Issue 10

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May June 2014

Bought out and$pent

PERFECTIONISM

Low Self-Esteem and the addiction of Perfectionism

Society Stereotypes & Second Chances

Addicts and the Employment Challenge

Compulsive $hopping and $pending

The Wounded Healer

Should doctors with addictions self-disclose?

TOP 10 TIPS For Job Seekers

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LETTER FROM THE EDITOR This New Year we are resolved to show compassion to ourselves, and others, no matter how ugly or political things might get.

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TOP 10 TIPS FOR JOB SEEKERS Finding employment with our history can be a tricky objective, but here are a few tips to help along the way.

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PERFECTIONISM Guest writer Darlene Lancer, author of “Codependency for Dummies” writes about the struggles of perfectionism and how it all started.

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SOCIETY, STEREOTYPES AND SECOND CHANCES Being in recovery might be a blessing, but living in the shadow of a past addiction makes employment a very special kind of challenge.

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BOUGHT OUT AND SPENT Guest writer Daryl Shulman of the Shulman Institute talks about shopping addiction. Are you buying what you need, or bordering on addicted?

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TYPES OF SHOPPERS Curious about what kind of shopper you are?

The Shulman Institute outlines each catagory of shopper; ready to see how you rate?

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THE WOUNDED HEALER Dr. T talks about the struggls of self diclosure as a professional in the medical/addiction field. Is it better to share or not to share?

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MY GREATEST FEARS It’s one thing to share about resentments and fear within the fellowship, but facing our fears and overcoming resentments is another monster entirely!

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BEYOND THE MAJORITY It’s time to think outside the box, and turn up the volume on your inner voice. It’s easy to simply follow the pack, but true inspiration is about trudging new ground.

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LETTER FROM THE EDITOR Issue 10,May/June 2014 Editor In Chief Dee Christensen dee@recoverywiremagazine.com Contributing Writers Kimberly-Robyn Covey Darlene Lancer JD, MFT Terrence Dary l Shulman, JD,LMSW,ACSW,CAADC,CPC Dr. Vera Tarman M.D. Aakilah Ade R.N. Cover Illustrations adamson Veer Illustrations Horsche iStock Diego Cervo iStock TommL iStock carbouval Veer Denis Pepin Veer stevanovicigor iStock Benchart Veer cienpies Veer Photography Liam Philley Published 6 Times Yearly: January/February, March/April, May/June, July/August, September/October, November/December Mailing Address 360A Bloor Street West P.O. Box 68506 Walmer Toronto, ON M5S 3C9 1.416.922.9227 Reprints For permission to print any portion of this magazine requests should be sent to: info@recoverywiremagazine.com

Copyright 2012, Canada Post Publications Mail Canada Post Agreement Number: 42459522 Follow or Friend us!

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feel compelled to escape. And it was around this time that another strange metamorphosis occurred: as my own reflection was repaired, I became a mirror for the suffering.

Wherever I was, be it at work, volunteering, out dancing or having dinner with friends, I recognized a pattern immerging. Somewhere someone was on-guard. When I happened upon a sufferer, it seemed the moment I opened my mouth I was saying the wrong thing. I was doing the wrong thing, I was offending somehow and despite my best efforts I couldn’t seem to escape the sense that I had When I entered into recovery there become the proverbial ‘bull in a china were a lot of challenges I expected. I shop.’ It would be some time before expected cravings, I expected some I recognized what was happening. I collateral damage where my social life recall the days of my own suffering. was concerned, I expected to be paying What I craved was a kinship amidst off debt for a while and I certainly the darkness, and suddenly I was no expected my existence to shrink. In longer welcome there, but instead I my mind I was giving up my former was shining a strange light into the grandiose self for a more subdued/ hollow. The struggle, of course, is wallflower version that might be that until I realized this is what was better equipped to keep herself out of happening I took the matter very trouble. And if I’m being honest, that personally. was about the size of my life during my first stretch of recovery. I was There always seemed to be that content to accept whatever leftovers one coworker who picked on me or the Universe might have lying around antagonized me. That one friend-ofso long as it meant I wasn’t constantly a-friend who seemed irritated by me trudging through the usual pile of shit. and sought reasons to disparage me.

Never could I have imagined what This strange conflict began to follow would come next. me, and deep in my thoughts I began to wonder if I was cursed or simply Once some time had passed a shift unlikable? I tried any number of things occurred. I could explain this shift in to avoid the matter: I retreated, I any number of ways but I think the spoke very rarely, I spoke with more most significant explanation would force, I tried minding my own business be to say: I was no longer abstaining and I tried being more social. Try as I because I was an addict; I was might, this challenge was to become a abstaining because I was seemingly permanent one. whole. If someone offered me a beer or a joint I was no longer turning it Choosing to evolve is both a blessing down because I was in recovery, I was and a curse: that is our reality. It is turning it down because I’d become a a blessing because we will forever version of myself that simply didn’t see the world differently, we will live

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in the world with more tenacity and we will experience heights the masses only dream about. And yet, the more we evolve the thinner the herd, the less relatable we become to anyone who isn’t awake in their lives. We become mirrors for the suffering, whether we want to be or not. Simply by existing as spiritual and connected beings, we shine a reflection at the wounded, reminding them of what they have yet to embrace.

As I think of it now, I remember the feeling well. I recall being stuck in the confines of my agonizing life back then and bumping into the odd spiritual pilgrim, who seemed content in a way that I feared I was unable to be. I feared that even if I tried, I would be the exception: I would be the one it wouldn’t work for. And so I chewed my bit at them, I scoffed them in my mind. And now I must accept my turn at being misunderstood.

I must accept that in my most peaceful moments, I will now become a target for the still suffering. In time I have grown thicker skin, and developed a type of compassion that protects me from scarring. I have become a stronger version of myself, one that carves a place to exist contentedly despite the tumultuous terrain. I wouldn’t trade this position for the world, but I’d be lying if I said I saw this coming.

Dee Christensen Editor in Chief

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TOP10 TIPS

By Kimberley-Robyn Covey

For Job

Seekers

1. KNOW YOUR RIGHTS

3. BE REALISTIC Be realistic. Do not apply for jobs that you will be automatically disqualified from. For example, if you were once caught stealing gold chains to support your habit, do not apply at a jewellery store. If you wrote fraudulent checks out of desperation, do not apply at a bank. Focus on attainable opportunities and you will be less likely to get discouraged.

Be humble. Don’t go in expecting to start at the top. Most of us have a blemished past where employment is concerned: sick days, short stints of employment, criminal records and even gaps missing from our employment history.

Remember that if you are given an opportunity, your employer may be hesitant to start you off in a position with a lot of responsibility. Be willing to start small, work your way up and gain the trust of your employer. Do what it takes to teach your employer who you are as a person in recovery; a reliable, loyal and eager member of the team.

7. PREPARATION IS KEY

Know the company you are applying to work for. Research important facts and when you land an interview, be sure to incorporate this data into the conversation. Knowing information about the company itself shows commitment and willingness to be a part of the team, and this enthusiasm might help the employer to disregard a minor criminal record or mention of previous addiction.

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Network like crazy! Let all your friends, community and family know that you are actively seeking a job.

If someone who knows you and likes you, she or he might advocate on your behalf to a potential employer.

A referral can certainly increase the likelihood of getting your foot in the door.

5. BE HUMBLE

First and foremost, know your rights! Know which questions you are required to answer and which ones breach your human rights. Do not be afraid to refuse to answer inappropriate questioning. In most instances we are not required to disclose a diagnosis of addiction to an employer.

Put off disclosing your record as long as possible. This gives people an opportunity to get to know you a bit and like you before they hear damaging info.

2. KNOW THE COMPANY

4. NETWORK

When it comes to acing an interview, preparation is everything. Know the dress code, show up for the interview early and be sure to practice some of the most frequently asked questions (“Why do you want to work for this company?” “What is your greatest strength/weakness?”

“If we spoke to some of your old colleagues, how would they describe you?”). Be relaxed and knowledgeable, and prepare a list of questions for the interviewer. Remember, you are interviewing them as much as they are interviewing you!

6. BE HONEST Be honest! Although it may seem easier to lie on applications when it comes to damaging information, please know that most employers will conduct a background check and if you are caught lying you will most certainly not get hired.

However, if you tell the truth you may find that the employer appreciates your candor about past mistakes and may be willing to consider giving you a second chance.

8. UTILIZE RESOURCES Use the services of career counsellors, they can help with resume writing, proper job searching and most of them even have access to employment databases that may come in handy. Use the services of non profit agencies whose mandate is to help challenged individuals find employment. Get connected to a job developer who may be able to create an ideal position for you and to advocate on your behalf. Our first instinct might be to tell ourselves we can do it alone, but we know better than anyone that there is strength in numbers.

9. BE AN ENTREPRENEUR Create your own position. Start a dog walking business or a neighborhood landscaping firm or a professional writing service. Figure out what you love, and find a means of monetizing it. Take out books from the local library on ‘How to Start Your Own Business’ and write a proper business plan. There’s a business out there with your name on it, maybe it’s time to chart your own course.

PRE-EMPLOYMENT PERSONAL LIFE MANAGEMENT PROGRAM

10. DO NOT GET DISCOURAGED! Whatever you do, do not get discouraged. You will find employment eventually so do not give up. Try not to feel too bad if you do not land a job right away. Be patient, and remain diligent. And remember, people who are hesitant to hire you because of your past mistakes might not be the kind of employer you would want to work for anyway.

Trust the process and do not pause for self-pity. Dust yourself off and keep moving forward.

If you have been discriminated against because of your addiction issues or past criminal conviction, then get in touch with your local Human Rights Commission and find out what you can do to protect yourself. Finding a balance between accepting your limitations and being your own advocate is important. Sometimes we must live with the results of our indiscretions, but sometimes we must draw a line and defend ourselves. Know your rights; knowledge is power.

This five week program for Ontario Works recipients who are in early recovery (30 days to 6 months) gives the opportuinity to an individual to be in the position to make decisions about their future. The program focuses on self-assessment, life skills, pre-employment skills, basic computer literacy training and educational/employment options in a group setting; with the added benefit of one-on-one personal support.

Choose your commitments carefully, learn to say no and don’t spread yourself too thin. This is easier said than done, but it’s surprising how often we find ourselves in a pit and realize afterwards that we voluntarily dug it and leapt inside it without a second thought. It’s not easy setting limits, but rest assured, you are not the only one who suffers when you don’t.

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By Darlene Lancer JD, MFT Author of “Codependency for Dummies”

PERFECTIONISM Perfectionism is an addiction, meaning we’re repeatedly unable to stop our perfectionist behaviors. Like other addictions, perfectionism varies in severity and can have negative consequences. It harms our self-esteem, makes us unable to accept other people’s differences and their mistakes and flaws, and it can rob us of time with them. We require that things look or be done in a specific, “correct” way in accordance with our perfectionist standards.

Some perfectionists attempt to perfect their bodies with repeated surgeries or pursue athleticism to the point of injury. Severe perfectionism has also been linked to anorexia, depression, and even suicide.

Perfectionists are chasing an illusion that exists only in their mind. Telling perfectionists that they look fine or that their home or project is excellent is of no use. Their image of how things should be bears little correlation to reality. They will continue to find flaws and have difficulty taking pleasure in compliments or satisfaction from their efforts. Perfectionism demands that we achieve what is humanly impossible. Hence, perfectionists don’t accept themselves or their own humanity. Self-acceptance is a foreign concept. The thought of being average is horrifying and would mean being inferior, what they fear, but also what they actually believe. They never feel good enough and live with a harsh inner judge that tyrannizes them with how they should act, what they should have

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done differently or should be doing that they’re not.

They’re sensitive to criticism, because it mirrors the doubts perfectionists have about themselves and their work. A negative reaction from someone overshadows positive feedback they receive. Dreading criticism, some perfectionists hide their mistakes and only take credit for the positive they do.

Their behavior reflects underlying shame – not feeling good enough as a person in some way, such as looks, character, physical prowess, or intelligence. They unconsciously imagine that achieving perfection would make them feel worthwhile. Perfectionism compensates for deep-seated shame about which perfectionists are generally unaware.

Because perfection is relative and an illusion, a perfectionist is always chasing it. Hence, a perfectionist is continually failing and unable to enjoy the results of their efforts. When success is achieved, pride of accomplishment is only fleetingly enjoyed, if at all, because there is always a flaw or higher bar to surpass. For example gratification from receiving an “A” on a test can be spoiled if they made a mistake or a teacher’s comments were anything but complimentary. Upon winning the highly coveted Oscar for Best Actor, Matthew McConaughey aptly described his perfectionism as always chasing his future self, knowing

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he’ll never catch up. He proudly declared, “My hero is always 10 years away . . . to keep on chasing.” In actuality, perfectionists are constantly running away from their inner critic, and the pursuit of their imaginary ideal provides ongoing ammunition for self-criticism.

This is the perfectionists’ trap. Their defensive solution to shame creates more of it.

The seeds of shame and perfectionism lie in childhood and often accompany codependency. Parents who are over-correcting, controlling, abusive, punitive, or unpredictable can create insecurity and doubt in their children. Children imagine that if they perform flawlessly or are perfectly good, they will be accepted or that their parents won’t argue, that Mommy will be happy or Daddy won’t drink. Other parents encourage perfectionism by pressuring their children to perform, achieve unrealistic goals, or only approve of them based upon their performance. Even bright children, as well as perfectionist adults, quit or avoid learning new things to avoid feeling like a failure during the learning process when mistakes are unavoidable. Parents should empathize with their children’s sense of failure when they make mistakes.

Perfectionists fear exposing mistakes or a sloppy or inferior performance or appearance. Several decades ago, the plaster of my living room wall had to be patched due to earthquake damage. (I live in California, so this literally goes with the territory.) The plasterer did his best to match the rest of the wall, but the original plaster had a variegated, mottled texture, and the new plaster didn’t match. Probably no one else would have noticed, but I did. It wasn’t perfect, and I was frustrated. My perfectionism was activated. It occurred to me that my fixation on the plaster symbolized my concerns about exposing my own imperfections. With that awareness, I was able to let it go.

As with any addiction, changing habits and the compulsive behavior associated with perfectionism isn’t always so easy. But it’s entirely possible to have high standards and realistic goals without the compulsive, driven quality of perfectionism and without the destructive side effects, as well. My ebook 10 Steps to Self-Esteem can help you raise your self-esteem and end self-criticism. Look for my coming ebook on overcoming perfectionism. ©Darlene Lancer, 2014

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By Kimberley-Robyn Covey

Society, Stereotypes, Second chances: Addicts and the Employment Challenge

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Suzie J is a single working mom who has been in recovery for 11 years. She has not had a drink or a drug since 2002.

In the past decade not only has she paid off all of her fines for the shoplifting charges she incurred while in the throes of addiction, she has also made individual amends to each of the stores she stole from in keeping with her 12 step program.

After two years of clean time and struggling with low paying, physically demanding jobs, she returned to school and pursued post secondary education to increase her opportunities. She was fortunate to land a job in a socially conscious non profit organization that hired her with full knowledge of her past.

Suzie stayed with this organization for 6 years, working her way from entry level receptionist to programming director.

is like to be a recovering addict or alcoholic searching for employment in Ontario. One survey shows that between onethird and one-half of people with psycho-social or addiction issues report being turned down for a job for which they were qualified, had experienced dismissal or were forced to resign.

Those who do manage to enter the workforce are routinely hired in low-wage, low skill jobs with few prospects for advancement or stability. Quite often menial jobs well beneath the jobseeker’s skill level are taken out of desperation... a tough blow to a hypersensitive self-esteem.

A study by the Ontario Human Rights Commission entitled “Minds That Matter” exposes the painful reality of what it

Out of the darkness of alcoholism or addiction, hope for the future and for a better life is the motivating light that keeps

Many addicts are subjected to hiring processes that ask questions about people’s medical history for jobs that do not require this knowledge. Many individuals in recovery Without warning, the organization’s funding dried up and it are also asked if they have ever been arrested and are at a had to close it’s doors. Suzie was given a glowing letter of disadvantage immediately. recommendation to assist in her job search.

Dr Adi Jaffe, a renowned addiction consultant and executive Suzie has been searching for work ever since…for over director of Alternatives Behavioral Health and lecturer at a year now. She has landed multitudes of interviews due to UCLA wrote a 2012 article published on CNN health entitled, her experience and recommendations. She is well spoken and “5 Damaging Myths about Addiction...” composed at meetings with hiring managers and HR people.

Initially her interviews always go well; however, as soon as she In this article he shared his own challenges in overcoming replies truthfully as to whether she has a criminal record or the stigma attached to being in recovery. Despite the fact that addiction issues, the opportunities are swiftly withdrawn.

Jaffe had already received a Ph.D., has been clean and sober for more than 10 years, and had already undergone three years After living a drug free and honorable life for 11 years, plus of previous drug testing he was still required to finish another having had a stellar career as programming director , and as 3 years of testing before he could earn his psychology license. a currently active community volunteer, Suzie states , “ It is This attitude of suspicion, labelling and condemning addicts terribly frustrating and discouraging to be denied jobs that as ‘unsalvageable’is disturbing and very discouraging to those I am actually overqualified for because I shoplifted in 2002 fighting for a better life. when I was a starving, desperate addict”.

Jaffe states, “Addiction is plagued by myths and “I am fortunate that I have already been living in sobriety misinformation that were created to scare our children away for so long. I don’t know if I would have made it through all the from drugs. But these haven’t succeeded and have actually rejection and disappointments if I were an addict or alcoholic made it harder for addicts to return to a normal life…” in early sobriety” she adds.

The myth that causes greatest damage to a recovered/ “I can see why some people just give up trying to fit in to recovering person’s chances for employment is the assumption society …on some days it just seems impossible” by many non-addicts that active addiction is for life, that addicts and alcoholics will always be obsessed with using or Suzie admits that even with her strong recovery program, drinking. it is getting harder to tell the truth at interviews, especially when it’s a job she really wants. It becomes a very tough call “This simply isn’t true,” Jaffe continues, “and it places for her. Although honesty is the mainstay of her recovery from a huge emotional and psychological burden on recovered addiction, so is having a job to support her family. addicts. Addiction is on a spectrum, like depression, and every person is different. While there are plenty of cases where Myths and stereotypes addicts struggle for years to overcome drug addiction, many more cases reveal the opposite- users who manage to put the Our culture perpetuates fear based stereotypes about past behind them and lead normal and productive lives. “ addicts and routinely closes doors on people who are genuinely trying to rebuild their lives. This same society that Equally destructive is our culture’s deeply ingrained idea continuously shouts the importance of overcoming drug and that former drug and alcohol abusers are “damaged goods” alcohol addiction and puts the onus on addicts to become who are unable to function normally, follow directions or be ‘contributing members of society,’ regularly denies giving reliable workers, prompting employers to widely discriminate people the opportunity to do just that! against addicts in their hiring practices.

people in recovery. Getting a job is an essential ingredient in incentives. successful rehabilitation. Sadly, systemic discrimination and repeated employment rejection often destroys hope and, in First of all, employers need to be shown the value in some sad cases, can actually drive people back to the familiar hiring recovering addicts otherwise there will be no reason world of drugs and alcohol. for them to consider it. The benefits must be presented in a way that would enable hirers to see that there is an entire The Ontario Human Rights Commission states that work, wealth of skilled, experienced employees in the recovery paid or unpaid, is a fundamental part of realizing dignity, self- community, eager and willing to work with a heightened sense determination and a person’s full potential in society. In this of responsibility and honesty. province there is legislation designed to protect employment seekers from discrimination based on disability, which includes Employers and the public in general need a better knowledge addictions. However, the truth of the matter is that even with of the recovery process. Most importantly is the knowledge legislation in place, discrimination remains widespread. If the that while, on a rare occasion, a worker may relapse, the person has a criminal record due to past actions while under longer he is in recovery the less likely he is to go back to the influence of drugs or alcohol during active addiction, she is his former destructive lifestyle . Chances are with the right usually turned away before even having a chance to prove her encouragement and a secure job, he’ll stay in recovery like ability or explain her circumstances. the thousands of other gainfully employed Canadian addicts who are quietly getting on with their lives and whom are good, Experts in treatment and recovery estimate that when a reliable, trustworthy workers. Most addicts are genuinely recovering addict is honest about her past, she will still get thankful for their job opportunities and willing to work very turned down for a job 75% of the time, despite the fact that hard to express their gratitude. Mutual understanding and our Human Rights legislation outlaws these practices. These respect creates a win –win situation. bigoted practices continue to flourish, primarily because few recovering addicts want to fight it, most don’t have the We addicts, ourselves, must take the time to know our confidence or resources and many are not even aware that rights. We must learn what disability-related information we they have rights under the code. At the end of the day, most are required to provide and which questions are unlawful. We addicts/alcoholics just want to move forward with their lives. must learn to not be afraid to refuse to answer inappropriate questioning. Many of us do not know that we do not have Addiction is a complex issue that overrides other factors to disclose a diagnosis of addiction to an employer and including qualification for the position. The negative stigma consequently end up shooting ourselves in the foot during an attached to the word ‘addiction’ has an impact on the interview. employer’s attitude because, simply, the employer’s goal is to hire the best person for the job. In the employer’s mind Equally as important is education for employers around the hiring an addict may mean that perhaps more effort has to go criminal records issue. Statistics show that approximately 13 into watching and supervising the new employee and in being percent of all Canadians have a criminal record. The majority prepared with a contingency plan… just in case. Adding to the percentage of those record holders are addicts/alcoholics. problem is the continued bad press about addicts and alarming Although these are often usually minor offences committed relapse statistics, including a recent American survey of during active addiction, they become major obstacles to people in recovery that found that 46% had relapsed, and of getting hired. those, 30% had slipped several times.

It is common to see someone convicted of something as For people who aren’t familiar with the process of recovery, trivial as stealing a pack of cheese 10 years ago being refused and who have fallen prey to addict stereotypes portrayed on an entry level job in an unrelated environment like a call TV and in the movies, the real or imagined potential cost and center. As soon as employers hear the words ‘criminal record,’ counter productive consequences of hiring an employee who they often think of major crimes and immediately make a may relapse is a very big barrier to overcome. In most cases, decision not to hire, when in reality most addict crimes are if an employer has a choice between hiring an addict or a non petty crimes of poverty and desperation. In order to break the addicted individual for the same position, the employer will go systemic rejection of people with records, it is important for for the person who is not addicted. individuals to stand up to unfair practices.

It is a delicate matter. While on the one hand, addicts need Employers and addicts should know that record of offense to be able to access gainful employment, employers do need to is also a protected ground under the Ontario Human Rights be able to make good hiring decisions for their business.

Code. There are guidelines to help job seekers and employers to understand what can be asked and what falls under the Creating opportunity and productivity together. category of discrimination.

SOUTHERN ONTARIO COCAINE ANONYMOUS The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop using cocaine and all mind-altering substances.

TELEPHONE 1-866-6-CA-INFO 1-866-622-4636 416-927-7858

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their lives.

Pro active government wage subsidies applicable to hiring rehabilitated addicts would also encourage more businesses to take advantage of the employable resources in this demographic.

Quite regularly we hear negative stories of how addicts have broken the law, of how they have fallen asleep on the job or have gotten in major trouble at the workplace.

Sadly, we never get to see a front page headline that reads, “recovered lady alcoholic wins employee of the month award at prestigious advertising agency “or former crack cocaine addict puts in overtime to help develop health care strategies for underprivileged kids” but... that IS what thousands of us do on a daily basis.

Keep the faith and don’t ever give up. Be proud of who you have become, always do your best and show ‘em why you’re worth it!

How can the business community and the recovery Finally, an incentive tax break program should be developed community work together to create opportunity and that would reward employers who open their doors to former productivity for both sides? The answer lies in education and addicts who have been rehabilitated and are trying to rebuild

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By Terrence Daryl Shulman, JD,LMSW,ACSW,CAADC,CPC Founder and Director of The Shulman Center for Compulsive Theft, Spending & Hoarding Author of, “Cluttered Lives, Empty Souls: Compulsive Stealing, Spending & Hoarding”

follow a financial advisor’s counsel. Assessing spending as addictive or compulsive behavior is similar to assessing any other: look for loss of control, increased tolerance, negative consequences, withdrawal symptoms such as preoccupation, denial, lying, etc.

Bought Out and $pent!

Consider the following statistics:

• 17 Million Americans (roughly 6 percent of the population) are compulsive spenders (Stanford University Study, 2006) • Nearly half of all compulsive spenders are men (Stanford University Study, 2006) • Arguments over money and spending are the primary reason for couples’ conflict or divorce (Money Smart Life, 2009) • The average credit card debt per American household is $10,678—mostly from unnecessary purchases (Center for American Progress, 2009)

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1) Have you ever lost time from work or school due to shopping/spending?

2) Has shopping/spending ever created problems in your relationships?

3) Has shopping/spending ever affected your reputation or people’s opinion of you?

4) Have you ever felt guilt, shame, or remorse after shopping/spending?

5) Do you have trouble with debt or paying your bills?

6) Do shopping/spending ever cause a decrease in your ambition or efficiency?

7) Did you ever experience a “high” or “rush” of excitement when you shop or spend?

8) Have you ever shopped/spent to escape worries?

Compulsive $hopping and $pending We all have money issues and, with the current economy, now more than ever. The bubble has burst as individuals, families, companies, and governments come to terms with overspending and living beyond our means. We were given easy credit, no money down, and promised “The American Dream.” Look what’s happened?

Americans work longer hours, take less vacation time, have more health issues such as lack of sleep, depression, anxiety, and obesity, and report less overall satisfaction with life. As we continue to emulate and chase the lifestyles of the “rich and famous,” we pay a devastating toll—individually and collectively.

Yet, it is strange that in our capitalist culture money is also taboo—perhaps more than sex. We talk fairly openly about sex.

But when was the last time we told even a close family member or friend exactly how much we earn per year, how much we spend, how much we owe? Do we even know ourselves?

Presumably, we know just as little about the financial details of others who are close to us. Why is this? Is there fear? Is there shame?

Something is going on. You’ve probably noticed a growing trend over the last decade or so. We see it from Suze Orman to Dave Ramsey, from Oprah’s Debt Diet to A&E TV’s Big Spender. Books, articles, television and radio shows—calls near and far—are sounding the alarm about our individual and collective problems with debt and spending. A dangerous mindset has taken root: spend now and worry later—or, better yet, don’t worry at all! The easy access of the Internet and Home Shopping TV make shopping and spending as addictive

The Shulman Center 20 Question Assessment

as crack cocaine.

Mixed messages are all around us. We still have the hyperconsumerism best illustrated by the blossoming of magazines and TV shows pushing the lure of haute couture and mocking— tongue-in-cheek—the excesses of shopping and spending— from Sex in The City to the Confessions of a Shopaholic novella which was released as a major motion picture earlier this year. We were prodded to shop after 9/11 and we’re still being encouraged to shop and spend to help the overall economy.

But if we don’t shop wisely, don’t save, don’t invest, and don’t buy good health insurance and have enough left over for the kids’ college and our own retirement—that’s not good for the economy or us.

In the addiction/recovery field, it has long been noted that many addicts seem to have money manageability issues.

Many relapses also occur when money stresses pile up. Yet, we have been slow to assess and treat shopping and spending behaviors as part of good overall recovery foundation. In fact, the notion that shopping and spending can be addictive behaviors has only recently gained some acceptance.

In 2006, a landmark Stanford University study concluded that something else may better describe the phenomenon that is growing among millions of people. It is called “compulsive buying disorder.” For simplicity’s sake, I will be using a preferred term: “compulsive spending.” While still controversial—there’s a tendency to call it “poor money management”—it opens a new window towards prevention and treatment of persons whose spending may not be helpable through conventional approaches such as just cutting up credit cards or trying to www.recoverywiremagazine.com

We’ve all heard the old saying: “you can’t solve most issues with money or things.” Most of us have experienced this lesson. We see how “the rich and famous” still have problems.

We’ve heard the stories of lottery winners who blow their money all too quickly, fall into depression or addictions, or who end up saying they wish they’d never won. Yet, millions of us still buy into the fantasy that more money or more things will make us happy. As with any addiction, nobody starts off planning to get out of control. Nobody starts off intending to get into debt, lie, hide purchases, or become obsessed with shopping, spending money, or with things. The shame for most compulsive spenders and is palpable—as if to be revealed as flaky, irresponsible, superficial or materialistic—cracks in an otherwise common façade of perfection and order. But compulsive spending tends to happen a little at a time. It’s insidious. Our culture conspires to create “super consumers” out of all of us.

What makes assessment, treatment, and recovery more challenging for most compulsive spenders are several factors: one, the behavior is legal; two, most if not all people shop/ spend; three, it’s an activity that’s greatly encouraged by advertising and by social culture; it’s easily accessible even from home; and stopping shopping and spending (complete abstinence) is unrealistic and not even the primary goal. As with eating disorders, sexual addiction, and codependency, the client who overspends needs to learn to have a healthy relationship with money, credit, and things so that his or her spending comes from a place of choice, balance and appropriateness rather than from a place of emotional need, escape, or emptiness.

The following scale can be useful in assessing problem shopping or spending. It is modeled after the Debtors Anonymous 15 Question scale. This scale can be found at www. debtorsanonymous.org and also www.shopaholicsanonymous. org. www.recoverywiremagazine.com

9) Has shopping/spending caused you to have difficulty eating or sleeping?

10) Do arguments, disappointments or frustrations create an urge to shop or spend?

11) Have you noticed that you began shopping or spending more frequently over time?

12) Have you ever considered self-destruction or suicide as a result of your shopping/spending?

13) Upon stopping over-shopping or overspending did you continue to be tempted/preoccupied by it?

14) Have you kept your shopping/spending a secret from most of those you are close to?

15) Have you told yourself “this is my last time” and still over-shopped or overspent?

16) Have you continued to shop or spend despite having had legal issues such as bankruptcy or divorce?

17) Do you often feel a need for control or tend toward perfectionism?

18) Do you have issues with clutter or hoarding the items you’ve purchased?

19) Have you purchased items that you’ve never, if rarely, even used?

20) Do you have trouble speaking up for yourself, asking for help, or saying “no”?

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Most compulsive shoppers or spenders will answer yes to at least seven (7) of these questions.

A simplified 6-item 2008 test for “compulsive buying” was administered along with a survey that revealed that nearly 9 percent of a sample of 550 university staff members, mostly women, would be considered compulsive buyers.

Nancy Ridgway and Monika Kukar-Kinney of The University of Richmond and Kent Monroe of The University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign and The University of Richmond developed the test.

This test includes six statements, for which individuals answer on a 7-point scale from strongly disagree to strongly agree: • • • • • •

My closet has unopened shopping bags in it.

Others might consider me a “shopaholic.”

Much of my life centers around buying things.

I buy things I don’t need.

I buy things I did not plan to buy.

I consider myself an impulse purchaser.

Respondents who score 25 or higher would be considered compulsive buyers.

“We are living in a consumption-oriented society and have been spending ourselves into serious difficulty,” says researcher Kent Monroe, a marketing professor. “Compulsive buying is an addiction that can be harmful to the individual, families, relationships. It is not just something that only afflicts low-income people.” Monroe and his colleagues found compulsive buying was linked to materialism, reduced selfesteem, depression, anxiety, and stress. Compulsive shoppers had positive feelings associated with buying, and they also tended to hide purchases, return items, have more family arguments about purchases, and have more maxed-out credit cards. For compulsive shoppers with higher incomes, money matters could be non-existent. A dwindling bank account is just one of the upshots of shopping ‘til you drop. Others include family conflicts, stress, depression, and loss of self-esteem.

Through my research and my work with clients, I’ve distilled some of the most common psychological reasons people compulsively shop or spend. These are similar with most other addictions as well:

Top Ten Reasons People Overspend 1. Grief and Loss, To Fill the Void 2. Anger/Life is Unfair, To Get Back/Make Life Right 3. Depression, To Get a Lift 4. Anxiety, To Comfort 5. Acceptance/Competition, To Fit In 6. Power/Control, To Counteract Feeling Lost/Powerless 7. Boredom/Excitement, To Live on the Edge 8. Shame/Low self-esteem, To Be Good at Something Some other sub-categories of compulsive include 9.

Entitlement/Reward, To Compensate forspenders Over-giving the 10.following: Rebellion/Initiation, To Break into Own Identity 20

Types of Shoppers. Which one are you?

Compulsive Shoppers The classic compulsive shopper tends to shop to avoid or suppress a core of pain—usually from trauma or loss. The compulsive shopper may shop fairly consistently or become triggered by something recent and then go shopping as an automatic response to distract from painful or uncomfortable emotions.

Trophy Shoppers Trophy shoppers tend to need to be the best at everything and, thus, to have the best of everything. The trophy shopper— regardless of income level—seeks to find the perfect accessory for outfits, high end items—be they art, furniture, clothes, and—often—the more rare or hard to find, the better.

Image Shoppers Image shoppers are similar to trophy shoppers on the surface because they tend to buy nice things, too. Their motivation is different, however. The image shopper buys things less for the inherent value of the items themselves and more for the image those items project to others. The image shopper needs to impress others more than the trophy shopper does.

Bargain Shoppers Bargain shoppers are driven by the need to get a good deal— regardless of income level. It boosts their mood, their selfesteem and symbolically soothes their pervasive feeling of being shortchanged in some area of their lives. They often buy things they don’t need but feel are too hard to pass up.

Codependent Shoppers Codependent shoppers primarily buy things for other people to gain love and approval and to keep others from leaving or abandoning them. They feel their primary worth or value is what they can give to others.

Bulimic Shoppers Bulimic shoppers are sometimes referred to as “binge shoppers.” They may have relatively short or episodic outbursts of excessive shopping—usually during times of stress. Bulimic shoppers—like bulimic eaters—may also engage in a pattern of “bingeing and purging:” shopping and then returning the items almost immediately after purchase; the initial buying is cathartic but then guilt or ambivalence sets in so the returning also brings relief.

Collector Shoppers Collector shoppers are similar to trophy shoppers in that they typically are focused more on attaining or accumulating items for personal satisfaction rather than to impress others. Unlike trophy shoppers, collector shoppers don’t necessarily have to possess the best or hard to find items; rather, the collector shopper typically becomes obsessed with having complete sets of something to feel empowered or in control. Collector shoppers are often hoarders. www.recoverywiremagazine.com

Spenders vs. Shoppers There are people who are less concerned with “things” than experiences or who may make occasional—rather than frequent—purchases that are financially excessive.

Overspenders may splurge on dining out, vacations, theater and concerts, hosting parties, weddings, or gatherings, or may exceed their budget on cars, homes, an engagement ring, or other “lifestyle” purchases.

Deprivation vs. Overindulgence One quick, relatively effective way to understand why many people overspend is to explore early childhood upbringing patterns. I’ve found that most compulsive spenders fall into two basic groups: those who were brought up spoiled or overindulged (materially and/or emotionally) and those who were brought up neglected or deprived (materially and/ or emotionally). The first group essentially continues the behaviors/lifestyle they were modeled; the second group attempts to “make up for” what was not given, what they wanted or felt they deserved or were owed. There may also be a mixed group—those who were showered materially but neglected emotionally and so shopping or spending develops to fill an endless emotional void.

Thus, while no parent is perfect, we have seen a trend in the last decade or so of parents spoiling and overindulging their children—creating a culture of entitlement. What would it be like if we actually taught children about money at an early age? Why not teach them about saving and spending and how to value things while also valuing “things other than things”? Further, when working with families and couples, all of the key dynamics play themselves out in the financial arena.

People’s shopping/spending may be related to issues of power and control, trust and mistrust, commitment, belonging, and caring.

While our current economic downturn may have slowed or scared straight many compulsive shoppers and spenders— with less disposable income and harder-to-obtain credit— it has created financial and emotional stress which have exacerbated the addiction for many more. Even compulsive spenders are born every minute as the urge to “snap up” beyond-belief bargains escalates. Fortunately, now is a great time to examine and reset our spending habits as there’s a new frugality that’s in vogue.

We each need to stop, take a breath, and calm ourselves in the sea of endless desire and consumption. Either we can try to satisfy all our desires in a rush and then burst or we can learn to spread out our desires and enjoy life for real. As mental health professionals, we need to learn about our own money and consumerist tendencies and assist our clients in prevention and treatment of this growing problem. I’ve had many clients report that they’ve gone to counselors who didn’t understand compulsive spending as real problems and oversimplified or minimized it with comments such as “oh, everybody overspends a little from time to time,” or “just cut

up your credit cards and avoid the stores.”

The most successful treatment for compulsive spending may include the following: specialized counseling, support group attendance, reading, medication (Naltrexone and Celexa have been studied and used), trigger avoidance/management, increased support system, and new hobby/goal development.

Compulsive spending is a serious disorder that requires sensitive and aggressive treatment. The good news is that, like with other addictions—especially food, sex, and codependency—people can learn why they are really spending and make real and healthier choices that help them live their best lives, financially, emotionally, and in relationships.

Copyright by Terrence Daryl Shulman 2012

Dianne Piaskoski BComm, BSc, MMath, MA

but’terfly effect` The “butterfly effect”is a term in chaos theory that depicts how one small change (the flap of a butterflies wings) in one place can result in a large and unpredictable change (a hurricane, say) in another place.

The same can be true when we make small changes in our lives.

Addictions Counselling (416) 522-9421 dianne@butterfly-effect.ca www. butterfly-effect.ca

By Dr. Vera Tarman M.D.

TheWounded

HEALER

I am looking down, watching the tears drip onto my shoes and slide onto the floor. I can’t look up at their faces, not yet. I am sitting in a circle of other doctors, dentists, and nurses who are all in recovery. We are professionals who have one thing in common: an addiction that has gotten in the way of our work.

Some of us, like me, called the helpline that is embedded in each of our trade journals. Others of us were mandated to come to this particular meeting in order to retain our license to work. There are a few members who have been here for more than five years. The elderly man sitting across from me is a psychiatrist who has been coming to this meeting weekly for sixteen years. He doesn’t go to twelve step meetings, as he prefers the security he gets here of not running into his patients.

I don’t understand why I am crying. I have already been to a number of twelve-step meetings, and have finally been able to say, “Hi, I am an alcoholic.” But right now, I can’t even look up into their faces – these people, who are health care professionals, like me.

I come from a work culture that values self-sacrifice and will power. After all, we have had to endure the long nights of call, with no sleep or food or even bathrooms breaks for hours at a stretch. Somewhere along the line, each of us cracked under the pressure.

Eventually when I sneak a peek up, I see that almost no one is looking at me. Most are staring ahead, seemingly absorbed in their own thoughts or just staring out the window. It feels like I am standing in an elevator, not making eye contact while listening to someone speak about something quite private, intensely personal. Well, at least it isn’t me talking, I think, as I try to settle my emotions which keep wanting to flare every time I think of the reason I am sitting here. I wonder about how my ‘cloak of competence,’ my professional veneer, has turned to become this burdensome cloak of shame.

Two months later, I am sitting in a session with a patient. She is laughing at herself, elaborating on a story of how she fell down drunk and had to be carted off to the ER. The nurses were huffy, she giggled, when

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she vomited in the bathroom. The doctor was impatient with her teary and elongated explanation of the accident. The other patients in the emergency room did not want to listen to her either. She chortles at her recollections, and then shrugs at me saying, “I know I was being stupid. Well… you wouldn’t understand.”

My smile freezes on my face. I feel inwardly offended. Of course I understand both the idiocy of that moment, and the jollity of the memory. Of course I do. I understand every single time a patient sighs at me, “Why do I do this again and again? I promised everyone I would stop, I really thought I would stop.” I get the frustration and the helplessness behind it. It is an empathic understanding that I thought she and I shared, but am I wrong? Does she really think I do not understand?

Then it hits me why she thinks this.

What does she know about me? It is a peculiar relationship we have, in some ways so ‘intimate’; I know her thoughts that she might not even tell her family or friends, and yet, she does not know anything about me.

I wonder if I should self disclose.

After being in ‘official’ recovery for some months, it occurred to me that I was not being honest with my patients.

I wasn’t expected to be. In fact I am mandated by my professional ethics to be friendly but private. I am supposed to engage in a one sided communication: “You tell me your secrets and I will tell you my advice about you, but I share nothing personal about myself.” Giving information to my patients could be imposing a personal dimension that could complicate our utilitarian relationship.

It could erode my credibility and my authoritative power. I am to keep strict professional boundaries and ensure that both of us always know that we are NOT friends.

This approach has worked for years. I have reasoned that patients do not want to hear my troubles, past or present, when they are there to offload theirs. I have often felt lonely, since these were people that I most identified with, more so than my professional colleagues

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In partnership with

or my non-addict friends. In retrospect, I think it has allowed me to hide, live vicariously in the relapses and recoveries of others without having to look at mine. As long as we were talking about YOUR addiction, we were not talking about mine.

I deliberately chose a home group away from where I would see patients. I got better at saying I was an alcoholic in meetings where no one knew me, but when I wore my professional hat, I felt this thick shame like a powerful snake about to envelope and squash me with its coils. When I saw a colleague in a meeting, I felt stupid, embarrassed. What was wrong with me that I was in this situation? How dare I work in the addiction field!

This attitude has changed as I have inevitably run into patients at twelve step meetings. “Heh, doing research?” some would ask. Others seemed really excited to see me and others just nodded from across the room. Some even said that they felt they could trust me more and take my advice more seriously.

Self-disclosure seemed welcomed or at the very least, neutral. The problem seemed to be mine.

I once admitted my discomfort to another doctor in recovery. He shook his head vehemently. “It’s good to tell the truth. Patients really do appreciate the honesty.” I admit I feel the very same way with my

addictions doctor, who has her own story of addiction and recovery. Even though we have disagreed on many issues, I always respect her opinions, while easily dismissing other colleagues who did not ‘get it.’

Standing up as a professional in recovery still takes all of the courage that I can muster. I admit, if I can leave it out of the conversation that I have with someone out of the rooms, like at work, I still do. If the situation feels safe for both of us, sometimes, I do venture out and see what happens.

Of course, there is the issue of providing safe boundaries. Migrating from those must be done with great caution and consideration for the other person’s situation. Sometimes self-disclosure drops like a stone, but other times it opens up a window of credibility I have never experienced before. I wonder now, would my patient have wanted to hear that I had a similar story of foolish behavior in a public place like the ER? Mostly I love the anonymity of the rooms, where I can leave my white coat behind. I don’t like to be reminded of my job, as when someone comes up and complains to me about their doctor or asks what medication they should take for an ailment. I love my job, but not when I am a ‘drunk like every body else in the room.’ It is hard to be both at the same time.

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By Aakilah Ade mirror to see who was speaking, I could see my mouth moving and I was not lying, it was me, and I meant it, I meant that I would be there, WTF. The program took away my fears and resentments long enough for me to be of use to my aunt, the woman who had a hand in shaping me and molding me.

My Greatest Fear

I spent a few days and nights with my aunt, supporting her, feeding, holding her body as she vomited bile into the sink, cleaning her. I could not believe the person I was in those moments. As a co-dependent it is not always in the best interest of my program to list all of my misdeeds to persons on my list who I have harmed, and this was one of those moments. It was not appropriate to rant about my program and my resentments to a woman trying to hold onto life. My amends came in the form of caring about and caring for, I did things I had not done before, I sat for hours at a time, watching my aunt sleep, fed her when she could tolerate fluids.

My aunt survived this episode, and we are close again, we talked about the family, we talked about each other, I did a lot of listening, I put my mouth in park which is her favourite saying. This amends is not over it will continue, I have held the resentments for many years; compassion is a lot lighter and easier to carry, I will carry this asset for the years to come.

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help me recognize and label the feeling and behavior of fear.

I also identified my rationalizations were a result of lingering resentments, “she does not need me, I would only be in the way.” I feared my aunt, I did not put her on my list of persons I needed to make amends to, after all she was the “bully” of the family, pushing us to excel, quoting phrases such as “failure is not an option, remove it from your mind and language.” I remember her reacting to my homosexuality and gender I got a call recently, by another aunt about aunt O. She was dysmorphic with: “what’s the big deal, when I was your age I not feeling well, she was weak, and unable to retain food or was too busy working, studying and making a difference in the fluids, she is 89 years old. I had two responses, one internal world to worry about those things.” I guess those words still and one external. Non-verbal responses are said to be more hurt and I resented her for them. honest as messages are altered with speech.

Fear still with me, I made the call to aunty O. There was a In the call I was told that my aunt was asking for me and feeble weak voice that I did not recognise as my aunt saying that she was quite ill and refusing to go to the hospital, out of “hello….” As we talked she struggled to get her words out, as my mouth came words of condolences, and lies of “what can I she talked my fears slowly crept away, as she talked compassion do to help?” “You can call your aunt,” was the answer that I slid into my dark and empty spaces that were reserved parking received, the one I did not want to hear. My mind went into the for family resentments. I spoke as an adult; she resonated as flight mode of fight or flight, my heart squeezed, my stomach a child, alone, scared, and ill. This was not the woman whom I rumbled, and my mouth continued with the lie… “Really? Why feared, she was no longer a bully, and she is my aunt in the final does she want me to call, I am not much use to her, after all she chapter of her storied life. has a lot of support from her friends, I would just be in the way.”

I am not sure who was speaking, but I heard the words, “I I had returned to the fearful and resentful person of my will be there aunt O, I will come right after work and we will twenties and thirties. My program was working enough to take a step at a time, I will be there for you.” I checked in the

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www.noel-wright.com

located in the Carrot Common

I have been estranged from 90% of my family for years. The matriarch of my maternal family is my aunt O. She is the elder who rose up out of the alcoholic home to achieve scholarships, pursued education and achieved career and financial success.

With these achievements came high expectations, demands for performances and intense scrutiny of the next generation, which included me.

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416-845-6635

www.recoverywiremagazine.com

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By Dee Christensen known the rest of his days as a blasphemer by the majoritypopulation of his time and beyond. When I contemplate my purpose here on earth I can’t help humbly acknowledging the vast size-difference between the mountains our forefathers/ mothers climbed and the road-bumps that cause me to reach for yet another Scooby-Doo Band-Aid.

BEYOND THE MAJORITY At times it seems suffering is a mass human malady, and such a vast majority have been infected that we’ve redefined “normal.” “Normal” is no longer a state of becoming akin to our soul’s desire; gone are the days when we accept those who make waves in our still bodies of water. We want stability, predictability; we settle for 9 to 5 jobs, safe investments and taking the same bus-route to work each day. It’s odd that at a time when one can push a button to alert their car to start, or the sound of one’s voice can activate a phone call, we still fear challenging the status quo.

A friend confessed to me last night that he wants to be famous. Initially the announcement seemed silly, and although I humored him lovingly, in the back of my mind I reserved a few small doubts and a dash of hesitation. Yet as our conversation continued I found myself subconsciously defending him from the doubtful comments others had been throwing him. Either they urged him to conform to the notion that spiritual enlightenment should be our goal and one couldn’t be enlightened whilst seeking infamy. Or on

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the flipside he was mocked for being unrealistic and setting goals based on fantasy rather than “normality”; perhaps if he’d shared with them a desire to invest in a sturdy mutual fund instead? Who’s to say how any of our destinies will unfold; the older I get the more I’m convinced one moves closer to “spiritual enlightenment” when they begin to listen to the whisper inside themselves, regardless of how much it might oppose the notions of the general consensus. Now that’s independence.

In 1831 Charles Darwin set out on the HMS Beagle and would eventually discover his theory of evolution by natural selection. By the end of his journey he would spend 3 years and 3 months on land and a total of 18 months at sea. A journey that was originally to be limited to 2 years became a total of 5 years; half a decade spent collecting geological, biological and anthropological samples. When pondering the details of such a journey one cannot help feeling shrunken to a disgraceful size; the man had to forgo all forms of instant gratification for a 5-year sentence only to invariably be

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I doubt Charles Darwin was held back by unreasonable bank fees or an unjust rise in taxes or gas prices. I bet he didn’t care that everyone surrounding him thought he’d be better off churning butter. I imagine he was perfectly content to take periodic breaks from dirt-collecting and autonomously relieve his manhood on the nearest rock whilst unsuspecting turtles kept him company. I imagine Mr. Darwin was seemingly content on his grandiose journey of changing the face of humanism as we know it, serene in the knowledge that his own whisper was being sounded like a beacon of hope for independent thought. Ah the plight of being a leader. And sadly the best leaders aren’t recognized as such until their notoriety is so vast that they’re no longer available for over-due praise. A basic truth is that in order to follow the dreams which force us to color outside the lines, we must first accept that the journey itself and our own personal satisfaction might be the only compensation we receive. The rise to infamy must be a lonely climb indeed; an isolation the rest of us measure as too large a sum to risk for the mere possibility of reaching our embattled triumph.

access to it than money. Jonas Salk challenged the status quo. In 1936, a Muslim community in Kenya welcomed the birth of a young goat herder who would eventually win a scholarship and follow his academic dreams to Hawaii. In 1961 this same man would welcome the birth of his own son, who would become future President Barack Obama. Father and son, challenged the status quo.

We live in a time when anything is possible, and yet the dreams we afford ourselves are budgeted morsels of what could be realized if we closed our eyes and leapt. Every new generation brings with it exclusive practices the weaker minded masses will chase until our next brave leader emerges. And sad as it might be, the truth is most of us make mechanical assumptions that the person in line next to us has a better shot of taking the stage than we do. Perhaps we see our dreams as silly; we focus on the outcome while forgetting that the process of committing to our own voyage is the point. It was an absent-minded biologist committed to researching a strain of bacteria, who left a culture dish to mold while on a holiday, and later discovered penicillin. It was one woman in 1955 after a long day of work, too weary to trudge to the back of a bus, who would unknowingly inspire the start of the entire Civil Rights Movement.

Our moments of infamy do not begin when we’re celebrated, but instead when no one at all is paying attention. Our resolve is born in the smallest of moments, when we commit to our It’s strange to imagine that the more we accomplish on own liberation regardless of the majority. It took lifetimes to this planet, the less each individual seems to think they can assemble our status quo, but mere whispers to redefine it. do. We’ve sent buckets of people into space, made talking gas-pumps and space-age communicating devices; yet try painting your front door a color the masses haven’t deemed as an appropriate door-color. Try serving goat at your next dinner party. We’re a society of conformity and we’ve drifted so far in one direction it’s rare anyone questions where all these rules came from. Who decided this is where the grooves would be, and why are we so threatened by the rare and brave pilgrims who wish to tread new-ground?

Why can’t we naturally embrace them instead of mock them unless they prove us wrong?

In the late 1920’s, a poor black woman living in the segregated South stacked boards in a sawmill to survive the Great Depression. She gave birth to two sons; the first drowned in a portable laundry tub. The second son, born in 1930, would be blind before his 8th birthday. The child would eventually grow up to become Mr. Ray Charles, who challenged the status-quo. In 1910 the world welcomed Agnes Gonxha Bojaxhiu of Macedonia, the daughter of a successful merchant who had high hopes for all three of his children. Little Agnes had a peculiar aspiration at 12 years old that she wanted to be a missionary when she grew up.

By the time she was 18 years old, the world would meet Mother Theresa, who challenged the status quo. New York 1915, two Russian-Jewish immigrants welcomed the birth of their son Jonas. The child grew to become Jonas Salk, who discovered a vaccine for Polio and declined a patent on the vaccine, saying he was more concerned with people having

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