Setting boundaries

Finally, all of you, be like-minded, be sympathetic, love one another, be compassionate and humble. —1 Peter 3:8

While boundaries aim to protect, they must be based on love. The key principles must come from the double-love command to love God and one another, and be rooted in a commitment to pursue the best for those we love, with nothing but the purest motives in our hearts (1 Peter 3:8). As you work out boundaries with those you care for and your family, keep these principles in mind: Give autonomy. God gave Adam and Eve the freedom of choice—and the responsibility of facing the consequences. You may need to assess whether your loved ones have reached or are reaching the end of their capacity to make healthy decisions for themselves. If they are still mentally alert, you need to respect their right to make these decisions—and accept

that they will have to bear the responsibility for these choices. But if these decisions affect other people’s lives, then you need to negotiate with them. Negotiate. Setting boundaries doesn’t mean drawing up strict rules and insisting that others heed them. Boundaries need to be discussed and negotiated in a loving manner and with pure motives. This way, all parties are more likely to adhere to them voluntarily. Try to get all the facts where possible (for instance, a brother may find difficulty chipping in for Mum’s hospital bills because he is also caring for his fatherin-law) and explore all options. Try to understand and respect others’ interests, concerns, and limitations. Remind them that your relationship with them is

as important as your role as a caregiver.

Respect. Negotiate with a heart of respect, love, compassion, and humility. Seek harmony, but remember that respect doesn’t mean giving in just to make peace. Respect is a commitment to others’ best interests. It means searching for common ground, and identifying places where you can give others freedom. Listen. Listen not just to what is spoken, but also to what is left unspoken. As others express their fears and concerns, try to rephrase or restate their feelings. This shows that you are really acknowledging their concerns. Show empathy, not just sympathy, and avoid being judgmental. Seek first to under stand, then to be understood, and check your own motives as you listen. Are you mentally preparing an answer or rebuttal? Are you really listening, or just giving the illusion of doing so?

Establish expectations and consequences. We may want to protect loved ones from the consequences of their wrongful actions. But God’s Word makes it clear that sin produces consequences. All family members should be responsible for adhering to the same core values and practices, and prepared to bear the consequences if they don’t.

Dear Father, teach me to listen selflessly and negotiate wisely as I seek to lay down boundaries with my family members. May I remember that these boundaries are to build up and protect those I love, not shelter them from the consequences of their actions. Help me see boundaries as an impetus to change and growth.