Issue 13 by Recovery Wire

November December 2014

The Food Fight : Eating Disorder or Food Addiction?

TheRecovery MOVEMENT Is anonymity hindering our progress?

Love,Lust orIsADDICTION? your obsession a sign of love or addiction?

TheLOWsideof aKeepingHIGH Bottom it together on the outside, secretly dying on the inside?

TOP 10 WAYS TO PARTY SOBER

CHURNING OUT DYSMORPHIA

Image by Franziska Geiser Image by Bex Ross

LETTER FROM THE EDITOR Are you an advice giver? Have you ever questioned your motives in doling out all that free input? Did anyone even ask you?

TOP 10 WAYS TO PARTY SOBER Tis almost the season: coctail parties, celebrations and holiday festivities. For those of you feeling tempted to join in the fun, despite the tumultuous terrain, here is a list of handy little tips to help you stay happy and sober along the way.

LOVE, LUST OR ADDICTION Darlene Lancer, author of “Conquering Shame and Codependency” takes us through the complicated matters of the heart. Are you indeed in love? Do you have a heavy case of lust? Or is it a new addiction? Are you ready to hear the truth?

THE RECOVERY MOVEMENT There is a movement afoot: the recovery awareness movement. How real is it? And how much a part of it are you? If addiction recovery had a ribbon, would you wear it?

THE LOW SIDE OF A HIGH BOTTOM We often hear about those high bottoms; the people who barely seemed to lose anything and look like they have it together. Or do they?

THE FOOD FIGHT Is food a major issue for you? Have you ever wondered whether you’re living with a food addiction or an eating disorder? Dr. T sheds some light on which is which, and how to overcome your food fight.

VENDING MACHINE DYSMORPHIA Do you suffer a healthy amount of vanity, or perhaps is your fixation a bit deeper than that? How much of your time is spent on fixating on your image? Maybe it’s time to take the test.

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LETTER FROM THE EDITOR hands sweating, I was on the cusp of a new adventure and the potential joy/ risk factor was palpable. But once I’d placed the order and it was confirmed the cabin was mine, I put it out of my mind. That is, until I began soaking in the reactions from people in my life.

Issue 13, November/December 2014 Editor In Chief Dee Christensen dee@recoverywiremagazine.com Contributing Writers Darlene Lancer JD, MFT Jeff Wilbee Kimberly-Robyn Covey Dr. Vera Tarman M.D. Dee Christensen SSW

“What on earth are you going to do for a week, alone, in a cottage? Do they have wifi?” “Nope.” I said. “Jesus, you’ll go crazy! What’ll you do all day, for seven days!?”

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I’m not sure if it was a movie I watched or a book I read, but midway through the summer I began romanticizing about a week away at a rustic cabin somewhere. I spent one afternoon sifting through an assortment of rental advertisements and tiny snapshots until I eventually found one I liked. Leading up to my trip people started asking me questions about my miniholiday. Most of it was polite chitchat until I responded to the question about occupancy. Was I taking a partner, or a group of friends? Who’s going? “I’m going alone.”

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The conversation abruptly paused. Indeed I’d never been on a trip like this alone before, but I was thrilled about it. I imagined all the scenes I’d loved in books and movies, of women having triumphant love affairs with themselves; buying villas in Tuscany and eating/praying/loving their way through life. I wanted a piece for myself, and renting this cottage was my first major step. And it was no small feat for me; I’m still not adept at treating myself. I must have sat in front of my virtual shopping cart for an hour, letting the mouse coast over the, “PLACE ORDER” button a dozen times. My heart palpitating, my

I hadn’t thought about it, and once I started thinking about it, I started to worry. Had I made a mistake? Was I crazy to think the real experience would be as romantic and fulfilling as it appears in books and movies? One evening I even comforted myself with the financial loss, if I don’t go this is how much I’ll be out; that sort of thing. Eventually I opted to pull out one of my very first recovery tools: STAY PRESENT. I promised myself I would do what was directly in front of me, and avoid speculation and foreshadowing. And as departure-day approached, I coached myself like I’d done so many years before, when another fear of failure had haunted me. Each time I started to worry I said aloud, “No, right now you’re packing shirts. Just pack your shirts.” “Right now you’re just making your bed, make your bed.” “Right now you’re just loading the car. Just load the car.” “Right now you’re just printing directions, focus on printing directions.”

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“Right now you’re just locking your door, forget the butterflies: just lock your door.” Eventually I was on the highway, and my adventure had begun. Three hours later I had coached myself onto a little gravel driveway. I coached myself to unload my car and make a cup of tea. I coached myself to change into some comfy clothes, and take a seat near the water. And just then, I knew I’d achieved something. I’m not sure what I was afraid of, perhaps the potential tedium or conceivable loneliness? I felt neither. I stayed at that cottage a week, in total silence. I have no idea what I did each day. I puttered mostly. I took my dogs for a swim, I had coffee by the lake on an old chair that told its own story. I drifted in and out of meditation, endearingly interrupted by the odd fish nipping at a liquid ceiling, emitting an echo of rings. There were indeed moments when I wondered what to do next, but I was never “lonely.” It occurred to me then, that lonely is a lifestyle, or a state of mind. “Lonely” is not an automatic response when one is alone, that is a dangerous myth: a myth that has the potential to keep us from truly experiencing ourselves. When I returned from my trip, I started on a journey of dating myself. This journey wasn’t about my partner, it was about me alone. There were things I wanted to experience on my own, and I decided it was time. Perhaps in the aftermath of this voyage, in moments when finding a companion for something wasn’t possible, I’d never again be held back by it.

solo trip overseas. I started thinking back to all the times in recovery I cursed the ceiling during solo encounters, all the times I was convinced that being alone was an impediment or a mere waiting room before the main event. All the times I’d participated in recovery, I had reserved an expectation in the back of my mind that I had officially earned a specific kind of future. A future I expected would begin in short order. I suddenly realized how much joy I’d been missing out on all those years of waiting and expecting. Had I shifted my perception, I suspect my own echo of rings might’ve displayed revelation rather than scorn or distress. This isn’t about being single or not. The truth is, we will all find ourselves alone, despite the details of our lives. What is holding you back from experiencing yourself? Go dancing alone. Go to a movie. Go on an excursion. There will be a period of discomfort first perhaps, while your brain breaks down old beliefs, but then you’ll float to the top again with a kind of freedom you never thought possible. Promise.

Dee Christensen Editor in Chief Image by Jeremy Jaune

I took myself to a concert, I bought myself a ticket to the opera, and I even booked a

“With freedom, books, flowers, and the moon, who could not be happy?” - Oscar Wilde www.recoverywiremagazine.com

TOP10 WAYSTO

PARTY S

Image by Donna Sutton

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TAKE A COMRADE Life doesn’t end in recovery. There will still be cocktail parties, weddings, and other boozeinfested events to attend. One option is to sit on the sidelines and forfeit your social life, but if that sounds like a dreadful idea, here’s a better one. Whether you’re new or seasoned in recovery, if you’re feeling vulnerable about the surrounding landscape, take a comrade. We recovery folk have been making the “plus one” pact for as long as we’ve been a unit. Just ask around, and anyone in recovery will tell you that they’ve taken a fellow recovery mate or been the plus one to at least a few events over the years. Having a likeminded comrade can be just the buffer needed to ease you back in the game. And besides, what’s better than one charming character like ours? Two!

Image by W. Alan Baker

Image by Patrick Randall

HAVE AN EXIT PLAN For many of us, a craving can hit out of nowhere. Just when you think you have a handle on things you hear the tinkle of an ice cube on a snifter and bam! You feel the pinch. So before you head into a potentially slippery situation, have an exit plan. Perhaps it’s a prepared explanation that allows you to sneak out early, unscathed. Perhaps it’s a prearranged commitment to be somewhere else at a specific time until you feel confident to go it alone. Only you know your limits, and it’s better to know where the exit is in case of emergency. It’s one thing to struggle, it’s quite another to struggle and be challenged by a brain that’s too distracted to come up with a reasonable departure plan. Preparation is everything.

SOBER Image Image by by Tambako Ann HungThe Jaguar

TELL ON YOURSELF This is about deflating the ego, which insists we play it cool and convey total confidence despite our festering fears. Whether you share it in a meeting or share it with a sponsor or friend, make sure you tell your truth. If you want to attend parties again, this is an imperative stage. Confessing any fears you might have opens you up to support, and empowerment. Say them out loud:

I’m scared I’ll drink. I’m scared I’ll get high. I’m scared I’ll feel jealous that I can’t drink or get high. I’m scared I’ll be socially awkward and no one will like me this way. There is no truth that we haven’t lived ourselves. Part of our brain wants us to keep these thoughts silent. We convince ourselves that saying it aloud makes it real, but relapse is a much riskier dose of reality. Don’t be a hero, out with it already.

MINUTE MEDITATION You’re at the party. You’re doing well one second, and the next you hit a brick wall. The noise, which is usually diminished by liquid tolerance, is over-stimulating and obnoxious. Suddenly you hear everyone’s conversation at once, you see no end in sight. You want the harmonious sensation you had just a minute ago to return, so you can continue soberly charming the pants off fellow party-goers. Quick! Find a bathroom. That’s right, a bathroom. Get in that stall, close your eyes and do a mini-meditation. Maybe you want to pray to someone, maybe you want to mouth-chant a prepared mantra.Maybe you just need to leave your body for a minute and escape into the cosmos, where the earth is shrunken to the size of a toast crumb. Don’t worry about the line up outside the door, don’t worry about how long you’re taking. Let’s face it, these people should be grateful; you’ve done worse things in bathroom stalls.

Image by ivan

Image by Tambako The Jaguar

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STRENGTHENING YOUR RECOVERY WITH

We know that the hardest part of recovery begins right after your treatment ends. That is why we have created a network of community-based supports and services, to help you build a recovery that is strong enough to last a lifetime. At Hope Place Centres, many of us have ‘been there’ and our own lived-experience makes us great when it comes to knowing what it takes to succeed in early recovery. It makes no difference whether your journey began in one of our treatment programs or someplace else; what really matters is the BIG difference that ‘HOPE’ can make in your recovery today. Reach out and connect with ‘HOPE’ right now by email at info@hopeplacecentres.org or give us a call toll-free at 1.877.761.6357

hopeplacecentres.org ‘Healing Trauma CONNECTIONS (Shame & Resiliency) ‘A Woman’s Way through the 12 Steps’ ‘A Man’s Way through the 12 Steps’ Living Sober

Parenting Basics Sober Moms Women’s Peer-Support Group Men’s Peer-Support Group

Couples and Family Counselling ‘Family & Friends Peer-Support Group’ NADA Auricular (Ear) Acupuncture Yoga

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Making Enlightened Society Possible

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GLASSWARE There is a saying that seems appropriate here: do not poke the bear. What are we talking about? This is about being careful of the glassware you choose; avoid rock glasses, avoid glassware that could be confused with the wrong kind of drink. It seems harmless enough, but it’s a smart habit to get into. One sip from the wrong glass and that, dear friends, is poking the bear. The smartest idea is to order something that comes in it’s own bottle, even water. Bottles have smaller openings, which also reduce the risk of having anyone tamper with your beverage (thus, also poking the bear). You’ll find that most long-term people in recovery, if heading to a nightclub, are already in this habit.

BOUNDARIES It’s a common habit to assume we need to adapt to a drinking environment, rather than insisting that our environment adapt to us. If you’re an addict, you’re probably thinking what most of us once thought, “It’s a party, drinking is the point!” Newsflash: of course that is what you think; you’re an addict. The reality is, parties are social and celebratory occasions, and drinking is simply one of the beverages of choice. Plenty of people don’t partake for a gamut of reasons. How often have people set limits with us at a party and we didn’t give it a moment of thought? There is nothing wrong with being clear about your boundaries. There are a variety of ways to enjoy a party, and your contribution to the atmosphere is just as valuable as anyone’s.

Image by Helen Haden

Image by Beverly

BEWARE OF SUBSTITUTIONS Let’s face it, one of the added perks of active addition was the way it soothed social anxiety. It’s not easy learning to mingle again, and at first it can be downright awkward. If you hit a rough patch, and feel that, “uncomfortable in your skin” sensation bubbling to the surface, breathe through it. This too shall pass. When we panic, we reach for substitutions, and a vice is a vice. So before you become the hoover at the buffet table, embrace your humanness, awkward moments and all!

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Image by ©Pacifist

PRACTICE There is a time and place for philosophies like, “One day at a time” and “Stay Present”. There is also a time and place for looking ahead, anticipating the landscape and being prepared. If you’ve never been to a party sober before, it’s a good idea to practice a few responses to questions that might leave you feeling vulnerable at first. Questions like, “Can I get you a drink?” or “Come on, just do one shot with us!” or “You’re not drinking? Why?” Most people won’t care that you’re not partaking, but here’s a little bulletin you might not yet know: if there’s an addict or alcoholic in the room, chances are good they’ll draw to you like bees to honey. If anyone is going to poke holes in your response, it’ll be a still-sufferer (remember when?). A little practice and a bit of conviction can go a long way. Image by Tambako The Jaguar

EVERY TOOL IS A WEAPON You’re at the party, you thought things were going well. A moment ago you were mingling confidently and then suddenly everyone dispersed at once. You’re alone, not far from a table of party-goers you suspect would’ve been your kind of people at one time. They’re sneaking off into the bathroom for a bump, they’re doing shots of Jägermeister and you’re about to lose your cool. Before you do anything foolish, remember this: When we were in active addiction, we were like Superheroes for the wrong cause. Whatever we wanted, we could get. However impossible it seemed, we could make it happen. However much pain we were in, we could endure it. We were like Pied Pipers, capable of wooing, manipulating and rearranging any situation to supply our own demand. It’s not something to be proud of; it’s simply a truth. So the next time you balk, “I can’t do this! It’s too hard. I don’t have it in me!” remember; every tool is a weapon. Tap into the vast resources and abilities you were gifted with, but this time for the right cause. It’s better to take things in stride and use the direct approach, but if all else fails, use one of your superpowers to get to safety. Image byTambako The Jaguar

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OWN IT Some of us dance around our recovery, we think of clever ways to skirt the issue of being a nondrinker. In our minds it is still an issue, we don’t want to infringe, or ruin anyone else’s fun with our own “issues.” But others in recovery own their status with pride. Why don’t you drink? Because you’re a person in recovery! Who are we dancing for? The people who take issue with non-drinkers? How insane when you think of it. Once we pass into a life of recovery, why not own it? Lay the groundwork; teach your fellow partygoers what it looks like to live in recovery. We laugh, we party, we are leaders and we are active and full of life. Simply admitting we are in recovery does not mean we are promoting it, but it certainly makes for an attractive example to anyone struggling. Image by Evan P. Cordes

Image by Evan P. Cordes

Dianne Piaskoski BComm, BSc, MMath, MA

but’terfly effect` The “butterfly effect”is a term in chaos theory that depicts how one small change (the flap of a butterflies wings) in one place can result in a large and unpredictable change (a hurricane, say) in another place. The same can be true when we make small changes in our lives.

Addictions Counselling (416) 522-9421 dianne@butterfly-effect.ca www. butterfly-effect.ca www.recoverywiremagazine.com

By Darlene Lancer JD, MFT Author of “Codependency for Dummies” and “Conquering Shame and Codependency”

Love, Lust

or Addiction? 14 Lust by Sarah

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Wonder whether you’re in love or in lust? Whether you’re obsession about someone is a sign of love or addiction? Whether you’re staying in a troubled relationship because you’re addicted or in love? It’s complicated, and lust and love and addiction don’t always exclude one another. Endless analyzing doesn’t help or change our feelings, because we’re often driven by forces outside our conscious awareness.

we recognize our separateness and love our mate for who he or she truly is. There’s always some idealization in a new relationship, but true love endures when that fades. As the relationship grows, we develop trust and greater closeness. Instead of trying to change our partner, we accept him or her. We want to share more of our time and life together, including our problems and friends and family. Our lover’s needs, feelings, and happiness become important to us, and we think about planning a future together. When the passion Initial attraction stirs up neurotransmitters and hormones is still there, we’re lucky to have both love and lust. that create the excitement of infatuation and a strong desire to be close and sexual with the person. These chemicals and Love and codependency may coexist or be hard to our emotional and psychological makeup can cause us to differentiate, because codependents idealize and often obfuscate reality and idealize the object of our attraction. happily self-sacrifice for their partner. When differences Time spent in fantasy fuels our craving to be with him or and serious problems are largely ignored, minimized, or her. This is normal when it doesn’t take over our lives. rationalized, it looks more like codependency, because we’re not really seeing or loving the whole person. Facing the truth When it’s purely lust, we’re not too interested in spending would create inner conflict about our fear of emptiness time together without sex or the expectation of it. We don’t and loneliness. Similarly, when our emphasis is on how our want to discuss real life problems and may not even want to partner makes us feel or how he or she feels about us, our spend the night. Fantasies are mostly sexual or about the “love” is based on our self-centered, codependent need. person’s appearance and body, and we aren’t interested in meeting the person’s needs outside the bedroom – or Healthy relationships and codependent, addictive ones maybe even inside! have very different trajectories. Healthy partners don’t “fall in love;” they “grow in love.” They’re not as driven by Sex releases oxytocin, the love chemical that makes us overwhelming, unconscious fears and needs. Compare: want to nest with our partner. As we get to know our lover, we may want to spend more or less time together, depending on what we learn. At this juncture, our brain chemicals as well as our attachment style and psychological issues can lead us to become codependently attached through a romance or love addiction that feels like love, but is more driven by our need for the chemical rush to avoid feelings of abandonment, depression, and low self-esteem.

Codependent Relationships

Excitement and desire may be heightened by intrigue or our partner’s unpredictability or unavailability. We may remain attached and even crave our partner, but our discomfort or unhappiness grows. Instead of focusing on that, our hunger to be with him or her takes center stage, despite the fact that disturbing facts or character traits arise that are hard to ignore. We may feel controlled or neglected, unsafe or disrespected, or discover that our partner is unreliable, or lies, manipulates, rages, has secrets, or has a major problem, such as drug addiction or serious legal or financial troubles. Nonetheless, we stay and don’t heed our better judgment to leave. Increasingly, we hide our worries and doubts and rely on sex, romance, and fantasy to sustain the relationship. Out of sympathy, we might even be drawn to help and “rescue” our partner and/or try to change him or her back into the ideal we “fell” for. These are signs of addiction. But lust can also lead to true love as we become attached to and get to know our sexual partner, and lust doesn’t always fade. I’ve seen couples married for decades who enjoy a vibrant sex life. However, true love does require that

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Intense attraction – feel anxious Idealize each other, ignoring differences Fall “in love” and make commitments Get to know one another Become disappointed Cling to fantasy of love Try to change our partner into our ideal Feel resentful and unloved

Healthy Relationships Attraction and friendship begin – feel comfortable Attraction grows as they know each other Acknowledge differences (or leave) Grow to love each other Make commitments Compromise needs Love and acceptance of each other deepens Feel supported and loved

Codependency is an addiction and underlies all other addictions, including sex addiction, and romance, relationship, and love addiction. Lust and love and love and addiction can overlap. When we heal our codependency, we can see whether love remains. We might even leave an unhealthy relationship and still love our ex. Meanwhile, some things are knowable:

It takes time to love someone. Love at first sight may be triggered by many things, but it’s not love. Having sex with strangers or frequent multiple partners is a sign of sexual addiction.

Healing from codependency and addiction require abstinence and the support of a Twelve Step program and/or psychotherapy. It’s very hard to abstain from compulsive, addictive behavior without support, because the unconscious forces driving us and the pain of abstinence are overwhelming. There is hope and a way out. Recovery includes:

Learn more about the symptoms of codependency Healing the shame and abandonment pain of your childhood Building your self-esteem

Compulsive activity, whether sexual or romantic, that feels out-of-control, such as compulsive sex, stalking, spying, constant calling or texting is a sign of addiction.

Learning to be assertive

Ignoring your partner’s boundaries, and abusing, controlling or manipulating him or her (including people-pleasing or rescuing) are signs of addiction.

Risking being authentic about your feelings and needs

Using sex or a relationship to cope with emptiness, depression, anger, shame, or anxiety is a sign of addiction.

Learning to honor and meet your needs and nurture yourself

To learn more and start healing, do the exercises in my books Codependency for Dummies and Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You and ebooks, 10 Steps to Self-Esteem and How to Speak Your Mind: Become Assertive and Set Limits.

Using sex or romance to substitute for vulnerable, authentic intimacy is a symptom of addiction. Staying in a painful relationship out of fear of abandonment or loneliness is a sign of codependency and addiction, not love. Inability to commit to a relationship or staying involved with someone who is emotionally unavailable shows a fear of intimacy – a symptom of addiction. Trusting too much or too little are signs of addiction. Sacrificing your values or standards to be with someone is a sign of addiction.

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Be sure to check out Darlene Lancerâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s NEW BOOK! This essential guide explores the powerful emotion of shame, what can happen if it is not addressed, and provides practical advice on how to break deep-rooted patterns.

Now available at Amazon!

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By Jeff Wilbee Executive Director of the Canadian Addiction Counsellors Certification Federation Principal of consulting and speaking company: Discovering Recovery Image “Movement” byGeoffrey Fairchild

The Recover Is Anonymity Hinde There is a movement afoot and it is growing in leaps and bounds. That movement is the Recovery Awareness Movement. It was started in the United States when President George W. Bush declared the month of September as Recovery Awareness Month. Faces and Voices of Recovery picked up on that theme and organized a number of events to celebrate and raise the profile of the reality of recovery.

was back then.

Realizing the value of what the movement in the US was attempting to accomplish, I brought the idea to my board of directors of the, then, Addictions Ontario. They bought into it and we started across the province in 2006 with Recovery Breakfasts. The idea was that people in recovery would share their stories over a community meal. The purpose was to encourage those So many times what we hear through the media is on their recovery journey and to send the message out the dark side of addictions and indeed there is a very to the communities the other side of media headlines. dark side. The illegal drug trade is violent, horrendous That first year the numbers were small. That has grown crimes are committed under the influence and the this year and in a couple of cases there were in excess everyday life of families torn apart by substance abuse of five hundred participants sitting down to bacon and and other addictive behaviors. But hold on, there is a eggs and inspiring stories. whole other side to the story. People not only turn their personal lives around they can, and do, provide In 2012 Faces and Voices of Recovery came into yeoman service to society and their fellows. One of the Canada via Vancouver. This group was able to persuade hallmarks of the recovery movement is the genuine the city’s Mayor to declare one of the days Recovery love and compassion for others who have travelled a Awareness Day, and and it was supported with a large similar road. That is what the awareness month is all turnout. This year, fifteen major cities made the same about. declaration. The movement has momentum and we expect that to double to thirty next year. In 2005 I spent a great deal of time in the States as President of an international addictions organization. There are those in the general public who might At one of the conferences a video camera was put in exclaim “Why should I care?” My experience has been front of my face and I was asked to share my recovery that they care very much when it hits close to home story from addiction and mental illness. I agreed. But in their family. They will care as employers when they that night I did not sleep very well questioning myself realize that they have a responsibility to assist the what have I done? What about anonymity, even though, people who work for them. For our politicians, at all I did not identify myself as a member of any particular levels, they need to know that there is a solution to one group? I am pleased to say that I am now far more of society’s greatest health problems. We can attest comfortable in publically disclosing my journey than I that recovery is not just about being clean and sober

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ryeringMovement our Progress? it is about living productive lives, taking our rightful spots in society. When I was a small boy my mother use to sing a song that had the lines “every cloud has a silver lining”. It was a song of encouragement during the Second World War bombing of London, England where I was born. That message has certainly been true for me and countless others in recovery from addictions. In my case I have come back from drinking my family and career away ending up on locked psychiatric wards and told I had only months to live if I didn’t stop drinking and drugging. There are a myriad of other victory stories that were shared in September during Recovery Awareness Month. We have stepped from the storm and darkness of our disease into the light of recovery. We no longer live in shame. The thing is, recovery is possible because we help each other on our path to that joyous and free life. I have received that help and have tried to give back wherever and whenever I could. I have experienced a life I never thought possible when I was in the darkness of my disease. For that ,I will be eternally grateful. So, my mother’s little ditty has run true for me. There is a silver lining. The symbol for recovery awareness is a silver ribbon worn on one’s lapel, worn not only by the recovering person but also by the families and friends for they too have walked both sides of the road, the rough and the smooth. I would hope that everyone would grow to appreciate what I know to be heroic lives lived. Because it does take courage to come back.

By Kimberley-Robyn Covey Image by .estelle f.

TheLOWsideof aHIGH Bottom

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In the addiction world, some of the saddest stories are those of high bottom addicts and alcoholics. Successful friends, coworkers and much loved celebrities who are looked up to and envied for their beautiful homes, financial security and flourishing careers completely shock us when they crash and burn from drug/ alcohol abuse , gambling, or any other addictive behaviour. The truth, however, is that high bottom addicts have a triple whammy to contend with in coming to terms with their addiction. First of all, they have the issue of trying to self-diagnose and identify as an addict/ alcoholic, which is, of course, the first and most important step in recovery. Secondly, in their search for support, they must identify themselves as addicts among a group that can sometimes unwittingly hold up their hard luck stories of desperation as a measure of their addiction. Thirdly, especially in the case of celebrities and high profile moguls who have been completely focused on hiding their problems and maintaining their image, the resulting shame plus the shock waves that can result from admitting to being addicted can be a very hard pill to swallow (forgive the pun).

author of Understanding the High-Functioning Alcoholic (HFA), “High functioning addicts use their external successes to deny that they may be alcoholic (or addict). In the mind of HFAs and others, real alcoholics are unemployed, have poor work performance, poor academic records and are typically homeless. This stereotyping allows them and their loved ones to deny their alcoholism and feel that they ‘are better’ than an alcoholic.“ On one recovery blog called “taking over my brain,” a female self-identified high bottom alcoholic describes the level of her denial by stating that her alcoholic mind easily picked out the things that other alcoholics did that she didn’t do… thereby justifying that she was not an alcoholic. For example, she wasn’t alcoholic because she never drove drunk. She just hosted a lot of parties at her home, plus her husband, a “normie” always acted as her designated driver if she had to go out.

She also figured that she wasn’t alcoholic because although she routinely suffered “grey outs” (where she could remember an incident only if she were reminded), she never suffered an actual black out. Her friends and family never gave her an indication that they may have thought she needed to stop or slow down…but that was because they didn’t know the What makes it difficult for a high bottom addict to extent of her drinking. She surrounded herself with recognize his or her plight? For starters, there often friends who drank everyday just like her. Because have been no negative consequences as a direct result there were no issues with money, there was never of using. The high bottom or high functioning addict any questionable behaviour around getting more. She has been able to maintain a job or career. They’ve was popular and had widespread support from her not lost their roof. They’ve kept up in school, they’ve counterparts. All this added up in her mind to convince maintained relationships. In the case of celebrities her that there was no way that she had a drinking or successful business people, they often have problem. sufficient resources to pay for reliable childcare so the kids are always well cared for, and they are able to hire managers and accountants so that financial obligations are always met. Further, they usually have a contingent of people around them who continually praise them and enable their behaviors. Admitting There is a myth within the recovery community that defeat or weakness is simply not part of the equation. just because a person hasn’t lost everything, he or she Everything looks great on the outside… while they are might not be a real addict or alcoholic. Because some slowly dying on the inside. of our brothers and sisters from more privileged walks

Self diagnosis and denial: Is there a problem?

Reaching out: A discouraging experience for high bottoms

Often, as in the case of Robin Williams or Phillip Seymour Hoffman, we find out all too late that these beloved icons were terribly depressed and had been struggling with addiction in silence for years. According to Sarah Allen Benton, M.S., L.M.H.C,

of life may not have experienced the loss of home or career, they are often not considered to be of the “hopeless variety”. We tend to brush off these folks as simply being “high bottom” and not as seriously addicted as the rest of us. We dismiss people because of how their outward situation appears and as a result, we end up doing them a grave disservice.

One of the most common characteristics of addiction/alcoholism is always feeling “different” than everyone else. When high bottoms bravely venture into our midst seeking help and encounter a judgmental and dismissive attitude, it actually contributes to that inherent sense of “not belonging.” Many socially privileged addicts already have difficulty accepting their addiction because they simply can’t relate to the standard addict war story of homelessness and despair, but then when we, as fellows in recovery, minimize a person’s level of addiction because they live in a nice home or still operate a business, we have become part of the problem. Our typical addict thinking, traditionally based in low self esteem (and usually characterized by a massively large and sick ego), rears its ugly head and in our infinite wisdom, we routinely assess and label others from more privileged walks of life as not being ‘one of us’. We listen in judgement and because their stories are not ‘as bad’ as ours we barely acknowledge them. After all, they never sold their grandma for a bottle or stole the baby’s piggy bank for a fix, right? In my own early program years when I was fresh off the streets, I remember listening to the story of a “white picket fence” housewife hitting her rock bottom when her stash of empty wine bottles, hidden behind the washing machine, was accidentally discovered by her family during the delivery of a new Whirlpool front loader. “Wow,” I whispered to another equally critical newcomer beside me, “A Whirlpool front loader eh?” “Yeah, what’s she doing here?” came my pal’s muttered reply, “She’s got a charmed life, what is her problem?” At that time, I did not appreciate the courage it took for her to tell that story. Let’s face it, it’s pretty easy for someone like me to identify as an addict as I’m crawling out of a ditch, smelly and forlorn, but what about those who are perceived as having it all together? How challenging (and humbling) is it for a celebrity or a Fortune 500 CEO or a “white picket fence housewife” to reach out for help ...when the rest of the world thinks they have it all together. And how very unfortunate that within our ranks, we have been known to discourage brave high bottoms from doing just that.

Shame & Shock Waves The feelings of shame attached to addiction are

crippling for most of us, but for an addict who has been successful in every other aspect of his life and who is looked up to by many, the idea of admitting defeat can be extremely humiliating and absolutely paralyzing. In some instances the fear of negative repercussions to a career, loss of popularity and the potential shock wave of disbelief among family and friends fuel the addict’s deep denial and isolation. As an alternative to admitting the truth, they may pretend that they are justified in continuing to use or drink as a reward for their hard work and success. In quiet desperation they often resort to managing their disease secretly, becoming adept at living a double life. Their denial may be further compounded by family and friends who fail to recognize or confront the issue and who encourage these high functioning addicts by saying things like, “they’ve never seen their loved one out of control,” or “they handle their liquor well.” To the outside world they appear to have it all, meanwhile, inside, they are plagued by uncontrollable cravings and obsessive thoughts about the next hit or drink. Benton warns us, “High functioning alcoholics have the same disease of alcoholism (addiction), a disease that is lifelong, chronic, progressive, and potentially fatal. While HFAs may be succeeding professionally or academically, they may be engaging in dangerous behaviours such as drinking and driving, having risky sexual encounters, blacking out, etc. Although they may have been able to avoid serious trouble professionally or personally to a certain point, it is only a matter of time before alcoholism will lead to problems. HFAs put their own health at risk through their alcoholic drinking/using and put the emotional health of their family at risk because they are not seeking help.”

Signs & Symptoms Despite being masters of disguise, even the most functional addicts eventually show signs of wear and tear. Often it comes in the form of subtle behavior changes that are not “the norm” such as skipping favoured social events, having sudden bouts of irritability, and being constantly late and forgetful. Perhaps the addict is becoming unreliable and inconsistent at work and starts failing to show up at family functions. Physically, the signs of extended drug use or addictive behavior may manifest as lack of

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appetite, paranoia, insomnia, or exhaustion. Another symptom of a HFA according to specialists at addiction-intervention.com, is experiencing extreme shame over drunken or high behavior. Because the high bottom addict has worked so hard to carefully conceal their addiction, they feel intense remorse when their actions have become sloppy. Hiding and sneaking become a way of life, secrecy becomes a survival skill. So what is hitting bottom for a “high bottom’” addict? Most self described high functioning addicts describe their bottom as being very emotional and spiritually dark. According to Dr Benton, for many, numerous failed attempts at quitting lead them to eventually admit that they need help. For others who are accustomed to success, it may be a slide into lower grades, lack of productivity, or an inability to focus on work that finally triggers their cry for help. Sometimes the threat of losing their job or position can bring HFAs to their bottom. Whatever the motivating factor, the good news is that it may be the springboard to entering recovery. Some HFAs experience a complete inability to connect with other humans, a loneliness beyond words. The fact that someone in this situation may finally have summoned the courage or the desperation to reach out for help makes it doubly tragic when we scoff at their identification as addicts. The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, right after the often-quoted passage concerning “pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization” states: “Despite all we can say, many who are real alcoholics are not going to believe that they are in that class. By every form of self-deception and experimentation, they will try to prove themselves exceptions to the rule, therefore non-alcoholic.” High-bottom addicts and alcoholics face enough circumstantial and selfimposed barriers to getting the help they need. It is time that we all – high bottom or low - woke up to the simple truth that addiction and success or privilege are not mutually exclusive of each other. Only with that honest appraisal can we begin to offer our high-bottom brothers and sisters the support, acceptance, and warmth they need to succeed.

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By Dr. Vera Tarman M.D. The following is an excerpt from Dr. Tarman’s upcoming book: The Truth About Food Addiction: Food Junkies Image by Danielle Helm

The

ood ight

For many years, I believed I was bulimic. The psychiatrist who examined me at the beginning of my troubles tried to capture it all: my disabling obsession around food that started from the time I woke up and dogged me until I passed out, my marathon eating (especially at night) that never ceased to amaze even me, and the mortifying purges that followed like a cloying stench after each binge. “Eating Disorder, bulimic subtype”, she reported clinically in her chart, using the terminology available to physicians in the 1970s. Food addiction did not even come up in her radar, though I described how I felt as out of control with food as I had with drugs and alcohol. No, I reconsidered, the food habit was worse. Much worse.

there such a thing as a normal eater who just ate too much? Doctors, therapists, and dieticians who worked with people struggling with their eating issues sided with the belief that deep social-psychological traumas led people to develop an emotional dependency on food. When confronted with the proposition that food could have a powerful chemical lure, clinicians argued that food addiction was “without convincing empirical support” and turned instead to the research on eating disorders to probe the dimensions and treatment of their obese patients. That attitude started in the 1970s and has carried through to the present. There are no eating disorder programs that treat food as if it were a drug as powerful as cocaine or alcohol.

The 1990s was the decade of the food fights. Right from the beginning, professionals found it difficult to come to Yet as early as 1960, Overeaters Anonymous produced a consensual understanding of the underlying dynamic evidence that a 12-Step program that dealt with food as associated with chronic obesity and overeating. Was it the an addiction, similar to alcohol, drugs or gambling, could result of an eating disorder or an addiction to food? Was help compulsive eaters. By identifying the behavior as

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Eating Disorder or Food Addiction? addictive, getting support from others, and especially when recommending abstinence from certain foods (as if food were a drug like any other), people got better. They believed that overeating was the result of a neurochemical disease.

Eating Disorder Professionals, panels of experts debated the topic: “Is There Food Addiction? Pro or Con?” True believers debated the issue at length, with neither side successful at convincing their opponents.

We even found a similar debate within Overeaters Anonymous. A central theme of each OA World Service Business Conference for more than a decade has been whether compulsive overeating is the result of psychosocial-emotional disturbance that has lead to an addiction to eating behaviour or due to the chemical nature of particular foods, rather than the actual disordered eating. As the fellowship’s founder, Rozanne S., describes in her history, Beyond Our Wildest Dreams: A History of Overeaters Anonymous As Seen By a Cofounder, a strong So a disagreement had developed through time: was faction of members saw compulsive overeating as the abnormal eating the result of an addiction, an eating result of psychosocial problems; they believed that the disorder or just plain gluttony? For decades, at the central platform of the 12-step program was to redress the annual conference of the International Association of emotional problems that were fueling the need to overeat. Joining this camp were the self-declared food addicts who passionately disagreed with the established medical paradigm that disordered eating was caused by poor willpower or deep-seated problems. Noted spokespeople, such as Kay Sheppard, Anne Katharine and Joan Ifland, wrote self-help books that made the case that people who could neither diet successfully nor control their eating were actually addicted to food.

Another group within OA, many of whom were recovered alcoholics from AA, viewed the root of compulsive overeating as a simple physical craving for food. They maintained that a chemical dependency could occur with food, just as it did with alcohol or other drugs. They felt that complete abstinence from addictive foods was the first priority – and if abstinence was accomplished, the overeating would stop. The 12 Steps would create the “psychic change” in one’s personality that was necessary to ensure long-term recovery but abstinence got the recovery process started in the first place.

at taming their overeating were following an abstinencebased food plan. These members were also more likely to report that they had never or rarely relapsed. Among a smaller sample of 30 stable OA members (defined as those with five to twenty years of recovery and weight loss), 91% reported abstaining from sugar, 67% weighed and measured their food and 74% had eliminated flour, wheat or all grains.

Small wonder that concept of food as an addiction persists as a controversial issue. What seems intuitively obvious at the outset has baffled both clinicians and fellow Those who claim recovery without abstaining from their sufferers when they have tried to nail it down to help each trigger food, this second group claimed, are in denial about other. What is this primitive urge to overeat, and how to the true nature of their disease. Meanwhile, the psycho- harness its voracious lure? I soon came to realize that I had social-emotional group contended that too much focus on to find what worked best for me, regardless of what others physical abstinence turned the OA program into a mere postulated: abstinence of sugar, wheat, flours. These are diet. the drugs that derail my better nature. Looking at these historical controversies within the We are at the frontier of this last most insidious addiction, mutual support fellowships and amongst professionals, we still grasping in the dark for a solution that will work for can now see that they were probably both right. They were everyone. But at least, at last, we are no longer alone. behaving similarly to the blind men attempting to describe an elephant. One man feels the trunk and believes the elephant is snake-like; another feels the leg and imagines the elephant to be as big as a tree. After running into the sleeping elephant’s large body, the third claims the creature is actually some type of large rock. Each bases his conclusion on only part of the whole. How does this analogy work here? Those OA members who were helped by therapists or the 12 step program to resolve underlying trauma tended to see everyone as having similar emotional problems. After all, a survey of OA members showed that over 80 percent of the members report prior psychic, emotional or sexual abuse, or some combination of the three. Those people, who found that working a therapeutic12 step approach did not help their compulsive eating, found themselves criticized for not having yet resolved their core issues. Those in the food-as-chemical group who found recovery (by completely eliminating sugar or wheat or other trigger foods) alternatively assumed that the fat members who were claiming to be “in recovery” were actually expressing the denial so typical of addicts. They were not seeking food sobriety so much as ‘fat serenity’. They did not believe that it was possible to treat overeating with an “insideout” approach of addressing internal issues and only then becoming abstinent from trigger foods. Instead, they argued, an “outside-in” approach was necessary, where people had to become abstinent first and then address internal issues to maintain food sobriety and serenity. And they pointed to themselves as examples: one study of 162 OA members found that those with the most success

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FOOD JUNKIES:

The Truth About Food Addiction By Vera Tarman with Philip Werdell Overeating, binge eating, obesity, anorexia, and bulimia: Food Junkies tackles the complex, poorly understood issue of food addiction from the perspectives of a medical researcher and dozens of survivors. What exactly is food addiction? Is it possible to draw a hard line between indulging cravings for “comfort food” and engaging in substance abuse? For people struggling with food addictions, recognizing their condition - to say nothing of gaining support and advice - remains a frustrating battle. Built around the experiences of people suffering and recovering from food addictions, Food Junkies offers practical information grounded in medical science, while putting a face to the problems of food addiction. It is meant to be a knowledgeable and friendly guide on the road to food serenity.

Available at Chapters/Indigo on November 29, 2014 | Trade Paperback

Attend Dr. Tarman’s

BOOK LAUNCH

FOOD JUNKIES Saturday, November 22 Toronto, Ontario 2 - 4 pm

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By Dee Christensen SSW Founder and Editor in Chief of Recovery Wire Magazine Image by Charlotte Astrid

Vending Machine

DYSMORPHIA I was spring-cleaning one weekend, sorting through boxes of old articles, photo albums, and mementos. I picked up a photograph that had fallen out of a keepsake, and when I turned it over it gave me pause. It was an image of me, in my early twenties. I was gaunt thin, my skin paled and porcelain. My hair was thick and dark and lovely. And what struck me was the memory of that time; I recall how devastating I found passing reflections. I recall how traumatic I found shopping; the overhead lighting, the random size differences, the tugging and pulling in the wrong areas (a reflection of the make rather than the body), the impact was catastrophic. I recall the night of my 25th birthday having to be consoled from the floor of my walk-in closet, convinced nothing fit. Certain I was a whale. But here I was, nearly fifteen years later, peering at that image and stumped. How could I not see then what was so obvious to me now? Because, I was unknowingly suffering the sting of body dysmorphia: a preoccupation

with imagined physical defects. Body Dysmorphic Disorder is becoming a serious issue in North America. What used to be a plague targeting mostly adults is now a fast growing sepsis imprinting our youth. There are specific symptoms of Body Dysmorphia, most commonly including: Constantly looking in the mirror, obsessing over an alleged defect.

Partaking in endless repetitive covering up or hiding the defect.

behaviors:

A degree of self-consciousness that results in isolating, or causing anxiety when in public.

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A person living with Body Dysmorphia will constantly ask for reassurance over the visibility or obviousness of their perceived defect(s). At an extreme, the obsession will impact relationships, and other commitments due to an inability to cease focus on ones imperfection(s).

it is the current defense asset budget for the whole of Australia. In fact, 12 Billion dollars is enough to provide anti-viral HIV medication to every single status-positive citizen in the whole of Africa for more than a year. And yet, in the US that is the sum shelled out on nose jobs and ass-implants over three hundred and some days. A figure that increased a staggering amount from the year before, and has increased even more in 2014. The only procedures on the decline are ones that have been replaced with more effective ones.

“Repeatedly consulting with medical specialists, such as plastic surgeons or Body Dysmorphic Disorder isn’t just a mental illness, dermatologists, to find ways to improve his this is a major capital industry: a weakness that, one or her appearance.” (WebMD, 2014) could argue, has become financially worth taking advantage of. This is a defect being exploited to a sum high enough to defend a nation, or grant an entire People suffering the effects of this illness are generally continent an additional year-plus of life. What was fixated on specific regions of the body. The most once a very sad habit effecting a tiny population is now common areas include the hair (too much, too little, an ailment effecting more than one in one hundred on the body, on the head), skin imperfections, weight people: this is a scab being picked at by leaders of a concerns and facial landscape (concerns with the booming trade. Don’t get me wrong; this isn’t a matter silhouette, the size or shape of certain features). This of solely blaming the aesthetic surgery community. fixation lends itself to the startling figures spent on Plastic surgery has been around since about the 6th cosmetic repair. In the United States alone as of 2013, century, it’s just never been utilized to this magnitude according to the American Society for Aesthetic Plastic before. Indeed, like any industry, they’ve achieved an Surgery: effective strategy for targeting new clients. That’s their job. We’re all inundated with before and after photos: ads streaming along the left-panel of every other website, on subways, billboards, on television, and in magazines. But if I had to choose, this is not where I’d place the greatest blame. What’s causing this fixation on imperfection in the first place?

The top five nonsurgical procedures were: Botulinum Toxin (3,766,148 procedures, up 15.6%) Hyaluronic Acid (1,872,172 procedures, up 31.5%) Hair Removal (901,571 procedures, up 2%) Microdermabrasion (479,865 procedures, down 3.8%) Photo Rejuvenation (456,613 procedures, up 35.3%)

Quite recently I made a decision to have my cable cut off. I decided I wanted to read more; I wanted to become more cultured. After about three weeks I updated my Netflicks account. One Sunday afternoon it was raining, and for whatever reason I randomly selected a series on a BBC (British Broadcasting Corporation). What happened after that surprised me. I was sure I wouldn’t be into the program at first, which was filled with regular looking blokes. I gave it a few minutes, convinced I’d switch it to something a little sexier. I’m used to watching North American television, steeped in flawless creatures, who also graced the cover of every In 2013, 12 Billion dollars was spent on cosmetic magazine I pass at my local supermarket. procedures in the United States. To give you an idea of what 12 billion dollars could pay for in today’s economy, But to my surprise, halfway through the first episode in

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this random program, I was crying. I have never cried at a television show in my life, but it occurred to me then: these people were acting. I mean really acting. I became obsessed with BBC programs after that. These casting directors were truly searching for talent, never mind the perfect cookie-cutter image trending on television sets in North America, India, China, Brazil, Greece, Italy. Unlike anything I’d seen in ages, these characters were all colours, short and tall, round and slender, and they had adorable imperfections the way we humans do: overbites, under-bites, bald patches and all! And what they had in spades was talent; they’d chosen to be entertainers, and that’s what they were. I hadn’t seen this kind of acting on television in as long as I can remember. It was revolutionary. I started wondering if this might impact body image in the UK: would emulating regular looking “talent “change the way people see themselves?

insidious visual mold. This mold, which is warping young self-esteem and resulting in distorted notions of what we should look like. People living with this type of dysmorphia are caught in an endless cycle of locating new imperfections, and as long as we live in a culture of allowing unrealistic forms of beauty to entertain us, we continue setting a standard no one can meet. We wake in a deficit, all of us. We are selling dysmorphia like a vending machine sells potato chips.

I once met a famous photographer who spent the bulk of his career shooting airbrushed high-fashion images for couture lines and elite magazines. Upon reaching his golden years, he one day refused to ever airbrush again. He started to take photographs the way he had as an apprentice, using sunlight as his guide. Letting laughlines embellish a smile, wrinkles, and imperfections tell Of the top ranking plastic surgery hubs in the world, a story. He went back to the beginning of his craft, when the UK is not among them, (North America, India, an image of someone was intended to capture who they China, Brazil, Greece, and Italy however are). In fact, really are, rather than a version even they themselves in 2012 the US spent almost 10 billion dollars more on cannot imitate. plastic surgery than Britain, and according to research statistics Britain’s estimated rates of Body Dysmorphia Works Cited are half that of the US. We are choking on a myth that WebMD. (2014). Mental Health Center. Body Dysmorphic Disorder . (W. LLC, Ed.) Retrieved 10 2014, from WebMD: http://www.webmd.com/ needs desperately to be dispelled: we believe that what mental-health/mental-health-body-dysmorphic-disorder people want to see is flawless beauty at all times. We American Society for Aesthetic Plastic Surgery. (2014). The American have started to believe that no one wants to see ordinary Society for Aesthetic Plastic Surgery Reports Americans Spent people anymore. We are promoting this every time we Largest Amount on Cosmetic Surgery Since The Great Recession of consume a product derived from this system. And yet, 2008. American Society for Aesthetic Plastic Surgery, Statistics, those of us in my age group (and beyond) remember a Surveys & Trends. Obsessive Compulsive Center of Los Angeles. (2014). Retrieved from time when actors and musicians were touted for their OCD Center of LA: http://www.ocdla.com talents, and not the degree to which they fit inside this

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Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD) Test

I am often anxious or depressed thinking about GNIT17. SAperceived CDAflaw. ORB YREVOCER TLHK my

MOC.OIDAR21EKAT 1. I excessively worry about my physical appearance.

2. I often check my appearance in mirrors or other reflecting objects (i.e., windows, car bumpers, spoons, etc). 3. I frequently avoid mirrors and other reflecting objects.

18. I am often late for activities due to performing behaviors related to my perceived flaw. 19. I often believe others notice my perceived flaw and/or are thinking negative thoughts about my perceived flaw.

cisuM evitisoP & klaT yrevoceR 4. I excessively perform basic grooming activities (i.e., washing skin, combing hair, brushing teeth) related to my perceived flaw.

5. I often use make-up or clothing (i.e., hats, scarves, long sleeve shirts, long pants, etc.) to camouflage my perceived flaw. 6. I frequently attempt to hide my perceived flaw by using my hands, by sitting in certain positions, or by staying in places where I believe the flaw will be less noticeable by others (i.e., a dark corner in a theatre or restaurant).

7. I regularly scrutinize others’ appearance for comparison.

20. I am significantly distressed about my perceived flaw.

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21. I often believe others are commenting on my perceived flaw.

discussing

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22. My concerns about my perceived flaw are interfering with my relationships and/or with my academic or professional functioning. 23. I spend hours per day doing behaviors specifically related to my perceived flaw. 24. I worry most about the following parts of my body: Works Cited: (Obsessive Compulsive Center of Los Angeles, 2014)

8. I sometimes discuss my perceived flaw with others, or ask others to verify my perceived flaw. 9. I often seek reassurance from others about the appearance of my perceived flaw. 10. I often touch, pick, and/or measure my perceived flaw. 11. I diet and/or eat only specific foods related to my perceived flaw. 12. I excessively exercise and/or lift weights in an effort to alter my perceived flaw.

13. I avoid certain places and/or activities (i.e., parties, dating, swimming, restaurants, theatres, etc.) because I don’t want others to see my perceived flaw.

Understanding Addiction, Food Addiction, Obesity and Eating Disorcers

14. I have undergone cosmetic procedures to correct my perceived flaw (i.e., plastic surgery, hair replacement, skin bleaching, etc.).

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15. I am dissatisfied with the outcome of these cosmetic procedures.

The Addictions Unplugged website serves as a portal and discussion forum for medical professionals, front-line addiction workers and those affected by addiction to reach out to Dr. Tarman and find out the latest information on treatment.

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16. I am planning or hoping to have cosmetic procedures to alter my perceived flaw in the future

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