A Penguin Jesus you say?

A Penguin Jesus you say?

A Christmas-y Story

by Rick Scholz Did you know that Penguins had their own Jesus, Joseph and Mary? Yes, there was actually a little Penguin Jesus, as you can plainly see in this photograph of the nativity scene.

Would you like to hear a story about little Jesus Penguin?

Would you like to hear how Penguin Jesus was conceived? And maybe listen in on God and Jesus chit-chatting when Jesus was just a little tyke? And would you like to hear how Penguin Jesus got his nickname... Sunbeam?

Yes? Great! So... here we go!.

Jesus was just a twinkle in Joseph's eye that cold Antarctic night when Jesus was conceived. Up above, the southern lights were a shimmering curtain of blue-green light when Mary winked suggestively at Joseph and whispered, “Time for a little Hubba, Hubba?” Well, Joseph was a male penguin in the prime of life so of course he said, “Yahoo! Let's get it on!” and on that very night Penguin Jesus was conceived!

Just so you know, that story about the “immaculate conception” of Jesus that penguins read about in the Penguin Bible was totally made up by the Killer Whales. Yes, Killer Whales who, when they are not eating penguins are busy telling lies for their own selfish purposes.

Sheesh!

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Mary was a normal penguin Mom and Joseph was a normal penguin Dad. It is, however, true that the egg of little Jesus Penguin was pretty darn special. There was a faint golden glow to the Jesus egg. So much so that every now and then Joseph would look at the glowing egg and then look at Mary and think to himself, “I'm not that special, but that egg sure is, I wonder what's going on? But Joseph needn't have worried. The baby Jesus egg was 99 and 44 one hundredths percent pure Joseph-and-Mary penguin love. For all you scientists and numerologists out there, the other 56 one hundredths of one percent of Penguin Jesus' makeup was provided by God but not through “immaculate conception.” God did add fifty-six one hundredths of one percent pure divinity to the little egg. Adding this pure divinity to the egg was like adding a little baking powder to cake batter so that Penguin Jesus would rise and bring Peace & Harmony & Joy to the World. Anyways, that extra pinch of divinity is why the Jesus egg had a golden glow.

Side note: Those darn Killer Whales, always trying to take the fun out of everything. Who knows who they were trying to kid with that “immaculate conception” bunk. Probably just wanted to build little Penguin Jesus up so they could tear him down later. Some humans are like that too.

One thing the Bible was right about was the part about the angels singing when little Jesus first poked his beak out of his egg.

Up there in the Antarctic night you could clearly hear the Angels singing in harmony while the southern lights shimmered... Wow!

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The Penguins, inspired by the Angels, would chime in... “♫...Angels we have heard on high, singing sweetly through the night...♫” Baby Penguin Jesus was the sweetest little penguin nestling you've ever met.

Yes... Penguin Jesus was a special little penguin and one of the many things that made him special was that God would often talk to him. In fact, God liked to chit-chat with Penguin Jesus. Hardly a day went by when SHE wouldn't grab a few seconds to share her divine wisdom with him. Before dishing out divine wisdom God would often start her chit-chat with a joke like this one...

How many Surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A joke which went right over the head of little Jesus Penguin.

Here's a funny thought. If Penguin Jesus ever figured out the answer to the Surrealists-Light bulb joke, would a little light bulb go on above his head?

You're right...that probably only happens in cartoons.

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Occasionally God would become serious and teach Penguin Jesus about the nature of creation and all her creatures. For example, God told Jesus... “Did you know that each and every creature sees the world quite differently? Hunger is a common denominator, but how each of my creatures perceive the world is quite, quite different. Each and every one of you has a unique appreciation of the world. Each creature's personal reality is rather lacking in overall perspective that's for sure, I'm the only ONE who has The Big Picture, that's why they call MY perspective 'God-like,'” God chuckled. And that's why every kind of creature gets its own Jesus.

“Yes, it's true!” God continued. “Each creature, large and small, human, penguin and all the other creatures perceive the world from their own unique personal perspective. Today, I'd like to tell you about bees and woodchucks and sea lions.

Bees see a world of flowers and have a great devotion to duty. The Hive is all that matters to a worker bee and each worker bee would willingly give up their life so that The Hive will survive. Be nice to bees Jesus, they're really quite gentle creatures and will only sting you if they think you're after their honey.”

Penguin Jesus really didn't know what to make of God's advice regarding bees since there aren't any bees in Antarctica, but God liked to talk and Jesus liked to listen and God was on a roll so Jesus decided not to interrupt and ask for an explanation.

God went on, “Woodchucks are hungry, hungry, hungry creatures and the world is their personal smorgasbord until they mistakenly amble across a busy street in search of more food.

That's when they become road pizza. They see the world from a very limited perspective since their eyes are not very high off the ground. They tend to follow their noses and travel the same beaten path as they look for food which makes them quite easy to capture in a Hav-a-hart trap.

Especially if you use pieces of apple with peanut butter on them. Apples with peanut butter on them are simply irresistible to a woodchuck. It's almost unfair to use apples with peanut butter as bait, woodchucks love them so much.

Sea lions are one of my most interesting creatures. They have an extra transparent eyelid which helps them greatly by allowing them to see through water as they look for nonchalant little penguins to dine on. Hungry sea lions cruise along the edge of the ice hoping to have a nice little penguin for lunch. Among sea lions little penguins are known as 'snack-a-doodles'.

Be vigilant when sea lions are around, you don't want to end up as a sea lion's 'snack-a-doodle'”.

Penguin Jesus really didn't know what “vigilant” meant but he could guess from context that it meant “be careful.” Being with God was kind of like having a session with a psychiatrist.

Lots of big words in a short amount of time and then she would depart abruptly 'cause the session was over.

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God taught Penguin Jesus many important lessons but Penguin Jesus' mother Mary was also an important contributor to her little nestling's education. Baby Penguin Jesus was mostly mellow although the occasional close encounter with a sea lion or a killer whale would stress him out. When he found himself in times of trouble his Mother Mary would come to him, speaking words of wisdom, “Let it be.” Mother Mary even created a little game for Penguin Jesus they called, you guessed it, the “Let it be” game. Whenever Mary said “Let it be” Penguin Jesus would unfurrow his little brow, gently shake the tension out of his little flippers, begin breathing slow and deep, and then just relax into the moment. Whenever Penguin Jesus played the “Let it be” game his troubles just melted away like ice in the Spring sun. You might try the “Let it Be” game if you're feeling stressed, I think you'll like it.

The little penguins liked to play where the bright white ice meets the cold dark sea. The Antarctic sea is so beautiful and inviting that the little ones were drawn to it. Penguin Jesus remembered God's warning that the Sea Lions called baby penguins 'snack-a-doodles' so he would often stand three or four meters away from the ice edge, on a little mound, and watch the

sea for trouble while the other little penguins played about. One day, a baby penguin named James was playing at the ice's edge while Penguin Jesus watched thoughtfully from the little mound. It was late in the afternoon and the sun was low on the horizon. Standing on the mound, Penguin Jesus cast a long shadow that fell right across the icy edge of the sea where James was playing. As Penguin Jesus watched, he saw the dark shadowy shape of a sea lion slicing through the cold water making straight for James! Penguin Jesus could see that the sea lion was hoping for a late afternoon pick-me-up in the form of a penguin 'snack-a-doodle' -

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Yoiks! But Penguin Jesus was a quick-witted little non flying bird. Just as the sea lion lunged out of the sea to snatch James from the ice, Penguin Jesus took two steps sideways and the brilliant late afternoon sun shone directly in the sea lion's eyes, blinding him for a moment and giving frightened little James a chance to escape. Penguin Jesus saved James from certain death and the other penguins were mightily impressed, particularly since Penguin Jesus was still just a youngster They rejoiced that James was saved and in honor of his quick-wittedness they gave Penguin Jesus a very special nickname...Sunbeam!

Almost all, but not all of the other penguins loved Penguin Jesus. Sadly, a few harbored dark resentment because they thought Penguin Jesus was too much of a goody-two-flippers or some such thing. And their resentment grew like barnacles on those penguin's souls.

But it's getting late and the story of the unloving penguins and what they did to Penguin Jesus when he grew older is a story for another night.

Dreamland is calling... night, night, sleep tight...Don't let the bed bugs bite! Do you think bed bugs have their own Jesus? Even bed bugs are creatures of god.

One last thing, do you want to know the answer to God's joke about how many surrealists it takes to change a light bulb? Amazon's Alexa, one of our more recent, if lesser, gods has the answer: Two, one to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools...

If you don't believe me, ask Google! ### Finis ### Comments? rscholz@comcast.net

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