Tarot Card Readings to Predict your Final Exam Success

by Wade Radmore

With exams fast-approaching, we all want a foolproof way to determine if we’ll succeed or fail! Well, I’m no fortuneteller, but I do have a few tarot cards that might help!

Pick whichever card speaks most to you. On it, you’ll find a description of what the card represents and what it might mean for your future exam success! Pick your card, learn your fate!

Batshit

This card represents insanity, blood-sucking, and gaining echolocation to make up for your sudden onset of blindness. To succeed on your final exams, you will have to find a street dealer that is willing to sell Clozapine, Risperidone, or methamphetamines to rather ease the schizophrenic hallucinations or make them really, really cool. Since McGill has a staunch anti-oppression policy, avoid feeding on fellow classmates or administration on campus grounds. Instead, dig through the garbage bins of the frequenters of McGill’s menstrual drives to guarantee an influx of blood to keep up the energy to study. To fight off the blindness, learning braille will be a necessity. Luckily for you, the Office for Students with Disabilities has rebranded to Student Accessibility and Achievement, so instead of blindness being a disability, it is actually your greatest achievement. Make sure to use that echolocation to be a giant dick making loud clicking noises during the exam when you’re trying to find your water bottle on your desk!

Apeshit

This card represents primal instinct, aggression, and an inescapable urge to climb the Empire State Building with an attractive woman you’ve kidnapped. To succeed on your final exams, you will need to avoid the temptation to crush your chair under your massive weight, bang your hands on your chest when your neighbour looks at you funny for the onset growth of body hair, and passing self-defeating notes to your invigilator via sign language “Gorilla fail exam. Gorilla, no good.” Avoiding so many things may lead to anger building up, but you must keep it inside. Gorilla may be strong, but gorilla mind must be the strongest to pass calculus. Now, it must be reminded that the apeshit card tends to be associated with King Kong-level bullshittery, so remember that consent is important and that you need to walk away if she says no. Maybe you like every banana, but not everyone does.

Dogshit

This card represents poor quality, barking at children, and eating your own feces before embracing the ones you love. To succeed on your final exams, you will need to accept that you’re just not a good enough boy/girl/dog person to succeed. Okay, that’s not entirely true! When you bark at children, you will gain a boost in cognitive abilities and a taste for fear! Luckily for you, exams are full of fear! However, if you bark at children too much, you may gain the pitbull perk, which gives you the strength to viciously maul anything under 3 feet tall. Don’t get too excited now, for with great power comes great urges to eat your own dumps. Now, toilet humour is low-brow, but a dog’s gotta dog! When it comes down to it, what separates a dogshit winner from a dogshit loser will be whichever one got that dog in ‘em.

Horseshit

This card represents nonsense, freedom, and millions of people fantasizing about you having a big horn on your forehead. To succeed in your final exams, embrace the nonsense. But be careful, for too much nonsense may be detrimental to your success. Here’s the kind of nonsense you should avoid: Don’t feed a baby a lightbulb unless they are strawberry-flavoured (babies eat that horseshit for breakfast). Don’t stop to help old Quebecois women who will cuss you out when you show off your lack of French skills. And don’t befriend any talking opossums! Over the Hedge was a work of fiction. Now, I know what you’re thinking about the last part, “Maybe a big horn wouldn’t be too bad; I can use it to fend off lions or really tall people that are angry at me.” Now while that sounds nice, you must realize that if anyone ever does get that horn on your head, it’ll be you needing to protect it from big game African poachers and trophy hunters, as well as your average unicorn-loving incel. Still, if you drew this card, that likely already describes you.

10 Date Night Ideas that will make Any Mc-

Gillian want to Burnside on your Leacock

by Carla Jocelyn & Wade Radmore

Are your balls full/ovaries running out of eggs? Just kidding! Nobody reading this paper has ovaries!

Anyway, perhaps you’re looking to expand your roster and show everyone how a certified pimp really runs things (and we ain’t talking about sex trafficking, believe it or not!).

Or maybe you’re just ready to find your one true love… Boo, grow up! Well buddy, it sounds like you need a date and not of the fruity Middle Eastern variety!

Luckily for you, The Plumber’s Faucet has teamed up with our friends at Love Island Canada to bring you a list of surefire ways to make your date regret not saving their cherry for for you to pop. That’s right, here are ten (10) date ideas made to impress any McGill student with standards so low that they said yes to an evening with you! I don’t say that to be mean, but all readers of the Faucet are rather romantically challenged or sexually attracted to ducks, but I won’t tell you which one you are!

Without further adieu, here is the list as provided by the Love Island team:

1. Treading through a dark lagoon. Don’t worry, the pH level of a typical lagoon is too high to cause damage to human skin. Just don’t, you know, drink the water or anything. That won’t be good. You can certainly shit in it, though. No rules against that.

2. Have a three-hour phone call with your honey while they’re at work. It needs to be completely out-of-nowhere and include many objectifying comments about the hotness of their mother coupled alongside horrible news about a death in their family. Everyone loves hearing about how their family is doing, especially if it is their hot dead mom!

3. Each of you invites a TA for a double date. Those poor guys really don’t get out much, and when they do, they remember that they are living in poverty. Haha. Anyway, if all goes well, this date can almost definitely lead to a foursome. It’ll be the first time you’re glad that your TA gave you a D!

4. Candlelit dinner in HELL. We talking Satan’s nightclub, bitch, not France. I know they can be easily confused with each other, but you can tell the difference through the sounds of eternal suffering in one and only eternal damnation in the other.

5. A stroll through a dog park. Don’t bring any of your dogs, though. Canines kill the mood. They also kill small rodents, so bring some of those to spite the other dogs at the park. Your pet mouse Mickey won’t know what hit him (probably an unleashed pitbull)!

6. Cycling through the valleys of the Swiss Alps. I hear the air is really fresh up there. Clear out your lungs from the rotting asbestos that seeped into them during your time here at McGill. The plane ticket isn’t too expensive either, as it only costs as much as two breakfast sandwiches from Redpath cafe!

7. Why don’t you crawl into a cave or something, you loser. Don’t even bring a date, you don’t deserve one. No one likes you. The bats in the cave might like you, but they’re blind, so it doesn’t count, Dumbass. If anyone does like you, though, it would be a goddamn miracle. You’re spending your time reading the Faucet? Like Bro, hit the gym.

8. Teach each other how to Dougie. There’s still time. What is time, really? Maybe this is all a dream. Wake up. WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP. Then teach me how to dougie, teach me, teach me how to dougie.

9. Live, love, laugh. Now, living might be difficult given how most of these jokes make me want to off myself. Loving is much worse considering you’re asking our single asses for advice. And laughing may occur, but it would be more consistent if you just read the Daily and told yourself “this is what journalism should look like.” That’s funny as hell.

10. Sign yourselves up for a silly little time at your local town hall assembly. This week’s meeting will centre around politics, law, social problems, and that tiny old man that keeps leaving polaroids of his dog’s uncircumcised peepee in everyone’s mailboxes. I think that sounds pretty romantic, don’t you? Plus, the old man says the polaroids are meant to be invitations, so do with that information what you see fit.

That concludes our list of fun and sweet date ideas to get those birds out there chirping. Now, the folk here at the Faucet really do care about your loving needs. So, if you try any of these out, make sure to hit our line. We’ve got a hoard of cracked-out virgins waiting patiently by the phone ready to tend to your every thought and desire. They’ve also gotcher nose, so come get it.