happiness choosing heidi funk

story by | patricia carlson

It’s amazing how the decisions people make in their lives can have a direct impact on who we are and what path we take. Even the choices of those we have never met can set into motion a series of events never imagined. For Heidi Funk, a convergence of people coming into and out of her life has helped make her into the person she is today. She is the first to tell you that if it weren’t for the moments of sheer happiness and devastating loss she has experienced, she would not know the true joy that life can bring.

The Relationship

Heidi grew up in the small Minnesota town of Borup. She had two loving parents, a younger brother and lots of friends. In high school, the cute, ambitious blonde landed both a spot on the cheerleading squad and at the International Science Fair in San Juan, Puerto Rico. “She would set goals and work for them,” says her mother, Linda Smith. “Heidi was always motivated.”

In the fall of her senior year, Heidi met a guy from a neighboring high school in Ada, Minnesota. By all accounts, Bill Jacobson was that guy in high school—popular, athletic, intelligent, friendly. “Bill made people feel good about themselves,” says Linda. It was perfect timing.

Just after Christmas that year, Heidi’s parents called a family meeting. Her parents were getting divorced. Heidi was devastated. “I had a very hard time with it,” she recalls. So she turned to her loving boyfriend for support and guidance. “Bill really helped me get past it and show me that I needed to forgive my dad and I needed to rebuild that relationship,” she says. “And I did.”

Choosing Happiness

In the meantime, high school sweethearts Heidi and Bill made plans to build a life together and things were going exactly as planned. “We dated for a couple of years before we got engaged, waited until we had finished college to get married, waited to find stable jobs before we bought a house, and then waited a couple of years until we were settled to start a family,” she explains. “As a mom, I saw something “special” [between them] even as friends,” says Heidi’s mom, Linda. “They complimented each other completely.” Bill’s mother, Kathy, agrees. “They had a very loving marriage in which to us it seemed liked they shared everything with each other…even a twin bed!”

So, at the age of 25, Heidi says she and Bill felt comfortable with the idea of becoming parents. “There were a couple of set backs, some unexpected miscarriages, but by December of 1996 I had, at last, been able to reach 20 weeks in my pregnancy,” she says. Heidi and Bill were overjoyed. They even had a name picked out. “We finally let ourselves relax,” she says.

On a Friday afternoon, Bill, a math teacher, chose to share his proud news with some of his students. That evening, Heidi and Bill decided to go Christmas shopping in St. Cloud, about a half hour away from Milaca, Minnesota where they lived. “It was an unremarkable evening—errands, dinner, a little shopping,” recalls Heidi. They headed for home around 9 pm because Heidi had to work early the next day. “I reclined my seat to catch a quick snooze on the way home. I squeezed his hand, blew him a little kiss and drifted off.” At that very moment, a man was leaving a bar.

The Wreck

The man, who already had several previous drunken driving convictions was, once again, getting behind the wheel while intoxicated. He confused the 4-lane highway he was traveling on for a 2-lane road. He came up a hill, rounded a curve…and slammed headon into Heidi and Bill. Because of the impact of the crash, Heidi, who had been sitting in the front passenger seat, needed to be rescued from the trunk. Bill suffered a broken neck and died instantly.

“The very, very first thing I remember was waking up with my mom on one side of me and Bill’s mom on the other side,” she says. “And, right away that struck me as odd, because why would she be with me? I asked, ‘Where’s Bill?’ I saw a look pass between them and I knew. They acted like they couldn’t understand me because I was on a ventilator but they knew what I was asking.” Heidi fell back asleep, utterly exhausted. She had a closed head trauma, a lacerated liver and the right side of her body was crushed. During the first couple of days after the accident, Heidi underwent 13 hours of surgeries and Heidi and Bill’s baby died in utero. “I remember delivering our son [stillborn],” she says, “and afterward struggling to decide if I should use the name we had picked out for a boy or to name him after his father.”

She named him William, Jr., after his dad. They are buried together in Ada.

The Recovery

Faced with incredible uncertainty—about her health, her job, her life—Heidi began to rebuild her body with remarkable determination. “My greatest fear had always been that somehow I would lose Bill,” she says. “But, really, it was knowing how much he believed in me that helped me face all the scary unknowns.” She immediately set about trying to find a doctor willing to help her regain mobility in her ankles as previous doctors had told her she would never walk again. She contacted a foot and ankle trauma specialist and he successfully reconstructed both of Heidi’s ankles.

Heidi’s rehabilitation was long and difficult. “It was painful, it was scary, it was hard work,” she says. Heidi’s mother took a leave of absence from her job to care for her daughter. Bill’s family remained firmly in Heidi’s life. “Bill chose Heidi to be a part of our family through his love for her and through their marriage, and his death wouldn’t change that,” Kathy says. “We told her from the day of the accident on that we loved her and she would always be our daughter-in-law.”

With the immediate danger of losing her own life finally out of the way, the overwhelming grief caused by the accident began to grip Heidi’s heart and soul.

“With my condition stable and some of the shock having worn off a bit, I was finally feeling the devastation of the loss of my husband and child,” Heidi recalls. But a chance meeting with a chaplain at the hospital where she was recovering helped put Heidi’s life back on a path that she thought had been shattered forever.

“She told me that it was okay to be angry. I believe that had this chaplain not given me the permission to allow myself to experience these emotions as part of my grieving, that I would have spent my entire life feeling conflicted in my faith.” Heidi adds.

The Renewal

Halloween, 1998. Two years had passed since Heidi’s accident. At a costume party, her cousin introduced her to a guy she knew from work. On their first date, John Funk remembers asking: ‘What has brought you here at this point in your life to be sitting here on a date with me?’

“She paused and thought for a moment and then responded that her story would scare me and she was not sure I was ready or would ever be ready for the whole thing,” he says. “I encouraged her to please share and Heidi gave me a real quick overview of the accident and her loss and briefly explained to me what had happed to her. I was stunned!”

Over the next few months, the new couple talked about Heidi’s health and she disclosed that there could come a day when she probably wouldn’t be able to walk; her inability to carry a child—the accident had stripped her of that; and Heidi’s relationship with Bill’s family—they would always play an important role in her life. “I’m sure that he had to do quite a bit of soul searching to decide if these were things that he could truly accept,” Heidi says. One thing that made his decision a little easier was being accepted by Bill’s family.

“Almost immediately, Curt and Kathy welcomed me into Heidi’s life and into theirs as well,” John says. The feeling is mutual. “We admire John immensely and dearly love him as our ‘son-in-law,’” says Kathy.

“We are so blessed that he accepts us as family, too.”

“It would’ve been very easy for them to turn their backs in their pain,” says Heidi. “I am so lucky to have such supportive people and an open-minded husband.”

The Rebirth

Shortly after Heidi and John got married, they started looking into adoption. Naturally, they shared their aspiration with family members—Heidi and John’s quest caught the ear of Melissa Lessard, a police officer who is married to Heidi’s step-brother Larry. Already a mother herself, Melissa says she couldn’t help but wish for the same for Heidi and John. But what Melissa did next went beyond wishing—she started her own quest. She began researching surrogacy and gestational carriers [where a woman carries another couple’s biological child]. She printed everything she could find on the subjects and then sat down with her husband. “When I told Larry what I was thinking of doing, he was all for it,” says Melissa.

On a dreary winter afternoon, Larry and Melissa surprised Heidi and John with a rare visit from the Twin Cities. But that was nothing compared to the shock they were about to get. “We learned that they had come to offer to carry a child for us [as a gestational carrier]!,” Heidi exclaims.

Heidi and John talked, researched, prayed and searched their hearts before coming to their answer: “It was just too incredible to refuse,” Heidi says. “What an enormous gift.” The fact that Heidi never would have met Melissa had she not forgiven her father [with Bill’s help], is not lost on her. “Who would’ve ever thought,” she wonders.

Heidi and John named their first baby boy Evan. He’s now 7-years-old. “Raising him has been the greatest joy of our lives,” says Heidi. Melissa says the experience has created an unbreakable bond between their families. “I feel truly blessed and honored that she allowed me to be Evan’s gestational carrier,” says Melissa. “It takes a lot of trust to allow someone else to carry your child for nine months.”

As the years passed, Heidi realized she wanted another child. She and John just didn’t know how to go about it. She says her step-brother and sister-in-law again offered to carry a child. “But the truth was, that Evan’s infancy had been very difficult for me physically,” Heidi says. “Carrying around a 20-pound-plus baby took its toll on me, and by the time Evan was 2-and-a-half-years-old, I had had 4 surgeries, with fairly long recoveries during which I could not lift or carry him.”

So the couple returned to its original plan – adoption. Heidi and John chose to adopt internationally, from

Ukraine. “Their adoption system works a little differently than most,” she says, adding, “supposedly you are given a little input into the child you are matched with.” But that process doesn’t normally begin until after potential parents arrive in the country. The process was challenging: multiple plane rides, broken promises, several train trips, long stays in rented apartments and no guarantees. In a small orphanage, they would meet a dark haired boy with brown eyes that could melt your heart. His name was Jonah and he was their son. Just when they were ready to return home, government official explained Jonah wouldn’t be able to make this trip due to passport issues. Heidi and John would return to the U.S. without Jonah. Making matters worse was that Heidi would have to make the final trip back to Ukraine by herself because John had exhausted his vacation time from work. “I would take custody of a child who did not speak any English in a country where I did not speak the language and was most often without a translator,” Heidi recalls. But a familiar friend stepped up to help—Heidi’s first husband’s mother, Kathy. In the end, the two women brought home Jonah, who just turned eight.

The Realization

John says he can’t think of a better mother. “She is not only the coordinator of the Funk Household, but really spends much of her time caring for them,” he says. “Since she has physical limitations that remove her from play and physical participation with the boys, Heidi takes care of their emotional and behavioral development. She always puts family first.”

So, how is it that this woman, who seemingly lost it all in one tragic event, has managed to create a joyfilled and joy-full life? She would tell you—perhaps surprisingly—that she chose it. And she thinks Bill would approve.

“Bill was very optimistic, upbeat and easygoing,” she explains. “He was a person who enjoyed life. He chose to be happy. And after he was gone, I thought, I can do that. I can just choose to be happy. It’s not always easy; I have days where I’m very frustrated by my limitations and pain. I just don’t want to waste the emotional energy thinking about that. I want to be happy.” cocktail

[5:30 p.m.] dinner [6:30 p.m.] dance [8:00 p.m.] ticket [$30]