Volume 1, Issue 3 | 10/13/11 - 11/03/11 | theblacksheeponline.com
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Trick or Treat Guide to a Sexy Halloween stephanie wight wrote this Oh, Halloween, how you’ve changed from an innocent childhood memory to a skanky adult fantasy. You’re really quite a convenient holiday- all about candy and awesome Power Rangers costumes when we were little and then you transform into an age-appropriate celebration: parties and sex. However, just as there are tricks and treats in the kid version of Halloween (pretzels instead of candy?!?) we encounter a few in the (ahem) more mature world of Halloween. Here are a few to keep in mind this year:
Treat: The Altoid trick really does work. Exception to the rule: some forms of candy can act as accessories to your sex life. If you and Sexy Firefighter want to take things up a notch, candy-involved sexual favors may do the trick. Along with the usual suspects- whipped cream and chocolate syrup- you could try a little candy taste testing off of your bodies. Blindfold included. Am I getting a little too Cosmo here? I’ll leave the rest for your imagination.
At The Party: Trick: You decided to celebrate a couple days early and are the only one dressed as a Skanky Cop. It’s the Thursday before Halloween and you’ve spent weeks putting together the sexiest costumes. Why wouldn’t you take advantage of a rager during Halloween week to show off your stuff? Seems logical, but you have to be extra careful of the party’s intention. If the Facebook event says costumes are necessary, you’re good to go. But nothing’s worse than looking like the asshole who got too excited to show off their hawt bod a couple days too early.
Yes, The Costume: Trick: Because you ordered your sexy nurse costume in extra small and you forgot the underwear, everyone saw your vagina. As long as you’re flaunting your assets, and not completely disregarding public decency (sorry Chunky, but Little Mermaid’s not really your style), then this night is a time to show off your naughty side. But please keep your lady parts well concealed. If you have to ask every girl in your sorority if something is too slutty, it probably shouldn’t be worn out of the house. Really, which girl is going to answer truthfully anyway; “No I totally can’t see your butt cheeks. Just don’t bend over at all and you’ll be fine.” Uh I’m pretty sure you will be bent, hands to the floor, the whole party so good luck with that.
Treat: Sexy Firefighter meets Skanky Cop and you get down and dirty on the dance floor. On Halloween drawing in some extra attention with your costume is always a bonus. Plus everyone seems more in the mood to get frisky. In my opinion, every party should be themed (all year round), because it makes people so much more interesting. I’m not one to approach randos, but if you’re a guy wearing a grandma costume, with fake saggy tits and all, I may ask to snap a photo. Then there are the awkward people who put a lot of effort into their costume, but no one knows what the hell they are. I’ll probably approach this odd character as well, and then feel dumb for not knowing whatever historical figure they are trying to impersonate. Oh, The Candy: Trick: The 30 Reese’s you ate made you vomit during sex. Halloween candy isn’t the best addition to your sex life, especially if you’re a chocolate addict and this holiday is your excuse to relapse each year. It’s about that time of the semester when we decide to bag the summer diet and let loose for the winter. It’s too chilly to walk to the gym, and hot cocoa begins to remerge into our daily lives. However, your sex life doesn’t go into hibernation mode for the winter, so just because you wear long sleeves to class, doesn’t mean you won’t be seen topless behind closed doors. As a general rule of thumb- vomiting due to any form of consumption is strictly appropriate for freshmen only, so take it slow on the Twix.
Other stuff
Inside
05: A Real Tour of UD
What you’d learn if your backwardwalking tour guide was honest.
Treat: Your fake handcuffs really came in handy. More useful accessories! Interactive costumes are where it’s at. My roommate was a Twister board one year (wore the board as a mini dress and carried the spinner as a purse). The amount of guys who touched her boobs that night (“It’s loud in here, I thought you said left hand blue!”) was ridiculous. Other accessories can be dangerous: last year my boyfriend was a “carpenter” and he got in a little tussle with a frat guy at a Halloween party. When the bro tried to fight him, all he had to do was whip out his hammer and the argument was settled. However, if it had been later in the night and the two men had been in a less coherent state, shit may have gotten ugly. As you can see, Halloween celebrations in college must be very calculated. Over drinking is a given, but you want to manage your skankiness, candy indulgence and props with a little bit of dignity. There is a very fine line between the treats of meeting Dr. Do Me and wowing him with your Miss Behavin’ costume, and the tricks of a Janet Jackson mishap while you’re on stage at Kate’s.
05: top 10
Predications for overdone Halloween costumes.
13: we interview das racist a hip-hop trio who are, in fact, not racists.
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P9: Late Night Food p4: College Shame Once you really think about A simple process gone horit, we’re all pretty pathetic. ribly, horribly wrong.
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p4: From the Streets What’s your favorite thing about Halloween?
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P10: bartender of the month Taking a Blow Job Shot? This guy can help!
p6: The Modern Bard: Lil P12: the 14th minute Wayne Don’t believe he’s the Shake- These famous people make us look like Britney Spears. speare of our day? That’s just ‘cuz you’re a hater. P14: Madlib: worst class ever P7: Party pics Don't remember dancing on Not unlike the class you're currently sitting in, right? the bar Friday night? P8: the bar grid Wouldn't you rather save money and buy more drinks?
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From 'da Streets What’s your favorite part of Halloween?
“Putting razorblades in Reese's Cups and handing them out to little ki.... Wait. Nevermind.” Edgar P.
College: Extremely Shameful or Shamelessly Extreme? Kevin Czarzasty wrote this As a soon-to-be university graduate, I am supposed to be preparing myself for the so-called real world. I’m prepping to become a leader in my field of study, to sustain a family, to sustain my life. So why am I drinking unreal amounts of poison more nights than not? I don’t mean to be a downer, but why is my weekend a total failure if I didn’t go down on her? …Is my life pathetic? The conclusion I’ve come to is simple: College really is really fun. Sure, my lifestyle should be frowned upon, maybe even made illegal. But I’m having the literal time of my life. I’m growing in more ways than just my waistline—particularly if she is being a “downer.” I am having a good fucking time. Pun intended. So in honor of this lifestyle, let’s examine the shame that makes college a cool age. Over-sleeping: Every semester, I carefully crafted my schedule to assure that I can hibernate until 9:30 AM—at the absolute earliest. Today, something extraordinarily rare occurred. I awoke at 8:00 AM, and I assure you, this tragedy was not by choice. (My roommate woke at 5:00 PM--no lie.) You see, yesterday we made the irresponsible decision to day-drink with only John Daniel’s. (When you’ve known him as long and well as I do, he goes by John) Put simply, my body would not allow me to further inebriate and dehydrate, so I slept through the entire night. I’ve revived with fourteen hours of deep sleep. Hi, my name is Kevin, and I am technically a bedridden alcoholic. Which leads me to the next point.
Over-sexing: Closely related to alcohol is promiscuity. The sexual extravagina is widespread and active. Sorry, Freudian slip, I mean, “extravaganza.” I can think of only three other cases where this much sexual contact is deemed acceptable. The Discovery Channel’s Planet Earth, religious sex rituals of indigenous people, and Woodstock. Planet Earth is acceptable because it features nature’s animals procreating, hunter-gatherers can shag all they like because it’s their spiritual expression, and Woodstock was Woodstock. College kids, however, are allowed to be so promiscuous because we’re told we will get a $200,000 dollar receipt. More power to us.
"I love Halloween because you can dress like a transvestite and no one cares" -Ryan K.
Under-nourishing: So far we are narcoleptic zombies that risk our parents’ life savings to fornicate frivolously. But it doesn’t stop there. Not only are we pathetic, but our surroundings are pathetic. For example, I’m pretty sure I literally live under the poverty line. This house wouldn’t pass public inspection anywhere else in the country. Go to Cleveland, go to North Chapel, go to West Main. Go to a party, use the bathroom, and tell me that clogged crapper is sanitarily acceptable.
"I've seen students so drunk that they make infants appear intellectual."
Over-drinking: Inherent to the over-sleeping is the overdrinking. Some students actually do this bizarre action calling “blacking out.” Black out, meaning we make ourselves unconscious. I've seen students so drunk that they make infants appear intellectual. There are more zombies at a college rush party than in the “Thriller” music video. We appear half dead, we walk with an awkward sense of balance, we are unbearably hungry, and we hunt down humans in the dark corners of a basement.
College is indeed dismal, our lifestyle is kinda lifeless. But remember, I’m being too harsh, there is more going on here than an expensive insurance policy. Next Sunday morning, when your head is throbbing and your body is broken, remember, this place is effing awesome. We are at our most beautiful, most healthy. We are young and wild. We are studying our field of interest and living like rockstars. So be empathetic with your pathetic lifestyle. I’m being critical of college, but considering how much fucking fun I have, how much I’ve personally grown over these three years, and how much fucking fun I have, this ain’t so bad. At the start of this article, I asked if my life is pathetic. The answer is no. My life is not pathetic, my lifestyle is pathetic. And I love it. Maybe I deserve to be gloriously pathetic for four years. I should probably stop writing articles about the disgraceful aspects of college…its really quite a pathetic thing to do.
@TheBlackSheepUD & FB: The Black Sheep at Delaware
"TRICK OR TRASHED!!!—Ask your friends to bring a TRICK or a TREAT to your Halloween party or pregame." - Libby P.
THe top ten
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predictions for most Overdone Costumes of 2011 10) Zombie: This year zombies replace vampires as the most generic, but still pretty cool costume (thanks to The Walking Dead). The world is ending pretty damn soon, so it makes sense. You need to prepare for 2012, which is why you must make yourself look like a terrifying, diseased, dead person who staggers hungrily down Main Street, in search of food (DP Dough and humans). 9) Jersey Shore Castmember: This is perfect for all you Bros and Guidettes out there who are just too hungover to throw together a costume. So maybe you were the same thing last year, but, uhh hello, it’s a new season. Now that the cast has spent some time in Italy, they have developed something new— a sense of culture and sensibility. So be classy and chug a bottle or two of wine in the bathroom. And go ahead and harass the guys at Margherita’s so you can get your late night Italian-style pizza.
What A UD Tour Guide Forgets to Mention Elise Barbeau wrote this As I walked down the green on my way home from class, I thought of the tour that I went on to see this school for the first time. It was pouring rain, I had my Dad asking the stupidest parent-esque questions, (“Is this considered a party school?” “What’s the teacher-to-student ratio?”… really, who cares Dad.), and frat boys yelling at me from their porch. And yet, by some freak miracle, I still chose to come here for college. What made my decision, you may ask? It might seem weird, but I came here simply because my tour guide ruled. She knew literally everything about the school, was really sarcastic, and was a great backwards walker! How could I miss out on that? I only wish she would have told me a few things about our school that you will never see in any brochure, lecture, or campus tour. Maybe her tour should have gone something like this: “Welcome to the North Green! Pretty, isn’t it? Too bad you’ll be too busy with work to ever fully enjoy it. Here on the right is Gore Hall, a building that has way too many stairs, and also features a resident homeless person on one of its benches.” “Delaware’s weather is highly inconsistent, and you will find yourself sweating on your way to class and freezing on the way home. Shit happens, bring a jacket.” “This is the Trabant Student Center, where 90 percent of the time you cannot find a table because there is only one person sitting per 6-person booth. These people are highly inconsiderate, and should consider getting friends so they don’t look so awkward.” “Here we are at the library, another place rife with inconvenient seating arrangements. If you’re studying and think you’ve suddenly been transported to a distant country, don’t worry, it’s only the foreign exchange students coming in from their smoke break (a break from what exactly?) and talking far too loud for proper library etiquette.” “When the time comes for you to sign up for the next semester’s classes, make sure your computer is charged, you don’t have anywhere to be for about 5 hours, and you have supplied yourself with a full list of the classes you want with corresponding professors. Not that that list matters anyway, since you will only get in to about half of
the classes you actually want to take.” “Football is great but for inexplicable reasons, no one fun goes to the games. However, the student response to tailgates is more impressive than numbers of responses on clicker quizzes.” “If you’re thinking about bringing a bike to school, don’t. It’s not only unnecessary, but life-threatening to pedestrians. If you must bring a bike, at least learn how to operate it correctly, without swerving and telling people who actually have the right of way to yield.” “The number of sketchy people who hang out on Main St. increases every year, and now includes one who wears something resembling Jedi robes. Avoid the random lawn next to Cosi and anywhere East of Bing’s Bakery. Hide ya kids, hide ya wife.” “Living in the dorms comes with a price other than stink bugs. You will be awakened several times each semester, usually at ungodly hours of the early morning on a weeknight when you have an exam that day, by a piercing fire alarm that shakes your bed with its volume. However, I would recommend following safety procedures, since it is also inevitable that someone in your building will blow up the microwave with popcorn. Better safe than sorry.” “Advisors are a great resource, and can help you organize your schedule and plans for after graduation. That is, if they ever respond to your incessant emails and actually show up for appointments. My recommendation is to develop a friendly relationship with an upper-classman, someone who can show you the real ropes of college life and can prepare you for the scary abyss that is ‘the real world.’” A tour of UD is a great way to familiarize yourself with the campus, the buildings, and the city of Newark. And yet, nothing but pure experience can prepare you for your life as a Blue Hen. Saddle up, freshmen, it’s going to be a crazy ride. Have anything you wish you knew about UD before you arrived? Post the funniest one on our Facebook page (The Black Sheep at Delaware) and we’ll put it in the next issue!
8) Nicki Minaj: “Super Bass” seems to be one of the most contagious songs, so why wouldn’t you want to be the the motherfuckin’ monster lady of the year? The Young Money singer knows how to “mack those dudes up,” and those who dress as her will too. Wig is most likely necessary, and a lollipop. Bottoms up. 7) William and Kate: For those of you lovebirds who enjoy being super adorable and making other people jealous, well now you can make everyone feel worse. Adorn yourself in fine jewels, flowing gowns and chivalrous suits and pretend every party is your very own Westminster Abbey or Buckingham Palace. Make everyone bow down to you or demand wedding toasts every 20 minutes. Once the champagne is flowing, recreate the wedding night, on a couch, in the basement, of a frat party. Extra points if you pull off a half decent accent. 6) Something in a Box: Dear man who chooses to put his dick in a box this year, why? Sure, you might think you are so god damn funny, but it’s creepy. Nobody really does want to know what’s inside that box. I mean we have an imagination. Do yourself a favor, don’t do it. 5) Pregnant Beyonce (Plan B): Remember all those times you thought you were pregnant but you really weren’t? Well, thanks to the ultimate single lady who isn’t even single, you can now relive the traumas of pregnancy scares. And you’re Beyonce, so it’s cool to be pregnant. Every guy will want to be your irreplaceable baby’s daddy (Jay Z). Try to avoid a nextday hangover, which you might mistake for morning sickness. Ew. 4) Charlie Sheen: Those of you looking for a safe bet (a wholesome, fatherly figure), will definitely choose to be one of the most talked about men/drugs of the year. You can bounce around a party and say things like, “I am on a drug, it's called Charlie Sheen. It's not available because if you try it you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body." Spend your night being a drunken fool and no matter what you’ll end your night #winning and “allegedly” cheating on your significant other, with her corporate-slut, secretary friend. 3) Kim Kardashian: Many of you will feel comfortable putting on a sexy dress, glamming up with smokey eyes and being a bootylicious bitch. You may never be Kate Middleton, but you can still find yourself a husband (even with your life-threatening psoriasis).So go ahead and drink as much as you would like because no matter what you’ll end up crying and nobody will care. Just don’t let anyone find out about your scandalous sex tape. 2) Steve Jobs: Of course it’s way too soon, so at least 1 in 10 of you insensitive partiers will choose to be the former Apple CEO. For inspiration, gather up your Iphone 4s, Macbook Pro and iPod touch. Maybe even snack on caramel apples until you turn into one. Each time you hear someone bitch about having to wait for the Iphone 5 to come out, take a drink. 1) Cat: Let’s face it. It’s the Thursday before Halloween, and you have to go out. It doesn’t matter that last year (and maybe the year before) you wore your cheetah dress with cat ears and stilettos and paraded around Main Street “hissing” and “meowing” at innocent humans as some sort of cat/cheetah/sexy animal. You’re out of creative ideas, and you need an excuse to get drunk, so add some whiskers and go ahead and drink so much that you’ll forget how uncreative and pathetic you may be.
brittany barkes wrote this
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Much Ado thAbout Weezy Or a 16 century rendering of “Got Money”
megan walsh wrote this
I was recently informed by someone who, prior to this particular conversation, I considered a good friend, that Ke$ha is the Shakespeare of our day. You can’t get more ignorant than that. Clearly, Lil’ Wayne is the real modern Shakespeare. The proof is right in front of our eyes – or ears– in the musical masterpiece that is “Got Money.”
If you got money, and you know it Take it out your pocket and show it Then throw it like This a way That a way This a way That a way If you get mugged from everybody you see Then hang over the wall of the VIP like This a way That a way This a way That a away I was bouncing through the club she love the way I ditty bop I see her boyfriend hating like a city cop Now I ain't never been a chicken but my fitted cocked Said I ain't never been a chicken but my semi cocked Now where ya bar at?...I'm trying run it out And we so bout it bout it, now what are you bout? DJ showed them love, he said my name when the music stop Young money Lil Wayne, then the music drop I make it snow, I make it flurry I make it all back tomorrow don't worry Yeah Young Wayne on then hoes AKA Mr. Make it rain on them hoes If you got money, and you know it Take it out your pocket and show it Then throw it like This a way That a way This a way That a way If you get mugged from everybody you see Then hang over the wall of the VIP like This a way That a way This a way That a away.
Fair ladies and gentlemen, If thou hath riches, and these riches are known to ye, Remove them from thine robes And toss them aside to me, As a boatswain is tossed to and fro On a ship that is o’er wrought by the flow of a tempest. But If all thy false friends filch said riches Position thyself over nobility’s garden wall and let fly your riches as a pendulum might fall. I hath only to cavort about ‘fore the lady take note of my steps I spy her young knave with eyes laying envy upon mine biceps Never have I known fear, my lord Yet I find myself drawing my ever trusty sword. My liege, wherefore art thou tavern? For I have much use for it My men are well prepared, are you yet prepared to quit? The jester entertains them Then he calls out to Weezy When yonder tune pauses Let loose your money The money doth fly like a winter storm I shall have it back in time, never fail to perform Young Wayne loves all thee strumpets Such wealth they demand That the heavens rain gold At his every demand If thou hath riches, and these riches are known to ye, Remove them from thine robes And toss them aside to me, As a boatswain is tossed to and fro On a ship that is o’er wrought by the flow of a tempest. But If all thy false friends filch said riches Position thyself over nobility’s garden wall and let fly your riches as a pendulum might fall.
You get the point. Lil’ Wayne is a lyrical genius with a Shakespearean soul just dying to get out. Shakespeare was known for making up words that made it into everyday language, and Weezy Baby plays the same role today. Alright so maybe “ditty bop” isn’t a well known phrase quite yet, but don’t try to tell me Dr. Carter hasn’t taught you a thing or two about how to love.
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SHOUT OUTS! Dear Roomie. When I am sick, please do not wake me at 1 am to have another inane phone call with your boyfriend. Also, if I passively aggressively wake up and play tetris, it is a point- not permission to skype him and talk to his cat. Sincerely, WTF Wait...Jake...you're not an alum and you can't give me a summer internship? Dammit. - Sarah Boy from Kate's - what's your name again? And can I have my bra back, please? Jackie, next time you decide to bring home a random guy and girl by tempting them with a threesome, pass out, and let them hookup on the couch...I'm going to shave your head. They left love stains! -Pissed Off Mandy Dear Roommate, Sorry you woke up while I was having sex in the bed next to you. Sincerely, Your roommate that got it in Dear guy that fell in someone else's puke at the Library, thank you for the best laugh of my life. Dave - I told you the table couldn't hold your fat ass. You're covering the damages and buying a new table -Tom Girl in the blue bra and nose ring at the underwear and overalls party, you're sexy as shit. Wish I could dance with you again. - The cute redheaded girl To the jackass in EVERY lecture...if the whole row is empty, why the hell are you sitting in the first spot. Oh, because you wanted to stare at my ass when I had to walk by you. Lame -Tight pink pants
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late night food: A Simple Task Gone Horribly Wrong Nora Carnevale wrote this Everyone’s had this experience. It’s late, you’re hammered, and along comes the overwhelming and undeniable urge to stuff your face full of greasy, cheap food. Even better, either a delivery driver or a waiter is going to deliver the high-calorie indulgence directly to your foodhole. Nothing can go wrong, right? For those of you silly readers who think this plan is foolproof, here's a list of what can, and will, go wrong. Passing out: You’re lying in bed, imagining the feast that will soon be delivered to your bedside. You’ve forgotten that to retrieve this grease and goodness, you’ll be required to use all of your remaining coordination to stumble to the door, take the food and complete a simple transaction. Before you take an aspirin and drink a bottle of water to prevent tomorrow's hangover, you contract narcolepsy, leaving the delivery guy repeatedly calling your phone or knocking on the door. Leaving the Address You Told the Driver: The funny thing about that frat house you just left is, it's not where you live. And the thing about delivery drivers is they don't have tracking devices to navigate your route you stumbled home. So, as if they don't hate their lives enough, they're now awkwardly holding your pizza in front of a crowded party with the paying customer no longer in attendance. It can be assumed that this does not end well for them, but ends great for everyone at the party who gets a free slice. Not Having Money: A drunk mind can’t understand that in order to retrieve food from the delivery person, an exchange of currency must take place. Many people, when drunk, seem to forget the basic rules of a free-trade market, and assume that some delivery guy just really wanted to bring them a late night snack, purely out of the kindness of their heart. Incoherently Ordering: It's easy to imagine that the only thing worse than working at a greasy restaurant at two in the morning while all of your friends are out partying is trying to decipher what the hell the idiot on the other end of the line is trying to say. “Can I have uh, like...all your cheese fries? And do you guys deliver watermelon or something? How will I be
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paying? Um, I don't know...” Passing Out on The Table: If you're brave enough to venture to a late-night diner, try your best not to be the person in the group drooling on the menu by the time the waitress delivers your drinks. And, far worse would be the person not concerned with preserving even an ounce of dignity and pukes at the table. To the delight of your friends, who can now bring up this moment for the rest of time. Dropping Food on the Ground: Eat anyway: Five second rule, right? Who cares. It's not like you've never done anything dirtier. Eating a Large Amount of Food then Crying About How Fat You Are: This means you, girls. You knew what you were doing when you devoured that foot-long hoagie, all of those wings, and an entire pizza. No one feels sorry for you now. Take this as a lesson. That dress might have been a little too tight anyway. Many of these mishaps are a funny, some might even say successful, way of ending a night out. But make sure you aren't this person too much or you might just be the drunkest girl at the party.
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Bartender
of the
Issue
re's a d il K tz i Fr
Name: Fritz Favorite Drink: Black Velveteen (Strongbow and Guinness) Favorite Shot: Fireball Whiskey Worst Drink you have had: Jersey Turnpike and 4 Horsemen Craziest thing you have witnessed at work: Some girl puked into her car bomb and the guy next to her ended up drinking it. If you could sing Tuesday night karaoke, what would you sing? : LMFAO- Party Rock Anthem Craziest costumes you have seen? Jolly Green Giant man on stilts. Also, some guy made a robot
suit with lights and a funnel to pour beer into. Cheapest way to get drunk: Trashcans, but I’m a responsible bartender so I don’t get people drunk. Which Jersey Shore girl would you bang? JWOWW Best hangover cure: junky, greasy food Hidden Talent: I can hold a pen in my hair. Best advice for handling a blowjob shot: No hands. Go with your instincts. Don’t forget the balls; they need attention too.
recipe for disaster:
drinking game:
Kill Man
Snickers Toast
Having a tarp on hand might be helpful for this game, but there won’t be any need to dispose of evidence, unless something goes horribly wrong, no one dies in this game.
Sure, there’s probably something open at this hour that’ll have a magical aisle full of potent, sugar-laden treats. It’s a block away though, and it’s stupid to walk that far.
What You Need: Some beers and some bros. Number of Players: At least three, but not more than five hundred. Intoxication Level: Not quite “alcohol poisoning” dead.
What You’ll Need: Bread, Nutella, crunchy peanut butter. Cook Time: There’s not really any cooking involved. Fatty Factor: Not great, but it could seriously be worse.
How to Play: -Before each round begins, make sure each player has a beer can. -The game begins with all players opening their beer can at the same time. -All players begin chugging their beer. The first person to finish their beer becomes the “Kill Man.” -Each player opens a new beer, players are not allowed to drink these beers. -At this point, the Kill Man can point to any player at any time, making them drink any amount of beer. -Whichever player finishes their beer first (per Kill Man orders) becomes the Kill Man for the next round.
Let’s Get Baked: -Um, get out all of the ingredients. -Apply the crunchy peanut butter to the bread. -Do the same thing with the Nutella. -You’re done here, unless… -Let’s get freaky with it. Do you want a Snickers ice cream sandwich? Slap some ice cream on that bitch. -Want a Snickers Almond? Chop up some almonds and put them on that bread. -Oh man, enjoy.
The Game Ends When: Someone decides to be a buzzkill, man.
thirsty for more? theblacksheeponline.com/drinkage
Sometimes you just gotta enjoy the simple things in life. Nothing big here, unless you’re big on flavor. Am I right?
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h t 4 1 Minute!
Leonardo DiCaprio is world-famous for acting in some of the best films of the last decade. Hillary Clinton is famous because she’s the most powerful woman in the world. A small Senegalese child knows LeBron James because he can jump out of a building in a single bound. But what about the rest? In this era of celebrity culture there’s too many people famous for…what exactly? To see if we could pin these pretenders we looked at celebrity gossip websites to find people we couldn’t identify, then we tried to identify what made them worthy of the limelight. By: Brendan
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Kim Delaney We Think She’s Famous For: Being T-Mobile’s ad spokeswoman when flip phones were still the cat’s pajamas, as folk were wont to say in 1996. Why She’s Actually Famous: This actress has been on a bunch of relatively popular TV shows, like Army Wives, The O.C. and N.Y.P.D. Blue. Recently, though, she made headlines for giving a speech in front of a bunch of military folk…drunk. Where She’ll Be In Five Years: A wonderful land called Denial, where your third and fourth stints in alcohol rehab mean you get comp’ed your fifth check-in.
Joe Manganiello We Think He’s Famous For: Being a club promoter in Scottsdale, Arizona. There’s rumored to be pictures of him snorting coke off of Lindsey Lohan’s tits. Why He’s Actually Famous: Joe plays werewolf Alcide Herveaux on HBO’s True Blood, because being tall, ripped and handsome is a prerequisite for being a werewolf. Nerds have nothing to worry about. Where He’ll Be In Five Years: He’ll be starring opposite Bradley Cooper in a summer bromance movie called Hairy Waves.
Brenda Song We Think She’s Famous For: Song is the Rebecca Black of Thailand, where her hit, “Only 20 Hours of Work Today!” propelled her to superstardom. Why She’s Actually Famous: Being a huge hit on the Disney Channel, most notably as London Tipton on The Suite Life of Zack & Cody. Where She’ll Be In Five Years: In a bathtub full of money, laughing and sipping champagne while screaming out, “Sweatshop profiteering is the best!”
Michaele Salahi We Think She’s Famous For: A early-90s criminal case that saw her spend 12 years in jail after sleeping with one of her 14-year-old students. Basically, she looks like a hot teacher. Why She’s Actually Famous: Besides having an impossible-to-spell name, Salahi is best known for her role on The Real Housewives of D.C. In 2009 she made waves for crashing a White House party, and made headlines a few weeks ago by leaving her husband for Neal Schon, the guitarist for Journey. Where She’ll Be In Five Years: Back in her plastic surgeon’s office, getting an estimate on how much it would cost to give her facelift a facelift.
Austin Butler We Think He’s Famous For: Being exactly what the Nazis had in mind when they started their eugenics program. Why He’s Actually Famous: Butler is known for his work in Ned's Declassified School Survival Guide and High School Musical spinoff Sharpay’s Fabulous Adventure. Where He’ll Be In Five Years: On the secret Nazi moon base, preparing to exact revenge for the historically tragic death of his biological father, Adolf Hitler.
Imogen Thomas We Think She’s Famous For: By the looks of it, she’s a recent recipient of a MacArthur Genius Grant for the work she’s done in the field of advanced particle physics. Why She’s Actually Famous: Thomas is known for her 3-month stay on British reality show Big Brother, and her two big sisters. By “sisters” we mean “tits.” Where She’ll Be In Five Years: Thomas will be the Queen of the Island of Misfit Floozies, which is actually a couple miles off of the southern tip of Florida.
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Das Racist
the interview
Don’t worry guys, we didn’t interview the entity that is racism. Das Racist is a trio of multiethnic dudes from Brooklyn whose unconventional style has landed them on multiple “best of” lists and on the stages of dozens of high-profile music festivals. Their latest album Relax just dropped and they’re coming to a city near you...soon. We chatted with them about live performances, growing up, and ideal fast food combinations. TBS: You guys have a very energetic live show. Offstage are you guys pretty animated, or are you pretty mellow? Das Racist: Yeah, more than like your average moron-like manner. To be honest, the way I think about it – which I never have before you asked me about it – I guess when we started doing shows we would be drunk or high a lot, so that kind of energy was from something we were doing offstage. Now it’s not quite the case. It’s just something that I’ve gotten used to doing and it’s kind of the only way I know how to do something up there. So we’re doing a rap show, we don’t really have a guitar and keyboard and whatever, so, I mean, what are we going to do? Then we’re getting completely bored on stage, you know, standing around on a small area for 45 minutes to an hour. Like, you can imagine if whatever room you’re in right now I locked the doors and like, you just have to hang out for an hour. You know, and most people need something to do, and we don’t want to be boring and be completely wasting everybody’s time. TBS: You mentioned that you’d go on stage and be drunk or on some sort of drug. As you’ve taken this more seriously as a career, is that something that you’ve purposely toned down or are you just getting more mature? Das Racist: The way we started out, we’d sometimes do gigs for like $50 or it’d be for drink tickets. So when you’re doing a show for drink tickets, you’re obviously going to get drunk because they’re giving you drink tickets and no money. So I think being mature, maybe, I don’t know, that word kind of sounds ridiculous. It just got boring, you know what I mean? And also, if my job is to tour and I’m going to have to do five shows in a row while traveling and waking up at 6 in the morning, I can’t feasibly get fucked up every night because it wouldn’t fun anymore, it’d be impossible to wake up and not be in a terrible mood. Out Now be And it’s just boring: I’m like 26-years-old, what am I going to do, get fucked up in front of a bunch of 18, 19-year-old kids?
CD REVIEW
Ryan adams
Ashes & Fire
Lucky number 13 doesn't crash & burn At first glance, it’d be easy to take the new Ryan Adams album, Ashes & Fire, and say, “Wow, this is so boring and so slow; what happened to the Ryan Adams from Rock N Roll? And if he’s going to be slow, why can’t it be like the Ryan Adams of 29?” It’s too easy to be critical of him for when he’s not absolutely perfect, because he’s done such amazing music in the past. But with the death of The Cardinals bassist and the subsequent disbandment of the band, it’s no wonder his latest album has been quoted as, “a study in musical minimalism.” Translation: less is more, and Adams shows us that perfectly. After all, this is Ryan Adams thirteenth studio album, so it’s not like this 30-something doesn’t know what he’s doing. Even the title of the album is something interesting to ponder, preferably stoned and with other Ryan Adams’ enthusiasts; don’t ashes normally come after a fire? What does the reverse symbolize? Someone, discuss with me! But no matter what the title signifies, I personally think that Adams no longer making music with The Cardinals is a blessing in disguise. By himself, Adams is much more in control of the music and The Cardinals added a bit too much of that southern honky-tonk that I just can’t fucking stand. While this album is definitely very slow, very soft and very emotional, it’s great music. Sure, it’s not something you’d want
UPCOMING RELEASES
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to listen to everyday, but would you want to watch The Shawshank Redemption everyday? No, but you can’t deny that it’s a great movie. This album holds its own with the music, but it’s the lyrics and themes that really take this album to a new level. The album starts off slower than the rest, and it starts to pick up midway through with “Chains of Love,” which alludes to a positive feeling of being tied to love, an awesome metaphor that show that being attached at the hip with someone you love isn’t such a bad thing. In the song “Lucky Now,” Adams sings about growing up and forgetting his past (aw, old people), but apparently still feeling lucky and okay about it; “I don’t remember / were we wild and young / all that faded into memory.” The next song, “I Love You But I Don’t Know What to Say,” ends the album on a really soft, really honest note that you can’t help but appreciate. While Ryan Adams has taken many steps away from the upbeat, high energy rock and roll of his past, he shows us that growing up isn’t so bad. He’s just using his indoor voice more often, with fewer heavy guitar solos. But what did we learn today? That’s right, less is more. Now, shhh. Sounds Like: Sappy, sappy, sappy, but wonderful. Download: Chains of Love, Invisible Riverside, Lucky Now Listen to it When: You’re making out in the rain.
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Noel Gallagher: High Flying Birds Chris Isaak: Beyond the Sun Jane's Addiction: The Great Escape Artist M83: Hurry Up, We're Dreaming
Puscifer: Conditions Of My Parole Drake: Take Care Michael Buble: Christmas Toby Keith: Clancy's Tavern
TBS: You guys get a lot of critical acclaim, from MTV, Spin, Rolling Stone, etc. Do you guys consider that at all when you’re making musical decisions? Das Racist: It is appreciated, but, you know, it’s not like “Whoa! This staff writer at Spin likes something we made!” it’s more like “Whoa, a lot of people buy Spin at the airport who have never heard of us,” you know? I mean, it’s always nice to hear nice things, whatever, but it’s not like we’re so “Oh, we’re going do what we’re going to do regardless!” Like, what else am I going to read, something about some other guy? I’d rather read about myself. Yeah, I definitely keep up and shit, but it’s not that big of a deal. TBS: So you guys have Relax, your new album that just came out. How does a group like you guys go about constructing a song? Das Racist: Well, I mean, we’ll first kind of write in the studio, sometimes someone will have some verses or parts of verses worked out and they’ll bring those in. It’s not a completely collaborative process. If you’re listening to it, the two guys don’t even sound very much alike, they don’t rap very similarly. So, it’s collaborative in that they usually record in the same studio and they record together a lot of the time, but other than that it’s not like coming in together with two notepads on their lap and a guy playing a beat and they’re listening to the beat… but that actually does happen a little bit. (laughs) I think it’s kind of two different processes going on at the same time, rather than like peeking over another person’s shoulder and see what they’re doing. TBS: What would be on your perfect sandwich? Das Racist: I don’t even like sandwiches that much. Bacon, avocado, cheese, tomato? On some sourdough bread. TBS: You guys have an album called Combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell. If you could combine any two fast food franchises, which would you choose? Das Racist: Maybe fuckin’ Panera Bread and Chipotle. Or In-N-Out Burger and Quiznos. TBS: Drink of choice? Das Racist: Water, and champagne.
brendan and jess wrote this
( class time )
Madlib: Worst Class Ever! 1) Class you are in. 2) Day of the week 3) Random daydream 4) Your name 5) Something hard to explain 6) Something specific to #5 7) Reason why you cut class 8) Unit of time 9) Person in class you like 10) That person’s gender 11) What you wanted to do to them 12) Something gross 13) Your best friend 14) Stupid question 15) Made-up sexual act 16) Stupid thing to buy 17) Article of clothing
So there you are, sitting in ___1___ just like any other ___2___. You’re spacing out, dreaming of a ___3___ when all of a sudden the classroom falls silent. Everyone turns to look at you. The professor speaks up, “___4___ I asked you to explain ___5___, can you explain why ___6___?” And this is when it hits you, skipping last week’s lecture to ___7___ was a huge mistake. ___8___ later and you’re still silent. Now ___9___, the ___10___ you were hoping to ___11___ looks at you like you’re ___12___. All you can stammer out is, “I don’t know.” It gets worse, though. Now that you’ve proved your idiocy ___13___, your best friend, piles on. “Hey dude, ___14___? What’s the ___15___? How much does a ___16___ cost?” Everyone’s laughing at you, and you even wore ___17___ to class today.
Meet The Staff! Managing Editor Stephanie Wight
campus director Brendan Bonham
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Candy Bars!
the crossword
Candybars
1
2
3
4 5 6
7
8
9
10 11 12
13
14 15
16
17 18
19
20 21 24
DOWN 1 3 4 6 7 10
11 13 14 16 17 18 20 21 23 25
C H A R L E S T O
12 15 19 22 24 26 27
South Carolina capital Candy pieces in a bar. Slippery digits Jelly's sandwich companion plus drink container. Trio team Famous Yankee Nectar of bee. Oompa Loompa Galaxy He's good to the Mrs Almost Tony Soprano's wife.
Every other friday Bball term Peaceful bird Friend's star Joey's favorite Synonym of heaps
chew it Made up word Actor Ledger Two for me Chatters, whispers, laughs Wealthy candybar Give me a break When you feel like a nut Famous New York street This heirress was on Seinfeld Overheard at studios
Candybars
2 5 8 9
28 29 30 31 32
There’s Always Somethinggat Kate’s! Happenin
Orchestra Located in Penn Snap, ______, pop Minty cake Superman's day-to-day name. The sound you make when you
NDIKE KATE’S! TUESDAY NIGHTS AT KL-O close m $5 Domestic Light Pitchers 4p Shots | 9pm - close $3 Captain Drinks & Fireball
DS 10PM - CLOSE N BA E V LI E! V LI T H IG N Y THURSDA 4pm - close $5 Domestic Light Pitchers ng Islands | 9pm - close Lo $3 & ts af Dr ht Lig c sti $1 Dome
AY FUNKY FRESH FL ASHBACKESFRFRID OM 10PM - CLOSE RIT ALL YOUR OLD SCHOOL FAVO s |9pm- close $3 Vodka Drinks & Shot Special
SATURDAY - HUGH’S HIT LISTST!
P HI COUNTDOWN OF ALL THE TO s | 9pm - close $3 Vodka Drinks & Shot Special
158 E. Main St. | Newark, DE | 302.737.6100 | klondikekates.com
Solution:
ACROSS
S K Y R M A P C H K O P E A N L Y
www.CrosswordWeaver.com
C L A R K B B A R
31 32
B
30
N C H E W E R S H E Y B W A A B Y R U T H C K H I A T M L K Y W A Y A C T A L R M E L L O I A K T
Cheater!
W O N H H E N R Y
R O N E
29
F M I F T H C A V R E N U L E
27 28
A Z I N G P B U T T E R F I N G E R P U T B U T T E R C U P P R E M U S K E T E E R S N W M S C I I N H X N I Y A T C L P K M A E O T R N T T S G O O D B A R I J K E A Y O E Y F A S T B I V E T O B
26
S
25
R
23
( class time )
DOWN 1 Orchestra 3 Located in Penn 4 Snap, ______, pop 6 Minty cake 7 Superman’s day-to-day name 10 The sound you make when you chew it 11 Made up word 13 Actor Ledger 14 Two for me 16 Chatters, whispers, laughs 17 Wealthy candybar 18 Give me a break 20 When you feel like a nut 21 F amous New York street 23 T his heiress was on Seinfeld 25 Overheard at studios T H R E E E A O T N T O H O N E B H A B A R U R N D M R E P A Y D G R D O V E B A N M O U N D
22
ACROSS 2 South Carolina capital 5 Candy pieces in a bar 8 Slippery digits 9 Jelly’s sandwich companion plus drink container 12 Trio team 15 Famous Yankee 19 Nectar of bee 22 Oompa Loompa 24 Galaxy 26 He’s good to the Mrs. 27 Almost Tony Soprano’s wife 28 Every other friday 29 B-Ball term 30 Peaceful bird 31 Friend’s star Joey’s favorite 32 Synonym of heaps