Volume 1, Issue 3 | 10/13/11 - 11/03/11 | theblacksheeponline.com
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Black Sheep
“A College Newspaper That’s Actually About College”
Trick or Treat Guide to a Sexy Halloween stephanie wight wrote this Oh, Halloween, how you’ve changed from an innocent childhood memory to a skanky adult fantasy. You’re really quite a convenient holiday- all about candy and awesome Power Rangers costumes when we were little and then you transform into an age-appropriate celebration: parties and sex. However, just as there are tricks and treats in the kid version of Halloween (pretzels instead of candy?!?) we encounter a few in the (ahem) more mature world of Halloween. Here are a few to keep in mind this year:
Treat: The Altoid trick really does work. Exception to the rule: some forms of candy can act as accessories to your sex life. If you and Sexy Firefighter want to take things up a notch, candy-involved sexual favors may do the trick. Along with the usual suspects- whipped cream and chocolate syrup- you could try a little candy taste testing off of your bodies. Blindfold included. Am I getting a little too Cosmo here? I’ll leave the rest for your imagination.
At The Party: Trick: You decided to celebrate a couple days early and are the only one dressed as a Skanky Cop. It’s the Thursday before Halloween and you’ve spent weeks putting together the sexiest costumes. Why wouldn’t you take advantage of a rager during Halloween week to show off your stuff? Seems logical, but you have to be extra careful of the party’s intention. If the Facebook event says costumes are necessary, you’re good to go. But nothing’s worse than looking like the asshole who got too excited to show off their hawt bod a couple days too early.
Yes, The Costume: Trick: Because you ordered your sexy nurse costume in extra small and you forgot the underwear, everyone saw your vagina. As long as you’re flaunting your assets, and not completely disregarding public decency (sorry Chunky, but Little Mermaid’s not really your style), then this night is a time to show off your naughty side. But please keep your lady parts well concealed. If you have to ask every girl in your sorority if something is too slutty, it probably shouldn’t be worn out of the house. Really, which girl is going to answer truthfully anyway; “No I totally can’t see your butt cheeks. Just don’t bend over at all and you’ll be fine.” Uh I’m pretty sure you will be bent, hands to the floor, the whole party so good luck with that.
Treat: Sexy Firefighter meets Skanky Cop and you get down and dirty on the dance floor. On Halloween drawing in some extra attention with your costume is always a bonus. Plus everyone seems more in the mood to get frisky. In my opinion, every party should be themed (all year round), because it makes people so much more interesting. I’m not one to approach randos, but if you’re a guy wearing a grandma costume, with fake saggy tits and all, I may ask to snap a photo. Then there are the awkward people who put a lot of effort into their costume, but no one knows what the hell they are. I’ll probably approach this odd character as well, and then feel dumb for not knowing whatever historical figure they are trying to impersonate. Oh, The Candy: Trick: The 30 Reese’s you ate made you vomit during sex. Halloween candy isn’t the best addition to your sex life, especially if you’re a chocolate addict and this holiday is your excuse to relapse each year. It’s about that time of the semester when we decide to bag the summer diet and let loose for the winter. It’s too chilly to walk to the gym, and hot cocoa begins to remerge into our daily lives. However, your sex life doesn’t go into hibernation mode for the winter, so just because you wear long sleeves to class, doesn’t mean you won’t be seen topless behind closed doors. As a general rule of thumb- vomiting due to any form of consumption is strictly appropriate for freshmen only, so take it slow on the Twix.
Other stuff
Inside
05: A Real Tour of UD
What you’d learn if your backwardwalking tour guide was honest.
Treat: Your fake handcuffs really came in handy. More useful accessories! Interactive costumes are where it’s at. My roommate was a Twister board one year (wore the board as a mini dress and carried the spinner as a purse). The amount of guys who touched her boobs that night (“It’s loud in here, I thought you said left hand blue!”) was ridiculous. Other accessories can be dangerous: last year my boyfriend was a “carpenter” and he got in a little tussle with a frat guy at a Halloween party. When the bro tried to fight him, all he had to do was whip out his hammer and the argument was settled. However, if it had been later in the night and the two men had been in a less coherent state, shit may have gotten ugly. As you can see, Halloween celebrations in college must be very calculated. Over drinking is a given, but you want to manage your skankiness, candy indulgence and props with a little bit of dignity. There is a very fine line between the treats of meeting Dr. Do Me and wowing him with your Miss Behavin’ costume, and the tricks of a Janet Jackson mishap while you’re on stage at Kate’s.
05: top 10
Predications for overdone Halloween costumes.
13: we interview das racist a hip-hop trio who are, in fact, not racists.