07. Judy Kim

Proverbs 27:19.

As in water face reflects face, So a man’s heart reveals man.

I left a job I really liked – I loved the team I worked with, loved the educational opportunities it provided, I was challenged and enjoyed the diverse patient population I had….I didn’t even mind getting up as early as 5:30 am some days for the commute. In fact, I can not recall waking up and dreading work or having that sinking feeling Sunday afternoon, knowing the next day I’d have to go to work (you know that feeling?). So why did I leave? Eddie and I knew we wanted to start a family and we needed a place that would not only offer great benefits for maternity leave but would also involve the specialized area of therapy I had been working in for the last 5 years. We began to diligently pray and God answered our prayers. I started my new job on February 6, 2006. On that day, I knew this would be a very ‘different’ work experience from any other I’ve had. Upon meeting the team I work with, I listened to them slander the person who was previously in my position followed by constant barrage of complaints about the manager, support staff, program structure and very soon after, as expected, I watched them backstab each other on a daily basis. If there was something to complain about- anything at all- it was covered. Win some money on the 649? Let’s complain. After one month of working there, for a number of reasons all due to stress, I had trouble sleeping, had regular nightmares waking up crying, gained 5 pounds and a patch of zits on my right cheek which has not gone away. It has been a constant uphill, pride-swallowing, self-constraining battle not to “become one of them” or to somehow bring shame to God’s name to people who don’t believe. However, I recently realized something. Although I have kept up a clean slate on the outside, I certainly did not have a clean heart. With good intentions, I put all my energy into keeping my mouth shut at work but I’d still unleash it outside of work while at home with friends and family. I felt justified and liberated freeing my tongue, allowing all the sarcastic comments and criticisms to flow out. Then the next morning, I’d put on the happy mask again and go to work. Am I really any different from anyone else if I only complain and criticize after 5:00 pm in the privacy of my home? James (3:8-10) describes the tongue as “an unruly evil, full of deadly poison” and that “with it we bless our God and Father, and with it we curse men” and “this ought not to be so”. In chapter 5 verses 7-11 he encourages us to “be patient”, and “establish our hearts, for the coming of the Lord is at hand”. He commands that we “do not grumble against one another, lest we be condemned”. I ask the Lord to change my heart so that He can do His work through me because so far, I don’t know why I was placed at this job. I do know that as He changes me, I will one day understand. Strangely, I am grateful for this experience because I know my Father is teaching me something I will best learn by going through this. If you’re struggling with your tongue I encourage you to look at your heart because as we’ve heard, amazing things can happen in life when it is your heart that is open and obedient and waiting on the Lord.