let’s talk about sex… talking tips for parents

story by | key keifer

Oh…the joys of parenthood! Sticky hugs, adoring smiles, homemade cards...then, all of a sudden, you are faced with the question, “Mom, what is sex?” I know, I know. You thought that this moment was years away. It is time for you to prepare and start talking.

Parents Are The Best Protection

Studies show that parents have the single greatest influence on the sexual decisions their children make. Teenagers themselves say that they care deeply what their parents think about sex. That’s why it’s so important to talk openly and honestly with your kids about the risks of sexual activity and the many benefits of saving sex for marriage.

Let’s face it: your child is going to learn about sex from someone, at sometime. He is exposed to 14,000 sexual references every single year [38 per day] in music, television, movies, video games, print ads, etc. It is far better for him to view you as the authority on these issues, instead of the internet or what he hears from friends. You can provide a strong foundation for sexual decision making, built on positive communication and clearly defined boundaries.

Provide guidance regarding sex based on your family’s morals and values. As an extremely intimate human experience, sex can impact one physically, emotionally, spiritually. Parents should consider the most important thing that they want their kids to understand about sex and let that shape the tone of future conversations. An example could be: Sex is a beautiful and private expression of love between a husband and a wife.

Effectively discussing the topics, however, can’t be seen as a one-time event…or even something to wait to begin until the teenage years. This should be an ongoing process that involves educating your child; making natural observations; and responding to the things your kids see and say when you’re together.

From the first moment that you hold your newborn, you teach them something about human love and touch. As they begin to identify their body parts, use proper anatomical terms for genitalia and their functions. A boy has a penis and a girl has a vagina: these are private parts. When you and your child are both comfortable with use of this accurate terminology, a potential barrier to future conversation is eliminated. [Warning: children often like to try out new vocabulary in loud voices at the grocery store. Explain to your child that we don’t talk about genitals in public or with outside voices.]

When your curious child asks you a question about sex, babies, anatomy, etc, take the time to say, “What made you think about that?” Not only will this give you a few moments to gather your thoughts, it will also give you some idea of what sort and how much information they are asking for.

Before puberty, talk to your son or daughter about the changes that will begin to take place in their body. On average, puberty begins between ages nine and eleven for girls and ten and thirteen for boys; your child may begin puberty later or earlier. Explain that everyone experiences this stage of life in a unique way and in their own time.

Arm yourself with up-to-date information about sexually transmitted diseases [STDs], pregnancy and the emotional consequences of early sexual activity from trustworthy sources. Two recent publications that provide a thorough look at the issues include:

“Unprotected” [2006, 2007] by Dr. Miriam Grossman and “Hooked” [2008] by Dr. Joe McIlhaney and Dr. Freda McKissic Bush.

STDs are caused by bacteria, viruses or parasites. Some resolve on their own; some can be treated and cured; some viral STDs [HIV and herpes, in particular] can be treated, but not cured. STDs can be transmitted by vaginal, oral or anal sex. Some STDs, including Human Papilloma Virus [HPV] and herpes, can be spread by contact with infected skin surrounding the area that condoms cover. Teenagers and young adults represent nearly half of the nearly 19 million newly diagnosed STD cases annually. Many STDs have no symptoms and some can lead to genital warts, ulcers, infertility, cancer or even death.

The cost of teen childbearing is high in terms of dollars, as well as its impact on lives. Teen parents are more likely to: drop out of school, continue to have out-of-wedlock babies, change jobs more frequently, be on welfare, have mental and physical health problems. Children of teen parents are more likely to: have low birth weight, have childhood health problems, be hospitalized, be poor, be incarcerated.

In addition to possible physical consequences, emotional consequences that can result from adolescent sexual activity include increased rates of depression and impaired bonding ability in the future. The majority of teens who have been sexually active regret their decision and wish that they would have waited.

unsure of what to say?

While there is no magic script to go by, three key themes to focus on include: reasons to wait, the purposes of sex, and the brain and sex.

Reasons To Wait

Your child does need to hear good reasons to wait to have sex. The pressure surrounding them is intense and includes other related risk behaviors: alcohol, drugs, tobacco, etc. Let him know how valuable he is. Tell him that you want the best for him—and then explain what the best is!

Dream with your child about his future. Talk about what he wants to do after high school. Find out what he thinks the perfect job would be for him to have. Write these goals and dreams down and post them on the fridge. Then, talk about how an emotional breakup, an unplanned pregnancy or contracting an STD may impact his plans.

Teach your child to value his future spouse. Heisman Trophy winner Tim Tebow recently rendered a room of news media speechless when he announced that he was a virgin and that he was saving himself for marriage. Young people do still make this choice. Ask your child about the sort of person they would like to marry and the character traits that they feel would be important in a life-long mate.

You may be thinking to yourself that your life situation doesn’t include marriage, so why should you encourage your child to wait? Whatever your own situation is, it doesn’t change the fact that the healthiest decision is to have one sexual partner for life. The chances of that are significantly higher if a person waits until marriage to have sex.

Purposes Of Sex

Talk to your child about the purposes of sex within marriage: babies and bonding. A majority of married couples do have children. And, for the most part, sexual intercourse is how babies happen!

Intimacy in marriage – including, but not limited to, intercourse – is the glue that holds the relationship together. Sex provides pleasure, encourages faithfulness and even helps couples move through stressful times. All of this serves to intensify the bond between husband and wife.

The Brain And Sex

Recent advances in neuroscience technology have allowed scientists to actually map brain activity and make new discoveries. One of the most important discoveries for parents should be the fact that we now know that the brain is not fully developed until a person reaches their early- to mid-twenties. Included in this late brain development are the structures that are responsible for mature decision making and impulse control.

During sex and sexual arousal, chemicals [oxytocin in women and vasopressin in men] are released in the brain that facilitates bonding between the participants in the sexual activity. Oxytocin is also released in women during labor and nursing, which aids in bonding mother to infant. This brain bonding works beautifully in marriage to create strong bonds. Outside of marriage, however, it can be painful to have a relationship end when you are chemically bonded to one another.

This would also be the opportune moment to begin discussions about sexting, lascivious electronic conversations and pornography. The same brain chemicals are released with sexual arousal and/or release from viewing pornography or other titillating material as are released when the arousal involved another person. The explosion in technology over the past several decades has made it imperative that parents equip their children and teens with guidance, boundaries and a safe place to talk about these issues. You can visit www.illusionsprogram.net to get additional information and resources about this issue.

remember to talk with your teen, not at them

You know your child better than anyone else. You are best able to gauge how much information to share at a given time. It is more important to speak from your heart not from a script. Ask open-ended questions to get a conversation started.

If your child has already started having sex, you absolutely need to talk with them. First, make sure that they receive testing for STDs. Next, understand that the past is the past. He can start over and choose to wait. He needs to know that he can turn to you for support and accountability…not for punishment.

Your own past may include some sexual decisions that you now regret. Don’t let this stop you from encouraging your child to make the healthiest choice, by waiting to have sex. None of us want our children to repeat the mistakes that we made or the consequences that we faced as a result.

Finally, you may wonder if you shouldn’t be teaching your child about condoms, just in case. The world throws sex and condoms at your child every day. You don’t need to. Tell them that you believe they can rise to the standard that your family has set. You may be the only one giving them this encouragement. And, you may save them from a lifetime of regret.

Be an ever-available resource to your children. Encourage them to ask you question and be honest with your answers. If you don’t know the answer, tell them that and then commit to finding the answer.

For additional assistance and resources, contact Make a Sound Choice at 701.297.7548.

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