Volume 1, Issue 2 | 9/22/11 - 10/13/11 | theblacksheeponline.com
F so ree. lve ..li th ke f e p re uz e s zle wa in t g if he you bac k!
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“A College Newspaper That’s Actually About College”
How Stereotypical of You Megan Walsh wrote this Dear Freshmen, If you’ve doubted yourself even once over the past few trying weeks of college, I would just like to say one thing to boost your spirits: You are adorable. The way you wander around in large groups as if you know where you’re going…its cute. If another freshman comes up to me at a party and asks where she can fill her cup up, I might burst out in giggles. But let’s face it; all you want is to fit in. Being the kind, respectable senior that I am, I decided to provide you a complete guide of how you are expected to act, broken down by major. Thank me later. English Clothing: Guys wear jeans that are way more expensive than they look, v-necks from Urban Outfitters, and Keds of an interesting color. Bonus points if they wear Ray-Banesque glasses without the lenses. Girls wear jean shorts with tights underneath (even on warm days), clunky lace-up boots, and a men’s flannel they found at Goodwill. Favorite activity: Reading a novel on the Green with absolutely no intention of tanning. Current job: Coffee shop “barista.” They occasionally write puns on the wall and make fun of the customers who order decaf. Future career: Dead-end publishing job and part-time (unpaid) writer. Pick-up line: “Haaave you met [insert their own name here]?” Most likely to be seen: At a poetry reading in Homegrown. Favorite drink: Straight whiskey. It’s ironic because… Expect: Lots of snide comments from adults about what you want to do with your life.
Favorite activity: Driving. It gives them a chance to point out interesting water runoff systems. Current job: Job? Who has time for a job? Future career: Working for the Pennsylvania Transportation Department as a project manager. Pick-up line: “Let's convert our potential energy to kinetic energy.” Most likely to be seen: Running from class to the lab. Favorite drink: Water. It’s actually much more exciting than you think! Expect: Late nights studying before exams that will literally determine whether you succeed in life. Also expect your friends to come to you with any sort of academic question imaginable, even if it has nothing to do with engineering. Business Clothing: Ever seen Jersey Shore? Favorite activity: Talking about how rich they will definitely be. Current job: Any get-rich-quick scheme involving the sale of overpriced products to students and bombarding them with Facebook messages about it. Future career: Managing a Best Buy. Pick-up line: Something cocky along the effect of “Your place or mine?” Most likely to be seen: At Grotto’s with their eyes glued to a TV or boobs. Favorite drink: Beer. Just…beer. Expect: Lots of men in class. If you are a desperate girl, congrats! If you are a desperate man, switch majors.
Engineering Clothing: Practical. Who knows when they might be called out for a bridge inspection? Usually sneakers, worn jeans, and a t-shirt (absolutely no v-neck).
Other stuff
Inside
04: Guys Talk Cosmo
How does a dude react when salacious advice and scented pages are put in front of him?
06: Sexy Vs. Skanky?
...Contined on Page 11
What’s appropriate and what’s not for the ladies of Newark.
12: New Show Schizo here's a breakdown of everything you "should" watch this fall.
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03
Table of
contents
Page 04
Page 05
What’s your favorite drunken activity?
Oh, the places you’ll go at UD, but mostly it’ll be one of these two places.
From the Streets
6
Page 05
Page 09
Drink...as if you needed one.
Do Delaware dudes and dames know their drink?
Top 10: Best Excuses to
9
Bars Vs. Parties
Fooling Collegian Taste Buds:
Page 08: The World Famous Bar Grid! Get your drink on every day of the week, fo' real cheap.
10
Page 10
Bartender of the Issue: Blonde Patty is blonde. Her name is Patty.
Page 13
We Interview: Kids These Days See why we want to be 18 again...
Page 15: Seek-N-Find
Find all the hidden items and win a prize!
g in h t e m o S s y a lw A ’s e r e h T Happening at Kate’s! RT Y 10PM - CLOSE PA CE N DA ! YS DA ES TU O N - close TECH Domestic Light Pitchers 4pm elets | $5 Free Glow Necklaces & Brac close ots on the Ice Luge! | 9pm Sh all eb Fir & s ink Dr in pta $3 Ca
10PM - CLOSE S D N BA E V LI E! V LI T H IG THURSDAY N 4pm - close $5 Domestic Light Pitchers ng Islands | 9pm - close Lo $3 & ts af Dr ht Lig c sti $1 Dome
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04
From 'da Streets "What is your favorite activity to do after a few drinks?"
“Porch sit and yell at passer-bys.”
Elise B.
Guys Talk Cosmo
Brittany Barkes wrote this
Cosmopolitan has become the women’s Bible to all things sex, fashion, and sex. Ladies, don’t lie; you know each month when another beautiful, fashionable, Jessica Alba-type graces the cover you feel the need to drop $3.99. You even convince yourself that you want to read the serious articles about protecting your mind, body, and the environment. But, come on, you really want to read the juicy sex columns, filled with words like “shameless,” “lustworthy,” and “seductive.” The truth is I have spent a few nights with a bottle of Arbor Mist, my closest girlfriends, and the latest Cosmo issue. For men who don’t know, slumber parties always begin with watching the latest rom-com, or Titanic, if all else fails, while obviously lusting over young, beautiful Leonardo. Next comes the candlelit gossip session, which is usually interrupted by a Dashboard Confessional or Vanessa Carlton sing-a-long (depending on the mood and season). A few bottles of wine later comes the routine pillow fight, followed by games that involve posing questions such as, “Who do you think is the bigger whore?” and “Who would be the better baby daddy?” But the night is never complete until all the ladies sit Indian-style in a circle and pass around a bowl (of popcorn) and the latest Cosmo while giggling at the “informative” articles and dishing out horoscopes that determine when each girl will meet her “perfect match.” I never really understand if I’m supposed to take some of the advice seriously. Am I really supposed to think it’s normal to walk in on a guy sniffing my underwear? Should I really mix together all my perfumes, fake a bigger bra size with a really expensive Victoria’s Secret Bombshell bra, and use 7 different moisturizing creams to make my face beautiful? Because I’m so baffled, I decided I needed to set out and find out what men think about the magazine. I mean if girls are supposed to read all these tips to get men and keep them around, then guys should agree with the plethora of knowledge that Cosmo provides.
Andrew: I like all the hot girls and the perfume samples.
The Panel (names may have been changed) Joe: A cute, innocent freshman who may not even know what sex is, accompanied by his posse. Andrew: Likes blasting techno and throwing around the pigskin. Alex: The Romantic future doctor (husband material). Wesley: Committed to baseball and his long-term girlfriend.
Let’s get down to science. The issue discusses a recent study that reveals women are most attracted to “bad boys,” aka men with slumped posture, a downward glance, and loose hips. Are you surprised by any of the featured “famous bad babes”? Joe: Robin Hood? Are you joking me? He’s a cartoon. And Han Solo isn’t even a real person. Alex: McDreamy? What the fuck? He’s a saint: he saves lives. Andrew: Shia LaBeouf is fucking Louis Stevens. He’s a child, not a badass.
Questions Overall, what are your opinions on Cosmo? Alex: It parades around as a classy magazine but the word “clitoris” is probably in here like 20 times per page. Literally every issue is the same but reworded, with articles like, “Enhance Your Sex Life,” “Get a Guy and Keep Him,” and “How he knows you’re The One”. Joe: If girls take this seriously, that’s just weird. Wesley: For guys, it’s a really great way to learn stuff about girls. Girls should definitely read it.
After going through the issue what annoys you most? Alex: There are literally NO page numbers, and it annoys the shit out of me. And don’t get me started on the ads. Andrew: The advice sucks. Women must have written it. Wesley: What does LTR mean? September’s issue features “Pauly D’s Guide to Dating.” Do you think the Jersey Shore “star” is qualified to give women dating tips? Joe: Pauly D is the man! Wesley: I’m stunned. It sounds like something a normal human being would say, not some fucking Guido.
"Running naked, pissing people off, dancing like a jack ass and finding more alcohol." Bryan R.
OK. So let’s be real. The juiciest stuff is in the “Guys Answer Your Sex Questions” section. Do guys actually think like this? Alex: Well there is the question, “Do guys like it if we squeeze our PC muscles?” 9 out of 10 guys don’t know what a PC muscle is. It’s the muscle that makes you stop peeing; how sexy is that? Andrew: I like the guy who says he wouldn’t mind getting a handjob at the DMV. I mean it would help pass the time, as ridiculous as it is. Alex: No guy is going to turn down a handy in a public place. Well the article also says women should sext a guy saying “I need u now.” Would that catch your attention? Joe: I’d think someone died in the family. It would have to say I need your butt now. Oh, god, and with a period at the end; I would think there’s been a murder. Andrew: Where’s the winky face? Alex: Nothing turns me on more. Wesley: At first I would be worried. The winky face is key.
So, there you have it. Cosmo, the lovechild of hormonal women (think Alanis Morisette “You Oughta Know”) and real men who are self-proclaimed “sexperts” (think Tucker Max), will always be the best source of classy pornography (men) and insightful advice (women) for all ages over 13.
"I really like drunk cleaning actually, cooking, being domestic. Besides dancing obviously. I also like trespassing and climbing things." Megan K.
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TOP TEN
Best Excuses to DRINK
05
10. Sun’s out, guns out: Day drinking at Udel may seem like an everyday occurrence so far this year, but you’ll almost forget it ever existed once winter rolls around. Then all of a sudden spring will peek through the clouds: a bird will chirp, one leaf will form on a tree, and the DAGE (day rage, duh) will reignite in the yards and Grotto's of Newark. Apparently if it’s shitty out, we do school work. If it’s anywhere near nice out, we tend to forget we even take classes here.
Bars vs. Parties Stephanie Wight wrote this Bars and parties are what define yet separate the college experience. While some schools just have one scene or the other, Delaware boasts plenty of each. While waiting to turn 21 is a big bitch in this strict, no-tolerance-forfake-IDs state, the day you turn 21 will change your Udel experience drastically. It seems as though most 21-yearolds have no intention of ever stepping foot in another college party. However, if we take a little walk down memory lane, our freshman selves could probably never imagine the day that keg stands and crowded basements would ever get old. Let’s take a look at the essentials of Delaware’s drinking scene- the drinks, the crowd, the music and the convenience. Drinks: The good thing about only being allowed into bars at age 21 is that you can save up for the massive amounts of ca$h you’ll be spending (if you’re smart... unfortunately I am not, thank God for our Bar Grid). If Udel was more like University of Maryland, and freshman could get into bars with shitty fake IDs, our parents would be in major debt. While being at the bar encourages you to buy strangers a round of tequila shots, parties force you to pregame extremely hard since you never know if the keg will be kicked. At either venue, you’re likely to get wasted, and the drunker you are, the more fun you will probably think you’re having. It’s a sad truth, but who wants to be the sober sally among sloppy, incoherent hooligans? Not I…so drink up. Crowd: The bar scene is very predictable- since each night is assigned to a designated bar. It also pressures you to go out even if you’re not feeling it, cause “OMG its Karaoke night at Kildaire’s and everyone’s gonna be there.” Parties, on the other hand, are much more up in the air. One night a frat party could be tons of dancing, fairly equal ratios, awesome jungle juice and tons of people you know. The next weekend it could be filled with annoying biddies, a dance floor that reminds you of a middle school “sock hop” and only a 6 pack of Smirnoff Ice left in the fridge. Parties are also very elusive- you have to text everyone in your phone book to find the best options and some of your sources may be sketchy. You think you’re headed to a rager on Cleveland and really it was just some guy luring you to his video game sesh. However, two things that I love at parties that you won’t get at the bars: themes and games. There’s nothing like a good “Tennis Hoes and Golf Pros” or “Anything But Clothes”
party. And Kings will never get old in my book (mainly because of Jack being ‘Never Have I Ever’). Music: I may not be the best judge of this, seeing as I’m fully content listening to the Top 40 all day every day. If a DJ is playing shit I know, you’ll see me on the dance floor. Bars mix up the music scene with bands on certain nights. Bands are awesome, but if you’re in the mood to get your grind on, you’ll have to go elsewhere or look like a fool. Karaoke at Kildaire’s can be rough on the ears; it’s fun if you’re up on stage, occasionally painful to listen to if you’re not. The drunk girl rendition of “Build Me Up, Buttercup Baby” gets old quick. DJs at parties have a lot more variety than the bars; they’ll play throw backs like “It Wasn’t Me," the hottest new house music, really shitty techno, and your Chris Brown party faves. That is, if their sound system is working, which is often an issue. At parties, I usually find myself drunk, ordering around the host about his ability to get people dancing. That is a must have talent, and bars definitely have it. Convenience: You know you’re a freshman if your legs are sore from walking. The great thing about the bars is…I live on Main Street. And so does every other senior who knows what they’re doing. The funny thing is, we still complain about walking to Deer Park — hellooo people do you remember walking from the Towers to Ivy?!? The drawback to the bars being super popular though, is the insane lines to get in. Timothy’s is really out of control, because you have to camp out there at what feels like the crack of dawn just to get a wrist band. You won’t find lines getting into a party, but if you’re a boy, good luck. Frat bros love turning away potential competition for ass. I guess though, if a 3-to-1 ratio of guys to girls was available to me, I’d be down. I think the moral to the story here is that parties are great, then they get old, then bars save the day if you turn 21 at an appropriate time. The people whose parents put them in Kindergarten too early in life, really didn’t know what they were doing (::cough::my parents ::cough::). It is absolutely shitty to watch your friends turn 21 a year ahead of you and brag about their awesome nights, while you sit and stare at pictures on Facebook. But now that I’ve joined the gang, I feel like I have finally reached my full college potential, and I’d do it over again, shitty parties and all.
9. The week before and after St. Patrick’s Day: While you don’t need an excuse to drink on St. Patty’s (it’s required), Del students like to draw it out a bit by dedicating a full week to the heritage of…that red head girl in their English class. Unless you want to be caught in your clothes-from-last-night, you should probably buy about 4 different green, “Irish I Was Drunk” tees to ensure the best celebration. 8. Cheap drink specials: Not going to Kate's on a Thursday night is almost a crime when they sell $5 pitchers…with such good deals on Main Street, you have to take advantage of every single one, every single day. And don’t even get me started on half priced appetizers. If you think you gained 15 pounds freshman year, wait till you’re 21 and living off campus… 7. Jersey Shore: This is a little “last year” but it’s still a good excuse to drink. It’s almost hard not to drink when you’re watching these crazy idiots week after week…and the games people play while watching are priceless: Drink every time someone gets punched, has sex or cries. That’s blackout status right there. 6. When UD is playing a sport that we aren’t watching: Tailgating is obvious, but it would make a little more sense if people actually went to the game. Not only that, but half the time people don’t make it to the tailgate. For Homecoming, how many of you actually went to the stadium? Most just say “fuck it” and drink at frats. I’ll blame this one on UD’s not-sostrategic placement of our stadium two miles away from campus…can you imagine if it was located by the Little Bob? That could get dangerous. 5. When there is a publicized day drink going on, even though we’re not there: Again, whether it’s Skid Fest, Chapel Fest, or a Sig Ep Pig Roast, a lot of people tend to drink in honor of day drinking events, even though they’re not in attendance. I guess all the hype makes it a more accepting time to drink. 4. Exam Week: There must be something exhilarating about being drunk for a test, cause the amount of times I’ve heard people say they were shit-faced during their exams is unreal. It’s even better when you get to witness the kid pre-bad decision: “Well I have a test at 3, but fuck it (shotguns a beer)!” My roommate who often had night classes would bring a mixed drink to class, to pregame the bars. Alcoholic or savvy college student? 3. Osama and Obama: When Osama was killed, Udel went nuts. A little inappropriate I’d say, but I guess big news calls for a celebration? You would think just the normal everyonemakes-a-Facebook-status-about-it would suffice but I guess college students can always use an excuse to drink. Back during my freshman year I remember hearing the celebratory cheers (from my horrendous bunk bed in an economy single room) when Obama won the election. Apparently when we actually know about something going on outside our tiny college bubble, it’s a big deal, and an excuse to party. 2. Freshman Move-In: Nothing like a good “Thanks for your daughters!” sign and a game of beer pong going on across from the freshman dorms. Dads are scared shitless, you get to scope out the new meat and Freshman get a glimpse of their awesome future. 1. Extreme Weather Conditions: I thought I was going hard for the hurricane with my ‘Kegs and Candles’ and ‘No Power Hour’ until I stepped outside and witnessed the hockey team RAGING harder than ever in the pouring rain. They had a keg in the middle of the street, music blasting,wearing nothing but speedos and rain boots and were lifting cars off the street for fun. Meanwhile the message on my TV screen read “Take shelter immediately”. NBD.
Stephanie Wight wrote this
06
SEX and the u
Sexy Vs. Skanky at Udel Nora Carnevale wrote this
tensions. While long beautiful hair is incredibly sexy, there is nothing less sexy than being that girl, trust me. SEXY: Sex at your place, after dinner at Kate's- I mean he paid, you have to put out right? Just kidding, kind of. If it's what you're into on the first date or the fifth, forward a text to all of your roommates and let them know it's going down.
As well as looking forward to a new year of classes and craziness, I have been reflecting upon some, shall we say, “questionable” behaviors that I have witnessed at school in the past. As a result, I have compiled a list of “do's” and “do not's” in hopes to aid those poor souls who frequently fall victim to skankiness. So, with the 2011-2012 academic year in full swing at Delaware, cheers to the sexy and out with the skanky. You'll thank me later ladies. SEXY: Long, flowing hair- There's a reason why none of the girls in Victoria's Secret ads are rocking bobs. Not that there's anything wrong with short hair, plenty of girls can pull it off and look adorable. But that's the thing, adorable. “Sexy” is long, flowing, and supermodel-esque. However, not every girl is blessed with the ability to grow such luscious locks, which brings me to… SKANKY: Bad hair extensions- Worse off, wearing the bad extensions to a party, and LOSING THEM THERE. I have witnessed a sloppy, sloppy girl stumble around the party begging us innocent onlookers to please look on the floor for her ex-
SKANKY: Sex in the bathroom at Kate's- This probably is not a first, fifth, or any date at all, you're probably wasted, and everyone waiting for the bathroom definitely hates you. Sure, sex in public places is taboo and thrilling, but come on, you can get more creative, and less disgusting, than a public bathroom. SEXY: Walking home in his button-up and shorts- At least he's a generous dude. Whether or not he's your boyfriend, or he's only going to call you to get those clothes back, no one really knows. All they know is, you got some last night but you were classy enough to cover up afterwards. However, any signs of a hickey and you go in the next category. SKANKY: Walking home in last night's dress- It happens to the best of us, I know. Some girls are skanky and proud, strutting their day-old attire every Sunday morning like a badge of honor. Then there are the girls who carry their heels, cross their arms, and act as if they have no idea why you're looking at them funny. I personally have more respect for the former. SEXY: Shaving before the party- Whether its wishful thinking or a guaranteed booty call at the end of the night, you
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know it’s better safe than sorry. Shave in the shower, then there's nothing to worry about later! Seems like a pretty simple concept to most. SKANKY: Shaving in the bathroom of the party- Another horrible display I have personally encountered. A random girl shaving her girl parts, in the bathroom of a party, with a razor belonging to one of the guys hosting the party at his house. If anyone actually needs explaining as to why this is skanky, feel free to contact me. SEXY: Hanging out with his bros– The ability of a woman to seamlessly keep up with a guy and his friends without taking it too far is invaluable. When a man is challenged by a girl who is actually good at a game of pong, not just shaking her boobs at him, it speaks volumes about how cool she probably is. However, ladies, there is a fine line here. SKANKY: Trying to be a bro- No one, I mean no one, wants to hear your TFM. You are a girl, and you will never be in a frat. Look at it this way, if your boyfriend was asking you to go get your eyebrows done together followed by a marathon of The Bachelorette you'd be a little freaked out. Same goes when you're ripping ass or burping after that beer you just impressively shotgunned. So, to the ladies of Delaware, keep it classy, stay sexy and only allow yourself to be skanky on rare occasion- gotta keep things interesting.
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SHOUT OUTS! Fellow Housemate, Stop banging on my wall while you're doing it; I'm trying to sleep. Love, Room #3 Amanda, next time you decide to have a party and charge us for cups, try to make sure the keg isn't the one you left on your balcony all summer. Thanks - Girls in 704 Hey Zach, if you find a condom wrapper in your bed, that's because I banged my booty call on your bed. That should teach you to stop borrowing my scissors without asking first. Jackass. Dear kid that pissed his pants, passed out on our porch, then went inside and sat on our couch....you owe us a new couch. Sincerely, 432. A.K.A the house that still smells like piss Dear Roommate, Your boobs sag...please invest in a better bra! A not so loving roommate. Adam A., stop being such a girl all the time! Sincerely, your best friend. To the girl who let me climb up your balcony to pet your bunny, next time make me leave through your front door my ass still hurts from thinking i could jump off your balcony and land on my feet -Bust Dear Mike, apologies for puking in your fratstar room. And not realizing it til noon the next day. Sooo when's the second date? -Christine Dear Brody, Sorry about that Asian puking on your laptop and cockblocking you all night. Love, 359 and 360 SEND IN YOUR BEST SHOUT OUT TO SHOUT@theblacksheeponline.com or upload them at theblacksheeponline.com
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SPECIAL NIGHT
Everyday: $2.50 Bud Light Bottles $2.50 Miller Lite Bottles $2.50 Coors Light Bottles $4 RBVs
HAPPY HOUR HQ M-F $2 Domestic Drafts $3 Rail Drinks $1.50 Off Everything Else! (4-6pm din rm/7pm bar) $5 App Menu 4-6pm
Happy Hour M - F, 5 - 7PM $3 Single Rails, $5 Doubles $3 Margaritas on the Rocks $5 Long Island Iced Teas $3 Wine Glasses, $15 Bottles Disounted Apps!
WEDNESDAY: 1/2 Price Nachos & Quesadillas 6-Close Karaoke & Beer Pong 10pm
THURS
4PM-1AM: $5 Light Pitchers $6 Yeungling Pitchers 9PM-Close: $3 Vodka Drinks $1 Light Drafts, $3 LITs $3 Plugged in Shots
Karaoke at 10PM! $3.50 Sam Adams Drafts $10 Domestic Buckets (6PM-Close)
Double Thursdays! $5 Doubles/$3 Singles of Sailor Jerry's and 42 Below Vodka (10PM - Close)
All You Can Eat Wings 6-Cl Live Local Bands 10pm No Cover
FRI
9PM-Close: $3 Vodka Drinks $3 Teen Spirits Throwback Night - Live DJ!
Ladies Night (9 - Close)! $3 Tall Flavored Vodkas $4 No Bull & Vodka $5 Skinny Drinks Battle of the DJs at 10PM!
Double Fridays! $5 Doubles/$3 Singles of Sailor Jerry's and 42 Below Vodka (10PM - Close)
DJ Dance Party 10pm $1 Keystone Light Cans
SAT
Brunch 11 - 2 9PM-Close DJ Hugh $3 Vodka Drinks $3 Quick Hitter Shots
$4 Irish Pints (Open-5PM) $3 Bloody’s & Mimosas (10AM-2PM) LADIES NIGHT (9PM-Close) $3 Tall Flavored Vodkas $4 No Bull & Vodka, $5 Skinny Drinks Live Band 10PM
Brunch (10am - 3pm) $2 Select Drafts $3 Select Wines (10PM - Close)
Live Local Bands 10pm No Cover
SUN
Brunch 10-2 1/2 Price Entrees 4-10 9PM-Close 1/2 Price Apps $3 Vodka Drinks $2 Rails
$4 Irish Pints (Open-5PM) $3 Bloody’s & Mimosas (10AM-2PM) LADIES NIGHT (9PM-Close) $3 Bloody’s & Mimosas SUNDAY FUNDAY (6PM-Close) $4 Sweet Teas, 1/2 Price Btls. of Wine Sunday Night Football Mug Club $5 Mugs; $2.50 Domestic Draft Refills
Brunch (10am - 3pm)
MON
1/2 Price Burgers Salsa Night! 9PM-Close: $3 Vodka Drinks $2 Rails
Monday Night Football Mug Club: $5 Mugs; $2.50 Domestic Draft Refills $5 Appetizers, $2 Domestic Drafts $7 Domestic Pitchers (6PM-CLOSE)
$2 Select Drafts $3 Select Wines (10PM - Close)
1/2 Price Pizzas 6-Close Showtime Trivia 8pm
TUES
1/2 Price Nachos Techno Tuesdays 4PM-1AM: $5 Light Pitchers $6 Yeungling Pitchers 9PM-Close: $3 Vodka Drinks $3 Captain Drinks: $3 Fireball Shots "Fire and Ice" Night with Ice Luge
BURGER MANIA! $5 Burgers $4 Craft Beers 6PM-CLOSE
$3 and $5 Rail Drinks (10PM - Close)
1/2 Price Burgers 6-Close Jefe Live 10pm No Cover
WED
1/2 Price Sand/Salad 1/2 Price Apps 9-Close Greek Night! 9PM-Close $3 Vodka Drinks
YUENGS & WINGS $2 Yuengling Drafts $0.35 Wings 6PM-CLOSE
Live Music Every Wednesday! $2 Select Drafts $3 Select Wines (10PM - Close)
1/2 Price Nachos & Quesadillas 6-Close Karaoke & Beer Pong 10pm
Brunch with Live Music $3 Bloody Mary Bar 9am-2pm Sunday Funday with Chorduroy 10pm No Cover
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Fooling Collegian Taste Buds: is Quality Worth the Dough? (WARNING: Subjects of this experiment may be angered by its results. Egos will be bruised.)
Elise Barbeau wrote this Hypothesis: The average college student has no concept of quality vodka. Could people tell if their drink was expensive if not told so explicitly? And does one sex know more about vodka than the other? With nothing but some Svedka, Grey Goose, and a few willing participants, I set out to discover whether or not UD has vodka connoisseurs, or just people who prefer to take whatever they can find to the face. Procedure: Invite over friends with the lure of free shots. You probably should not tell them that they will be unflavored until it is too late. On an average Friday night I set up my experiment in the guise of a regular pregame. The participants knew they were going to be taste testing, but I didn’t tell them what brands of vodka were on the table until they arrived. This was in order to maintain an unbiased state of mind until the last second (people tend to dry heave at the thought of unflavored Burnett’s). I put the “cheap” product in one shot glass, the “expensive” product in another, and water in a red Solo cup for cleansing of the palette in between shots. The participants, two girls and two boys, were allowed to chase the second shot with whatever they chose. They were not to reveal their thoughts on which beverage was which until after both were taken. I sat across from them, notebook and pen in hand, and waited to see their tortured faces.
liver she had grown accustomed to the pain of cheap vodka. Although this was a well-thought out hypothesis, she was still mistaken. After trying to persuade me to let her repeat the experiment, I realized she was probably just using me for the Grey Goose. And I can’t blame her, since she claims to be accustomed to alcohol that tastes like a combination of flat Sprite and ass. The boys’ results could not have been more different from the girls. Not only were they correct, they were so confident in their answers that they pretty much automatically told me what they thought. (“Good stuff, boom.”) The girls took longer to think about their answers, which I think had the negative result of making them nervous. One even had the gall to say “easy peasy, lemon squeezy,” and then gave the wrong answer. Maybe this is why we’re on the list of douchiest colleges in America…
Data: Unfortunately, another stain upon the female sex. I had the two female test subjects go first. After taking both shots, they both asserted that the first shot they took was the Grey Goose, and the other was the Svedka. Wrong, so very, very wrong. Not only did they give the inaccurate answer, they were astonished that they were incorrect. (“How in the world did I get this wrong? After all of the frat parties I’ve pre-gamed for …”) One of the girls explained to me her reasoning for her answers. She said that since the Grey Goose was easier for her to drink, she figured it must be the cheap brand of vodka, being the one she is more used to drinking. Maybe after all of the steps she had taken towards killing her
Results: Men can tell if you’re a high roller and drink nice drinks. It would seem that males have a better understanding of quality alcohol and can detect it when set against an imitator. Conversely, girls seem to think that better alcohol=stronger alcohol, which is not always the case. In fact, strong alcohol tends to be smoother, so you really are paying for better quality stuff. Maybe females are more concentrated on getting drunk, rather than detecting the taste of their drinks. After all, girls just wanna have fun. Interestingly enough, half of the testers said that they preferred the cheap liquor to the expensive one. Therefore, it has come to my attention that college not only changes your outlook on life, it also warps your taste buds.
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Bartender of the
Issue
Patty ate's klondike k
Nickname: People have called me Blonde Patty Relationship status: Single Fave drink: Beer! Or a dirty martini. Fave shot: Chilled Ketel One Worst drink ever: Anything frozen, it's like juice...go to the Bahamas if you want that! Unique talent: Bringing people together, I can make perfect strangers at the bar best friends in minutes. Worst pickup line: Someone leaving a really good tip with a hotel key, that's worse than any pickup line. Funniest thing you’ve
drinking game:
Electricity
Unlike having chemistry, having electricity with someone could be dangerous. But having electricity is pretty much necessary, as is drinking booze. What You Need: Cards and alcohol. Number of Players: Three or more. Intoxication Level: Like 300,000 volts of booze running through your body. How to Play: - Deal out the entire deck to everyone playing, and don’t look at the cards. - All players flip a card at the same time. Since it’s electricity, you are only concerned with your neighbor’s cards (the cards that are touching). For example, with 3 players all cards would be touching and with 4 players only the people to the left and right count. - Everyone flips over a card. If you match suit or card type with your neighbor, drink what the card says (face cards are 10). - If you match one neighbor with suit and the other with type, then double the total of both cards. Do not double if you match only suit or type on both sides; just add up both cards. The Game Ends When: You’ve gone through the whole deck, and you’re going to electrocute yourself any minute now.
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witnessed at work: The servers at Kate’s started a "Win a Date with Bob Baker" special during Valentine’s Day and told customers to ask for details on how to win. People started googling Bob Baker and then realized he's the manager at Kate's. He’s the "Bobfather." Huge turnoffs: Someone asking for something free, I will never give it to them! I don't go into where you work at Gap and ask for some jeans for free. What do you sing in the shower: I'm not a big shower singer, I'm tone deaf...so I’ve heard. Fave hangover cure: A really good bloody Mary from Kate’s.
recipe for disaster:
7 -Layer
Sundae
A sundae is delicious and you never want it to end. This one will end eventually, but not before the button on your jeans snaps off. What You’ll Need: Pie crust, pre-made cookie dough, hot fudge, Oreos, ice cream, whip cream, maraschino cherries. Cook Time: About 5 minutes. Fatty Factor: It starts with a pie crust and ends with colored bits of sugar. You think a fatty wouldn’t eat this?
Let’s Get Baked: - Get the pie crust out of it’s container. Place enough pre-made cookie dough to cover the bottom of the pie crust. Keep in mind that it’ll expand, just like your ass. - Stick that puppy in the microwave for 15-45 seconds, depending on how you like your cookies. If you like the soft, still slightly raw texture, 20 seconds should do. Be sure to not cook it too long or the edges of the cookie will get crunchy and weird. - Warm up the hot fudge and apply a layer onto the cookie. - Place entire Oreos as a layer onto the hot fudge. - Top the Oreos with a few scoops of ice cream. - Finish it off with generous scoops of whip cream and maraschino cherries. Of course, this sundae could easily become a 2-layer sundae (simply pie crust and Oreos!) or a 10-layer sundae, adding on top sprinkles, chopped chocolate covered peanuts, various candy pieces, and your clogged arteries. Stick this treat in the freezer for some extra deliciousness.
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Continued from the Cover... Education Clothing: Nothing controversial. They wear styles everyone approves of. Solid colors, no patters that would confuse small children, and no indecent exposure, intended or unintended. Favorite activity: Practicing their handwriting. Current job: Babysitting. It’s really an exercise in patience. They should get class credit for it. Future career: Elementary teacher soon-to-be stay at home mom/dad. Pick-up line: “I just love kids. BUT NOT IN A CREEPY WAY!” ::cheesy laugh:: Most likely to be seen: At the Learning Center picking up stickers and crayons. You can never be too prepared. Favorite drink: An appropriate amount of wine. But only if they’re 21 or over! Because otherwise, you know, it’s illegal. Expect: Your friends to be jealous because you get summers off FOREVER. Also expect random scenarios thrown at you by drunk girls. Example: “What would you do if a child smeared peanut butter all over the room and then you found out another child was allergic to peanuts and you had no cell phone on you?? OMIGOD.” Fashion Clothing: Should be very fashion forward but usually isn’t. Favorite activity: Arts & crafts. Current job: UDress. It’s a full time job, right? Future career: Getting coffee for Meryl Streep. Pick-up line: “Hey bitch.” Most likely to be seen: In Allison Hall. Sewing. Favorite drink: Sex on the beach. Expect: To dole out bullshit fashion advice to people you don’t know. Communications Clothing: Sorority shirt, North Face, Abercrombie jeans or black leggings, unassuming black boots. Did I guess right? Favorite activity: Attending “socials” (read: dages) and
talking about how easy their classes are. Current job: Keeping up their Twitter/Facebook/Tumblr or all of the above. It’s just an investment in their future, really. Future career: Questionable considering they might not have one. Pick-up line: “So…what frat are you in?” Most likely to be seen: Anywhere they can get a tan. Favorite drink: Anything with alcohol in it. Expect: To watch movies in your classes, do projects about reality shows, and get a lot of insulting comments from people who wish they were in your major. Political Science Clothing: Button down and slacks. If they look like they’re prepared for a class presentation every day of the week, they’re probably a PoliSci major. Favorite activity: Arguing about current events and in general just being way more politically active than anyone our age should be. Current job: Any “leadership” position. Future career: Being Joe Biden’s bitch. Pick-up line: “Can I get into your private sector?” Most likely to be seen: At one of their multiple forwardthinking club meetings. Favorite drink: Sam Adams or any other alcoholic beverage named after a historic figure. Expect: To have a personal opinion or statement prepared about every important news story. Also expect to go along with your Professor’s chosen ideology or be prepared to fail. So, next time you throw on that “CLASS OF ‘15” t-shirt, first consider whether you want to be singled out as “that” freshman. Then I suggest you refer to this guide and figure out what you really should be wearing. After all, college is all about doing what everyone else is doing. If a business major wears sunglasses indoors then tries hitting on an English major thereby jumping of a figurative cliff, do you do the same? Yes, you do.
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New Show Schizo:
Why (and Why not) to Tune in This Fall
Fall TV season is right around the corner, which means a horde of new shows to further amplify America’s obesity issues. We look at 6 new shows and their potential fates. Will they be one-and-done like your mom was last night or will they stick around forever, pleasing our every whim, like your sister? Only time will tell! By: Atish & Brendan
Title: Apartment 23 Starring: Dreama Walker, Krysten Ritter James Van Der Beek Date/Time/Channel: Midseason on ABC Why You Should Watch It: From his cameos in How I Met Your Mother, Franklin and Bash, and even a Ke$ha video, James Van Der Beek doesn’t disappoint. The plot of the show is completely irrelevant (although admittedly awful) since you’ll be focused on Dawson Leary from episode one. Why You Shouldn’t: This show is shaping up to land into the fat middle of television—a show that’s not bad enough to turn off, but not good enough to DVR. Just be wary of falling into Van Der Beek’s head’s gravitation pull, you’ll never escape.
Title: Person of Interest Starring: Jim Caviezel, Michael Emerson Date/Time/Channel: Thursday, 9EST/8CST, CBS Why You Should Watch It: With J.J. Abrams executive producing and one of the Lost actors in the show, it’s going to be both awesome and compelling. If he could turn Felicity and Alias into mustsees, then this one should be just fine. Why You Shouldn’t: The hater in us can begrudgingly admit Person of Interest looks, well, interesting. Still, the overarching plot-- a billionaire who recruits a presumed-dead CIA agent to catch violent criminals in New York City—is too far-fetched and not properly defined for our taste.
Title: Terra Nova Starring: Jason O’Mara, Stephen Lang, Shelly Conn Date/Time/Channel: Monday, 8EST/7CST, Fox Why You Should Watch It: It’s like Jurassic Park meets Lost (those episodes centered around the first settlers) mixed with Stargate and some show that has people having sex a lot because they are scared. Winner. Why You Shouldn’t: Terra Nova, with its dystopian future and dinosaurs from millions of years ago is shaping up to be like nacho cheese and lime Jell-o, two awesome individual things that, when mixed together, produce less-than-optimum results.
Title: Playboy Club Starring: Amber Heard, Jenna Dewan-Tatum, Eddie Cibrian Date/Time/Channel: Monday, 10EST/9CST, NBC Why You Should Watch It: Any show they are boycotting in Salt Lake City and pretty much the entire state of Utah is worth watching. Sure they won’t show you any boobs since it’s on NBC, but after it gets cancelled and picked up as a Direct-TV only show with full nudity, you’re going to wish you were watching from the start. Why You Shouldn’t: This period drama is a pretty obvious Mad Men knockoff, attempting to capture the cool of 1960s casual misogyny. Except it’s on network TV, so all the sexy bits will be toned down. And if Amber Heard isn’t naked, then what’s the point?
Title: How to Be a Gentleman Starring: David Hornsby, Kevin Dillon Date/Time/Channel: Thursday, 8:30EST/7:30CST, CBS Why You Should Watch It: Sure the show is going to suck, but we know it will make one hell of a drinking game. Anytime Kevin Dillion tries to be serious, take a shot. Anytime your little brother can reenact a scene as Kevin Dillon perfectly, take a shot. You get the idea. Why You Shouldn’t: People, when are we going to stop pretending that Kevin Dillon is great at acting like a mongoloid and just accept the fact that he lucked into the one career when he can succeed despite being an actual mongoloid?
Title: Last Man Standing Starring: Tim Allen, Nancy Travis Date/Time/Channel: Tuesday, 8EST/&CST, ABC Why You Should Watch It: This has to be Tim Allen’s ultimate comeback. I mean, it can’t be any worse than the Santa Clause movies, Joe Somebody, Christmas with the Kranks, The Shaggy Dog, or Wild Hogs…right? Why You Shouldn’t: Last Man Standing is a network sitcom about a guy (Allen) asserting his manhood in a world dominated by women. So basically it’s one doofus dude that wants to do guy things, but his levelheaded wife and sassy teenage daughters won’t let him. Unless this is some sort of meta-satire of the whole sitcom genre (Note: It is not) then how exactly is this different from According to Jim?
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Kids These Days
the interview
13
Kids These Days are a bunch of rapscallions from the fine city of Chicago that just so happen to be in a band. Their eclectic style, a mix of soul, hip-hop, jam and funk, made us want to talk to them. Macie, the lady lead, obliged. The Black Sheep: So I know the band is all relatively young, but how old are you? Macie Stewart: I’m 18. TBS: And how old is the oldest person in the band? Macie: I think 19? TBS: That makes me sad. When and how did you guys start getting together? Macie: Well, a few of us went to high school together, and some of us—not me, unfortunately-- went to the Merit School of Music and enjoyed playing music together, so they decided to start a band. They brought in me and [rapper] Vic, because we had all gone to school together. The band started there. TBS: How does a band so young write songs that evoke emotion, when, frankly, you’re lacking a lot of the life experiences your peers have? Macie: Personally, I write ambiguous lyrics drawn from my own experiences, while Vic
CD REVIEW
Clap Your Hands Say Yeah Hysterical
Out Now
C-
Far from wanting to clap your hands or say yeah. A lot can happen in four years, we all know that. Your senior self shivers at the sight of a photo from cool freshman year - peace sign in one hand, a halfempty fifth in the other, and way, way too much barely-legal cleavage. Some of us getter better with time while some unfortunately get worse, usually the ones who made a splash in their freshman dorms but four years later they’re far from graduating and already regaling their glory days from college. Ah, trag. Indie rockers and Brooklyn natives Clap Your Hands Say Yeah haven’t released an album in four years, and that wasn’t even they’re debut eponymous album that put them on the map. That 2005 self-released album got a 9.0 from Pitchfork, a “50 Most Important Recordings of the Decade” accolade from NPR, and countless other favorable reviews and awesome singles, but it’s been all downhill for the guys since. It seems as though these guys lost their enthusiasm – less screeching and excitement then years ago with more toned-down beats and lyrics, which is not what appealed listeners to CYHSY in the first place. Sure, bands changing their sound isn’t always a bad thing, but no matter how it turns out it’s always going to be a gamble. Though Hysterical isn’t exactly terrible, it just isn’t anything special. Alec Ounsworth’s unique vocals in the opening song “Same Mistake” screech of making the same mistake, as if he is even questioning the success
of this album. The album chugs along to poppy guitar and keyboards but fails to stand out. It’s easy to listen to this album and feel okay about it, but you’d hardly notice that it even ended. “Siesta (for Snake)” is the best on the album, as the slow, passionate singing has the most substance of all the songs on Hysterical. “Maniac” is one of the singles from the album, and so listlessly sounds like the rest that at least it keeps you on edge for something exciting to happen, but then you’re not even disappointed when nothing exciting comes of it. Even the lyrics are pessimistic: “I miss the way you stare at me as if I was a memory.” You can always wonder why a band with as much potential as these guys have failed to keep up to their own hype. Maybe they got too wrapped up in their initial success and have felt self-conscious ever since, or maybe getting pseudo-signed has gone to their heads, or maybe it was just dumb beginner’s luck. All I know is that if CYHSY want to get back to the glory of their freshman year it’s going to take a hell of a lot more of a makeover then just hitting the gym five days a week. Sounds Like: The end of a lame party. Download: Siesta (for Snake) Listen to it When: You need some decent background music.
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writes his stuff based on his life, but also what he’s seen living in the city of Chicago. TBS: What have you been a part of that helped you define your vision as a musician? Macie: My mother is a musician and she—in large part—inspired me to write music. She’s good and it inspired me to write my own kind of music. Other artists like Fiona Apple and Metric inspire me to write my own lyrics instead of singing someone else’s. TBS: And with such a large band how do artistic contributions work? Like, how do you guys go about birthing a song? Macie: Sometimes someone will bring in an idea, and we’ll all build off that idea, whether it’s adding horns or a piano part. It’s really organic how we write our music, it’s not like we’re just sitting around saying, “let’s write a song!” TBS: How would you describe your band in 5 words or less.
Macie: We have our own sound. TBS: Not bad. Macie: It’s hard to describe, we all have different influences, and we bring them together to create something new. TBS: Do you ever worry that the eclectic sound you have will come off as unfocused? Macie: No, we play what we like and we play what we think sounds good. If someone thinks we’re unfocused, fuck ‘em. What we do, we do out of love. TBS: How would you describe a live show to someone who hasn’t seen you before? Macie: Crazy, lots of energy, fun and a lot of music. A party at the venue and a party on stage. Shows are the most fun part of this thing, I think. TBS: What’s the most fun show you’ve ever played? Macie: We played the Bele Chere festival in Ashville, North Carolina and it was the most fun I’ve had on stage. The crowd was just great and we were really feeling it. TBS: Do you guys hang out off-stage, or is it more of a “we’re done here, let’s all go our separate ways” kind of thing? Macie: We hang out after rehearsal, because practice is for practicing, and we like each other. TBS: Are you guys prevented from doing certain things because of your youth? Macie: I don’t think it prevents stuff, but sometimes we’ll play a 21+ venue and they’ll treat us like kids, writing huge “X”s on our hands or they won’t let us into the venue because we don’t have a 21+ ID. Shit happens, but there’s been nothing that has, like, totally held us back. TBS: If you could collaborate with any living artist, who would it be? Macie: Stevie Wonder. TBS: If you could pick a mythical creature as a pet, which would it be and why? Macie: That thing from Harry Potter, what’s it called? TBS: A Hippogriff? Macie: Yeah! TBS: If you could replace one part of your body with a robot replacement, what would you do? Macie: My legs, then I could run super-duper fast. TBS: Favorite childhood movie? Macie: Mulan.
Y O E CFootball N F I G Season! H T S O N G A L A R C R Tackle Season! I W Football S G R N F me B Q G L A D L U T Y R R B Yards class itas me! me Quarterback time Beer itas me! Brats S N B P A L OG E L V H F A Y R R C A R Cooler D B E L O N A D C E M A L R E L O O C Gameday S N BG P A L O G E L V H F A Y R R C A R Koozies F T R N E I W R E L M U I D A T S G E S Tailgate G D B UEGLK O D NCME TMOA R ME GLGOROL C Pigskin AN DA RO C LS A C Gameday FirstDown F T RMNT EO IL W HairMary Y R L DE EL QMUUA IR D T A E RT BS AGCEK SE Tailgate Helmet U G K BA I DO RT O Flag CN Z M T CTMOPCI SG A S M K G I NGMRC LCCS FirstDown EndZone Stadium OO S CUHAE RE TR EL R E AB DAECR KA ET Helmet BCS M T OLLHYZ LY D E Q Victory Y M R OP T I CGI SV K E II H Holding B I OET PCI ZN TB C N TMDCACT SA EndZone Fightsong CS NC F H I GE HE T RS LO E NG Tackle L H Z YYOOE O A AD LE ARRAC TR BCS Fumble N F B Q G L A D L U T Y R R B Yards E P I INWBS YG RR O T C I V E I H T D A T A Holding Quarterback Mascot Y O E C N F I G H T S O N G A L A R C R Tackle Cheerleader Beer I W S G R N F B Q G L A D L U T Y R R B Yards Penalty Brats S Quarterback CoolerF Koozies Beer Pigskin Brats HairMary Cooler Flag Koozies Stadium Pigskin Victory HairMary Fightsong Flag Fumble Mascot Stadium Cheerleader Victory Penalty Fightsong
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