Can We Go Back To The Garden Of Eden?

Can We Go Back To The Garden of Eden?

by Rick (rscholz@comcast.net) Prologue - It may appear that somehow, some way, in this little story I am "making fun" of the horrible, nasty, disruptive, and sometimes deadly Covid-19 Pandemic that is ravaging the many wonderful, life-affirming human societies that are taking such good care of the people on this precious planet upon which we reside.

Well, I can assure you, nothing could be further from the truth. If this were a movie, in one of the first few scenes I would show myself petting a cat or playing with a dog (probably a golden retriever named Goldilocks or something like that) so that you would think...

"Hey, that Rick is a pretty nice guy. He would never make fun of an international human disaster."

OK, now that we are all in the "right" frame of mind and our glasses are on straight, so to speak, let's go...

Our garden is a Mecca for hungry creatures. None of our neighbors have gardens and our gardens are bounteous with just about every vegetable a woodchuck or rabbit or raccoon likes to eat.

And, for the creatures who prefer seeds and nuts our two bird feeders are an unending source of edible joy. Naturally, all the creatures in our neighborhood invite themselves over to our place for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

Note 1: Our creature situation brings to mind this song by Rosemary Clooney...

“Come-on-a-my-house...♫” When the all the munching becomes too much to take, I break out the Havahart and relocate a passel of the furry ones to the woods near a friend's unfarmed farm.

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Over the past many years I've relocated many creatures to the woods near my friend's old farmhouse including: chipmunks, raccoons, woodchucks, red squirrels, fox squirrels and, for a while, 'possums.

Note 2: Since I found out that 'possums consume ticks by the hundreds they are now welcome guests in our back yard.

I imagine that all the creatures I've relocated occasionally gather 'round the campfire on a cold winter evening and talk about how, once upon a time, living was easy and food was tasty and abundant.

The conversation often starts with a story about the worst day in their lives; the day they were captured. Creatures are nothing if not stoic, about most things. Cold days, rainy days, snowy days, windy days, days when they were sick or injured, days without food, day without any kind of shelter... Yoiks! But, "That Day," the day they were captured, was the worst. Typically, this is where a Mama Woodchuck and a Mama Raccoon air their grievances. Both were caught while teaching their children how to climb over the deer fence and into the protected portion of the garden. In both cases, the Moms were caught one day and their cubs were caught the next. Since they were all relocated to the same area, they were able to reunite. Nevertheless, it was terribly traumatic experience for all concerned and they still talk about it whenever the subject of Rick and The Garden of Eden comes up.

Next, the creatures usually hear from Willy Woodchuck. Willy expounds ad nauseum on the "perfect" den he and several successive generations of woodchucks had built along the stone wall in our back yard.

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His sleeping chamber was the comfiest. His waste chamber was really big and he never ran out of toilet paper. After Willy was "relocated" he had to start from scratch (and I mean, scratch, scratch, scratch) to make a new den. His new digs are not nearly as elaborate as the one he had in our back yard which was truly a Chuck's Castle.

As Willy reminisces about how great his old den was he gets more and more depressed, his voice gets quieter and quieter until finally he's just mumbling tearfully. It's pretty sad, I must admit. Every woodchuck has a bit of Eeyore in them, I guess. Too many winter nights spent reading Kierkegaard will, predictably, have that affect on a chuck.

The fox squirrels talk about the never ending supply of nuts and seeds from two... yes two (!) bird feeders.

And the chipmunks chime in that their cheeks were always full-to-bursting back in the "Good Old Days."

The red squirrels talk about how they used their skills as acrobats to jump onto the bird feeders from above after a series of acrobatic moves, perfected over time, which included climbing a bush, walking on the wire that feeds the human house electricity and then leaping wildly from the wire onto the pole holding the bird feeder - to tumultuous (if imaginary) applause and a generous reward.

Well, a couple days ago after our last real snow, the talk around the campfire was going down its usual track, clickety-clack, clickety-clack, when one of the two Big Black Crows who had been listening in stepped forward and derailed the conversation.

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"You could go back," said the crow named Heckle.

"It's not that far," said the other Big Black Crow whose name, not surprisingly, is Jeckle.

"Well, maybe not as the crow flies," said Mama Raccoon, "but there are two very busy expressways between here and The Garden of Eden and I, for one, would prefer not to end up flattened on the pavement looking like Road Pizza!"

"Haven't you heard the news? There are hardly any cars on the road anymore. The ape that walks on two legs has been stricken. Some tiny little pseudo life form called a 'virus' has brought their society to its knees. And those that aren't sick are fearful. Most are hiding in their houses looking at screens they hold in their hands or big screens on their walls. The more adventuresome among them are walking in the nature areas like the one nearby, but never in groups, perhaps you've noticed," said Heckle, rather professorially.

"Hey, he's right!" Randy Rabbit piped up, "The Rhythm of Life has changed recently; I can feel it in my feet. There use to be a lot of cars on the road in a morning rush and then another rush in the late afternoon, but not lately."

Note 3: Randy is Randy Rabbit's nickname; his Christian name is Robert. I probably don't need to explain how Randy got his nickname. Hint: it involves a proclivity to procreate.

"So, what does it all mean?" asked Mama Raccoon.

"It means you can go back to The Garden of Eden, if you want to and can brave the journey... that's what it means," said Heckle. “This human pandemic has provided all of you with a pair of ruby slippers so you can go home again just like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz.�

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OMFG! What a hubbub ensued as all the creatures who could remember how wonderful life had been back when they lived in The Garden of Eden... went nuts.

Cheers erupted...

Hip, hip hooray, Hip hip hooray, Hip hip hooray!

And then the chipmunks, raccoons, woodchucks, red squirrels, fox squirrels all began to chant...

"There's no place like home, There's no place like home, There's no place like home."

Imagine that.

### End ###

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