Stayin' Alive

Stayin' Alive

by Rick Scholz

For the past several years we've been planting sun gold tomatoes in two big blue ceramic pots near the Big Green Egg at the back of our house.

Here's what Sun Golds look like... they're delicious!

tomato plants pretty much finished them off.

We've also been planting tomatoes and potatoes in the front garden for the past several years and last year, for the first time ever, they were eaten by deer.

Did the deer eat the ripe tomatoes? No, the deer ate the plants! They ate the half of the tomato plants including some green tomatoes and half of the leaves off of the potato plants resulting in the most pitiful potato crop we've had, to date.

When I came home from Bayfield and saw the damage the fox squirrel had done I was understandably upset.

Last year, for the first time ever, our sun golds were mauled then masticated by a fox squirrel; a fox squirrel gone mad... I supposed. I saw him do it, that rascal. Or at least I saw him towards the end of his berserk attack on our poor innocent sun gold tomatoes.

What a mess he made. And it happened again this year during the week I was in Bayfield. The tomatoes were just starting to ripen. The damage he did to the

One of my Articles of Faith when growing plants accessible to wild life is that creatures avoid plants in the nightshade family - like tomatoes and potatoes. This wanton attack on my tomatoes and potatoes shook my faith.

Naturally, I took my case to the Creature Council of Ann Arbor. They meet monthly in a nice little open area in

Eberwhite Woods... at dusk on the first full moon of each month. Summer meetings are usually quite festive. Why? because it's Summertime and the living is easy. The 'living is easy' I should say, as long as we get enough rain. Summer meetings are also fun because there are lots of young'uns in attendance who have never been to a Creature Council meeting. It always makes me laugh to watch them bippity bopping all over the place.

worship Pan on faith. I suspect he's moved to another planet because he is unhappy with how we've treated the wild spaces here on earth. I had a dream about Pan once. He was at the helm of an intergalactic space ship heading for parts unknown while singing that Joni Mitchell song...

Don't it always seem to go That you don't know what you've got 'Till it's gone They paved paradise And put up a parking lot The leadership role in the Creature Council of Ann Arbor rotates. This month it was a grizzled old woodchuck named, I guess not surprisingly, Chuck; which made me chuckle.

Of course, each meeting begins with the Invocation of Pan. Here's the bit I remember.

Oh, playful one, with pipe you prance, The goat-foot Pan, lord of the dance.

With feral joy in ancient wood You imbue life with mirth and good.

None of the creatures at the Council meeting have ever actually met or even seen Pan which means that they

After the Invocation of Pan the creatures all observe a moment of silence and then Chuck read the names of all the creatures who had met their death as road kill during the past month. Being the only human at the meeting I was a little uncomfortable as the long list was read. I noticed one red squirrel that seemed to be giving me the "Evil Eye" and at least one 'possum looking at me solemnly as Chuck went on and on and on. I'm sure there wasn't much love in their hearts for humans as they thought about how our two-ton metal beasts had transformed so many of their compatriots into road pizza.

This wasn't my first visit to the Creature Council monthly meeting and

since the creatures regard me as 'mostly harmless' they mostly ignore me. As I looked around at all the creatures I realized that I had my own little fan club this beautiful evening in Eberwhite woods. My fans were mostly birds.

Fortunately, none of the creatures that I had relocated over the years were among the creatures gathered here tonight. I saw two or three mourning doves that are regulars at our bird feeders. I also recognized a little chickadee that, last summer, almost landed on my hand to take a shelled sunflower seed I was holding.

Getting a chickadee to perch on my hand and take a sunflower seed is one of my current goals in life. Believe it or not, this chickadee's name is Rick-a-dee: so we're kind of "name buddies." It's a little known fact that all chickadee's names end in "a-dee" The next order of business at a Creature Council meeting is kind of the equivalent of Small Claims Court among humans. The creatures bring their gripes and disputes to the council for

arbitration. This was my chance to plead my case regarding the fox squirrel attack on my sun gold tomatoes and the deer attack on my front garden tomatoes and potatoes.

But, as an outsider, my plea for arbitration was put last on the docket.

First up was a complaint from the deer living in Traver Creek Woods which is right next to the Traver Creek Golf Course. Just so you know, the City of Ann Arbor hired some "sharpshooters" to "cull" the deer population because so many homeowners had complained that deer were eating their flowers and gardens. The deer were upset that the red squirrels had been asleep at the switch when the human sharpshooters entered the woods. Normally, when a human enters the woods the red squirrels start chittering and chirping like crazy and every woodland creature knows it's time to run and hide or generally make themselves scarce. On the particular day in question the red squirrels had been pretty much silent and a lot of deer had died. Not surprisingly, the red squirrels defended themselves or at least plead extenuating circumstances. They said that they thought the sharp shooters were just some golfers looking for lost balls and mistook the rifles for golf clubs.

The Council found this argument rather lame and chided the red squirrels for their poor performance as sentries.

The red squirrels accepted the censure and promised not to be fooled again.

One of the council members, a raccoon, made a joke about sharp eyed red squirrels not noticing the difference

between the camouflage worn by the sharpshooters and the goofy looking attire typically worn by golfers.

Everybody laughed. Well, almost everybody. A couple deer who had lost their mates or siblings couldn't see the humor in the raccoon's comical observation and just looked mopey.

Next up was a dispute between a woodchuck and a skunk. Apparently the skunk had moved into an unoccupied woodchuck den that this woodchuck had his eye on. Chuck listened to both sides of the dispute and consulted with the few creatures that cared even a little bit about problems between skunks and woodchucks. A few minutes later he proclaimed that "finders - keepers" was the appropriate rule to apply here and that the skunk (his name? Seymore SmellAwful) could stay in his newfound den.

Naturally the woodchuck wasn't too happy with this decision. But as he was leaving I heard Chuck whisper to the unhappy marmot..."Do you really want to move into that den now that a skunk has been living there?" It sounded to me like woodchucks considered skunks to be second class citizens, but I'm not a woodchuck so who knows what a woodchuck means by such a statement.

Woodchucks have sensitive noses so maybe the overwhelming aroma of skunk goofs up their noses so much that they can't tell what plants are good to eat.

Who knows?

Maybe God knows.

I finally got my chance to plead my case. I told the Creature Council how I'd planted the tomatoes and potatoes early in the spring and had provided them with mineral rich soil and weeded them and made sure they had enough water. I told them how much I enjoy growing tomatoes and potatoes and how I look forward to having juicy tomatoes at the height of Summer and firm, crisp potatoes in the Fall. I wouldn't say the Council listened with rapt attention, but they listened politely. I must say, I wasn't talking to a group that cared much about the joys of farming. Some ants farm.

Some ants tend mushroom farms underground. Maybe if there had been some ants on the Council I would get a better reception.

I told them that one of my Articles of Faith was that creatures avoided plants in the night shade family because they were rather poisonous and indigestible.

After speaking passionately for five minutes or so I paused and Chuck said, "Does anyone here have anything to add regarding Rick's complaint?" From out

of the shadows stepped the very same deer that had eaten my tomato and potato plants. "Yes, I have something to say," the deer said quietly.

transfixed by the sight of this disco squirrel, dancing wildly to the Bee Gees disco hit, "Stayin' Alive" How could he dance so compellingly in those disco boots I wondered...wow... amazing!

"I remember eating those tomato and potato plants. They tasted awful and made me sick," the deer went on.

"Then why in heaven's name did you eat my plants?" I asked.

"Because I was very very hungry. Last year's July drought had made so many plants wither and die that I was starving.

And when you're starving, you'll eat anything," the deer explained.

Damn, I thought, the deer is playing the hunger card. I looked around. All the creatures were nodding in sympathy. All of them, except perhaps the little ones born this Summer, had gone through terrible times when there wasn't enough to eat so the deer's explanation hit home. Then the fox squirrel that had munched on my sun gold tomatoes came forward and said, "Me too! We had severe drought last July and another one this year. Those tomatoes were juicy, and a soupcon of tomato juice was just what I needed since my primary goal in life is stayin' alive."

I came back to reality just as Chuck was dismissing my plea. Here's what he said, "We acknowledge your unhappiness, Rick, but you have to understand, we creatures can't just go to the grocery store when we're hungry. We have to eat what we can find. And when we can't find anything good to eat, we eat whatever is available. Finding food is a matter of Life or Death for all the creatures you see around you," Chuck said and as he spoke he waved his outstretched paw slowly, in a big arc, like a king or queen might, to include all the creatures gathered that night in Eberwhite woods under the full moon.

When he said "Stayin' Alive" I immediately zoned out and in my mind saw John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever, except John was a squirrel, strutting his stuff on a dance floor with multi-colored lights. Whipping his tail this way and that as he boogied to the disco beat... for a moment I was

"Yes, I understand... I get it, of course, you're right," I said... looking Chuck squarely in his bright eyes where I could see the reflection of the glowing moon. I must say, it sort of seemed like he was speaking for Pan.

Last on the monthly meeting's agenda was New Business. But mostly it was the same old stuff. DTE Energy was disrupting the lives of the birds and the tree creatures by trimming trees so that the branches didn't interfere with power lines. Several rabbits gave the addresses of residences and apartment complexes where people were using so many poisons on their lawns that everything was inedible.

But the meeting ended on a happy note, if not for me, at least for all the creatures gathered in the woods. A healthy young woodchuck proclaimed to one and all, "If you're hungry and are looking for a good meal, check out 1516 Melton Drive. They keep their bird feeders full all the time and they don't fill them with that millet-y dreck you get in bird food from the Big Box stores like Lowe's or Home Depot. They have lots of flowers and vegetables and they water them constantly so they're big and healthy and growing like gangbusters!

Here's the best part. They don't use any poisons on any of their plants... Yahoo!

It's like paradise! Pastures of plenty!

Come one, come all! You won't be disappointed."

And that was the end of the meeting. The deer bounded off. The rest of the creatures fluttered, waddled, and hopped off down the paths that led out of the woods in all directions. The young squirrels and rabbits happily bippity bopped along the various moonlit paths with the enthusiasm of youth.

As I made my way home my brain was going "Ay, Yi Yi!" With woodchucks crowing about the bounty of our gardens at 1516 Melton, no wonder there are so many creatures in our back yard. What should I do?

Here's a picture of one of the sun gold tomato plants after the fox squirrel had its way with it.

And here is one of the likely suspects. A healthy young Fox Squirrel.

So, what am I going to do?

You may remember that last year I was developing an experimental light seeking mobile tomato planter. I'm not sure if I ever showed you the version with Carl from Caddyshack on the front of the device. I figured a picture of Carl would most certainly strike fear in the hearts of any gophers and maybe even intimidate a woodchuck or two since they are in the same animal family.

Anyways, I've augmented the capabilities of the Mobile Tomato Planter (MTP). Now, instead of just being a sun seeking device devoted to providing the appropriate level of sunshine for maximum tomato growth, the MTP can detect the approach of creatures big and small, and in particular, hungry creatures with a taste for tomatoes... and make a run for it!

back yard. Formerly, everything on the MTP ran on a 12 VDC battery. I've upgraded the system to 48 VDC and changed the gearing. The MTP can now escape from deer and woodchucks and any trouble that might come along at approximately 37 mph, depending on the terrain.

My only problem now is that the tomatoes tend to be flung off the plant when the MTP, in creature evasion mode, hits divots in the grass at high speed.

And the chickens, when we take them out in their chicken tractor, have created lots and lots of divots when they dig around in the grass for insects to eat.

I guess you could say the Mobile Tomato Planter is a work in progress.

Like all of us. ### Evolving Onward and Upward!

Rick

The MTP used to only travel at one or two mph because that was all that was needed to chase the sunlight around our