Exxon Mobile Purchases Mining Rights to First Floor Wong Bathrooms after Clogged Toilet Remains Unfixed for Decades

By Alex Rosen & Wade Radmore

Crude oil (or Petroleum) is created through the degradation of organic materials through heat and pressure, which often occurs underneath the Earth. McGill chemical engineering students recently discovered the occurrence of this phenomenon within the first-floor Wong bathrooms at McGill University.

“I thought that smell was familiar,” said Shianne Wu, who discovered the oil source. She further explained the reasoning behind her discovery that “only chemical engineering students could smell the difference between actual shit and useful shit.” Wu was awarded a finder’s fee of 3 meals from RVC for discovering the oil source. This is equivalent to a thousand dollars and is larger than most McGill entrance scholarships. Congratulations Shianne!

Exxon Mobile says they plan to begin refining the crude oil immediately. Faucet interviews with the representative of this mining project indicate that Exxon is investigating the possibility of using university bathrooms as future mining projects. “Human remains have never been considered for refinement into crude oil due to the long process. However, the pressure placed on students must rapidly accelerate the process.”

Exxon executives openly talked about the strangeness of this situation: “We’re so used to signing deals to put millions of underpaid migrant workers at work in our facilities that it is such a surreal pleasure to know that most of our workers will be unpaid migrant engineering students serving our noble cause. Hopefully, we can convince McGill to bring back their old-fashioned food-poisoned samosas to increase the amount of excrement that shall be extracted from these beautiful shitters in the Wong factory.”

A Wong building faculty member gave their thoughts on the situation, “I was quite pleased when I heard the news. The week prior, we had an archeologist review our lavatory situation, as they had theorized that such an enormous amount of dung could only be possible from a Brachiosaurus. Before the archeologist, we, of course, had the hazmats swing by. Still, they said the level of radiation was just under the levels of significant and irreparable nerve damage, so we passed the test with just an “Exercise Extreme Caution” warning.”

We did some research as to why it took ten years before anything was done to these unmanned toilets and found shocking results. As it turns out, the last three plumbers sent to investigate the disturbances on the first floor had mysteriously disappeared.

Now, I don’t know how many of our readers have watched the classic film for children of all ages titled Monster House, but this could be a Monster Toilet situation. While I recognize if the toilet was monstrous as the house was, it would do a better job at swallowing all of the shit stuffed into it, but given how little research has been done, the toilet may be considered a form of hibernation where the human fecal matter is stored as a treat for a rainy day. Three humans would be quite nutritious, especially for a toilet that boasts a fairly low caloric deficit.

With that being said, the Faucet has no more updates on the situation or the status of those three brave missing plumbers. We wish Exxon the best in its practice of just and humane treatment of oil workers. Dig us up that black gold, soldiers!