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Volume 1, Issue 4 | 11/03/11 - 11/30/11 | theblacksheeponline.com
The
Black Sheep
“A College Newspaper That’s Actually About College”
thanksgiving survival guide Brittany Barkes wrote this All you hungry college kids out there have probably been dreaming about Thanksgiving break since you first arrived at school. Sure, the dining hall may serve up a pretty delicious meal every other month, but imagine five days of pleasant sleep, all-you-can-eat meals and nonstop relaxation. Hate to break it to you, but it’s not quite the dream you expected. Thanksgiving is merely a holiday made to test you in front of your close friends and family. But I will not let you fail. So if you’re thankful for one thing this year, I hope it’s the fact that you have this handy survival guide to get you through the holiday. Scenario: Your mom traps you to ask about your “relationships.” If your mom is anything like mine, she will wait until the perfect time to grill you about your love life. 90% of the time this occurs in a car, where you cannot escape without causing yourself physical harm, or the grocery store where you are too overwhelmed by people throwing 20-pound turkeys and cranberry sauce in every direction to attempt to make a getaway. My best advice to keeping this conversation short is to convince your parents that every person you talk about is your “boyfriend” or “girlfriend.” I like to toss around names like Daniel, Kyle or Ethan and tag the word “boyfriend” somewhere in the sentence. So what if your parents think you have a serious commitment problem? At least they don’t actually know the truth about your life, and they can continue to question why they brought you into this world when you are destined to stay single for life. Plus, if you really do have a significant other, the parents will be too confused by the amount of names thrown around that they will never even get to the part where they question you about “new age” activities that they don’t understand (i.e. hooking up, sexting). Scenario: You reunite with high school friends at the bars Your homecoming means one thing—indulging in every kind of drink possible with the old crew. It’s the perfect time to find out if those Ivy Leaguers know how to keep up and if those kids
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“taking a few years off” found themselves (in the bottom of a bottle of whiskey). Then again, there is the chance you might sadly come to the conclusion that you are, in fact, an alcoholic. Instead of making yourself look bad, pick a target, preferably the valedictorian who only drinks wine with dinner. For the rest of the night you must feed this person drinks. Mr. Smartypants will eventually succumb to peer pressure because you will start talking about “MCATs, “GREs,” and “LSATs,” and they will soon drown away their sorrows with apple pie shots galore. Scenario: Last night’s partying becomes the worst Thanksgiving hangover of all time. Waking up in your humble home will be a rude awakening. First of all, you didn’t even set an alarm clock, but your mom starts vacuuming for guests so early that you cannot avoid rolling out of bed. Normally running errands the morning of Thanksgiving is the worst; however, I highly recommend it. Take the car and disappear for as long as possible, even if it means driving down the street and napping in your car. Then when your parents call to ask why you are taking way too long, just explain that there are too many people out shopping. Hopefully this results in your parents feeling guilty that they didn’t shop ahead of time. Scenario: Your hangover seems to follow you to the dinner table. If you have grandparents, then you probably eat Thanksgiving dinner at 3 p.m., in which case you still may be burping up some sort of whiskey/vodka/tequila combo. Fill your plate completely otherwise your family may start questioning you. You might be considered an adult at this point, but you need to hold onto your youth while you can, so take some time to sit at the “kids table.” Pretty soon the combination of cousins will emit turkey-fueled hyperactivity, and they will disappear to another location to wreak havoc. Scenario: The brats don’t know how to use an “inside voice.” If your plan to keep the kids away backfires, you need to
05: #CollegeKidProblems And your parents think they had it tougher than you do..
take action. If there’s a basement, I recommended playing follow-the-leader until they all follow you downstairs. At this point, you must quickly set up a makeshift pong table with any materials you can find. Because you are responsible, you will teach the kids how to play some form of water pong, and soon they’ll be sinking shots left and right. The adults will be so happy about the sudden quiet that they won’t even question the whereabouts of Tommy the toddler and Patricia the preteen whose vocabulary mainly consists of “OMG,” “like,like,” and “Bieber.” Your aunt will even slip you money for babysitting, and then you can make it exit to find a napping spot (preferably a walk-in closet). Scenario: Black Friday—welcome to hell. Black Friday is a dangerous day to leave the house. Do not operate a vehicle because you are a traffic magnet and will inevitably become part of an accident. The culprit—an exhausted mom, hopped up on the caffeine equivalent of eight shots of adrenaline, who skipped Thanksgiving dinner to wait in a line and by her son a Tickle-Me-Xbox with a built-in 16 megapixel camera. However, if you’re insane (guilty), you will venture to stores at 4 a.m. to shop until you drop (literally). Your lack of sleep will simply make you feel that all too familiar Thirsty Thursday borderline drunk/ hungover feeling. Head straight to Starbucks, then scope out the deals, but do not go into stores that look intimidating. Find yourself one of those Brookstone or Sharper Image stores and plop down in a massage chair or park yourself on a bench in the center of the mall. You’ll feel like you are watching the zombie apocalypse as you watch shoppers stagger around, weighed down by free Old Navy ultra-fleece blankets and “discounted” Abercrombie clothes. Scenario: You survive all 5 days. You are lucky to have made it this far. Now the only way you will survive the return to school/Thanksgiving hangover is if you bring plenty of leftover food to last you until winter break.
09: Cops are Friends, Not Fuzz
Seriously, if you ask them real nice-like, they’ll hold your popsicle.
13: we interview cut copy
if you don't know this awesome aussie group, you should be banished...