Issue 12 by Recovery Wire

September October 2014

Quit Smoking Addiction: in Rehab? EqualOpportunity

BUTT OUT!!

Should we give it all up at once, or just one thing at a time?

Web of BUYS Online shopping addiction, when to be concerned.

Destroyer?

A look at the poverty/ addiction intersection: is it a poor personâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s issue?

ToxicFamily HANGOVER How much has your family been impacted?

Howto spot MANIPULATION Understanding and protecting yourself from manipulation

Top 10

GENIUS

Addicts

LETTER FROM THE EDITOR Are you an advice giver? Have you ever questioned your motives in doling out all that free input? Did anyone even ask you?

TOP 10 GENIUS ADDICTS For anyone who sees an addiction as a curse, here is a list of brilliant people in history who changed the world, perhaps using the very same tools that made them dangerous? It’s not an easy balancing act, but if you can manage it, the possibilities are endless!

HOW TO SPOT MANIPULATION Darlene Lancer, author of “Conquering Shame and Codependency” helps us spot manipulation and gives us the tools to outsmart it. Does someone in your life use manipulation as a tactic? Is it possibly you, and you didn’t even know it?

TOXIC FAMILY HANGOVER For every toxic family there is a set of fundamental truths and classifications, did you know that? Can you spot your family in this system? And if so, now what?

ADDICTION: EQUAL OPPORTUNITY DESTROYER? Is FAD indeed a fad, or is Facebook Addiction Disorder something to be concerned about? We go indepth and examine the whole story.

QUIT SMOKING IN REHAB? BUTT OUT! The message has always been, “One thing at a time!” But is it the right message to be sending? Should we be giving all of our vices up at once? Are we putting ourselves at risk by choosing to quit smoking at a later date?

WEB OF BUYS: ADDICTED TO ONLINE SHOPPING Terrence Shulman of the Shulman Institute gives us a comprehensive look at a new danger in our midst: online shopping. How do you know if you are addicted to online shopping?

STRENGTHENING YOUR RECOVERY WITH

We know that the hardest part of recovery begins right after your treatment ends. That is why we have created a network of community-based supports and services, to help you build a recovery that is strong enough to last a lifetime. At Hope Place Centres, many of us have ‘been there’ and our own lived-experience makes us great when it comes to knowing what it takes to succeed in early recovery. It makes no difference whether your journey began in one of our treatment programs or someplace else; what really matters is the BIG difference that ‘HOPE’ can make in your recovery today. Reach out and connect with ‘HOPE’ right now by email at info@hopeplacecentres.org or give us a call toll-free at 1.877.761.6357

hopeplacecentres.org ‘Healing Trauma CONNECTIONS (Shame & Resiliency) ‘A Woman’s Way through the 12 Steps’ ‘A Man’s Way through the 12 Steps’ Living Sober

Parenting Basics Sober Moms Women’s Peer-Support Group Men’s Peer-Support Group

Couples and Family Counselling ‘Family & Friends Peer-Support Group’ NADA Auricular (Ear) Acupuncture Yoga

www.recoverywiremagazine.com

Image by Bex Ross

LETTER FROM THE EDITOR Issue 12, September/October 2014 Editor In Chief Dee Christensen dee@recoverywiremagazine.com Contributing Writers Darlene Lancer JD, MFT Kimberly-Robyn Covey Dr. Vera Tarman M.D. Terrence Shulman JD,LMSW,ACSW,CAADC,CPC Cover Illustrations Tiero Veer Published 6 Times Yearly: January/February, March/April, May/June, July/August, September/October, November/December Mailing Address 360A Bloor Street West P.O. Box 68506 Walmer Toronto, ON M5S 3C9 1.416.922.9227 Reprints For permission to print any portion of this magazine requests should be sent to: info@recoverywiremagazine.com

I am about to give you some advice, so here it is: STOP GIVING OUT ADVICE! Recently I met someone I quite enjoyed talking to. For a brief moment I thought, “I could be friends with you.” And just then, I shared something with her and she took the liberty of doling out free advice, a quality I find incredibly annoying. It’s likely as you read this, you’re thinking of the people in your life who do this, and not aware of the fact that you yourself, are one of them. You hear a “self shaming” comment, and you correct it, generous spiritual giant that you are. You see someone heading down “the wrong path” and you deem yourself the bearer of good direction. A hero indeed. This is one of the things I like least about twelve-steppers. We find some contentment in the rooms and garner a bit of clean time and suddenly we deem ourselves worthy of doling out unrequested input. We’re enlightening people, we’re helping them. We have the answers and now that we’re presentable it’s our turn to share them. Little do we realize, it’s the very opposite of what makes our community successful.

In the beginning, what changed our fate was one simple act of selfpreservation. A drunk, who wanted to stay sober, shared himself with another drunk. In fact, at first, Drunk Number-Two balked, not wanting to be rescued or preached at. Not wanting yet another speech or more brilliant advice. But Drunk NumberOne insisted, he had no advice to dole, he was simply sharing himself with someone else just like him, because something magical happened when he did: he stayed sober that day. That was an enchanted moment for us. A brilliant and simple philosophy: one sided sharing, offering a natural attraction, rather than more mindnumbing promotion. This is the very thing that makes us want to sit in that circle: whether we agree or not, whether we’re joiners or not, whether we like each other or not, whether we evolve or not, whether we use the rooms as a catalyst for greater achievement or hide out in them, whether I am where you are, or further ahead, or further behind. We take what we need from whatever is being said, and leave the rest. It’s our choice, and no one is an authority in the matter. And we support those still struggling by sharing our experience and letting them decide for themselves, and in doing so, we stay sober. The rest is up to the Universe, as if this plan had been devised by nature itself: we survive by feeding on the ebb and flow of whatever is presented.

meeting that we’re all the same; we’re all “One drink away from a drunk”? How often in a relationship do you unknowingly elevate yourself, by instructing your listener in some way or another? Despite the fact that the very nature of our recovery is based on sharing our experience and allowing, whoever is listening, to listen or ignore it? The danger in doling out advice is that we are all so very different. None of us can know exactly what each other’s circumstances are. I recall a time in my sobriety when I was struggling, and I was given mountains of advice the moment each meeting broke. Most of the advice was the usual mouthservice: “You need to go to more meetings” “You need to do your steps again” “You need to do more service work” “You need to work with sponsees” “You need to work with a sponsor” “You need to stop thinking about yourself” “You need to start thinking about others” “You need to meditate more” “You need to pray more” The list went on and on. In retrospect, I hope doling out this input made them feel

It seems strange then, to no sooner break the circle and dole out advice in our respective lives. How many times a day do you share your brilliant input, despite not recognizing that nobody asked you for it? Do you assume your advice is wanted? Have you deemed yourself an authority, only moments after assuring the listeners in a

better because it certainly did nothing to help me. I’m not special, but as I reflect back on that time in my life, I was in fact working a stellar program. I was simply going through a difficult process: my own process. I was questioning my job, my sexuality, my future and my very identity. These changes brought a deep depression, insomnia, elevated an eating disorder and caused me to feel terribly alone. I was doing all I could do through the process, I simply had to experience it. It was a dangerous and lonely period, and I felt less alone in the meeting itself and then isolated again the moment it broke. All that advice accomplished was to lead me further into seclusion. It was as if they were telling me, “If only you do enough, this feeling will fade.” But I’ve learned that I must be cautious about lumping every experience into the same pile, or offering blanket advice; this is a grave and self-absorbed path. I told the advice-givers that I was doing what they suggested, and most offered me a oneliner about “Life on Life’s Terms” or “Self Will Run Riot” or some other chewable morsel meant to alter my circumstances.

So I continued to question my effort level, and I tried more, I worked harder, and the darkness deepened. During that experience, here and there, a light would appear. Someone would pause and listen. They would allow me to be where I was, and simply process it. They did not offer input, unless I asked, and when I did, they shared a similar experience. It was those people I clung to: the ones whose agenda was not to have the answer, but to simply connect: to have a human moment with me. It was through this experience that I decided the kind of person I wanted to be. I wanted to learn to be still, and allow the Universe to lead, come what may. I didn’t want to be the sort of person who took the microphone and deemed myself a pious translator. Today, now and then when I falter, I’m committed to being brave enough to ask myself: why do I advise? What am I gaining from it? What is my motive? For me, this is an imperative step toward spiritual health. Doling advice is a sign of spiritual malady. The most spiritual beings I’ve encountered do not deem themselves an authority: quite the contrary. They make those around them embrace their delicious humanness and feel even more connected, even less alone than before. Spiritual beings do not make us feel like we’re lucky to finally be walking on the right path; they instead leave us convinced we are enough, just as we are. What kind of being are you? Is it time to assess your spiritual health? How much is your own advice really worth?

Dee Christensen Editor in Chief Image by Jack DaRos

www.recoverywiremagazine.com

TOP 10

GENIUS ADDICTS

Sigmund Freud was born in May of 1856 in what is now known as the Czech Republic. He attended the University of Vienna, where he studied medicine and would later be appointed Professor of Neuropathy. He is known today as the founder of psychoanalysis. In his time he was a rebel of sorts, giving way to new theories derived from dream interpretation and hypnosis. His most well known body of work was “The Ego and the Id.” This work suggested that our personalities are broken down into three machines, each offering duelling objectives which help to explain the very complicated forces of the human character.

Image by Carla216

We addicts have a tendency to assume that our predisposition is a curse of sorts, but is it simply by chance that some of the most profound minds in history were afflicted just the same? A propensity toward addiction gives way to a gamut of traits: a kind of focus, tenacity, determination, creativity, relentlessness and sensitivity that makes us capable of enchanted gifts. Here is a little taste of your roots, build upon them as your talents see fit.

I have absolutely no pleasure in the stimulants in which I sometimes so madly indulge. It has not been in the pursuit of pleasure that I have periled life and reputation and reason. It has been the desperate attempt to escape from torturing memories, from a sense of insupportable loneliness and a dread of some strange impending doom. Edgar Allan Poe An American poet and author, Edgar Allan Poe was a literary genius despite having a troubled existence. Born in Boston in 1809, Poe met extensive hardship throughout his life, and started drinking heavily by his late teens. His writing career would officially begin in New York City after winning a contest for a story he entitled, “The Manuscript found in a Bottle.” He would go on to write some of the most poignant short stores in literary history, but despite having tremendous talent, he would struggle with alcoholism, employment, and recurring bouts of poverty throughout his life. He would leave New York in 1849 in an effort to quit drinking. By October of that same year he would find himself in Baltimore, in a local pub, lapsing in and out of consciousness. He was taken to hospital but the exact cause of his death was never determined. Our readers have their suspicions, and we are left to wonder how different this brilliant writer’s story could have been.

Image by Kevin Dooley

www.recoverywiremagazine.com

6 Image by Joe Loong

But during his climb to notoriety he also discovered cocaine, and it’s use by some Indian tribes to help alleviate exhaustion. He would later tout a philosophy that small quantities of the drug could help alleviate depression and anxiety, by lifting the taker to new and blissful heights. (But what goes up must come down). It would take three decades for him to realize that the drug had actually distracted him. It is suspected that after Freud gave up his drug of choice, he went on to compose some of his most influential works.

Men have called me mad; but the question is not yet settled, whether madness is or is not the loftiest intelligence– whether much that is glorious– whether all that is profound– does not spring from disease of thought– from moods of mind exalted at the expense of the general intellect. Edgar Allan Poe

Known as one of the wealthiest people in the world, Howard Hughes was known for several strengths. He was a man of commerce, an inventor, a philanthropist, a controversial filmmaker and an aerospace engineer. He set air speed records, and merged what would later become American Airlines. His efforts in aviation lead to winning a Congressional Gold Medal in 1939. He was an Academy Award winning producer and movie director, responsible for such works as 1932’s “Scarface”, regarded as one of the best classical gangster films of all time. He was known as a “ladies man”, said to have affairs with such notable women as Ava Gardner, Katherine Hepburn and Bette Davis. Hughes suffered from obsessive-compulsive tendencies, and by the mid 1950’s this lead him into seclusion. It is believed that his addiction began with painkillers, such as opiates and morphine, and ended with valium and heroin. In his last years he was a hermit, and at the time of his death he was in such physical decline that it took a set of fingerprints to identify him. His capacity for greatness was equal to his struggle with insomnia, depression and mental illness. Choosing to fight his battle alone lead to a very tortured demise.

Vincent Van Gogh, although known as an insightful and celebrated painter today, sold only 1 painting while he was alive. He created countless masterpieces, depicting his own tempestuous sensitivity, which was neither celebrated nor embraced in 19th century Europe. He was considered a non-conformist and run out of villages for his vision. He had a fondness for drinking, in particular Absinthe, which was a distilled and highly alcoholic anise-flavored beverage, popular in his time. Van Gogh’s reverence for painting would prove to be his third major career choice, after failing as an art dealer and a protestant minister. His famous painting “Starry Night Over The Rhine” was created the same year he cut a piece of his own ear off in a state of fury. He would be 27 before he tried his hand at painting for a living, and 37 when he shot himself to death. His life was fraught with struggle and challenge, and it was only in his death that diary entries would reveal that it was the very eccentricities and depression that made his artwork so expressive. Image by freeparking ;|

Born Miss Eleanora Fagan in 1915 in Philadelphia to a thirteen year-old mother, she would go on to change music forever. Before the age of fourteen this jazz legend would know poverty, rape, prostitution, and her first criminal arrest. In her teens she took up as a singer and chose her stage name “Billie.” She was later heard by jazz producer, John Hammond, who would help record her first single, released in 1932. Billie Holiday was not technically trained and she could not read sheet music, but the power and torture behind her voice made her one of the greatest vocal contributors in history. During a historic period fraught with racism, she counterattacked with anti-racism songs that moved listeners wherever she performed.

Image by Fertile Ground

The durable light bulb, the phonograph, the motion picture camera, a carbon microphone, the electricity distribution system, the commercial fluoroscope (for X-Ray exams), the peep-hole viewer, the electric chandelier, the Telescribe (the predecessor of the pager), the alkaline battery, electromagnetic brakes, paraffin paper, the stock ticker. These are but some of the inventions of a mind that would, at one time, be referred to as a poor student with a short attention span. Thomas Edison is known as the world’s greatest inventor, and he was a Vin Mariani aficionado. Vin Mariani was a tonic or medicine derived of Bordeaux wine treated with cocoa leaves. Edison was a notorious insomniac, known to be a regular consumer of the tonic, claiming it helped him endure longer hours without fatigue. One wonders what he might have invented with some sobriety, meditation, and a good nap.

Sadly, no amount of success would be enough to eliminate her foundation; she’d survive an abusive marriage and develop an addiction to heroine and opium. She would spend most of 1947 in prison for heroine possession, following the height of her success. As her addiction grew, her voice soon shrank, and she would die of cirrhosis at the age of forty-four. ‘Lady Day’ will forever be remembered as having given a voice to a kind of suffering few know like we do.

www.recoverywiremagazine.com

Failure is not an option. Thomas Edison

www.recoverywiremagazine.com

Russian composer born in May of 1840, Tchaikovsky began learning the piano at the tender age of five years old. His parents wanted him to become a civil servant, and he would honour them by eventually working with the Ministry of Justice as a bureau clerk. But at twenty-one, he returned to his beloved piano for more lessons, and would later join the St. Petersburg Conservatory as a composition student. Tchaikovsky, who was said to be gay, struggled with the societal expectations of the time. He was fraught with both highs and lows, as reflected in the polarity of his compositions. It would be his extreme nature, and his fleshy melancholy that would lead him to becoming one of the most endeared composers in history. His music is a binary of playful and haunting, which matched his struggle with alcohol, depression, over-sensitivity and social awkwardness.

A Tale of Two Cities, Oliver Twist and A Christmas Carol would become just a few of the grand works that would make this man a literary genius. At twelve years old he was taken from school and made to work at a factory after his father was imprisoned for unpaid debt. He experienced poverty and terrible hardship during this period. By fifteen years old his father was released and Charles was permitted to return to school. The experience inspired him to climb to greater heights. His career began as a law clerk and then a short hand reporter, and his love of words would lead him to the beginnings of a writing career in the early 1830’s. Within a few short years he would experience literary notoriety for his tenacity, humor and wit. During his formative years, China and Britain were battling an opium war. Opium was touted as a miracle cure for pain relief and sleep deprivation, and it wasn’t until much later that the risks of the drug were discovered. Dickens himself, a terrible insomniac, wrote of opium dens in some of his later works; he was known for being hooked on the drug right up until the time of his death.

Image by Dennis Des Chene

It is said that to abuse oneself with alcoholic drink is harmful. I readily agree with that. But nevertheless, I, a sick person, full of neuroses, absolutely cannot do without the poison… Taken from the diary of Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky.

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. ― Ernest Hemingway Hemingway started his career working for a newspaper before the First World War, where he was injured and decorated as a soldier. He then worked as a volunteer with an ambulance unit before returning to North America and becoming a reporter for American and Canadian newspapers. In 1921 he married for the first time (the first of four wives) and moved to Paris. In Paris he would become a member of a modernist writers movement, and join writers such as Gertrude Stein, and James Joyce. He and James would often go on lavish drinking sprees together. Hemingway would later refer to this period as one of the most influential in his life, living in Paris among the free thinkers and bohemians: “the lost generation”.

Surgery would not be what it is today without Dr. Halstead’s contribution. He was known for being introverted and abrupt. He was a graduate of the college of Physicians and Surgeons in 1877, it was Halstead who first introduced pre-emptive procedures to reduce bacterial infection during surgery. He introduced thin rubber gloves during surgery, and outlined advanced handling procedures to care for delicate organs and tissue. Later in his career he would discover that ones blood could be removed and re-infused. He was also known to experiment with forms of anesthesia, discovering that an injection into the trunk of a nerve would result in numbing all of its branches. It would be these experiments, which first introduced him to cocaine and morphine. He used himself as a test subject on more than one occasion, which launched his own addiction. Historians believe he remained addicted to morphine for the rest of his life. He died of pneumonia, ironically, from complications due to surgery. Image by L’Isola D’Oro

www.recoverywiremagazine.com

He would go on to compose great works such as, “For Whom The Bell Tolls” and “The Old Man and the Sea”. He was awarded the Nobel Prize in Literature in 1954, and the following year he was bedridden with health issues and told to stop drinking. In his later years he would become paranoid and depressed, and eventually commit suicide in his Idaho home at the age of 61. His literary prowess was said to put most others to shame, and he died well before his time. What might have become of him had he been part of today’s modern recovery movement? One can only wonder.

By Darlene Lancer JD, MFT Author of “Codependency for Dummies” and “Conquering Shame and Codependency”

We all want to get our needs met, but manipulators use underhanded methods. Manipulation is a way to covertly influence someone with indirect, deceptive, or abusive tactics. Manipulation may seem benign or even friendly or flattering, as if the person has your highest concern in mind, but in reality it’s to achieve an ulterior motive. Other times, it’s veiled hostility, and when abusive methods are used, the objective is merely power. You may not realize that you’re being unconsciously intimidated.

something has been agreed upon or decided when it hasn’t, in order to ignore any input or objection you might have.

The “foot-in-the-door” technique is making a small request that you agree to, which is followed by the real request. It’s harder to say no, because you’ve already said yes. The reversal turns your words around to mean something you didn’t intend. When you object, manipulators turn the tables on you so that they’re the injured party. Now it’s about them and their complaints, and you’re on the defensive. Fake If you grew up being manipulated, it’s harder to discern concern is sometimes used to undermine your decisions and what’s going on, because it feels familiar. You might have confidence in the form of warnings or worry about you. a gut feeling of discomfort or anger, but on the surface the manipulator may use words that are pleasant, ingratiating, reasonable, or that play on your guilt or sympathy, so you override your instincts and don’t know what to say. Codependents have trouble being direct and assertive and may use manipulation to get their way. They’re also Emotional blackmail is abusive manipulation that may easy prey for being manipulated by narcissists, borderline include the use of rage, intimidation, threats, shame, or guilt. personalities, sociopaths, and other codependents, Shaming you is a method to create self-doubt and make including addicts. you feel insecure. It can even be couched in a compliment: “I’m surprised that you of all people would stoop to that!” A classic ploy is to frighten you with threats, anger, accusations, or dire warnings, such as, “At your age, you’ll never meet anyone else if you leave,” or “The grass isn’t any greener,” or playing the victim: “I’ll die without you.” Favourite weapons of manipulators are: guilt, complaining, comparing, lying, denying (including excuses and Blackmailers may also frighten you with anger, so you rationalizations), feigning ignorance, or innocence (the “Who sacrifice your needs and wants. If that doesn’t work, they me!?” defence), blame, bribery, undermining, mind games, sometimes suddenly switch to a lighter mood. You’re so assumptions, “foot-in-the-door,” reversals, emotional relieved that you’re willing to agree to whatever is asked. blackmail, evasiveness, forgetting, fake concern, sympathy, They might bring up something you feel guilty or ashamed apologies, flattery, and gifts and favors. Manipulators often about from the past as leverage to threaten or shame you, use guilt by saying directly or through implication, “After such as, “I’ll tell the children xyz if you do xyz.” all I’ve done or you,” or chronically behaving needy and helpless. They may compare you negatively to someone Victims of blackmailers who have certain personality else or rally imaginary allies to their cause, saying that, disorders, such as borderline or narcissistic PD, are prone “Everyone” or “Even so and so thinks xyz ,” or “says xyz to experience a psychological FOG, which stands for Fear, about you.” Obligation, and Guilt, an acronym created by Susan Forward. The victim is made to feel afraid to cross the manipulator, Some manipulators deny promises, agreements, or feels obligated to comply with his or her request, and feels conversations, or start an argument and blame you for too guilty not to do so. Shame and guilt can be used directly something you didn’t do to get sympathy and power. with put-downs or accusations that you’re “selfish” (the This approach can be used to break a date, promise, or worse vice to many codependents) or that “You only think agreement. Parents routinely manipulate with bribery – of yourself,” “You don’t care about me,” or that “You have everything from, “Finish your dinner to get dessert,” to “No it so easy.” video games until your homework is done.” I was bribed with a promise of a car, which I needed to commute to summer school, on the condition that I agree to go to the college that my parents had chosen rather than the one I’d decided on. I always regretted taking the bribe. When you do, it undermines your self-respect. Codependents are rarely assertive. They may say whatever they think someone wants to hear to get along or be loved, Manipulators often voice assumptions about your but then later they do what they want. This is also passiveintentions or beliefs and then react to them as if they were aggressive behaviour. Rather than answer a question that true in order to justify their feelings or actions, all the while might lead to a confrontation, they’re evasive, they change denying what you say in the conversation. They may act as if the topic, or they use blame and denial (including excuses

Emotional Blackmail

How to spot

MANIPULATION

Manipulative Tactics

Codependency

12 Image by Andrew Mason

www.recoverywiremagazine.com

and rationalizations), to avoid being wrong. Because they find it so hard to say no, they may say yes, followed by complaints about how difficult accommodating the request will be. When confronted, because of their deep shame, codependents have difficulty accepting responsibility, so they deny responsibility and blame or make excuses or make empty apologies to keep the peace. They use charm and flattery and offer favours, help, and gifts to be accepted and loved. Criticism, guilt, and self-pity are also used to manipulate to get what they want: “Why do you only think of yourself and never ask or help me with my problems? I helped you.” Acting like a victim is a way to manipulate with guilt. Addicts routinely deny, lie, and manipulate to protect their addiction. Their partners also manipulate for example, by hiding or diluting an addict’s drugs or alcohol or through other covert behaviour. They may also lie or tell half-truths to avoid confrontations or control the addict’s behaviour.

forgetting, being late, or doing it half-heartedly. Typically, passive-aggression is a way of expressing hostility. Forgetting “on purpose” conveniently avoids what you don’t want to do and gets back at your partner – like forgetting to pick up your spouse’s clothes from the cleaner’s. Sometimes, this is done unconsciously, but it’s still a way of expressing anger. A more hostile action is offering desserts to your dieting partner.

How to Handle Manipulators The first step is to know whom you’re dealing with. They know your triggers! Study their tactics and learn their favourite weapons. Build your self-esteem and self-respect. This is your best defence! Also, learn to be assertive and set boundaries. Read How to Speak Your Mind: Become Assertive and Set Limits. Contact me at info@darlenelancer.com for a free report “12 Strategies to Handle Manipulators.” ©DarleneLancer2014

Passive-Aggression Passive-aggressive behaviour can also be used to manipulate. When you have trouble saying no, you might agree to things you don’t want to, and then get your way by

Be sure to check out Darlene Lancer’s NEW BOOK! This essential guide explores the powerful emotion of shame, what can happen if it is not addressed, and provides practical advice on how to break deep-rooted patterns. Now available at Amazon!

www.recoverywiremagazine.com

TOXIC FAMILY

By Dee Christensen

! R E V O G N A H Have you ever wondered how all those years of living in a dysfunctional family impacted you? Is there a guidebook of some kind? If knowledge is power, the following information will help you gain the authority you need to start recovering from your own toxic family hangover.

I recently attended a weekend function: a family function. It was not my family, but it may as well have been. The dynamic that ensued for the entirety of this two day event was so hauntingly similar to my own toxic-cocoon-of-origin that a couple of times I forgot I wasn’t related. With a decent amount of recovery under my belt, I tried my best not to let the milieu swallow me whole, but by the end of the weekend I suffered a familiar kind of hangover. The TOXIC FAMILY HANGOVER! There are rules, trends, and job descriptions if you want to play a role in this system. Being a member is not for the faint of heart. First, one must figure out what their role is going to be. These are preset functions, not to be taken lightly.

The Mascot Your role is to make us laugh. When there is tension, you will ease it by giving us something to chuckle about. You are always joking around, you silly goof. Underneath that façade of humour lies a tremendous amount of pain and anxiety, but on the surface you are the life of the party.

The Enabler Your job is to clean up our mess. If there’s potential embarrassment afoot, you’ll save us. If there’s risk of conflict, you’ll resolve it. If there’s chaos, you’ll iron it out. You seem selfless and harmless enough, but boy do you like to control things! Cleaning and fixing is your way of alleviating that bubbling tension and powerlessness lurking just below the surface. If everyone just does what you instruct, we can avoid acknowledging the real issues for another day.

The Scapegoat If there’s conflict in the home, you’ll create an even bigger mess to distract us from it. It’s almost a selfless act, if not for the fact that it draws all the attention your way. You always seem to be getting into trouble: the grades, that hair, the drugs! It never ends, whenever we think you’ve finally outdone yourself, you continue to amaze. I suppose it’s easier to create mayhem than have it thrust upon you, at least you’re at the helm this way.

The Hero You know, you’re almost too good to be true. The awards, the accolades, the achievements: no matter what you put your mind to, you’re the best. Somehow in the recesses of your mind it will be enough to make things better, but even if it doesn’t, you’ll keep chasing the achievements in order to avoid the disappointments at home.

Now that you know how to label everyone, the next step is to learn the rules. These rules are clearly defined and never spoken about. During my weekend excursion, it would be the following rules that I spotted first, in fact. This was a major family event, which meant all hands on deck. And with so many personalities, enmeshed relationships, and untreated wounds, it makes sense to retreat back to the rules that held us together the first time we endured these elements.

Rule Number One:

DENIAL

The Lost Child You seem unfettered by all this mayhem, what are you reading? You always have a book in your face. You always seem to be off alone somewhere, and everybody thinks you’re the “good” child, but the truth is, it’s all about avoidance and stress relief for you. If there’s a problem, you’re out of here!

16 Image by Tom Wang/Veer

www.recoverywiremagazine.com

This is the very cornerstone of our existence in a toxic home. Don’t worry that we’re on the edge of an explosion; ignore the impending anxiety in your stomach. Turn away from the chaos and the mishaps, the noise and the mayhem; keep your head down, focus on something else. This isn’t happening. If we just keep telling ourselves it’s circumstantial, “Boys will be boys” and/or “Girls will be girls” and/or “You

know Jimmy!” If we just keep ourselves distracted through the worst of it, we can make a laughable reference afterwards, intended to explain the chaos as anecdotal, subjective; a mere passing moment of adorable weakness. Just don’t look directly at it, or the world might come to an end.

mine, it’s like stepping into the exact same system. And even with some recovery behind us, it’s so easy to get swallowed into the folds of it and wake afterwards with that special kind of hangover. Getting out of a toxic family feels like surviving a war.

Rule Number Two:

In 1977 Tony A. produced a list that would forever be known as “The Laundry List”. These are the 14 traits of an Adult Child of an Alcoholic. This list answers the question: how did this impact me as an adult?

RIGIDITY Toxic families do not adapt well to change. We have systems in place, and upsetting the balance is a haunting notion. It’s as if we exist in the aftermath of a hurricane, surrounded by mess and pandemonium: the results of an angry storm. But we’ve been weathering the storm for so long, that we know just where everything is amidst what you see as wreckage. To you, it’s all strewn about, but to us it’s an organized chaos. Should you enter our environment with the tools needed to organize, we won’t know where anything is. You’ll amplify our sense of helplessness, and there is no feeling worse is there?

Rule Number Three:

SILENCE It does not matter how bad things are, who has been abused, how much you need support, how insane things have gotten: keep it to yourself. To share the madness with anyone outside the cocoon would be breaking a sacred rule. What goes on in the bubble; stays in the bubble.

Rule Number Four:

ISOLATION We are no longer accepting applications: these doors are closed. We do not have intimate ties with our neighbors: we do not have close community connections. We are an isolated unit. In fact, even inside the cocoon should we need each other, our ultimate response will be to bail and retreat even more into isolation. Rule number four: when the going gets tough, recoil and wait it out. Our toxic lives are fraught with similarities. Even after all these years, whether it’s your house or

THE LAUNDRY LIST 1. We became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures. 2. We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process. 3. We are frightened of angry people and any personal criticism. 4. We either become alcoholics, marry them or both, or find another compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick abandonment needs.

Once we grasp a better understanding of the specific dynamics of our nutty families, what do we do? Knowledge is power, so now that we have the authority to impact change, we need a clearer understanding of what changes to make. Psychologist Suzanne Gold outlines a list of ten ways to help make peace with the past and start to chart anew:

“ 1. SET A NEW COURSE” This is about following your heart and listening to yourself. Our dysfunctional family systems didn’t give way to having a free and contented childhood experience, or having an autonomous experience at all. Now is the time. Start by listening to your own calling, your own voice, and being brave enough to use this understanding to pave a new trail.

“2. TRUST YOUR INTUITION “ For the first part of your life, intentionally or not, you were taught to ignore your instincts. Now is the time to ignore that advice. This is about tuning in to your own little echo and developing your own guidance system. The Universe has armed you with a special kind of compass; just imagine where following it will lead you!

“3. LOOK FOR A SILVER LINING”

6. We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves; this enables us not to look too closely at our own faults, etc.

For so long we lived in a system of pessimism. When things went wrong, we used bad situations to explain them. When more things went wrong, we lumped all the bad things into a pile and threw a pity party. Those days are gone. Now is the time to see potential in every experience. Every situation is a story you might not know the ending to just yet, and how exciting! The possibilities, the twists and turns: when the going gets tough, try chanting a mantra to a higher source, “I trust you, I trust you, I trust you”. All will be revealed, just have a little faith.

7. We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others.

“4. TAKE A STEP BACK “

5. We live life from the viewpoint of victims and we are attracted by that weakness in our love and friendship relationships.

10. We have “stuffed” our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much (Denial).

The old rule was, whatever you’re feeling/thinking/wanting to do, just do it! Throw caution to the wind, forget about the consequences and let it all out. The new rule is: WAIT. Take a grand step back, and gain some perspective. If you want to outgrow toxic family patterns, the first line of defence is to develop life skills to replace your old survival skills. You are no longer in danger, so there’s plenty of time to be smart about things.

11. We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem.

“5. WATCH WHAT YOU SAY”

8. We became addicted to excitement. 9. We confuse love and pity and tend to “love” people we can “pity” and “rescue.”

12. We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings, which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us. 13. Alcoholism is a family disease; and we became para-alcoholics and took on the characteristics of that disease even though we did not pick up the drink. 14. Para-alcoholics are reactors rather than actors.

There was a time when anything you thought, you said. There was so much pent up emotion, so many wounds, that when a brief moment of explosion appeared we amplified it. We said whatever came to mind because it might be our only opportunity for a while. But now that those days are over, we will watch what we say. We will be aware of how our words impact those around us, and we will choose our battles with more care.

“6. DON’T KEEP SCORE” Set your goals, go ahead, but don’t lump the “failures”

together and make a thing of it. What good will that do you? Whether you keep score in a relationship with someone else or with yourself, what are you gaining out of it? It’s an old habit, and it’s not easy to break. It comes from a time when we felt constantly threatened and needed to arm ourselves with special kinds of weapons. But we are no longer at war, and we must let go of the evidence of our wounds. The impact is too great and the rewards no longer exist.

“7. NO VICTIMS, NO VILLAINS “ Our instinct when we’re hurt is to seek out a villain, and deem ourselves a victim. We unknowingly create win/lose situations, and this inclination came from a period when the only way to get out unscathed was to stomp on an opponent. But this is neither a game nor a competition, and there are no victims or villains. It’s time to convert to win/win situations, and see our loved ones as equals. It’s all about taking responsibility.

“8. MEDITATE AND TREAT YOURSELF WELL” In our past the only relief we experienced was the cautious morning after a blazing row. There was never an opportunity for unhindered joy without an undertone of warning. It’s time to change all that. It’s time to treat yourself, and work through your feelings of guilt and discomfort about it. It’s only natural that unconditional joy would be challenging, it’s not as if we’ve had practice at it. But it’s time to apply ourselves to the task of being mindful, joyful, silly, and exalted without consequence now and then. Practice makes perfect.

“9. GET OUTSIDE HELP” Isolation and silence be damned, when it hurts, talk about it. Getting outside help is a valuable tool that will help heel those old wounds. This toxic cycle didn’t end with our parents, most likely, because they didn’t heal what was broken. Let the cycle end with us.

“10. MOVE ON” Live a full and contended life. Allow yourself to graduate and start anew. Chart your own course, and live with dignity and grace, and wish the same for others. Once the healing has taken place, forge onward and upward. Your hangover-free future awaits!

Works Cited ACOA. (1978). Adult Children of Alcoholics Worls Service Organization. The Laundry List . Retrieved from www.adultchildren.org Admin. (2012, June 25). Roles in the Addicted Family System. MARR . Counseling Center. (2007). Growing Up with Drinking or Other Substance Abuse. UNIVERSITY OF ILLINOIS AT URBANA-CHAMPAIGN, Student Affairs. Gold, S. (2001). Ten Ways To Make Peace With The Past And Create A New Future. Surviving a Dysfunctional Family . Daddy’s Girls.

By Kimberley-Robyn Covey

: Equal Opportunity

Destroyer?

Image by Giannis Angelakis

I recently had a discussion with a good friend of mine, a recovered alcoholic, about whether or not addiction discriminates. My friend is an upper middle class white guy. I am a black female from a very modest background. We attend some of the same meetings and travel in some of the same recovery circles. We have both been impacted severely by addiction. Despite our obvious differences, we do absolutely share a common bond in our disease.

Recovery Discriminates African Canadians and Native people are woefully under represented in the solution side of addiction even though they are sadly overrepresented in correctional facilities. According to a report released in 2013 by Howard Sapers, Canada’s Correctional Investigator, while African Canadians make up only 2.5% of Canada’s population, yet they make up more than 20%

www.recoverywiremagazine.com

Meanwhile, at the average Canadian 12 step meeting the ratio of non whites to whites is 1 to 15. A 2011 AA survey of 8000 members in both US and Canada shows only an approximate 4% Black membership and only 2% Native membership.

In making his point, my friend pointed out that rehabs, treatment centres and 12 step rooms are full Let’s get real. We know that while no race, creed, of people from diverse backgrounds, thus proving that or culture is immune from substance abuse, addiction addiction strikes at every cultural group and every walk does not affect populations equally. of life. Although I have to agree with him in theory… something doesn’t quite sit well with me. Addiction rages within our inner-city communities which are traditionally made up of lower income folks. Sure, there are one, two, maybe even three visible African Canadians, First Nation people, struggling minorities at the typical meeting I attend, but there immigrant communities and poorer white families are at least 20-30 white folks. I remember being the usually make up this demographic. Statistics also only person of colour at one of the treatment centres show that addiction issues are very prevalent with I attended in my journey, and one of three visible inner-city people who struggle with various mental minorities, including one Native and one other African health disorders. In fact, according to CAMH statistics Canadian, at the second, which serviced about 30 on mental illness, about 20% of people with a mental people at a time. disorder have a co-occuring substance abuse problem. The report goes on to show that Canadians in the Yes, I agree that even though its manifestations lowest income group are 3 to 4 times more likely can be different, for example inner-city crack or meth thatnthose in the highest income group to report fair addiction versus suburban alcoholism and prescription to poor mental health or addictions. pills, at its heart, the core common problem is still addiction. This is a no brainer. In this light, addiction These facts seem to scream out a rarely talked doesn’t discriminate (although the media doesn’t about, very uncomfortable truth. There is a large and promote that bitter truth often enough to the masses, looming unpublicised link between financial inequality preferring to dwell on the drama of the innercity rather and drug/alcohol addiction. than the very real and no less fatal drug and alcohol dependencies thriving in upper class neighbourhoods). But if the actual disease does not discriminate, then why are there not a lot more people of color, or of First Nation heritage showing up in recovery spaces? Could it be that although addiction may not discriminate, recovery does?

Image by Nina Jean

of the prison population in Ontario alone, most of those incarcerations stemming from drug related crimes. Of our Native brothers and sisters who make up 4% of the total population, a whopping 21% are serving time.

What comes first, the chicken or the egg? There is a ‘chicken or egg first’ situation in the connection between addiction and poverty. People with addictions tend to drop out of school and lose jobs. Conversely, people with no education, no skills, and no hope for employment have an increased risk of alcoholism/addiction and even more disturbing…they also have much lower chances of recovery than their middle to upper class counterparts. The Fix published an article back in 2008 entitled Yes, Addiction Does Discriminate, where the author notes the following statistic, “ Americans earning less

Dianne Piaskoski BComm, BSc, MMath, MA than $20,000 a year are half as likely to successfully quit smoking-and nearly a third less likely to end a cocaine addiction- than those making $70,000 or more.”

What can we do?

but’terfly effect`

Much the same as for any addict, the first step we must take to deal with this issue is to admit that there is a problem. Perhaps, in the name of political If addiction is supposed to be an equal opportunity correctness, we have been hesitant to publicly destroyer, why, according to Statistics Canada, did acknowledge these disturbing truths, but the cold, only 7 percent of all alcohol related deaths between hard fact remains that addiction is disproportionately 1991 and 2006 happen to people who had a University concentrated among those of us with the lowest degree, compared to the 21 percent who were high incomes, least education, and fewest resources. school dropouts? All this is certainly not to take any credence from Although our wealthier neighbourhoods may be those battling addictions outside of this demographic. just as susceptible to addiction/alcoholism as our There are struggling addicts and alcoholics fighting poorest districts, our poorer citizens do not share an the good fight in Forest Hills, Ontario and in equal playing field when it comes to recovery. Westmount, Quebec and in every neighbourhood in between. Sadly there are many that lose the battle regardless of privilege or status and this article is not intended in any way to diminish their struggle.

The “butterfly effect”is a term in chaos theory that depicts how one small change (the flap of a butterflies wings) in one place can result in a large and unpredictable change (a hurricane, say) in another place. The same can be true when we make small changes in our lives.

Why?

Addictions Counselling

However, if we as a society want to fight addiction, we must truly start by dealing with inequality. We must brainstorm ways to bring awareness and education to those who need it desperately. We must acknowledge that lack of employment and opportunity is a major contributor to the feelings of hopelessness and uselessness that are a part of this disease. Quite often addicts or alcoholics are conditioned to As The Fix writer stated in, Yes, Addiction Does believe that drinking/ drugging is a necessary part Discriminate, of their culture, or that it is socially unacceptable to not drink, or partake in certain using activities. “Denying the link between income and addiction Quite often they are discouraged from seeking help keeps us from finding workable solutions for the because of the associated stigma, fear, and distrust explosion in addictive behaviour all around us. The of outside resources. most potent anti-craving medications in the world won’t prevent relapse among people who lack skills, Another huge reason, I believe, is attributable to jobs, and hope.” what I like to call a form of cultural depression. Often for people who live in poverty, surrounded by poverty, Fighting addiction by working towards a more level in a family cycle of poverty, drugs and alcohol become playing field benefits not only the poor working and the only affordable sources of pleasure and purpose. middle class members of our society; it serves the When, in the community, the only folks who appear greater population in many ways including lowered to be making money and having a good time are drug health costs, lowered crime rates, and lowered dealers, bootleggers, and people engaged in street policing and public justice costs. More importantly crimes, then drinking and drugging and all related ,more lives can be saved. In the final analysis, every activities become a natural rite of passage for those level of our world benefits when all of our cultures with limited opportunities. are steeped in education and awareness. It’s about really carrying the message, a message of hope and information and solution , to the most vulnerable victims of this epidemic. The reasons for these startling facts are obvious. Lack of education and access to accurate information and medical resources are the primary factors ,followed closely by social dogma, cultural beliefs and denial.

“Addiction does not affect populations equally...” 22

(416) 522-9421 dianne@butterfly-effect.ca www. butterfly-effect.ca

COCAINE ANONYMOUS SOCA CONVENTION

“THERE IS A SOLUTION!” “Recovery from cocaine and all other mind altering substances.” The Southern Ontario Cocaine Anonymous 18th Annual Convention October 17, 18, 19, 2014 Eaton Chelsea Hotel, 33 Gerrard St. W. Toronto, ON www.socaconvention.org

www.recoverywiremagazine.com

By Dr. Vera Tarman M.D. The following is an excerpt from Dr. Tarman’s upcoming book: The Truth About Food Addiction: Food Junkies Image byDucDigital

Quit Smoking in REHAB?

t t u B !! t u O 24 www.recoverywiremagazine.com

I loved smoking. I loved how I could twirl the cigarette in my fingers, with its tip spiraled inwards, how the smoke curled through my fingers. I loved how it took away my hunger, and how it felt whenever I flicked open a pack to offer someone a smoke or leaned in with my Bic to offer a light. Even though I had to take wads of tissue with me everywhere and spit discreetly, because the phlegm would back up in my throat, gagging me. It was so romantic so cool - the smoke rings, the different brands, the rollies, beedies, pipe tobacco. Loved it.

Rehab is an ideal place to quit drugs and alcohol. So why aren’t more people quitting there? It isn’t that clients don’t want to quit. Ask any group of smokers if they have tried to quit in the last year and you will find that over 60% of them will put up their hand.

I was 24 years old when I finally quit. My father, a two pack a day smoker, had stopped cold turkey. One day he was hacking in his apartment - that had yellow stained walls from the smoke - and the next day, the window was wide open with the cold air of winter chilling our coffees. If HE could do it, so could I. For two weeks I did not go outside except to work at my nightshift cashier job. I chewed on a pink pacifier and cinnamon toothpicks until my cheek muscles ached. I needed to have something chewy in my teeth constantly. As long as I didn’t drink coffee, hang out with my friends (who all smoked), or be alone for too long, the temptation to smoke eased. It only took three weeks and soon I was starting to hate smokers. They reeked! How could that have been me, I thought smugly? 80% of people quit cold turkey. I was not unusual - but I have defied the odds for staying quit. Over 95% of people who quit start up again within a year; 80% of those are smoking again within the first month. I knew intuitively that like any other addiction, one puff and the craving would come back relentlessly, punishing me for even thinking of quitting. People who don’t change their external environment (people, places, things) or who think they can cheat whenever they are upset, happy, or sad end up picking up their pack a day habit within days. Ironically, I found that being stressed out helped; I was too busy fretting about things to focus on how much I wanted a cigarette. A 5% success rate just isn’t good enough. The consequences of smoking are serious. Death from multiple cancers, emphysema, heart attack, and stroke are in the works for any smoker. It is just a matter of time. After a person turns 35, they lose up to 10 years of life if they continue to puff it up. For the length of time it takes to smoke each cigarette, subtract that ten minutes from

www.recoverywiremagazine.com

the end of your life. Then there are all the lesser but still unpleasant consequences: rapid aging, foot amputation, and dementia lurk for the procrastinators who plan to wait until their next New Year’s resolution.

One of the biggest obstacles is the advice they get. They are told that quitting might tip them into relapse and that smoking tobacco (like eating candy) is not as bad as getting drunk or getting high. “If it takes a smoke or candy to stave off the cravings for the drug of choice, so be it.” Counsellors have been saying this for years in treatment centres. Counsellors, along with the residents, are still huddled out on the porch smoking in the dead of winter promising to quit “one day.” Research has shown the contrary: smoking is actually a major trigger towards relapse. Research has also shown that the person who quits smoking is more likely to stay sober and stay quit from cigarettes. Quit both and you can be a double winner. There are treatments available. Doctors have been pushing the nicotine patch for years. Research is now

“...smoking is actually a major trigger towards relapse.”

Attend Dr. Vera Tarman’s

BOOK LAUNCH

FOOD JUNKIES Saturday, Nov 22 2 - 4 pm

proving that medications work even better:Champix is the most effective in helping people quit, with Zyban a second runner-up. These drugs reduce the cravings once the person has made the commitment to stop. Since weight gain is another major reason why addicts are afraid to quit (it isn’t unusual for a person to gain up to 15 pounds), Champix promises to squelch the appetite which rears its head once the person butts out.

Book Reading, Signing, Refreshments Heliconian Hall, 35 Hazelton Ave, Toronto Ontario (in the Back Drop of Jazz Ensemble)

Doctors are even willing to try dual therapy if it helps: double up on the patches or use a patch and gum, or stack both meds at the same time. Of course, that would be double the side effects. For some people that can be vivid nightmares, depression, or even paranoia. I had one patient who took Zyban and three weeks later, he came into my office, warily sitting across from my desk. Did anyone call about him, he asked, and when I shook my head, he got up and looked out all of the windows. “Was there another place we could meet for our next visit?” I decided to stop the meds and the next time I saw him he reported that the people tailing him were gone. Wouldn’t it be novel if treatment centres offered nicotine replacement aids and encouraged people to quit smoking? And had a diet that supported this (i.e., no sugar and minimal processed foods)? How about a treatment program just for smoking cessation that offered meds, hypnosis, acupuncture, the works? A treatment program could do all this and it would still be cheaper in the long run. Chemotherapy, years of oxygen therapy, and multi-infarct dementia cost the system a great deal more than a three week stint in rehab. Ready to butt out? You can get back most of your health within 10 years if you quit soon enough - and your sobriety will be more solid.

Image by Katarinaa

In partnership with Jackies Place - The Book Room

Understanding Addiction, Food Addiction, Obesity and Eating Disorcers

THE POWER IS OURS The Addictions Unplugged website serves as a portal and discussion forum for medical professionals, front-line addiction workers and those affected by addiction to reach out to Dr. Tarman and find out the latest information on treatment.

RECOVERY BOOKS Buy recovery books online from our new book room and support a great cause! By purchasing your books through Recovery Wire Magazine, you can help contribute to keeping our magazine free of charge for the people around the world.

VISIT: www.recoverywiremagazine.com/the-book-room/

www.addictionsunplugged.com 26

www.recoverywiremagazine.com

By Terrence Daryl Shulman, JD,LMSW,ACSW,CAADC,CPC Founder and Director of The Shulman Center for Compulsive Theft, Spending & Hoarding Author of, “Cluttered Lives, Empty Souls: Compulsive Stealing, Spending & Hoarding”

WEB OF BUYS: TAKE12RADIO.COM MOC.OIDAR21EKAT KHLT RECOVERY BROADCASTING

GNITSACDAORB YREVOCER TLHK

Recovery Talk & Positive Music

!!!

! ! !

Addicted to !!! ! !! ONLINE SHOPPING ?

cisuM evitisoP & klaT yrevoceR

? 24/7 with the

eht htiw 7/42

MontyMan

naMytnoM

Celebrities • Recovery Workshops • Clinicians • Circuit Speakers • Authors 28

www.recoverywiremagazine.com

srohtuA • srekaepS tiucriC • snaicinilC • spohskroW yrevoceR • seitirbeleC

www.recoverywiremagazine.com

Image by Leks/Veer

Ever since the Internet was created two decades ago, both it and our lives have continued to morph and change at an increasingly fast pace. Any new invention--such as the TV--can either be friend or foe. For many, the Internet is like crack cocaine: cheap, easy, and incredibly addictive!

us engage in more balanced and appropriate behaviour. It can be done with the right help. Many will need specialized counselling, support groups such as Debtors Anonymous, medication, family support, and knowledge from books such as Bought Out and $pent! Recovery from Compulsive $hopping and $pending.

Think about it. Because most of us use the Internet regularly, we can’t live without it! And many get sucked into behaviours that, previously, took at least a little more effort to engage in. We have Internet gambling, video and other games, pornography and hook-ups, news and other info, access to drugs and alcohol and, of course, shopping.

Over-shopping is over-shopping whether it’s at high-end stores, thrift stores, garage sales, or through the TV or Internet. But, for most, it’s harder to avoid the Internet than the stores. Most people have e-mail. Most people use the Internet for work or personal research. Most participate in social networking. Besides, online shopping sites bombard us daily with prompts and “flash sales”-often at our weakest moments.

2013 was the first year where online sales surpassed instore sales. Holiday season online sales were up 3.5% over 2012 while in store sales were down 21%. Now, not everyone who shops at stores or online becomes a shopping addict but it’s safe to say that the Internet makes it more tempting and more likely that we could get hooked.

So, then, what can one do if one is addicted to Internet shopping? The first step is to admit you have a problem. The second step is to ask for help from loved ones and, likely, a skilled therapist. The third step is to not shop alone for a while-just as sex or gambling addicts must stay out of dangerous places (sex parlours and casinos) as well as off porn and gambling sites. Fourth, you may need to unsubscribe from shopping websites that send you emails or social media messages. Fifth, you may need to cancel your credit card that is on file with online stores. Sixth, you must find other healthy activities to fill your time. Seventh, you may need to install software to prevent you from accessing certain websites (similar to a TV channel blocker).

Over-shopping and overspending have been around since the dawn of time but these problems have only recently been considered as potentially addictive-compulsive disorders. In 2006, Stanford University conducted a study that concluded about 6% of Americans (18 million) suffered from “compulsive buying disorder.” And the University of Richmond, two years later, put that number at closer to 10%. Interestingly, nearly as many men as women may suffer from compulsive shopping or spending. In addition, some recent statistics have proclaimed that the average American carries about $10,000 (Ten Thousand Dollars) in debt due to extraneous/leisure spending and that the number one reason why couples argue and break-up is due to arguments about money and spending or “financial infidelity”--lying about or hiding purchases. It’s been hard to quantify what percentage of “shopaholics” primarily struggle with Internet shopping but, after a nearly a decade of counselling people with this problem, I can safely say that the majority of them increasingly do. As a side note, shopping over the TV has also become more common and, likewise, more problematic, as more and more people are watching TV and the number of homeshopping networks has ballooned from several to several hundred. Supply and demand at work. How do you know if you’re addicted to shopping--whether at stores, on TV, or through the Internet? Well, it’s just like any other addiction, actually. You could be in denial, of course, but ask yourself these questions: might this be a problem for me? Do others think it’s a problem for me? Am I falling behind in paying my bills due to my shopping? Do I buy things and often don’t even use them? Is my home becoming cluttered? Do I hide my shopping from loved

Image byMike Rolls

ones or lie about it? Do I feel irritable or agitated if I go for a while without shopping? Is shopping interfering with work or other important activities or relationships? Is my shopping getting more frequent, more expensive, or out of control? Have I tried to stop or slow down but found it hard to do? If it walks and quacks like a duck, it might be a duck.

I’ve been honored and gratified to have successfully counselled many clients who’ve been compulsive shoppers and spenders. Once they’ve taken the first steps to acknowledge a problem and seek help, we can discover what needs they are really trying to fulfill--and it has nothing to do with the stuff. Most people get hooked on shopping, especially Internet shopping, when they are feeling depressed, low self-esteem, empty, angry, or unsupported. The tragedy is that their shopping seems to temporarily soothe them but only complicates their lives. The Internet may be a dangerous neighbourhood to hang out in. Get out of there and to a safe place. Get help now! Mr. Shulman has been featured in numerous media interviews

However, if you are addicted to shopping, the goal is not necessarily complete abstinence from shopping or spending--like with drugs, alcohol, or gambling; rather, it’s more like recovery from overeating--we have to learn what is driving the emotional and out-of-control shopping and how to change our lifestyle and coping skills to help

www.recoverywiremagazine.com

including The Oprah Winfrey Show in 2004. He has been in recovery himself since March 1990 from addictive-compulsive shoplifting and stealing and is the founder of C.A.S.A. (Cleptomaniacs And Shoplifters Anonymous) See www.theshulmancenter.com or call 248-358-8508.