Volume 1, Issue 1 | 9/01/11 - 9/22/11 | theblacksheeponline.com
The
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Black Sheep
“A College Newspaper That’s Actually About College”
The “Faux-Beer” Effect Elise Barbeau wrote this WARNING: Subjects of this experiment may be angered by its results. Treat with extreme caution. Hypothesis: Drinking fake beer will have subjects pretend to be drunken idiots. Growing up in New York, I’ve become accustomed to seeing beer sold basically wherever food can also be purchased. For example, supermarkets, 7-Eleven-type convenience stores, gas stations, even drug stores, sell alcoholic beverages. Upon my arrival at the University of Delaware, I was initially surprised at the strict liquor purchasing laws and the lack of brews lining grocery store shelves. However, one type of “beer” that is present is “O’Douls,” along with other brands of the non-alcoholic variety. Out of sheer curiosity and as a result of perhaps a little too much time on my hands, I set out this summer to test whether or not the average college student would realize if they were drinking non-alcoholic beer as opposed to the real deal. How would they act during the experiment? What would be their reaction when they learned the truth? I was more than willing to risk some insults, so I bought 60 of the substitute beverages and waited for the best opportunity to strike. Procedure: Throw party, select unfortunate test subjects, exploit them shamelessly for sake of experiment (and this article). Finally, one weekend in early August, my sister and I decided to have a small party at our house and watch as four of our unsuspecting friends were duped by our slightly heartless trick. We had previously selected two boys and two girls, all over the age of 21, who attend self-proclaimed “party schools.” Knowing this background information, we figured that they should be pretty well acquainted with beer. We let another one of our friends in on the joke, the one who was playing bartender, to keep count of their consumption and to ensure that these poor schlubs drank nothing but the “fake” beers. Data: Unfortunately, a stain upon the female sex. After consuming about 12 of these concoctions each, the male test subjects began to suspect that something was terribly wrong. They should be feeling at least buzzed by now, and they were
Other stuff
Inside
04: Dictators at College
What would life be like if Idi Amin was running Delaware?
pretty mad that they didn’t. Why did they feel so full of beer and yet so devoid of its beloved effects? It’s a college bro’s worst nightmare. One of them eventually approached my sister and she told them of the prank, only after ensuring they would not alert the girls. The evidence would suggest that not only are men perceptive of beer’s taste, they are honest about its effect on them. Boys will more willingly admit that they are not drunk, and don’t fake it just to fit in with the rest of the partyers. The same, sadly, cannot be said of the women. By about the 10th “beer,” the female subjects were dancing like fools, slurring their words, and appeared, to all who were unaware of the experiment, shitfaced. As the night drew to a close, we took them aside and explained to them that they had in fact drank more non-alcoholic beer than any known person to date, therefore their actions were totally an act. As you can imagine, they were pretty pissed off and embarrassed. (“I thought we were friendsssssss!!?!?!) But by the next morning, they told everyone about the joke and laughed about how stupid they must have been. They still probably won’t come to my next party. Results: Boys rule, girls drool? Not really, but kind of. Based on our experiment, it would seem that girls are much more concerned with blending in with the mood of the party (SHOCKER), even if that means completely faking intoxication. How many times have girls been seen dumping out cups when they don’t want to drink anymore and are too embarrassed to say so? Bringing a cup into the bathroom with you alone is a signature move. It could also be theorized that there is a sort of placebo effect at work, making the drinker believe they are getting drunk just because that is what they assume the drink is meant to do. It works with medicine, so why not with non-alcoholic beer? One of the girls even said that she could tell she wasn’t being affected normally by the drinks, but just assumed that her tolerance had gone up, or it was because she had eaten a lot that day. Whatever the case, the girls lost in this game of dignity. The moral of this experiment is simple: The next time you’re at a party and you have had beer after beer and feel nothing but absurdly full, you should probably confront your host. Otherwise, you will wind up embarrassed and cursing at your friends. And who wants that when they can’t blame it on being drunk?
05: What’s Worth It?
A look at what you should be spending your parents’ hardearned money on.
13: the black sheep interviews:
swedish rockers Peter, Bjorn and John!
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Letter from the Manager Hello Fellow Blue HensI hope your hurricane-induced hangovers are subsiding as we start another year of crazy Delaware fun. The Black Sheep is here to emphasize just that—the awesome time we have in college. Not the classes, the studying, the learning or (lack there of), but the parties, the relationships and the chaos we encounter every day. Written by students, for students, our newspaper’s goal is simple: to produce a paper that talks about real college life. Remember that Facebook group “Overheard at UD”? It was all the crazy shit people were talking about on campus…the embarrassing stories, unnecessary drama, relationship woes, and sexual mishaps. All the things that actually entertain and consume our lives. This is what The Black Sheep is all about—a newspaper that will not only make us laugh, but will bond the students through juicy content that is relevant to our world. Like our page on Facebook (The Black Sheep at Delaware) to stay in the loop about our upcoming issues and events, including a Launch Party that will take place this Fall. Share your favorite articles with us and we’ll continue to write about shit you actually want to read.
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Definition: A person who comes over for sex, but immediately passes out. Sentence: “When I brought Kyle home he immediately fell asleep on the couch, that shlacker.”
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Table of
contents
Page 05
Page 06
Worst Freshman Mistakes
Wars- It’s a new craze sweeping the nation (that we just made up).
Top 10:
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Page 07
Party Pics & Shoutouts
Embarrassing pics and funny messages...why not!
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Sex and the U: Cock Block
Page 09
DayGlow: The second best time you can have spraying hot, sticky liquid all over someone’s face.
Page 08: The World Famous Bar Grid! Get your drink on every day of the week, fo' real cheap.
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Bartender of the Month: We talk to good ole’ Fordy from Kate’s!
How to Pick Up Where You Left Off: So you want to get the spring fling back?
Crappy Fall Movie Guide: Black Sheep Syllabus: Everything coming out this The one class that can fall looks like a pile of poop. teach you everything!
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04
Dictators at College
Kevin Czarzasty wrote this
When dictators aren’t too busy oppressing their people, they, like some of us, have personal lives. Shocking, I know. Some tend to have fun, while others are genuine party foulers. Here is a list of dictators that would either agree or disagree with Asher Roth’s musical masterpiece “I Love College.” College Hater: Than Shwe General Than Shwe has ruled Burma since 1990, and fun has been extinct ever since. He has placed Aung San SuuKyi, leader of the democracy movement and winner of a Nobel Peace Prize, on house arrest since his ascent to power. For one, Aung San SuuKyi is a strikingly beautiful woman, and from what I hear, imprisoning pretty ladies is just not cool at college. What’s worse, Than Shwe enforces a strict nation-wide curfew at 11 PM. What are you, my mother? Does that mean last call is at 10:45? But this ignoramus doesn’t stop there. The heartless ruler went so far as to ban cameras. Cameras! How the hell am I going to remember my night if I can’t check the pictures on Facebook the next morning? General Than Shwe, you sir are a party pooper. College Lover: Idi Amin Dada If you’ve seen the film The Last King of Scotland starring Forrest Whittaker, you know this Ugandan was nuts. Like many of you fratstars out there, this dude prided himself of dancing, drinking, women, and of course, narcissism. Sure, he slaughtered 300,000 of his own people, but if you overlook that slight detail, you’ll see that he was a solid college bro. He’s preached about how girls mustn’t be shy, because as you may or may not know, taking a shy girl to bed can be miserable. He had 43 children, which shows that he had as much sex as any college kid, just not as many Trojans. He even had a signature dance move that was eerily similar to the Soldier Boy! I’m just saying… College Hater: Saparmurat Niyazov: Where do I start? Niyazov is the definition of a dick...tator. His rule of Turkmenistan has seen the abolition of recorded music, video games, and beards. I don’t know what I’d do if I couldn’t dance to Lil’ Wayne all of Friday night, wake up with a paralyzing hangover, play Call of Duty until I can walk again, and then skip shaving because Saturday night already arrived. Also, dogs are illegal in the capital city of Turkmenbashi because of their odor. Come on, if you can’t handle the odor of a puppy, you can’t handle the stench of a sweaty basement. Mr. Niyazov, you’re so not college. College Lover: Kim Jung Il: The international community often picks on Kim Jung II because he is short and senile. I, however, prefer to hail the lil’ fella and his playboy lifestyle. The man spends $700,000 a year on Hennessy Cognac! Ok, its no warm handle of Burnett’s, but still! He even has a wine cellar that holds 10,000 bottles. Again, it’s no Franzia, but nonetheless, you know he could throw a banger. If that doesn’t convince you, he rocks massive sunglasses and loves hip hop, and when its time to procrastinate, the guy has 20,000 movies. Kim Jung II, I don’t appreciate how you’re making your people starve, but if you are ever in Delaware, please contact me and we’ll throw a little shindig in your honor. I realize that all fifty year olds are awkward at college parties, particularly tyrannical rulers. But who knows, maybe they’d really be the life of the party at colleges in their own countries. So here’s some thought food: Instead of imagining these nut jobs at UD, what if we attended school with them at their colleges? What if Idi Amin showed me a good time in Uganda? Picture Kim Jung II getting me hammered at The University of North Korea—if there is such a thing. What if instead of bringing them to UD, we went to them? Stay tuned.
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TOP TEN
Worst Freshman Mistakes
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10. Holding onto your high school sweet heart There’s about a zero percent chance it will work out with that boyfriend who wants to try long distance from Arizona State. Let’s face it, the girls there are tan all year long while the biting cold here will have you whiter and heavier than the StayPuft monster. Too many hormones and bad decisions are made freshman year…drop the LDR while your dignity is still intact. 9. Pregaming too hard in a Rodney single You’re better off using a flask on your way to the party. Once a freshman has a few shots in them, they’ll practically knock on their RA’s room and ask for a citation. 8. Ordering late night food on the reg, but refusing to accept the freshman 15 It takes a couple months to realize that the 15 will happen to you (yes you, skinny bitch) and by the time you remember what a scale is, it will already have disappeared under your new, huge gut. But there’s no way you’re giving up precious drunk food, and thus begins the college-long struggle.
Worth It? Megan Walsh wrote this Average college night: You’re dutifully studying at the library until all hours of the night. You’ve got a bowl of ramen in hand because you ran out of points and Bleeker Street is just too expensive to use cash, as if you had any on you. Eight dollars for a sandwich? Come on. Get a job? Please. You don’t have time. What with the new internship and all the 400-level classes, who does? Ask your parents for money? Not an option. Your hardworking parents put all their money into your out-ofstate tuition. They already opted out of vacations for the next ten years, so there’s no way they have anything extra to give you, except their LOVE. So maybe this isn’t your average night, but these days we’re all strapped for cash and I don’t know about you, but stressing out about a low bank account is one thing I don’t need on my mind. Here I explain what’s worth spending your hard-earned (or borrowed) cash on. NOT WORTH IT: Textbooks: Way overrated. If you must get them, wait until the first day of class when your professor tell you that you won’t be tested on the book but that it is only “recommended.” Such a tease. Don’t even count on selling three quarters of them back. For the ones you do need, get them on Amazon. I’ve been on every WeSellCheapAsShitBooks.com out there, and none actually sell them cheaper than the used books on Amazon. You could risk sharing a textbook, but that never goes over well. Solo Cups at parties: Just don’t pay for them. “Three for a dollar or two for five” sounds like a great deal, but when the keg is most likely foam and you’ll probably move on soon anyway, it’s not. Plus, the girl sticking dollar bills down her bra is wasted and she’ll either end up losing the money or throwing it up in the air so she can feel like a rich stripper. If there’s a man asking for money, there are simple ways around him. Girls, you know what to do. Guys, schmooze your way in. Tell him you gave him a ride that one night he blacked out. Or bring lots of girls and encourage them to dress like sluts. Not attractive? No problem! Bring peace offerings. My personal favorites are homemade crafts. They give such a classy touch to an un-classy occasion. Whatever you do, do not, I repeat do NOT pick cups off the basement floor. Assume someone has peed in it. Furniture: If you’ve even completed one year of college you’d know that everyone gets rid of furniture in May. The trash bins are full and the sides of Elkton look like Ikea exploded. Just go dumpster diving or, better yet, blackmail last night’s hook up to go do it. Boom, done.
WORTH IT: New boots: This one is a no brainer. I may be slightly biased due to my boot-obsession, but they are a necessity. With a twenty minute walk to class and all those steps in Morris (fix the damn elevator already, it’s not the U.S. economy) your feet deserve comfort and style. Boys: Having trouble because you’re too “manly” for boots? That’s alright; there are styles out there for you too. Opt out of heels, black suede, and anything above the ankle. Halloween costume: Get it NOW. You know everyone’s going to be dressing as [insert recently famous but ridiculous D-list celeb here] and you need to be able to say you got it first. Rebecca Black anyone? OCMP: Do not tell me you enjoy a single bite of a dining hall meal unless its Cinco de Mayo night, complete with sombrero hats we apparently can’t have and real fruit we actually didn’t even notice. If you divide it all up, or for some nostalgic reason decide to pay in cash for a meal (hey, I had some good times at Rodney), it comes out to about ten bucks a meal. Just ask yourself if it’s worth it. Then explain the rubbery taste of a dining hall “burger” to your parents and ask them if it’s worth it. Then go ahead and get yourself an offcampus meal plan immediately. At around seven bucks a meal, this is worth it. If you’re still stuck in a dorm…sorry dude, you’re out of luck. Parking pass: I’d say about approximately 80% of students have gotten parking tickets and approximately 95.5% of parking spots on campus are OFF LIMITS for students. Ever try to get out of a parking ticket? Don’t. I tried to get out of a $100 parking ticket and was subsequently charged $10 extra for trying to appeal it. Delaware is the number one most frustrating school to park at, according to a random selection of my friends. It is now August. If you haven’t gotten a parking pass and need one, just get it. Beg your rich aunt, sell your sister’s jewelry, auction your boyfriend off for dates, whatever you have to do. Get one now. In fact, get three and sell the other ones. Am I encouraging scalping parking passes for profit? Maybe. These things are gold. Try to get down to your car at the field house from your room in Towers anytime past 7PM and you’ll understand. So, there you have it folks. You, too, can manage a reasonable college budget if you spend it in the right places. If you need a pick-me-up after your fifth peanut butter and jelly this week, just think: in the real world, there’s health insurance, car insurance, cell phone bills, rent, investing, 401Ks, etc. This is nothing.
7. Going home for spring break You’re in college, its spring break. You only have 4 opportunities to make a complete mess of yourself in a tropical land. Why not take advantage of the parents’ cash flow for as long as you can? Hanging out with Grandma Sue is nice and all, but I think you’d rather be on a booze cruise with your top off in the middle of paradise somewhere. Tough choice though. 6. Puking all over your community bathroom Upperclassmen: if you didn’t experience barfing your brains out as a freshman, you didn’t drink enough, and I’m judging you. But doing the deed in your community bathroom always elicits the evil eye. Not that there are many other options, so this one just kinda sucks. Take a lesson from me though, and clean up after yourself. I’m surprised the cleaning lady didn’t quit that day… 5. Scheduling a 9AM on Fridays You’ll tell your friends you absolutely can’t go out on Thursday nights, but they will blackmail you into going every time. And then you’ll throw up all over your history professor…even worse. 4. Bringing boys to a frat party Sorry freshman boys, but there are some things in life you have to work for, and being invited to parties at Delaware is apparently one of them. The random parties you walk into on Cleveland usually consist of people too drunk to care, but strict frat bros guarding the door is an automatic, "YEA RIGHT BITCH." The frat bros, A) want all the girls to themselves and B) wouldn’t get any pledges if they just let any old Joe into their parties. So ladies, spare your guy friends the embarrassment and leave them in your Rodney single to play with the R.A. 3. Believing in monogamy If high school was all about relationships, college is all about avoiding them. You know you’re a freshman girl when some guy gets your number and you picture what your babies will look like. It is important to get over this instinct fast, so you can learn to love the single life just as much as sleazy college boys do. There’s nothing worse than convincing yourself that your beer pong partner may be the love of your life, calling home about it, and then finding out on Facebook he’s hooking up with the entire freshman class. 2. Thinking you’re above using condoms Freshmen tend to think they are invincible, maybe because their brains aren’t fully developed and alcohol is slowing down the process. They come into college assuming everyone is as innocent as a lamb and next thing they know they’ve contracted you-know-what and they don’t even know who it’s from. In the words of Lil’ Wayne, “safe sex is great sex, better wear a latex' cause you don't want that late text, that ‘I think I'm late’ text”. Yeah. 1. Floorcest It’s bound to happen, and it’s bound to make your living situation awkward as hell. You’ll probably see another girl walk-ofshaming from his room 24 hours later, and then a week later find yourself creepily spying through your peep hole every time someone walks by. Friend’s with benefits is a whole article topic in itself, but I suggest keeping your floor mates as buddies and anyone (or everyone) outside your dorm as lovers.
Stephanie Wight wrote this
06
SEX
Cock Block WaRs
Brittany Barkes wrote this
and the u
When you spend too much free time in Newark for the summer you start to go insane. Hence, the best (or maybe worst) game, I have ever participated in—Cock Block Wars—was born. It’s the perfect game to kick off the fall semester and stir up some drama, even if you end up having no friends at the end. Before explaining the rules, I must warn you: The game is merely an excuse to prove you can be as slutty as possible and steal a friend’s potential hook-up. Additionally, you can make almost any game a war, but for some reason Cock Block Wars seems like it deserves more attention. Perhaps it’s only because it rhymes.
Here’s the deal: Get some friends together and prepare to piss off everyone you know. Hold a pre-war meeting with your friends (I suggest 4-8 people) and pick a designated time and place for game play. Choose a large party, preferably one with two or more kegs.
over (inspired by the words of the NE-YO/Pitbull collaboration) and say, “Give me everything tonight.” I can’t guarantee the success rate, but I’m pretty sure there’s a chance you will at least have Chad’s attention. If at the end of the night Chad invites you to “chill,” you have earned 2 points.
Once you’ve found your hunting ground, it’s time to rack up some points:
3 points: Steal Back—After one night of playing, the competitors will obviously want to have an opportunity for revenge. To earn the 3 points, players must pick another time and place. In a “steal back” a player will obtain the person who previously rejected them for another player. Example (yet again continued): Scorned Sara, upset over last week’s failure, goes out determined to make you fail. She puts on her highest heels and shortest, most cleavage-exposing dress. She walks into the party, and Chad immediately forgets about her contagious diseases. They disappear to the “smushroom” and Sara earns 3 points. In some cases you might call this “sloppy seconds,” but in this game it’s heavily encouraged and rewarded.
1 point: Cock blocking—Now, you must determine what exactly constitutes cock blocking. Nobody ever defines “hooking up” the same, so I won’t go there. But, basically, if one participant is clearly trying to flirt/make out/seduce another partygoer, and you prevent it from happening, then you are rewarded one point. Example: Your friend Sara starts batting her eyelashes and chugging beers with Chad, the cool-yet-sensitive lax bro type. You walk over and whisper to Chad that Sara just caught some sort of disease…herpes/rabies/scabies. It really doesn’t matter what you say as long as it sounds gross. Chad’s eyes fill with fear and he returns to the corner of the party to bro-out. You get one point and you no longer have a friend named Sara. 2 points: Interception—Since Cock Block Wars is obviously a sport, and will eventually become world-renowned, it’s important to use terms that athletes understand. Thus, an “interception” works exactly how it sounds. To intercept you must not only cock block, but you must then steal your opponent’s original “victim”. Example (continued): After Chad walks away,you quickly walk
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Now you can definitely make the point system much more indepth and interesting. Four points for making someone change their sexual orientation, ending your night in a ménage á trois, or punching someone in the face. At the end of the night, total the points. A war can last forever, so why not continue every single weekend for the rest of your life until someone dies? Please, be careful. As a result of this game you may lose your reputation, your friends, and your overall self-worth.
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SHOUT OUTS! Little Balls, you left your clothes at my friend’s house To all my A3 biddies- lets make this year go as SLOW as possible without any broken sinks:) Larry- sorry my friend told you you were her soulmate, lured you into our cab, and then made you pay our $30 fee...you win some you lose some. At least you’re “more mature” than we are. Dear Matt, despite popular belief, mouthing “let’s go upstairs and screw” is not the best tactic Neighbors, quit calling the cops on us, sorry we party Karen E. is the only person on campus who requires a leash Caitlyn S. Shout out to all the people that can see me naked through my window! All the boys playing football during recruitment… yeah, not obvious at all. Hey Jeremy, remember that one time you thought the “F” in “DTF” stood for Frisbee? Keep asking the girls! -Mike Anthony - If you tell anyone my natural color, I’ll kill you. - Hannah Rhett, stop going on Chatroulette...you’ve seen like 14 penises this week. - Omar Steve - the next time you slap a slice of pizza out of hands and onto the sidewalk, I’m going to make you eat it. -John To the boys outside watching the girls walk by during formal recruitment: they may be a 10 but you’re still a 5. SEND IN YOUR BEST SHOUT OUT TO SHOUT@theblacksheeponline.com or upload them at theblacksheeponline.com
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UDel Goes to Dayglow: A Survival Guide Nora Carnevale wrote this
If you're interested in a one-night peek of what life would be like if you never went to college, possibly lived in the 60's, and you've always wondered what a rave would be like, Dayglow is the kind of night you're looking for. On April 16th I rode a school bus with 50 other people to the Philadelphia Naval Yard. We pulled up in the pouring rain to what looked like an abandoned warehouse, with the windows flashing neon lights to the beat of the loudest bass I've ever heard. Once I walked in, I quickly realized this was going to be nothing like any other concert. The first person I saw was a girl about my age, wearing nothing but balloons. She had a skirt. And bra.Made out of balloons. At least I didn't have to worry about my black booty shorts and a hot pink bandeau outfit being too slutty anymore. I was not in Kansas (Delaware) anymore, but I liked it. Before I knew it, the warehouse was packed (the show had sold out) and I was on my boyfriend's shoulders awaiting the countdown to the Paint Blast. I had no idea what was coming. Would it hurt? Where was it coming from? Will it wash out of my hair? The countdown started at ten, “3, 2, 1, …..” neon paint and white confetti were everywhere, all I could see were colors. All of the work I had put into my hair, makeup, and outfit definitely did not matter anymore. This would normally infuriate me, but was suddenly awesome. The rest of the night was spent dancing my ass off, becoming best friends with everyone around me, and running into real friends since 90 percent of Delaware seemed to be there. The night ended wandering the streets of Philly with thousands of other paint-covered kids to find our rides. Walking into Wawa at 3AM was fun too, the employees were very curious to know where we came from. Although Dayglow sounds like a guaranteed awesome time, if you go without the
slightest idea of what to expect it could end in disaster. First and foremost you must enjoy electronic and dubstep music. Also, if you're not a fan of getting messy, bright colors, or chaos, I would sit this one out. Everyone infallibly ends up drenched in paint. It gets in your eyes, hair, and ears, so just be ready for that. Also, driving yourself is probably not the best idea for a number of reasons so it is economical and convenient to round up a bunch of friends and rent some sort of bus or transportation. If the aforementioned festivities sound so great that you're sure to attend, there are also a few things that one typically would not think of when planning to attend a concert. Remember that if you are bringing a phone inside with you, keep it in a plastic bag. When it comes to clothing, skip the jeans and knit top and follow the dress code. As little clothing as possible, in white or neon colors. And obviously something you don't mind getting covered in paint. Last but not least, when you pick up your tickets at the venue do not forget to bring the credit card you used to purchase them. That might be the biggest buzz kill of all time. So if you're looking for an unforgettable time, great dance music, and you're down to get a little weird, I would start searching for tickets for the September 15th show in Philly, ASAP.
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Bartenders of the
Week
ord Brian F ate's klondike k
Nickname: Ford or Fordy - Not a lot of people call me by my first name Relationship status: I like to take it on a day-to-day basis Favorite drink to make: Whatever brings you back to Kate’s for more.... Unique talent: Making people feel uncomfortable in a fun manner Guilty pleasure: Llamar (you will have to ask Jasiri Davidson at Kildare’s about that one!)
drinking game:
Grand Larceny Lie, cheat, steal. These words are big no-no’s in the religious text of your choice, but people do them everyday. That pains us far too much, so we’ll drink to forget that sad fact. Number of Players: Three to six. What You Need: A deck of cards and a case of beer. Intoxication Level: You’ll rob a liquor store, and then buy beer from them. How to Play: -Have all players sit in a circle, shuffle the deck of cards. -In Grand Larceny, numbered cards are worth their value in drinks, face cards are multipliers (both a king and a queen would double the drinking) and spades are a pass. Aces count as one. -One player draws a card. If it is a number card, that player drinks the number of drinks on that card. -If a player draws a face card they drink nothing, though the next player’s drinks (assuming they draw a number card) are doubled. -If two face cards are drawn in a row, the person who pulls a number card would have their drinks tripled. Three face cards in a row? Quadruple the drinking. -Any spade drawn is a pass card. For example, if there is a face card to a player’s right and they draw a spade, it passes the multiplier on to the next player. The Game Ends When: The drunken mess next to you steals your heart.
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Huge turn off: People that ask for strong or free drinks ... Favorite pizza on Main Street: Margarita’s Famous person I would like to hang out with: Bob Baker (the man is a legend ) Shout out: Stacey at Grotto’s - Hands down the best bartender on Main St. and to the U of D Hockey team Opinion of sorority girls: Love them all!
recipe for disaster:
Chocolate Lover’s Soup
Like any –holic, those with addictions simply cannot be stopped. A cheese addict? Get them a bowl of queso before they start fitting uncontrollably. A sex addict? Don’t let them near anything holey and moist. A chocolate addict? Well, I think we’ve just found their stash. What You’ll Need: 1 cup of fudge brownie mix, 1/4 cup milk, 1/2 cup of chocolate chips, 1/4 cup of peanut butter chips, graham crackers and whipped cream. Cook Time: 2-3 minutes. Fatty Factor: Hey, there’s some calcium! Healthy bones, y’all.
Let’s Get Baked: - Mix together the fudge brownie mix with the milk until you get a pudding like consistency. - Stir in the chocolate and peanut butter chips gradually. - Stir in generous amounts of whipped cream to lighten it up. - Garnish with crushed graham crackers on top. Thank god you got your fix! If they say they aren’t addicted and can stop at any time, show them to prove it to you. Chances are, they will run away with the bowl… of chocolate.
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How to Pick Up Where You Left Off Kevin Czarzasty wrote this The Indifferent Approach: Be overly cool about the situation; make them wonder what your strategy is. This trickery can take many shapes. You could ignore them entirely, you can flirt vivaciously with another, or you could make plans to hang out with his or her friends. When you run into each other, pull the old, “Oh, I had no idea you were here.” …Even though the whole ploy was aimed at them from the start. Muhahaha.
School’s starting, and that means the time has come to reignite a relationship. It could be the fox you had during finals week, or maybe an ex- that decided he or she wanted a summer break. Most of you will try to weasel your way back with tedious text messages or incoherent conversations—both of which will occur after 3 AM. However, there are alternative methods to sneaking your way back into that special someone’s life, and here are some of our favorites: A Date: Yeah, that’s right, I said it. A date. Believe it or not, there was a brief time in history when 20-year-olds would court each other by spending money at restaurants. Weird, right? Our ancestors were so silly. Well, if you dare to be first, you could utilize this age-old technique.
Shock and Awe: Shock and Awe is a military strategy rooted in the use of overwhelming power. Am I suggesting you militaristically dominate your crush? Not quite, that would be illegal. I am, however, suggesting that youtake an aggressive approach early on, and then swiftly resort to The Indifferent Approach, leaving your crush craving you like cake. Cake: Since the idiom assumes everyone loves cake, bake that someone a cake. Is that creepy? Slightly. Is it effective? Well, that depends on how creepy your crush is. If cake baking is too intense, resort to cute cupcakes from Sweet and Sassy. This literally sweet gesture will make your maneuvering appear less bizarre.
utterly outrageous stunt. Join a cult, get an uncharacteristic tattoo, write a best-seller. This will ensure that your target will come to you out of curiosity, and from there you pounce. The Knuckleball: In baseball, most pitches follow a straight-forward, predictable path. The ol’ knuckleball, however, dances from side to side in an unpredictable manner. No, I’m not recommending you dance awkwardly at a party to attract your potential mate. I’m proposing you change your approach daily. Cake on Monday, Shock and Awe on Tuesday, Indifference on Wednesday, Date on Thursday. By Friday night he or she will perceive you as so unpredictable that you can knock this one out of the park. Beg: This is absolutely a last resort because it is rarely well received…not that I’d know. Kidnap: This is actually the last resort. Sorry mom.
The Atom Bomb: Similar to Shock and Awe, this plot is inspired by military. However, while Shock and Awe only entails aggressive courting, The Atom Bomb calls for extreme—even socially unacceptable— measures. The idea is you pull an
As you can tell, I’ve thought about this situation very much because when school starts, I’ll be trying to “pick up where I left off.” Please know that if you don’t see anymore articles from me, it’s because I didn’t get her back, grew depressed, and moved to Costa Rica. Or did get her back, kidnapped her, and moved to Costa Rica. Wish me luck, and good luck to you.
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the movie page Fall 2011 Crappy Movie Guide
We were going to do an actual fall movie guide, but when we looked at the release schedule we couldn’t help but think, “Holy shit, all of these movies look terrible.” Hey, gotta do what the market dictates, right? By: Brendan
Title: Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star Release Date: September 9th Starring: Nick Swardson, Christina Ricci, Don Johnson Why It’s Gonna Suck: Look, Nick Swardson seems like a nice enough guy. His stand-up is pretty funny, and he was genuinely hilarious in Grandma’s Boy, but the rest of his filmography includes such classics as 30 Minutes or Less, You Don’t Mess with the Zohan, I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry and his (7 episode long) TV series Nick Swardson’s Pretend Time. What is this dude doing starring in a movie, again? Scene Guaranteed to Happen: The camera cuts quickly to everyone in the room just after Swardson makes some sort of thinly-veiled allusion to Bucky’s homosexuality. Disgusting Thing I’d Rather Do Than See This Movie: Lick pus from an oozing foot blister. Title: Abduction Release Date: September 23rd Starring: Taylor Lautner, Lily Collins (daughter of Phil Collins!) Why It’s Gonna Suck: The tagline for the movie is “The fight for the truth will be the fight of his life.” He’s not Martin Luther King Jr. people, he’s a shitty, emotionally void actor who finally gets to fire a gun instead of shape shifting into a werewolf. Scene Guaranteed to Happen: A low-angle camera circles a shirtless Taylor Lautner as he stares menacingly into the distance, gun in hand. Disgusting Thing I’d Rather Do Than See This Movie: Inject baby shit into my own ass with a turkey baster.
Title: Dolphin Tale Release Date: September 23rd Starring: Morgan Freeman, Ashley Judd, Harry Connick Jr., a dolphin Why It’s Gonna Suck: A heartwarming tale about a dolphin losing its tail? Puns in the title? Harry Connick Jr.? Dolphin Tale has “schlockfest” written all over it. Expect life lessons about friendship, social responsibility and questionable movie roles (why, Morgan Freeman?) all up in your grill, because every time a dolphin gets caught in a tuna net, it’s your fault, you filthy consumer piece of shit. Scene Guaranteed to Happen: An emotional moment is had by all when the dolphin, new tail in hand, breaches the water in a display of friendship with the young protagonist. Disgusting Thing I’d Rather Do Than See This Movie: Your mom. Boosh. Title: Real Steel Release Date: October 7th Starring: Hugh Jackman, Evangeline Lilly, robot boxers Why It’s Gonna Suck: Because for some reason this movie will have a plot. A stupid, contrived plot. Down-on-his-luck Jackman meets a kid that inspires him to get back into the ole’ robot fightin’ game? No. Robots punching each other? Yes. It doesn’t matter how much robot fighting is in this movie, unless there’s 8 hours of clobberin’, there needs to be more metal-on-metal action. Scene Guaranteed to Happen: An absolutely ridiculous montage featuring Hugh Jackman teaching a robot how to box. Disgusting Thing I’d Rather Do Than See This Movie: Eat a random item out of a hospital dumpster. Title: The Three Musketeers Release Date: October 21st Starring: Orlando Bloom, Christoph Waltz, Milla Jovovich Why It’s Gonna Suck: The first two sentences of the film’s Wikipedia entry note The Three Musketeers is a “steampunkinfluenced reinterpretation…shot in 3D.” My god, you can practically see the studio execs massaging their boners as they think about the buzzwords attached to the flick. “Hey, Harvey, do you think the synergy between a steampunk movie shot in 3D and the vertical collaterals of a burgeoning franchise will get us each another bathtub full of money?” “I dunno, Lewis, would you like to suck my dick while I think about it?” Scene Guaranteed to Happen: Some weird steam-powered flying contraption zips out into the audience. Disgusting Thing I’d Rather Do Than See This Movie: Go down a Slip N’ Slide full of an obese family’s taint sweat.
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the MUSIC page
The Black Sheep Interviews: John (but not Peter or Bjorn) Like that IKEA where you bought your scummy dorm futon, Swedish indie rockers Peter Bjorn and John are pretty damn big, and they’re all over America. The trio is kicking off their All You Can Eat tour in Chicago, with dates across the nation until they wrap up in San Francisco on October 8th. Drummer John Eriksson was kind enough to let us interview him. What a handsome gentleman. The Black Sheep: How did having a hit like "Young Folks" change your approach to writing songs for Gimme Some? John: I think we’re 50% "screw it" and 50% "let’s not screw it up." Having a hit in the genre of "indie-pop" --or whatever we are-- could be a bit like if the most popular dish at a steakhouse was fish, in other words, "confusing." For us "the hit" works like a carrot on a stick, "Young Folks" has a life of its own and that is what you want to happen to all of the songs you write. We wanna make evergreens, classic fucking pop songs that will last forever, and we try to do that all the time. Sometimes we fail, of course, but on Gimme Some we think that there are some pretty decent ones, for sure.
CD REVIEW
Out Now
Lil Wayne
Tha Carter IV
The third time’s the charm, not the fourth. If you’ve never heard the saying “never be the last one to leave a party,” then you’ve probably been the last one at a party before, and know how awkward/terrible it is. All the cool kids arrive fashionably late then bounce before there’s even a hint of the party winding down, and there you are, too drunk on the front steps with rap music blaring to no one. It’s an important statement to live by, friends. Though Wayne took a hiatus from the rap/ rock-party scene after Rebirth to spend 8 months in the slammer, he had good intentions for how to pop back from that. He started recording his 9th studio album The Carter IV shortly after the amazingly successful The Carter III came out in 2008, which sold millions of records and won him a Grammy. After the success, he put the recording on hold so that he wouldn’t release something “potentially inferior” (yet, see Rebirth and I Am Not a Human Being). Sounds pretty pessimistic, Wayne. The first single from The Carter IV, “6 Foot, 7 Foot,” has a catchy beat via the Jamaican folk song “Day-O” (perhaps most familiar during that one scene in Beetlejuice when the gang starts dancing and singing around the kitchen table) which is a creative cop-out to a catchy hook. But that’s fine, because more of the original beats on the album definitely don’t deliver. Drake is back and boring as ever, lending uninspired vocals to the second single “She Will” where he raps about if he’s going to get some pussy from this girl, and that maybe he will but
C-
then again, maybe he won’t; how deep. “How to Hate” features perfectly awful T-Pain, autotuning his way into oblivion. People really still use Autotune seriously? It’s a shame, because the lack of talent from Drake, T-Pain and a few others that collab on this album take away from what Wayne could have done… or perhaps it was to gloss over what he was unable to do. “President Carter” is a clever song that samples Jimmy Carter’s inauguration from waaay back when in 1976, so now you know instead of continuously thinking that it sounded “familiar.” But besides from that, this is one of the better slower songs on the album. One of the other slower songs “How to Love” is an emotional, wellproduced tune that I can give props to, but Lil Wayne at his best is not crying about how he doesn’t know how to love. He better when he’s screeching and being loud and fun, which is what he needs to go back to; more creativity and originality, less boring beats that all start to sound the same. I don’t think Lil Wayne should have ended his career just because he spent some time behind bars, but he just needs to know when to leave the party. But at this rate he better stick around until the next one, because I think he left his talent between the couch cushions at the last one. Sounds Like: Lil Wayne is getting tired. Download: 6 Foot 7 Foot, President Carter, Outro Listen to it When: You’ve been a fan of Wayne’s since his Cash Money days, and you just have to.
>>> UPCOMING RELEASES David Guetta - Where Them Girls At Cobra Starship - Night Shades George Straight - Here For A Good Time Mike Doughty - Yes And Also Yes
Princess Chelsea - Lil Golden Book Red Hot Chili Peppers - I'm With You The Red Suit Apparatus - AM I The Enemy The Rapture - The Grace Of Your Love
TBS: What's the creative process for you guys? Like, talk me through how you get an idea for a song to how you get a finished product. John: Things start when I’m on tour, walking the streets of some city like Chicago and a melody starts playing in my brain. I’ll pick up my smartphone and record the melody. Then, when I get back to Sweden I’ll go back to the smartphone for the melodies and the lyrics or notes I made for it. I use that to build a song. Three months later I’ll make a demo and sent it off to Peter and Bjorn, we’ll meet in some deserted cellar and rehearse it for 30 or 40 minutes. Eventually we’ll book a studio with some decent mics, walk into a studio and spend 8 or so hours recording a song. Of course the song gets changed like, 6 times. After a few beers and some more mixing we’ll like how it sounds, and we’ll head to mixing (the most mysterious part of the creation). We’ll fight over the mix for a while, and a few weeks later it’ll be finished, we’ll master it and it’ll be ready for a person’s ears. TBS: Can you talk about the differences, if any, in touring different countries or continents? Can you make--or speak in-- generalities about venues and shows in different parts of the world, or is that just a myopic point of view from an ill-traveled interviewer? John: People are more or less quite similar all over the world, believe it or not. The biggest difference — and the stuff that will affect the show — is the way the stage works and what kind of food you eat before playing. (And we have eaten much better stuff in Texas than in France). During our upcoming US tour we want to explore those differences even more. In Chicago, for instance, we play at like four different venues during one week. We had this idea that people could get a super ticket and go to all of the shows, we want it to be like a big PB&J buffet, hopefully no one will throw up afterwards. TBS: You've shown a lot of support for hip-hop, and hip-hop artists have shown a lot of love to you. Why do you think your music lends itself so well to that genre? John: I think it’s because the drums and the beats in our music are so awesome. (Editor’s note: Because John is the drummer, you see.) TBS: When you're not busy doing music things, what are you doing? John: At the moment mostly kissing and eating. Not at the same time though.
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Madlib: Welcome back to campus! 1) fast food place 2) best friend 3) type of dog 4) body part 5) one of the senses 6) vegetable 7) minority group 8) type of car 9) action 10) number 11) sexual move 12) current crush 13) dance move 14) campus building 15) type of beer/booze 16) old roommate 17) campur bar 18) body part 19) last hookup 20) non-sexual body part 21) name of campus bus 22) friend 23) type of clothing 24) greek house 25) eating/drinking item 26) condiment 27) type of student
( class time )
Wow, am I glad school is back in session! This summer I worked at ____1____ with ____2____ and it sucked ____3____ ____4____. Every day I had to ____5____ the ____6____, and then take the ____7____ still there from the night before and throw them in the ____8____ outside. Embarrassing. Anyways, enough about my ____9____ summer, time to focus on the future. I’m thinking I’ll go on a ____10____ day bender, during which I can finally ____11____ ____12____ and then ____13____ in the ____14____. We all know he/she deserves it. The one thing I won’t do is drink ____15____ with ____16____ again, last time that happened I ended up at ____17____ showing everyone my ____18____ and well, nobody was impressed. I really hope I run into ____19____ soon though. We left last semester all weird after we rubbed ____20____ on the ____21____ and ____22____ walked in on us. They asked why we weren’t wearing any ____23____ and we told them we had just seen some ____24____ and they took them. Somehow that worked, but come on now. So, raise your ____25____ to another great year starting up. Let’s hope we all manage to rub some ____26____ on some ____27____ this week!
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