october november
twenty sixteen
the valley’s
for today’s
WITCH’S BREW BROWNIES
Ingredients:
• 1 box Essential Everyday Brownie mix
• M&M’s, KitKat, Rolo, Reese’s or Candy Corn
Directions:
Make brownies according to instructions on the box. Pour brownie mix in pan and top with whatever candies you are using. Bake according to package instructions. Let cool & enjoy!
Start spooking. Get digital offers & more at hornbachers.com/halloween
5 Things the Midwifery Team at Essentia Health wants you to know:
1
Midwives are experts supporting women in normal, healthy childbirth. Research and quality measures support this.
2
Midwives help you learn about the birth process so you can make the best decisions for you and your baby.
3
Midwives spend time getting to know you and your family, so we can assist in personalizing your labor and birth experience. EssentiaHealth.org
4 5
Midwives believe women are strong and capable of birthing their own babies with little intervention. This often translates to a lower c-section rate and low NICU admissions. Midwife means “with woman�. Essentia Health Midwives are here with you throughout your labor and birth, then throughout your lifetime!
contents
in every issue contributors .
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event calendar . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 20 food for thought . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 24 shutterbug
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 26
oh, by the way . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 36
48
contents
sections
gettin' through it addressing childhood trauma: all of us – together . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 28
body + being hello, gorgeous! makeup must knows . . . . . . 38
did you know family on a mission…pink it forward . . . . . . . 40
just a thought when we know better… . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 42
ready, set, grow is this normal . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 58
32
12
contents
feature & profiles
mod mom profile kristin peters . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .12
rad dad profile matt olien . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 32
cover story val kleppen & michelle warren— meant to be . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 48
26
moms
on the minds of
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OTMOM MISSION STATEMENT On The Minds Of Moms Magazine is dedicated to providing parents of all ages a bimonthly resource they can trust. A fresh approach to traditional parenting publications, we are modern and inspiring while offering a community of local support and real-life advice for today’s family. On The Minds Of Moms contains views from across the parenting spectrum. These views do not necessarily reflect those of the publisher. All activities listed in these pages are at your own risk and require appropriate supervision. OTMOM is a publication available at all Fargo-Moorhead Hornbacher's, Family Fare, and Grand Forks–East Grand Forks Hornbacher's and Hugo's grocery store locations. Distribution also includes all partnering advertisers. Copyright 2016 All Rights Reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced without written permission from the publisher. On The Minds Of Moms is a trademark registered at the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office.
contributors
the last time i cried because i was happy… brian haugen los angeles | ca body+being: page 38 Tears welled up with joy when my brother shared his experience of reaching the summit/peak of the Matterhorn. He shared his feelings of doubt at the bottom and when he reached the top he was full of joy. I related to this experience similarly when I reached the peak of Mt Whitney. Tears of related joy and accomplishment.
sheri kleinsasser stockmoe fargo | nd feature: page 48 ready, set, grow: page 58 I was at my daughter’s 3rd grade spring play. I knew she was a spider and I knew she had a solo. I didn’t know she had the only solo or that this kid could really sing! She crept up the steps of the stage in full spider mode to take her place behind the mic and this beautiful voice came out of her that took me and my husband by surprise. I was so proud of her! Makes me want to cry thinking about it!
kathleen wrigley bismarck | nd just a thought: page 42 Was when I got my acceptance letter from the school counselor graduate program at the University of Mary, where I am a full-time graduate student. Again. At 46. It’s never too late to start over and learn something new. Our oldest daughter told me, ‘Mom, you’re the strongest person I know. Thank you for being a good example to me and my friends.’ This is a mom’s dream come true. Many tears of gratitude. Fear, too. But mostly tears of blessings.
deb uglem fargo | nd oh by the way: page 36 We were on a plane on our way to board a Mediterranean cruise to celebrate my mom and dad's 50th wedding anniversary. The thought of all 26 of us sharing that adventure made me so happy I couldn't hold back the tears. Thanks Mom and Dad for the trip of a lifetime.
heather simonich moorhead | mn gettin’ through it: page 28 Was when my son stepped on the ice for the first time after recovering from a broken femur. He had missed the entire hockey season and it was the first time I truly appreciated what the game had meant to him. Hockey was where he belonged, gained self-confidence, made new friends, failed and got back up again, felt supported, and most importantly had fun. Hockey was less about the game and more about the relationships - teammates, coaches, and families. As I watched him step back on the ice, I was so happy and grateful for him to have it back again.
otmom list
7,500 the average number of kiddos a mom today has versus 3.5 in the 1950s or 7-10 in the 1700s. Get this…a mom from Russia gave birth to 69 kiddos between 1725 and 1765. Wowza!
different varieties of apples are grown worldwide. The US grows 2,500 varieties with about 100 grown commercially. That’s a whole lotta apple pie combinations!
56% of moms say juggling work and family life is difficult. No kidding!? Geez!
Being a kid means having the freedom to explore and push limits, but one area parents shouldn’t budge on is wearing helmets. • Helmets reduce head injuries by 85% and brain injury by 88% • More children ages 5 to 14 are seen in ERs for injuries related to biking than any other sport The Sanford Safety Shop offers free helmet checks and ones for purchase for just $10.
www.onthemindsofmoms.com
Use your head. Wear a helmet.
032000-00224 6/16
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on the minds of moms | october • november twenty sixteen
Learn more at sanfordhealth.org, keyword: Kohl’s Cares
otmom list
50
%
of voters ages 18-29 voted in 2012. Come on…get out there and vote, you youngens!
900,000,000
the average number of hours women spend each day on household chores, while men spend 1.3 hours/day. The struggle is real!
tubes of lipstick are sold each year in the world. Hummmm…that is more lipstick than people in the US!
sources: www.happyworker.com | www.pewsocialtrends.com www.dosomething.com | www.sixwise.com www.premiumbeautynews.com
“Treating patients like family and friends is their specialty!” S.J., Facebook Review
Our reviews tell you more about us than we ever could. Find us on Facebook to see more of what our patients are saying about the five-star comfortable and modern www.onthemindsofmoms.com
care they receive! We look forward to meeting you and caring for your smile. PAUL FREDRIKSON, DDS PC
RYAN NYGARD, DDS
3011 25th Street South, Suite 1 Fargo, North Dakota 58103 701.280.0088 • www.smilecareteam.com
www.facebook.com/SmileCareInFargo
FAMILY AND COSMETIC DENTISTRY
october • november twenty sixteen | on the minds of moms
11
T
he daughter of Don and Sylvia Schmid, Kristin and brother Mark grew up in Bismarck, ND, where their parents still live today. After receiving physical therapy to treat various sports injuries during childhood, Kristin knew exactly
what she wanted to be when she grew up. She attended the University of St. Catherine in St. Paul, MN, graduating with a Master’s in Physical Therapy in 1995 and has worked as a Physical Therapist ever since, most recently at Moorhead Public Schools and per diem at Sanford Hospital. Wife of Scott for 21 years and mama bear to her three cubs [Zach, 17, Erica, 14, and Jake, 9], Kristin enjoys photography and photobook making, playing in the dirt of her garden, waterskiing, creating in the kitchen, working out, golfing, and volunteering in our community, including Gigi’s Playhouse. The one thing Kristin can do without? A messy house…clutter is not her friend!
photos: caitlin killoran photography | caitlin killoran
kristin peters age 45, fargo.nd
the best mom advice i ever received was… how important faith and family are in the journey of life. There will be bumps in the road throughout your lifetime and you can always turn to your family and your faith to get you through.
my reality tv guilty pleasure… I don’t watch a lot of reality shows, but I have to admit that I’ve watched “The Young and the Restless” since college.
hate is a strong word, but i hate… when people use the R-word. My youngest son, Jake, has Down syndrome and I work with kids with special needs so I find it very offensive when people of all ages use this word.
mod mom
grandfather, father-in-law, brother, and husband. He has always been there for me and my family every step of the way. He has taught me about being passionate about what I do and this is why I’m a PT.
every mom should know about… Target. I absolutely love Target! It has everything that I could possibly need and more! Having a Starbucks is the icing on the cake when shopping.
my mom was right about… creating lifelong memories with your kids. As kids, my parents made it a priority to take family
one quality i hope my kiddos possess is… to be passionate about what they do in life.
my favorite teacher is… my dad. I have always admired him as a father,
Whatever your insurance needs, we’ve got you covered...
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Locally owned in West Fargo
Learn more at: heart.org/healthierkids
Home • Auto • Business • Umbrella • Health • Life october • november twenty sixteen | on the minds of moms
13
mod mom trips and also carry out traditions throughout the holidays. Scott and I have made it a priority to take trips over the years with our kids along and we carry out many Norwegian traditions during the holidays, especially making lefse and Christmas baking.
my house never has enough… laughter. We have a lot of fun as a family. No matter what kind of day we all have had, Jake always puts a smile on all of our faces with his sense of humor.
i can always count on my husband for… his unconditional love and support. He is my rock and is always there when I need him most. He is a great husband, father, and grill-chef extraordinaire!
it’s hard for me to…
www.onthemindsofmoms.com
see people set limitations for kids with special needs and for typical kids. It is our job as parents to help all of our kids reach their full potentials and dreams.
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on the minds of moms | october • november twenty sixteen
my favorite season has to be… summer. I love spending time at the lake with our immediate and extended family at Kabekona Lake. We have so much fun, whether we are swimming, tubing, water skiing, blueberry picking, playing games, or just visiting.
when my kiddos are grown, i hope they describe me as… a loving, compassionate mom who supported them unconditionally and helped them achieve their dreams.
one of the most difficult things to learn in life is… our plan is not always God’s plan. I like to be in control and I am a planner so I have learned over the years that there will be obstacles in life and that we will grow from them.
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resources
connect, find help, get answers, make a difference
Gigi’s Playhouse A Down syndrome achievement center providing resources, specialized teaching, and support to individuals with Down syndrome, their families and the community. All programs are free. For more information, call 701.551.7529 or visit www.gigisplayhouse.org/fargo. Hands & Voices Hands & Voices is a non-profit, parent-driven organization dedicated to supporting families of children who are deaf or hard of hearing, without bias around communication modes or methodology. What Works for your Child is What Makes the Choice Right™ Contact us for more information at 701.484.1605, contact@ndhandsandvoices. org, or visit www.ndhandsandvoices.org. FM Busy Babies Connecting parents with information, insights, and activities. FMBB also hosts events with the goal of giving back to our community. For more information, visit www.fmbusybabies.com.
Children's Consultation Network Provides access to early childhood mental health screening, assessment and consultation, develops and distributes children's mental health resources, provides community education, seeks to diminish stigma, and facilitates collaborative efforts related to children's mental health services, especially for children ages 0-8. For more information, 701.526.1565 or www.rvcscc.org. Parent Professional Learning Network A Parent Navigator Team with Family Voices of North Dakota offering an opportunity for parents of children with special needs and the professionals who work with them to come together to learn and grow. For more information, email parentproflearningnetwork@gmail.com. The Compassionate Friends 2nd Thursday of each month, 7:00pm at Faith Lutheran Church [127 2nd Ave E, West Fargo]. Offering grief support after the death of a child. For more information, email chapterleader@tcffargomoorhead. org, call 701.491.0364 or visit www.tcffargomoorhead.org. MOMS Club of Fargo/Moorhead IR, ND Provides monthly activities, playgroups, special projects, and support for local moms. This group is open to moms and their children in the F-M area. For more information, contact momscluboffm@ gmail.com or visit www.facebook.com/MomsClubFargo. Harlynn’s Heart Providing multiple services, resources, and comforts to parents, families, and friends who have or will experience perinatal loss. For more information, visit www.harlynnsheart.org or email info@harlynnsheart.org.
www.onthemindsofmoms.com
Catholic Charities ND Counseling Professional and confidential counselors provide services to individuals, couples, and families dealing with relationship issues, stress or anger management and a variety of other issues. We work with most insurances, EAP’s and have a sliding fee scale for those who don’t qualify for other resources. For more information, call 701.235.4457, email info@catholiccharitiesnd.org, or visit www.catholiccharitiesnd.org. Child Asperger Support Group Every Tuesday from 12:00pm to 1:00pm at Olivet Lutheran Church [1303 S University Dr, Fargo]. For additional information visit www.rrvan.org. Pregnancy & Infant Loss Support Group Hospice of the Red River Valley [www.hrrv.org], in partnership with Harlynn’s
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on the minds of moms | october • november twenty sixteen
resources Heart [www.harlynnsheart.org], offers an ongoing pregnancy and infant loss support group, meeting the fourth Tuesday of each month from 6:30pm-8pm at the Hospice of the Red River Valley [1701 38th St S, Fargo]. Please use the west door. This is an ongoing support group for anyone who has experienced the death of a baby through pregnancy loss, stillbirth, or in the first year of life. The purpose of this group is to provide compassionate grief support, understanding, and resources to bereaved parents while allowing them to share their grief in a safe place with others who are experiencing a similar journey. This group is free and open to the public. For more information or questions, call 800.237.4629 and ask for the bereavement department. Beyond the NICU Doors A community support network for parents who have experienced time in a NICU. Monthly gathering starting in September will be the 4th Tuesday from 7-8:30pm at the Anne Carlson Center located behind Subway on the corner of 13th Ave S and 25th St S in Fargo. Gatherings include a speaker and children are welcome as there are toys and space available. This is open to all NICU families regardless of location of NICU experience. This is a cooperative effort between Region V Experienced Parent and March of Dimes NICU Family Support. Any questions please
call Moe Schreoder at 701.237.3558 or Colette Christoffers at 701.235.5530. FM Autism Support Group 2nd Friday of each month, 7:00pm-9:00pm, at the YMCA Downtown [401 1st Av S, Fargo]. For more information, visit www.facebook.com/ FM-Autism-Support-Group-171027578792. North Dakota Home School Association Providing information on the North Dakota home school law, contacts for area support groups, a free downloadable Home School Packet, convention information, the current statement of intent form, and thoughtful articles on various aspects of private, parent-directed home education. Visit www.homeschool-life. com/nd/ndhsa for more information. HOPE, Inc. Provides a year-round sports and recreation program for children and young adults ages 2-23 with mobility challenges. We are family-centered and provide extra equipment so the ENTIRE family can play! Contact Adair at 701.866.9002 or adair@hopeinconline.org for more information or visit www.hopeinconline.org. Rape & Abuse Crisis Center Crisis intervention, advocacy, and counseling services to all persons who have been victims
Institute of Diagnostic Imaging is proud to participate in National Breast Cancer Awareness Month.
• Digital Mammography
which helps with early detection
• Coming Soon – 3D Tomosynthesis • Open MRI, CT, Ultrasound, and X-ray
www.onthemindsofmoms.com
We offer...
• You have a right to choose where your mammogram is performed. • We accept most insurances, including Medicare and Medicare replacements.
2829 University Drive S, Suite 102, Fargo, ND |
701.234.0112
october • november twenty sixteen | on the minds of moms
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resources of domestic violence or sexual abuse. Volunteer or donate. Call 701.293.7273 or visit www.raccfm.com. Eating Disorders Monthly Family & Friends Support Group If you have a loved one with an eating disorder, you are invited and encouraged to attend this support group dedicated to providing a comfortable, supportive, and confidential environment where you will be provided with information about eating disorders and tools to aid in your loved one’s recovery. This group is open to friends, parents, partners, caregivers and adult children. Registration: For more information, contact Kara Woodbury Fladland, LPCC 701.234.4111, or visit www.sanfordhealth.org/classesandevents/ ClassDetail/cb9a7533-e6f9-41cb-b562-3a7c0fc46f45. FirstChoice Clinic Provides pregnancy confirmation and counseling, prenatal and parenting classes, community referrals to help individuals make life affirming choices. Call 701.237.5902 or visit www.firstchoiceclinic.com. Volunteer or donate at www.teamfirstchoiceclinic.com. Survivor of Suicide Loss Providing a safe, accepted, and supportive environment and opportunity to talk openly. For more information on this monthly meeting, contact Mary at 701.219.4110 or afspnd@gmail.com.
Gluten Intolerance Group of Fargo/Moorhead GIG of F/M holds gatherings for education, fellowship, and support for those living with Celiac Disease, Gluten Intolerance, or Gluten Sensitivity. You do not need to be a paid member of this group to attend any meetings. For more information, visit www.gluten.org/localbranches/fargo-moorhead. MOMS Club of West Fargo Offers support, activities, and friendship for moms who work at home full or part time. For more information, visit www.facebook.com/ MOMSClubWestFargo or email momsclubofwf@yahoo.com. South East Regional KIDS Program An Infant Development Service providing home-based family-focused services at no cost to families having an eligible infant or toddler under the age of three. Call 701.446.3927 for more information. For more listings, visit www.OnTheMindsOfMoms.com/support. To submit a group or resource for consideration to be posted on our website, email information to info@onthemindsofmoms.com. OTMOM does its best to keep information accurate, but organizations are responsible for providing updated information. It is always a good idea to call ahead to confirm the information provided.
www.onthemindsofmoms.com
cabinet refinishing | interior painting | faux finishing
Ashley Bakkegard | 701.610.9331 ashley@BrushedInteriorsND.com BrushedInteriorsND.com 18
on the minds of moms | october • november twenty sixteen
Healthy Friendships Become
Life Long Relationships october • november twenty sixteen | on the minds of moms
www.onthemindsofmoms.com
Thank You for Five Years of Togetherness and Wellness
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6, 13, 18, 20 & 27
Safety Shoppe Car Seat Check www.sanfordhealth.org/ classes-and-events
october events 3&6
Farmers' Market & Beyond 701.433.5360 www.wfparks.org
Statistically four out of five car seats are installed incorrectly. Are you sure yours is right? Don’t take a chance. Head to The Safety Shoppe [601 39th St N, Fargo] 1:45pm-4:45pm on Oct. 6th, 13th, 20th & 27th or 5pm-7pm on Oct. 18th. Events are free and open to the public. Space is limited and appointments are required. Please note that it will take a minimum of 30 minutes per car seat per car.
Fresh produce, berries, herbs, meats, jellies, flowers, hand-crafted items, & agriculture products will be available for purchase 3:30pm-6:30pm at the South Elmwood Park parking lot [500 13th Av W, West Fargo].
7
4
Head to Square One Kitchens [1407 1st Av N, Fargo], 6:30pm-9:30pm, for some kitchen know how! Be sure to come to this class hungry, as this will be a hearty one! Starting off the evening with chef prepared warm pretzel sticks before we head into the kitchen to prepare some traditional German fare! You will make fresh sausage from scratch for a delicious homemade bratwurst with a side of braised red cabbage and AMAZING beer cheese spaetzle! Then to finish on a sweet note, a chef-prepared German chocolate cupcake. Register online.
Roers/Keller Williams Chili Feed www.facebook.com/RoersChiliFeed Come to Roers Companies [200 45th St S Ste 1, Fargo], 11:30am-2:30pm and enjoy more than 50 different varieties of chili and vote for your favorite at the 7th Annual Roers/Keller Williams Chili Feed! Proceeds will help your local United Way of Cass-Clay create positive change in the lives of local men, women, and children.
Date Night Cooking Class: Oktoberfest 701.388.1137 www.squareonekitchens.com
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on the minds of moms | october • november twenty sixteen
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Moos, Ewes, & More! 701.231.9611 www.ag.ndsu.edu/ansc Head to the NDSU Equine Center [5140 19th Ave N Fargo], 10am-2pm for some FREE family- oriented fun and take in a little slice of agriculture right here in Fargo. Meet the animals that call NDSU home, taste ice cream samplers, enjoy agriculture activities, horsemanship demonstrations, sheep shearing demonstrations, and MUCH more!
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Basic Training for Dads 701.364.8100 www.essentiahealth.org This one-evening class, 6:30pm-8:30pm at Essentia Health [3000 32nd Av S, Fargo], is designed for ‘Dads to be’ and is taught by an experienced Dad. Topics covered include adjustments to fatherhood, how to support Mom, and the basics of infant care.
13 & 22
Lego Club www.larl.org All ages and abilities are welcome to come make their own Lego creation at our Lego Club. Supplies provided to build, but make sure to bring your imagination! Lego Club meets from 6pm-8pm on Oct 13th and
2pm-4pm on Oct. 22nd at the Moorhead Library [118 5th St S, Moorhead, MN].
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Tummy to Tot Expo 701.780.1660 www.safekidsgf.com Find the latest products, safety information, services, and fashions for you and your little one all under one roof. From noon-3pm at Alerus Center [1200 S 42nd St, Grand Forks].
16 & 17
Women’s Business Summit NDWomensBusinessSummit.com This Summit starts Sunday, October 16th at Sixteen03 Main Events [1603 E Main Av, Bismarck] with a Wine, Women, & Chocolate Reception, 6pm-8pm. Monday, October 17th at the Bismarck Civic Center [315 S 5th St, Bismarck] features a full day of outstanding personal and professional development opportunities! It includes the always-popular Entrepreneur Panel, our fabulous Keynote Speaker Sylvia Theisen, and an amazing lineup of breakout sessions! Breakfast and lunch provided, A variety of business resource partners will be available for free, one-on-one business advising sessions exclusively for Women’s Business Summit attendees!
20-22
Peter Pan www.ndsu.edu/performingarts Fly to Neverland with Peter, Tinker Bell, and the Darling children for this timeless tale about never growing up and living life to the fullest. Peter Pan will capture the imaginations of young audience members, as well as the young at heart—a perfect show for the entire family! Head to Festival Concert Hall [1511 12th Ave N, Fargo] for a 7:30pm start on Oct. 20th & 21st or 2pm start on Oct. 21st & Oct. 22nd.
21 & 22
YWCA/Altrusa Baby Shower www.altrusafargo.com Altrusa is dedicated to supporting women, children, and literacy by putting on service projects and fundraising. Head to the South University Kmart in Fargo, 5pm-9pm on the 21st and 9am-5pm on the 22nd, and be a part of the annual YWCA/Altrusa Baby Shower. Volunteers sitting in the entrance of Kmart [2301 S University Dr, Fargo] will be collecting baby supplies such as diapers, formula, pacifiers, clothing, books, wipes, baby monitors, etc.
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Boo at the Zoo 701.277.9240 www.redriverzoo.org Join us for a spooktacular day at the Red River Zoo [4255 23rd Av S, Fargo] 10am-5pm! Enjoy
a safe trick-or-treating adventure throughout the zoo. Create cute fall crafts, decorate pumpkins, and watch our animals receive Halloween treats from the Zookeepers. Regular admission rates apply; RRZ Members and children under 2 are free!
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Copper Ridge Fall Craft Show & Silent Auction smnelson21@yahoo.com Start your holiday shopping with many handmade crafts, such as crochet, knit, pillows, blankets, soaps, embroidery, and even food, 9am-5pm in the Old Teamsters Building [21 18th St S, Fargo]. This year we added a Silent Auction! FREE admission. For more information, contact Sherry at smnelson21@yahoo.com.
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Moonlight Monster Mash 701.499.6060 www.fargoparks.com Vampires, ghosts, and skeletons welcome, 6:30pm-9pm, at Fargo Youth Center [2500 18th St S, Fargo]. All participants are encouraged to wear a costume and dance the night away. Explore the haunted attic, play ghoulish games, and trick-or-treat for some spooky snacks. Enjoy a live DJ all night long and a spooktacular entertainment show at 7:30 pm. Parental supervision required. $3 per person, ages 2 & under are free. Tickets available at the door.
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Holiday Parents’ Night Out www.ymcacassclay.org/yprograms/healthy-living/familytime/ parents-holiday-night-out/ The Y wants to help ease your holiday worries by providing you with a night out, kid-free! Bring the kiddos [ages 6 weeks – 11 years] to the Fercho YMCA [400 1st Av S, Fargo], 5pm-8pm, and while you are away, the kids will enjoy active fun and games in the Playstation, Xerzone, Kids' Gym, and Basketball Gym. Must register by October 26th! Y member: $15/first child, $10/each additional; Non-member: $25/first child, $15/each additional.
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Fall Fun in the Xerzone www.ymcacassclay.org/ events/fall-fun-xerzone Head to the Fercho YMCA [400 1st Av S, Fargo], 1pm-3pm, for an afternoon of active fun, wacky games, and healthy snacks! All ages welcome, FREE and open to the community!
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Spooky School Bus Ride www.ymcacassclay.org/events
october events Story, come and meet all of your favorite characters! All ages welcome, Y members: $10/child, Non-members: $12/child [parents accompanying kids get in free!].
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Halloween Carnival www.courtsplus.org Head to Courts Plus [3491 S University Dr, Fargo], 3:30pm-5:30pm for their annual Community Halloween Carnival. This FREE Carnival is for children of all ages. There will be Inflatable Games from Games Galore, Carnival Games, Face Painting & Art Projects by the Fargo South Art Club, Trick-or-Treat Bags, Candy, Candy, and More Candy!!!! The Carnival is FREE and open to the Public.
Head to the Fercho YMCA [400 1st Av S, Fargo], 5:30pm-8:30pm, for a spooky good time! Have fun, play games available at the Fercho Y, and ride the spooky bus through Lindenwood Park! This year's theme is Toy
For a Home Building EXPERIENCE Above All the Rest! “Urban Prairie Homes was truly a wonderful building experience for us! They found ways to work within our budget and keep the look we wanted in our home. By far our dream come true!” - Kurtis & Katie
“I love my new house and really like how it stands out from the others with some of the neat design work Joe and his team have done. Definitely would recommend them to anyone looking for a new house with character of its own.” - Mark
Jenny Schuster · 701.729.5851 JennySchuster@ParkCompany.com 28 N 10th St· Fargo, ND 58102 october • november twenty sixteen | on the minds of moms
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www.onthemindsofmoms.com
www.UrbanPrairieHomes.com
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Safety Shoppe Car Seat Check www.sanfordhealth.org/ classes-and-events Statistically four out of five car seats are installed incorrectly. Are you sure yours is right? Don’t take a chance. Head to The Safety Shoppe [601 39th St N, Fargo] 1:45pm-4:45pm. Events are free and open to the public. Space is limited and appointments are required. Please note that it will take a minimum of 30 minutes per car seat per car.
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CPR for Family & Friends www.sanfordhealth.org/ classes-and-events This is a 2-hour class taught by American Heart Association instructors. This class includes infant and child cardiopulmo-
Saturday Fun Night ymcacassclay.org/y-programs/ youth-development/swimsports-play/saturday-fun-nights/ Calling all kids ages 5-12! Head to the Schlossman YMCA [4243 19th Av S, Fargo], 4:30pm-9:30pm, for a fun-filled Saturday Night in the Xerzone, Basketball Gym, Playloft, and Climbing Wall! Healthy meal and snack included! Y members: $18/child, Non-members: $25/child.
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Pink it Forward Women’s Day Out www.pinkitforward.org Grab your friends, head to Baymont Inn & Suites [3333 13th Av S, Fargo], 11am-3pm and get a jump on your holiday shopping while supporting a great cause. Over 50 vendors, socializing, shopping, and a silent auction! See you there!
This one-evening class, 6:30pm-8:30pm at Essentia Health [3000 32nd Av S, Fargo], is designed for ‘Dads to be’ and is taught by an experienced Dad. Topics covered include adjustments to fatherhood, how to support Mom, and the basics of infant care.
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Lego Club www.larl.org All ages and abilities are welcome to come make their own Lego creation at our Lego Club. Supplies provided to build, but make sure to bring your imagination! Lego Club meets from 6pm-8pm on Nov. 10th and 2pm-4pm on Nov. 26th at the Moorhead Library [118 5th St S, Moorhead, MN].
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Mom’s Little Helper 701.364.8100 www.essentiahealth.org An interactive class, 6:30pm-7:45pm at Essentia Health [3000 32nd Av S, Fargo], for expectant siblings ages 3 to 7. Brothers and sisters to be take part in a variety of activities including making a card for the new baby and seeing a newborn. The class shows siblings how to help with a new baby and what is involved in being the special
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older brother or sister. A children’s tour of Birthing Center is included. Parents remain in class with the children. Each child should bring a newborn- size doll or stuffed animal. Please fill out a separate registration for each child.
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Kids Healthy Cooking Class www.familywellnesscenter.org Cooking with kids is so much fun, and it’s a great way to teach independence. Join the fun at the Family Wellness Center [2960 Seter Parkway, Fargo], 6pm-7pm, and make a hot and cheesy meal that the kids are sure to enjoy! Ages 5+, ages 5-7 need to be accompanied by an adult. Up to 2 kids per adult. $10 Members / $18 Non-Members.
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MOMS Café www.facebook.com/MomsClubFargo www.momscluboffm@gmail.com Come to the First Congregational Church of Fargo [1101 13th Av S, Fargo], 10am-11:30am, for the monthly meeting for MOMS Club of Fargo/Moorhead IR, ND. Enjoy time with other moms, snacks, playtime for children, and an opportunity to learn more about the club. This event is free and open to moms and children in the Fargo/Moorhead area.
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Basic Training for Dads 701.364.8100 www.essentiahealth.org
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november events
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nary resuscitation (CPR), choking, and demonstration of an automated external defibrillator. This class is for anyone caring for baby. This is not an accreditation course, no card. Classes are subject to availability. Class is held at Sanford 1711 Office Building [1711 S University Dr, Fargo] 6pm-8pm Nov 3rd & 14th or 9am-11am Nov 19th.
www.onthemindsofmoms.com
contact Mary for all things adverti sing today!
Mary Klabo phone:
218.791.2848
EMAIL: mary@onthemindsofmoms.com
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on the minds of moms | october • november twenty sixteen
Proud to educate and empower over 11,200 students to succeed. For more information about Fargo Public Schools, visit www.fargo.k12.nd.us or call 701-446-1000.
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The Y wants to help ease your holiday worries by providing you with a night out, kid-free! Bring the kiddos [ages 6 weeks – 11 years] to the Fercho YMCA [400 1st Av S, Fargo], 5pm-8pm, and while you are away, the kids will enjoy active fun and games in the Playstation, Xerzone, Kids' Gym, and Basketball Gym. Must register by October 26th! Y member: $15/first child, $10/each additional; Non-member: $25/first child, $15/each additional.
Babysitting Lessons and Safety Training is the initial course for teens and pre-teens on the responsibilities of caring for children. Held at the F-M Ambulance Service [2215 18th St S, Fargo], 9am-3pm, participants will learn CPR and first aid for children, as well as diaper-changing techniques. They will also learn when to call 911 and what will happen if they do need emergency assistance. The course is designed for young babysitters ages 11–15. Limited space. Register online.
Drive through the Lindenwood Park [1712 5th St S, Fargo] and view holiday light displays sponsored by local businesses November 25th – December 31st, 5:30pm-10pm.
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Parents’ Night Out www.ymcacassclay.org/yprograms/healthy-living/familytime/ parents-holiday-night-out/
Turkey Day in the Xerzone www.ymcacassclay.org/ events/fall-fun-xerzone Head to the Fercho YMCA [400 1st Av S, Fargo], 1pm-3pm, for an afternoon of active fun, wacky games, and healthy snacks! All ages welcome, FREE event and open to the community!
B.L.A.S.T. Babysitting Camp 701.364.1704 sanfordhealthemseducation.org
Burn the Bird Thanksgiving Day 5k/10k www.solemotionrace.com/#!huffinfor-stuffin-registration/cfdr Don’t miss the 4th Annual Thanksgiving Day run, 8:30am at the Fercho Y [400 1st Av S, Fargo]! Burn off some calories before the big meal with a 5k walk/run or 10k run! All participants receive a race shirt!
Holiday Lights @ Lindenwood Park www.fmsertoma.com
november events
26 & 27
Santa Village www.fargoparks.com Celebrate the season of giving at Rheault Farm [2902 25th St S, Fargo], 1pm-7pm. Santa Village, located on a 15-acre enclosed farm site, is a non-commercial village where children and adults can make holiday memories with Santa and Mrs. Claus. Visit Santa, see live reindeer, decorate a cookie with Mrs. Claus, write a letter to Santa, participate in special art and craft projects, and enjoy light displays. Admission to Santa Village is free, however, guests are encouraged to bring donations of canned goods, cash, and new toys.
All event listings displayed within OTMOM are carefully selected to provide diverse options for families. More events found online at www.onthemindsofmoms.com/event-calendar. It is always a good idea to call ahead to confirm the information provided. Although it is not possible to list every event happening in the FM area, we encourage organizations to submit events for consideration to events@onthemindsofmoms.com
Families Making the Difference
www.onthemindsofmoms.com
A child needs you! Become a foster parent, Call today! Treatment Foster Care and Family-Based Services 701-280-9545 800-766-9321 www.pathinc.org
october • november twenty sixteen | on the minds of moms
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food for thought
simple cooking with heart:
apple nachos
sponsored by the american heart association
I
f you do the apple slicing, kids can get in on the action and assemble these nachos themselves. Use your favorite apple variety for this Simple Cooking with Heart snack or appetizer recipe or mix it up using a combination, like 2 sweet Red Delicious apples and 1 tart Granny Smith.
you need: 1/3 cup dried, unsweetened cranberries or raisins 1/4 cup sliced almonds, unsalted 2 Tbsp. hulled, unsalted sunflower seeds 3 red or green apples, cored and thinly sliced into about 12 pieces each 1-2 tsp. lemon juice 2 Tbsp. hot water 1/4 cup reduced-fat, smooth peanut butter 1 Tbsp. honey
how to: 1. In a small bowl, combine dried cranberries/raisins, almonds, and sunflower seeds. 2. Core each apple and thinly slice into about 12 pieces each. Layer half the apples into a large plate or platter. If the apple slices will be sitting
out for a while, sprinkle a little lemon juice over them to prevent browning. 3. Using the microwave or teapot, bring 2 tablespoons water to a boil. In a small bowl, combine hot water, peanut butter, and honey. Use a spoon and stir until mixture is smooth. 4. Use the spoon to drizzle half the peanut butter mixture over the plated apples slices; sprinkle with half the cranberry mixture. Layer the remaining apples on top and repeat with the remaining peanut butter and cranberry mixture. Serve. nutritional info per serving [6 servings per recipe]: 167 calories, 7.4 g total fat [1.1 g saturated fat, 0 g tans fat, 2.5 g polyunsaturated fat, 3.4 g monounsaturated fat], 0 mg cholesterol, 66 mg sodium, 22 g carbohydrates [4 g fiber, 15 g sugars], 4 g protein.
tips & ideas: cooking tip When using sticky substances like honey or peanut butter in a recipe, coat the measuring spoon or measuring cup with cooking spray for easier removal. keep it healthy Always opt for unsweetened dried fruit—the sweetened varieties contain too much unnecessary sugar. no limit The sky’s the limit when it comes to toppings for these apple nachos: any dried fruit, chopped nuts, pumpkin seeds, granola, or unsweetened shredded coconut.
Disclaimer: Recipe copyright © 2016 American Heart Association. This recipe is brought to you by the American Heart Association's Simple Cooking with Heart ® Program. For more simple, quick and affordable recipes, visit heart.org/simplecooking.
shutterbug
michelle warren photography
expressions by ashton photography
caitlin killoran photography exposures by j. linnea
caitlin killoran photography
expressions by ashton photography
rialee photography
michelle warren photography
exposures by j. linnea
gettin’ through it
addressing childhood trauma:
all of us – together story by | heather simonich, ma, lpc
www.onthemindsofmoms.com
H
e was six and it was his unexpected, quiet remark that clearly described the struggle: “I just feel like something bad is going to happen all the time.” For this boy, like many others, childhood included too many scary life experiences. He was prepared to respond to danger at any time—he knew it well. However, his remarkable sensitivity to detect danger and react quickly wasn’t always working out for him. In fact, at school he was now labeled “impulsive,” “aggressive,” and “oppositional.” The natural defenses he’d built were now seen as “acting out.” It was causing him and 28
on the minds of moms | october • november twenty sixteen
those around him great frustration and confusion. Early traumatic experiences profoundly impacted his ability to manage his feelings, control his behavior, and have relationships with friends and those caring for him. This once helpful, biologically driven response to danger was now betraying him. childhood trauma is common One out of four children will experience a traumatic event before age 16. There are key differences between run-of-the-mill stressful times and a traumatic experience. First, it poses a real or perceived threat to the life or well-being of the child or someone close to him [such as a
gettin’ through it parent or best friend]. Second, it causes an overwhelming sense of terror, horror, and helplessness. And finally, the body generally reacts to this threat automatically with increased heart rate, shaking, dizziness, and rapid breathing due to the release of stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol. This is often referred to as our “fight, flight, or freeze” response. Traumatic events are not limited to child maltreatment such as sexual or physical abuse but also include other events such as a life-threatening car accident, a natural disaster, or witnessing domestic violence. childhood trauma is complicated The signs and symptoms of traumatic stress are easily misunderstood in children. One of the greatest challenges in addressing childhood trauma is that it can look different in every child, even in siblings who may have very similar experiences. Children can express themselves in a wide variety of ways that may include: aggression, depression, self-harm, eating too much or too little, sleeping too much or too little, perfectionism, impulsivity, and/or substance abuse. Common signs of traumatic stress in children include an inability to focus or pay attention, quick to startle or react, recurrent nightmares, flashbacks or repetitive play around a certain theme, or avoiding anything that may be a reminder of earlier traumatic events. We must recognize signs of traumatic stress and intervene early. Less than ten percent of children who need mental health services ever receive them. Many children suffering from traumatic stress never receive
a diagnosis of Posttraumatic Stress Disorder [PTSD], but rather an extensive list of diagnoses such as: ADHD, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, Conduct Disorder, Bipolar Disorder, or Reactive Attachment Disorder. These labels generally don’t capture the full impact of trauma and often precipitate ineffective treatment because they distract us from what may be at the root of the problem—traumatic stress. childhood trauma is not just a mental health problem Exposure to continuous trauma causes the body’s alarm system to be easily triggered, releasing stress hormones that interfere with reasoning and activate
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october • november twenty sixteen | on the minds of moms
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gettin’ through it that flight, fight, or freeze response. Children struggle to learn and get along with friends or family members when living in a constant state of fight, flight, or freeze. Rather, their goal is to survive. The Adverse Childhood Experiences [ACE] Study demonstrated that the more adverse childhood experiences one goes through, the higher his risk of seven of the top ten leading causes of death in the U.S. One study demonstrated that people with six or more ACEs died an average of 20 years earlier than those without ACEs. The ACE Study demonstrated that trauma is both a mental and physical health problem. To learn your ACE score and more about this study visit: www.acestoohigh.com. Although most children exposed to trauma are extremely resilient with the support of stable, caring adults, some children need trauma-specific mental health treatment. Trauma-focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy [TF-CBT] is a treatment model designed to help children and their families overcome traumatic experiences. To learn more about TF-CBT and other evidence-based treatment models visit www.nctsn.org.
childhood trauma calls for collaboration It takes all of us to successfully address childhood trauma. Children living with its effects are in our community—every city, big or small. They need: • families, teachers, and childcare providers to understand that their challenging behavior is a cry for help, even when it seems to be a personal attack or defiance. • adults to acknowledge trauma and accommodate their needs to help them acquire coping skills to be successful at home and school. • legislators and school administrators who recognize the need for consistent social emotional curriculum and value it as much as any other academic curriculum. • helping professionals who feel supported with access to the resources to help families manage challenging behaviors. • their own families to be empowered by systems that are committed to including them, because we know children have the best chance when we support their families. • systems that are committed to screen for traumatic stress as a possible explanation for their educational or behavioral difficulties, because we will never know if we don’t ask. • communities that encourage collaboration to address the various forms of inequality that exist in our culture and are so often at the root of trauma. These solutions are critical for ALL children—not just those coping with traumatic stress. All children will benefit from trauma-sensitive systems and communities. One person, family, or system cannot do it alone. It takes all of us. Together.
www.onthemindsofmoms.com
childhood trauma does not define a child There is tremendous hope. We know more about childhood trauma and its effect on the developing child than we ever have before. The resiliency of the developing brain provides an opportunity for us to intervene and provide healthy, safe, and nurturing experiences that help heal. We all have the potential to be the person who provides that steady, healing relationship for a child. Here are a five things you can do today to support a child exposed to trauma: 1. recognize the impact of trauma Consider what has happened to this child versus what is wrong with this child. Educate yourself about how trauma affects the developing child. Ask yourself: “Could trauma exposure be at the root of this situation?” 30
on the minds of moms | october • november twenty sixteen
2. help children feel safe Feeling safe helps children calm their overactive, stressed-out systems and consequently manage their behavior and feelings more effectively. Recognize that your definition of safety will often be different from their definition. Ask: “What would help you feel safe here?” 3. be reliable Build a relationship with a child or support the child’s existing relationships and family connections. A healthy relationship with one supportive adult is the number one predictor of resilience in children. 4. let them know what is coming next and give choices Structure and predictability help children feel safe. Offering choices gives them a sense of control, which can be a safe feeling. 5. remind yourself that behavior always has a purpose A child’s challenging behavior may be his best attempt to cope with emotions stemming from really scary past experiences. Our job as supportive adults is to help him find new strategies for managing these overwhelming emotions. A graduate of Concordia College and Ball State University (Muncie, IN) with a master’s degree in Counseling Psychology, Heather currently serves as an Operations Director for PATH of North Dakota; a treatment foster care and family-based services organization located in Fargo. Heather routinely provides trauma-informed care training and consultation to child-serving organizations throughout North Dakota. Heather and her husband Mike have three very active boys, Ian [13], Joey [11], and Drew [8]. They enjoy all things sports and spending time together at the lake in the summer.
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october • november twenty sixteen | on the minds of moms
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A
n Oakes, ND, graduate, Matt Olien has always been the younger brother of Reed and Nancy. Matt embarked on his college career with an Accounting major in his sights, but in the middle of his junior year he changed majors
and colleges, eventually graduating from the University of North Dakota with a degree in Speech with emphasis in Radio and TV. He worked in public radio and TV in Grand Forks before becoming a news reporter in Fargo and settling into his current position with Prairie Public Television in 1998. That same year Matt married Desira and today they are proud parents to Nick [15] and Chloe [8]. Away from work, odds are you can find Matt taking in a recent movie release or one from his massive collection of over 4,000 films on DVD and VHS. “I’m basically obsessed with my love for movies,” he confesses.
photos: caitlin killoran photography | caitlin killoran
matt olien
rad dad
age 52, fargo.nd
if i could live any time in history it would be during…
growing up i always knew…
Hollywood in the 1930s. Preferably as a major film star. I would love to experience what that would have been like and to live in LA at that time.
the interesting thing about being a father is… I have two distinct relationships with each child. Nick is very much “my boy.” He’s a lot like me, has this kind of “rain man” ability, like me, to memorize facts and be fascinated by history, politics, and entertainment. So we have a special bond. My relationship with Chloe is somewhat different, probably due to the oppositegender thing. But it has grown incrementally each year, and now we have certain things we do together, like go to movies, and I find I even like helping her dress and undress her dolls. So we have a strong bond.
my idea of solitude involves… watching a movie by myself in a dark theatre, or in my “movie room” downstairs at our house.
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I wasn’t quite like other kids in all respects, and I knew my life would take me beyond the town I grew up in.
if we are facebook friends you know… that I always will post death notices on Facebook for famous people when they pass on. Kind of like a news service, if you will. LOL! Myself and several friends, Jason Branby, Bruce Asbury, Skip Wood, and Travis Jensen, kind of have an odd hobby of keeping track of famous people dying over the years.
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october • november twenty sixteen | on the minds of moms
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New Dynamics Counseling
rad dad
people are always surprised to find out i… basically can’t fix anything mechanically, or it’s a struggle for me. I’ve gotten better at this kind of thing over the years, but still require help from others and the “kindness of strangers” or neighbors, if things don’t work right, mechanically speaking.
growing up the smartest person i knew was… my father, Art Olien. I could ask him virtually anything, and it seemed like he had the answers.
as i’ve gotten older i’ve gotten better at… dealing with stress, being able to manage multiple things at once, and being able to basically manage my own life and my two kids’ lives as well. At least in terms of knowing their schedules, and getting them where they need to be, on time. I am very dependable too. If I say I’m going to do something, I will do it, and usually ahead of schedule. I have a very hard time dealing with undependable people.
www.onthemindsofmoms.com
my kiddos have definitely taught me… how to be more patient, and to realize the world doesn’t revolve around me, like it maybe did when I was single. Parenting doesn’t come as easily for me as it does for my wife and I really have to work at being patient and rolling with the punches. I have improved in that area enormously since my son was born in 2001.
one of my wife’s best qualities is… she is very kind to people and normally bends over backwards [sometimes to a fault... LOL!) to make 34
on the minds of moms | october • november twenty sixteen
sure she is helping. She is a very hard worker as well, and doesn’t mind hard work.
my parents were great examples of… they have character. I could always depend on them for anything, and I still can ask them for help to this day, if I or we need it.
hands-down, my favorite all-time movie is… The Godfather Part II. It’s the best movie ever made about America, the business of America, and the immigrant experience in 20th-century America.
i’m a big fan of… the Ohio State Buckeyes football program.
i really admire people who… are really good in sports. I was an okay athlete and still am, but I always wished I would have been a bit better at golf, kind of like my brother Reed, who is an outstanding golfer. I also admire people who can fix things, ‘cause I can’t.
if money were no object, i would… travel to Europe with my family, in a heartbeat. It is one of our goals, to go to Europe as a family.
i hope my kids know i… will do anything for them in my power to make sure they are taken care of, and to also make sure they achieve their career and personal goals with a college education. And that they’re happy. They also know that they can depend on me, no matter what happens.
IT’S TIME TO GIVE EQUAL RIGHTS TO CRIME VICTIMS IN NORTH DAKOTA
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october • november twenty sixteen | on the minds of moms
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oh, by the way
a nose for motherhood
story by | deb uglem
www.onthemindsofmoms.com
I
was sitting at a stoplight in Schaumburg, Illinois, when I realized, wow, I could use a burger. I looked around and not one restaurant in sight. But I am not kidding you, I could smell the burger. It was as if someone was grilling in the backseat of my Pontiac Sunbird. The light turned green and I checked the rearview mirror and there he was, about three cars back. Some stranger in the driver’s seat enjoying his lunch. I am still not sure what it was, possibly a Big Mac, maybe a Whopper, all I know is I wanted that burger bad. I was five months pregnant with boy number one and, wow, my nose was crazy great.
My nose has gotten better with each pregnancy and with each passing year of motherhood. At times I find it a double-edged sword. Burgers, flowers, and chocolate-chip cookies are the benefit. But dirty socks, seafood, and volleyball knee pads, they are a different story. You wouldn’t believe what my nose can do—smell 36
on the minds of moms | october • november twenty sixteen
someone smoking from half a mile away, a cup of coffee from three doors down, and I certainly know if there is a lilac bush on the next block. I probably inherited this gift from my mother. When I was young you could hear her, “What is that smell? Don’t tell me you can’t smell that. There’s something rotten in the fridge.” And my personal favorite, “Take a shower!” I have to admit, I always had her smell the milk to see if it had spoiled. Back then I had no idea of her skill level, she was just my mom, but now…I get it. Maybe this heightened sense of smell was given to mothers for survival. Mom and house survival, that is. It’s discovered many stinky towels in corners, plates of food under beds, and, of course, dirty diapers were changed earlier than later. It has been documented that smell is closely linked with memory, probably more so than any other of the senses. A smell can trigger a long-forgotten experience. It can take you back days, months, or years and is closely tied to emotion. What is interesting is that I didn’t realize the power of this
oh, by the way sense until my kids moved on to bigger and better things, as they say. Last week I was walking to breakfast in the brisk fall air and the smell hit me like a ton of bricks. I was instantly back looking at a little boy with a Star Wars backpack waving at his three siblings, still in their pajamas, as he jumped on a bus. In the next second I was moved in time to a football game in 2010, the orange and black was moving, and I was yelling, “Go, Spuds, Go!” A moment later I was in Ames, Iowa, and then Rock Island, Illinois, wondering if they knew how to buy groceries, wash laundry, or find their first classes. It comes quickly, these experiences. It’s as if I am Dr. Sam Beckett in “Quantum Leap,” jumping from place to place at any given time. The difference is I don’t need Ziggy to help me out with context. I know exactly where I am at [you may have guessed, I loved Quantum Leap—shout out to late 80’s TV]. It’s hard to predict when it will happen, but I am moved in time constantly. I smell Pizza Corner pizza baking and it takes me back to hours of discussion in our kitchen after high school sporting events. The scent of Glade vanilla candles moves me to Michigan where I am desperately trying to disguise the smell of three kids in diapers. Bed Bath and Beyond body spray has me cleaning my daughter’s room. I walk into a hockey rink and that aroma places me in a small locker room tying six hockey skates. If I smell the chlorine from a nearby pool, I am back cheering an eight-year-old on in the 25-yard butterfly.
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Raised in Finley, ND, Deb has called the Fargo-Moorhead area her home for the last 14 years. A graduate of Drake University in Des Moines, IA, with a degree in Journalism and Mass Communications, she is currently Marketing & Communications Director for Wanzek Construction. Deb welcomes the pleasant distraction that writing brings and thanks her children, Jake [22], Tony [21], Nick [21], and Emily [19] for inspiration. Deb and her husband Tim like to spend their free time with their kids and on the golf course.
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My theory, after 22 years of motherhood, is that moms were given this super sense to help them through difficult transitions. Here is my case in point: we were lucky enough to have one of our kids come home this summer, and it was great. When he headed back to college, I’ll be honest, I was excited to get my office back [sorry, Tony]. I walked into the room to reorganize the space and the smell took me back. First to high school and dirty laundry, then to a room with a bunk bed and three boys jumping around in Power Ranger underwear, then way back to them holding a sweet little girl just home from the hospital. I stopped. Went back to the living room. Tears in my eyes and sat close to my husband, “I think I miss that smell. Where did the time go?”
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october • november twenty sixteen | on the minds of moms
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body + being
hello, gorgeous! makeup must knows
story by | brian haugen
www.onthemindsofmoms.com
E
ach time I make up a new face I’m blown away by a woman’s natural beauty. Every woman, young and old, has a unique and perfect shape to her eyes, lips, cheeks, and face. Since the late 1990s, when I began working as a makeup artist, I have loved watching the faces of models, moms, celebrities, and brides come alive and glow with personality and self-esteem. Individually they’ve all had beautiful features to enhance; my style of makeup brings out each person’s natural beauty, enhancing their best features. Moms and daughters are fun to make up because they both have different needs and wishes. Moms want to have features played up and hope their daughters don’t play those features up too much! Here are few of my favorite makeup tips and tricks. tip #1: a little help here… My first suggestion is to get help from a makeup artist. I’ve learned that women, young and old, whether they use makeup or not, want to learn how to apply makeup. Participants at my makeup-party workshops have fun learning and using my makeup and brush techniques. 38
on the minds of moms | october • november twenty sixteen
Together we find the right foundation/concealer, try colorful multi-textured eye and lip products, and practice brush handling and strokes for eye-popping makeup! I love watching the transformation of each participant! Before and after pictures don’t lie! tip #2: eyeliner for them all… I have a few must-do suggestions. First is wearing eyeliner. I find many women don’t wear eyeliner at all, but it’s a game changer! I teach a unique technique called tight lining that every girl and woman loves to learn. Another suggestion is for women of a certain age to be cautious wearing super-shimmery eye shadow in all the wrong places, and also not using some kind of foundation, whether powder, liquid, or cream. Shimmery and satin eye shadow strategically applied enhance the eyes. Foundation, even lightly applied, camouflages sun damage, red spots, and other discoloration. I love the changes these three must-dos, eyeliner, proper eye shadow usage, and foundation application, bring to a woman’s overall look and self-esteem. tip #3: wash up… Cleansing is so important! Teens, get in the routine. Moms, you’re never too old. Cleanse your face before
body + being bed with a clean washcloth and towel! Clean washcloths will prevent transfer of bacteria and acne breakouts. tip #4: young lady, hear this… If I could talk to every girl before she started using makeup, I’d say have fun wearing makeup and try different things! Try, for example, wearing brown eyeliner instead of black, occasionally applying a light, shimmery beige eye shadow to your lid, and try a shimmery pink lip gloss instead of ChapStick or Carmex. I’d encourage the use of a tinted moisturizer, which is a light foundation with sun protection and helps against aging skin. And don’t forget tip #1—have an expert match your foundation, concealer, powder, and other cosmetics. tip #5: not so fast… As women age, I am often asked about combating the signs of aging. I highly suggest using skin serum, eye cream, and lip treatment along with a daily super-hydrating moisturizer to help your skin regenerate, rejuvenate, and slow the process of aging. I also suggest finding skin treatments with peptides, hyaluronic acids, and alpha hydroxyl acids, which restore skin cells and retain collagen while retaining and adding moisture and elasticity to the skin. I always recommend cosmetics and skin care that give skin a dewy, glowing look. This does what makeup is meant to do, which is to enhance the skin, making it look younger and more youthful. Makeup is fun…plain and simple. If it weren’t, I wouldn’t have dedicated my career to it! I’m so grateful for all
of the faces I’ve touched and everyone I’ve taught. I hope to see you, your daughters, and girlfriends at one of my makeup events! I’ll be with my company, Makeover Workshop, in the Fargo and Minneapolis-St. Paul areas this fall. The schedule for the Fargo area will be during the first week of November and in the Minneapolis area the last weekend of October. Check online at www.makeoverworkshop.com for the specific registration information! I look forward to seeing you there, gorgeous! xoBrian Brian Haugen enjoys and delivers in both areas of beauty—hair and makeup. Brian’s creative interests in hair and makeup began to take hold while finishing a Bachelor’s degree in Psychology from Brigham Young University during the early and mid 90s. His passion for both hair and makeup come from his early training and work in a salon he owned and operated in Salt Lake City. It was in SLC where he developed his work doing both hair and makeup with local TV personalities. Currently his career encompasses working with celebrities and models for red-carpet appearances, tour engagements, and magazine articles. A partial list of stars he’s worked with includes Mariah Carey, Camilla Belle, Mary Murphy, Carrie Ann Inaba, Emily Deschanel, and Taraji Hensen. Commercially, Brian has worked with a number of corporate brands; to name a few—L’Oreal, Estee Lauder, Victoria’s Secret, Kraft Foods, Johnson & Johnson, Ed Hardy, Vogue, Self, Lucky, and more. Brian’s love for teaching makeup and beauty transformation led to the development of his brands Makeover Workshop and Makeover Workshop Cosmetics. The Workshop brand is about teaching personal beauty transformation to women through the art of makeup, hair, and style. Brian has artfully touched thousands of women: celebrities, models, and his most favorite, the everyday woman.
www.onthemindsofmoms.com
october • november twenty sixteen | on the minds of moms
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did you know
family on a mission… story by | pink it forward & otmom
T
www.onthemindsofmoms.com
ake a family…a family with a long history of breast cancer…mothers, wives, sisters, daughters, friends… four from this family are on a mission to make a difference…a mission to pay it forward…to Pink It Forward.
RueAnn, Tammy, Deanne, and Kayla are family. RueAnn and Tammy are sisters, Deanne is their cousin, and Kayla is Deanne’s daughter. RueAnn, Tammy, and Deanne are breast-cancer survivors. Kayla is adamantly doing what she can to prevent a future diagnosis. Together they wanted to provide hope and empowerment by enriching the lives of all those affected by breast cancer, so they started Pink It Forward, a 501c3 non-profit. Do you know about Pink It Forward and how it can impact your loved one battling cancer? why did you start pink it forward? Within the last three generations, ten women in our 40
on the minds of moms | october • november twenty sixteen
family have been diagnosed with breast cancer. Breast cancer has become, seemingly, second nature. And with the good fortune of beating this relentless disease, we wanted to do something to give back—to pay it forward—to pink it forward! That was the start of our organization. We know those going through treatment need something to help lift their spirits during this trying time. And those closest to them are looking for the opportunity to show that person they care. Since three of us have been through breast cancer, we knew there were things that we felt helped us get through the journey, so we thought why not help others going through breast cancer? We wanted to do what we could to support the many women, and even some men, fighting this disease. what does pink it forward do? Individuals who have been diagnosed or know someone who has been diagnosed can reach out to www.pinkitforward. org and request one of our four packages: Treatment,
did you know Determination, Pajama, or Relax Package. Each package is put together with the breast-cancer patient in mind and includes different items such blankets, lotion, chocolate, journals, robes, and water bottles, to name a few. All packages are completely free upon request, we just need a name and address [US and Canada only] and we take care of the rest, with recipients receiving their package in seven to ten days. did you say free? Yes! We do not charge anything for the packages. The fundraising events and donations we receive are how we provide packages to the recipients. To date, we have sent out over 560 packages! Many who have received packages will respond on Facebook or email us letting us know that we have touched them or put a smile on their faces. That makes all the work we do so worth it! Also some of the package recipients go out of their way to attend one of our events just so they can talk with us. That in itself is worth the time that it takes to run the Pink It Forward organization!
3 ways to support pink it forward DONATE Go online [www.pinkitforward.org] and make a monetary donation. ATTEND Keep an eye out for upcoming events such as the 3rd Annual Pink It Forward Women’s Day Out. Grab your friends November 6th, head to Baymont Inn & Suites [3333 13th Av S, Fargo], 11am-3pm, and get a jump on your holiday shopping while supporting a great cause. SHOP Visit the Pink It Forward’s online store [www.pinkitforward.org/shop] for cool gear and accessories and support a great mission with each purchase.
what are some of the pink it forward events? Some of our yearly events include a ‘Glow In The Dark Golf’ event in Mandan, ‘Women’s Day Out’ event in Fargo, ‘Get Pumped In Pink’ and the ‘Wine and Tie’ events in both Bismarck and Fargo. This past September was our first year doing a ‘Tossing for Tatas’ bean-bag tournament at Pub West in West Fargo. These events help us raise funds so we can continue to support our programs. We try to focus on events that will help others get involved as well. The month of October has a tendency to get very busy for us when schools host their own Breast Cancer Awareness events and ask us to come and setup a booth, which helps get the word out to the public about who we are. Businesses have also hosted events such as ‘Friday Jeans Day’ and donate the funds collected to Pink It Forward. We have been so fortunate that the business community has helped us out in this way. www.onthemindsofmoms.com
what constitutes a successful day at pink it forward? Our hope is to put a smile on the face of someone who is going through breast cancer, even if it is just for one minute. We want them to know they are not alone. We’ve been on this journey and know it can be very sad and lonely at times, but there are others out there who care about what they are going through.
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just a thought
when we know better… story by | kathleen wrigley
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www.onthemindsofmoms.com
am chairing a statewide initiated measure that would elevate crime victims’ rights. Here’s why I said “YES” to Marsy’s Law [Measure 3]. I am not a lawyer. I am not a politician. I am not part of any system. I am a mom. I am a daughter and a sister. I am a volunteer for community events and organizations, church, and my kids’ school and sporting activities. I am you. And I believe that each of us has significant life experiences that help mold us and leave an imprint on us and that, hopefully, we try to use what those experiences teach us for good.
Many of you know that my only brother, Danny Boyle, was a 21-year-old rookie Philadelphia Police Officer when he was killed in the line of duty after a routine car stop. Unbeknownst to him, the man behind the wheel of the stolen vehicle was in prison just weeks before, but had been released with only his signature and a promise to show up for his next hearing. He and hundreds of other inmates were set free because of overcrowding in the Philadelphia prison system. Once released, he did not show up for his hearings and a bench warrant was issued for his arrest. In the weeks after 42
on the minds of moms | october • november twenty sixteen
his release he shot and killed two people. The second victim was my brother, Police Officer Daniel Boyle. The system failed. My father, a police officer himself, and the Philadelphia District Attorney petitioned a United States Senate Judiciary Committee to lift the prison-inmate cap and to find other solutions to the overcrowding problems. The committee voted to lift the cap. We’ll never know how many lives were saved by advocating for this change. No system is perfect. But when we know better, we do better. Before he died I promised my brother that his life would not be in vain; that I’d live a life large enough for both of us. I would live a life large enough for both of us. What in the world did that mean? I was 20 years old, for crying out loud. And so began the next chapter of our lives, trying to make sense of this horrible tragedy. We had no way of knowing that our journey through the criminal justice system would take 25 years. The appellate journey outlasted Dan’s life by four years. But with challenges come lessons. My parents and I have learned that there is tremendous healing and growth
just a thought in taking our sadness and turning it toward service for others. We have a hugely successful scholarship fund in Dan’s name, and have gifted more than 700 children a Christian/Catholic education based on financial need. I have tried to use what I know to help others understand and navigate the criminal justice system as a victim advocate in the homicide unit of the Philadelphia District Attorney’s Office and in the Child Advocacy Center in Bismarck, North Dakota, as the Director and forensic child interviewer. Last year, because of my professional and personal background, I was asked to consider chairing a statewide victims’ rights Constitutional measure called Marsy’s Law for North Dakota. To be honest, at first I paused. I wasn’t sure if this measure was necessary in North Dakota because we have statutory law addressing victims’ rights. I researched the state law and reached out to law enforcement, attorneys, and elected officials. Then I talked to North Dakota crime victims. What I learned from them solidified my next steps.
In the fall of 2015 I signed on to chair Marsy’s Law for North Dakota. I have never led anything of this magnitude. I will say it again: I am not a lawyer. I am not a politician. I am you. I have life experiences as a victim’s family member and as a victim advocate, but mine isn’t everyone’s story. So I listened. I was in a position—and had a platform—to help. When we know better, we do better. Here’s what I know now: Marsy’s Law for North Dakota ensures that victims of crime are protected with basic, fundamental rights, including the right to be notified; the right to be heard; and the right to be free from harassment due to their victim status. I have learned that too many North Dakota victims describe feeling like second-tier citizens in a process that started with them or their family member being hurt. Too many victims are not notified of court proceedings. Their phone calls and questions are often ignored. They did not have a voice in important stages of the criminal justice system, like bail and sentencing hearings and plea agreements. Some victims were harassed in hopes that they’d grow weary of the process and drop charges
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just a thought in certain types of cases. The mom of a rape victim described her family’s story to me. She said it was like she was told to make a cake, but had no ingredients and no recipe. Her family was lost and overwhelmed, feeling victimized all over again. They had no voice. When we know better, we must do better. Marsy’s Law for North Dakota does better. The process of getting a Constitutional measure on the ballot is appropriately arduous. First we gathered a committee from across the state [law enforcement, attorneys, business people, clergy men and women, advocates, and
private citizens]. Then our team asked state prosecutors and law enforcement personnel to read our proposed language and help us re-draft it so that it met their approval. Every detail they thoughtfully offered was drafted into the final language of Marsy’s Law for North Dakota. Next we submitted the language to the ND Secretary of State and it was approved in December of 2015, giving us the green light to the next step: collecting the necessary 26,904 signatures required for a Constitutional measure. We submitted more than 44,000 signatures to the Secretary of State’s Office last spring. We did it! Marsy’s Law for North Dakota, Measure 3, will be on the November ballot. YOU, the people of North Dakota, will decide in November if our state will treat victims of crime as fairly as it treats those accused of committing a crime. But before you do, I want you to know more about Measure 3, Marsy’s Law for North Dakota. Marsy’s Law for North Dakota is a measured and fair set of protections that upholds our values of justice and respect for victims of crime. This is the exact language you will read on the ballot in November:
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“This initiated measure would add a new section to Article I of the North Dakota Constitution to provide a number of rights of crime victims in this state in a manner no less vigorous than protections afforded to criminal defendants, including the rights of crime victims to be treated with respect, to be free from harassment, and to be protected from the accused. The measure would provide for the safety of crime victims in bail and release decisions and in protecting information that might be
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on the minds of moms | october • november twenty sixteen
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just a thought used to harass or locate crime victims. Crime victims would have the right to be present at certain court and related proceedings and to be heard concerning such matters as release, plea or sentencing of the accused, and parole and pardon matters and to be notified of any release or escape of the accused. Crime victims would have the right to provide information about the impact of the offender’s conduct and to receive relevant reports or records including pre-sentence reports. The measure would also require prompt return of victims’ property when no longer needed and to a timely restitution.” Marsy’s Law for ND, Measure 3, elevates the existing statutory law to the same level of protection as afforded to accused criminals without diminishing those enshrined rights and protections. None of us wants to diminish the accused’s Constitutional rights and protections. Marsy’s Law for ND ensures that victims of crime are protected with basic, fundamental rights: the right to be notified; the right to be heard; and the right to be free from harassment. There are well-intentioned people [attorneys, advocates,
and people within the system] on both sides of this measure, and I look forward to the discussion ahead. But the more I listen to the opponents of Marsy’s Law for ND, the more convinced I am that North Dakota needs better protection for crime victims. I have heard an opponent, a prosecutor, say, “This will create more work on Mondays,” and “This will put all victims of crime on the same level, whether it’s a rape, murder, or petty theft.” I have to shake my head in disbelief. Elevating victims’ rights to the Constitutional level would not be a heavy lift if the existing statutory law was being properly enforced for victims in North Dakota. State’s Attorneys have actually called law enforcement personnel to tell them that if Marsy’s Law passes, Sheriffs will be responsible for driving hundreds of miles to transport anyone who calls himself a “victim” to and from court. That is a blatant untruth. And disheartening. It is time for North Dakota to join the 32 other states that currently protect their crime victims at an elevated level. North Dakota is one of only 18 states that do not have these fundamental, basic Constitutional rights for
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october • november twenty sixteen | on the minds of moms
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just a thought victims of crime. We know better. It’s time to do better. Or shall we tell the family of the four-year-old child pornography victim that she doesn’t deserve rights after her dignity and innocence have been stripped from her? Or tell the mother whose daughter was raped and beaten that if her daughter has these elevated rights it will create a burden for the people who work within the system? Or tell the parents and family of the man who was shot and killed at a wedding reception last year that they don’t deserve rights? Marsy’s Law for ND is clear. It is precise. It is not another opportunity for government to reach too far into our lives. It will never replace the discretion nor the authority of judges, prosecutors, and law enforcement. None of it is new or untested. This level of protection for victims works in other states, and works in our own federal criminal justice system. Our own federal prosecutors in North Dakota comply with these sets of victim protections every day. It’s written by North Dakotans for
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on the minds of moms | october • november twenty sixteen
North Dakota. It does not create a victim industry. The “right to be heard” is not the right to be believed. And it doesn’t diminish anyone else’s rights or protections. Measure 3, Marsy’s Law for ND, is right and fair. We know better. It’s time to do better. I am asking you to vote “YES” on Marsy’s Law for ND, Measure 3. For victims. Kathleen has three children. She is the school counselor at Shiloh Christian School in Bismarck. Kathleen is the statewide Chairperson for Marsy’s Law for North Dakota, a victims’ rights Constitutional measure. Kathleen has spent her adult life fighting for victims’ rights and supports balance and fairness in the criminal justice system. She is also deeply interested in advocacy, education, programs, and research relating to the protection of children. Fitness is an integral part of Kathleen’s daily routine and helps her sustain her own mental health! Kathleen’s column “ just a thought” has been a regularly occurring piece in “on the minds of moms” since 2009. Kathleen is a Philadelphia native, and has called North Dakota her second home for the last 18 years. Before becoming a mom, she was director for Bismarck’s Child Advocacy Center and was a speechwriter. Kathleen received a BS from Pennsylvania State University and completed her graduate studies at Temple University in Philadelphia. Currently, Kathleen is a graduate student at the University of Mary, pursuing a second master’s degree, this time in School Counseling.
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october • november twenty sixteen | on the minds of moms
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val kleppen & michelle warren
story by | sheri kleinsasser stockmoe
I
t was a hard day. There had been a lot of hard days in the last three weeks for Val Kleppen, but this was Mother’s Day. It was especially hard. She didn’t feel like there was anything to celebrate this year. Then she got a text from her friend Michelle Warren. Michelle had something she wanted to talk about. Val didn’t want to talk to anyone, but something told her she should talk to Michelle. Before she could reply to the text her phone rang. “Val, it’s Michelle. I have an idea…”
meant to be photos: rialee photography | ria czichotzki
meant to be
val and her family hold harlynn close, represented by a teddy bear in all their family photos.
One in four pregnancies end in loss. Think about that… one in four pregnancies…not women…pregnancies end in loss. A pregnancy that ends in loss is emotional, disheartening, and, while all too common, leaves a sense of loneliness and isolation. Local moms Val Kleppen [Haley 6 and Heston 2] and Michelle Warren [Alivia 9, Ethan 7, and Jacob 4] are using their experiences, talents, and conviction to provide families suffering pregnancy loss the gift of community, compassion, and remembrance. the loss April 10, 2013, at 12:16am, Val gave birth to her second daughter, Harlynn. “I went into labor the day before,” Val says as tears fill her eyes, remembering that day when she was 37 weeks pregnant. “I felt her move that morning.” That evening, as her contractions became more intense and sporadic, Val and her husband Brent went to the hospital. “We found that Harlynn’s heart had stopped beating,” Val says quietly and swallows hard in an effort to hold back her tears. “I went from being in labor, to finding out my baby had died, to delivering death, essentially.” Any parent can try to imagine the pain of losing a child, but to live through that pain is virtually unexplainable. The overwhelming sadness, along with decisions that have to be made, can create a crushing sense of confusion and disarray. Do you want photos taken? Are you going to have a funeral? Who do you want to do the funeral? “I didn't see a point to taking pictures that day,” Val remembers thinking. “When was I going to be able to show them to anybody? My husband was the one who said, “Yes, we're getting pictures,” and I thank God that he was insisting on that because that's all I have today.”
www.onthemindsofmoms.com
Val vividly remembers visiting the funeral home to make arrangements. “I walked into the room where they had caskets for me to choose from, and when I saw how tiny they were…I was not prepared for that,“ she says, as tears fill her eyes. “I really wish someone would have told me ‘you need to be prepared.’” capturing time Michelle Warren was working in the banking industry and taking photos on the side for friends and family when she heard about an organization called Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep [NILMDTS]. Per their website, www. nowilaymedowntosleep.org, ‘NILMDTS trains, educates, and mobilizes professional quality photographers to
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on the minds of moms | october • november twenty sixteen
meant to be provide beautiful heirloom portraits to families facing the untimely death of an infant.’ Michelle saw value in the organization, and while she didn’t have the experience of many photographers, she sent in her application. “I didn't want to quit my job and do photography, but I thought it was a way for me to give back. I really didn't think I'd get accepted,” she admits. But she did.
hard day,” Val says as she holds back tears. “Michelle texted me and said ‘I have something to tell you, can I call you? It'll be really quick.’ We were just on our way out the door to go to the cemetery. Emotions were high, I hadn't talked to anybody all day, but something told me I needed to hear what she had to say.”
calls or responding to text messages. It was a very, very october • november twenty sixteen | on the minds of moms
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www.onthemindsofmoms.com
“Michelle called me and she had just left the cemetery to see Harlynn, which...I can't even tell you what that meant to me,” Val says. Michelle explained that while “My mom and everyone was like, ‘can you even do that? doing the NILMDTS photoshoots, she saw what the do you really want to do that? how can you do that?’” family was going through in the hospital room, but since Michelle says of the obvious reluctance to being a part spending time with Val and her family and seeing the of a very sad day for families. “But when you're doing trials they were experiencing, “We've got to do more,” it, you know why you're doing it. Once you get those Michelle stated. “I want to start an organization to help.” pictures out and see what a gift it is to people, you don't feel your pain as much. You focus on the fact “That was like a light-bulb moment for me,” Val says of that it’s going to heal something, it’s going to cause the realization she could use her situation for good. “I maybe even a little bit of joy for some families. That was still living in this tunnel just trying to get to the outweighs the bad of it.” next day. I literally lived on coffee and sunflower seeds for three months.” Michelle’s idea provided a light to converging paths move toward. Michelle received a request from a former co-worker to take pictures at a local visitation and funeral for a Val did her best to control her emotions as Michelle family’s baby girl. She agreed. confessed she didn’t know what this organization would look like or really what they would do, but that, “We got to the funeral home first,” Val remembers “I want to do something and I want you to know that of her husband and daughter Haley’s desire to have Harlynn's life was not in vain,” Michelle told her friend. some time alone with Harlynn before things started. “Michelle arrived during that time and was in the back Val was on board and did her best to convey to her getting her gear situated. I just knew it was her. I went husband the conversation she had with Michelle and back and said, ‘Megan, my friend in Minot, said I'm she shared an idea she had. “I told him I really hope supposed to give you a big hug.’ And she hugged me she calls it Harlynn’s Heart,” Val remembers. ”But I right back. It wasn't just like she stood there and let wasn't going to tell Michelle that because this was her me hug her, she hugged me right back. Immediately, brainchild.” even though my daughter was in her casket in the next helping room, I knew that Michelle was someone I needed to The idea of starting an organization to help families have coffee with later. I just knew.” experiencing pregnancy loss was fresh in their minds “Yeah. I'm not a huge hugger,” Michelle says with a shy as the women’s friendship deepened. “One of the smile. “I'm not this person who goes around giving things I love about Michelle is she can make me laugh, random hugs, but there was definitely an instant regardless of how I’m feeling,” Val says of her friend. connection with Val.” “One night as we chatted on Facebook she was making me laugh at a time when I really needed it, and out of the idea the blue, up pop the words on my screen: I think we A friendship flourished. What started as Facebook should start Harlynn's Heart,” Val says, trying to smile friends turned to text messages and conversations and the tears away. “It took my breath away because I had even times crying together as Michelle tried to console prayed about this. Brent was the only person I told. Val in the early stages of her grief. And I knew he hadn’t told Michelle. Things like that kept happening where we just knew it was meant to be.” “It was Mother's Day of 2013, and I wasn't answering
meant to be Three short months after meeting, Val and Michelle officially launched Harlynn’s Heart, a non-profit focused on the immediate, short-term, and long-term needs of families encountering pregnancy and infant loss. “When I told people about starting Harlynn’s Heart it sounded a bit crazy, a little bit unorthodox,” Michelle confesses. “But I think it was divine intervention—us meeting—and the whole process was meant to be. We could have just went on our merry way and not acted on the idea, which is what I think a lot of people do because it’s an abundance of work, but we kept thinking there's things we can do now while we're doing the paperwork. We're still figuring out our path and our way, but even if we help just a couple families, that's a good thing.” Halrynn’s Heart is there for families in the hospital and out. Its services include: bereavement birth-attendant services, in-hospital visits and support, assistance with funeral/burial planning, follow-up care, and connecting, when requested. The organization also provides resource materials for grief, memorializing baby, and what to expect after loss. Harlynn’s Heart organizes periodic events to encourage healing through art, discussion, and other means, and creating a community to connect parents and families to support each other in their similar journeys. “Pregnancy and infant loss is nondiscriminatory. It can happen to anybody and every single family is different,” Val explains. “The dynamic is different. The situation is different. They're from different places, different backgrounds, and so the biggest part in us providing support is being able to read that family’s situation and circumstance.”
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Michelle agrees. “We just provide what is needed, but the thing is, most families don't even know what they need. We help them figure out what they need. I mean when you say ‘funeral’ to parents who just lost their baby, it doesn't even register in their heads that once they leave the hospital they need to plan something. We are there to help them not have regrets later.” Val and Michelle offer resources, recommendations, and a safe environment to ask questions and share emotions without fear of judgment. “Michelle and I both cry with the families,” Val says. “We don't weep at their bedside, but we definitely shed tears right along with the family. It's the most awful journey any parent has to walk through, losing a child.”
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The first call Val and Michelle went on for Harlynn’s Heart was just a few short months after Val lost Harlynn. “I think I was still kind of just processing everything at that point,” Val says of her own grief journey. “But I remember answering two questions and just seeing the look of relief on this mother’s face, and that solidified for me that we had to do this. We've got to keep doing this even if it’s hurtful to me.” words Infant loss in pregnancy is something no one wants to talk about, but it shouldn’t be a taboo. Val has taken her love of writing to blog about her experience and struggle to keep moving forward in a voice that is real and raw. “After losing Harlynn everyone tried to be helpful and I was emailed link after link to blogs of someone who's been through this,” Val explains. “I’d read these blogs and they seemed so polished and through the lens of ‘we miss our baby, but God is awesome.’ I believed that, but I certainly didn't feel it in that moment! Where are the blogs that talk about what crap this is, about the struggle and the heartache?” She started blogging about her feelings and thoughts as they happened. “It’s essentially my personal published diary,” Val says. “Healing is an ongoing process. It's not a stop-and-start process, it’s cyclical and everything's a trigger. Things will crop up. If I've learned anything, it’s that we have control over nothing. Even three years later I still struggle, I still write about how hard it is.” Michelle sees Val’s writing reaching far more people than just those who have lost a child, but also their friends and families. “They don't know what to say, they don't know what to do,” Michelle says of those wanting to support their loved ones. “Her blog, I think, really helped me because I think people are scared they will say the wrong thing, so they say nothing. That is almost worse. You should say the baby’s name and you should talk with them and you should do all these things that people think are taboo.” together Harlynn’s Heart has partnered with Hospice of the Red River Valley to provide a monthly Pregnancy and Infant Loss support group. Cheryl Link, a Bereavement Specialist with Hospice who co-facilitates the group with Val, says working with the support group “has been rewarding professionally, as I learned of the uniqueness of this type of loss.”
meant to be Val and Cheryl both marvel at the support and validation of feelings and experiences attendees offer each other. “The group is well attended, which shows us that this is a definite need in our community,” Val says. “Attending a support group is not for everyone,” Cheryl acknowledges. “But I would encourage anyone interested in attending to give the group a try a few times because it can be an invaluable source of support. It can be difficult for people to open up in front of a group of people or even walk through the door of the building to come to group, so Val and I offer to visit with people beforehand if they are more comfortable with that.” Having walked in their footsteps, Val does her best to convey two important lessons she has learned. “First, give yourself permission to grieve messy,” she says. “Too often we want to put a bow on how the process of loss should look, but that's not real life. It’s messy. Give yourself permission to allow it to be messy. Secondly, it sounds cliché, but there is life after loss. It doesn't get better; it just gets different, but you're able to function. Tomorrow is a new day. You just have to walk it out. You have to allow yourself to walk it out and eventually you'll be able to be at a point where you can turn around and say, ‘I made it that far and the next day I made it that far.’” remembering This past year when Harlynn’s Heart put out a notice to form an advisory board, Jill Stromsborg was one of the first to apply. “I had been a big supporter of Harlynn’s Heart from the beginning and always loved Val’s articles that she wrote, as well as her blog,” Jill says. “I had been looking for something like Harlynn’s Heart to get involved with so I was honored to find out I was chosen to be on the board.”
www.onthemindsofmoms.com
Like many of the advisory board members, Harlynn’s Heart hits close to home for Jill. Almost 5 ½ years ago she and her husband lost their son, Ethan, full term, on his due date. “To say it was devastating would be an understatement,” Jill explains. “After losing him we left the hospital with really nobody to turn to who understood what we were going through. I found people avoiding us and changing the subject when we tried to talk about Ethan. I think a lot of people thought we should just move on and have another baby. In reality our world had just stopped and we just wanted our son back. We did have some amazing family members and friends to lean on, but I wish we would have had october • november twenty sixteen | on the minds of moms
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meant to be someone who understood what we were going through. Harlynn’s Heart provides the support those families NEED during times like this.”
Michelle states. “We're not just this group of people that want to help other people. We are professionally trained. That's a great thing.”
www.onthemindsofmoms.com
In an effort to better serve the families, Val and Michelle “God’s directing exactly what we need to do, at the right saw the importance of being certified Bereavement Doulas. time we needed to do it,” Val says of her completed A bereavement doula is trained to support families certification. “Michelle and our board members are going experiencing any birth outcome during any trimester through the training too. So not only have we walked with superior knowledge in most subjects pertaining to through our own loss journeys, but we have taken trainpregnancy, birth, postpartum, and bereavement. Currently ing to understand how to best serve others physically, Val is certified, and Michelle and the other members of emotionally, mentally, spiritually. It's all-encompassing.” the advisory board are working toward their certifications. Throughout the year Harlynn’s Heart sponsors a “The bereavement doula training gives us credibility,” number of events, such as a balloon release, a Dads’
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on the minds of moms | october • november twenty sixteen
meant to be Night Out, Moms’ Gathering, and an annual memorial that coincides with National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day on October 15th. This event offers attendees the opportunity to remember their children and participate in the National Wave of Light, where candles are lit across the country at 7pm. “To know that we can provide some comfort during an overwhelming and devastating time is something that I am proud to be a part of,” Jill says. “When I have someone tell me ‘thank you for listening’ or ‘thank you for having this event,’ that is what this is all about. We want these families to know that they aren’t alone.”
Harlynn’s Heart has also donated CuddleCots to our local Fargo/Moorhead hospitals. CuddleCots are a cooling bassinet device that delays decomposition of a baby who has passed away. The family is able to keep their baby in their room with them longer than what is traditionally allowed. “It gives the family more precious time with their baby,” Michelle simply explains. “These parents have become extended family of mine,” Val says of the relationships she has made through the work of Harlynn’s Heart. “It's hard because every year that family grows and grows, but these people are so dear to me and I would not have met them any other
www.onthemindsofmoms.com
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meant to be way. I hate how we met, but I'm so glad that we're able to be there for them.” changed “Val has a passion like no other when it comes to this organization and Michelle is someone who never does something half way,” Jill says of the two friends. “If you are ever in a room with Val and Michelle at the same time it’s just amazing how they can read each other’s minds when it comes to what we want to do at Harlynn’s Heart.” The pair make a good team. “She's a visionary and I am more of a task master,” Val says with a laugh, as Michelle nods in agreement. “She comes up with an idea and I say, ‘all right, let's do it.’”
questions, make a donation & more info: www.harlynnsheart.org
events & happenings:
www.facebook.com/HarlynnsHeart
val’s blog:
www.mindmumbles.com
support:
Pregnancy & Infant Loss Support Group meets the fourth Tuesday of each month, 6:30pm-8pm, at Hospice of the Red River Valley, 1701 38th St S, Fargo [use west door]. For more information or questions, call 800.237.4629 and ask for the bereavement department.
While the goal of Harlynn’s Heart has always been to make a positive impact in our community, these cofounders couldn’t have imagined the personal impact it would have on each of them. “It changed my life totally. My life is nothing like it was,” Michelle says of starting the nonprofit. “I was corporate America… black pants and uncomfortable shoes every day…I quit that and started my photography business. My goals in life changed. This event in my life made me shift my priorities more towards my children and I view success differently now. I think that being happy and trying to help others is the way a successful person truly lives.” “It has opened my eyes to be more compassionate and see beyond myself,” Val says of starting Harlynn’s Heart. “Everyone has a struggle and there was a point in my life before I was pregnant with Harlynn where I was being asked ‘what are your passions?’ and I was making stuff up because I felt like I didn't know, but I had to have something. I've since learned, after starting Harlynn's Heart and being a family of five minus one, that sometimes we might search a little too hard for our passion instead of letting our passion find us.”
www.onthemindsofmoms.com
Val and Michelle saw a missing piece, a hole that needed to be filled. They made the decision to do something about it…to start Harlynn’s Heart…it was meant to be. Proud mama of Seely and Shya, and wife to Van Halen super-fan Stu, Sheri is also co-founder of OTMOM. She believes in UND green, Jesus, burnt marshmallows make the best s’mores, coffee…lots and lots of coffee, she has the best mom and dad ever, and without a doubt EVERYONE has a story to share.
photos: tiffany bell
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on the minds of moms | october • november twenty sixteen
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ready, set, grow
is this normal? story by | sheri kleinsasser stockmoe
O
ur #1 priority is keeping our kids healthy and happy, but we also don’t want to be known as the crazy mom who brings her kid to the doctor for every cough and scratch, fearing the worst. But it is important to remember that you’re the mom and you’ve been given this gift of “gut feeling,” so don’t underestimate it. When my oldest was just a few weeks old, I got some great advice from a close friend and seasoned mom veteran. She told me, “Trust yourself. Any time I have really felt like there was something wrong with my kids, I’ve been right.” Good advice, and here’s some info on common kiddo struggles and when a trip to the doc is warranted, but remember…trust yourself…you know your kiddo best.
ready, set, grow
as many as 50% of 4-to-24-month-olds are described as picky eaters by their parents
wee ones [0–18 months]
Y
ou’ve read the books. You’ve stocked the pantry with mashed peas, peaches, and rice cereal. You know this is when you’re supposed to start introducing solid foods. What if your wee one wants nothing to do with the spoon? not hungry? The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends starting solid foods at six months. But as early as four months your wee one may show signs of transitioning readiness. Those signs include having head control, sitting well, losing extrusion reflex [tongue pushing food out], displaying chewing motions, significant weight
gain, growing appetite, and an interest in what’s going from your plate to your mouth. Yes, getting accustomed to solid foods and eating from a spoon might take some time. This form of eating offers new flavors as well as textures never experienced before and not all wee ones are ready at the recommended time. It might take three to four times before your wee one will give the new food a try. Or you might just need to wait a couple weeks and try again. That is normal, and it’s important you don’t force the issue. If your wee one continues to refuse solid foods, is not gaining weight, not developing normally, or he coughs, chokes, gags, or vomits during feeds, see your doctor.
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on the minds of moms | october • november twenty sixteen
A sweet offer: Women of all ages who enjoy singing are invited to our Open House at Trinity Lutheran Church, 210 7th St. S., Moorhead, MN on October 6th at 6:30 pm. Ladies, if you love Christmas music we would love to have you sing with us at our Christmas Concert on Sunday, December 11, 2016 at Trinity Lutheran Church. Learn more at: www.acappellaexpress.com
real women. real harmony. real fun.
ready, set, grow
80% of kiddos are completely potty trained by the time they are three and a half.
tots
[18 months–3 years]
S
ure, you want time to slow down just a little bit and keep that little baby boy around longer. But let’s be honest, when it comes to diaper duty, the sooner you get that tot potty trained, the better! you want me to what? So, what if he just isn’t getting it? He’s old enough. You’re doing what you’re supposed to do. He’s displaying the signs of potty-training readiness: imitates going potty like a big kid, verbally communicates other sensations like being hungry, understands simple requests, such as "go get the blanket," begins to pull diaper off when dirty, or comes to tell you he's dirty, able to pull clothes on and off, and stays dry for longer stretches [three to four hours]. But he still doesn’t get it. Now what? • back off He just might not be ready yet, so let him know that when he is ready the big-boy potty is ready and waiting.
• bad timing Trying to potty train during a stressful time or time of change [moving to a new house or bringing home a new baby] is a recipe for resistance. • change it up The potty training trick that worked like a charm with your oldest might not phase your current tot. Be ready to change up your approach. a real problem Many times potty training resistance is simply a power struggle. If he can postpone #1 or #2 or hides while doing it, it’s a good sign there isn’t a medical reason for his delay in potty training and most struggles are only temporary. But there can be medical reasons for your tot’s resistance. If he displays pain with urination, wetting during laughter or while running to the toilet, constantly damp underwear, or chronic diarrhea or constipation, visit your doctor to rule out any physical ailments.
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ready, set, grow
anxiety-based school refusal affects 2-5% of school-age kiddos
preschoolers [3–5 years]
I
t’s understandable that your preschooler is going to have times when he doesn’t want you to leave. Gosh, they just love you and want to be with you! Peeling a preschooler off your leg is, well, heartbreaking.
please don’t go Separation anxiety is common in the early months of childhood [eight to 14 months, typically], but it isn’t out of the ordinary for a preschooler to experience it too. It might come out of the blue, or maybe there is a change in environment [new daycare, preschool, or the family has moved], or he is worried about life at home [mom and dad fighting or someone sick]. If you are confident the environment you are leaving your preschooler in is safe and he is simply experiencing separation anxiety,
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on the minds of moms | october • november twenty sixteen
here are some tips to help make your get-away: • short & sweet Keep your goodbyes quick. The longer you hang around, the more anxious you will get, which will feed your preschooler’s anxiety. • you go, he stay Send clear messages that you expect him to stay. Don’t cave and take him home. That only reinforces the behavior. • be upbeat Don’t get upset. Having a positive attitude toward the people and environment you’re leaving your preschooler in lets him know this place is okay. • your turn Let another family member do the drop and see if the problem remains. Don’t be surprised if you think you have kicked the problem and it rears its ugly head again. That is normal, but if it interferes with normal life activities and it intensifies over time, it may be a sign of separation anxiety disorder [SAD]. Signs of SAD may include: refusal to go to school for weeks, constant complaints of physical sickness, refusal to sleep alone, excessive distress with even the thought of separation, excessive worry about the safety of himself, a family member, or being lost, and age-inappropriate clinginess or tantrums. The symptoms of SAD can be associated with other conditions or psychiatric problems. Consult with your doctor if you feel your preschooler’s situation could be more than separation anxiety.
night terrors affect about 6.5% of kiddos and 2.2% of adults
ready, set, grow
big kids [6–9 years]
I
t’s reasonable for our big kid to be scared of things. Their imaginations make them prime candidates for scary dreams. But when are scary dreams something to be concerned about?
really scared It’s not uncommon for big kids to suffer from nightmares or night terrors. Nightmares usually occur in the later hours of sleep. He wakes up scared or upset, but you are able to comfort him and he will usually be able to remember at least parts of the nightmare. Night terrors typically occur about two or three hours after falling asleep. He will wake suddenly and may yell or scream in distress. Unlike nightmares, he will not be able to be comforted and will have no memory of it the next morning.
•
•
•
•
which is a medical condition involving repeated stoppages in breathing while sleeping and can then disrupt deep, slow-wave sleep. drooling, jerking, or stiffening Although relatively rare, these movements after a night terror may be a sign of nocturnal seizures. increased frequency Nightmares or night terrors could worsen or occur more often or even more than once a night. longer than 30 minutes Your big kid should calm down and return to sleep shortly after the night terror starts. dangerous behavior during an episode Some children may sleep walk during a night terror and it’s important to monitor any behavior that may be dangerous.
A number of factors can cause these sleep disorders, such as being sick or overtired, stress, anxiety, or medications. You can do your part to prevent them by having a healthy sleep routine, cutting the caffeine, and no scary TV before bed.
www.onthemindsofmoms.com
Most cases of nightmares and night terrors do not require medical treatment, but if you notice any of the following signs, there could be a more serious condition: • snoring or any problem breathing while sleeping Night terrors can be a sign of obstructive sleep apnea,
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ready, set, grow
in a 2009 study, 26% of 8-to-12-year-olds said that they were more worried than they were the previous year, but only 17% of parents thought that their kiddos’ stress had increased
tweeners [10–12 years]
Y
our tweener has a number of things to be stressed about as he transitions to young adult. It’s important to identify a stressed-out tweener and equip him with skills to combat stress, because stress is one thing there is always enough of! stress for everyone Stress can affect anyone and it’s subjective as well. For you, stress is associated with piles of laundry, work, and unpaid bills. For your tweener, stress is about tests, activities, and what he’s doing Friday night. Different stressors, but all significant. The signs of stress can appear as sleeping issues, mood swings, nervousness, a drop in grades, or feelings of constantly being pressured. If you see your tweener getting stressed out, start by talking and LISTENING. Too often us moms want to “fix” the problem and your tweener needs you to hear what is bothering him and you need to show you are concerned by listening intently. Then, together, take
a look at helping relieve his stress: • schedule revamp Being overscheduled can be a huge stressor. Consider cutting something if needed. • goal achiever Being an overachiever can create a lot of stress. Help your tweener set realistic goals and establish a game plan to reach them. • attitude check Help your tweener stay positive and make sure you are modeling a positive outlook and optimistic point of view. • healthy living Getting a good night’s sleep, eating healthy, and exercising are beneficial on many levels. • relax Help your tweener find ways to release stress positively. Listening to music, exercising, deep breathing, whatever works for him. Not addressing tweener stress can lead to more serious problems such as anxiety, depression, panic attacks, low self-esteem, or drug and alcohol abuse. Visit your doctor if the struggle with stress worsens.
October 28, 2016 7:00-11:00 PM www.onthemindsofmoms.com
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on the minds of moms | october • november twenty sixteen
one in five teens suffers from depression
ready, set, grow
teens [13–18years]
T
he life of a teen can be hard. As parents, we anticipate some highs and lows. It is very important we don’t ignore the signs of depression and pass it off as normal teen mood swings. Depression is very serious and you can help.
www.onthemindsofmoms.com
more than sad Depression is much more than just being down in the dumps. Despair, hopelessness, sadness, discouragement, and anger describe depression. Depression is treatable, but it is estimated that only 20% of teens receive help. So what is “normal” teen behavior and when should you turn to a professional? The teen years can have a lot of drama. From parental conflict to puberty to just fitting in, your teen can experience a lot of changing moods, but don’t overlook: • Your teen seems sad or cries frequently for no apparent reason. He feels worthless or may show a disinterest in his future. • Depression doesn’t always appear as sadness, especially in teens. Irritability and angry outbursts can be common. • Adults will tend to withdraw from everyone when depressed, but teens typically don’t completely withdraw from everyone. They may socialize less than before or start hanging out with a different crowd.
• Things that were once important to your teen now aren’t. • Your teen may show a marked weight gain or loss, too much or too little interest in food, or have difficulty getting to sleep or waking up. • Depressed teens will often complain of physical pains such as headaches or stomachaches when there is no physical reason for the pain. • Your teen is unable to complete the simplest of tasks because he is fatigued, lacks energy, or has difficulty concentrating. • If your teen makes statements related to death or suicide, ALWAYS take them seriously!
Sources: www.helpguide.com | www.healthline.com | www.kidhealth.org www.merckmanuals.com | www.ourstressfullives.com | www.keepkidshealth.com www.childrenshospital.org | The Baby Food Bible by: Eileen Behan, copyright 2008 www.healthyplace.com
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some things just fill your heart without trying
photos: exposures by j.linea | josette hayes
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