’s a blend of garlic, onion, poppy seeds, black and white sesame seeds, and salt. Since I love to use it on everything from bagels and avocados to fish, chicken, and vegetables, it only seemed natural to add it into an egg bake, too! (If you’re interested and new to Everything Bagel seasoning, check out my product on my Craveable Kitchen Facebook page.)

The breakfast bake comes together using leftover bagels, crumbled sausage, eggs, milk, shredded cheese, sauteed grape tomatoes and red onion, cream cheese, and, of course, everything bagel seasoning. For a vegetarian option, feel free to omit the sausage or use a meatless crumble. I can’t decide what my favorite part of the breakfast bake is....Normally, I would say the seasoning, but the crispy tops of the bagels and the warm pockets of cream cheese are what my brunch and Breakfast For Dinner dreams are made of!

While these pancakes require some flour, the main ingredients are eggs and cottage cheese, packing them full of protein. Jessica Rerick / On the Minds of Moms

ON THE MINDS OF MOMS | APRIL • MAY 2021

GOOD FOOD

Spinach and Boursin Scrambled Eggs Directions:

Serves 4-8 Ingredients: 1 tablespoon olive oil 1 - 5.5 ounce bag of baby spinach leaves 16 ounces egg beaters or egg whites 1 - 5.2 ounce package of garlic and herb Boursin cheese (or other herbed goat cheese)

Heat olive oil until shimmering over mediumhigh heat. Add spinach and saute until wilted, about 1 minute. Reduce heat to low and add eggs. Let cook for 2 minutes and then slowly begin to stir along the bottom just enough so that the eggs don’t burn, but don’t over stir. When eggs are just set, crumble the Boursin cheese into the eggs, stir and remove from the heat.

Cottage Cheese Pancakes Makes 20-30 pancakes Ingredients: 32 ounces cottage cheese 12 large eggs 3/4 teaspoon baking soda 1/2 teaspoon kosher salt 1 cup flour, all-purpose (regular or gluten-free)

Directions: Preheat griddle to 350 degrees. Place all ingredients into your food processor or blender. Blend until smooth, about 30 seconds. Lightly spray the surface of your griddle with pan spray. Use 1/4 cup or 1/3 cup measuring cups to portion your pancakes onto the griddle. They will spread a lot. (I can fit 4-5 on my griddle surface at a time) Once the bubbles begin to pop on the surface, the pancakes are ready to flip. Flip the pancakes and let cook for 3-4 more minutes or until the bottoms are golden brown.

Everything Bagel Breakfast Bake Serves 8

Directions:

Ingredients:

Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Spray a 4-quart ceramic baking dish with pan spray (or a 9x13 baking pan).

1 tablespoon olive oil 1-pint grape tomatoes 1 cup diced red onion 3 - 4 day old bagels. (I have used fresh before and they work, but they are not as crunchy on the top) 2 cups cooked sausage crumbles (optional) 1 cup shredded swiss cheese ½ cup shredded parmesan cheese 10 eggs 2 cups milk 1/3 cup Everything Bagel Blend 8 ounces cream cheese, cut into small, 1 inch cubes 2 green onions, sliced, for garnish

In a saute pan, heat the olive oil over high heat until shimmering. Add the grape tomatoes and red onion. Saute until the tomatoes start to burst and blacken in areas and the onions are tender. Remove the pan from the heat and set it aside. Dice the bagels into bite-sized cubes and place them into a large mixing bowl. Add in the tomato and onion mixture, sausage crumbles, shredded cheeses, and cream cheese cubes. Use your hands to gently stir the ingredients together and place them into the baking dish. Arrange about a 1/3 of the cream cheese cubes to be towards the top of the pan. In the same mixing bowl, whisk together the eggs, milk, and everything bagel seasoning. Pour over the top of the bagel mixture in the baking pan. Bake, uncovered, for 55 minutes or until puffed and the center no longer jiggles. Remove the pan from the oven and let rest for 10 minutes. Garnish with sliced green onions if desired and serve. ON THE MINDS OF MOMS | APRIL • MAY 2021

Skyler Dutton

RAD DAD

Fargo, N.D.

From police officer to barista and business owner

By Melissa Davidson

ith some of our most challenging moments come our greatest opportunities for growth. You could say that’s a motto Skyler Dutton, co-owner of Thunder Coffee, lives by. The husband, dad of two boys, former police officer and business owner has certainly had his fair share of challenging experiences. But for him, seeing the opportunities amid turmoil has become a way of life. “There are lots of us who have stumbled, fallen and gotten up a better person because of what we’ve gone through,” Skyler said. “I’ve made my fair share of mistakes and I think a lot of good that has happened in my life has happened to me because of God’s continual grace and being sober for seven years.” During the past seven years Skyler has encountered a few obstacles on his way from the police force to the world of coffee and business ownership. He experienced firsthand the destruction of alcohol abuse, left a job he knew and loved, moved to Williston to work in the oilfields, and was laid off from two jobs. “It was an extremely humbling experience. I’d never in my life been in that position and then to have it happen twice was a shock to my ego. I wallowed for a while but eventually realized that I was capable of changing my path,” he said. Those experiences, while challenging, provided character-building moments. The adaptability, 38

ON THE MINDS OF MOMS | APRIL • MAY 2021

resilience and determination he gained paired with his passion for helping others have all played an instrumental role in where he is today. “I have never been in a position to positively impact so many people as I have through Thunder Coffee,” Skyler said. “Building relationships with people and serving the community are by far the most rewarding part of owning the business. Also, the team that we’ve been lucky enough to build is pretty incredible. We get to do some great things together. ” Skyler co-owns Thunder Coffee with his wife Nicole and brother Dex. The team launched the business in 2017 as Fargo’s exclusive coffee caterer. Two years later, the team opened a brick and mortar shop in West Fargo. Today, Skyler hopes his boys, Xander and Isaac, see the value in working hard and not being above any job. He also hopes that with each cup of coffee Thunder Coffee serves that sense of community among us is strengthened. Here’s more about Skyler. What are the biggest challenges you and your wife face when working together? This seems like a trick question, but I’ll proceed carefully. First, it can be a struggle to draw clear lines between work time and home time when your work is literally all over the house. We have to be intentional about setting aside time for

After a career as a police officer, Skyler Dutton opened Thunder Coffee with his brother and wife. M.Schleif Photography

ON THE MINDS OF MOMS | APRIL • MAY 2021

RAD DAD

Skyler’s family includes wife Nichole and his sons Xander and Isaac. M.Schleif Photography

activities that are not work related that allow us to just be us for a while.

most of the time when I’m impatient it's because I’m just hungry.

Second, for whatever reason, it can be

What’s your proudest moment as a parent?

challenging to be patient with your significant

Both boys have given me many reasons to be proud, but I’d have to say I’m most proud of how they aren’t afraid to be themselves and pursue their own interests. Although it can be (selfishly) frustrating at times, I love watching them develop their own interests and hobbies. I’ve always encouraged them to be authentic.

other while working together. We have to find ways to talk through what we are feeling when we become short. Understanding each other’s communication style and personality (think enneagram numbers and love languages) and being willing to apologize are paramount to continuing to work together and understanding each other better in those moments. Although, 40

ON THE MINDS OF MOMS | APRIL • MAY 2021

Xander decided he was done playing hockey after the eighth grade and finished as an

RAD DAD assistant captain of his team. A few months later he tried out for the high school cheerleading team and spent his freshman year on the varsity cheer squad. Isaac has always loved baking. When he was seven he sheepishly asked for an easy bake oven “for boys” for Christmas and today he is a very talented baker, making everything from cookies, to breads and bagels. Both boys never felt like they had to like what I like or conform to an activity and were free to pursue what makes them happy. Biggest fear as an entrepreneur? That I’ll make a poor leadership decision that will affect the wellbeing of my team or customers. Biggest fear as a dad? That my kids won’t understand that the sacrifices I had to make with my time were for the benefit of our quality of life. What do you hope your kids learn from seeing family work together to build something great professionally? I want them to understand that good things can happen when you are willing to do the work and surround yourself with great people and positive influences. When you think about the future, what are you most excited about? Professionally and/or personally? I’m excited to see the kind of young men Xander and Isaac will grow up to be. I’m excited to see just what we can accomplish with Thunder Coffee. We are always planning a next move and have some exciting collaborations on the horizon.

Jump Start Preschool

www.moorheadschools.org/ce ON THE MINDS OF MOMS | APRIL • MAY 2021

Hospice RESOURCES

It can be hard to be away from your aging loved one. Especially if they need an increasing amount of help at home or struggle struggle to to manage manage the the symptoms symptoms from a life limiting illness.

Our list of resources is as everchanging as the content of our magazine, so we’ve moved all the resources online so we can make changes better and offer opportunities to connect, find help, get answers, and make a difference. You can find resources regarding COVID-19, mental and behavioral health, food support, parenting, adoption, child abuse prevention, support groups, counseling, pregnancy and infant loss, MOPS groups and more. Go to inforum.com and search “OTMOM resources” to find the list. To submit a group or resource for consideration in the online listing, please email the information to moms@forumcomm.com.

ON THE MINDS OF MOMS | APRIL • MAY 2021

That's what we are here for. and To for you. provide

care for them peace of mind

Learn more about hospice or schedule a free informational session at 701.402.5312. ethoscare.org

APRIL EVENTS

Note: With COVID cases declining, more events are being scheduled. This list is not exhaustive, but rather a resource for families looking for local events. Please remember to check with the event organizers about any mitigation efforts in place, and be sure to comply with current CDC recommendations if you choose to attend events.

1 Preschool Open Gym

When: 11 a.m. to noon Thursdays, 8:30 to 9:30 a.m.; 10 to 11 a.m. Fridays Where: TNT Gymnastics Children who are walking up to age 5 are invited to walk during these times. Cost is $6 per child. A $50 punch card is also available (worth 10 visits). Max capacity of 25 children. Pre-registration required, which opens each week on Wednesday morning. No payment due at time of registration. Payment or punch card due at check-in for open gym.

6 Parent’s Day Out

When: 9:30 a.m. to 12:30 p.m. Where: Family Wellness Need to get stuff done? Drop off your kids aged 2 weeks to 9 years in the Family Wellness Childcare for some time to get stuff done without your little helpers. Please bring nut free snacks, diapers, or any other care necessities needed. Sign up by noon on Monday prior to the event. $12 for members and $18 for nonmembers.

Infants Series | Keeping Your Baby Safe Around Pets

When: 6:30 to 8:30 p.m. Where: Family Wellness Many people’s pets are their first babies. So what are you supposed to do now that you’re expecting? Bringing your baby home is a very exciting time for families but this time has potential to be confusing or frightening for your pet. Taking time to prepare yourself and your pet before the baby comes home is an important step for a rewarding child-pet relationship, and this class will prepare you to help your pet through this transition while keeping your new family member safe. All classes are free and open to the public. Registration required.

8 How Grandparents Are Lighting The Way To Debt-Free College For The Kids They Love

Storytime Live!

When: 7 to 8 p.m. Where: Online at https://www.thriventfinancial.com/member-network/ northland/events/ Grandparents, learn an innovative, practical way to build ongoing, loving connection with your grandchildren, leave a legacy that will last, and increase the probability that your grandkids will graduate college debt-free—all without spending one penny more than you are right now. For parents, grandparents, and caregivers of students ages 12–26. This event is hosted by Thrivent and the Northland Thrivent Member Network. It is open to all, so feel free to share the event details with friends and family. Pre-event registration is required for all attendees.

Babysitter Training

Parent Series | Self Care for Moms

7 When: 10:30 to 11 a.m. Wednesdays Join Kai from the Moorhead Public Library or Eliza from the Detroit Lakes Public Library for a weekly Storytime featuring songs and stories. This virtual event will be streamed live on the Lake Agassiz Regional Library Facebook page (facebook.com/larlmn) and a recording will be available following the presentation. No pre-registration is required.

When: 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. Where: Family Wellness This nine-hour American Red Cross Babysitting Course is a hands-on way to learn everything you need to know about babysitting. Start your babysitting business on the right foot and learn how to be a safe, professional and reliable sitter. Included in the course is American Red Cross First Aid and CPR Certification that is valid for two years. This course will teach you to be safe on the job, how to recognize an emergency and how to handle it as well. Lunch is included and will be cooked by each participant in the class with the guidance of a Healthy Cooking Instructor. This class is for ages 10 and older. $75 for members, and $105 for nonmembers.

When: 6:30 to 8:30 p.m. Learn about the importance of selfcare, postpartum emotions, and healthy relationships. These classes are designed to help caregivers and parents connect and grow with their children. All classes are free and open to the public. Registration required.

5 Infant Massage

When: 6 to 7:30 p.m. Where: Family Wellness This class is for caregivers and their infants to learn how to massage their infants. Massage has been shown to improve

Crafts to Go for Kids!

How To Convince Your Kids They Don't Need Student Loans

It’s time to get crafty again! Crafts To Go for Kids will be available for pickup twice a month. Children up to age 12 are welcome to register online for a craft packet. Then stop by one of the three Fargo Public Libraries locations during the designated weeks to pick up a craft packet to take home. Pre-registration is required and will open two weeks prior to each session. Please note: this a take home project only. The same craft will be available at each location. Limit 1 craft per child, while supplies last. Some crafts will require access to scissors, glue, tape, or paint brushes at home. This craft is Nature Suncatcher Windchimes.

Parenting the Love and Logic Way

When: 6 to 8 p.m. Where: Online Love allows children to grow through their mistakes. Logic allows them to live with the consequences of their choices. Learn how to discipline kids without losing love and respect, develop personality responsibility, self-control and good decision-making skills in kids and nurture long-term relationships. Class will be held again on April 19 and April 26. Class is free but registration is required. Call Cass County Extension at 701-241-5700 or email herdingd@casscountynd.gov. Deadline to register is April 6.

circulation, help infants to relax, regulate sleep patterns, stimulate digestive system and may relieve colic or gas. It also can improve communication, attachment and bonding between caregiver and infant, as well as caregivers may feel more confident in understanding their baby’s cues. The class will be a hands-on experience for babies and their caregivers so please bring your baby.

8 Toddlers/Preschoolers Series | Play and Milestones

When: 6 to 8:30 p.m. Where: Family Wellness Learn about important milestones, how to safely play with your child, toys to avoid, and games to play with your child. All classes are free and open to the public. Registration required.

When: 7 to 8 p.m. Where: Online at https://www.thriventfinancial.com/member-network/ northland/events/ Parents and grandparents, explore 3 surprising strategies that help students ages 12-18 to develop professional confidence early on, increase potential to graduate college debt-free, and feel poised and ready to step directly into satisfying career after college. (Even if they don't get a single scholarship.) For parents, grandparents, and caregivers of kids ages 12-18—and the students they care about. This event is hosted by Thrivent and the Northland Thrivent Member Network. It is open to all, so feel free to share the event details with friends and family. Pre-event registration is required for all attendees.

26 Crafts to Go for Kids!

MAY EVENTS 15 Family Yoga

When: 9 to 10 a.m. Where: Family Wellness Participate in Yoga as a Family! Learn relaxation, breathing, and movements that can be done anytime or anyplace. Bond as a family, while learning skills you can use at home to increase your overall wellness. All ages and abilities welcome. Class will be held outside in the backyard. Free for members.

Hosting an event that you would like to have published in the On The Minds of Moms magazine? Email moms@forumcomm.com.

ON THE MINDS OF MOMS | APRIL • MAY 2021

READY, SET, GROW

Getting (and staying) organized is possible for kids of all ages.

HERE’S HOW TO GET STARTED. By Melissa Davidson, Alicia Strnad Hoalcraft and Paula Quam

ven the most “together” adults would probably say they could stand to be more organized, so don’t worry if your kids aren’t sitting around with a label maker at night categorizing their Hot Wheels cars or Barbie accessories (although if they are, color us impressed). There are strategies for getting organized and having kids start building those good habits of keeping things around them tidy and together, even at a young age. These are a few ideas to spark some inspiration in even the tiniest tot.

ON THE MINDS OF MOMS | APRIL • MAY 2021

Photo courtesy of Shutterstock. ON THE MINDS OF MOMS | APRIL • MAY 2021

READY, SET, GROW

Wee ones [0-18 months]

Getting and staying organized with a little one can be a challenge. Babies come with so many things! Clothes, diapers, wipes, bottles, toys… All. The. Things. And just as soon you’re in a groove in one stage, you’re on to the next with all new things. This is likely a pretty accurate description for your life here on out so here are some tips to get ahead on organizing with your little one.

The Bedroom You’re likely facing a never ending cycle of washing, folding and putting away teeny tiny little clothes. It’s overwhelming, and keeping it all organized can be challenging too not to mention a huge stressor. Drawer organizers with labels go a long way in helping those little duds stay put and drawers tidy; clothes hanger dividers help you organize pieces by size; and keeping a “too small” bin in the closet makes it easy to get those pieces they’ve outgrown out of sight. Before you tackle any organizing however, consider the amount of clothes your little one has to begin with. If an over abundance of clothes is a stressor, consider paring down and washing more frequently.

The Kitchen You’ve also likely sacrificed a fair amount of counter space to the ongoing cycle of keeping baby bottles, pacifiers, pumping equipment and teething rings clean. Space-saving drying racks 46

ON THE MINDS OF MOMS | APRIL • MAY 2021

Regularly taking stock of your baby’s clothing and other items will help reduce clutter. iStock / Special to On the Minds of Moms designed specifically for these small parts and pieces are well worth the investment here. Also, storing these items in a bin or basket when not in use rather than next to your everyday dishes, is an easy way to get these items out sight quickly while keeping every part and piece together. And once you’re into the next stage you can repurpose bins for all those mismatched plates, cups, spoons and sippy cups that will try to consume your cupboard space.

Think Ahead Like everyone says, “Time goes fast,” so creating a regular schedule of when to take inventory and declutter, donate and toss, will help you stay on top of it all. In addition, choosing bins and storage components you can repurpose as they grow is a great way to get the most bang for your buck.

READY, SET, GROW

Tots

[18 months to 3 years] • Choose the right storage: Those cute fabric bins may look great, but they don’t do your kid any favors in determining what is in the bin, which means, it may all end up pulled out and on the floor. Clear bins are a great way to store similarly themed toys, such as things that make music, puzzles, stuffed animals, etc. while also letting your child easily see what’s in them. Many also come with lids and are sized to fit two to a cubby so you can maximize your storage options even more! • Make it a game: Set a timer for a number of minutes equal to their age and work with them to do as much as you can in those few minutes. They'll be amazed at how much they accomplish in that time. Adding a pickup song can make it even more fun.

Engage your tot by making cleanup time a challenge. iStock / Special to On the Minds of Moms Toddlers have a masterful way of walking into a room and it just explodes — all the things on the floor. Often, it seems futile to enforce any sort of organization tactics among the chaos. But, it doesn’t hurt to try! Here a few things you can try to keep it all together and teach your little one to follow suit.

• Minimize: It’s a buzz word we hear often these days, but implementing a more minimal lifestyle, especially when it comes to kids and all their things can go a long way in terms of mental wellbeing. It fosters imagination and makes cleanup less of an issue. If this is an area you struggle with there are some great websites such as becomingminimalist. com that offer guidance. Also, set a schedule to declutter and enlist the support of your significant other or friend who can help you stay focused. ON THE MINDS OF MOMS | APRIL • MAY 2021

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Preschoolers [3 to 5 years old]

By the time your child turns 3, they're old enough to be active participants in managing their things and their spaces. They'll need guidance from the adults in their lives, but giving them this responsibility helps them learn habits that will help them more and more in the future. Setting up a system that makes it easy for your preschooler to stay organized comes down to two main things — large and labeled. Larger categories make it much easier for little brains to process organizational systems. Big labels on each container — with both pictures and words — are important cues for kids. Other strategies for getting your preschooler actively involved in organizing their space and keeping it organized: • When you're playing with them or supervising play, work with them to ensure they're putting one thing away before they start playing with another. ("Let's put all the dinosaurs away before we start cooking in the play kitchen. I don't want this t-rex to eat all the cookies!") • When things become disorganized, help your child take care of sorting. Put a small pile in front of them along with two bins and a small trash can. Have them sort all items of one category into its bin, put the other toys in that pile into the second bin, and any 48

ON THE MINDS OF MOMS | APRIL • MAY 2021

Motivate your child by making cleaning a game. Shutterstock / Special to On the Minds of Moms garbage or broken toys into the trash. They might not have the attention span to handle all the categories, but helping them learn "This belongs here, this doesn't, this should be thrown away" trains their brain on the process. • Make it a race. Kids at this age never tire of races and games. Assign them a category while you take another. (“You put all the trucks in this box while I clean up all the dolls. On your marks, get set, go!”) • Set regular decluttering times with your child. Depending on how many toys they have and what works best for your family, this could be monthly or every few months. Have them go through a category of toys and figure out what they still play with and what they would like to donate to other children.

READY, SET, GROW

Big kids [6 to 9 years old]

At this age, most kids need similar organizing setups as they did when they were younger — big labels, large categories and easy-to-access containers. Fabric bins are great at this age because they hold a lot, have no lids and have plenty of space for large labels. If you're just starting to get your big kid to take on an active role in organizing and tidying, you can use the strategies from the preschooler section to get them started. Once they've got the hang of those things, then work with them on handling these things independently. You can give them reminders, set timers, have them complete one cleaning category while you do another, and let them declutter with you regularly.

Breaking down a large chore into specific tasks can make it seem less daunting. Shutterstock / Special to On the Minds of Moms When your little kids become big kids, you can get them to keep spaces organized and tidy with less supervision. They'll usually still need some adult direction and reminders but they can take on more responsibility for their things each day.

Many kids struggle with keeping things organized and clean because the task seems daunting "Clean your room" can feel like a lot if you've got dirty laundry and blankets mixed with books and toys and stuffed animals and dress-up clothes and who knows what else all over the floor. Help kids with this overwhelm by making a chart with them of how to clean up their space. You might start with "Put dirty clothes in laundry basket" followed by "put books back on the shelf," then moving to the other steps. You can help them come up with steps, then write them down and let them illustrate. Hang this up and they now have a guide to cleaning their space. ON THE MINDS OF MOMS | APRIL • MAY 2021

READY, SET, GROW

Tweeners [10 to 12 years old]

Habits are forming fast and hard at this age. It’s important that tweens understand how they can be their own best friend or own worst enemy with the world they keep and maintain around them. • Get rid of digital distractions. Very few things motivate a tween to get their necessary, “boring” work done more than the thought of them being without their phones and electronics. If your child is having a hard time buckling down with the things they should be doing to stay on top of things, then start designating specific times for them to focus solely on those tasks without the temptations of screens. • Keep “the night before” routine strong. Getting up in the morning will start to get tougher for kids this age, so make sure they organize themselves as much as possible the night before. Are their clothes laid out (including the ever-evasive socks)? Homework done? Night shower taken? All notes and activities signed and talked about? Having all of this done the night before takes stress off them and you as you all attempt to start the day off right. • Declutter. Help your child go through their backpacks, bedrooms and any other common place they use to store their belongings. If your tween is like many, they could start 50

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The process of physically decluttering space can also have mental benefits for your child. iStock / Special to On the Minds of Moms a compost pile in their rooms if given the right barrel, but by setting an expectation that they keep their physical worlds more clean and organized, you are helping them declutter mentally as well, making it easier to keep everything straight.

READY, SET, GROW

Teens [13 to 18 years old]

help with their regular chores, implement tough love and make them fulfill the responsibilities they knew they had. If they forgot their tennis shoes at home but need them for gym, don’t go out of your way to drive them in to them. Let them figure out what happens in that situation. It’s not fun for you or them, but if they don’t feel the natural consequences of being disorganized, what’s the incentive to do better?

Hold your teen accountable for chores to help create lasting habits for when they are no longer at home. Shutterstock / Special to On the Minds of Moms Our parental instincts might be to help our teenagers with everything they need, but remember, what they need to succeed in life is some adequate organizational skills. They’re getting closer to the time when they’ll be sent out on their own to function, so let’s send them out prepared and able to juggle their own, (hopefully) organized lives. • When disorganization threatens to come back to bite them, don’t protect them from the bite. If they procrastinate with homework and all of a sudden “don’t have time” to

• Have them make their bed. It’s amazing what sort of strange “I’m on top of my day” effect making the bed can give people, and kids are no different. It’s like they’re telling the universe that they are so organized, they even had time to make the bed. It might not be immediately true, but generating that vibe can often be enough to launch the feeling into reality the rest of the day. • As Sunday afternoon rolls around, take a few moments to sit down with your teen to plan for the week. What extracurricular activities or job shifts are coming up this week that could impact homework flow, chores expectations, ect. Figure out a plan to sidestep those little speed bumps ahead of time. Make sure they’re good to go on laundry and homework going into Sunday night so that once Monday morning rolls around, they’re not starting out behind the curve ball. ON THE MINDS OF MOMS | APRIL • MAY 2021

April/May 2021 On the Minds of Moms

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