Issue 18

18

September October 2015

Dealing with a

PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE

PARTNER

They say yes, but their behavior says NO!

The Wrong Kind of LEGACY Is body image and dieting a legacy you’re passing on?

MOST ADDICTIVE

FOODS: SURPRISED? Which foods are the most addictive, and why?

TOP 10 MOST ADDICTIVE FOODS

AMY: THE DOCUMENTARY REVIEW

Image by Scott Goodwill .com

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LETTER FROM THE EDITOR After a death close to home, our Editor in Chief ponders the struggles of long-term recovery.

Why are we still at risk, even after all these years?

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TOP 10 MOST ADDICTIVE FOODS We crave them, we covet them, we certainly use them as a crutch, but where did they come from and why are we so hooked on them? This issue we’ll explore Dr. Tarmans Top Ten Most Addictive Foods.

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MOST ADDICTIVE FOODS Dr. Tarman gives us an indepth look at the connection between food and addiction. Is there merit to the idea that food can trigger us in the same way that alcohol, heroine and cocaine impacts us? Studies are showing this might be more than a harmless bad habit.

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DEALING WITH A PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PARTNER You might be experiencing abuse and not even know it. A passive-aggressive partner is secretive in their need to control, but there is a way to work through it, and Darlene Lancer shows us how

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THE WRONG KIND OF LEGACY As grown-ups our intention is to set our little ones up for success, but there is a legacy being passed on to our children, and you might not even realize it. Sherle Cruse highlights the warning signs of imparting the wrong legacy.

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AMY: THE REVIEW Our resident movie reviewer catches a glimpse inside the life of legendary singer Amy Winehouse in the gripping film about her life and struggles with drugs, alcohol and an eating disorder. This film comes with a warning label, it’s a tough couple of hours, but might be worth your time.

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TREATMENT CENTRE OR SPA? Does luxury equal success? Spa’s are the new trend in treatment facilities for addiction sufferers, but is this a distraction or a blessing?

STRENGTHENING YOUR RECOVERY WITH

We know that the hardest part of recovery begins right after your treatment ends.

That is why we have created a network of community-based supports and services, to help you build a recovery that is strong enough to last a lifetime. At Hope Place Centres, many of us have ‘been there’ and our own lived-experience makes us great when it comes to knowing what it takes to succeed in early recovery. It makes no difference whether your journey began in one of our treatment programs or someplace else; what really matters is the BIG difference that ‘HOPE’ can make in your recovery today. Reach out and connect with ‘HOPE’ right now by email at info@hopeplacecentres.org or give us a call toll-free at 1.877.761.6357

hopeplacecentres.org ‘Healing Trauma CONNECTIONS (Shame & Resiliency) ‘A Woman’s Way through the 12 Steps’ ‘A Man’s Way through the 12 Steps’ Living Sober

Parenting Basics Sober Moms Women’s Peer-Support Group Men’s Peer-Support Group

Couples and Family Counselling ‘Family & Friends Peer-Support Group’ NADA Auricular (Ear) Acupuncture Yoga

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LETTER FROM THE EDITOR Issue 18, September/October 2015 Editor In Chief Dee Christensen dee@recoverywiremagazine.com Contributing Writers Dr. Vera Tarman M.D. Darlene Lancer JD, MFT Sheryle Cruse Kimberly-Robyn Covey Sanderson Lang Editor Partick Nolan Cover Photograph by rawdonfox Published 6 Times Yearly: January/February, March/April, May/June, July/August, September/October, November/December Mailing Address 360A Bloor Street West P.O. Box 68506 Walmer Toronto, ON M5S 3C9 1.416.922.9227 Reprints For permission to print any portion of this magazine requests should be sent to: info@recoverywiremagazine.com

Copyright 2012, Canada Post Publications Mail Canada Post Agreement Number: 42459522 Follow or Friend us!

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meetings, get a homegroup and get a life! Go dancing again, go whitewater rafting, join the sober beach volleyball league, take up golf, it doesn’t matter!

Just jump feet-first into your sober life!!” Rest in peace.

With years of sobriety under his belt, my friend died following an overdose, two weeks ago.

I emailed condolences to his family, I inquired with friends about what happened. The “How” and the “Why” of it are somewhat futile questions; I know how; I understand why. And after more than 30 years of attending twelve It was past midnight and I was setting step meetings, I could immediately the alarm on my phone. I spotted a hear the righteous comments about, Facebook notification for a set of how “he must not have been working family photos a friend of mine had a program”, or “he should have gone posted after a trip out west. I opened to more meetings”, or “he should have the app, and started perusing random invested more of himself into step posts; something I rarely do. Despite work”. I found myself smoldering like running a magazine, in my personal a demoted ember; glowing inside with life I am a bit of a social-media hermit. a subtle rage being doused by arctic sadness. Moments like this beg the I scrolled through the most recent question: what if we’re wrong? What posts, past the cat video and the happens when doing everything on umpteenth scantily clad ‘selfie’ of a ‘the list’ isn’t enough? What will be? girl I went to school with. I suddenly spotted the photograph of a memory I spent hours pondering this question. box, and a post above it which read, I would stamp it with a simple answer “Rest in Peace.” I glanced down at the and then scold myself for sounding memory box, and in it was the portrait like one of those virtuous old timers of a close friend. It knocked the wind who have all the answers, and out of me. separate themselves from the mortals still fighting the good fight. I could no There is a short list of people I truly sooner judge or ridicule my friend than enjoy in this world, which is not to I could disparage myself. In honesty, say I don’t have an abundance of a mere month earlier I was watching social companions, but to the point, a movie and midway through a scene I can take most everyone in mere the lead character began using one of piecemeal. But this man, this man my drugs of choice.

I adored. Every bit of time I spent with him, I was aghast at how much I heard my partner ask, “You okay?”

I liked him. He was appallingly funny, he could dance, he was active, he was To which I replied, “Ya, why?” social; he would have been an example I used for new sponsees as a life worth “Because you’ve been rocking forward shooting for. “Get involved, go to

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and backward in your seat for a few minutes now...”

I am not one of the ‘chosen’ for whom cravings have been demolished. I consider that a blessing, in fact, the infrequent pangs cause me to remain humble and vigilant. I will not garner sober currency within ‘the rooms’ simply allowing time to pass; I have to work for it. I must work for it, because I am ever reminded that outside of being a partner, a business owner, a writer, an artist, a friend, a sponsor, a committee member, a non-partisan Green-Party supporter, a TTC-riding-dog-owning-manicure-loving human: I, Dee Christensen, am a fucking drug addict.

Let us decide to reinvent long-term recovery, so no more soldiers are left behind. Let us demolish the belief that long-term recovery is two-dimensional, seamless, and composed. Let us forget about trying to sound like the wise old owl, and instead share our vulnerable truths once again. Let us make it safe for each other to vomit the inner horrors of whatever pains bring us close enough to the edge that we risk joining the fallen. Perhaps then, we won’t feel so alone when our turn comes. Perhaps then we’ll shrink the longing to its right size, and acknowledge it as a phase rather than a terminal state.

Maybe then “Rest in Peace” can be a carving on our I am almost ten years clean, but amidst that movie medallion, and not our headstone. scene, my body involuntarily began to rock. My heart pounded the warning rhythm of something exciting on the horizon, and my hands began to sweat. And the moment my girlfriend pointed out my response, that old darkness set in. You know that darkness? Dee Christensen Editor in Chief It’s a fleeting moment, but a longing just the same.

Had I not been graced with another body in the room Image by Rachel Samanyi I might have curled into a fetal position and sank into a brief abyss, like someone grieving a toxic old friend: a friend who ultimately caused me little more than turmoil, but despite the mayhem and the relief of letting go, sometimes the ride really was…. something.

In the aftermath of a death close to home, I am reminded that no amount of recovery is enough to separate us from the trenches. How often do I attend twelve step meetings only to hear people with long-term recovery begin their share with, “When I first came into the program…”? We have a tendency to get caught up in passing it on and having the answers (feeding the ego), forgetting that we are still addicts ourselves, and we are not immune to the struggles of life.

We still reach for vices when the going gets tough, we still question ourselves, we still feel insecure, we still have moments when we believe people are talking about us/thinking about us/plotting about us. We still feel pangs of pain over the internalized belief that no one will ever want us, understand us, stay with us, love us. And yet, knowing this is so, why is it generally only the newbies sharing the juicy vulnerable stuff?

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10 ADDICTIVE TOP MOST

FOODS

“In Study One, participants completed the Yale Food Addiction Scale (YFAS) followed by a forced-choice task to indicate which foods, out of 35 foods varying in nutritional composition, were most associated with addictivelike eating behaviors.”

Citation: Schulte EM, Avena NM, Gearhardt AN (2015), Which Foods May Be Addictive? The Roles of Processing, Fat Content, and Glycemic Load. PLoS ONE 10(2): e0117959. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0117959

Image by tian chew lim

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CHOCOLATE

H

ow many of us joke about being ‘Chocoholics’? How many times has the term been thrown around like an adorable quirk that holds little viable merit? Is chocolate really an innocent sin, or is there perhaps a little more to it?

Chocolate is derived from the Theobroma Cacao tree.

“Theobroma” is a Greek term meaning ‘food of the gods.’

Chocolate dates back to the early 1500’s, but it wasn’t until the late 1800s when a few key ingredients were added to create what we now know as chocolate today. But is this marvel really “addictive”?

Image by Shari’s Berries

According to her report entitled Is Chocolate Physiologically or Psychologically Addictive, Gwen Slaughter reports there is some merit to the idea that chocolate might be more than an adorable treat.

in the brain. Phenylethylamine is a chemical found in the body that is similar to amphetamine. It helps mediate feelings of giddiness, attraction, euphoria and excitement. Researchers believe phenylethylamine causes the brain to release mesolimbic dopamine in the pleasure centers of the brain.” (Slaughter, 2002) So the next time you reach for a sweet little bite of that chocolaty treat, it might be worth asking yourself if the risk is truly worth the reward.

“Substances found in chocolate, such as phenylethylamine, theobromine, anandamide and tryptophan trigger mood enhancing chemicals and neurotransmitters to be released

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ICED CREAM

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mere 3000 years before our present-day calendar began the Chinese were said to have enjoyed a kind of flavored ice. But somewhere around the 17th century it was said that ice cream, as we know it today, was invented by the Italians.Today, ice cream is a reward for nearly every occasion. Birthdays, heart breaks, promotions and boredom, ice cream has become both crutch and delicacy.

It comes as no surprise that it’s the fat and the sugar content in ice cream that makes it delectable and dangerous.

But did you know that the brain actually responds differently to this duo than say, an apple or a pear? The reward system in the brain is stimulated upon introduction of your chosen scoop, and no sooner does it spike, so shall is drop.

This depletion of reward is what causes us to reach for more, in a futile attempt to repeat that first thrill (sound familiar?).

Image by aloalo*

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FRENCH FRIES

T

hose salty little bite-sized sticks of fried potato have become a staple in North America. Saunter into any restaurant these days and you can almost guarantee you’ll be asked that million dollar question, “Soup, salad or fries with that?” (Gulp) The potato was first discovered in a small village in Colombia in the early 1500’s, and over a period of two decades these diligent little spuds made their way across Europe.

Somewhere around the late 17th century, the Belgians were cutting the potatoes into that infamous shape and frying them. It’s been said that initially this was an alternative to the fish they’d usually fry, except that a drought had rendered them fish-less, and they had to fry something!

The potato itself is a fairly harmless little vegetable, but frying anything is what turns a healthy fat into a saturated

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Image by brett jordan

fat. As a solo artist,b the potato, though high in carbohydrate, isn’t such a bad performer. But deep fry it in oil, and the combination of carbohydrate and saturated fat actually deceives the brain’s reward system and causes you to crave more of it. One is too many, and a thousand…. you know how it goes.

PIZZA

At the beginning of it’s inception, which is a mystery to be clear, we know for sure that pizza was known as a meal for the poor. It was peasant food, served in blue-collar homes around the Mediterranean. Pizza, as we know it today, can be blamed on Raffaele Esposito of Naples. Somewhere in the late 1800s, preceding a visit from his King and Quee, Raffaele baked what he called a “pizza” (named after his restaurant at the time, ‘Pizzeria di Pietro’).

Today, pizza is a time saver for families who can’t (or choose not to) make the time for better choices. It’s a meal found in every cafeteria, ever corner store (in some variety) every freezer and most movie theatres. In an article entitled, Here’s Why One Slice of Pizza is Never Enough, writer Julie Steward reports on a University of Michigan study that takes an indepth look at the worlds most addictive foods.

“Researchers surveyed people about the foods they can’t put down (Pizza topping the list). The most habit-forming foods typically had two things in common—a high fat con8

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tent and a high glycemic load, meaning they spike your blood sugar quickly after ingestion.” (Stewart, 2015)

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COOKIES

Cookies have been around as long as baking has. They first appeared on the scene somewhere in the 7th Century and they’ve been popping up in different cultures ever since.

The cookie made it’s way into America via the Dutch who, at the time, referred to it as a “koekje”. Initial it was a sweet wafer served after a funeral, but in due time it became the snack of choice around homes across North America.

We’ve all fought the temptation, the dreaded cookie aisle.

We approach with the intention of finding a low fat variety.

We enter that splendid row of soft-cornered boxes, certain we can find something with flax or raisins to satisfy us?

But there they are, the Chips Ahoy, the Pirate Cookies, and ahhhh…. The Oreo.

In a study performed by Professor Joseph Schroeder at Connecticut College, with the help of his student body, a

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Image by Diyosa Carter

study was performed to test the addictiveness of certain foods, like say, the Oreo cookie. The findings of the study, performed on lab rats, produced alarming results.

“They found Oreos stimulated many more neurons than cocaine or morphine.” (Paddock PhD, 2013)

CHIPS

It was 1853, in a small diner in Saratoga Springs, New York.

George Crum was growing tired of hearing the complaints of a guest who insisted his fried potatoes were far too thick. In a moment of frustration (and perhaps a slight f-u to the customer), George carved pieces from said potato razor thin, deep fried them, and doused them in extra salt.

Much to his shock, the customer loved them, and it was all down hill from there.

In an article entitled , Potato Chips: Why You Can’t Eat Just One Eric Berger reports on a study performed by Canadian obesity researcher Dr. Arya Sharma. The study implies that receptors in our mouths (upon coming into contact with certain fats/salt) actually trigger an alarm in our gut.

The bodily process caused by a single potato chip brings new meaning to the term ‘oral fixation’, Dr. Sharmas findings were published in Proceedings of the

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Image by Mike Haller

National Academy of Sciences, California. “This study shows that oral sensing of fat sends a signal to the brain, which in turn sends a signal to the gut leading to formation of endocannabinoids, which in turn reenforce fat eating.” (Berger, 2011)

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CAKE

Blame the ancient Romans for boosting their basic bread recipe with butter, eggs and honey. Cake has been a major player in our history since the toga was in fashion. What birthday is complete without one? We love cake. We all have our favorites: carrot, coffee, cheese, red velvet, devils food, and angel’s food. And lest we forget the cupcake, which has become the latest trend, with it’s candied flower and its dollop of obnoxious-coloured icing.

What is it about cake that renders us so weak? Is it the refined sugar? The fat? The salt? The carbohydrates? Uhhh… ya, that about covers it.

Foods touting this much flavor, texture, and smell actually cause a dopamine release similar to drugs. Certain foods trigger higher feelings of bliss than others, due to their sugar, fat, salt and carb content. We shove that innocent slice of cake in our mouth, and our neurons begin firing. A good

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Image by B.

rule of thumb is, the more a diverse a food it in it’s artificial flavor resume, the more forcefully those neurons will fire, telling the brain the body needs more, more, more!

BUTTERED POPCORN

Discovered in a bat cave in west central New Mexico, the first ears of popping corn date back 4000 years. Peruvian Indians used it as a confection in the mid 17th century. It would be the 19th century when butter was added to the mix, as recipes began popping up throughout America that required butter in a hot covered pan.

Today popcorn is a major industry. We salt it, we butter it, we cover it in sugar, we coat it in caramel; we dust it with dill pickle/jalapeno/white cheddar and a concoction of all three. We let this addiction slip past us, because who can resist that intoxicating smell?

Popcorn, in its virgin form, might not be so bad, if not for the added salt and butter. But a single cup of popcorn (be it in a theatre, a microwave or a box touted with caramel) boasts a whopping 50 to 190 mg of sodium. And that small bag of corn from the theatre is around19% saturated fat.

But that might not be the only reason your body craves

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another hit. If you find yourself aching for the corn even more than the average user, you might want to have your iron and zinc levels checked. Compulsive popcorn cravings have been linked to deficiencies in certain minerals. This addiction might be one of the rare curable ones.

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CHEESEBURGER

Do we even need to tell you about the risks here? That bleach-floured bun, that trans-fat soaked patty and that slab of cheese? (Not to mention you’re likely pairing it with a cold Root Beer and French fries). But perhaps you don’t realize the hazards of, even occasional exposure, to something as sinful as a cheeseburger.

In an article entitled, Burgers are as Addictive as Drugs, Jonathan Leake and Andrew Porter of the Sunday Times (UK) take an in-depth look at the real story behind a cheeseburger addiction.

“The addictive nature of fatty foods has been established by researchers at Rockefeller University in New York, who found that regularly eating the products can quickly reconfigure the body’s hormonal system to want yet more fat.”

(Leake & Porter, 2003) And let’s not forget about those lazy nights when throwing

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Image by stu_spivack

some chicken on a salad seems like too much work, and the little ones are treated to foil-wrapped drive-thru meals. Leake and Porter go on to discuss the future ramifications of introducing this kind of irresponsible diet to children. “…early exposure to fatty food could influence children’s choices so that they would always seek a similar diet, increasing the likelihood of obesity in later life.”

MUFFIN

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e find ourselves heading into the local coffee shop for a liquid pick-me-up, and as we stand behind that counter we talk ourselves out of the cookie. No, not today!

There will be no eclair, no donut, no chocolate stuffed sugar coated scone! We choose the muffin; subtle, unsuspecting, and we’re certain it’ll be better for us than the aforementioned list! Right? Especially if we choose the bran-packed version, bran tastes just awful, it must be healthy.

Sadly, muffins are simply cake with a twist. Add all the bran and raisins you’d like, it’s still appallingly packed with oil and fat.And even if you choose the low fat option, did you know that a single bran muffin can contain as much as 600 mg of sodium? It’s one thing to eat something knowing you’re causing your sodium intake to skyrocket, but that sneaky little muffin is causing a dangerous spike you didn’t expect.

Image by Migle

According to Fiona Macrea of The Daily Mail, in an editorial entitled Why Salt is Addictive, high intake of sodium is more than just a health risk, it causes an unexpected response in the body.

In a study performed on lab rats, high doses of sodium resulted in “brain cells (producing) proteins more usually linked to addiction to substances such as heroin, cocaine and nicotine.”

(Macrae, 2011)

Works Cited Berger, E. (2011). Potato chips: Here’s why you can’t eat just one. Chron., Leake, J., & Porter, A. (2003). Burgers are as addictive as drugs. Sunday Times, UK., Paddock PhD, C. (2013). Oreo cookies as addictive as cocaine - to lab rats. Medical News Today., Slaughter, G. (2002). Is Chocolate Physiologically or Psychologically Addictive? . Serendip., Stewart, J. (2015). Here’s Why One Slice of Pizza is Never Enough. Men’s Health.

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By Dr. Vera Tarman MD Author of, The Truth About Food Addiction: Food Junkies Image by Alice Rosen

‘MOST

ADDICTIVE’

FOODS

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SURPRISED?

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Euphoric recall. It happens when people start listing their BBF – bestest best foods. For one it’s donuts, for another, potato chips. “OMG! This is AMAZING…!” The salivary glands and adrenaline start to flow even at the thought of ingesting some of these items. Scientists led by Dr. Nicole Avena were curious about which foods would most likely produce this response. In other words, which were considered the most addictive of the common foods we eat?

They conducted a University of Michigan study to identify these and, more importantly, what qualities these foods have in common.

Not surprisingly, popular junk foods such as pizza, chocolate, potato chips, cookies and ice cream were found to be highly addictive. Also not surprisingly, the list was made up almost entirely of highly processed foods. In his bestseller Salt, Sugar, Fat, journalist Michael Moss exposes just what goes on in the labs of retail food giants such as Kraft, CocaCola, Kellogg, Cargill and Frito-Lay. He describes how these companies’ scientists and others in the junk food business use technology to actually calculate the “bliss point” of sodas and the “mouthfeel” of fatty foods like potato chips. What does it take to create that euphoric response that has you eating out of their hands?

With efforts by highly specialized scientists to create foods that are designed to make consumers eat more, is it any wonder what Avena et al. discovered?

By using the Yale Food Addiction Scale, she and her colleagues discovered a list that resembled the food binger’s ideal shopping list: chocolate (No. 1), ice cream (2) and French fries (3). All filled with the requisite ingredients: sugar, salt and fat. The least likely to be identified as problematic were cucumbers (33), broccoli (34) and beans (35). Of those foods first determined to be tricky, pizza topped the list in intensity, based on a 7-point rating scale of “not problematic at all” to “extremely problematic.” The least problematic foods were beans, carrots and cucumbers.

I was startled by how buttered popcorn was number 8 on the list. What? I remember how I used to eye my partner’s popcorn bag at the movies. On my urging, we both got extra - large sizes. “But, I don’t need large” she would hesitate. I begged her to order it anyway. I knew that 1/ 3 through the bag, she would groan and push her bag away. My hand would be there waiting

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to grab the bag. In the dark of the movie theatre, I surreptitiously emptied the remains of her bag into mine, which would inevitably be nearly empty. I felt righteous in doing so – popcorn was surely not as bad as the M and Ms and the gummy bears that I proudly rejected at the counter. Plus, neither of us got the added butter. I was watching my weight.

Now I understood why I lost interest in going to movies when we finally swore off popcorn. Suddenly our Friday night ritual dissolved, as I kept finding myself too tired to go out late at night. Was I just getting old – or had I only been going to movies to eat the popcorn? It seemed unbelievable, but true. Now I go to movies only when I really want to see the film - rarely.

Muffins in the top 10 list equally surprised me. How many times have I refused the buttery croissants or cookies to choose the low fat muffin, feeling mollified that I was choosing the healthier morning option?

Again, no butter or jam. I ate it plain, though would choose the muffin with the nuts, fruit and extra cheese. Had my diet been so misguided? It certainly may explain why I still craved food, never feeling full or satisfied. I was also not able to keep a stable weight unless I starved myself on a regular basis. I was always thinking about food.

What Dr. Avena’s list provides (beyond validation and morbid fascination among food addicts) is, first, concrete guidance for structuring a food plan to aid the food addicts amongst us trying to kick the habit.

Many such addicts in recovery have begun their “sobriety” by identifying (in order to eliminate) their trigger foods that top these lists. Had I known to stop the popcorn and muffins, I might have found food sobriety much sooner, and much easier to achieve long-term. I would not have found the need to starve myself. I would not have felt like I was depriving myself. Now that I no longer eat my trigger foods, I simply don’t want them anymore. I am released from the craving, and the concept of deprivation is a distant memory.

Second, this study, and others like it, offer solid evidence that can be used to help persuade the food industry to change its ways. The obesity epidemic can be blamed on overeating these “highly palatable” foods that are almost impossible to eat with moderation. Why shirk from calling these foods

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addictive? This hesitation only benefits the food industry.

Here is the list of Top Twenty (in order of addictiveness):

We already know from previous research—and as I’ve been pointing out for years in my lectures on food addiction—rats hooked on sugar behave a lot like rats addicted to cocaine. We also know through the miracle of PET scans that the human brain lights up no differently whether it’s fed sugar or coke. The difference? You can’t buy cocaine at every gas station and convenience store, and we don’t have large corporations flooding us with ads to snort more coke.

As we work to pressure Big Food to clean up its act, we now can look to this research to help us narrow our focus. Avena et al. have given us a definitive and specific list of targets topped by pizza, candy bars, ice cream, cookies, and *sigh!* Popcorn. Pass the carrots, please!

Chocolate, ice cream, French fries, pizza, cookies, chips, cake, popcorn buttered, cheeseburger, muffin, cereal, gummy candy, fried chicken, soda, rolls, cheese, pretzels, bacon, crackers, nuts, steak.

“Which Food May be Addictive? The Roles of Processing, Fat Content, and Glycemic Load”. Schulte, Avena, Gearhardt, Feb 18, 2015, DOI: 10.1371/journal. pone.0117959

Dianne Piaskoski BComm, BSc, MMath, MA

but’terfly effect` The “butterfly effect”is a term in chaos theory that depicts how one small change (the flap of a butterflies wings) in one place can result in a large and unpredictable change (a hurricane, say) in another place.

The same can be true when we make small changes in our lives.

Addictions Counselling 2. JOUR-

(416) 522-9421 dianne@butterfly-effect.ca www. butterfly-effect.ca

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afor people magazine living in recovery

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By Darlene Lancer JD, MFT Author of “Codependency for Dummies” and “Conquering Shame and Codependency” Image by Derrick Tyson

Dealing with a PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE Partner

Crazy Little Owls by Wilson Hui

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Passive-aggressive people act passive, but express aggression covertly. They’re basically obstructionist, and try to block whatever it is you want. Their unconscious anger gets transferred onto you, and you become frustrated and furious. Your fury is theirs, while they may calmly ask, “Why are you getting so angry?” and blame you for the anger they’re provoking.

Passive-aggressive partners are generally codependent, and like codependents, suffer from shame and low self-esteem. Their behavior is designed to please to appease and counter to control. You may be experiencing abuse, but not realize it, because their strategy of expressing hostility is covert and manipulative, leading to conflict and intimacy problems.

unaware of the problems they’re causing. They refuse to take responsibility for anything, and distort reality, rationalize, blame, make excuses, minimize, deny, or flat out lie about their behavior or the promises or agreements they’ve made.

Forgetting: Rather than say no or address their anger, they forget your birthday or the plans you’ve discussed, or forget to put gas in the car, pickup your prescription, or fix the leaky toilet. You end up feeling hurt and angry.

Procrastinating:

They’re avoidant and don’t like schedules or deadlines.

It’s another form of rebellion, so they delay and delay with endless excuses. They don’t follow through on According to the American Psychological Association responsibilities, promises, or agreements. If they’re passive-aggression was considered a personality unemployed, they drag their feet looking for work. You disorder in the DSM-IV: may do more job-searching on their behalf than they do.

This behavior commonly reflects hostility which the individual feels he dare not express openly. Often the Obstructing: behavior is one expression of the patient’s resentment at failing to find gratification in a relationship with This is another nonverbal form of saying NO. When you an individual or institution upon which he is over- try to decide on where or when to go on vacation, pick out an apartment, or make plans, they find fault with dependent. (APA, 1968, p. 44, code 301.81) After nearly 40 years it was dropped in 1994. There’s each suggestion and won’t offer any of their own. renewed interest in studying passive-aggression. (See a 2009 study). Passive-aggression was found to be Ambiguity: related to borderline and narcissistic personality disorders, negative childhood experiences, and They hate to take a stand. They don’t say what they want or mean. However, their behavior tells the truth, substance abuse. which is usually NO. This way they retain control Characteristics of and blame you for being controlling. As you might Passive-Aggression: expect, negotiating agreements, such as in a divorce or child visitation plan, is exasperating. In addition to Because you can’t have an honest, direct conversation procrastinating, they avoid being pinned down. They with a passive-aggressive partner, nothing ever may insist on “reasonable visitation,” and label your gets resolved. They say yes, and then their behavior attempts to specify a predictable plan as controlling. screams NO. They try to sabotage your wants, needs, Don’t be fooled. This only postpones negotiation when and plans using a variety of tactics. We all engage in repetitive arguments can occur over every exchange some of these behaviors some of the time, but when of the children. Alternatively, they might agree to there’s a pervasive pattern of multiple symptoms, it’s terms, but not abide by them. You can expect to be likely that you’re dealing with passive-aggression. back in court.

Personality Disorder:

Denial:

Never angry:

Like all codependents, they’re in denial of the impact of their behavior. This is why they blame others,

They don’t express their anger openly. In childhood, they may have been punished or scolded for showing

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anger, or were never permitted to object. Their only outlet is passive-aggressive, oppositional behavior.

family, and sometimes they depend unfairly on their partner for support.

Incompetency:

Withholding:

When they finally do what you ask, you likely have to redo it. If they make a repair, it might not last or you’ll have to clean the mess they made. If they’re helping with house cleaning, their inefficiency may drive you to do it yourself. At work, they make careless errors.

Withholding communication is another form of expressing anger and asserting power passively. They may walk away, refusing to talk things over, or play the victim and say, “You’re always right,” shutting down the discussion. They’re unable to articulate what they want, feel, or need. Instead, they retain their power using the silent treatment or withholding material/ financial support, affection, or sex. This undermines intimacy as a way to fight against their dependency.

Lateness: Chronic lateness is a half-hearted way of saying NO. They agree to a time, but show up late. You’re dressed-up, waiting to go out, and they’re “stuck at the office,” on the Internet, or watching the game and not ready. Lateness at work or delivering assignments is a self-sabotaging form of rebellion that can get them dismissed.

Negativity:

What You Can Do

Playing the Victim:

Because a passive-aggressive person is indirect, it may be hard to recognize what’s going on, but it’s essential that you recognize whom you’re dealing with. Look for a pervasive pattern of several of the above symptom, and monitor your feelings. You may feel angry, confused, or powerless when trying to get cooperation. If this is a common pattern, you’re likely dealing with passiveaggression.

The problem is always someone else’s fault. Their denial, shame, and lack of responsibility cause them to play the victim and blame others. You or their boss become the controlling, demanding one. They always have an excuse, but it’s their own self-destructive behaviors that cause them problems.

It’s important not to react. When you nag, scold, or get angry, you escalate conflict and give your partner more excuses and ammunition to deny responsibility.

Not only that, you step into the role of parent – the very one your partner is rebelling against. Don’t be vague, drop hints, blame, or allow yourself to pay-back in kind.

Their personality may include pouting or acting sullen, stubborn, or argumentative. They feel misunderstood and unappreciated and scorn and criticize authority.

They frequently complain and envy and resent those more fortunate.

Dependency: While fearing domination, they’re dependent, nonassertive, indecisive, and unsure of themselves.

They’re unaware of their dependency and fight it whenever they can. Their obstructionism is a pseudo attempt at independence. They don’t leave, but withdraw or withhold intimacy instead. An autonomous person has healthy self-esteem, is assertive, and can take a stand and keep commitments. Not so for someone passive-aggressive. Their behavior is designed to avoid responsibility for themselves and

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There are a myriad of other things they might do, like slamming doors, giving away something of yours, or offering you dessert that you’re allergic to or when you’re dieting.

Neither be passive, nor aggressive. Instead, be assertive. It’s far better to address noncompliance and problems in the relationship directly. Frame it in terms of “We have a problem,” not “You are the problem,” which is shaming. Don’t blame or judge your partner, but describe the behavior you don’t like, how it affects you and the relationship, and what you want. If you let your partner come up with a solution to a problem, there’s a better chance of resolution.

When you go along with your partner’s tactics or take on his or her responsibilities, you enable and encourage

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more passive-aggressive behavior. It would be similar to nagging your child, but allowing the youngster not to do his or her chores. This takes practice and requires being assertive. Be prepared to set boundaries with consequences. See my blog, “10 Reasons Why Boundaries Don’t Work.” For suggestions on dealing with passive-aggression, write me at info@darlenelancer.com for “12 Strategies for Handling Manipulators.” Practice the tools in How to Speak Your Mind- Become Assertive and Set Limits. ©Darlene Lancer, 2015

Be sure to check out Darlene Lancer’s NEW BOOK! This essential guide explores the powerful emotion of shame, what can happen if it is not addressed, and provides practical advice on how to break deep-rooted patterns.

Now available at Amazon! www.recoverywiremagazine.com

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By Sheryle Cruse Author of “Thin Enough: My Spiritual Journey Through the Living Death of an Eating Disorder” Image by Dr Tr

THE WRONG KIND OF

LEGACY

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Disordered image issues have been with me since my childhood. But I wasn’t the only one engaging in the mindsets.

appearance. There’s no setting in which it’s appropriate. Kids need to be kids, free from the importance of a thin appearance.

When I was in fifth grade, during recess, my third grade teacher struck up a conversation with me.

We had just returned from summer vacation and, as children are prone to do, I had changed. Perhaps it was a growth spurt. Regardless, my third grade teacher remarked, “Sheryle, you’ve slimmed down. Are you dieting?”

2) Don’t criticize an overweight physical stature. You’re not an expert; you’re not a doctor. If there’s a legitimate health concern, deal with it in a health context, not in the context of your personal appearance opinions.

I was shocked by the question…and flattered.

By this time, I’d already started my dieting and selfrejection behaviors. I knew something was “wrong” with me as long as I was overweight. But hearing the validation from an adult, from one of my teachers, no less, gave it extra firepower. Now it had credence beyond my mother or miscellaneous family members who made comments about my overweight body. This feedback was from an objective “outsider,” after all.

And she was an expert on children, a teacher. So, it must be true, right?

3) Don’t recommend dieting. Again, if there’s a legitimate health issue, work with trained doctors, nutritionists and therapists to resolve it. But believing your own “fix it” plan of placing a child on a diet may do more harm than good. You could be setting that child up for a lifetime of negative self-esteem and body image issues.

4) Don’t praise the child for a thinner body; don’t compare the child with another child’s physique. Again, this is unhealthy.

You’re sending a toxic message that the child Autumn is typically when kids are starting new is inferior and will not be “okay” unless and school years. Whether it’s elementary, high school or until he/she whittles down to the particular college, young people often return to classes having desired weight. undergone some kind of change or growth spurt. And yes, there may be some startling transformations.

As someone in recovery, I get quite uneasy as people make comments about physical appearance. It’s tough enough as an adult. But I get extremely nervous when an adult makes a comment about a child’s weight.

Whether it’s an insult, a warning or high praise, there’s still danger at the mention of the issue.

Kids do learn their value systems from the adults surrounding them. Family poses its own challenges, with their image estimations. Authority figures, like teachers and clergy, likewise, teach powerful lessons on what is valuable, worth rejecting and “right.”

Never underestimate the power of those words/life lessons.

“I think....you still have no idea. The effect you can have.”

Suzanne Collins, Mockingjay And so, I’m including some pointers concerning children and their appearance.

1) Don’t comment on a child’s physical

5) DO validate the child, as is. Let him/ her know there’s nothing which can add or detract from their lovability, value and uniqueness. The child is wonderful as is.

Period. Therefore, teach this truth to your child as soon as he/she is old enough to understand.

“God saw all that he had made, and it was very good…”

Genesis 1:31

“A beautiful person is not defined by a hair style, a pair of shoes, it’s not the logos on the T-shirt, the sport’s team on a hat, the designer’s name on a hand bag, or even how you smell.

“Instead, beauty lies in who you are when no one is watching, the person you are when there’s nothing to hide behind. No amount of concealer can cover up a cantankerous heart,

but all the make-up in the world can’t add a single lumen to We are teaching them something. May none of us, the brightness of a beautiful soul.” then, teach them the prisons of a life-threatening and Justin Young soul-shattering disorder.

They deserve to never learn that lesson!

“You possess a great soul, awaken the spirit.”

Lailah Gifty Akita

Copyright © 2015 by Sheryle Cruse

You may think I’m overreacting, but believe me, one never knows who will respond to image comments through a dangerous eating disorder. Certain comments can be the triggering factor which launches a particular child into anorexia, bulimia, self-hatred and suicidal tendencies.

Disordered body and eating issues are complex and tough enough to navigate in our distorted image culture today as adults. But children are vulnerable innocents.

And so, we do need everything in our arsenal to equip them with a healthy sense of sense, as well as healthy lifestyle habits.

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By Kimberley-Robyn Covey

REVIEW 24

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“They tried to make me go to rehab I said no, no, no….”

When I first heard this tune I chuckled. I thought it was a punchy little song with a great melody … and I could absolutely relate to her (as most of us in this magazine’s readership) for not wanting to go to a treatment center while she was still living in the ‘party’. Now, after watching this very real and raw documentary about the brief and tragically messy life of Amy Winehouse, I will never hear that song the same way. It is so not funny anymore.

When Amy’s 2006 breakthrough album, “Back to Black”, featuring her signature tune “Rehab”, exploded onto the scene, selling over 20 million copies and winning five Grammys, she was catapulted into a crazy meteoric rise to global stardom. Mega star status was something she was ill prepared for, and was certainly not emotionally equipped for as evidenced by her tragic behaviors.

How many times did we hear of Amy’s drug induced antics and drunken adventures during her short career?

We would shake our heads in a gesture of disapproval, easily dismissing her behavior as ridiculous or as that of a typically dysfunctional addict, all the while indulging and enabling her dysfunction as a society fascinated by glamour and drama. It was, we thought, just who she was … part of her ‘bad girl’ image. We overlooked it because of her extraordinary talent. Little did we know, episode by episode, that we were all watching her die.

Director Asif Kapadia effortlessly gains our trust in this film’s credibility by providing us with an intimate view of who Amy Winehouse really was and where she came from without any unnecessary narrative or sensationalism. He achieves this by using a multitude of video clips, home movies, previously unseen footage, archived photographs, stills and even selfies shot by Amy herself. These vignettes and snapshot glimpses of Amy are accompanied by candid commentary from the people closest to her such as, amongst others, her childhood friend, Juliette Ashby and her close friend and first manager, Nick Shymansky.

In the film’s opening scene Kapadia uses an old home video shot before Amy was discovered to introduce us to the future star. The clip shows young Amy goofing around at her friend’s 14th birthday party, playfully licking a lollipop and crooning happy birthday in that smoky, sultry infamous voice of hers. She appears to be a normal teenage girl who happens to have an amazing gift.

Amy’s

personality

reveals

itself

through

her

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behaviors and perceptions. Before her rise to fame we experience her as a smart, precocious young woman who dreams of being a famous jazz performer playing in small intimate venues. We get an idea of her being fairly opinionated about music genres and artists by her outspoken humorous comments about Dido and Justin Timberlake. We get a sense of her high spirits when we see her jokingly donning a Spanish accent and giving an exaggerated guided tour of her dwelling on video.

She is absolutely endearing, we can’t help but like her persona, yet there was something disturbing about Amy, a little gnawing concern, something we can’t quite put our finger on at first. But it all washes away when she effortlessly belts out a few songs. The power and beauty of her voice are amazing. She was a natural mega talent.

The songs she wrote were hauntingly beautiful and often exposed her vulnerabilities. In one of the clips Amy explains, “I write songs because I am F—ked up in the head and need to get it down on paper.”

Throughout the film Amy’s lyrics are featured on the screen as she sings … an uncanny and powerfully accurate narrative to the existence she was living.

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Despite her tremendous talent and wit, the warning signs were there. Kapadia does a brilliant job of shedding light on the personal stumbling blocks that would eventually destroy Amy. Besides serious problems with bulimia and depression and struggles with selfesteem, Amy’s closest friends reveal how she also struggled with ‘Daddy Issues’ since being devastated by her parent’s break up.

It became apparent that there was a void in Amy that she tried to fill with approval from manipulative men, with passive aggressive controlling behavior, and eventually with the booze, heroin and crack cocaine that would destroy her career and eventually take her life.

Her real demise started after she met Blake FielderCivil, the man who introduced her to heroin and cocaine.

He was, himself, an addict, and needed to keep Amy on drugs in order to ensure his own supply. In her sickness, Amy became totally obsessed with him and quickly spiraled into hopelessness.

In one unforgettable clip in the film, there is a horrific video capturing Amy and Blake after a violent quarrel.

They look terrible; Amy skinny and sick with black eyeliner smeared all over her face, hair in complete disarray, and Blake dripping blood, his face and neck covered in scratches.

Blake wasn’t the only bad influence in Amy’s world.

She was surrounded by enablers and users. Like any epic ‘rise and fall’ story, there was a cast of characters who all played key roles in her destruction. Amy’s mother, Janis, openly admits that she didn’t have the ability to discipline or guide her daughter. When it came to light that teenage Amy was binging and purging as a diet plan she dismissed Amy’s bulimia as ‘nothing serious’.

Amy’s father, self-seeking and self-absorbed, was more interested in procuring financial gain from his daughter’s sudden fame than he was concerned about his daughter’s welfare. Amy idolized her father and, at one of her low points, invited him to spend time with her during a rest period after drug treatment. Instead of going to visit Amy as a loving and supportive father, he shows up with a camera crew in an attempt to film a reality show about being Amy’s dad. She actually pleads with him to not film her. It is very sad.

strategy resulted in Amy Winehouse actually being so out of it on stage in Belgrade that she could barely walk, didn’t know where she was and was incapable of singing. It was painful to watch such a powerhouse talent stumbling around the stage to an angry thunder of catcalls and boos.

Instant fame had been hard and ruthless on Amy. Her struggles with drugs, alcohol and men became tabloid sensations. Paparazzi hounded her like vultures. Her descent into hell became a public circus of sad spectacle after spectacle.

It made me angry to witness the callousness of the media, and to watch late night talk show hosts make fun and joke about her bulimia while capitalizing on her drunken escapades. I also felt guilty about the judgment calls I made about Amy Winehouse and the lack of compassion I had for a struggling sister.

I was really grateful that amidst all the darkness there was a wonderful scene where Amy was privileged to be able to record a jazz duet with one of her idols, Tony Bennett. The footage shows Mr. Bennett kindly encouraging Amy despite her nervousness. Amy makes a mistake and shyly asks Mr. Bennett for a second chance to do it again. The eighty year old icon cheerfully obliges and they bring it home on the second try. Amy’s joy in that moment is clear and touching. It made me happy to see her have that moment.

This film is a real eye opener and shows Amy Winehouse in a totally different light than what the tabloid media has portrayed. At times it is uncomfortable to watch because of its truth, its rawness … And our guilt.

This documentary tells the story of a human train wreck, a somber tale of how addiction and depression combined with fame and money destroyed Amy Winehouse’s young life. More importantly though, this film is a vehicle that sheds a much needed and compassionate light on the real Amy Winehouse. We are reminded that she was human, a vulnerable little girl.

Somebody’s daughter…. A lost soul searching for love.

Concert Promoter Raye Cosbert profited greatly from Amy’s shows. He forced the struggling singer to perform live concert tours when she was clearly in the throes of desperate alcoholism and ill equipped to even tie a shoelace let alone sing for paying audiences. This

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By Sanderson Layng Television Producer, Recovery Wire Media Group Image byKarl Cossio

TREATMENT CENTRE OR PA?

S

I’ve almost completely lost track of which Generation we are in – first there was X, and then Y (also known as Millennials), and soon it will be something new.

What’s in the wings? I propose Generation C. These are people of any age who have gone through one of our transformational treatment centres and have been, for all intents and purposes, cured of their addictions or related maladies.

the weeds and the thorns just grow over, hiding them like the residents of the Overlook Hotel?

Fortunately, recovery is part of an economy. Many treatment centres are quite lavish with accommodations as swank as a top line hotel. Some of the top luxury treatment centres are even out of range for the most affluent of vacationers, yet offer many of the same perks.

This will be a generation truly lost in space. What do you do with all your old habits once you have taken the cure? Without a bad habit, how will you waste your time and resources? Curing people without a healthy replacement for addiction may be one of the great disservices of those who plot in 21 day cycles.

Quit Alcohol.com did a review of 1300 treatment centres in the U.S. and ranked the Top 10. Recovery rates are listed as the first criteria and the results are a little surprising. Luxury doesn’t equal success every time. Perhaps the most publicly well-known treatment facility in the U.S. is the Betty Ford Centre, which only And what’s going to happen to all those treatment ranked 8 out of 10 with a recovery rate of 70%, while centres once everyone who is going to has taken the Solutions Recovery Centre ranked number 1, with a rate cure – think of all that property, all those beds, all that of 95%. serenity – will they just sit there like ghost towns until

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With many treatment centres, the property they are on is vast and beautiful, like a picture painted of your future, once the cure has been achieved. It could be said that the best part of these ‘Spa like’ facilities is that one can spend as much quality time looking out as one does looking inward.

What if they were open to the public? What if the cured and the might-be-cured could pay a visit, like a museum tour; with bedrooms, exercise areas, dining rooms, pool tables and community rooms roped off so that history is preserved? In other cases, they could be used exclusively for two day/three night packages, for those who have relapsed. Or they could serve as conference locations, where public servants come to grips with downsizing, or people in the cable television field learn to speak ‘Netflix’.

Perhaps it should be up to the Recovery Community to decide the fate of these facilities? Some have suggested that they be used as prison camps for dealers? Inmates could distract themselves with learning new ways to cook Lasagna, to make up for endless nightly screening of, The Green Mile.

Despite the economic undertones, there are still many people who believe that the currency for recovery isn’t money, but courage. If all the money spent on causes (which have less impact on our over-all economy and wellbeing of our species) was invested in actual recovery, we would all be cheering reporting rates well above the norm.

While saving endangered animals or testing for global warming in the Amazon are both close to my heart, I am keenly aware that recovery is by far the better investment for our economy, communities and country. Everyone wins when an addict is recycled back into our community, and advances as much outwardly as they have on their inward journey. And at the end of the day, history proves that addiction recovery is about peace, not place.

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