Volume 1, Issue 4 | 11/03/11 - 11/30/11 | theblacksheeponline.com
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iowa city's 1 thanksgiving st
“A College Newspaper That’s Actually About College”
hank mauer wrote this The very first Thanksgiving was celebrated by the Pilgrims— a group of Puritans who were politely asked to leave England in 1621 after they tried to cancel Christmas and outlaw sports on Sundays. Of course, we don’t think about the Pilgrims when we celebrate Thanksgiving because the Pilgrims didn’t really celebrate Thanksgiving correctly. They ate eels and bean soup and sat in silent, pious contemplation about how great it was to finally be in a new land out in the middle of nowhere, untouched by mankind (except for all those savage Native Americans who were already there). Thanksgiving as we know it today really began nearly 200 years ago in Iowa City. For centuries turkeys had fled westward and took refuge in the unsettled plains. But as the new residents of Iowa City ventured out to clear new farmland, the turkeys decided that enough was enough. They would no longer retreat or surrender, and they planned to make a final stand against the humans. Gathering in their sacred grove in Western Iowa, near the edge of the Black Hills, the turkeys threw their heads back and gobbled in unison to the undead turkey-god, Cluck-Thulu. Cluck-Thulu heard their call and breathed new life back into his nearest servant, the most powerful of the turkeys’ ancestors: a fossilized Tyrannosaurus rex. A thundering collection of blackened bones, the tyrannosaur raged across the border as it raced eastward to Iowa City, the horde of turkeys running behind. Individual farms all around Iowa City fell one by one as the T-rex devoured the farmers’ herds whilst the turkeys ate entire fields of grain. The farmers were far too terrified to take action, and they took the tumult quietly until the turkeys and Tyrannosaurus rex committed one final and unforgivable offense.
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04: How to Survive a Family Thanksgiving the answer is in a bottle.
Early in the morning, the day before Thanksgiving, the turkeys and their Tyrannosaur rex destroyed Iowa City’s brewery. Enraged, deprived of their beer and sober enough to finally do something about it, the townspeople picked up their hunting rifles and pitchforks and revolted against the turkeys. Many were gobbled up by the T-rex before it was driven off with a hail of broken bottles taken from the ruins of the brewery. Men, women, and children openly slaughtered the evil birds by the dozen until their blood ran ankle-deep. The scene was so terrible that the sky opened up and wept; torrents of rain fell upon the battlefield. Beaks open, the turkeys gazed up in horror (or stupidity. After all, they are only turkeys) and drowned as their mouths filled with water. The Tyrannosaurus rex headed back west into South Dakota (where it was found in 1990 and sent to the Field Museum in Chicago), and the battle was won y mankind. As dawn came on Thanksgiving morning, the people of Iowa City gathered up the corpses of the slaughtered turkeys and roasted them on the outskirts of town, sharing their remaining beer as they engaged in jubilant celebratory games. Thus, tailgating was born, and would always be traditionally continued with beer and big-ass turkey legs, (which can still be found at a stand on Melrose during all home game tailgates). The tradition spread, and now every team in America plays football on Thanksgiving (so that we can leave football up to the professionals) and everyone else still has an excuse to tailgate on Thanksgiving Day. You’re welcome.
06: The Turkey Drop
Like flies, relationships are dropping quickly this time of year.
13: we interview cut copy
if you don't know this aussie band, you should!