Issue 1 by Recovery Wire

Recovery Wire Magazine Issue 1, November/December 2012 Editor in Chief Dee Christensen dee@recoverywiremagazine.com Contributing Edior: John D. Whelan Contributing Writers Aakilah Ade R.N. aakilah@recoverywiremagazine.com Kimberly Covey kim@recoverywiremagazine.com Dr. Vera Tarman M.D. drt@recoverywiremagazine.com Russell Powell russell@recoverywiremagazine.com

LETTER FROM THE EDITOR Is addiction a curse or a gift? Is it something to be endured or simply one of several character traits? Our editor shares her view.

TOP 10 BEST SELF HELP BOOKS Our picks for the most beneficial, practical and reader-friendly self-help books, sure to maximize your journey through recovery.

LSD USED FOR TREATING ALCOHOLISM The controversial look at past and present methods the scientific/medical community has used to treat alcoholism.

SHORT STORY SUBMISSION: “UP” Dr.Vera Tarman uncovers the secrets, myths and risks of food addiction. A look at what makes food addiction another drug addiction.

BILL W. MOVIE REVIEW Our resident critic provides some insight into the recovery related film du jour.

FINALLY SOBER, SUDDENLY FAT! Dr.Vera Tarman uncovers the secrets, myths and risks of food addiction. A look at what makes food addiction another drug addiction. THE MARIJUANA MAINTENANCE MISTAKE An indepth look at what makes pot a serious drug, and why our culture grants it a free pass where addictions are concerned.

ARTS AND CULTURE “Damned Sissy Stuff” An inspiring story of how the arts impacted one addicts life, and his promise to take you through some of Toronto’s upcoming arts events. HER ADDICTION IS NO EXCUSE FOR MY UNHAPPINESS From the perspective of the ones who love the addicts in their lives, a first hand lesson from a recovering codependent.

CROSSWORD PUZZLE “In Every Room” A 12-Step inspired crossword to test your recovery knowledge.

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Letter From the Editor W

hen one first discovers they have developed an addiction, the principal response is generally unfavorable. In our society “addiction” is a term used to describe someone who is incapable of not excessively partaking in something the rest of society is said to be able to regulate. “Addiction” is a comfortable label; it means to be “dependent” or “compulsive.” But for those of us who have one, we know that addiction is simply the resulting peak of a story which began long before its climax. Like many unique characteristics, addiction is one of those behaviours most evaluated and categorized by those who do not possess one. The focus is on the malady and not the synchronistic features which serve to make those susceptible to compulsive and habitual behaviour some of the most fascinating and valuable members of society. In order to attain the status of “an addict” one first must be capable of focusing their attention in one direction, unremitting, until they attain a type of perfection. One could argue, it is the need to repeat said-perfection that renders us addicted; a need that, once redirected, makes us some of the most capable, meticulous, and stead fast people on the planet. Whatever the task, we can do it.We can do it all.We can do it perfectly and left, to our own devices, we can direct you while we are doing it. To be a fly on the wall in a room full of recovering addicts is to hear the common themes that bind us: we all grew up feeling inadequate and unusual. We all developed a type of social impediment, be it excessive introversion or ex troversion. And for the most part we will focus our attention in recovery on how to let go of our painful past, and live fully and effectively in our present circumstances.This task is nothing to balk at, for the average addict simply showing up for life each day and blending in with the herd is an ordeal: an ordeal which requires effort and determination.

By the time we purchase our morning coffee most of us have already said mantras/prayers, read through daily reflection books, performed a meditation and listed off a catalog of items to be grateful for. Little do the rest of the sheep know the degree of effort we must take to appear as composed as the next follower. But after nearly thirty years among fellow addicts, I am left pondering a possibility. What if “the void” we are convinced our unrelenting addiction is attempting to fill is one of self-actualization and not a deficit as we have grown to believe? What if the void is not emptiness but a desire for a kind of evolution not intended for just anybody? What if we were meant for greatness, and this fact is what led us to feel like outsiders? What if our abilities: passion, determination, relentlessness, focus, sensitivity, resourcefulness and charm were all characteristics granted to an elite number of pilgrims meant to achieve a unique status? What if addiction is the resulting detour of an environment that did not aid in our growth, but instead hindered it? Like a wild pasture of yielding flora covered by sidewalk: the buds will seek out holes in the disparaging concrete veil, and find a way to bloom, but what beauty would have ensued had the digression not occurred? Our greatest asset is our link to one another, and here in these pages you will find those who speak your language. Regardless of where you are along the journey of recovery: be it the place where you ponder how you will live “without”, or the place where the desire has been lifted but not yet replaced with something better, or the wonderful place where we begin to realize that our hunger is a gift, and feeding it properly is what propels us toward a life that only those in recovery can understand.

Dee Christensen Editor in Chief Recovery Wire Magazine

Top Best

Self-Help Books

The longer you are in recovery, the more familiar you will become with the following ten books. These books were not selected by a group of academics. These books were not evaluated for any official procedural or technical merit.These books were selected by “old-timers” as being some of the most frequently referenced texts outside of approved literature.These are the books floating around the rooms, improving the lives of the people who have what you want.

CODEPENDENT NO MORE by Melody Beattie

Ever wonder, despite your recovery, why you still struggle with your relationships? Perhaps you struggle to keep relationships, or keep long-term employment, keep your nose out of conflict? Maybe you find yourself unhappy more than you wish you were, and you explain your unhappiness with a rehersed rationale. What if there was a way to attain freedom, despite whatever insanity might surround you. Curious? This easy-to-read volume comes equip with checklist’s and writing assignments. Although most of the text is written for friends and family of alcoholic’s, Beattie does ask the reader to relate the details their own circumstances, and focus on the symptoms. Melody Beattie shows us how to find serenity despite our environment. Regardless of what ails you, this book will demystify the struggles that ensue whenever we connect with others.

ALL I REALLY NEED TO KNOW I LEARNED IN KINDERGARTEN by Robert Fulgum

This inspiring little read brings us back to the fundamentals of our humanness. Fulghum reminds us of the most important aspects of how to live happily by reminding us of the simple guidelines we followed as children. This is a handbook worth tucking into your sachel when you cannot come up with a gratitude list. This tender and insightful little handbook is sure to distract the committee in your head long enough to recover your day. And how does he do it? By reminding us of some important childhood rules that most certainly still apply: “Share everything.” “Play fair.” “Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you.” Nuff said.

CONVERSATIONS WITH GOD by Neale Donald Walsch

Do not let the name fool you, this is not a religious text. This insightful little book is a great read for anyone who struggles with the spiritual side of things. Alone one night, Walsch began to speak to God (as he understands God) and published what he claims was a two-way conversation.The significance of the book lay in the messages, regardless of the vehicle used to get here. Using simple conversation, Walsch asks God the questions which mystify most of us, and the answer may surprise you. A gentle and non-invasive foundation for a spiritual belief, this book was a delightful read. Some of the concepts are lost in slightly pious implications, but the underlying message prevails. Regardless of ones atheism, agnosticism or otherwise, this text is a valuable way to see the world as a bit more luminous. Take what you like, and leave the rest behind for the cleaners.

MIND OVER MOOD

by Christine A. Padesky M.D. and Dennis Greenberger

This book earned its ranks in the top ten due to its relatability. Greenberger and Padesky show us how to alter our thinking, and thus our moods, using relevent scenarios. If you have ever felt like your uncontrolable moods are getting in the way of experiencing serenity, this is a great text for you. Although a long book to work through, this is a great addition to anyones recovery library. “Mind Over Mood” certainly calls for action. This could act as a deeper version of a step four, and working through it with a professional or a sponsor is a must. The written components might be an emotional challenge, but they will also shed light on the ways one governs their own emotional state: think, think, think indeed! 6

DON’T SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF by Richard Carlson, PhD

For anyone who finds themselves reciting the Serenity Prayer to keep perspective throughout the day, this little pocket guide would be a real asset. Carlson creates a brilliant little handbook that is sure to help anyone shrink things down to their right size. Broken down into bite-sized lessons, this book is a great text to have around if you tend find yourself feeling chaotic or overwhelmed throughout your day. This little book is a great reminder to ask yourelf “How important is it?”

FEEL THE FEAR DO IT ANYWAY by Susan Jeffers, PhD

THE ROAD LESS TRAVELED by M. Scott Peck, M.D.

This classic was first published in 1978, and still holds its own among present-day books like it. If your serenity does not extend to your relationships, and you struggle to distinguish between “love” and “dependency”, this book is worth adding to your collection. Peck teaches his readers the importance of discipline and explores the key principles in ones psychological growth. “Human beings are poor examiners, subject to superstition, bias, prejudice, and a PROFOUND tendency to see what they want to see rather than what is really there.” ( M. Scott Peck, The Road Less Traveled.) This little gem made Peck a household name, and we can certainly see why. Both poignant and perceptive, this book is a dose of reality hidden in a gripping piece of literature.

FEELING GOOD

by David D. Burns, M.D.

If you find yourself at a recovery stand-still, (generally the first one hits us somewhere around year two) this is a great book to push yourself to the next level. Jeffers avoids psychological lingo, and instead combines lessons and her own personal experience with overcoming and understanding fear. This is a challenging read, not because it is complicated. The challenge behinf this book is that it dispels the myths behind the fears that hold us back from becoming our best, and asks us to be courageous enough to push past them. If you are ready to reach the next summit, this book is an excellent way to start.

For the scads of us who struggle with depression in recovery, this book is an amazing and practicle guide to “Feeling Good”. Regardless of which side of the antidepressent dispute you find youself, READ THIS BOOK. Burns carves out a pathway to help eliminate anxiety, darkness, guilt and negativity. Using practical steps that are clinically proven to be a drug free remedy for depression, Burns highlights thinking patterns we did not realize existed. If you are struggling with the antidepressent debate, or you feel as though you are doing all the right things and the darkness keeps returning, an honest read of this book is sure to help. These insights could be the answers you are looking for.

THE POWER OF NOW by Eckhart Tolle

This book takes its readers on a journey of spiritual discovery. If you find yourself at a a spiritual stand-still and you struggle to keep your thoughts on the “present”, this might be the read for you. Although at times certain passages read a little like a fortune-cookie, on the whole the message is a good one. Eckhart Tolle tells us how to have a pain-free existence and live in a resilient state of “Being”. If you struggle to feel comfortable in your skin, and you find yourself convinced that the future yeilds more promise than the present, this book may provide needed clarity. A handy lesson for those with one foot in yesterday, and the other in tomorrow.

A GENTLE PATH THROUGH THE TWELVE STEPS by Patrick J. Carnes, PhD

his book is a great reference for first time sponsors or anyone in a small community who, from time to time, could use a fresh perspective. Perhaps you are in a fellowship that does not have a historic understanding of what it means to work the twelve steps? This book could be a great option for anyone in recovery who needs a practicle guide through the steps. Carnes includes little excersizes and inventories, and we think doing them with a sponsor could be a great way to deepen the connection. 8

LSD used for treating

Alcoholism? Trading one drug for another: could this be described as a medical-sponsored gateway for addicts? We explore a brief history of health funding research invested in alleviating the symptoms of one drug using another. Does the scientific community even understand addiction?

id you know that one time an acceptable treatment for Alcoholism was the use of Lysergic Acid Diethylamide, otherwise known as LSD? From the 1950’s right up until the 1970’s scientists performed trials whereby a subject suffering from the effects of habitual alcoholism would be given an increment of LSD. The theory of the time was that the LSD would work alongside a certain kind of serotonin receptor in the brain and make the cessation of alcohol less uncomfortable. Ryan Jaslow of CBS News published an article (“LSD should be considered for alcoholism treatment, study says”) in March of 2012 outlining a present-day study that argues LSD studies for alcoholism should continue. Quoting a neuroscientist at the Norwegian University of Science and Technology, Pal-Orjan Johansen, in saying he supports the continuation of the study. But the notion of using one drug to alleviate the affects of another is nothing new. Addicts have been attempting this method of detoxing for ages. Swapping alcohol for pot, swapping street drugs for prescription drugs. In the short term, this method may indeed show some benefits. Some studies did show a reduction in alcohol dependency in the months following treatment. However, long-term cessation has not been achieved, and this comes as no surprise to our readers. We suspect had the subjects been privy to the intention of repeating said LSD “dose” for longer term outcomes, the addicts in question would have undoubtedly learned to adjust to a longer period of perceived “abstinence” for the potential exposure to the new high. (The things we will endure, they cannot begin to understand)

It goes without saying, from this addicts perspective, the risks far outweigh the reward. This theory is lacking a huge consideration: ADDICTS ARE EASILY ADDICTED! The medical and scientific community is attempting to apply a type of logic based in biology, on a “disease” propelled by cerebral insanity. In fact, using a more recent example of this theory the results speak for themselves. According to the Rehab Referral Line in the United States, Methadone abuse has increased greatly over the last two decades. “There are several issues to consider, such as an increase in the frequency with which methadone is prescribed by doctors for (...) heroin withdrawal” (National Drug Intelligence Centre) We tip our hats to those concerned with the cessation of addiction; your hearts are in the right place. But the scientific/medical community is in dire need of a ground-level lesson in what it means to be an addict. We can turn anything into a vice, and alleviating physical dependency without the presence of a psychic change simply results in a tormented mind trapped in a less-dependent physical body. (An image that has relapse written all over it) In the big picture enduring the physical discomfort caused by our addiction is the least of our worries. The dynamics of real recovery are not related to the substance but the quality and efficiency of ones thinking/living. Perhaps those most concerned with researching methods of alleviating the addicts discomfort might first consider attending an Alanon meeting. It may, in the long term, serve to put health research funding to better use. 12

FINALLY SOBER, SUDDENLY FAT!

In the last six years of working at Renascent, I have seen over 1,000 new patients each year for substance abuse disorders. This has given me a large sampling from which to draw out some clinical patterns of behaviour from people who struggle with addiction and who are in the early stages of recovery. It has struck me from the outset that the phenomenon of addiction spans many substances: People who are addicted to alcohol frequently go on to develop an addiction to opiates. People who are addicted to cocaine come back to treatment for a new (or latent) addiction to alcohol. People who use marijuana to avoid opiate use end up as alcoholics. Over the years, I have seen some typical patterns. A person would come into treatment to be treated for their alcoholism. They eat voracious amounts of food, usually to their horror, frequently gaining as much as 20 â&#x20AC;&#x201C; 30 pounds in the three weeks of treatment. They find that they are eating candies incessantly, and cookies, muffins, bread, potatoes at each meal. Many would exclaim that they never ate that way before and find that they cannot stop even if they want to. After treatment, this pattern of over eating and binge eating continues. It is as if they can not stop. I know of one heroin addict who quit his drug, only to start eating two large tubs of ice cream each night, every night. He knew he was eating dangerously. He had high blood pressure, he was obese, he was depressed. He died 10 years later, not from a heroin overdose, but from diabetes and a heart attack.

Food addiction is another drug addiction

By Dr. Vera Tarman

There was also a smaller group who admitted that prior to their own drinking problem, they used to eat for comfort – bags of chips or cookies or jars of peanut butter each night. They stopped eating in this way when they picked up drinking. Once in treatment, they stopped drinking, and discovered that the same old pattern of eating reemerged.When told that they had to quit eating in this way, the typical response was that would be impossible. Most said that to not eat sugar was harder than to stop drinking. One recovered cocaine addict actually left the treatment, visibly upset. He felt that to stop eating his nightly regime of junk food might destabilize his recovery from cocaine addiction. I concluded that many people who were addicted to any of the drugs I have mentioned, quickly develop a new addiction to food. The foods they became addicted to are almost always the sugars and carbs which we provide in abundance at the centre – we call it the ‘cheap and cheerful’ foods. They are cheap, and they are mood altering: they provide a surplus of neurochemicals, namely dopamine, serotonin, and endorphins. And they are ‘drugs’; the refined hyper palatable foods that we serve (muffins, pastry, popcorn, juices, candy) are not natural foods. They are artificially constructed chemicals that the food industry has created so that we become addicted to eat more and more of them. The surplus of neurochemicals that result, create a heightened sense of well-being that is the same as a drug intoxication. Look on a SPECT scan, a specialized radiological study of part of the brain, and you could not tell the difference between a sugar high and a cocaine high.

Another pattern that I discovered were the people who had once suffered from anorexic disorders coming into treatment for cocaine or crack addiction. They often admitted that they used crack as a form of inhibiting appetite i.e. the ‘Jenny Crack’ diet.When they started to gain weight, most said that they would choose to return to their drug use rather than relapse fully back to anorexic behaviours (which was always operating just under the surface) or worse to them, adopted uncontrollable bulimic behaviour. It was obvious to me that they were struggling with the same disease of compulsion and obsession, with different manifestations. I maintain that the anorexic, while not eating, is experiencing a dopaminergic euphoria. She or he is experiencing an altered agitated ‘high’ as they obsess about food like any drug addict would over their drug of choice. We know that hunger creates dopamine – and the reward value of food heightens the hungrier a person becomes. This is the body’s attempt to entice the person to eat, to nourish itself. The anorexic does not eat food, but as he or she gets hungrier, she or he instead anticipates food – in the food preparation, in the food obsessions, in how she or he ‘plays’ (but does not eat) the food, – this is a dopamine high which builds and builds the hungrier the person gets. And, importantly, it stops the moment food enters the body. Anorexics resist food the same way as the drug addict resists withdrawal from their drug.

it is just as likely a possibility that it IS part of the addictive disorder itself. If the person is a food addict, rather than suffering from a true eating disorder, then the typical treatment used for eating disorders is not only not helpful (hence the high rate of recidivism and relapse in eating disorders), but actually dangerous. A modified food plan based on our Canadian food pyramid will actually undermine recovery from the addiction to the specific foods... and possibly their other drugs of choice. Since the phenomenon of addiction does not favour one drug over another ultimately, it really can undermine recovery from the addiction to other drugs latent in a person’s history. Food can be a drug, like any other, and can fuel the addictive cycle which impedes recovery and sobriety. If you are a recovered alcoholic and addict, and are still suffering from depression, anxiety, insomnia and cravings…. look to your diet. If you are not in recovery from a substance, and nevertheless are suffering from mood instability and are using food to self medicate your moods… look to your diet. The answer to sobriety and serenity is in what you eat and especially, what you don’t eat.

This understanding is important. While an eating disorder may be a dual diagnosis alongside an addiction for some,

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THE

MARIJUANA MAINTAINTENANCE

MISTAKE I

t has long been argued that marijuana is Mother Nature’s drug; her little gift if you will. We give pot to those suffering certain medical conditions, and we argue that it holds certain remedial benefits. It alleviates nausea and it has been shown to be an effective pain reliever. Is pot really that big of a deal? Anyone in a substance-based 12-step program has run across the term Marijuana Maintenance Program” once or twice, referring to those people who claim they have attained sobriety whilst easing the angst with a pot habit. In fact, cannabis products mark the largest illicit drug market in the world. A whole lot of people are passing the bong! How much does the average person really know about how pot works in the body? When a person smokes a joint, “THC” passes through the lungs and into the bloodstream, carrying the chemical to the brain and all major organs, producing a 1 – 4 hour “euphoric” effect. “THC” or “Tetrahydrocannabinol” is the psychoactive property of the cannabis plant. Perhaps nature intended the extract to be a security system against greedy herbivores, until a couple of opposable

thumbs found it, dried it, processed it and burned it that is. (A “natural” alternative indeed.) In 2009 the Royal Canadian Mounted Police performed a survey for the purposes of generating an annual report referred to as the “Drug Situation in Canada”. Through randomly dialed telephone calls across all 10 provinces they were able to provide an estimate of drug use among 26 million Canadians. The results were staggering. In 2008 alone the prevalence of pot use among Canadian youth (ages 15 – 24) was 4-times higher than that of adults. In Canada the average age a person begins using pot is 15.6 years old. Natures little gift has never been more sweeping and influential, but how impact iis it having? According to the National Institute on Drug Abuse , it was estimated that pot users have a “4.8fold increase in the risk of hear t attack in the first hour after smoking the drug”. This should be a daunting statistic to anyone with a 15 year-old kid.

...the average age a person begins using pot is 15.6 years old

In a study performed by the California Society of Addiction Medicine , more than 3,800 hear t patients were sur veyed and compared to those who did not smoke pot, those who did had a â&#x20AC;&#x153;2.5 fold greater likelihood of hear t attack, and those who smoked (pot) more than one time per week had a 4.2 fold increased risk.â&#x20AC;? (California Society of Addiction Medicine , 2011) Aside from the risk of heart attack, and all the other medical risks attached to prolonged pot use (like reproductive challenges, increased risk of acute and chronic bronchitis, immune system abnormalities, Cannabis Arteritis, fungal and bacterial infections and sever al forms of cancer), will pot really impact a persons life that adversely? A lot of things are hazardous to our health, and some of them produce much broader health implications than marijuana

pression and schizophrenia, why does pot smoking still seem to get a free pass in our society? Is it because we compare it to other vices with more serious implications? Is it because its effects are slow and subtle? Is it because one cannot techically overdose from it? One theory is that pot is taken less seriously because of the high. We focus our judgment on other substance addictions more exclusively because media has made crime synonymous with certain chemical dependency. The alcoholic wife beater, the violent crack head: the worst implication for pot dependency is relaxation and laziness. Through the years, film and media have acted as an impressive public relations advocate for pot usage.When we think of someone smoking a joint we think of them giggling, we think of them listening to folk music, we imagine them eating cheesies with smarties on top and reciting dumb existential notions while basking in room-stone.

Some people theorize that pot is not even addictive; we have all heard that argument. But according to Cambridge professor of pharmacology Leslie L. Iverson, in his book entitled The Science of Marijuana, between 10% and 30% of regular pot users will indeed develop a dependency. And what qualifies a substance as being addictive anyway? Is it the bodies demand for it? It would seem rational to qualify dependency by the severity of withdrawal symptoms alleviated from continuous use. Some of the reported symptoms of withdrawal from pot include: loss of appetite, insomnia, head ache, anxiety, depression, stomach pain, physical tension, strange dreams, mood swings, decreased sex drive, shaking, dizziness. Combining these facts with the gamut of research linking pot and serious mental health risks, like; anxiety, de-

30 31

We do not picture loneliness and depression. We do not think about the cognitive implications on budding brains. We do not think about the scads of people using pot to propel eating disorders, or alleviate social anxiety by rendering them content with total isolation. We do not acknowledge the vast numbers of people who truly believe their abilities (artistic or otherwise) are directly linked to the smoking of a dried herb, and might never discover what they had the potential to become otherwise. Our greatest gift is the freedom of a conscious brain, and we have bought into the propaganda of pot smoking as an innocent veil. But anything that impedes the minds ability recall, deliberate and decipher is not a guiltless pleasure. In fact, at one time we referred to that kind of obstruction as a frontal lobotomy.

ARTS & CULTURE

“damned sissy stuff!” By Russell Powell russell@recoverywirema g azine .com

y first refuge from the grindings of the world and my life was the printed word.Those words found in books, Reader’s Digest magazine and plays offered me an escape to worlds beyond my childhood.The Hardy Boys, Agatha Christie mysteries, Rudyard Kipling and William Shakespeare offered me rich language and escapism. Sadly every time we moved and we moved frequently, my books would end up on the curb. I would leave my friends behind, real and imagined. My next refuge was Live at the Met and American Playhouse on PBS. My mother and I would share the smaller television set as the boys were in the wreck room yelling at the hockey game. Despite often not understanding the words I would still be transfixed by the grandness of the sets, costumes, the power of the human voice. It was just a bonus that my father hated opera. “Damned sissy stuff!” My brothers had discovered dark, seemingly angry heavy metal music and my mother would wrap herself in the melancholy of country music. In our house music had the power to provoke and soothe. When we moved, the albums would be sold off or put to the curb. They were far too heavy to cart around. In the beginning my love of the arts was more about feeling superior to other people and goading my father. Truth be told in high school I worked very hard at being a ponce. And still do occasionally. Only in recovery did I begin to right-size my love of art and discover another purpose to it. It is often said that addiction is an illness of the mind, body and spirit and art can help heal the mind and spirit. Not unlike Alice through the Looking Glass I’ve learned that swallowing art can make me small or very, very tall.Very often good art does both. I live in a major metropolis where art can be found around every corner; the iffy paintings hung in my local coffee shop, the independent movie houses offering inexpensive films, pay what you can theatre matinees,

or big ticket musicals (preferable on someone else’s dime.) The list goes on and on.

...Art can make me small or very, very tall. When I stopped smoking and cut back on takeout food it became easier to afford my art habit. As a freelancer there are still times when even twenty dollars is beyond my means for that week, so I pick up a local paper and find the outdoor art expo, the free day at the local museum or a local garden. I have many friends who volunteer at theatre and film festivals and receive free tickets and nifty tee shirts. Early in recovery when I was emotionally constipated I would often sit alone in a movie theatre needing something to pry open the floodgate of tears. Cue the Disney soundtrack. Or anger or peevishness simmering just below the surface I craved mindless bloody action films. All though now I want bloodlust in movies to make me feel sickened, small and overwhelmed not empowered. I did not understand how easily my emotions could be strummed. And still don’t. I am going to task myself to find things coming up that promise to edify and amuse. I Know that so far I am excited to see the Frida Kahlo at the AGO, peer pressure gone mad in The Crucible at Soulpepper Theatre, The Queen West Art Crawl and maybe even some Burlesque at the Drake Hotel. I will be the older gent sitting near the back sipping a soda water with lime, unless of course they offer cucumber slices.

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By Aakilah Ade aakilah@recoverywiremagazine.com

HER ADDICTION IS NO EXCUSE FOR MY UNHAPPINESS!

remember a few years ago I attended an event at the home of my spouse’s aunt. It was a barbeque; it had been a long week of work and school for my spouse and an equally long week of work for me. My spouse’s usual pattern was to have a few drinks on a Friday as a reward for having survived another week. The few drinks always turned into many drinks, which lasted into the night. Most of my Fridays were spent anticipating the slurred speech, the smell of alcohol and the arguments that ensued between us.

We did not go out much because I was afraid of my spouse drinking and embarrassing me. I also did not want people to know that I put up with her drinking. I hated her when she drank, but could not find the courage to leave the relationship. On the day of the barbeque I warned my spouse that this was going to be the last time, if she drank this time I would never, ever go out in public with her again. Of course she agreed that she would not drink but if she did it would be a small glass of beer. We attended the barbeque and in no time my spouse had a drink in her hand. With liquor in her system she always became the life of the party. She was fun to the rest of the fam-

ily, and they made sure her glass remained full. By the time we left, I had to guide her into the car and once home help her into the house. By the time we got home we were no longer speaking, I was angry and hurt, I felt betrayed and disappointed. Once again we went out and I did not have a good time. I was full of resentment. In her book The Language of Letting Go Melanie Beattie states “Resentments do not punish the other person; they punish us. They become barriers to feeling good and enjoying life.” (1) I think back to the many times in my life that I did not have a good time “because of the addict”. In recovery I have since learned to be honest with myself and the truth is... that I didn’t have a good time because of me. I was trying to impose my standards and my will on the addict. This attempt to control another person’s behaviour was futile and created frustration that further fueled my resentments. It also set the other person up for failure. No one can (or should have to) live up to the ideals of somebody else. I had unrealistic expectations and the person who really suffered as a result of those expectations was me.

“An expectation is a premeditated resentment”(2). This quote from Courage to Change clearly identifies the cause of my unhappiness. Instead of blaming the addict I have to look at my unrealistic expectations. One of the adjustments I have had to make in my thinking is acceptance. I have prayed for acceptance and tolerance of others. In accepting people as they are I have stopped having expectations of them based on my values. I have the ability to make healthy choices, on where I wish to go, when and with whom. I look at my motives. Now I do things out of love, not because of how it makes me look or for the reward of being seen as a martyr. Life is simpler now. Although I’m far from perfect, I recognize that I am a work-in-progress. I have fewer resentments and more happiness. The more I stay open to applying the principles of recovery to my life, the better life gets. 1. Beattie, Melody,The Language of Letting Go, Hazelden Foundation, June 1990, p.20 2. Al-Anon Family Groups, Courage to Change, Al-Anon Family Groups, 1992, p.153

UP Short Story Submission By D. H. Grace

e picked me up during his corporate lunch-hour, a lawyer or something. I remember he smelled like cologne and fresh laundry and his car was pristine. The wafting scent of leather welcomed my shoulders to rest, but made me conscious of the sweat gathering under my knee pits. He took me to his apartment, which surprised me. Usually they want to do you in a car for fear you’ll leave a trace; but he didn’t care. I knew this was a normal routine for him; picking up a hooker for lunch then racing back to the office before his 1:30 arrived. He was charming, if not slightly patronizing, but harmlessly so. I tolerated it initially because I appreciated the sanitary hiatus.When we reached his apartment I barely recall how things started, but I do remember throwing him a bone and pretending I’d climaxed too. He smiled, the usual Cheshire grin of a straight guy convinced he’s extraordinary. As I dressed I remember his phone rang, and to my surprise he didn’t even ask me to be quiet, he simply picked up the receiver and began citing instructions to his listener. I sat still on the edge of his bed for a time while he rambled in the background; trying one handed to resurrect his socks without losing vocal rhythm. I studied the room; an upscale loft of some kind, open concept and moderately tidy.The place was lived-in though. An assortment of dirty articles strewn randomly over his B&B Italia and his knock off Corbusier lounger. The odd piece of paper haphazardly dropped on his Persian rug. I recall seeing a bookshelf and thinking it was one of the few pieces from his original IKEA collection he hadn’t yet gotten around to replacing; cheap black lacquered MDF lined with books and a few out-of-place picture frames obviously given as gifts. I don’t remember the faces in the frames, faces are something the Universe allows us to forget I suppose. I do recall the books though, mostly text books and the odd “How to” manual on money making and building the next empire. I slowly rose from my seat, silently asking permission. He glanced at me but didn’t seem to mind. I meandered toward the book shelf as if I were a lunch guest instead of a whore, began running my nimble fingers along arbitrary spines as if each sounded the keys of my favorite piano-piece. Eventually my fingers landed on the satiny gold edging of a leather bound text, I glanced back at him again, but he was too engrossed in dialogue to notice. I drew the book from the shelf delicately, introducing myself for fear I’d scare it otherwise. I softly opened the cover, glanced at the glossary and began searching for a particular page. Suddenly he said something to me, though I can’t remember what it was just then, mostly an announcement that we were alone again. He darted across the room and poked the cover closed, “Shakespeare” he proclaimed arrogantly, “He was a novelist in the late 1700’s’” he said, as if enlightening me somehow. I glanced up at him disapprovingly, to which he laughed.

“Haven’t you ever heard of Shakespeare?’”He scoffed. I closed the book and placed it back in line, repositioned my stockings calmly and turned away. As I sauntered toward the front door I muttered, “He was a poet and a playwright; and most of his work was done in the late 1500’s and early 17th century… actually.” I believe I even recited part of Hamlets suicide soliloquy before my hand reached the door knob. I don’t remember the words he spoke, but I do recall the sincere shock that he might be among a fellow scholar. Initially I believe he apologized, but I can only speculate; what I do remember was how easily I revived him. I remember how little of me it took to convince him I was credible, and I began counting the seconds it would take for him to pose the obvious question, “What’s a girl like you doing in a profession like this?” I don’t recall my answer, but I’m sure it was insightful without being vulnerable or weepy. I never liked a whiner, better one owns their station in the world, regardless of its stature, than justify it like a louse. We slowly made our way into the hallway, and just before he placed his key in the lock he swung the door open again. He darted back inside briefly and returned with the gold trimmed text, handing it to me like a prize for augmenting idiocy. I took it graciously, and still have it to this day. I take it out from time to time and remember that day, the day a John reaffirmed my capacity for more than giving blowjobs in an alleyway. Sometimes I long for those days, as strange as it may seem. Some of us roam through life never feeling akin to our position in the world, and at times I envy those who remain on the steps closer to ground zero. It was the only time when nothing but my mere existence was enough to impress onlookers. I feel no less like a piece of ass most days, whether it be for an employer who promotes my male colleagues first or a lover who plays without the intent to follow through. At least then I maintained some control, expected the disappointments and gained monetarily for them. Today, at times, I feel more agony than ever I did back then. I had survival skills then, I knew each day I was going into battle and armed myself accordingly. It’s far more difficult to maintain legitimacy and walk blindly into the world without knowing where the dangers are. And if I arm myself too much these days I’m a pessimist, and if I don’t I’m naïve. Nothing about this version of society makes sense to me, back then the world was simple, which is not to say it was easy but indeed seemingly less complicated. Work and eat, don’t work don’t eat, get high, work some more, conceal bruises as they appear, look both ways before crossing the street, remember to duck, work some more. I don’t recall sleeping more than an hour at a time, but I don’t recall ever being tired. I don’t recall eating anything one couldn’t purchase from a vending machine, but I don’t recall suffering from hunger pains

or low blood sugar. I don’t recall feeling sad or hurt; I don’t recall feeling lonely. I recall an impending yearning to reinstate myself as a being of purpose, which is something I’ve lost faith in even today. The easiest place to feel like a success is the very bottom of all things. One only has room for imagination, and the freedom of daydreaming with certainty that we would be everything we hoped, if only we weren’t stuck in a pit. And since there is no evidence to the contrary, we exist solely in a state of innate conviction. Once we make our way out of the pit, we’re suddenly level with the rest of the world and reality provides a rude awakening. We begin to realize that measuring up is not automatic, and success is not a gift bag handed out to the most deserving. When the people I’m closest to first discovered where I had come from, initially it earned me brownie points. But after a short time it’s nothing but a two dimensional historic tale of my evil twin. It’s impossible for the human brain to keep both the before and after shots in plain view, soon enough we all expect the skinny chick in the “after” photos to run a marathon just like all the other skinny chicks. One can only haggle for admiration for so long before the gig is up, and suddenly I’m plopped amidst strange faces in the land of the living with nothing but survival skills to my credit. At some point I decided if I was to live among you I’d have to look the part, fake it ‘til you make it I suppose. I learned to stop spitting on sidewalks, learned to dress appropriately so as not to draw the wrong kind of attention. I learned to blend in, and in doing so sometimes it seems I’ve disappeared. At times I’m far more broken hearted now, and devoid of outward evidence. At least back then the mere sight of me would convey desperation, but today I’d have to wave my arms or sound an alarm. And being labeled a “survivor” only makes my case less believable. Back then life was basic and primal.The faces I peered into were as lost as my own, and there was comfort in that kind of camaraderie. Today we barely look at one another, we hardly see the longing in each face we pass as we herd down city streets like cattle. As we race to our jobs and home again, counting the steps of our mindless routine like the mechanics of an assembly line. I dare say aloud that I fear if I faded into the background not many would notice. A chosen few would miss me certainly, but the rest would simply be devoid an extra android. I’m a list of charming character traits in dire need of a purpose, and it’s only natural I’d glance back now that looking forward this many years has led me to a stand-still. My heart is neither revived by love nor loss, but simply paces itself like a senseless contraption on autopilot. There’s a void inside me, and my IQ is too high to believe anything exterior will fill it, and my soul too lost to have faith in the sky. My conscience is too admirable for suicide and my body too functional to relinquish verve.

I’m caught between two realms, with a façade that now appears worthy, and the insides of a semi-reformed whore. If life were a bus ride I might’ve pulled the chord by now. As it stands I’m stuck, plastered to the window trying to catch a closer glimpse of heaven through my foggy reflection. I’ve read the manuals, and some have helped me sustain temporary relief, but inevitably I land back in a state of longing. I suppose it’s the human condition to agonize, I’m neither the first nor the last to endure. And where I’ve come from makes me no more deserving of pity than any other pilgrim. I imagine it might be even harder to find yourself off-course if you’ve never been lost, at least I have the benefit of knowing which way not to go. Although at times I miss the days when all the arrows pointed up.

he movie “Bill W” depicts both the life story of Bill Wilson and the early years of the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, which Bill co-founded with Dr Bob Smith in 1935. The beginning of the film paints a clear picture of Bill’s drinking career, starting with his first drink and his immediate love affair with it. Bill’s addiction to alcohol, well captured in reenactments, and his numerous failed attempts to stop drinking brought him to a deep state of despair and hopelessness. He finally experienced an episode of psychic change, which relieved him of his obsession to drink. This profound change occurred shortly after Ebby Thatcher, an old drinking buddy, showed up in Bill’s kitchen sober and happy. Ebby shared with Bill the story of his own desperate alcoholism and how, following some spiritual exercises, had helped to free him from the grips of his obsession. Bill, in his desperation, was quick to try what had worked for Ebby and, to his great relief and for the relief of millions to come, it worked. Bill’s moment of enlightenment is portrayed by his hospital room being filled with bright light narrated with Bill’s voice saying “I felt as though the great, clean wind of a mountain top blew through and through…” The simple scene left enough to the imagination to make it very powerful.

BILL W. THE REVIEW

By Kimberley R. Covey

Bill never had another drink up to death in 1971. He was inspired with the idea that “one drunk could help another in ways that no-one else could” and in that mindset he eventually carried this same message to Dr Bob Smith who recovered from his own drinking obsession after hearing what Bill had to say….AA was then born Since then millions of alcoholics have found relief in AA and hundreds of other fellowships have guided their members to recovery based on the 12 steps. The film does a good job in creating a grainy, grey atmosphere which seems to be in keeping with the dark murkiness of alcoholism. Narra-

tives from historians and from AA members whose faces are shadowed in the appropriate custom of ‘AA anonymity’ lend a sense of stark realism to this quasi secret society in our midst. There are fascinating footage clips showing the backs of member’s heads at early AA meetings and a continuous stream of audio voice narratives of Bill W himself. His earthy voice and his 1930’s way of speaking combined with his down-to-earth and of ten humorous view of his circumstances bring magic to this documentary. One of the film’s strongest points was that it shed light on the humanness of Bill. Although somewhat “pedestalized” and an icon in the 12 step communities, Bill was no saint. The film had no hesitation in addressing his Bill never had another drink up to death in 1971. He was inspired with the idea that “one drunk could help another in ways that no-one else could” and in that mindset he eventually carried this same message to Dr Bob Smith who recovered from his own drinking obsession after hearing what Bill had to say….AA was then born Since then millions of alcoholics have found relief in AA and hundreds of other fellowships have guided their members to recovery based on the 12 steps. The film does a good job in creating a grainy, grey atmosphere which seems to be in keeping with the dark murkiness of alcoholism. Narratives from historians and from AA members whose faces are shadowed in the appropriate custom of ‘AA anonymity’ lend a sense of stark realism to this quasi secret society in our midst. There are fascinating footage clips showing the backs of member’s heads at early AA meetings and a continuous stream of audio voice narratives of Bill W himself. His earthy voice and his 1930’s way of speaking combined with his down-to-earth and of ten humorous view of his circumstances bring magic to this documentary. One of the film’s strongest points was that it shed light on the humanness of Bill. Although somewhat “pedestalized” and an icon in the 12 step communities, Bill was no saint. The film had no hesitation in addressing his sometimes controversial flaws such as his affinity for a woman other than his wife, his struggle with depression, his experimental LSD treatment years and the fact that he asked for whiskey on his deathbed. This is not a flashy film at all. It is non-pretentious and fairly downplayed…very much like Bill himself and certainly how he would have preferred it. I found it to be a loving and honest portrait of a man who lived a life of sacrifice and service so that others could have hope even though he, himself, could not even be a regular member of the fellowship he was responsible for creating.

CLASSIFIEDS

In Every Room

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ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS EVENTS:

RENASCENT FOUNDATION EVENTS:

November 2 & 3 65th Annual Fall AA Conference 805 Brookdale Avenue Ramada Inn Conference Center Cornwall, Ontario Theme: Remembering When For more info: 613 938 1984 or 613 933 5047

November 3 Biology of Recovery and Spirituality Workshop Science meets Spirit in recovery with Dr. Vera Tarman. Dr. Tarman presents the biology of recovery and biology of spirituality, how to understand the connections and apply in our lives to enhance our recovery. Bring a friend and save $5 on your registration fee! Start: November 3, 2012 9:00 am End: November 3, 2012 4:00 pm Venue: Heliconian Hall Theatre Address: 35 Hazelton Avenue, Toronto, Canada Cost: $25.00

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Across 2. 7. 9. 10. 13. 14. 16. 18. 19. 20. 21. 23. 24. 26. 27. 29. 30. 31. 32.

Not promotion. Overeaters Anonymous founder. Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. Clean And Sober star, Michael. Cocaine Anonymous chip: hope, faith... OA's History: Beyond Our... Slogan when I'm rushing. Good orderly direction. Fear is the opposite. Japan's Prime Minister. Murray and Wilson. French loaf, similar to a pâté. Official language in Laos. They always answer their phone. The number one offender. The member counting the 7th. How many meetings in how many days? Step that means "I'm Sorry" Faith without works is what?

November 24 Central Toronto Round Up 519 Church Street, 9-5pm Theme: Having had a spiritual awakening Coffee and cookies. bring your own lunch (FREE All Day). For more information visit: http://district10toronto.org

NARCOTICS ANONYMOUS EVENTS:

November 4 28th Annual GTA Archives Breakfast Oasis Convention Centre $25 Start Time: 9:00 am

Down 1. 3. 4. 5.

Gratitude, in Latin. Canada's coolest artic city. SLAA self-defined behaviors. First elected Green Party MP to sit in the House of Commons. 6. If you don't want to fall off the edge, where do you stand? 8. He performed the very first step-twelve. 11. Salad with apples, celery, wallnuts and lettuce. 12. Narcotics Anonymous closing: show me how to... 13. Two and a Half Men star who could use a meeting. 14. Stick with them. 15. A.D. or Anno... 17. SLAA Members say it's a type of anorexia. 22. A word for fish eggs. 23. There's safety in numbers. One through... 25. Act. 28. Happy, joyous and...

November 9, 10 & 11 Canadian Assembly of Narcotics Anonymous Delta Meadowvale Hotel & Convention Centre Pre-Registration: $20, Registration: $30 6750 Mississauga Road Toronto, Ontario

OVEREATERS ANONYMOUS EVENTS: November 17 I.D.E.A. Day International Day Experiencing Abstinence Each year OA groups from around the world set aside this day to celebrate their abstinence. 1:30 to 2:30 pm The Commitment to Abstinence Group St. Timothy’s Anglican Church 40 Ridley Blvd. Toronto, ON

SEX & LOVE EVENTS:

ADDICTS

December 31 Alumni, Family & Friends New Year’s Eve Dance A Gala Evening to celebrate 2012 and safely bring in the new year for alumni, family and friends. Dinner, dancing, prizes and a new year’s toast to life in recovery. This dance will offer a formal sit down dinner, and provide an opportunity to get dressed up and celebrate without the temptations of substance. Bring a friend and save $10 on your registration fee! Start: December 31, 2012 7:30 pm End: January 1, 2013 1:00 am Venue: Hope United Church Address: 2550 Danforth Avenue, Toronto, Canada Cost: $50.00

OUTSIDE COURSES: November 23 & 24 Shambala Meditation Centre: The Art of Being Human: Shambhala Training, Level I Price: $175 Also January 18 & 19 This is an introductory meditation course. Register at: http://toronto.shambhala.org/ November 4 Sivananda Yoga Vedanta Centre Toronto: Creativity and Yoga $30 - Non-members / $24 - Members 3:00 - 6:00pm Register at: www.sivananda.org/toronto/yoga-workshops/

ANONYMOUS ANNOUNCEMENTS FROM THE FLOOR:

November 3 25th Anniversary SLAA Conference St. Andrew’s United Church 117 Bloor Street East Toronto, Ontario Registration without lunch: $25 Registration with lunch: $30 For more info: www.slaa-ontario.org

Jane B. celebrated two years of sobriety on September 18th, 2012!

Shambhala Meditation Centre of Toronto

Making Enlightened Society Possible Mindfulness meditation is the foundation of all that we do. This 2,500 year-old practice of self-discovery is rooted in the simple, but revolutionary premise that every human being has the ability to cultivate the mindâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s inherent stability, clarity, and strength in order to be more awake and compassionate in everyday life. http://toronto.shambhala.org