Volume 1, Issue 2 | 9/15/11 - 10/06/11 | WWW.THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
The
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Black Sheep
“A College Newspaper That’s Actually About College”
Flordia State Zombie Apocalypse Safety Protocol Megan Fontaine wrote this
You wake up one early fall afternoon and something isn’t right. It’s too quiet. Where are the belligerent fray daddies and the gaggles of giggling girls? All you hear are low moans-- and you’re pretty sure that your roommate isn’t having sex-- she hasn’t in a while. You peel back the blinds and-- oh god-- zombies! They want to feast on your flesh, but you have have plans. What do you do? What do you do? Phase One: Threat Identification Before you run screaming for the nearest building, take a moment to determine what kind of zombies have invaded your campus. Are they the traditional Romero-style mindless shufflers? Do you hear a Boomer rumbling around the corner? If you’re lucky you’ll find yourself in a part of campus populated only by easily-defeated shambling hunks of necrotic flesh. If you’re unlucky you’ll be mobbed by quasi-intelligent screeching horrors the first time you sneeze. Plan accordingly. Phase Two: Gather Supplies Let the looting commence! Since the civilized world is being destroyed by decomposing harbingers of doom, there’s no shame in taking what you need to fend off the inevitable. Suwannee and Fresh have plenty of food, the maintenance buildings have transportation (golf carts) and weapons (gardening tools) aplenty, and the bookstore has enough clothing to outfit an army of Seminole Survivors (because catchy team names are great for morale). And don’t forget Thagard’s endless supply of antibiotics! For the resourceful survivor FSU has everything you could possibly need to stay alive until the military comes to rescue you. Unless the virus attacked them first, in which case you’re completely boned. But let’s not think about that. Nobody likes a party pooper. Phase Three: Choose your Hideout This is by far the most important choice you’ll make in your quest to avoid zombification. Once you’ve loaded your gear onto your golf carts you’ll need to find someplace to hunker down
Other stuff
Inside
04: Walk of Shame Hall of Fame Tales of nights gone good, but mornings gone awry.
until help arrives. The obvious choice would be something near the center of campus, but that’s the last place you’ll want to be. Though they’re all full of really useful stuff, too many of them have ground-level glass doors that could very easily be smashed open to admit the horde. (I’m looking at you, Thagard. Y u no plan for this?!) You’ll also want to stay away from most of the older buildings, like the nursing school: you’ll be trapped in their windowless rat-maze hallways with no way out. My suggestion? Head for a science building, preferably King. They have decent interior layouts, handy-dandy gas burners for when the power goes out, and plenty of hapless bio-chem and medical students that you can club over the head and take captive. Then when they finally come up with the cure you can patent it, mass-produce it, and charge people oodles of money to transform their undead family and friends back into the living, breathing assholes they were before. Phase Four: Try Not to Die I know this sounds self-explanatory, but obviously there are people out there who don’t quite understand how this works. There wouldn’t be an undead plague sweeping the country otherwise. The key here is to play to your strengths. If someone in your group doesn’t know how to shoot a gun, now is not the time to teach them. That would be a waste of ammunition. Instead, arm them with a melee weapon and use them as a meat shield. In fact, use anyone with an IQ lower than yours as cannon fodder. They won’t be worth keeping around when the world is restored anyway. And don’t try to light the zombies on fire. It won’t kill them, it will just turn them into flesh-eating monsters that are on fire. Should the unthinkable happen and the zombies breach your fortress, go down fighting. Dole out as much damage as you can before you’re bitten, then kill yourself. That’s right: the most important thing to do if you’re backed into a corner is to die. Otherwise you’ll wind up adding to the threat, making it that much harder for everyone else. Don’t be That Guy. Do the right thing.
05: Homeless People
Harmless, or destroyers of the world?
06: Creepy Exes Getting a hair doll in the mail kind of kills the mood.