The Moses Mistake by Rick Scholz (rscholz@comcast.net)
Theories abound regarding the source of the recent fire at The Cathedral of Notre Dame. This may seem a little silly but my usual unreliable sources report that Moses was in the tower that day. Yes, that Moses, and yes, it is somewhat odd that this Old Testament "Parter of Seas" was hanging out in this particular New Testament 'French' Palace of God, but then, Moses was always a restless soul. I guess floating in a basket made from bulrushes as an infant permanently un-tethered his life force from earthly reality... or something like that. Apparently, Moses was making a grilled cheese sandwich (un sandwich au fromage fondu) after ingesting a psychedelic substance. Remember the burning bush that talked to Moses?
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The Burning Bush episode was his first experience with psychedelics and he kinda liked it. My usual unreliable sources report that Moses was not sufficiently attentive to the cooking process up there in the Cathedral of Notre Dame which resulted in his grilled cheese sandwich bursting into flames. In the dancing flames Moses saw The Angel of the Lord. And the angel spoke to Moses... Angel: Dude, seriously, do you really think cooking in this tower is safe? Moses: But, I've got the munchies! The Angel of the Lord looked at Moses. The angel looked at the flaming grilled cheese sandwich and the old dry wood of the tower and said, "Moses, you've gone too far this time. You may be licking your lips in anticipation of your grilled cheese sandwich but I foresee flames licking up the walls of this old wooden structure. I do believe you've screwed the pooch. Moses: My bad. The Angel of the Lord (TAOTL) was both disappointed and chagrined by this response. As the flames from the grilled cheese sandwich began to climb the tower walls, TOATL kicked an empty wine bottle across the room. He noticed a second dead soldier left behind from some workman’s lunch no doubt, that was likewise begging to be kicked, but The Angel of the Lord refrained. This particular angel had a temperate nature – he was often sent to calm things down but Moses's misdeeds had made him just a little bit angrier than usual – in an Old Testament manner. However, kicking one dead soldier across the room had sated his need to express... well, let's just call it “pique.” Yes, The Angel of the Lord had kicked the dead soldier in a fit of pique. But kicking one dead soldier was enough. Moses was very disappointed. What had started out as a simple need for a delicious grilled cheese sandwich had gone seriously awry. Toasting a grilled cheese sandwich at the cathedral was a pretty big mistake. Almost as big a mistake as dropping the stone tablets with God’s Commandments on them back when he saw the burning bush. Originally there had been twelve commandments but rather than admit to his clumsiness Moses had kicked the two broken commandments out of sight, under the bush. That mistake had happened so long ago he could barely remember what the other two commandments were about. To the best of his recollection, the 11th commandment had something to do with the evils of “gas station sushi” and the 12th cautioned believers not to mix alcohol with work involving a chainsaw. Neither of these commandments made much sense before the invention of the internal combustion engine so eighty-sixing those two commandments was no big deal... right? With Notre Dame aflame, Moses quietly left the cathedral in search of something to sate his hunger. "Do the French have cheeseburgers?" Moses asked The Angel of The Lord. "A cheeseburger with mustard, ketchup and two slices of pickle would really turn this day around", said Moses to The Angel of The Lord and to his grumbling stomach. I wonder if there are any burger joints on the Rue Massillon?
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Moses moseyed down Rue Massillano thinking about cheeseburgers and trying to stay out of the way of the fire fighters. “I’d go for a Wendy’s right now, a Wendy's hot and juicy that’d hit the spot!” “But I don't want a McDonald’s burger: too dry, not enough meat. Even Old Testament characters like me have some standards when it comes to burgers.” “Burger King, I could do a Burger King. I wonder if they have Burger King’s here in France. I could really devote myself to a nice Burger King double cheeseburger. I remember when they had double cheeseburgers on their value menu and they only cost a dollar. Now that was a deal!” Moses was thrifty... I guess that's what happens to you when wander in the desert for forty years. Moses carried the stone tablet with the Ten Commandments carved into it wherever he went. You might say it was his calling card.
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Moses had been kicking around the idea of cutting the list of commandments down to one … like maybe, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you or maybe “Be Nice!” How about, “This aggression will not stand!” which is a quote from The Dude in The Big Lebowski. Moses is a big fan of The Dude. Moses switched gears from his usual casual mosey to a bit of a hurry up but being a thirty-fourhundred-year-old ghost puts a serious hitch-in-your-get-along so he wasn't really moving all that fast. It turned out that Moses was going the wrong way to find a Burger King (BK) in Paris. Yes, indeed, in the food capital of the world there are almost 20 Whopper Joints. He’d gone half a km down Rue Massillon when he asked a local where the nearest BK was and then turned around and made his way to 63 Boulevard Saint-Michel.
Imagine Moses’ surprise when he found The Angel of the Lord (TAOTL) was waiting for him there. Leaning against the front door… staring idly into the heavens, which at the moment were dripping heavily. Not enough to slow down the fire at Notre Dame, but enough to make the TAOTL look a bit wilted. A wilted angel, kinda pitiful, eh? “Jumpin' Jesus Jehosaphat!” a startled Moses exclaimed when he saw TAOTL, “You scared me! What are you doing here? Can’t I have a double cheeseburger in peace? What do you want of me now?” As Moses reacted to The Angel of the Lord he thought to himself, “I am so damn hungry... maybe I'll go for a Whopper instead of a double cheeseburger. Typically Moses avoided Whoppers. He had told more than a few whoppers in his life that had turned into legends and it kinda bummed him out that some of the weird stories he had told had taken on a life of their own.
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Like that parting of the Red Sea story. Ay Caramba! Now that was a real whopper! Moses thought back to a Lego version of the parting of the Red Sea he had watched on YouTube. They used red jello as the 'parted' sea... pretty funny, and with considerably more reality content than the version Moses had told so many times over so many years. TAOTL said, “As I watched the fire fighters battling the blaze at Notre Dame Cathedral I’ve had some time for thought. Am I imagining all of this? Have I come un-tethered from reality?” “Funny you should ask,” responded Moses. “I was one of those guys who boldly go where angels fear to tread, you might say. However, I was never very real to anyone but myself… now I’m just a story that people tell over and over. I live an imaginary existence. When people stop telling my story... Poof! I'll be gone... That will be it...“No Soup for Me!” “In the mean time, let's enjoy the moment. I'll treat you to a Whopper and we can munch quietly while we watch the smoke rise from the Cathedral of Notre Dame. Damn it all, toasting a grilled cheese sandwich in that old cathedral was a very big mistake! I guess it's time to roll out the mantra I learned long ago to deal with mistakes, “I was wrong. I'm sorry. I take responsibility for what I've done. I won't do it again.” Yes, that's a pretty good mantra. The Angel of the Lord nodded in agreement as he watched a slice of pickle along with a big drip of warm ketchup and mustard slide off of Moses' burger and on to the old guy's ghostly tunic... Kerplop!
+++ The End +++
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