Abraham & Isaac Do Mount Moriah by rscholz@comcast.net
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nce upon a time, the Encyclopedia Britannica (EB) was the end all and be all of available knowledge for a large portion of our hopefully educated population. If you were really fortunate, like we were, you had a copy of the EB of your very own so you didn’t have to go to the library when your homework required a written report on Sumerian economics or Tibetan teas. In our house we had both the adult version of the EB – big thick books with dark walnut covers and very thin pages - and the children’s or youth edition too. The youth edition had lovely leathery cabernet colored covers. Lucky us! Of course these days you can take a whimsical swim in an ocean of info whenever you please, if you have a fast internet connection, which is a big improvement, no doubt. Anyways, check out what the EB had to say about the very very famous story of Abraham and his son Isaac.
Abraham - “the childless septuagenarian receives repeated promises and a covenant from God that his “seed” will inherit the land and become a numerous nation. Eventually, he not only has a son, Ishmael, by his wife’s maidservant Hagar but has, at 100 years of age, by Sarah, a legitimate son, Isaac, who is to be the heir of the promise. Yet Abraham is ready to obey God’s command to sacrifice Isaac” Yoiks and OMG! This sixty-nine word summary is really wild. The story of Abraham and Isaac (A&I) hits a lot of spiritually arousing buttons, doesn’t it? Here's the wisdom of the ages in a story featuring: a) The Voice of God b) hanky-panky with the maidservant leading to septuagenarian sex, c) a legitimate son, d) an illegitimate son and e) a sacrificial murder. Holy Moly!
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Don’t ask me why but the story of Abraham and Isaac has weighed upon my mind since I first heard it as a five-year-old kid. It weighed upon my mind like a dead whale putrefying in the hot summer sun on a California beach. I guess that a beached whale putrefying in the hot summer sun is not a very pleasant image. I withdraw it. Let’s just say I’ve been flabbergasted by the story of Abraham and Isaac for lo these many years. So, the father of Judaism, Christianity and Islam is an aging nut job who is willing to kill his son because a voice in his head, which he thinks-assumes-believes is God, tells him to. And, God is making promises about how Abraham's "seed" will "inherit the land" making his progeny the "chosen ones" thereby initiating the whole "Us vs. Them" paradigm which has resulted in the deaths of millions and millions of human beings... hmmm. And, Abraham has been doing the horizontal bop with his wife's maidservant Hagar which makes him a moral reprobate, right? Well, maybe yes and maybe no. In one version of this story I read that Abraham’s wife Sarah offers (sexually speaking) her maidservant Hagar to her husband Abraham because she just wants to be helpful. She and Abe have been trying to have a baby, unsuccessfully, for so long that well, what the heck, let’s see if Abraham can put a bun in Hagar’s oven. That makes it ‘alright’ right? As luck would have it Hagar did conceive a child thanks to Abraham’s shenanigans or largess, depending on how you look at it. And then Abe hit the jackpot in his 100th year. If the story of A&I had ended right then the moral could certainly have been, “If at first you don't succeed, try try again.” Yes, just after Abraham's 100th birthday the rabbit died for Sarah too and Isaac popped out, ready to do God’s bidding. Thereby proving that 100-year-old Abe still had a little bit of lightning-left-in-his-bottle after all. I must point out that viagra wouldn't be invented for several thousand years so having a kid at 100 is quite an accomplishment. Go Abe Go!?! Wow – What a story, and what an amazing cultural impact it has had. Judaism, Christianity and Islam all look upon this story as part of how they came to be… and that’s a lot to swallow. Whenever I’m having a hard time understanding something I try to use my imagination to play my way through it. To understand this story I imagined Abraham and Isaac heading off into the desert on their way to Mount Moriah where the voice in Abraham’s head told him to sacrifice Isaac to show his obedience to God. ___________________________________________________________________________________ 09/15/19 2 Of 6 rscholz@comcast.net
Here’s what I’ve come up with so far.
Isaac: Hey Big Dog.. I've got a bad feeling about this little trip we're on. Speaking of trips, are you tripping? We’ve been traveling for three days now and you’ve hardly said a word… and your face is always grim. You remember I’m your favorite son, right? Your older son Ishmael is still a second class citizen as far as your concerned, right? You know that the tea made from acacia leaves that you like so much makes you a bit unhinged, right? It has psychoactive substances in it. Are those voices in your head back again? You’ve got a torch and we’re headed for a place known for sacrifices. I’m getting a little nervous. What's on the menu? Fricasee of me? I don't think I'm up for it. Abraham: It's painfully obvious that you don't know what 'fricasee' means. Didn't your mother teach you anything? When you fricasee something you need a pot and the meat is stewed. Do you see a pot? I don't see a pot. I didn’t bring a pot. By the way, I love the way your mother Sarah adds wine to the stew when she makes fricaseed rabbit… Um Um Good! No, I can say without fear of contradiction you are not going to be fricaseed like a rabbit. As for the purpose of this trip, well, there's a reason I've been calling you “short rib” lately. God's been yakkin' in my ear and HE says I need to sacrifice someone... specifically you, my favorite son. So it looks like it's going to be barbecue of you. Isaac: Whoa dude! that doesn't sound very pleasant. Personally speaking I enjoy the ___________________________________________________________________________________ 09/15/19 3 Of 6 rscholz@comcast.net
smell of seared meat as much as the next guy but I draw the line when the seared meat is mine. Abraham didn't respond. He was a bit preoccupied. It pained his heart to see his favorite son Isaac trussed up like a sirloin roast about to be rotisseried, but hey, when you believe that the voice in your head is God, a dude’s gotta do what a dude’s gotta do. Yes, Abraham had a lot on his mind and his breakfast was heavy in his belly too. That olive oil he'd dipped his bread in was most certainly rancid. He had told his wife Sarah that the olive oil was rancid when she put it in with the provisions for his trip to Mount Moriah, but apparently she had ignored him, and not for the first time. The trials and tribulations of a prophet were never-ending or so it seemed to Abraham. Isaac: I guess you could say I’m the guest of honor at this shindig, but really I’d rather make a sacrifice than be a sacrifice. Abraham had stopped listening to Isaac…. it’s a thing old folks tend to do. They can only handle so much coming at them and when too much comes at them they sorta shut down. From Abraham’s point of view, all this chit-chat with Isaac only made things worse. After all, if this sacrifice was going to go according to God’s plan, it was time to slit Isaac’s throat and light the fire. Fer Shizzle! Fortunately, just as old Abe began his patented throat-slitting move he heard the voice of The Angel of the Lord (TAOTL) cry out from heaven... Abraham! Abraham!
Luckily for Isaac, TAOTL yelled really really loud otherwise ancient Abe with his elder ears might not have heard the angel and this story would end in tears, like many biblical stories do. But Abe heard the angel and stopped mid stroke. Abe, looked up into the desert sky wondering where the heck that angelic voice was coming from. It kinda sounded like his wife Sarah yelling at him to take his shoes off before entering their hut. But Sarah was no angel, that's for sure, and this voice sorta ___________________________________________________________________________________ 09/15/19 4 Of 6 rscholz@comcast.net
sounded like a bell ringing... but that could have just been Abe's tinnitus acting up.
Oh yes, another thing about old folks, they hate to be interrupted. Once they get up the energy to actually get something done they hate to be cut short 'cause they'll probably forget where they were in the process and have to start over. Abe responded to the voice: “You rang...? I'm kinda busy here” Angel: Jiminy Cricket Abraham, don't kill Isaac. Have you lost your mind? What a doofus you are! Do you do just anything if you think God is telling you to do it? Abe: Well, yes I do, I most certainly do. You wait and see, the moral of this story is going to be that I love and fear God so much that I'd kill my favorite son. That's a great moral isn't it? Angel: Wow... do you really think that's what God is like? Some weird thin-skinned, capricious but all-powerful being that would command you to kill your own son? I sincerely believe you are nuts. I hope nobody else hears about your crazy behavior out here in the desert today. Speaking as an official Angel of the Lord you can back off this sacrifice. It's not right. You should know better. As you can well imagine, Isaac was following the conversation between his Dad and the Angel with rapt attention. Yes, indeed, it looked like he'd live to see another day... that was a close one, he thought to himself... Hallelujah! Well, that's where my imagination petered out. As I recall, Abraham ended up sacrificing a ram he found conveniently nearby. No doubt the ram was just wandering around, minding its own business when Abe bonked him on the conk. There's nothing noble or appealing about being sacrificed, “I regret that I have but one life to give to appease or maintain favor with your deity,” said no ram ever. That ram was just in the wrong place at the wrong time as many have been before and many of us will in the future. So, Abraham and Isaac had a barbecue after all. Lucky for them!
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But, Holy Shit – no wonder this world is such a mess. Abe was right. The moral of his story became that he loved and feared God so much that he'd kill his favorite son. Pretty pathetic really. Abraham, like every ding-dong that’s ever done anything horribly wrong, claims that voices in his head told him to do it – and this is the guy that Judaism, Christianity and Islam based their fundamental moral beliefs around? Yoiks! My guess is that the rabbis and pastors and imams like this story because Abraham did what he was told without asking any questions. The same kind of obedience they'd love to see in their followers; especially when they ask for a little more money in the collection plate. Christ-on-a-cracker – we’d be better off basing our fundamental moral beliefs around the Canadian Comedian Red Green who ended each show with this sage advice, “Remember, I'm pullin' for ya. We’re all in this together.” Right?
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Comments? Suggestions? Contact rscholz@comcast.net A note to the Christian Evangelical who suggested I go pound sand up my ass... As George Bush senior liked to say, “Not gonna do it.” I don't even much like sand between my toes. BTW you've got quite a mouth on you. Do you kiss your mother with that mouth? Just askin' ___________________________________________________________________________________ 09/15/19 6 Of 6 rscholz@comcast.net
