Volume 1, Issue 4 | 11/03/11 - 11/30/11 | theblacksheeponline.com
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iowa city's 1 thanksgiving st
“A College Newspaper That’s Actually About College”
hank mauer wrote this The very first Thanksgiving was celebrated by the Pilgrims— a group of Puritans who were politely asked to leave England in 1621 after they tried to cancel Christmas and outlaw sports on Sundays. Of course, we don’t think about the Pilgrims when we celebrate Thanksgiving because the Pilgrims didn’t really celebrate Thanksgiving correctly. They ate eels and bean soup and sat in silent, pious contemplation about how great it was to finally be in a new land out in the middle of nowhere, untouched by mankind (except for all those savage Native Americans who were already there). Thanksgiving as we know it today really began nearly 200 years ago in Iowa City. For centuries turkeys had fled westward and took refuge in the unsettled plains. But as the new residents of Iowa City ventured out to clear new farmland, the turkeys decided that enough was enough. They would no longer retreat or surrender, and they planned to make a final stand against the humans. Gathering in their sacred grove in Western Iowa, near the edge of the Black Hills, the turkeys threw their heads back and gobbled in unison to the undead turkey-god, Cluck-Thulu. Cluck-Thulu heard their call and breathed new life back into his nearest servant, the most powerful of the turkeys’ ancestors: a fossilized Tyrannosaurus rex. A thundering collection of blackened bones, the tyrannosaur raged across the border as it raced eastward to Iowa City, the horde of turkeys running behind. Individual farms all around Iowa City fell one by one as the T-rex devoured the farmers’ herds whilst the turkeys ate entire fields of grain. The farmers were far too terrified to take action, and they took the tumult quietly until the turkeys and Tyrannosaurus rex committed one final and unforgivable offense.
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04: How to Survive a Family Thanksgiving the answer is in a bottle.
Early in the morning, the day before Thanksgiving, the turkeys and their Tyrannosaur rex destroyed Iowa City’s brewery. Enraged, deprived of their beer and sober enough to finally do something about it, the townspeople picked up their hunting rifles and pitchforks and revolted against the turkeys. Many were gobbled up by the T-rex before it was driven off with a hail of broken bottles taken from the ruins of the brewery. Men, women, and children openly slaughtered the evil birds by the dozen until their blood ran ankle-deep. The scene was so terrible that the sky opened up and wept; torrents of rain fell upon the battlefield. Beaks open, the turkeys gazed up in horror (or stupidity. After all, they are only turkeys) and drowned as their mouths filled with water. The Tyrannosaurus rex headed back west into South Dakota (where it was found in 1990 and sent to the Field Museum in Chicago), and the battle was won y mankind. As dawn came on Thanksgiving morning, the people of Iowa City gathered up the corpses of the slaughtered turkeys and roasted them on the outskirts of town, sharing their remaining beer as they engaged in jubilant celebratory games. Thus, tailgating was born, and would always be traditionally continued with beer and big-ass turkey legs, (which can still be found at a stand on Melrose during all home game tailgates). The tradition spread, and now every team in America plays football on Thanksgiving (so that we can leave football up to the professionals) and everyone else still has an excuse to tailgate on Thanksgiving Day. You’re welcome.
06: The Turkey Drop
Like flies, relationships are dropping quickly this time of year.
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04
how to: survive a family thanksgiving katie lindeen wrote this
10) The Greek Geek: Since joining the noble ranks of Sigma Who-Gives-A-Shit Epsilon, your friend has developed a fullon cultist obsession with their newfound Greek life and will use any opportunity to make sure you know that his frat is the best frat. This person will never be seen without their pledge pin, claiming that they only take it off in the shower (which, judging by their smell, they never do).
After you defend your sexuality for several minutes, excuse yourself to use the bathroom (get an alcoholic beverage) because there are still plenty more curious relatives to come.
Take this opportunity to go outside and get some air (take a smoke break). Regardless of what you’re smoking, make sure you walk a decent distance away from the house; you don’t want to risk getting caught in the act by the aunt who loves to lecture. Stop by your car for a stick of gum and a spritz of Febreeze (maybe eye drops too), and return to the party a little less agitated than before.
9) The Unsavory Ex: Even though you guys broke up before leaving for college, they will still attempt to “stuff your turkey” over Thanksgiving break. And let’s face it, this might be your only chance of getting action for a while. You know you shouldn’t, you know it’s wrong, and the restraining order you got clearly states that this person can’t be within 500 feet of you... but doesn’t that just make it hotter? 8) The “Taking-A-Year-Off” Guy: This guy will tell you about how he just wanted to take the year off to “travel the world” and “find himself.” However, the farthest they’ll travel all year is from the couch in their parents’ basement to the fridge upstairs to “find himself” another bag of Doritos.
You take another swig from your flask—correction: you take the final swig from your flask. How the hell did that go so fast? Drying your tears over the loss of your liquid courage and returning the dry flask to your purse (or in a deep pocket), you return to the overcrowded family room, hoping to find a minute to escape to the kitchen and fill your flask once again when no one is looking. Eventually, a circle forms around the room and is connected by clammy, wrinkled hands. Before you can hide from the obviously mentally deranged circle, Aunt Paula grabs one of your hands and your sister takes the other. As Aunt Paula whispers to you, “How did you like the veggie dip?” Uncle Dick’s bellowing voice interrupts to start the “prayer.” Correction: he interrupts to tell you to start the prayer. Since when does the youngest have to lead the prayer? How does a prayer even start?
"is that haircut suppose to make you look like a dyke? does this mean you're a dyke now?"
When the incessant questioning and hugging finally end, the appetizers are laid out for business. The classic layout includes the veggie platter with a disturbingly green-colored dip from Aunt Paula, the random array of nuts from Uncle Dick (the other Uncle Dick), the meats, the cheeses, the cracker platter and the chips and salsa. By now, you should know to keep yourself far away from Paula’s dip because the second it touches your mouth, she will ask how you like it. You load your plate with chips and salsa (fully prepared to dump salsa on yourself if a quick escape is necessary), and start your search for your immediate family. Casually dumping salsa down the front of your shirt is necessary sooner than anticipated when you need to dodge Uncle Bob's "What's your major?" question, but you take the hit and run to the bathroom anyway.
most annoyingly changed friends Thanksgiving break is fast approaching, and for many of you this will be the first time you see a lot of your old high school friends since leaving for college. Though you may be excited to catch up with old friends again, you may find that they’ve changed since members of the group have gone their separate ways. Some changes are small (new haircut, new tattoo, etc.), and some changes are a bit more noticeable (breast implants, meth addictions, etc.). Needless to say, you may find yourself meeting your high school buddies all over again.
Family dinner is one of the most dreaded moments of your Thanksgiving break. Even if you hide a flask in your purse and a joint in your pocket, it will, without a doubt, still be painful. The second you walk into the front door of your Uncle Dick’s house, you’ll be mauled with questions about your future, your boyfriend and your new haircut. “Is that haircut supposed to make you look like a dyke? I thought you had a boyfriend. Does this mean you’re a dyke now?”
Aunt Peggy (the alcoholic) obviously wants to chat about the bar scene in Iowa City (or IC as she so proudly refers to it) because her youth is fading—and, despite the Botox injections, she simply can’t hide it. Tell her a few stories about how you’re far too busy to go out and spend the majority of your time at The Library (it isn’t a complete lie), she’ll grow bored and move on to questioning your sister.
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You briefly wonder if your grandmother had suggested this after learning the truth about the state of your out-of-wedlock relationship. Here it goes, “Dear God, I am thankful for the past 21 years of my life.” It’s worth a shot, right? Your sister laughs and Aunt Peggy responds with a loud hooting noise and says, “Amen.” Seconds later, Aunt Peggy whispers to you that she was, “wondering if you brought any Mary Jane, Reefer, Herb—you know…. pot.” Your night should go an interesting direction from here. And just think, dinner hasn’t even started.
7) The Prude-Turned-Partier: There was a time when the only alcohol this kid ever consumed was the wine at church. Now every time they drink wine, they end up on their knees for a different reason. This is the same kid who used to hang their D.A.R.E. diploma in their locker with pride, but now the only thing that diploma is good for is the rolling paper for their next blunt. 6) The New Relationship Status: Good luck getting this friend to find time to hang out in between the hourly Skype dates with their new significant other. They’ll swear that this person is “the one” and will seize any opportunity to remind you that you’re single. 5) The Ugly Duckling: Wait, is that the same girl who couldn’t fit into the desks at school because of her “gland issues”? When did she get so freaking hot!? When you see her over break, she’ll make you wish you said yes when she asked you to Sadie Hawkins. 4) The Drop-Out: This is the friend who simply partied too hard their first semester and is now back home after failing all of their classes. It’s pretty tough to maintain good grades when your BAC is higher than your GPA. 3) The Community College Kid: Home-cooked meals and up-to-date gossip from your old high school! Oh, the benefits of your town’s community college! However, your friend who decided to stay home might be regretting their decision when they find out that coming home shit-faced and peeing in the sink isn’t nearly as acceptable when your roommates are mom and dad. 2) The Starving Artist: In high school, he was the rage at all the school talent shows, and now, he’s all the rage at the local Little Caesar’s. He swears that the band is just one gig away from their “big break.” Rock on, dude. 1) The Only-Talks-About-College-Friends Kid: Making friends in college can be tough. Especially if you’re a complete douche. However this friend managed to make friends, he wants to make sure you know they exist. And we get it, you like them more than us…but, you’re still a douche.
tony ho tan wrote this
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06
the turkey drop
Beginning in November and continuing through the end of semester, taking a walk through the dorms (or the cafeterias, or the T. Anne Cleary walkway) will show you dozens of people, (mostly freshman girls), sitting in stairwells and sobbing into their cell phones. It happens every year, as reliably as the holiday decorations being put up in the mall…but, why? I finally figured it out last year with two business majors—we call it the Turkey Drop, and this is its timeline. At the beginning of September, those of you who would become a future victim of the Turkey Drop were parked in your driveway, loading up your last duffel-bag, and assuring your high school sweetheart that “nothing will ever change,” you’ll “call every weekend,” and “nobody could ever compare to you.” You were both able to keep up a long distance relationship for about two months with a lot of texting, hours upon hours of Skype, and one or two weekend trips back home. Everything was going pretty well…until Halloween. My gay friends have called Halloween a straight pride parade, and I’m inclined to agree. It’s the one night where nobody can be judged for going completely wild and wandering around with less clothing than a lingerie mannequin. (So far, my favorite costume is a “sexy lobster.”) However, when you’re confronted with a sea of your sweaty, horny, and drunken peers, you may just happen to hook up with one of them as the clock strikes midnight (or 3 a.m. given how seriously Iowa City takes
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hank mauer wrote this Halloween), thus beginning the Turkey Drop season promptly on the morning of November 1st. About three weeks pass, which you spend feeling guilty over your brief infidelity, or you spend them blissfully, seeing how great things are now that you’re free of your high school relationship. Some people will call their high school sweetheart now, accounting for a few early casualties in the Turkey Drop cycle, but most will wait until Thanksgiving break. From here, our story splits into three alternate scenarios that form the most probable outcomes of everyone’s Turkey Drop scenario. In the first scenario, sometime over break (or right after, if they don’t want to do it in person), Cheater Cheater, Pumpkin Eater tells their partner back home what happened, and the person who was dumped will spend the rest of the semester on the phone begging to work things out. They’ll make tearful phone calls from their rooms, but eventually they’ll do them from anywhere—unfazed by randoms hearing them and potential water damage to their phones. In the second scenario, Cheater Cheater, Pumpkin Eater tells their high school partner what happened in a fit of nobility, honesty, and good intention only to be dumped in a fit of disgust. In the third scenario, CCPE and the person they hooked up with on Halloween start dating. CCPE tells the new
hookup that they’ll end things with the high-school flame over Thanksgiving break (so that they can break up in person), and the new couple has a happy, but brief November. Everything is going well until the new flame realizes that CCPE never broke up with the old flame. While everyone knows that it’s unlikely for a high school relationship to survive the transition to college, the people who suffer those breakups always receive more sympathy than they know what to do with. Needless to say, we think you’ll get over it. (Thanksgiving gives everyone an excuse to eat their feelings.) So, uh, Happy Turkey Drop!
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SEX and the u
trap of the bra katie lindeen wrote this
To my beloved male readers, let me begin with a sincere apology—and, of course, a story. You meet up with a potential hookup from your Intro to Something class at Scum and somehow manage to get her back to your apartment. Hallelujah. You get past the obstacle of her confusing tank top/halter top/tube top contraption with way too many straps and once again find yourself stuck again. Stuck in the trap of the bra. Your fingers wrap around the clasp as they attempt to unhook what you thought was two hooks. Wrong. There must be three... Adding insult to injury, after undoing that last hook, the thing is still not open. The bra remains secured around her body. What the fuck kind of evil contraption is this? Luckily there is a key to this trap: the fourth hook. Yes, you read correctly. I said the fourth hook. By this time, the sides of the bra are popping forward at you, yet somehow are still hiding her titties. Now, try not to panic. If you give up now and just pull the damn thing over her head, it won’t turn out well. One of the hooks will probably get stuck in her knotted hair and not come off at all. You’ll spend several awkward minutes trying to detach it from her head before she leaves your apartment, rubbing the newly-sore spot on her scalp. It happens… but really, you do not want to watch the boobies walk out the door, do you? I didn’t think so. You’re going to have to tough it through the trap of the bra. Why do they have to be so difficult, you ask? It all started with one seriously pissed off chick. (Isn’t that how every male struggle begins?) The third hook was invented simply to hold in a pair of big bazookas—some girls just need more support. But, as you probably already suspected, the fourth hook was invented to make you struggle.
How can a woman punish her guy when he’s horny? She can’t ignore him because the silent treatment ends up being a reward (he doesn’t want to listen to you in the first place). If she refuses to make him food, he is capable of making (or ordering) his own. And she certainly can’t deprive him of sex, because then… well, she’s deprived too. There isn’t much she can do to punish him except make him struggle. And nothing motivates guys like a set of knockers. Well, the pissed off chick I mentioned earlier realized that and decided to use it against him. The first fourth hook ever created was actually a safety pin, (which is much more difficult to undo than a simple hook), so consider yourself lucky you weren’t that guy. This scorned woman’s boy-toy undid the first three hooks without effort; he had grown accustomed to frequent accessibility of her twins, but was stopped from reaching the Promised Land by one measly safety pin. The fourth hook was born. When he probed her, she refused to explain the problem to him and ultimately ended up putting her bra back on. The next day she hooked her bra straps together again with the fourth hook and smiled to herself, knowing he wouldn’t understand. That night he attempted again and was stabbed by the fourth hook. The next day she used a smaller safety pin—so small that even if he realized what it was, his big fingers couldn’t undo it. Out of shame and a serious lack of masculine confidence, he didn’t try that night. The fourth hook defeated him. Victoria caught wind of this story heard ‘round the world and eventually began selling bras with a fourth hook included. This new development is what led to your battle with the bra, and if you really need someone to blame— blame the now infamous, “Seriously Pissed Off Chick.”
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Special: November NFL Pro Bowl Weekends! Fridays & Saturdays $3 Bud Light Bottles WIN Great prizes & 1 Grand Prize! 2 Tickets to HAWAII, the NFL Pro Bowl & Air Too!
WEDNESDAY $1 PBR Cans (8PM - 12AM)
saturday $3 Bacardi Drinks $4 Bombs Live Pianist (4PM - 2AM)
SUNDAY: Free Pizza at 10! Drag Show at 10:30 $2 You Call It $3 Bombs $3 Martinis
THURS
“Mug Club” $5 Mugs with $1 Refills (Wells, Keystone, Busch, LITs) $2 Domestic Pints, $2 Calls $2.50 Jack Daniels & SoCo Drinks
$3 Import Bottles (9PM - Close)
1/2 Price Wine & Martinis Live Pianist | No Cover (4PM - 2AM)
$2 Wells, Shots, Domestics $3 Calls & Imports No Cover!
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$1 Cherry & Grape Bombs $2 Jäger & O Bombs $3 Bud Light Bottles $3 Three Olives Vodka Mixers $3.75 long islands $4 Premium long islands $4.50 Three Olives & RedBull
$2.50 Leinie Pints (9PM - Close)
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Drag Show at 10:30! DJ Nate Dance Party $2 Domestics $2.50 UV Vodka Drinks
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$1 Cherry & Grape Bombs $2 Jäger & O Bombs $3 Bud Light Bottles $3 Bacardi Mixers, $3.75 Long Islands $4 Premium long islands $9 Bud Light towers (Open-9p)
Make it a Double For Just $2 More! (9PM - Close)
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15¢ Wings & 25¢ Boneless (8pm- ‘til they’re gone) $1.25 Miller High Life Bottles $2 Bacardi Drinks $2 Domestic Pints $2.50 long islands, $1 Wells & Bombs (midnight-close)
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the all-liquid thanksgiving diet Are you looking for a fun way to spice up your family’s Thanksgiving? Do you like Thanksgiving meals, but hate that you can’t get drunk no matter how little you eat? Well, there’s good news! After countless, exhausting weekends of experimenting, drinking, and vomiting, I’ve come up with the perfect all-liquid, high-octane alternative to the traditional Thanksgiving meal. It will ensure that you get you get good and drunk just like the Pilgrims would have wanted. Instead of turkey, try a… Turkeyball Shot! Ingredients: • 1 oz of Wild Turkey • 3/4 oz of Amaretto • A splash of pineapple juice This Thanksgiving, replace the traditional holiday centerpiece with this delicious cocktail! You won’t feel sleepy with this turkey alternative (unless you have too much and pass out). It’s so good you’ll want to gobble it up all the way to the emergency room! Sick of cranberry sauce? Try my famous… Cranberry Daiquiri! Ingredients: • 1/2 cup of sugar • 1/2 cup of water • 1/2 cup of cranberries • 1/2 cup of rum • 1 1/2 cups of cranberry juice • 1 cup of ice Mom’s cranberry sauce is only appetizing in small doses. Fortunately, you can fix that portion problem by having several of these delicious cranberry daiquiris. Simply toss all
tony ho tan wrote this
the ingredients into a blender and blend until smooth. This recipe makes six servings—with just one more, it’d be the perfect seven-course liquid meal. Are you trying to get smashed but your potatoes are just mashed? Try the… Dreamy Vodka Cocktail Ingredients: • 1/2 oz of vanilla vodka • 1/2 oz of Bailey’s • 1/2 oz of Kahlúa Like mashed potatoes, vodka is also made from potatoes and can go with nearly everything. Mix the ingredients in a cocktail shaker and serve with whipped cream to give it some real class—it’s the perfect drink for any Thanksgiving dinner. Do you like bread rolls but hate how it’s not beer? Try… A Keg of Beer! Ingredients: • 1 keg Like bread, beer is made with wheat and other grains. Unlike bread, beer kicks ass. This Thanksgiving, be sure to celebrate with any and all of the fancy seasonal beers! A few of the classics include Sam Adam’s Octoberfest, Leinenkugel’s Oktoberfest, and Blue Moon’s Harvest Pumpkin Ale. You’ll be thankful you swapped the rolls for these instead. For dessert, try a… Pumpkin Pie Cocktail! Ingredients: • 2 scoops of vanilla ice cream • 1/2 cup of crushed ice • 1 tbsp of canned pumpkin
• 1 oz of half-and-half • 1 oz of spiced rum • 1/4 tsp of pumpkin pie spice This drink is like having a party in your mouth and everyone’s invited—you’ll definitely want to save room for dessert with this delectable pumpkin pie alternative. Like the cranberry daiquiris, all you need to do is toss the ingredients into a blender and blend until delicious. So, if you have never celebrated Thanksgiving dinner in liquid-form, it’s time to expand your horizons and drink in the goodness. Although it may leave you feeling a little worse the next morning, it will definitely make family dinner more tolerable (and maybe even enjoyable!). And hey, if you do have any leftovers the next day, keep the party going! Black(out) Friday, anyone?
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Bartender
of the
Issue
Julie Manlyub
c Library Night
Relationship status: Single and ready to mingle. Major: Mathematics Education Favorite drink: Mango Three Olives and Sprite with a splash of cranberry and orange juice. Favorite shot: Chocolate Cake: Frangelico liquor with Absolut Citron, followed by a lemon. Would you rather take a body shot off Rosie O’Donnell or Whoopie Goldberg? Whoopie, my friends say I have a case of jungle fever. What’s your biggest pet peeve about bartending?: People who order their drinks “extra strong,” chances are I’ll make it extra weak. Best thing about working at The Library (besides those schoolgirl outfits)? The large amount of good looking men that work there. What Disney character do you most want to hook up with? Mr. Incredible,
drinking game:
Shhhardines
What you need: Place to hide (ideal for house parties at a crib with many rooms or a lot of clutter), cases of beer, some oranges, a handle of Captain Morgan, and boat shoes. Number of players: 3 at least, although the more the merrier on this boat of fun! Intoxication level: You’ll be cursing and mumbling like a true sailor. Hopefully not looking like a creature from Pirates of the Caribbean, but we can’t make any promises. Hot messes very likely.
cuz I’m sure he’d be incredible. What reality TV show do you most belong on? Jersey Shore. Apparently sometimes the “Jersey Shore Bitch” comes out in me. What’s the funniest thing you’ve seen on the job? MIDGET WRESTLING. If you could create a holiday, what would it be? Any holiday that allows me to lie in bed and watch ESPN all day. If you could have any superpower, what would it be? The ability to transport myself anywhere I want to go. Boxers, briefs or freeballing? Boxer briefs. Or boxers. Freeballing is weird. Best song to set the mood? Anything by Marvin Gaye. What’s the first thing you say to yourself when you wake up and look in the mirror? My friends for sure are gonna nominate me for what not to wear someday.
recipe for disaster:
Panini Pizza
Sandwiches are delicious, as is pizza. Why not combine the two? Hey, it worked for the platypus, which is half duck half…uh…bad example.
What you need: Bread, pizza sauce, EVOO (extra virgin olive oil, this recipe is for the elite so we will use acronyms), cheese, salt, various ingredients on hand such as chicken wings, vegetables, mini hotdogs, etc. Cook time: 4 minutes or until your panini cooks it medium or so Fatty Factor: Varies based on how many bad things you decide to dabble with. If you’re trying to throw Twinkies and other hydrogenated oils into the panini machine, the lard count will be high.
How to play: - Place feet in circle and play “Bubble gum, bubble gum” until you successfully designate the main “sardine” fish. -The main sardine will then take the handle of Captain, run away and hide. The object of this game is for the rest of the players to find where the first sardine is hiding; the last one there loses. - Once the main sardine finds a hiding spot, she/he can then chug the Captain at their leisure. - The rest of the sardines have to shot gun a beer before they can search for the main sardine hiding. - The first player that finds the main sardine will take a swig of Captain, and then lay on top of the main sardine to create a beautiful fake fish pile - As more players find the pile, they also take swigs of the Captain and jump on top. - The last player to get there loses (and sucks) but also has to bong a beer take another swig of Captain. the loser finishes it all off with an orange slice (to prevent scurvy).
Let’s Get all Fancy, Chef: - Plug in your panini grill and turn that puppy on high. - Throw some EVOO on the pan and slosh it around. - Place bread, then sauce, then cheese, then random other things. The key to this recipe is to narrate everything that you put on, very audaciously. - Frequently add spices such as salt and say, “UGH! Let’s take it up another notch!” Like the line Emerald uses that helps him pull mad tail. - Try hard to make your edible creation look like a new kind of pizza in sandwich form. - Once you fit as much as you can between two pieces of bread, close the panini lid down. - Stare at panini maker; ponder who thought up such a machine. - Frequently check your makeshift pizza and give verbal time estimates on how much longer you have. - Once it is done, remove the sammy (again sandwich lingo for the elite) from the panini maker and smell it. - Tell everyone around you how good it smells and then eat it very dramatically like it is the best meal ever in America.
The game ends when: The sardine pile starts to get frisky. Then it is no longer Shhhardines, but actually becomes a new game called: Premarital Sex, the horrid epidemic that Oprah warned your mother about.
The great part about this recipe is that it’s casual, adaptable, and the combo of versatility plus narration will truly seal the deal for fun on your credibility as a chef in the kitchen.
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Maybe we’re just getting too old, but the popularity of some mainstream music really baffles us these days. Hell, we understand why Justin Bieber and Lady GaGa are “the bee’s knees,” as kids are wont to say. These six artists? Not so much.
Artist: Drake
drake
Known For:”Find Your Love,” looking tired and sad all of the time. Horribly Annoying Trademark: Rapping an entire bar then pausing like this…to deliver a shitty punch line. What We’d Ask In An Interview: “If a million 4-year-olds chained to a million crayons were locked in a room, how long would it take them to write a Drake song, 25 minutes? 30?” Poetic Death: Everyone—from Lil’ Wayne to Nicki Minaj—who carried Drake on a track would take turns literally carrying Drake to a set of railroad tracks, where he’d finally meet his demise.
Artist: Katy Perry
katy perry
Artist: Mumford & Sons
mumford & sons
Known For: “Little Lion Man,” being vaguely earnest. Horribly Annoying Trademark: Staaaaarting ouuuuuut playyyying a sonnnnng reallllly slowwwww, thenplayingthechorusreallyfast. What We’d Ask In An Interview: “If you sang all your lyrics at the same pace, couldn’t each and every word get their due?” Poetic Death: Tearfully, the band sacrifices themselves for a cause greater than themselves—one that flames out a few months later, like the Occupy Wall Street movement.
Artist: Dropkick Murphys
dropkick murphy's
lmfao
Known For: “I’m Shipping Up to Boston,” being the musical equivalent of The Boondock Saints. Horribly Annoying Trademark: Wishing desperately to be from Ireland, using an accordion and bagpipes without a hint of irony. What We’d Ask In An Interview: “You’re the kind of assholes who roots for Notre Dame because you’re 5th generation Irish, aren’t you?” Poetic Death: Alcohol poisoning, via Jameson suppositories.
Artist: Bassnectar
Artist: LMFAO
Known For: “Party Rock Anthem,” enjoying shots in Miami. Horribly Annoying Trademark: Looking and sounding like fucking idiots. Loudly. What We’d Ask In An Interview: “Redfoo, SkyBlu, you both dress like your parents’ spent their lives shunning you. Sorry, that isn’t a question, just wasn’t sure if you realized that or not.” Poetic Death: Major Lazer challenges the LMFAO boys to a drink-off, only to trick them into pounding shots of liquid cyanide.
Known For:”I Kissed A Girl,” “California Gurls,” marrying Russell Brand, tits. Horribly Annoying Trademark: Catchy pop tracks with hooks and videos that imply women are sexually closeted idiots. What We’d Ask In An Interview: “Whose entire routine is more of a gimmick, yours, or your husband’s?” Poetic Death: No longer popular or famous, Perry offs herself in one last attention grab. It fails to generate the headlines she oh-so-desperately craves.
bassnectar
Known For: Being an integral part of the dubstep trend that’s sweeping the nation. Horribly Annoying Trademark: Having a shtick and a light show that mask glaring musical inability. What We’d Ask In An Interview: “Did you and Beyonce mean to get your extensions from the same guy, or was that just some sort of happy coincidence?” Poetic Death: A fan—while rolling their balls off on MDMA—sticks a turntable needle through the heart of a voodoo doll made from his hair, killing him.
13
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Dan Whitford of Cut Copy
the interview
The Australian electronic band Cut Copy has been blowing up in recent years, probably due to rave reviews from Pitchfork as well as picking up traction from the cool kids who follow the site. We got to chat with lead singer Dan Whitford about electronic evolution, writing lyrics to classic songs and playing tennis against Franz Ferdinand. The Black Sheep: So you’ve been playing electronic music since 2001. How has the electronic music scene changed since? Dan Whitford: Like anything, music’s kind of a slave to fashion and trend as much as any art form. To me, it feels like electronic music has been welcomed more as a mainstream form of music at the start of 2000. I’d guess partly because we had come out of an era of music where sort of indie stuff was really what all the cool kids were into, and anything with synthesizers kind of went a little bit into a niche world for a while there. I felt like dance music and guitar based music were very separate things and I guess that was sort of the mission statement of what Cut Copy was about, being passionate about both pop music, guitar based indie music or whatever you want to call it and also being really inspired by synth based stuff, and club and dance records. So, I think over that period of time those things have come together very much and it’s interesting that there’s the whole scene in the States now based around Pitchfork and stuff put online by sites like that. We like both parts of that music equally and use them interchangeably, and it feels like our mission statement has been fulfilled in a lot of ways. TBS: You guys do have such a great balance between using the synth samples and beats with the instruments that you play. Was it a natural collaboration of those two sounds? DW: It was tricky in a way because there really was no blueprint for that kind of combination. Finding a way to combine those things was the biggest challenge. For me it feels like fusion, one of the real dirty words in music, and I guess the idea of fusing synth and rock music probably could turn into something pretty bad. So thankfully we’ve found a really tasteful way of doing it and a way that was works for us and works for a lot of other people. It’s definitely not a mathematical operation, it very much goes by feel. TBS: Your music is super upbeat and fun to dance to, and it’s interesting because you’re from laid back Australia. Did that relaxed culture have an effect on the music you play now? DW: I think it has an effect on our personalities, I don’t know whether musically it did. Our music is a reflection of the music that we love. When I was starting out and being really passionate about music
CD REVIEW
Out Now
Florence + the machine Ceremonials
The dog days aren’t over, but they still suck. When I first encountered the band Florence + The Machine, the world fell for them. A cheesy little book called Eat, Pray, Love turned into a stupid little movie with the same title featuring Julie Roberts (not stupid, just a stupid role, love ya girl) and that song, oh, what’s it called again? Oh yes, “Dog Days Are Over.” Yeah, ladies, rejoice; you’re no longer going to be fat, sad and lonely, because them dog days are over, because you’re gonna eat and eat and eat, then pray for love. [insert vomit] It’s one thing to jump on a bandwagon willy nilly, with the understanding that you know you are on the bandwagon and don’t mind “accidentally” falling off after a month or so. But it’s another to go on and be nominated for Grammy awards and then have the balls to release a second album, like people are really going to give a shit. Well, the one’s who’ve prayed and never found love will buy their album, because they saw an ad for it while they watched Oprah’s Lifeclass for the fourth night in a row. And that’s fine, for them. Ceremonials' first single “Shake it Off” has that signature orchestral sound as the rest of
UPCOMING RELEASES
D
their music, with the loud and preachy chorus that gives you a positive call to action - just shake it off, sis. It’s not a bad song – it’s inspirational and catchy, but not something I see myself singing at karaoke anytime soon. The rest of the album continues on in the same fashion, with sprinklings of oddly humorous tunes, such as “Breaking Down” which sounds like it should be running at the ending credits of Sixteen Candles. Florence Welch is 25 and makes beautiful music for 40-somethings. Maybe I’m just cynical (and notoriously not a fan of female singers), but this Evanescence/Imogen Heap meets an extravagant church choir doesn’t do it for me. Though there is no denying that Welch has an incredibly powerful voice, it might be interesting to see her do some solo stuff and try a different sound, perhaps like Adele. But if this crap gets you in the mood to conquer the world, more power to ya. Listen to it When: You’re self-loathing, drinking white zinfandel. Sounds Like: Evanescence as a Baptist choir.
>>>
Susan Boyle -Someone to Watch Over Me Justin Bieber - Under the Mistletoe Miranda Lambert - Four the Record Megadeath - TH1RT3EN
The Decemberists - Long Live the King U2 - Achtung Baby Tyrese - Open Invitation Lou Reed and Metallica - LuLu
was about when The Avalanches were doing shows in Australia and just before they did their first album was when I first met them and came into contact with them, and I found their music really uplifting and inspiring and really upbeat as well. It almost felt like that sensation musically was something that I would like to express as well, in Cut Copy. In our own way, we felt like we were doing the same thing. TBS: You mention that The Avalanches were a big inspiration for you. What else inspires your music? DW: I think it’s a unique combination of stuff, just being inspired by different areas of music, art, film, just different things across the board. A lot comes from bands that we love. For instance Talking Heads, we listened to a lot of Talking Heads in making Zonoscope. It’s just a bit of a patchwork of our experiences and things that we’re inspired by and hopefully just our viewpoint in reinterpreting all of these things ends up being something unique even if really, at the end of the day, we’re just music fans. TBS: Did you write the song “Need You Now” about somebody in particular? DW: One morning I sort of wrote the basis of that track, and had some synths and some keyboards and a drum machine and just kind of penned out the whole thing while I was waiting for Tim and Ben to meet me at my house. And in the few hours that I was waiting for them I ended up putting that track together and doing some quick vocals that sort of fit with it. And, essentially, the vocals were as it appears in the final track, I didn’t change the lyrics at all. So it wasn’t specifically written about someone, it just came off the top of my head that morning. But it fit so well, I couldn’t bring myself to change it. We tried a few alternatives but it just didn’t sound right. TBS: Man, that’s awesome. That’s such a good song, and it’s cool that it kind of came out of nowhere. DW: Yeah, and that’s one of the things I was worried about. I wouldn’t go so far as to say it’s a classic song but when you read about other people who’ve written classic songs often they say they do say it comes out of nowhere, or that the best songs happen really quickly and it’s almost as if it was meant to be. TBS: What else do you like to do when you aren’t playing music? DW: I like to get outdoors a bit, because I spend most of my time indoors when we’re touring. We have this thing we organized, before we started touring, where me, Mitchell and Ben from the band and various other musicians and DJs would play tennis against each other once a week. It got to the point that if there were touring bands or DJs that would be available, we’d get them to come down and play against us. TBS: What other bands have you guys gotten to play tennis with you? DW: We played against the guys from Franz Ferdinand when they were in Australia last, so that was pretty cool. TBS: Who won? DW: I think it was one set off, so we didn’t have a deciding set. They took the first set and we took the second, and I felt like we were going to come back and beat them, but it wasn’t on the scoreboard so it’s hard to say. TBS: Drink of choice? DW: These days I’ve been enjoying red wine before the show, I like a good Merlot. It’s nice, smooth, easy on the vocal cords and provides a good romantic, artistic vibe in the band room. Spirits can get you a little too wasted before the show.
Can you solve the riddle? If so, email us at riddle@theblacksheeponline.com. First 10 win a prize!
madlib: your own worst movie 1: Thing 2: Type of person 3: Action 4: Verb 5: Noun 6: Movie 7: Movie 8: Verb 9: City or town 10: Age 11: Gender 12: Name 13: Same name as 12 14: Verb 15: Adjective
16: Same name as 12 17: Adjective 18: Verb 19: Same thing as 1 20: Verb 21: Noun 22: Verb 23: Same person as 2 24: Same person as 2 25: Noun 26: Verb 27: Same noun as 25 28: Verb
Dude, did you hear about my awesome movie idea? I want to do a movie where ___1___ and ___2___ are forced to ___3___ to ensure the ___4___ of the ___5___. Basically, it’s going to be like ___6___ meets ___7___, only with more ___8___. The film opens in ___9___, when a ___10___-year-old ___11___ named ___12___ is woken up in the middle of the night by a strange noise. When ___13___ looks outside she starts ___14___. It’s pretty ___15___. The next day ___16___ only vaguely remembered what had happened the night before, though she was sure it was ___17___. On her way to class things seemed weird. The streets were empty, no one was outside, shops were closed. It’s as if the entire town was inside ___18___ each other. Turns out, they were. You see, the ___19___ had a very specific agenda. They wanted to ___20___ the ___21___ through ___22___. They thought if they had every ___23___ other ___24___, the ___25___ would ___26___ and the ___27___ would ___28___. Doesn’t that sound like a badass movie, dude?
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m.a.s.h.
Tally Box
What's your future hold?
Best Man:
wedding officiate:
Signature Cocktail:
First Dance Song:
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- Rev Run - Chaz Bono as an Elvis Impersonator - George W. Bush - A cat in a suit
- Bacardi 151 on the rocks - Keystone Light Keg - Grape Burnetts and Hypnotiq - BYOB, bitch.
- "Guilty Conscience" - Eminem - "Needed Change" - Skrillex - "Gimme Dat Nut" - Eazy E - "Rolling in the Deep" Adele
Wedding Dessert:
Honeymoon Adventure:
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- Bomb hopping in Afghanistan - Parasailing over a creek - Drinking Mexican water - DIY Tattoos in Taiwan
Hermain Cain Resurrected Steve Jobs Ray J Kirstie Alley
Maid of Honor: -
Monica Lewinsky Courtney Stodden Willow Smith Michelle Bachmann
Globe-sized donut Gigantic crack rock Margarita waterfall Pool of Splenda
Length of Marriage: -
72 day 69 weeks Eight and a half months Eternal <3
TOP TEN
Reasons to Drink at The Deadwood
1. We are not an Irish bar. 2. You can make a memory in our photo booth. 3. The Deadwood recycles vigorously. Check our competitors dumpsters. 4. Women do the same work as men at The Deadwood. The person checking IDs at the door is just as likely to be a woman as a man. 5. Angry Hour: 4:00 - 6:30pm.
6. The Deadwood women’s whiskey drinking team might be practicing. 7. Sally’s award winning chili is “free” with purchase before home football games. 8. Illinois residents are welcome and appreciated. 9. Sassiest waitress in the Big 10. 10. Pub quiz on Tuesdays.
Six South Dubuque Street | Iowa City, Iowa 55240 (319) 351.9417