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*PUBLISHED WEEKLY
March 4th, 2020
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CENTRISTS FUSE TO STOP BERNIE SANDERS RICHARD HERTZ POLITICAL ANALIST
Washington D.C.- Following Sanders meteoric rise into first place at the beginning of this election cycle, centrists have gotten quite nervous about the future of the party. His success has prompted moderates to call for consolidation and solidarity, status quo at all costs. Joe Biden has long been thought to be the moderate front runner, however doubts about his ability and record have largely been a concern. However, Biden’s success in South Carolina has given the establishment hope that it may not be too late to “save” their struggling political alignment. Amy Klobuchar and Pete Buttigieg both joined the race in order to contest Biden’s spot as the centrist to beat Donald Trump; however, lackluster election
performance and Super Tuesday projections have led them to drop out and back the former Vice President. Well, it has appeared to have gone even further than once thought. In a display of identity politics of the highest degree, the moderates have called in the help
of the dark arts in order to trump the socialist Sanders. In a suprise horrifying press conference, the newest presidential candidate emerged onto the stage in California. Joe Montgomery Klobugieg addressed the crowd in a chilling Continued on Page 2
LET IT FLOW LET IT FLOW LET IT FLOW
RUTGERS ANNOUNCES TAMPON BRAND: SCARLET STOPPER HARRY NUTSAAC IT'S SHEDDING SEASON
We didn't think that Rutgers could slap a giant R on yet another product, but they've done it, they've fucking done it. Very soon, Rutgers will be rolling out their own brand of tampons and, after the chosen color of RU, they'll be named Scarlet Stoppers. The Medium was able to get some of these tampons early, before they hit the shelves of Barnes and Noble, and we gotta say, they really are something. The individual package for each tampon is absolutely covered with R's and "The Worst State School of New Jersey." As if this wasn't amazing enough, each one is rigged so that when the package is opened, a soundbox in the tampon
QUICKIES
Mayor Pete Reprogramed as Real Doll Android Its 2020, Women Can Mansplain Too! Local Children Dead from Exhaustion Unilever Buys Yellowstone, Builds Sadness Factory Bloomberg Hasn't Felt Since 1983 Polygamy is Fascist Polyamory KKK Rebrands to NAAWP
shouts, "R U RAH RAH!" I personally don't think that the designers thought this part through, but it appears they really dropped the ball on this whole thing: the actual cloth of the tampon itself is dyed red, to match the Rutgers color. Kinda makes it a little tricky to determine how effective it would
be, in my opinion. In fact, the warehouse Rutgers used had difficulties sorting between tested tampons and new ones, so let's hope you don't get a box of used tampons. However, to counteract whatever negative press Rutgers is sure to get from Continued on Page 2
Shidding and Farding Since 1970
Medium and Targum Neck and Neck in Sales Mom Says We Can Get Zoo Pals Just This One Time
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NEWS
"How many days is too long to have an erection?"
THIS EXISTENCE IS PAIN
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LET THIS SCHOOL PROFIT OFF YOUR PERIOD
PLEASE KILL ME
...continued from front
greek chorus, speaking in a horrible melding of canned soundbites “Cornpop called me Snowwoman, we need Malarkey for all who want it”. The creature’s voice sounded desperately sad, yet surprisingly comforting in a generic kind of way. The rest of the speech consisted of pained wails and crys to “KiLl uS!” “Jesus Christ, what have you done? *whispering* g-g-ggod is dead. *now yelling*GOD IS DEAD” said Senator Sanders after seeing the video. CNN and MSNBC had a field day with his comments, calling out his statement as divisive and “Trumpian”. Elizabeth Warren chimed in and too condemned
Wednesday, March 4th, 2020
Sanders and his supporters for their attacks on Klobugieg. The results of Super Tuesday have shown that America might finally be ready for a horrendous moderate homunculus president, and for that we should all pat ourselves on the back.
LIKELY SOURCED UNETHICALLY
...continued from front
these things, they also have a line of condoms planned for rollout! These Rutgers brand condoms will be labeled as Scarlet Protectors (get it, because they protect the users from unwanted pregnancies and STDs). For however bad an idea the tampons were, Rutgers hit the ball out of the park with these condoms! Each condom will be tinted red (of course), but will also have a Scarlet Knight temporary tongue tattoo! Personally speaking, I have never had any reason to ever use a condom since no being on this planet wants to get anywhere near my penis, but I can only imagine how much fun those tattoos will be! Boxes of 30 count Scarlet Stoppers
and Protectors can be found at Barnes and Noble and will be $167 each, $5 across the street at Scarlet Fever.
exasperated, admitting that “Yes, it’s an ambitious task--but looking up at my past successes, I think I’m up for it. I had some other ideas as well, but I accidentally dropped the etch-a-sketch on which I wrote them .” ROGER'S WANG Pence also promised that he NOW IN FAMILY SIZE would continue to defund public healthcare in an effort to promote wider-spread use of shared needles and essential oils. “When the vaccine finally comes, it would be really in the best spirit and interest of capitali-” Pence gets cut off by a wave from someone in the crowd. “Uh, I meant, America, if it was made relatively unaffordable. Instead, afflicted individuals will be distributed the necessary thoughts and prayers.” Pence raises his hands, acknowledging the murmurs amongst the crowd. “To be honest, it just seemed to the historic practice of eugenics “If any more treatment is needed, work so well in the past that there as “inspirational”. Bored while we will administer conversion and was absolutely nothing else I could he scrolls through Grindr, Pence shock therapy so they will just stop have possibly added or improve continues, describing it as “the being sick.” upon,” says Pence at the press best--if not only--way to guarantee Inexplicably, the clamor conference, alluding to an earlier fighting chances against the virus.” amongst the crowd continues. comment in which he referred to When further questioned “There should be absolutely no Hitler as a “big, personal hero” and by the press, he becomes slightly worries at all; I’ve invested tons
of personal interest and research to prepare myself for this role.” Pence holds up his phone, proudly displaying a Plague Inc. ‘Victory’ screen that reads ‘COVID-19 has successfully eliminated all life on earth.' Sensing what he believed to be a grave misunderstanding, Pence persists, giving an outline of the future initiatives in his plan. “My plan is sensible and should hopefully be completely noncontroversial. As sanctioned and requested by President Trump, I will exercise due negligence and maximize the infectivity in metropolises, making sure that as many liberals and minorities as possible ar-” The woman who cut Pence off earlier gets up and signals to the press that the conference is over.
NEXT WEEK: SOMEONE THROWING UP ON THE WALL OR SOMEONE SLAPPING A WET TOWEL ON CONCRETE
THINK YOU'RE NOT FUNNY ENOUGH TO WRITE FOR US? YOU'RE WRONG, IDIOT WEDNESDAY LIVI STUDENT CENTER CONFERENCE ROOM 7:45 PM COME PEEK BEHIND THE CURTAIN
PENCE CAN PREVENT THE PLAGUE
PENCE TO INITIATE FIRST STEP IN CORONAVIRUS RESPONSE BY PUTTING GAYS IN CAMPS
LOCAL MILF IN YOUR AREA! COME FIND THEM AT OUR PITCH MEETING! PLEASE!
IF YOU'RE NOT GONNA COME TO THE MEETING, AT LEAST SUBMIT SOMETHING THEMEDIUM.SUBMISSIONS@GMAIL.COM WEDNESDAY NIGHTS AT 7:45 IN LSC BOARD ROOM
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Spring 2020
Editors-in-Chief Zachary Fox Business Manager
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Doug Willig Jacob Sclar Ikjot Tagore Kelly Manniello Max Broggi-Sumner Michael Celletti-
Anne Somalwar The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of The Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Livingston Student Center Room 117D. This issue is dedicated to Pete Buttigieg. Thanks for dropping out.
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FEATURES “I'm having a party that's BMTP- Bring Me Tortellini, Please.”
UMMM ACTUALLY
Top 5 Things You, as a Woman, Need Mansplained to You By Manles Manson
1. Your Period - A period is the result of the uterus (pronounced ‘ootirus’) exploding violently. It is disgusting. 2. Politics - Listen to me! I know how the Electoral College works. I have 3 degrees from their graduate school. 3. How to Pee - Make sure to breathe in through the nose and out through the vagina. You should be seated on the toilet facing the back wall like a child in time-out. Focus hard and aim like a man. 4. Grammar - To who it may consern, you used the wrong “there”. You said “It is their book” when you should have said “It is theiyre book”. 5. Mansplaining - I’m not mansplaining! You’re just mad because your ootirus is exploding. SESAME ST JUST GOT A WHOLE LOT COOLER
Sesame Street Character Opens Marijuana Bakery By: Alvester
Beloved Sesame Street character, the Baker, came out of retirement to open up a marijuana bakery today. So far, it’s been a success, with many other retired characters flocking to it. “It’s really fun,” said the Mad Painter, “ I get to try fresh cakes with hemp in them! He even lets me paint on the cakes before I eat them!” Others are impressed as well, as many of their favorite treats are being sold, from Boston cream pies for the Bridge Keeper, to carrot cakes for the Yo-yo Master, to cherry pie for the Alligator King. The Baker is very happy with business. “I’m on cloud nine, he said, with all these customers, I’ll soon be rolling in dough!” He then proceeded to fall over while bringing a tray of 8 cupcakes to the King of Eight.
HEY Y'ALL! THAT TORTELLINI PARTY IS THE REAL FUCKING DEAL. COME TO THE LSC BOARD RM (UPSTAIRS ALL FANCY LIKE) ON WEDNESDAYS AT 7:45 FOR THE PITCH MEETINGS AND BRING US AS MUCH TORTELLNI AS YOU CAN, I BEG OF YOU!
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WHEN IN ROME
Don't Study Abroad By: Penn A. Trayshun
Milan, Italy – I was just like you, dear reader. I was so excited to study abroad. I was saving up my paycheck from my shitty job at Panera Bread to buy a couple months of Tinder Gold. Surely, the ladies would love a good American accent. I knew I would have to go to class or some bullshit while abroad, so I packed a couple of notebooks and my favorite red accordion folder covered in pictures of flamingos. Not that it mattered. I got to Italy after my flight had to turn back – some bald asshole had a heart attack or some shit right after takeoff. The time from when I got to Milan until about one week ago was a complete blur. I smoked about 70 blunts and was arrested or something, I dunno. My point is that the study abroad experience was obviously dope…until everything changed. An old man sneezed and threw up everywhere and apparently the coronavirus spread and now I’m in quarantine. I can’t smoke any cheeba and I’ve been sober for the longest time since I was 11. And would you believe that they even make us go to class too? So here I am being forced to actually learn Italian and be conscious of everything that’s going on around me. They made us visit a beautiful cathedral down the street and we got to look at art from the 1400’s. Of course, I’d rather have gotten crossed and picked a fight with one of the gypsies on the corner. I’ve been learning about Italian history and culture because I’ve been forced to interact with lots of people. I guess what I’ve learned is that being quarantined isn’t all that great – yeah, I can’t addle my mind with substances. I have to fill it with education. Who the fuck wants to do that? SEND SUBMISSIONS AND WE'LL SEND NUDES
How to Write an Article for The Medium By: Harry Nuttsaac
Since you think we're hilarious, we know you want to be published here. Here's some steps to write comedy gold to send in. 1. Get some inspiration: look for an issue at Rutgers or with the world in general. Trust me, this is a good way to start, there are a lot of fucking problems. 2. Run your idea by a friend: ask one of your best friends if they like your idea. After they roast the ever-loving fuck out of you, go to someone you kinda know but not well enough that they would roast you. 3. Write the article: News is about 350 words, Opinions is about 250 words, all the other pages are desperate and would accept literally anything. 4. Come up with your pseudonym: this is harder than it looks. Not just anyone can come up with Harry Nuttsaac, Heywood Jablomi, P.P. Harding. This might be the hardest step in the list. 5. Email it to us: our email's at the top of every page, just send it to us. Maybe next week we'll make a How to Send an Email, if you really need it. 6. The success goes to your head: knowing you're gonna be published in the funniest newspaper ever will make you realize you should drop out of school and go into comedy.
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OPINIONS
"Oh, cool outlet, anyone got a fork?"
UNIVERSITY VOICES
Who's dropping out of the Presidential Race next? "Bernie Sanders, I've heard nothing but negative things about him from the mainstream media." John Farley Only reads MSNBC and Fox
"One of the white ones." Leslie Nix She's not wrong "Please let it be Biden. God knows he's gonna say even more crazy shit really soon." Ashley Biden Dad's just a disappointment
POLITICS FUCKING SUCKS
The Ultimate Compromise Candidate BY CHRIS MATTHEWS
It is my firmest belief that for a nation to thrive, it must float with a solid foundation on BOTH sides. It must be evenly, equally supported by a robust LEFT WING as much as it should be supported by a robust RIGHT WING. An adequate Commander in Chief, in my view, should operate like a bristle worm; bottom feeding, brimming with venom, incapable of questioning the most asinine and bad faith of ideas, and nimbly moving across the aisle without a spine. Senators Sanders and Warren may threaten to place every one to the right of Vladimir Lenin in their spooky scary Central Park gulags, and the remaining candidates may be making grand, superficial gestures about “compromising” 99.9% of their political influence to the GOP. So why not have that actionable comprise reflected in a genuine, blue-collar, working-class candidate? Republicans were quick to rally behind Joe The Plumber, so why hasn’t the DNC rallied behind figures like Larry Visoski, chief pilot of billionaire sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein’s (may he rest in peace) Lolita Express plane? Folks, this is a man who has spent nearly three decades cooperating with Democratic, Republican, and Independent elites. A man with grit to maintain civility as wrinkly, sociopathic leper ghouls did their worst. A man with the tried and true record of transporting William Jefferson “Her Majesty” Clinton, “Mini” Michael Bloomberg, Donald “DooDoo” Drumpf, and every stripe of the political rainbow. Why abide by the political strategies of the old, or fringe ones of the new? Why not turn the page in the “Little Black Book” to a new chapter of maintaining status quo? Why not play “Hardball” and elect someone who is honest about their own sliminess for a change?
Wednesday, March 4th, 2020
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HOPE FORD'S SQUARE-DANCIN' IN HELL
Fuck You Ghost of Henry Ford for Making Me Learn Square-Dancing BY JEN BEVERLY
Growing up in northern New Jersey suburbia, I was forced to square dance on an almost yearly basis during Gym class. Every time someone asked “Hey, what’s up with the mandated yeehaw,” the teachers would get annoyed and say it was required by law; but little did 14-year-old me know, the real reason is far dumber than I could’ve imagined. Apparently, Mr. Cars himself, Henry Ford, is largely to blame. Henry Ford was so racist and antisemitic that he thought that Jazz was a Jewish conspiracy to make Americans lazy drug-users. Antisemitism aside, Mr. Ford, don’t threaten me with a good time. This crusty ass oldy took it upon himself to spend his fortune not helping the needy but investing in initiatives to make Square Dancing the national dance. Now, you may ask: “what does that have to do with jazz?” In a way, he thought that the traditional white dances of old could counterbalance what he deemed to be a scourge on the young people. Ford said it himself in his 1921 The International Jew series: “Many people have wondered whence come the waves upon waves of musical slush that invade decent homes and set the young people in this generation imitating the drivel of morons. . . Jazz is a Jewish creation”. His efforts in elevating Square Dancing were mostly successful, it’s been the state dance of New Jersey since 1983. With all of this considered I just want to say: FUCK YOU HENRY FORD, YOU RACIST OLD DEAD BITCH, YOU MADE GYM SUCK. Remember to support your local jazz musicians and to pee on every Ford that you see. I AM RIGHTFULLY AFRAID OF GHOSTS
My Roommate Got Possessed (Not Clickbait) BY JACKSON ASSON
Ok, so I knew this guy was "religious," at least that's what he said before we moved in together, but he didn't tell me he'd be sacrificing goats and shit. I walked in on him and a couple buddies wearing robes cutting open a fucking goat in our room. Like, how the fuck did they get a goat in the Quads? A week after that shit happened (I filed a report to move out, but you know how Rutgers is), I came in and saw this guy fucking levitating above his bed like that bitch from Ghostbusters. I was smarter than those assholes in The Conjuring and shit so I got the fuck out of there. I found out that the guy next door got tired of the chanting, went over there to check it out, and he got possessed by Amiruba, the eternal Mesopotamian God of Death, so there's that. Better that dumbass than me, amiright? Anyway, Rutgers is too cheap to call in an exorcist or something, so there's just gonna be a demon living in Quad 2 for the forseeable future. Half of the kids in the Quads are just going about business as usual, like the fucking dumbass whities they are. What kinda mayo, honkey shit is going on at Rutgers?
Wednesday, March 4th, 2020
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ARTS
“Artsy dicks are my aesthetic.”
GOTW: COCK-19 BY GEN. E. TALIA
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BATSHIT CRAZY DROP IN STOCKS BY WUHAN
HORNY EGYPTIAN ARTIFACTS BY MUMMY69
MIDTERM GOOSE BY PENNY TRATER
2020 EVERYTHING BAGEL BY EVERYONE
LIKE DRAWING GENITALIA? COME TO LSC BOARD ROOM WEDNESDAYS AT 7:45 PM
the Medium Politics
How do I deflect others attempts to get a political opinion out of me? (Drop trouse. Shit profusely, publically, and violently. Viscous, sludgy, bile green, undigested corn shit.)
PERSONALS
"All men and women were created by, you know, the thing."
Pee Pee
Starting a new internship soon. Where do I find a clean piss dealer to cover for me and my drug dealer? Preferably sold by the mason jar? (I have a hunch you're Say you're voting for Joe covering for a little more and when they ask "Biden", than that, but the answer to your question is Craigslist. answer "Joe Mama." (I dunno, I'm pretty Probably Craigslist.) undecided between writing I peed my pants in lecture, in him, Amy Schrote, and can I frame the person next to me somehow? Ligma, Peter right now.) My poor Yorkie Cait just vanished last weekend. What can I do to find her? (Mam, I'm afraid she went up to a barn in South Bend. My sincerest condolences.)
(Say you got too aroused by the open Chick Hicks Rule 34 folder on his laptop. Happens to the best of us.)
The Mulan remake makes me so mad that I want to cry. Intern for a pretty big (Oh yeah? Then piss your campaign that just ended. pants? Shit and cum? Boss lady is on a power Ramble into the void about trip right now. How can I how fucked multi-billion protect myself? dollar corporate oligarchy (If a bike helmet can is?) withstand concrete, it can Is the stadium piss trough a sure as hell withstand a good cheap alternative to $7 stapler careening 15 miles stadium draft beer? per hour. If she mocks you for wearing it, mock her for (Not a GOOD alternative, being a reptile ghoul that but it theoretically IS an alternative.) eats with a fucking comb.)
Word of the Week:
Eczema
n. Sandpaper dry dead skin and vegan substitute for cheese. (albeit, not cruelty free) OPEN NEW PARADIGMS KACHOW YOUR EYES KACHIGGA YOUR MIND SPEED & DO CRIMES
Romance
How can I spice up my bio to get more matches and messages on FarmersOnly? (Expand your preference filters outside immediate family first.) If you live in the suburbs there likely ARE horny MILFs in your area, they just don’t want to fuck you.
Wednesday, March 4th, 2020
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DROPOUTS: CELEBS WEIGH IN
(Don't remind me. Getting struck out by the hot singles and Instagram groupchat bots in my area was already bad enough :( ) Why do literally all of my Tinder matches turn out to live ungodly far away? (Fuck if I know. We can mass surveil an entire country and target drone strikes in the middle of a city, but that shit still can't discern 12 miles from 4,586 miles. Or maybe we're just that repellent.) Lonely doomsday prepper here. How can I make cuddling my expired rice bag a more realistic girlfriend experience? (Mop head. Volley balls. Bowie knife. Duct tape. Or Craiglist. I'm sure you can figure some weird shit out from there.)
Miscellaneous How do you fellow homo sapiens clean your coffee creamer knife, besides lubricating it with your tongue? (Fuck off Amy.) Can I sell you a great concept album? I can't sing or make music, but it's bound to make a boatload! (Sure man. Been wanting to get the garage metal band back together after high school.) Can I stow inside one of your suitcases to get away from my family over Spring Break? (Can I stowaway with you? The B.O. will get real rank real quick, but I promise I'll be a good tenant!) If you could challenge any of the Kings Of Comedy to a fight to the death, who would you choose? (None. Would YOU trifle a unit like Steve Harvey?)
AWAKEN THE SHEEPLE Wednesdays @ 7:45p.m. Livingston Student Center Board Room
Wednesday, March 4th, 2020
themedium.submissions@gmail.com
"YEAH....I'M THINKING I'M BACK!"-The Bill and Ted guy
Fuck Tom Holland little bitch ass
My Favorite Comic Book Characters and Why
By Barry Gompers 1) Superman: He is super strong and everyone loves him and I find that relatable. 2) Fantomex: He's an assassin who pretends to be French and I also find that relatable. 3) Dog-Welder: He welds dead dogs to the faces of criminals (This is not a joke, this is a real DC Comics character). 4) Nick Fury (the white one): Look, I'm not racist. I just think the white Nick Fury was a better developed character than the Sam Jackson one. 5) Nick Fury (the black one): I gotta admit this one's also pretty cool. Are you proficient in irony? racism? Pitch Meetings: Livi Student Center Boardroom 7:40-8:45 Production: Livi Student Center Rm 117D Craigslist for perverts
I lost a spoon on a bus. It’s just a regular spoon. No biggie. I just need that spoon. I just REALLY NEED THAT SPOON. It’s silver and a little bent and it’s got some burn marks as if it’s had direct exposure to a flame. It’s my only spoon and how am I gonna eat soup and stuff now, you know? I GOTTA FIND THAT SPOON, MAN. If you find it, you can reach me at crackluver4@gmail.com.
If you're anything like me, then you're a fucking idiot who doesn't know how to read. I'm so bad at reading I can't even discern what I'm currently writing. I forget where I was going with this...oh well. If you'd like to continue this conversation, please contact me at Bimboslice@gmail.com
Hi-ku
I hate writing these I think Haikus are stupid Life is suffering
PAGE A7
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No I don't know when the next Nintendo Direct is
The Top 8 Things I Learned From Working at GameStop By: Henry Cooldown 8) That copy of Breath of the Wild you just bought? I guarantee you someone shoved that up their ass (No, it was not me). 7) White people who don't speak English are the worst customers. You will learn to become incredibley racist to them. 6) People will ask you if a store called GAMEstop sells DVDs in the year 2020. 5) Getting paid minimum wage to confidently lie to someone about a game you never played is actually pretty fun. 4) You will be called at least once a week by someone asking if you have a copy of NBA Live. This will be the same person every week, and he will never actually pick up a copy. 3) There is no greater joy in life than telling a middle-aged white woman that their copy of Just Dance 2014 is worth less than 1 dollar. 2) No matter how hard you keep vaccuming the carpet, it will never be clean. 1) Every month you'll ask yourself why you haven't been fired yet.
March 4th, 2020 @TheMedium themedium.submissions@ gmail.com SPORTS are games that people play
RU EXTENDS MEN’S BASKETBALL COACH AFTER LOSING 5 OF 7 IN HOPES OF RECREATING FAILURES OF FOOTBALL TEAM hopes in jeopardy, Rutgers signed Men’s Basketball Head Coach Steve Pikiell to an two year extension, now having him signed through the 2025-26 season.
PIKIELL SCREAMING OUTSIDE THE RAC BY A VERY PESSIMISTIC RU FAN
Following a 16-6 start to the season, in which the Rutgers Men’s Basketball team became ranked for the first time since the
1979 season, the Knights proceeded to lose 5 of 7 games. Now with a 18-11 (99) record, no longer being undefeated at the RAC, and with their tournament
Rutgers students were happy with the decision. Junior Caleb Daniels said “It just wouldn’t feel like a true Rutgers season if it ended with some type of success. I’m glad Hobbs is When asked about why moving in the direction to he signed Pikiell to the make sure we stay losing.” extension, Athletic Director Pat Hobbs said he was Players expressed similar impressed with the sentiments. Center Myles direction the team was going Johnson said “I’m really over the last few games. glad Pikiell was extended. He explained “While the These last few games really team unfortunately got off show what our team is all to a hot start this season, about. It really wouldn’t this last stretch of games make sense for us to make really shows what Scarlet the tournament. We have Knight Athletics are all not been there since 1991, about.” Hobbs further said and why would we want to that while he was upset the break tradition now?” basketball team would not have as poor a record as the At press time, most other football team had these past members of the Men’s two seasons (2-10, 1-11), he Basketball team could not was hoping they would be reached for comment, lose their final two games as they were at frat parties to Maryland and Purdue. trying to pick up girls.
13 Things to Know about Tom Lakers Brady’s Future
vs
Pelicans: Numbers
By
the
BY CHEATING 101
1. He still kisses his kids
50+
2. His wife, Giselle, is still hotter than yours 3. He still has 6* rings (Spygate, Deflategate?) 4. He might move back in with Julian Edelman
Instagram posts daily by Bleacher Report breaking down the Lebron vs Zion matchup
Lavar Ball on the sideline trying to resurrect Big Baller Brand
20
30,000
Times Zion made Kuzma look like a baby in the paint
Fans watching the game who thought Zion was Booger MacFarland at first
100%
1
5. Regardless of where he goes, the Patriots will win their 7th Super Bowl this year 6. 9 7. The Raiders will still have a losing season even if he signs there 8. The Chargers will still have a losing season even if he signs there 9. The Buccaneers will still have a losing season even if he signs there 10. 90% of NFL fans are hoping Brady retires 11.Brady finds all the coverage over his free agency comical, and contributed to this article to spread more jokes about himself (not really) 12. TB12 method scandal might pop up again
1
Of ESPNs employees getting ready to bill Zion as the next GOAT
13. Robert Kraft could not be reached for comment for this article, due to his presence with some “friends” (escorts) at the current time
Trying to put a funny joke on this line SINCE 1970
LeBron still trying to maintain being the GOAT
