"Sexuality is not what you do, it's how you feel" - Interview with Reyn Alpha

Elís Þór Traustason (he/him)

Reyn Alpha is a student of computer science and gender studies at the University of Iceland. They are the secretary of Q–Queer Student Association Iceland as well as the secretary of Trans Ísland’s board. The Student Paper spoke to them about what it means to be asexual, myths connected to the concept and resources and support available to those who identify as asexual.

Reyn Alpha (they/them)

How would you explain asexuality to those who don't know the term?

Asexual people experience little to no sexual attraction to other people. Asexuality is also an umbrella term used for smaller groups, for instance demisexual and graysexual identities which fall somewhere in the middle of the spectrum In a nutshell, those who identify as asexual don't feel sexually attracted to others.

What is demi?

Demisexual or demi people only experience sexual attraction towards others if they already have an established emotional connection with them or have gotten to know them. They could be friends or connected in some other way.

Is it possible to be attracted to someone romantically, but not sexually?

People that experience little to no romantic attraction to others are termed aromantic. They are often grouped along with asexuals despite these being two different things. However, these groups often have a lot in common and use similar definitions for different performances of their sexuality. Not all asexual people are aromantic but there is some overlap, many people identify with both terms.

Have you always known that you are asexual?

It took me quite a while compared to the people around me. I found out when I was almost eighteen years old. That was the first time I heard of "sexual attraction" because I didn't know it existed. It's never really talked about in basic terms or explained properly, people just assume everyone feels it. Of course it can be difficult to explain emotions but it should be possible to describe them in a way that give people some idea about what sexual attraction involves.

Did you know about the term asexual at the time?

I was twelve when I heard the term for the first time. It just didn't make sense to me because I didn't know what it meant. Truth be told, I also did not understand how people knew their sexuality in general, how did they know they were gay, straight, bi or whatever. I didn't understand sexuality or what it meant.

People have a hard time telling the difference between sexuality and sex drive. They are two different things but are often conflated in these conversations. It's not often acknowledged that people can have a sex drive without being sexually attracted to anyone.

Do you feel that asexuality is often misunderstood?

Yes, very. People often think that this is some medical issue, for example a hormonal imbalance that needs fixing. They connect it to an abnormally low sex drive or something of the sort, which they see as a problem. It's always made into an issue because people assume we must be unhappy.

What are some myths circulating about asexuality? Things people say that are not the lived reality of asexuals?

I’ve often heard that it doesn't exist, that it's not possible to be asexual. Insinuations have been made that I'm just lying about it. People say it's unnatural and make some biological rationalizations for those statements. They seem to be worried about the continuation of the species or something. Some people can't imagine life without being sexually attracted to others. Despite these people being straight and knowing full well what it's like not to be attracted to people of their own gender they can't seem to expand it on everyone or all genders. Another myth is that asexuals are void of emotions and can't form meaningful relationships with other people. Some believe that asexuality is chastity but that isn't connected at all. Asexual people don't have to live a life of chastity, far from it.

Some asexuals have sex, there is no physical reason why they couldn't. Of course it varies, not all asexuals have a sex drive, but a large portion of them do. Some have sex for their partners or simply because they enjoy the feeling. It is very possible to do things without having some biological drive to do them. It doesn't make asexual people nay less asexual to have had sex with others. Sexuality isn't what you do, it's how you feel. For example a gay man doesn't stop being gay if he's married to a woman.

What organizations are there for asexual people in Iceland? Where can I get more information on asexuality?

I want to point you to Ásar á Íslandi. They organise some events and sometimes have an open house in the housing of the National Queer Association of Iceland (Samtökin '78). I myself have not been active with them but this is an option for those interested. Samtökin '78 also has individual counseling available with professionals that know more about this and can assist.

Image: Regn Sólmundur Evu