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Volume 1, Issue 5 | 11/16/11 - 11/30/11 | www.theblacksheeponline.com
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tale of a traumatic thanksgiving Anna Dubose wrote this
So… Thanksgiving. On one hand, hell yes! Turkey and stuffing and potatoes and macaroni and cheese and wine! Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade! The dog show! Wine! Sounds great, right? Wrong. The following is a rundown of a friend’s typical Thanksgiving. I know, because I’ve witnessed the horrors before with my own two eyes. Names have been changed to protect the douchebags. 9:47 a.m.: Mom beats on your door for the fifth time and demands that you get up right now, young lady, or there will be hell to pay. You curb the urge to throw something at her, toss on some clothes and plant yourself on the couch downstairs. At least you can watch the Macy’s Parade, ‘cause nothing says Thanksgiving quite like a gigantic Snoopy balloon! 10:20 a.m.: Dad comes in and asks that you help your mom just so she’ll shut up. You grudgingly oblige and start peeling potatoes. 10:41 a.m.: Your first guests arrive—it’s Grandma Jane and Grandpa Phil! Ditch the potatoes and go say hi. Regret the decision when grandma eyes your shirt and makes a snide remark. You have to remind yourself you’re not actually “a floozy.” 10:50 – 10:56 a.m.: Trapped in an awkward conversation with your weird Aunt Gloria about your love life – “Who are you dating? Is he ‘The One?’ You know your cousin got married straight out of college… you’re not going to disappoint the family, are you?” Grandma Jane overhears and butts in, asking just how much longer you’re going to make her wait for great-grandchildren. You die a little inside. 10:57 a.m.: Wait is that… yes, it is! Wine! You pretend you’ve just remembered you volunteered to set the table and make a beeline for the kitchen. Screw the silverware; you head for the sauce instead. If anything will save you today, it’s the wine.
Other stuff
Inside
11:03 a.m.: Two glasses of wine down, you volunteer to go in the backyard and supervise the kids. Your six-year-old cousin asks if you’ll swing with her and you agree. Suddenly this day isn’t so bad after all. 11:04 a.m.: Text younger sister and ask her to bring you a glass of wine outside, pretty please. 11:06 a.m.: Sister arrives with a Solo cup of wine. You thank her. She rolls her eyes and leaves, and you think you hear her mutter something that sounds suspiciously like “drunk ass” under her breath. Lil sis is all grown up! 11:19 a.m.: Break up fight between your fourteen-year-old brother and fifteen-year-old cousin. The cousin “accidentally” touched your left boob. Weird. You tell them to get their shit together. This is Thanksgiving, a time for celebration. Brother reminds you that Thanksgiving is a stupid, self-indulgent holiday created by greedy Americans to mask the genocide of Native Americans by our asshole ancestors, the bastards. You pretend you didn’t hear him. Back to the wine. 11:20 a.m.: Six-year-old cousin asks you what “bastard” means. Before you can answer, an uncle comes outside and wrangles the kids in, declaring it’s time to eat. Saved! 11:25 a.m.: Awkward prayer by your Dad, who you strongly suspect has been drinking scotch all morning. You wonder how he managed to carve the bird without necessitating a call to 911. 11:27 a.m.: Let the food coma commence. 11:41 a.m: Uncle Greg and brother get into a conversation about religion. Mom protests, saying this isn’t the time or place, but they insist. You and your sister feed scraps to the dog under the table and you wish you were still in bed. 11:55 a.m.: You are drunk. So is everyone else. Slurring 8-yearolds are hilarious. Wait, it’s not even noon yet?
04: the mistake
they never seem so ugly or psycho when you’re drunk.
11:56 a.m.: Aunt Gloria clinks her knife against her wine glass and says she has an announcement. Proceeds to tell the entire table that your cousin Erin, who lives in Florida, is having another baby! When the applause dies down, Grandma Jane asks if you’re next. 11:57 – 11:58 a.m.: Silence. Long, awkward silence. 11:59 a.m.: Six-year-old cousin asks where babies come from. Aunt Tricia launches into a story about the stork, which your older cousins immediately refute. Noon: The guys relocate to the living room to watch football. Your little cousins drag you upstairs to watch the National Dog Show. At least up there you can take a nap without anyone else all over your ass or your grandma staring into your soul 12:00 – 12:49 p.m.: Food coma plus copious amounts of wine equals PTFO. 12:49 p.m.: Cousins ask if they can play with your make-up. Halfasleep, you say whatever and tell them where the cheap stuff is. Fall back asleep. 3:09 p.m.: Wake up to an empty room. See that the Doberman won Best in Show. Consider getting into bed but go pee first. Realize cousins smeared make-up all over your face. Little bastards. 3:15 p.m.: After cleaning your face, go downstairs to see that everyone has left. Mom gives you an evil look and explains that she bailed for you and told them you didn’t feel well. Brother says none of them believed it and knew you were drunk as shit. You flip him off and the two of your proceed to wrestle it out in the middle of the living room. Dad shouts at you to knock it off because you’re blocking the football game. You realize you’ve made it! Everyone’s gone. You caught a good buzz. Your Grandma only embarrassed the shit out of you in front of everyone once, and you even fit in a nap.
06: college Budget ballin’
two words: ramen and mooching. Learn them, love them.
10 -11: two dope interviews we chat with dj 12th planet and songwriter mat kearney.
02
Table of 5
contents 5
12
Pg 5: nfl thanksgiving day preview We take a look at a delicious trio of games. It’s like a football turducken.
Pg 9: bartender of the week Jocelyn likes picking up men at the OGBYN and haaaates whining.
Pg 5: top ten Things not to Pg 12: graduating late: do at Thanksgiving... you can blessing or a curse? put the Crackberry down, Uh, it’s definitely a blessing. now. Pg 7: party pics The best of the best from Halloween.
Pg 14: seek and find Can you find the 10 items in the messy dorm room, you pig?
Pg 8: The famous bar grid Go out and save some money, so you can drink more.
Pg 15: the madlib All about prepping for turkey day.
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04
Everyone has one...
the mistake
www.theblacksheeponline.com Hooking up is part of college. You go to class Monday through Thursday, and then you party Thursday to Sunday, all while trying to get laid. If you aren’t doing this you’re either in a committed relationship (good for you) or you go to BYU (that blows...not literally). And while this all sounds awesome, we all know that the sauce, especially in large amounts, can make us do some pretty stupid shit. Like pooping in public places, ordering fast food in Spanish, or telling a cop he’s too fat to be a cop. And if you mix large amounts of booze with horny college kids, who are willing to hookup with almost anything that breathes, you find yourself with the result every college kid dreads: The Mistake. The Mistake occurs when the right amount of horny mixes with the right amount of alcohol to produce a hookup that makes you consider burning your genitals off with acid the next morning. Know that you are probably not alone, as there are many kinds of Mistakes: The Ugly: Classic. This is when you hookup with whoever looks at you at the right moment, no matter how many pimples they have or teeth they’re missing. You wake up the next morning sleeping next to Sloth from The Goonies with braces. Yes, you can brush your teeth with Clorox, but no chemical can wash off all that shame. The Clinger: Might as well just transfer now. After hook-
ing up with this guy or girl you can expect a text message bombardment for the next seven months asking about when you’re going to hang out next. “Meant to be” will become a familiar phrase with this one. Enjoy that. Captain Pee Pants: This person may be good looking. But it’s all a trick. Because after the hookup, you’re getting a nice warm treat. That’s right, you can expect to wake up midway through a golden shower with this Mistake, R. Kelly-style, baby. Have fun cleaning your sheets and explaining to your roommates that it wasn’t you. The Ex: Hooking up with your ex is messy. In some cases, you can end up rekindling your old connection and it can be great. (Most) other times, it can lead to an awkward morning and a whole lot of fighting. Be careful. The Too Young or Old: Old people are gross. Saggy boobs, Viagra, gray hair. It’s disgusting. But, on the other hand, going too young can get you into a lot of trouble. A 17-year-old freshman, high school seniors on college trips, peoples’ little brothers or sisters; they are all there to tempt you into breaking the law. It’s best to avoid this one, no matter how much you want to take the bait. The key to The Mistake is not to make it. But generations of college students prove this is impossible. So grab another beer and relax. The Mistake is ominous. So just remember: Denial is bliss.
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thanksgiving dinner dont’s 10) Don’t Get Stuck at the “Kids’ Table”: This is an easy “don’t”, to get sucked into. Let’s face it… your stories about shotgunning beers in the West End Zone won’t be appreciated by your 6 year-old cousins. 9) Don’t Show Up Hungover: This is a no brainer, no one wants to sit through seven hours of mandatory “family fun time”. Especially when you’re on the verge of puking out every one of your internal organs. Also, think of the cacophony of smells… that’s a one way ticket to hugging the porcelain throne. 8) Don’t Insult the Food: No one gives two shits that you don’t like Aunt Sally’s broccoli and tuna casserole, or that it tastes like complete and utter ass. This is Thanksgiving, and when it comes to the food it’s either nut up or shut up.
nfl thanksgiving day preview
chris dart wrote this
What’s the best part about Thanksgiving? Seeing the family? No School? Turkey? Well, those are all awesome, but it’s football that rules this holiday. And to be honest, I wouldn’t be surprised if kids these days thought that Thanksgiving was more about football than that shit about Pilgrims and Indians enjoying a few turkey sandwiches. You wake up, watch the parade, drink beer, watch football, eat turkey, watch football, take a nap, watch football, play board games, and go to bed. And here’s what we’re dealing with this year: 12:30 PM – Green Bay Packers @ Detroit Lions - FOX Who would have thought this game would be the headliner? Super Bowl champions versus the…Lions? Any other year this game would’ve been a laugher, but Matthew Stafford, Calvin Johnson and Ndamukong Suh have Lions fans believing there is more to their city than Eminem and Chrysler commercials. This makes for an incredible game day atmosphere at Ford Field. Meanwhile, Green Bay’s quarterback Aaron Rodgers is playing like a human cheat code and I’m pretty sure Packers linebacker Clay Matthews is a direct descendant of Thor. So try not to go drink for drink with Grandma on Wednesday night because you can’t beat her, and you can’t miss this game. No matter how early waking up at 12:30 P.M. seems, it’ll be worth it. This game will be a shootout. But in the end, the atmosphere will be too much for even the Packers to overcome. The upset goes to Detroit with a last minute field goal by the ageless Jason Hanson.
still a bust and the only exciting Miami Dolphin, Brandon Marshall, belongs in a psychiatric hospital alongside Ray Finkle (Laces Out, Dan!). The Dolphins have yet to find their offensive groove since Dan Marino retired…in 1999…and most likely won’t find it against Rob Ryan’s defense. As for Tony Romo, the biggest douchebag in the NFL, well, he’s not terrible. After winning a game with broken ribs and a punctured lung, you can’t question his toughness. Plus he loves Thanksgiving, (3-0 record with 10 touchdowns and just two interceptions). With Miles Austin and Dez Bryant catching Romo’s bombs, the Cowboys should run away with this one. 8:20 PM – San Francisco 49ers @ Baltimore Ravens – NFL Network It’s time to wake up from your Turkeyinduced nap, grab a beer and put your hand in your pants because this game will be one to watch. This will be the first time ever that two brother head coaches, Jim and John Harbaugh, will face each other in an NFL game. The surprising 49ers have looked like a throwback team from the 80’s so far this year and the Ravens are one of the best defenses in the NFL. If you like lots of scoring, then go play Scrabble with Mom, Dad and creepy Uncle Denny, because this one is not for you. But if you want to watch a game that will have plenty of big hits, turnovers and a chance of seeing Ray Lewis kill a guy (again), then tune in. Unfortunately for Jim Harbaugh and the 49ers, Ray Rice plays for Baltimore, not San Francisco, and he will eventually be the difference.
“tony romo, the biggest douchebag in the nfl, well, he’s not terrible.”
4:15 PM – Miami Dolphins @ Dallas Cowboys - CBS Set aside these three hours for a nap. Miami quarterback Chad Henne is out for the season, Reggie Bush is
There it is football fans. Now go stuff your face, unbutton your pants and watch some football. Maybe even Grandpa will wake up from his nap on the recliner. Well, at least somebody should check his pulse.
7) Don’t Get Cornered by Anything in Diapers: This rule applies to both babies and the elderly. It’s a short trip on the struggle bus from complimenting your 3rd cousin on her brandnew baby, to being the impromptu babysitter covered in spit-up. Same rule applies for Grandpa, one quick “how-do-ya-do” by the pumpkin pie and BAM! You’ll find yourself in a full-force conversation about why gun control is important, breathing in old-man smell and worse, old-man farts. 6) Don’t Get Cornered by the Crazy Uncle or Aunt: Everyone has one. That one uncle who may or may not be moonlighting as the biggest drug dealer in the tri-county area, or the one aunt who may or may not be working the main pole at the Eager Beaver Gentlemen’s Club on Tuesday nights. Avoid that relative, you’ll inevitably get stuck discussing their less-thanamusing existence. 5) No Discussing Religion, Politics, or Grades: You’ll be sitting at a dinner table within slapping distance of every single one of your relatives, not to mention the sharp cutlery. It’s probably best to avoid every one of these topics. 4) No Texting at the Table: This is a toughie, but it is doable. It all boils down to, whether or not you really want to get into a screaming match with your dad over your iPhone usage just to send a text saying “Macy’s Day Parade sucks. LOL.”Didn’t think so. 3) Don’t Alienate Your Siblings: This is go time when it comes to sibling relations. Your brother or sister is your ultimate ally in this fuckery they call the holiday season. You need them by your side as an escape route, scapegoat, or just plain entertainment. Also, if they still live at home, they are your best connection to your parents…should you need someone to put in a good word for you for some extra cash money. 2) Bring an Appropriate Hostess Gift: Aunt Bertha does not want to receive a beer funnel and a pack of Solo cups from your ass. Bring her a nice bottle of wine, if you’re feeling like baller. Not rollin’ in the Benjamins? A good ol’ box of Franzia will do just fine. 1) No Significant Others: This is the absolute worst time to introduce your new boyfriend or girlfriend to your family. There are smelly grandparents, drunken aunts and uncles and crying babies just waiting to attack your hot new fling. Not to mention, for an outsider… it’s like walking into a lion’s den, but with more undercooked stuffing. One or both of your parents will corner this poor young individual and bombard them with questions like “where did ya’ll meet?”, “how long have ya’ll been together?”, and the dreaded, “are you two sexually active?” Do us all a favor, save the stress and bring your significant other to a less intense holiday, and that’s something you’ll be thankful for.
Chelsea Taylor wrote this
06
college Budget Ballin’ paige dolton wrote this
Now that we’re almost done with a semester, I think we’ve all realized how hard it can be to actually stick to some sort of budget. By breaking the bank early, some of us find ourselves scraping the floor for change, donating blood for a few bucks and making out with the homeless for pennies at the end of the year. If you’re having any trouble handling your money, here’s a few tips on how to keep your wallet full without starving to death. Buy off-brand: The box for the name brand product looks a whole lot better, but let’s be serious: there is absolutely no difference in the quality of the food. GreatValue macaroni and cheese tastes exactly as shitty as Kraft macaroni and cheese, and for half the price, which means you can double down on flavortown. The name brand plastic silverware really will cut your food just as poorly as the GreatValue silverware will. That is, assuming you can afford food. Stop eating out: You’re paying way more money to eat that mystery meat quarter pounder than you would if you were to scarf down some grade-f meat at home. The more you go out to eat, the more your money just seems to fly out of your bank account without you even noticing, so try to keep it to a minimum. It doesn’t matter if you think packing a lunch in a lunchbox makes you look like you’re five years old, you’ll feel like a five-year-old when you go to bed at 10p.m. on a Friday ‘cause you’re bored and broke, and everyone else is out at the bar.
Borrow everything: Do you just have to have that dress to wear out tomorrow night? Chances are one of your friends has one almost exactly like it. Don’t give in to the power of splurging. Before you know it, your ‘splurge’ will almost make you go broke, and it’s not fun at all. If you live in a dorm, this is so easy; just knock on your neighbor’s door and ask to borrow an article of their clothing. And the good news is, this isn’t limited to just clothes. If you need to borrow any basic household item, a book, the occasional slice of bread, even some toothpaste (but only to the point where it doesn’t annoy the other person), borrow away! Congratulations, you’ve just discovered the easiest way to save money.
"and if you run out of cash at the end of the night, it makes it a whole lot easier to mooch from people.”
Paper instead of plastic: If you are going downtown for the night, carry only cash, no cards. We all try to avoid looking up the damage that we did to our bank account the night before. Like, how many beers did I buy, and who convinced me to order $60 worth of pizza at 5a.m.? By just bringing cash with you, you are automatically limiting yourself to spending only that certain amount of money for the night. And, if you run out, it makes it a whole lot easier to mooch from people because you don’t have to lie; you really don’t have any money with you!
In case you can’t follow through with any of these tactics, you can always pull the ‘I’m a broke college student’ line during your bi-weekly phone call with mom. She’s always good for a quick $40 in the mail, and that can last you a week, right?
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Sarah, I miss you. Come back and play find the saltine with me! -Megs To the couple holding hands taking up the whole sidewalk in front of me, I will red rover y’all if y’all don’t let me through! To the rude douche in the lifted truck: after cutting me off and nearly running a cyclist off the road, I thoroughly enjoyed watching you get pulled over moments later. Happy Monday! To anyone counting down the days until the Twilight premiere: I hate you. Dear neighbors, If you don’t start cleaning up your dog’s shit I will not hesitate to run it over. It’s either the drugs or the eye makeup. Either way, you look like a crack whore. -Your Ex To my sketchy downstairs neighbor: My house smells like an ashtray. What are you doing down there? Johnny, it’s really not cool for ou to hook up in my bed everytime I go home. Next time, I’ll stream the video. Thanks, Mike To the guy who blew our date off for my sister...I heard you have scabies now. How’s that going? <3, Lotis D, even though your mom is over 100 miles away you don’t need to yell on the phone for her to hear you. And though it may be a shock, we really could care less about your conversations, so please simmer down. Slso, get over yourself and you “boyfriend”--Everyone
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Bartenderof the Issue
Jocelyn M. friars
Relationship status: Single favorite Drink: Therapy Pussy— coconut jack, vodka, crown, and cranberry, and splash Red Bull Favorite shot: Vodka Tonic/Vodka Red Bull Worst drink ever: Vomit—Soco Pepper and Jose Cuervo If you could only eat 3 foods a day, what would they be? Pineapple, chocolate and peanut butter. If you could be anyone for a day, who would it be and why? Hugh Hefner. I think he’s had the most fortunate, fabulous life of anyone alive. What is the worst pick-up line you’ve heard on the job? Hey girl, let me put my finger in your butthole. What do you consider to be the
drinking game:
beer ball
Like beer? Have balls? Boy, have we got a game for you. What You Need: A case of beer, at least one ping pong ball, and a table. Number of Players: Four exactly – no more, no less, no exceptions. Intoxication Level: You’ll lose your balls. How To Play: - Like beer pong, there are two teams of two players in this game, and each team stands at opposing ends of the table. - Place a can of beer upside down at each corner of the table (four beers total). - One player will throw the ping pong ball at the opposing team’s beer that is diagonal from him. - If he hits the beer can, his teammate on his side of the table must flip over his can of beer and start chugging. - His teammate will only stop chugging once either member of the opposing team has retrieved the ping pong ball and placed it on the table. - It is to be expected that one teammate will finish his beer first. In this case he will be the only member throwing for the remainder of the game in order to have his teammate finish his beer too. - The winning team is the team who is able to finish every last drop of both of their beers first. The Game Ends When: You actually start tripping on the balls.
most annoying quality anyone can have? Lying. Most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to you: When I was pregnant, my OBGYN Debbie asked me to allow an intern to examine me. I was the absolute fattest; I couldn’t shave my-anything, I was 8 months pregnant, and in walks the hottest guy I had ever seen in my life. All I said was ‘Debbie, fuck you. Hi I’m Jocelyn.’ If you could create a holiday, what would it be? I think there should be a day where you can do whatever you want. You should have the option of being naked and not going to jail. We can call it “WTF Day.” What dead person would you most want to bring back to life? George Carlin - because he’s the funniest son of a bitch that was ever
alive. Boxers, briefs or freeballing?/ Granny panties/thong/commando? Boxers. I actually don’t care, as long they’re not tighty whities. Commando for girls. However I do wear underwear to church, and occasionally for funerals. But never for a wedding; unless it’s in a church. Guilty pleasure: Ben and Jerry’s Chubby Hubby Country/location you most want to visit: Brazil. Anywhere naked in Brazil. Or Australia. Maybe London. First thing you notice in a guy: Depends on the guy. If he’s facing me, his teeth. If he’s not, then his ass. And you always look for that bulge; or lack thereof. Quickest way to piss you off? Either lying or whining.
recipe for disaster:
Hot Dog Mac and Cheese
Remember when you were a kid and your mom made you lunch? It was probably macaroni and cheese and a hot dog on multiple occasions. I bet you miss those days. Lucky for you, there’s a college kid’s version of it!
What you need: Any box of mac and cheese, any kind of hot dog, a stove, a microwave, pepper (optional), tobasco sauce (optional), and bread (also optional). Cook time: Ten minutes. Tops. Fatty factor: This all depends on your meat to pasta ratio. It’s clearly carb and sodium heavy, but who cares? You can be healthy when you graduate. Let’s Get bakin’: -Turn on the stovetop, boil that water. -Add the noodles and wait for them to soften. -Drain noodles. -Microwave your desired amount of hot dogs on a paper plate. Maximum 1 minute. -Add your butter to the macaroni and stir until it’s mostly melted. -Add the provided cheese packet and stir. -Add the milk (for cheesier mac and cheese, add minimal milk). -Stir until it’s all nice and creamy. -Chop up your hot dogs into small pieces and add the hot dogs to the macaroni and cheese. Stir. -For some extra flavor, add your desired amount of pepper and/or tobasco sauce. -If you’re in the mood for a sandwich, grab some bread and pile on the Mac and Cheese. -Get a plate, and go at it like you’re about to be fucking executed. Or if you’re in the mood for something lighter and more hilarious, eat it in front of your friends and make panting noises as you chew. This lets them know how orgasmic it is. This recipe is awesome because it’s a throwback to your childhood. It’s cheap and affordable (ideal college kid foods), and if you decide to use the bread, it’s even going to help out your hangover!
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12 planet th
The Black Sheep: How did you get involved making dubstep music? Was there a moment you first heard dubstep and you realized that’s what you wanted to do? 12th Planet: Before the whole dubstep explosion I was producing and DJing drum and bass, my alias was Infiltrata and I was touring really, really hard. I was always going to England, and I was also playing in Europe, Canada, and all over the US. I got to hang out in Europe in 2005 or 2006, and I played this show that had a checkin room with a screen playing this music that sounded like slow drum and bass, and I was like, “What is this stuff?,” like I kind of didn’t like it at first. I just thought it was some sick joke. One of my boys was like “Have you ever heard this music dubstep?” I went to England again to that same place for New Year’s Eve and we saw how fast dubstep was, we heard like 40 different languages in one night. It was people from Slovakia and China and people from Hungary and Amsterdam and France and everyone was there to just support the movement, and this was in 2006? Maybe 2007? That’s when I got hooked, it just blew my mind, everything about it. TBS: How would you describe how dubstep differs from regular electronic music? 12th Planet: The difference was more blatant four or five years ago, but I think where dubstep is now is this kind of melting pot of like electro house and big room house and rave, and drum and bass all put into one. It used to just be noises, like all other electronic music, but it had different BPM, beats per minutes. It has 140 beats per minute, but the people singing are at half-time, like 70 BPM, but the rest of the energy on the track is at 140 BPM. That’s
Rising dubstep DJ, 12th Planet, has more enthusiasm than you could pack into a bottle rocket. This LA native can talk for hours, about getting his DJ name from a book about aliens (“It will fucking change you life. It fucked me up so hard.”) to what he calls his bong (“I think it’s just called ‘The Lakers Bong.’”) But mostly this down-to-earth dude loves making music, preferably with Skrillex at all times of the day, and performing for the masses. Check him out with Skrillex on The Mothership Tour, hitting up towns all around the US.
JESS SOMMERS WROTE THIS
the difference between all the other electronic music and dubstep, the beats per minute. TBS: How do you go about making a new song and new beats? 12th Planet: I just get a little inspiration and smoke a little weed and just start writing. I don’t start with drums or start with bass, I just do whatever I feel like. If I have a sample I’ll start with the sample and build around, but if I have a drum kit that I made I’ll just start with that drum kit, or if I’m messing around with a razor or something that makes a cool noise, I’ll just make a song from there. Sometimes they see the light of day, sometime they don’t. One out of every 15 tracks sees the light of day. TBS: You’re on tour now with Skrillex, and it seems like you guys are pretty good friends. How did you guys meet? 12th Planet: Oh, that’s my bud. That’s a damn good question. He was always that kid that was at the shows and we’d talk about the songs that were playing. Then we saw each other at Coachella like two years ago and he started sending me tracks and I fell in love with them right off the bat. Before he started making beats by himself he was in that band From First to Last which was a vocal project, and in those tracks he had sick production and the songwriting was amazing. So I invited him to come sing his songs on my sets, so we did that two or three times and we’ve just been close every since. He lives in downtown LA, I live in downtown, we have a lot of the same friends. It’s always party time. TBS: What can someone expect from a 12th Planet Show?
12th Planet: Lots of jumping and girls taking their shirts off and crowd-surfing and people rushing the barricade and having so much fun. TBS: Do you have any pre-show rituals or post-show rituals? 12th Planet: I used to just drink a lot, but now I’m just sober for all my shows, so that’s my ritual now. It used to be instead of trying to entertain everybody else it was just me partying and DJing for myself. Now it’s like, since I’m on this tour and playing 5000 capacity rooms you kind of have to be on point and interact with the crowd and have a better performance. So I was like that [inebriated] for the last two or three years but the last couple of months, the last 40 or 50 shows, I’ve been kind of sober. That’s my pre-show ritual now; my post-show ritual is to get drunk. TBS: What’s the first thing you’re drinking? 12th Planet: I’m drinking Stella. It’s my favorite beer, it’s on my rider. That and vodka and sugarfree Red Bull. TBS: What else is on your rider? 12th Planet: A bucket of fried chicken, grape soda, Magnum condoms, watermelon and grapes. TBS: If you could collaborate with anybody dead or alive, who would you pick? 12th Planet: Skrillex, every day of the week. If I could I’d work with him every minute of every day. TBS: So I have a feeling I already know this answer, but if you were trapped in an elevator for 24-hours who is the one person you
thanks for nothing, thanksgiving! Music: Mary J. BligeMy Life II…The Journey Continues Release Date: November 21, 2011 Why It’ll Shut ‘Em Up: The soulful wail of Mrs. Blige is the siren song for recently-broken hearts. Even if you’re serially single, keep this album on repeat— and loud—to make sure that no one joins you in the fake frown town you’ve built. If any siblings don’t fall for the ruse, you’re going to have to recruit them, we suggest offering a 20% cut of whatever your parents give you for pity presents.
wish you were stuck with? 12th Planet: Skrillex, that’s my boy. We’d make that empty elevator a party, we’d probably make music off the level buttons on the elevator, maybe hit the fire alarm a few times. Record it on a phone and call it a day. TBS: In your dressing room, or in life, would you prefer to have a chocolate fountain or a melted cheese fountain? 12th Planet: A chocolate fountain. But the cheese does sound kind of good, too. I can’t answer that question. If it’s nacho cheese to dip nachos in it, then I’m going with that. TBS: Finish this sentence: “Nothing turns me on more than…” 12th Planet: Oh. That’s a tough one. I should go with the obvious, but that’s not interesting. Oh gosh, fuck. I mean… uh… uh… oh god this is tough! TBS: If you want to say “tits and ass” you can say that. 12th Planet: Tits and ass, dude! Let’s go with that. That’s the honest to God truth. Watching Breaking Bad turns me on, too. JESS SOMMERS WROTE THIS
Excited to spend some quality time with the family this Thanksgiving? Didn’t think so. Here’s some Thanksgiving releases that scream, “My media intake is more important than talking to you.” By: Brendan
Movie: The Muppets Release Date: November 23, 2011 Why It’ll Shut ‘Em Up: Your parents grew up during the Muppets’ heyday, back when they’d light up a jay, flip on channel 2 and mellow out before a night on the town. They’ll know exactly why you’re seeing this movie, but will be too scared of potential confrontation to call you out on your motives.
Video Game: Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3 Release Date: November 8, 2011 Why It’ll Shut ‘Em Up: “I swear to shit you little scummy jizz taster, try to come in here again and I’ll fistfuck your decapitated mom’s neckhole.” Your parents will assume the machine gun swearing directed towards 13-year-olds coming from your side of the door is meant for them. They never knew you thought about grandma that way, especially after she died in that horrific guillotine accident.
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Mat Kearney
the interview
We got to chat with Mat Kearney, a passionate 30-something singer/songwriter/storyteller to talk about life as an ever evolving musician. Be sure to check out Kearney’s latest album Young Love, as well as on a tour near you. By: Brendan
CD REVIEW
The Black Sheep: How do you describe yourself as a musician? Mat Kearney: Not very well. I tend to say I’m a songwriter but when I think “What kind of music?” it’s somewhere between melodic storytelling and beats. I haven’t quite figured out how I fit into the whole thing, I can’t tell if that’s what makes me annoying or endearing, but I’m trying to figure that out myself. TBS: If you were to describe yourself in 5 words to a stranger, what words would you use? MK: Storyteller, epic, melodic, beat-driven, songwriter. TBS: You talk about where you do and do not fit in, and you’ve said that your influences range from Bob Dylan to A Tribe Called Quest. When you write music, do you purposely try to incorporate those contrasting sounds or is it just natural? MK: It’s a natural evolution, it’s reconciling where you’ve come from and what you’re into currently. [When I was young] I was a little skater kid that listened to a lot of hip-hop music and ran around getting arrested for doing graffiti on things, and then I went to college and become a literature major and prided myself on my ability to write. At the core I still love rhythmic story telling but I also fall in love with different kinds of music every day. TBS: Who are some musicians today that you really enjoy? MK: I really love Drake’s last record, if we’re talking about hip-hop. I still think Tom Waits is the greatest living. I really like Adele’s record, I know it’s a huge record. I really enjoy the new Noah and the Whale, too. TBS: How do you go through the songwriting process when it’s just you and your guitar? Do you ever hesitate because there isn’t really someone to check you, or do you like not having to run your ideas past someone else? MK: I think I have a cool thing going because when it comes to sitting down and writing a song by myself there’s a magic in that that happens and I do that. There’s songs like “Learning to Love Again” and “Rochester” on my record that are just me and a guitar in my living room. But a lot of songs that I write, the music is a collaboration. A lot of the record we would sit down and create beats and grooves and changes, almost like a hiphop record. Then I would take it away and try to write the most gut-wrenching story over the grooves. Maybe we would add guitar later so I had something to do on stage, but there are a lot of collaborations going on. TBS: Do you go into writing a new album with an idea in mind? How much thought goes into an album? MK: It’s much more organic, how the songs come out. Singer/songwriters get boring most of the time, so I knew that I wanted to have moments where you would put this record on in your car and it would make your head bob. But I also knew that I wanted to have these stories that had to follow, these gut-wrenching narratives of people. I want one of those people to be myself and those people around me, and I guess that’s all I knew when I set out to make this record. Me falling in love and getting married and that part of my life, there are a lot of songs about that butterfly-in-your-stomach thing, because I was going through that. TBS: How do you strike that balance between experimenting with music and knowing that fans and others above you have expectations of you? MK: I don’t know how to do that, I struggle with that. On this record I didn’t make a licensing record, which I’ve been known to do. I wrote about a lot of specifics and I know that doesn’t always work well when you’re trying to license it, but I just felt like I needed to do that for my own sake and for a story that I wanted to tell. You don’t want to totally change the rules on your fans every record, but I think my voice and my writing approach and the stories I choose to write about, people can relate quite make the cut like Lil Wayne or Eminem. to that stylistically and also emotionally. Look, I can appreciate some hilariously offensive TBS: How is the touring lifestyle different for someone who plays on stage rap lyrics and appreciate them in a creative, poalone? etic way, because rap is essentially rhyming poetry, MK: We’re a 5-piece band and it’s pretty rock-heavy; I more model myself after right? These dudes just write poems about bitches Bruce Springsteen then Bob Dylan. I’ve had guys that have played with me for six and guns and whatever, right? He raps in the song years and they are some of my best friends and they play on my records. It’s an in“Marvin’s Room” that he’s had “sex four times this teresting existence because at the end of the day you have the final say, but there’s week.” Wow… neat. In his title song “Take Care” a lot of times where it’s very democratic process, much like a band. I don’t think he talks about it being his birthday and that he’ll I get the full benefit of the camaraderie that comes with being in a band; there’s cry if he wants to… psych! He’ll actually “get high” some days where this is a job for some people, and with all the traveling it gets if he wants to, which is a wonderfully original play lonely. I try to level the playing field so they feel respected as band members on on words. stage. It’s a weird distance. I think the way I’ve gotten around it is just hiring really good friends. The tracks with the interesting collaborations TBS: If you had the opportunity to collaborate with someone living or dead, who (Andre 3000, Rihanna, Nicki Minaj) are stand-out would you choose? songs on the album. I guess I’m just not a Drake MK: Bruce Springsteen or Jay-Z. It’d be exciting. fan, plain and simple. Hell, he even got a “Best TBS: If tomorrows aliens come to planet Earth and they chose you to fight for New Music” review from Pitchfork music which, in the survival of the world with any one thing, what topic do you take them on in? all honesty, makes me start to question Pichfork’s MK: I would put them in a navigational challenge – I am like Magellan in my head, legitimacy. man. Meet me anywhere, and I know exactly what direction we are in. I know where I am at all moments, it’s kind of spooky to people. I know the quickest route to Oh yeah, I just remembered his one song! He has everywhere we’re going, always. those lyrics “last name ever, first name greatest” TBS: What goes on your perfect sandwich? from that Sprite commercial. Good for him. MK: It would be pepper turkey, Muenster cheese, lettuce, red onions, balsamic vinegar. Classic. It works every time. Sounds Like: Really lame rap music. Listen to it When: You’re around Drake fans.
Out Now
drake
Take Care
Taking care of his fans but not making new ones
Canadian-born confied-to-a-wheelchair-actor turned apparently legitimate Jewish rapper (oh, he’s not exclusively Jewish?) Drake released his second album this week Take Care. Despite his all-around fame (Degrassi, this apparently popular rap, even a role in a freakin’ video game) it seems that little ole’ me has no idea about this dude. His rapping has never been anything worth listening to and upon writing this review, I couldn’t even recall his “one popular song.” Oh, there’s more than one? Go figure. I came into listening to this album with a relatively clean palate. I know that I’ve tried this before – I don’t exactly recall what exactly – but I just know that I didn’t really like it that much. Drake has a really boring voice and has never done anything unique or especially interesting with his music, considering he’s in a genre where it’s acceptable to go HAM and to be on the cutting-edge. With so many shitty wanna-be rappers and over-produced artists out there it’s easy to not catch my attention, which Drake has never done. On top of all of that, Drake’s actual rapping is nothing to write home about, and his attempts at humor (please tell me he isn’t being serious) don’t
D-
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Graduating Late: a blessing or a curse? chelsea taylor wrote this As we’re winding down the Fall 2011 semester, some of us are facing what we all thought was unthinkable; the semester-late December graduation. It’s real and it’s swiftly approaching, but the real question is; is graduating late necessarily a bad thing? Let’s examine the pros and cons of this mythical form of graduation. Blessing: Let’s face it, while on paper graduating late may look a little sketch, in reality it’s kind of a sweet deal. By being a semester behind, not only do you get a little more time to retake classes you may or may not have failed, you can just ride out those leisure skill hours for as long as possible. Yoga, riflery and ceramics, anyone? Think of all the extra time that you have here in Tigertown. You’ve just maximized and multiplied your time for an all-out Clemson fuckery. Since you won’t be graduating in May, you’ll have another summer to bask in Clemson’s greatness. That means another summer to spend at Keowee, Table Rock, Triple T’s, TD’s, and your apartment complex’s pool. You’re living the life of a champion right now, kid. And that’s just summer. We haven’t even begun the discussion on the biggest and most important perk of the extra semester that you’ve earned. You’ve gained yourself another season of Clemson football, my friend. That’s right; you and your late-graduating ass get to spend another glorious season in Death Valley. Soak it up; this really is the last one you’ll get. Tailgate like a pro, hell, you should be one by now, drink ‘til your liver screams, and yell the Cadence Count like never before. This really is your last chance at greatness, so do all the things you never did during the stan-
dard “four years.” Wear that root suit, paint up, and stand for four hours on The Hill. You’re like a bornagain freshman; it’s a whole new world. Curse: The biggest con to this whole situation is… you’re not graduating on time. You’ll get to enjoy another semester of classes, tests and professors who mist you with spittle at 8 a.m. Oh, that and there’s that whole stigma about saying you’re graduating late. You know the face that you get when people ask if you’re a senior and you have to say, “I am, but I’ll graduate in December…” is the face that you’ll be looking at for the next three months. Plus there’s the whole pesky thing of not going to the big graduation in May, the one with all the pomp and circumstance, with all your friends and those fucks from high school you graduated with. But you’ll be alright; you get to graduate at the smaller K-Mart version of that. And so what if you don’t have a real head-start on life? Jobs will still be there in January, right? At least you have some good ol’ Clemson football to look forward to. Essentially, a December graduation, like finals week or your mom, can only suck as hard as you let it suck. In all reality, it’s neither a blessing nor a curse, it’s a mash up of hot mess that can only be described as a “choose your own adventure”. Take it from me; I’ll see y’all in December.
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The Black Sheep Presents:
the pre-thanksgiving thank you letter
amalgamation of all the things that you’ve taught us throughout the season. To begin, we’ll have a turkey roasted to perfection—a symbol of our learning to read. The fowl, which we now know is different from its homonym, foul, is something that you taught us (even though our kind may later deny any claim of your tribe’s literacy due to our even more overt racism in the future). To accompany the fowl, we will have a bevy of corn (significance already covered), dozens of fresh-baked rolls (to represent the importance of your role in teaching us how to bake), several squashes (squash being the best natural remedy for syphilis and hunger), and a plethora of pumpkin pies (a symbol of the first inanimate object we learned to make love to). It really would mean the world to us if you and the rest of the Patuxets joined us. My brother, Henry, even prepared a poem for the occasion. I know that he wanted to keep it a secret, but if you’re still debating whether or not to come, I think this might persuade you: A Thanksgiving Haiku: So sorry we are For everything done we have Squanto that we love
Dearest Squanto, I want you to know that you are very important to me. If I had to choose between a night of fellatio from my finest lady and a night of male bonding with you, I’d probably choose to get my knob slobbed on… but I’d be thinking of you. Seriously though, Squants, I really cannot thank you enough for everything you have done for my people. Us Whites were just the darn worst to you and your tribe when we first arrived and captured you, but we want to make it up to you. We would be absolutely delighted if all of you would join us for a feast tomorrow evening as a small token of our immense appreciation. Heck, before you and your tribe came along, we were sticking the cobs of corn into our anuses; you taught us to put them in our mouths. That piece of knowledge alone was enough to completely change the way we approached our day-to-day life—literally 100% different now. Anyway, we hope that the dinner we prepare will serve as an edible (and delicious)
Henry is very sensitive about his writing, so I hope you’ll take this opportunity to support him in his pursuit to become fully literate. He has written several other poems about you, but I think he misunderstood the meaning of some words because all of the others contained several sexually explicit references to your genitalia and his sister’s “rosy hole.” The point is—we need you guys to be there. It wouldn’t feel right if you weren’t part of the celebration. We’re going to drink beer and smash things at the rock before dinner, say grace and give thanks, feast, smoke our pipes, and then make love to our women (in group fashion). We especially hope that you’ll join us for that portion of the night— that niece of yours is growing up to be a real tall drink of water. I wouldn’t mind if she harvested my crop… if you know what I mean. If you don’t know what I mean, I mean I want her to weave my basket. And if you don’t know what I mean by that, I’m pretty sure Henry wrote a poem about it that also contained some pretty graphic images. Anywho, I suppose if the world is full of sugarplums and dreams come true, (like I hope it is), I’ll see you tomorrow. Warm Regards and Gentle Hugs, John Smith
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madlib: prepping for thanksgiving 1. Hardest class 2. Campus bar 3. Roommate 4. Favorite professor 5. Recent hookup 6. Bodily function 7. Article of clothing 8. Kitchen item 9. Hometown bar 10. High school name 11. Cheapest booze ever 12. High school enemy
13. Number 14. High school slut 15. Weird uncle 16. Body part 17. Cousin 18. Article of clothing 19. Cartoon movie 20. Food 21. Room 22. Sexual activity 23. High school hookup 23. High school teacher
Wow, I am so excited for Thanksgiving break. Right after my _____1_____ test, I am going to hit up _____2_____ with _____3_____ and _____4_____ for a final night hoorah. Hopefully I won’t see _____5_____, because last time we met, I ended up _____6_____ in my _____7_____, and woke up wearing a _____8_____ for some reason? Weird. Anyway, once I get home, I plan on meeting up with the old crew. We already have plans to go to _____9_____ and _____10_____, and definitely drink some _____11_____ like we used to do back in the day. I also heard that _____12_____ gained at least _____13_____ pounds, and that _____14_____ is pregnant! So, I have to see them so I can make some jokes. As for Thanksgiving, well, I just hope that crazy Uncle _____15_____ doesn’t show up. Last time he came over, I swear he wanted to touch my _____16_____ while _____17_____ watched. He always asks creepy questions about my _____18_____, which just seems so strange. Anyway, after dinner, I hope we get to watch _____19_____, it’s my favorite movie by far. If we don’t, I’m just going to take all the extra _____20_____ from dinner, sit in the _____21_____, and go to town until I puke on myself. Sounds like the perfect break to me! I just hope it doesn’t go by too fast; I want to make sure I have enough time to _____22_____ _____23_____ and _____24_____, like old times!
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the Quiz 1. The last time you did laundry was:
a. I’ve got a load in right now, don't you? b. A couple weeks ago. c. Haha… oh wait, you’re serious? I've been wearing my bathing suit for weeks now...
2. When you hear the phrase, “pulling an all nighter,” you think... a. Welcome to my life. b. Are we talking about sex? 'Cause if so, that happened last night. And the night before. c. Yeah, I did one of those once, I think…
3. You talk to your friends from home...
a. Every week at the same time, like you planned after graduation. b. During breaks, if you're lucky.
results
How badly do you need Thanksgiving Break? c. We all go to the same school. Best friends for life!
4. The last time you had a solid home cooked meal was... a. Last night, if you count Chili’s. b. The other night; I have all of mom's recipes, it's great! c. A few weeks ago when I went home to see mommy and daddy.
5. Your bank account goes up when... a. I work double shifts...you know... b. It never goes up, only down (insert sexual joke here). c. I spend “quality time” with the relatives and make them feel bad about how poor I am.
8-12 points: aren't i on break now?
Wait. I haven't been to class in weeks and mom 6. A typical night's sleep conand dad keep sending me food, booze, and money... sists of... why do I want to go home? I guess it will be nice to a. Listening to your neighbor get it on with yet another random person. b. You completely passed out from a night of partying. c. You waking up to your roommate's alarm at 6AM.
throw back a few with pops and have mom buy me some new shoes, but I'll live without driving all the way back for a few days of boredom. Screw it! I can get a Thanksgiving dinner at TGI Friday's, right? That seems like a way better idea, plus I can keep my 3-month bender going!
7. Your personal theme song is…
13-17 points: i think I could use a break I'm not desperate to get home, but it would be nice to see the gang from high school, go to the old hangout, and get into some trouble around town. I might stick around here for a few days before getting back, because let's be serious, there's only so much of mom and dad I can really handle!
a. Wiz Kalifa "No Sleep" b. Jay-Z/Kanye "In Paris" c. Skrillex "Scary Monsters"
8. Your favorite Modern Family Character is... a. Phil b. Gloria c. Manny
Answers
1. a1 b2 c3 2. a3 b2 c1 3. a2 b3 c1 4. a3 b1 c2 5. a1 b2 c3 6. a2 b1 c3 7. a1 b3 c2 8. a2 b3 c1
18-24 points : I need thanksgiving break now! I need to get the hell out of here before my stomach caves in from lack of nutrition and my dirty laundry attacks me. Seriously, my life is getting out of control and I can't handle working all morning, going to class all afternoon, studying all evening, and then watching everyone else get some action at night. I need to get home, eat some food, and call up that old hookup from high school right now!
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