Please Help Me

by Johann Pacheco-Veissiere

Dear Plumber’s Faucet,

I write to you as your team is, as far as I can tell, the foremost paranormal investigators that I have found at our dearest university. I require your expertise as I am befuddled at the continuing survival of my roommate REDACTED, who despite the laws of god, logic, and science, not only survives but thrives (attaining a 3.97 GPA).

Let me recount my observations of their lifestyle, and hopefully, you can help me determine what type of creature REDACTED is, as certainly, it is not human; we have now been roommates for four semesters.

REDACTED studies computer science, has pale near translucent skin, and bloodshot brown eyes concealed by spectacles that are nigh-opaque with some sebaceous substance. I have only observed them to ever wear the same outfit: consisting of a black hoodie, jeans, and runners, although in the winter, he switches his worn-down runners for mysterious boots with no apparent branding.

My suspicion began upon one week of living together after we met on a Facebook page. REDACTED seemingly never eats; his section of the fridge only contains a single soy sauce packet (which is there to this day), I am quite sure he’s never touched our pots and pans, and I have yet to see him wash any dishes. REDACTED seemed quite introverted, so I didn’t push conversation upon him; I expected that with time, we’d form a bond and chat. In actuality, the longest conversation we’ve had was our first, where we split up our rooms, bills, and chores.

I then noticed how he scarcely leaves his room, not even for class. I catch brief glimpses of REDACTED as they scurry to the lavatory with their gaze on the ground, but soon I noticed they seem not to shower. In our long months together, I’ve yet to see them shave, shower, bathe, or anything.

The puzzling aspect is that their hair never seems to grow, their beard in a constant state of needing to be shaved yet not long enough to be called anything but stubble, their skin always in a slightly greasy but not quite disgusting state, my worry increased with each notice.

At every house party I hosted, he politely refused to come out and socialize. He also has never hosted a guest or left saying he’d go to an event/party.

I began to be ever more confused and worried, assuming perhaps that they were depressed or somehow neurodivergent, so naturally, I began to listen and watch REDACTED through the keyhole of their room.

I couldn’t see much; the curtains were constantly drawn, the only light being that of their massive computer monitor and a slight rainbow tinge from their loud keyboard. They also seem never to drink water, always drinking from mysterious cans, which I determined to be zero-calorie monster energies.

I discovered the nature of their only source of sustenance as I logically had to open and rummage through their garbage bag (only taken out once every two months). The bag contained nothing but monster energy drinks and multiple massive bottles of moisturizer. The moisturizer puzzled me, as their skin is nothing

if not in dire need of treatment, another mystery…

As for the neurodivergence/depression theory, through the keyhole, I could just make out his face as he stared at his monitor for most hours of the day. He laughs and smiles constantly and sometimes chats with mysterious individuals with bizarre names such as “Pringles” and “Furboxxy.” REDACTED chats as anyone would with the figures on the screen but always does some other activity on the monitor (seemingly incapable of only chatting), although REDACTED’s vocabulary seems to contain bizarre words that I’d love to know if your team recognizes as cryptid-speech: “sussy”, “blackpilled”, and “hornyposting” (something to do with horns??, many words derived from horns, perhaps he communicates with other cryptids). I can provide more examples if your team chooses to contact me; I’ve collected 79 particular words that do not appear in the dictionary of any language. This led me to conclude that REDACTED can act and converse in a normal fashion and doesn’t seem to be depressed.

As for him never leaving for class, it seems they choose to watch lecture recordings exclusively, and the few times I’ve seen REDACTED leave our apartment was for finals or during the late hours of the night (returning with more energy drinks and once a month another 5L bottle of lotion).

I decided to break into his lair in one of these rare outings; I skipped one of my finals as it would be the only time I could be sure REDACTED wouldn’t be in there. The stench was palpable, a musty combination of body odour and other bizarre smells I had never experienced. The floor was covered in socks hardened by some mysterious substance. They crunched like a bag of chips when I touched them (I’ve collected a sample I could send your team for analysis), and the desk was covered in energy drinks.

Through sheer luck, REDACTED had left his computer on; I used that to check his Minerva. My shock was immeasurable to see his grades were impeccable. How could they? Not once have I seen him attend office hours or go to the library to study. I assume it must be some fashion of witchcraft. Furthermore, he has bizarre comic books opened on his browser in a language I assumed to be Japanese. In these comics, there were vile depictions that I dare not utter, but they comprised eldritch horrors of tentacles and grotesque women with bizarre bodily proportions who did not appear to be very content.

I had to leave as I heard the door open. I left through REDACTED’s window.

I have told no one of my observations, and my friends and partner are completely unaware of the nature of REDACTED. I ask your team to please aid me in determining what arcane creature they are and whether I or society at large could be in any danger.

Thank you dearly,