Volume 1, Issue 2 | 9/15/11 - 10/06/11 | WWW.THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
The
F th ree.. ere .lik on e th th at e t dr abl ink e... rig gra ht b it !
Black Sheep
“A College Newspaper That’s Actually About College”
Flordia State Zombie Apocalypse Safety Protocol Megan Fontaine wrote this
You wake up one early fall afternoon and something isn’t right. It’s too quiet. Where are the belligerent fray daddies and the gaggles of giggling girls? All you hear are low moans-- and you’re pretty sure that your roommate isn’t having sex-- she hasn’t in a while. You peel back the blinds and-- oh god-- zombies! They want to feast on your flesh, but you have have plans. What do you do? What do you do? Phase One: Threat Identification Before you run screaming for the nearest building, take a moment to determine what kind of zombies have invaded your campus. Are they the traditional Romero-style mindless shufflers? Do you hear a Boomer rumbling around the corner? If you’re lucky you’ll find yourself in a part of campus populated only by easily-defeated shambling hunks of necrotic flesh. If you’re unlucky you’ll be mobbed by quasi-intelligent screeching horrors the first time you sneeze. Plan accordingly. Phase Two: Gather Supplies Let the looting commence! Since the civilized world is being destroyed by decomposing harbingers of doom, there’s no shame in taking what you need to fend off the inevitable. Suwannee and Fresh have plenty of food, the maintenance buildings have transportation (golf carts) and weapons (gardening tools) aplenty, and the bookstore has enough clothing to outfit an army of Seminole Survivors (because catchy team names are great for morale). And don’t forget Thagard’s endless supply of antibiotics! For the resourceful survivor FSU has everything you could possibly need to stay alive until the military comes to rescue you. Unless the virus attacked them first, in which case you’re completely boned. But let’s not think about that. Nobody likes a party pooper. Phase Three: Choose your Hideout This is by far the most important choice you’ll make in your quest to avoid zombification. Once you’ve loaded your gear onto your golf carts you’ll need to find someplace to hunker down
Other stuff
Inside
04: Walk of Shame Hall of Fame Tales of nights gone good, but mornings gone awry.
until help arrives. The obvious choice would be something near the center of campus, but that’s the last place you’ll want to be. Though they’re all full of really useful stuff, too many of them have ground-level glass doors that could very easily be smashed open to admit the horde. (I’m looking at you, Thagard. Y u no plan for this?!) You’ll also want to stay away from most of the older buildings, like the nursing school: you’ll be trapped in their windowless rat-maze hallways with no way out. My suggestion? Head for a science building, preferably King. They have decent interior layouts, handy-dandy gas burners for when the power goes out, and plenty of hapless bio-chem and medical students that you can club over the head and take captive. Then when they finally come up with the cure you can patent it, mass-produce it, and charge people oodles of money to transform their undead family and friends back into the living, breathing assholes they were before. Phase Four: Try Not to Die I know this sounds self-explanatory, but obviously there are people out there who don’t quite understand how this works. There wouldn’t be an undead plague sweeping the country otherwise. The key here is to play to your strengths. If someone in your group doesn’t know how to shoot a gun, now is not the time to teach them. That would be a waste of ammunition. Instead, arm them with a melee weapon and use them as a meat shield. In fact, use anyone with an IQ lower than yours as cannon fodder. They won’t be worth keeping around when the world is restored anyway. And don’t try to light the zombies on fire. It won’t kill them, it will just turn them into flesh-eating monsters that are on fire. Should the unthinkable happen and the zombies breach your fortress, go down fighting. Dole out as much damage as you can before you’re bitten, then kill yourself. That’s right: the most important thing to do if you’re backed into a corner is to die. Otherwise you’ll wind up adding to the threat, making it that much harder for everyone else. Don’t be That Guy. Do the right thing.
05: Homeless People
Harmless, or destroyers of the world?
06: Creepy Exes Getting a hair doll in the mail kind of kills the mood.
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03
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Page 07
Page 19
Back of the Class
Party Pics + Shoutouts Or why college is just like Did you make the cut? high school with less parents. Find out...
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04
From 'da Streets
the walk of shame hall of fame inductees
“Would you give up having sex if it guaranteed that you’d lose weight?”
Samantha Malone wrote this No. Sex is kind of like exercise, right? So if you do it enough you could probably lose weight?
Everyone has heard about it, most of us have done it, and we all like to talk about it. Sometimes it’s long, hard and sweaty. Sometimes it’s short and anticlimactic. It’s a part of the college experience, and some get to do it more than others. I’m talking, of course, about the walk of shame. These pathetic parades are a hallmark of weekend mornings, and can be seen in almost all corners of Tallahassee. So get your slow claps ready, folks! Here are some of the first inductees into the Walk of Shame Hall of Fame. Hungover at 10,000 feet It was the morning after her best guy friend’s birthday their freshman year. They’d been making passes at each other all summer, but hadn’t actually done the deed until that night. It was awkward telling her friends to go home without her, but boy was it worth it! She had a really early flight the next morning to go visit her grandparents so she figured she’d just stay up all night-with his help, of course. Naturally, she wound up falling asleep. Five o’clock the next morning was a bitch of a time, but she dragged herself out of his bed and trudged back to her dorm in the rain. Being the optimist that she is, she thought this was where her shame would end. She was wrong. A word to the wise here: don’t fly hung-over. Especially not out of Tallahassee Regional. And if you do find yourself catching a flight post-party, for God’s sake do NOT eat the food there. About halfway through her flight the shitty stale bagel she bought in the terminal decided to come say hello. Her mind immediately went into pre-vomit calculus mode, trying to figure out exactly how and where she’d be expelling her stomach contents. Would there be any run-off? Would it ricochet onto her neighbor? Neither was a particularly exciting prospect, so she headed for the toilet. About halfway down the aisle the flight attendant politely informed her that the toilet on the plane was broken. Did she absolutely have to use it? Hell yes she did. But after seeing the look she gave her along with the bottle of water she’d need to flush away her puke she almost wished she’d blown chunks all over her. When they landed in Charlotte she met up with her mom and little sister to catch her connection to Boston. Her sister took one look at her, laughed, and said “nice hickey.” She spent the next 24 hours nursing her embarrassment, her hangover, and hoping that no one back home would find out.
and starts yelling for her husband--and he was not about to stick around for that. He grabbed his phone and the closest piece of his clothing he could find and literally climbed out of this girl’s window. Pretty typical of his luck, he had only managed to grab his t-shirt. Pantsless and thoroughly embarrassed he threw it on and called one of his frat brothers to come get him. His “brother” took the opportunity to load up a whole truckload of the boys to see the show. They even made him ride in the bed of the truck with the pledges on the way back. Now he gets to see that picture of himself standing in the middle of the road butt ass naked except for he V-neck every time he walk into the chapter house. Disappointed and Demoralized A few weeks after the start of her freshman year she finally got a taste of what her life in college was going to be like. She had physics class with this guy and after a few drunken friction jokes one Thursday night she went back to Ragans with him. His roommate was gone for the weekend, so they hooked up, complete with whiskey dick and awkward fumbling. Classic, right? At 6 AM his alarm starts blaring. It sounded like an air raid siren and she thought for a second they were being bombed. After five minutes of constant noise, she figured out why he had the damn thing set so loud: he sleeps like a rock. With the chances of him waking up growing slimmer by the minute, she decided to sketch off. Luckily for her, campus was pretty empty that early in the morning. She started walking towards her dorm in her dress from the night before, bra and purse in one hand and shoes in the other. She was too busy trying to figure out how to avoid him in class on Monday to pay much attention to where she was going. After about 15 minutes of walking she realized that not only had she been walking the wrong way that entire time, but she was near Fresh Foods--about as far from her building as she could possibly get without going off campus. Activity on campus was starting to pick up, and people were giving her knowing smirks as she backtracked toward Brian Hall. By the time she got back to her dorm it was 8 AM, she was freezing cold, and every person heading to their first class caught a glimpse of her. All for a disappointing night of debauchery.
"...this lady was looking rough and pissed. She started screaming at him to get off of her daughter and out of her house. No wonder the girl didn’t tell him she still lived with her family.”
Cool Story, Bro! Tell it Again! He was a one-night-stand kind of guy, and is not ashamed to admit it. The Strip is his haunt of choice, and on this particular evening he thought he’d bagged a winner. They were in her room hooking up; he guessed it was around 3 AM. All of a sudden, the door opens and he’s face to face with her mom. And not the good kind of mom where he might be able to get her to join in, either; this lady was looking rough and pissed. She started screaming at him to get off of her daughter and out of her house. No wonder the girl didn’t tell him she still lived with her family. So he’s clawing about for his clothes, trying to keep his wilting manhood covered while she sits there sobbing and begging her mother not to call the cops. Then Mother Dearest decides to block him in
Jessi W. Sure, but only for a month, tops. A girl’s got needs too...
Marcia C. Do I look like I need to lose weight? Then why would I need to give anything up?
So next time you guys are walking with your head hanging and your shoes in hand, just remember these stories and try to feel a little better about yourself. And if that doesn’t work shoot us an email with your story and maybe you’ll make it into the Hall of Fame of Walks of Shame.
Got a great Walk of Shame Tale? Let us know: shame@theblacksheeponline.com
Priscilla B.
05
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HOMELESS PEOPLE: HARMLESS OR DESTROYERS OF THE WORLD? Chris Agri wrote this
One day while at work I was approached by a homeless man who asked me for some money. As if sensing what was happening from inside, my manager ran out of the store with a broom and smacked the money out of my hand. He started shaking the broom wildly while screaming incoherently as loud as he could. The homeless man was visibly startled and scampered off into the night, too afraid to come back. When my manager was done yelling I asked what the hell that was all about. “Homeless people are like bears,” he replied. “If you feed them, they’re just going to keep coming back and
they’ll bring their homeless bear friends. You don’t feed the bears.” He was completely serious. I didn’t think too much about it though. I figured his family was probably viciously mauled by homeless people (or bears?) and he still held a grudge about it. Later that I night as I ventured out in search for food I had to dodge the outstretched dirty hands of six separate beggars. Still, I didn’t see the problem. They were just homeless people. Living in Tallahassee I had become so accustomed to them I was barely even phased by their presence as long as I could stay upwind of them. It wasn’t until a few weeks later that I realized there was a serious problem. I was leaving a bar and a scruffy stranger asked if he could bum a few bucks to “get that pussy.” That’s when it finally clicked. They’re breeding. They need to be stopped. I dream of a world free of the dirty scavengers begging for our hard earned quarters and dimes. Obviously, I’m not suggesting genocide—systematic, wholesale murder is unfashionable these days. I say we instead round them up and put them in reservations, like the endangered animals they are. We could locate them in a simulated back alley or a gutted grocery store recently run out of business by Wal-mart to recreate their natural habitats. At least that way they would feel at home and not feel the
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need to venture off into our civilized world. If they wish to escape these “homeless shelters” and reintegrate into the real world they will get the chance to do so, slowly. I can think of plenty of jobs that hard working Americans will happily pass up, even in these hard times. Homeless people, arguably our smelliest minority (next to Icelandics), will be our trash pickers, our toilet scrubbers and our sewage shifters. Why should we get out our hands dirty when theirs are already filthy? Homeless people are not a necessary evil like mosquitoes or The Jersey Shore; they don’t help maintain the delicate balance of the food chain or keep ‘roided up frat boys and the hoes they pass around confined in their homes at least once a week. They serve no real purpose with the exception of maybe boosting the self-esteem of even the lowliest of peons who actually have jobs, no matter how shitty those might actually be. If they can’t force themselves to bring anything useful to the table of society then they don’t deserve the right to beg for our scraps. I’m saying this on behalf of a better tomorrow. We need to start working to solve the homeless problem before it’s too late. The first step starts with you. If someone asks you for change, just say no.
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06
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Creepy Exes: The Icing on the Poop Cake Ashley Romano wrote this Creepy exes suck. I mean, all exes suck, but some leave you wondering if hallucinogens were a major contributing factor to your relationship. There are a select few that at least leave you with a good story. and mine is named Adam. Adam showed me how quickly a guy could go from a confident, outspoken poet to a holier-than-thou half-ton hipster nightmare. I met Adam in a fiction class. He was a self-absorbed prick who couldn’t keep his mouth shut and looked like a cuddly lumberjack teddybear: everything I love in a guy. (Looking back he was more like a ball of dough wrapped in plaid flannel.) He complimented my clothes, then swore up and down, despite his skinny jeans, that he wasn’t gay. He even told me when girls in our class were “stealing my style.” I felt myself getting the vapors. Our first date was a trip to Byrd’s Oyster Shack. In accordance with tradition, we promptly sacrificed ourselves to the karaoke gods. For his first pick Adam tried to duet “I Got You Babe” with me. I told him he was too forward with that song, so he (not we) decided on Nelly’s “Ride Wit Me.” He killed it and I barely got a line in. When it was over, he looked at me and said, “Well, I wasn’t going to take you somewhere where I couldn’t impress you.” And he did. I was smitten for a couple of months with this kid. But his cocky, arrogant appeal started to wear thin. Then he started talking shit. “Hey Ashley, The Little Women called, they want their boots back.” I was tempted to say “Hey, your gut called, it wanted to know how long it’s been since you’ve seen your penis.” Sorry I don’t wear Toms and buy organic pork rinds at New Leaf; I can only hope I’ll be as hip as you one day. Finally, we broke up. This break-up is what I’ve coined “The Adam”. When someone pulls a Adam they come over and sit you down on your couch and tell you things aren’t going to work out. The key to The Adam is that you aren’t really dating to begin with, so the break-up completely shocks you. (Labels were too mainstream for him.) Then they
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bombard you with stereotypical things like “I really like you” and “you’re going to find someone who is going to deserves you and really makes you happy.” I found out why I was Adam’d shortly thereafter. Another girl brought him an ice cream cake the next day in class to celebrate his acceptance into some mediocre grad program in Arkansas. Seriously, he broke up with me because he got cake. Fatass. Nothing would have made me happier than to smash Publix Cookies and Cream all over his pudgy face, with the entire Williams sky box as my witness. So that brings us to now. I don’t think about Adam, minus the few drunk texts I send out, but it’s a different story for him. For two weeks straight he texted me asking to see me before he left for Arkansas. He went so far as to show up at my apartment’s hot tub every night for a week to try to convince me to go home with him. I guess cake girl’s desperation really rubbed off on him. And how many times did I see him during those two weeks? Not one. And it felt awesome. So yeah, exes suck. Creepy exes suck worse. And no matter how much time passes, it still sucks being dumped for frosting. Here’s to hoping Adam loses some weight so he can finally see his dick again. I’m sure it’s been lonely.
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Back of the Class
07
William Prater wrote this Walking around campus the first few days of my senior year I can’t help but feel I’ve been around the block more than a few times with this whole “college” thing. I know where all of my classes are before I go to them, I don’t care what I look like— I’m over it, really. I’m just ready to graduate and go traveling. But it’s hard not to notice those students: the ones who are still enraptured by the idea of college they’ve been fed by television and Hollywood. They obsess over their appearance in the hopes of getting that warm and fuzzy feeling of social superiority. This is especially true of freshmen, but offenders can be found at all levels. Let’s first, though, take a minute to figure out why this douchebaggery exists at all: we all want to be accepted by other people. We all want to be “cool.” But wearing a pound of makeup and a barely-there dress and those weird wizardlooking boot-shoes to class on a Tuesday morning isn’t doing anyone any good. Really, it’s not. We’re here to learn, not look at you. We know you live for Tuesday night, and Thursday night, and Friday and Saturday night because you’re just so good at getting tarted up with the girls and taking shots of Burnett’s in the bathroom. But show a little class, please. We, the rest (and majority) of the student population, are on our knees – and we hate feeling like we’re imitating you. At the end of the day there’s not much wrong with you girls, but when we’re sitting in class trying to pay attention and you’re talking about how wasted you got with the Zeta Gamma boys on Monday night I really have the urge to ask you to please
shut the fuck up. That being said, as I dragged myself to class Monday morning I came to the conclusion that FSU is just a really big high school. And it makes sense – for most of us, high school graduation is still a pretty recent memory. What’s sad is that college is a place where we’re supposed to transcend that teenage bullshit and learn to be fully-functional members of society. But walking around this campus, I can’t help but feel that I’m one of the few people who see it this way, and a lot of people are still trapped in that adolescent ‘I’m better than you’ mentality. We have our football team (which is going to kick ass this year, by the way) and their cheerleaders, Strozier-haunting nerds, skaters who ignore the ‘no boards’ rule at the union, frat guys who sit on their roofs and catcall girls walking down Copeland, hippies, you name it. And while there is admittedly some social progression towards integration through openmindedness and acceptance, our dear alma mater still gives off a distinctly segregated vibe. Maybe I’m just a cynical asshole. Maybe this is the way it is and there’s nothing I can do about it. But please, if you read this (and if you are then you’re probably not an idiot), help bring some class to this school. Because we’re here to learn and have fun while we’re doing it – and it’s really difficult to do either when there’s a bunch of roided-up douchebags talking about their body fat percentage behind me in class. I guess that’s why they say, “high school never ends…”
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Bartender of the Issue Ashlyn Duffin Tomahawk Relationship status: Very single Favorite sports team: FSU Seminoles Craziest night on the job: A huge fight outside the bar Weapon of choice: Mace (spray) Boxers or Briefs: Briefs PC or Mac: PC Craziest night out: All of them What do you like about your job: The people What do you hate about your job: Stoli Tea
drink
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drinking game:
+ Sour Mix + Sprite
random
“That’s sor random!” as Jamie from Summer Heights High might say about this here drinking game. But you’ll get wicked tipsy, and all of the Grade 11 guys will think you’re the hottest girl in public school, so you should definitely play this. What You Need: A whole bunch of random hotties, liquor, some sense of the English vocabulary. Number of Players: Three or more. Intoxication Level: Sorrrrr drunk, you don’t even know. How to Play: - The first person to start names a totally random object, like “penis.” -The next person has to say a word that is totally unrelated. For example, if they said “sweaters” they would be safe, and the next person would go. If they said “dildo” they’d have to take a shot. - The game is fast paced, so shots are taken while the next person goes, though they have to start with a brand new word. The Game Ends When: Everyone starts arguing about the intricacies of the English language and how an idea is an object if you examine it with the right philosophical eye, like how the idea of government economic control is a tangible thing. It’s going to get… drunken. And random.
The creepy people Do you leave the toilet paper roll hanging over or under: Over What is your kryptonite: Tequila What do you look for in a guy: Humor and calf muscles Favorite musical artist: Taylor Swift If you could be any animal, which would it be: Spiderpig Pet Peeve: When a guys doesn’t understand no
shot
Washington Apple + Crown Royal + Sour Apple + Cranberry
i dare you
Monkey Fart + Bacardi 151 + Mayonnaise
recipe for disaster:
Gobbledigook
There’s nothing like taking down a giant plate of sleep-inducing pasta after a long night, right? Right! We didn’t think so, so try out this recipe and enjoy. P.S. - It’s even better if you can find a giant chef’s hat to wear while cooking, we swear. What You’ll Need: Turkey, pasta, tomato sauce, spices. Cook Time: 20 minutes (Unless you have to make a turkey, in which case, order that pizza.) Fatty Factor: Eh, better than that pizza you’re about to order. Let’s Get Baked: -Begin boiling water. -Place the pasta in the water, prepare as directed on the box. -Add spices of your choice to the tomato sauce. -Microwave one cup of tomato sauce for 30 seconds to one minute. -Microwave the turkey for one minute. -Once the pasta is cooked, drain it. -Mix the turkey into the tomato sauce. -Pour the tomato sauce and turkey mix on top of the pasta.
If the first batch doesn’t get you ready for bed, then just make another! That damn tryptophan is going to kick in at some point.
the Tallahassee weight loss plan
13
chris agri wrote this
If you’re anything like me, your freshman fifteen probably feels more like the freshman fifty-seven. Ladies, are you tired of your boobs resting on your belly? Gentleman, are you tired of having boobs? It’s hard to find a decent place to eat in Tallahassee where the food isn’t soaked in sixteen gallons of grease and served with a jug of beer. It’s even harder not to pack on the pounds because of it. If you do manage to find somewhere worth eating around here that might be considered even minutely healthy then chances are it will cost you your entire (and meager) part-time paycheck just for the appetizer. But there is a solution that doesn’t involve cramming your thunder thighs into tights and running all around the city. And no, you won’t have to pay another visit to The Leach where some creeper stares at you from the stair master across the way. The Tallahassee Weight Loss Plan is an easy, simple and arguably affordable solution to your horrible eating problem. While there are a few steps that need to be taken there is only one real rule you have to follow: Drink. Not beer or wine and crackers, either. To make this diet work you need to down liquor. Forget the chaser or the mixed drinks, too; if you want to lose the flab you need to do shots, and you need to do a lot of them. You’re drinking to look more attractive to people, so people don’t need to drink to think you are attractive. Stuck in class and can’t drink? Flasks are
going to become your best friend and your enabler. If you don’t like having to booze it up at the same place all the time there are plenty of watering holes at your disposal. The strip, Bull’s, Pot’s, Downtown and more random pubs hidden throughout the city than a sorostitute can shake her tits at. You have a plethora of places to choose from to help you forget about food. If you stick to this diet as faithfully as I did, you should be able to watch the pounds just melt right off of you. And if you drink excessively and frequently enough you will probably lose your crappy part time job and, more than likely, your scholarship too. You’ll be forced to further budget that sad excuse you call your finances and have to choose between eating and drinking. If you’re smart you’ll choose eating. Bags of Ramen noodles only cost a few cents apiece, after all. But let’s face it: if you’re still considering this as a solution to your cellulite crisis you probably aren’t. And you do want to look good for that double kegger rager on Saturday, right? Sure, you may ravage your esophagus with stomach acid, but every time you throw up from too many long nights of binge drinking on an empty stomach just remember: that every chunk you blow is another step on the road to a newer, thinner you. The key to the Tallahassee Weight Loss Plan is optimism. So keep that glass as close to full as possible before you kick it back and drink it down.
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TOP TEN
Hurricane Shitstorm
Tailgating Supplies YOU GOTTA HAVE
10: Toilet Paper/ Paper Towels: Both are crucial for a tailgate, but since they aren’t the most exciting purchases we have them at number ten. You know you’ll need something to clean all of the puke, beer overflow, and burger grease off of your floor or deck. Not to mention, a low toilet paper supply will result in girls leaving your tailgate.
Harley Shine wrote this After the NCAA left a smoking crater in the middle of Los Angeles last summer the inquisition of champions picked up speed and took a violent swing east. The list of victims is a long one. USC’s Tommy Trojan has swallowed some pretty vile medicine because of them, and Reggie Bush’s testicles have found a cozy new home the NCAA’s lace purse. They then proceeded to run OSU Head Coach Jim Tressel and his star quarterback Terrell Pryor out of town (at least they kept their tattoos). Word on the street is Auburn’s Scam Newton can be next. And now kids, it’s all about The U! Nevin Shapiro’s recent testimony that he pretty much made it rain on a plurality of the Canes roster shocked absolutely no one. Between players getting bribed to play at Miami and some pretty notorious stripper fiascoes (including an abortion for one of the aforementioned strippers), UM’s team has gone pro before seeing their names on the NFL draft roster. In light of all this, the NCAA has decided to take their talents to South Beach. Due to the massive violations committed by the UM football team it is widely believed that they’ll be hit by a hurricane of NCAA sanctions. As of now several players have been ruled ineligible to start the season; there’s been talk of a scholarship reduction for future recruiting classes, a multi-season bowl game ban, conference title eligibility ban, a possible vacation of program wins, and even the dreaded “Death Penalty”. For those who don’t remember, the last time the NCAA gave out the Death Penalty was in 1987 to Southern Methodist U. Their season was canceled, and when the Mustangs returned in ‘88 they were one of the worst teams in the country—a distinction that they kept for 20 years. Their punishment was so harsh ESPN made a documentary called Pony Excess to retell the death of SMU and the rotting Ponies’ effect on the Southwestern Conference. Now fast forward to 2011: one of FSU’s greatest rivals, UM, is teetering on the edge of the Death Penalty. This could put a massive hurting on the Noles. The potential death of UM’s football program could hit FSU where it hurts: right in the wallet. Seminoles might bleed garnet and gold, but everyone’s favorite color is green. FSU and UM have been rivals for 60 years now; in fact, they had one of the most storied in-conference rivalries in college football. Their games are famous for their consistent television rating success; their 2006 confrontation was the most watched game
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9: Ibuprofen: Ibuprofen is a sleeper but definitely can’t be forgotten. After hours of partying, you will probably find that some of your guests (particularly those with a low alcohol tolerance) will develop nasty headaches from the combination of booze and undercooked Bubba Burgers. You can do them a favor by having a bottle of relief within reach. 8: Cheap Tables: If you don’t have a decent size table to play flip cup and beer pong on, then you might as well stay home and sleep in. This is something you will see all over town on game day, so don’t think that your 2x2 mini table or kitchen counter will suffice; go to Wal-Mart and make the investment for football season.
in ESPN history. Matches against UM are considered some of the most profitable of the season for Florida State. The amount of publicity and money the games allows FSU to rake in every year makes them too valuable to end. Without Sebastian-the-Dickhead Ibis to annually peck at FSU will have an ugly hole in the middle of their schedule that won’t be easy to fix. While the Seminoles are no doubt heading in a positive direction, the program would suffer with the loss of a valuable traditional rival and one of their most exciting perennial games. The absence of Miami would have greater implications in the ACC as well. No Miami would leave the ACC lopsided with an unwieldy 11 members. This would result in the loss of a conference title game which will starve the piggy bank while ushering in a scheduling nightmare. College football games are often scheduled years in advance, which would make it very difficult for the other 11 members to fill the hole missing in wake of Miami’s disappearance. The point is that as much as FSU and UM dislike one another, they need the occasional hate-fuck to keep the dough rolling in. Right as the ACC appeared to be one of the most stable conferences in the country, the Canes have decided to live up to their namesake and make a shit-storm for everyone else. As it stands now the ACC’s questionable strength and potential lack of a conference title game could strip if of its BCS automatic qualifier status, which could end up resulting in multiple schools jumping ship. And where would that leave FSU? In a conference headed toward the college football graveyard.
7: Ping Pong Balls and Plastic Cups: Both are needed for beer pong, and plastic cups are an absolute must have for your guests. Making sure you have enough is usually the issue here, and since it’s a long season, I recommend bulking up. Don’t be a cheap-ass: no one is going to wait around for you to run to Walgreens because you only bought 15 cups. 6: Slip N’ Slide: This would be number one on the list if they didn’t take up so much space and require a change of clothes for your guests. Seriously, who doesn’t love a slip n’ slide when its 106 degrees outside? If you can pull it off, do it. Good-looking girls suddenly becoming half-naked is never a bad thing. 5. Giant Tubs/Coolers: It’s hot as hell outside. As such, you need something to keep your food from going bad before you can cook it. This, as well as the giant tub/trash can for your Natty keg must be available for game day, otherwise you’ll be throwing up warm beer and salmonella in the student section. 4. Television Access: Wherever you are hosting your tailgate, whether it is at a house or under a tent; find a way to get the biggest TV possible. It’s better than squinting at your phone for scores, and it gives you something to yell at once you down that fifth shot of tequila. 3. Food: This one is a given, and by God it is important. Having something decent to grill while your buddies are pounding beers and screaming at the referees is essential to the tailgating tradition here at FSU. A bulk pack of hot dogs and burgers should do just fine for your tailgate; sweaty drunks aren’t going to complain about free food. If they do, they probably shouldn’t be there. 2. A Grill: Along with food, you need a quality product to make it edible. I’ve found from personal experience that a gas grill is better for game days. It might not provide the distinct taste of a charcoal grill, but when you’re 8 beers deep and trying to cook a piece of chicken, it is easier and safer to use a gas grill. 1. The Keg: Ah yes, kegs are definitely the best way to have a good time on game day. This is the fuel to the party, and the most efficient way to provide beer to a large quantity of people. Here in Tallahassee, you can get a keg of beer for around 50 bucks, and it’s not paying for friends if everyone ends up giving you $5, right?
SHOUT OUTS!
SEND IN YOUR BEST SHOUT OUT TO SHOUT@theblacksheeponline.com, upload them online or send them from your phone!
SHOUT OUT TO MALLORY AND SHELBY!!! -Madison Roulan
Dear, kid that pissed his pants, passed out on our porch, then went inside and sat on our couch.... you owe us a new couch. Sincerely, 432. A.K.A John, sneaking Stones into the bar isn’t impressive, it’s actually sad. Get a $1 and buy a the house that still smells like piss drink. Thanks, Steve and Tom Thanks to all of my wonderful friends for being there for me through both the good and bad. -Katie Salemi Amanda, next time you decide to have a party and charge us for cups, try to make sure the keg isn’t the one you left on your balcony all summer. Thanks - Girls in 704 I love Lambda Alpha Epsilon and Sigma Alpha Epsilon... and Max Ramos-Paez. 4E. -Krissy Griffin
SHOUT OUT OF THE WEEK
Fellow Housemate, Stop banging on my wall while you’re doing it; I’m trying to sleep. Love, Room #3
Shout out to the Marching 100. -Seamus O’Dunn Pro Tip, Be Jon Mula -Stuart Royal I didn’t know it was take your worm for a walk week!
Dear Roommate, Your boobs sag...please invest in a better bra! A not so loving roommate.
Dear Mike, apologies for puking in your fratstar room. And not realizing it til noon the next day. Sooo when’s the second date? -Christine Dear Brody, Sorry about that Asian puking on your laptop and cockblocking you all night. Love, 359 and 360 Hey KM, remember that one night when we drank the entire bottle of gin? Yeah I don’t either -Smores Dear Reify, your welcome for hitting the snooze before your girl realized her flight was leaving, mehr. Always your bro -Pickles To the guys who got arrested outside Po’s, Thanks for your pizza! -The three blondes cheering you on Whoever stole the giant box of swag, I will kill you...and yes, I’m looking at you, homeless man across the street.
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New Show Schizo:
Why (and Why not) to Tune in This Fall
Fall TV season is right around the corner, which means a horde of new shows to further amplify America’s obesity issues. We look at 6 new shows and their potential fates. Will they be one-and-done like your mom was last night or will they stick around forever, pleasing our every whim, like your sister? Only time will tell! By: Atish & Brendan
Title: Apartment 23 Starring: Dreama Walker, Krysten Ritter James Van Der Beek Date/Time/Channel: Midseason on ABC Why You Should Watch It: From his cameos in How I Met Your Mother, Franklin and Bash, and even a Ke$ha video, James Van Der Beek doesn’t disappoint. The plot of the show is completely irrelevant (although admittedly awful) since you’ll be focused on Dawson Leary from episode one. Why You Shouldn’t: This show is shaping up to land into the fat middle of television—a show that’s not bad enough to turn off, but not good enough to DVR. Just be wary of falling into Van Der Beek’s head’s gravitation pull, you’ll never escape.
Title: Person of Interest Starring: Jim Caviezel, Michael Emerson Date/Time/Channel: Thursday, 9EST/8CST, CBS Why You Should Watch It: With J.J. Abrams executive producing and one of the Lost actors in the show, it’s going to be both awesome and compelling. If he could turn Felicity and Alias into must-sees, then this one should be just fine. Why You Shouldn’t: The hater in us can begrudgingly admit Person of Interest looks, well, interesting. Still, the overarching plot-- a billionaire who recruits a presumeddead CIA agent to catch violent criminals in New York City—is too far-fetched and not properly defined for our taste.
Title: Terra Nova Starring: Jason O’Mara, Stephen Lang, Shelly Conn Date/Time/Channel: Monday, 8EST/7CST, Fox Why You Should Watch It: It’s like Jurassic Park meets Lost (those episodes centered around the first settlers) mixed with Stargate and some show that has people having sex a lot because they are scared. Winner. Why You Shouldn’t: Terra Nova, with its dystopian future and dinosaurs from millions of years ago is shaping up to be like nacho cheese and lime Jell-o, two awesome individual things that, when mixed together, produce lessthan-optimum results.
Title: Playboy Club Starring: Amber Heard, Jenna Dewan-Tatum, Eddie Cibrian Date/Time/Channel: Monday, 10EST/9CST, NBC Why You Should Watch It: Any show they are boycotting in Salt Lake City and pretty much the entire state of Utah is worth watching. Sure they won’t show you any boobs since it’s on NBC, but after it gets cancelled and picked up as a Direct-TV only show with full nudity, you’re going to wish you were watching from the start. Why You Shouldn’t: This period drama is a pretty obvious Mad Men knockoff, attempting to capture the cool of 1960s casual misogyny. Except it’s on network TV, so all the sexy bits will be toned down. And if Amber Heard isn’t naked, then what’s the point?
Title: How to Be a Gentleman Starring: David Hornsby, Kevin Dillon Date/Time/Channel: Thursday, 8:30EST/7:30CST, CBS Why You Should Watch It: Sure the show is going to suck, but we know it will make one hell of a drinking game. Anytime Kevin Dillion tries to be serious, take a shot. Anytime your little brother can re-enact a scene as Kevin Dillon perfectly, take a shot. You get the idea. Why You Shouldn’t: People, when are we going to stop pretending that Kevin Dillon is great at acting like a mongoloid and just accept the fact that he lucked into the one career when he can succeed despite being an actual mongoloid?
Title: Last Man Standing Starring: Tim Allen, Nancy Travis Date/Time/Channel: Tuesday, 8EST/&CST, ABC Why You Should Watch It: This has to be Tim Allen’s ultimate comeback. I mean, it can’t be any worse than the Santa Clause movies, Joe Somebody, Christmas with the Kranks, The Shaggy Dog, or Wild Hogs…right? Why You Shouldn’t: Last Man Standing is a network sitcom about a guy (Allen) asserting his manhood in a world dominated by women. So basically it’s one doofus dude that wants to do guy things, but his levelheaded wife and sassy teenage daughters won’t let him. Unless this is some sort of meta-satire of the whole sitcom genre (Note: It is not) then how exactly is this different from According to Jim?
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Kids These Days
the interview
17
Kids These Days are a bunch of rapscallions from the fine city of Chicago that just so happen to be in a band. Their eclectic style, a mix of soul, hip-hop, jam and funk, made us want to talk to them. Macie, the lady lead, obliged.
CD REVIEW
Out Now
Blitzen Trapper American Goldwing
Alternative-country trapped in 2011 isn’t as bad as it sounds Blitzen Trapper, to me, has always been a band where I’ve heard of them, but have never listened to them. You know what I mean; a band whose name you’ve heard thrown around for years, but always slipped your mind when friend’s were burning you mixed CDs or, you know, while “sharing music over the internet.” But even just listening to the opening moments of their latest album, American Goldwing, makes me regret not having their upbeat alternativecountry sound in my life five years ago, because I think my untainted view of the world swould’ve enjoyed it that much more. Though folk-pop music seemed to be a bit more popular a few years ago, I still can understand that even the best of alt-country will not appeal to everyone. Growing up obsessed with Ryan Adams (as in, I almost got a cold rose tattoo when I was 19… yeah, talk about potential life regrets), Wilco and the Jayhawks, I have a soft spot for alternative-country even when it’s not what generally gets me going these days. So while channeling my high-school self I listened to American Goldwing and, even today, it’s still right up my alley. Interesting, intricate guitar riffs with catchy vocals describes the impressive sound of Blitzen Trapper, with peaks and valleys of fast-paced jams and slowed-down ballads. “Taking it Easy Too Long” sounds like a nice song to slow-dance to during an ironic rodeo in a tight plaid shirt and skinny jeans, while “Might Find it Cheap” is perfectly catchy, immediately satisfying, and altcountry at its finest. “Love the Way You Walk Away”
B+
sounds like the name of a nasty R. Kelly hit, but it’s one of the better songs on the album. Not exactly slow-paced, it’s emotional while not being entirely depressing. Though some alt-country songs have lyrics that are a little less country and thus a little less cheesy, this isn’t the case for Blitzen Trapper. Rhyming lyrics about old timey things like sport coats, finding songs on the radio and riding on an oldass motorcycle sound out of place, and not particularly relevant to those they assumedly play for; cynical 20-somethings. Or maybe they don’t give a shit about 20-something bastards anymore; the band did form over a decade ago. But these are the same things that I’ve always disliked about alternative-country, so at least Blitzen Trapper does cheesy lyrics right. It almost seems like an oxymoron; loving alternative-country for their unabashed passion and honesty, yet hating it for its too-apparent realness. Maybe they are just not afraid to say what they really feel and I just can’t deal with that. No, I don’t have emotions over old oak trees or missing my home town. I think I’m just a little too weird for all of that now, but at least now I can say I’ve listened to them. Sounds Like: You’d find Blitzen Trapper in the dictionary next to ‘alt-country.’ Download: Might Find It Cheap, Love the Way You Walk Away Listen to it When: You’re on the open road in a beat up Honda Goldwing.
The Black Sheep: So I know the band is all relatively young, but how old are you? Macie Stewart: I’m 18. TBS: And how old is the oldest person in the band? Macie: I think 19? TBS: That makes me sad. When and how did you guys start getting together? Macie: Well, a few of us went to high school together, and some of us—not me, unfortunately-- went to the Merit School of Music and enjoyed playing music together, so they decided to start a band. They brought in me and [rapper] Vic, because we had all gone to school together. The band started there. TBS: How does a band so young write songs that evoke emotion, when, frankly, you’re lacking a lot of the life experiences your peers have? Macie: Personally, I write ambiguous lyrics drawn from my own experiences, while Vic writes his stuff based on his life, but also what he’s seen living in the city of Chicago. TBS: What have you been a part of that helped you define your vision as a musician? Macie: My mother is a musician and she—in large part—inspired me to write music. She’s good and it inspired me to write my own kind of music. Other artists like Fiona Apple and Metric inspire me to write my own lyrics instead of singing someone else’s. TBS: And with such a large band how do artistic contributions work? Like, how do you guys go about birthing a song? Macie: Sometimes someone will bring in an idea, and we’ll all build off that idea, whether it’s adding horns or a piano part. It’s really organic how we write our music, it’s not like we’re just sitting around saying, “let’s write a song!” TBS: How would you describe your band in 5 words or less. Macie: We have our own sound. TBS: Not bad. Macie: It’s hard to describe, we all have different influences, and we bring them together to create some-
thing new. TBS: Do you ever worry that the eclectic sound you have will come off as unfocused? Macie: No, we play what we like and we play what we think sounds good. If someone thinks we’re unfocused, fuck ‘em. What we do, we do out of love. TBS: How would you describe a live show to someone who hasn’t seen you before? Macie: Crazy, lots of energy, fun and a lot of music. A party at the venue and a party on stage. Shows are the most fun part of this thing, I think. TBS: What’s the most fun show you’ve ever played? Macie: We played the Bele Chere festival in Ashville, North Carolina and it was the most fun I’ve had on stage. The crowd was just great and we were really feeling it. TBS: Do you guys hang out offstage, or is it more of a “we’re done here, let’s all go our separate ways” kind of thing? Macie: We hang out after rehearsal, because practice is for practicing, and we like each other. TBS: Are you guys prevented from doing certain things because of your youth? Macie: I don’t think it prevents stuff, but sometimes we’ll play a 21+ venue and they’ll treat us like kids, writing huge “X”s on our hands or they won’t let us into the venue because we don’t have a 21+ ID. Shit happens, but there’s been nothing that has, like, totally held us back. TBS: If you could collaborate with any living artist, who would it be? Macie: Stevie Wonder. TBS: If you could pick a mythical creature as a pet, which would it be and why? Macie: That thing from Harry Potter, what’s it called? TBS: A Hippogriff? Macie: Yeah! TBS: If you could replace one part of your body with a robot replacement, what would you do? Macie: My legs, then I could run super-duper fast. TBS: Favorite childhood movie? Macie: Mulan.
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Madlib: Worst Class Ever! 1) Class you are in. 2) Day of the week 3) Random daydream 4) Your name 5) Something hard to explain 6) Something specific to #5 7) Reason why you cut class 8) Unit of time 9) Person in class you like 10) That person’ s gender 11) What you wanted to do to them 12) Something gross 13) Your best friend 14) Stupid question 15) Made-up sexual act 16) Stupid thing to buy 17) Article of clothing
( class time )
So there you are, sitting in ___1___ just like any other ___2___. You’re spacing out, dreaming of a ___3___ when all of a sudden the classroom falls silent. Everyone turns to look at you. The professor speaks up, “___4___ I asked you to explain ___5___, can you explain why ___6___?” And this is when it hits you, skipping last week’s lecture to ___7___ was a huge mistake. ___8___ later and you’re still silent. Now ___9___, the ___10___ you were hoping to ___11___ looks at you like you’re ___12___. All you can stammer out is, “I don’t know.” It gets worse, though. Now that you’ve proved your idiocy ___13___, your best friend, piles on. “Hey dude, ___14___? What’s the ___15___? How much does a ___16___ cost?” Everyone’s laughing at you, and you even wore ___17___ to class today.
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E P I N B Y R O T C I V E I H T D A T A Holding Y O E CFootball N F I G Season! H T S O N G A L A R C R Tackle class Football Season! I W S G R N F me B Q G L A D L U T Y R R B Yards time me itas me! Quarterback itas me! Beer Brats S N B P A L OG E L V H F A Y R R C A R Cooler L O A Y L RR ER LCOAO R C Gameday S N BGPDAB LE O G NE AL DVCHE FM A Koozies NN E A I W MA U LI D Tailgate G D B F ET LR O D RCEELM R AE TL SOGOE CS Gameday Pigskin U G K A D R O N M T O C S A M G G R L C FirstDown F T RMNT EO IL W R E L M U I D A T S G E S Tailgate HairMary Y L D E Q U A R T E R B A C K E Helmet U G KBAI DO RT O Flag C N Z M T CTMOPCI S GA S M K G I NGMRC LCCS FirstDown EndZone M T OL LH YZ LY D E SQCUHAE RE TR EL ER AB DAECR KA ET Helmet Stadium OO BCS Victory B I OE TPCI ZN BT C MOP T ICGI SV KE II HN TMDCACT SA EndZone Y R Holding Fightsong CN F IHGEHET RS LO N Tackle L H Z YYOOE O S C EG A AD LEARRAC TR BCS Fumble GR R O N FT BCQIGVL EA D L UT TDYAR TR AB Holding Yards E P I I NWBS Y I H Quarterback Mascot Y O E C N F I G H T S O N G A L A R C R Tackle Cheerleader Beer I W S G R N F B Q G L A D L U T Y R R B Yards Penalty Brats Quarterback Cooler Beer Koozies Brats Pigskin HairMary Cooler Flag Koozies Stadium HOT TEA - ICED TEA - BUBBLE TEA - HERBAL TEA Pigskin Victory GREEN TEA - COFFEE - ITALIAN SODA - SMOOTHIES HairMary Fightsong Flag FRAPPES - MEDITERRANEAN WRAPS AND DESSERTS Fumble Stadium Mascot AND MORE! Victory Cheerleader Penalty happy hour: monday - thursday, 6pm to 8pmFightsong
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