Volume 1, Issue 5 | 11/17/11 - 11/30/11 | www.theblacksheeponline.com
The
F st ree.. eal .lik fro e e m h ver om yth e o ing ver yo bre u’ll ak!
Black Sheep
“A College Newspaper That’s Actually About College”
The Rubber Match evans prater wrote this
ABSTRACT While safe sex may not be at the top of your priority list, some of us just can’t resist keeping our willies nilly of any unnecessary contamination. So, we use condoms. Of course, although sex the natural way feels much better (trust us, freshmen), using a condom is the easiest way to prevent a one-night-stand from becoming a lifetime of regret (the one STD worse than AIDS, a kid). So, here at your favorite magazine we decided to head down to our labs and test the five best-selling condoms in America to see which one provides the most comfort, durability, and prevent-a-baby-or-STD-ility. You’re welcome. Basically, to test the durability of our condom contestants, we just banged this hooker few found behind the Arby’s. If we didn’t get anything, it passed. Eh, that’s a lie. Instead, we filled each condom up with water until it burst, recording both the volume of water it could hold, and the degree of the stretch. After hours of laborious research here are the results: RESULTS 5. Trojan Magnum: Yeah, we really didn’t even look up the best selling condoms in the U.S. Sorry, if you want boring news, go read The Yeti. But anyways, we just couldn’t resist. We had to rank these fifth though, because we know that most of you have tiny dicks and won’t be purchasing them any time soon. The Magnums held 12 cups of water and stretched to 39 inches before tearing. We were like “Whoa” too. But, unless you’re endowed like we are, this information means nothing to you. Choose number 4, limpy. 4. Some shitty gas station condom: Ok, we don’t have any real information on this one, but let’s be honest; truckers and prostitutes probably use gas station condoms pretty often. So we had to test one out.
3. Lifestyles Sheer Pleasure: Surprisingly, the Sheer Pleasure condoms held 5.5 cups of water before bursting and stretched to 22.3 inches before tearing. Why third place, then? Because the second you open them they smell worse than the vag you’re about to pound. I don’t know what they’re thinking at the Lifestyles factory, or if we just got a bad batch that happen to have had cat urine spilled in them, but damn, these are some stinky jimmy caps. 2. Durex Extra Sensitive: Durex condoms are the second best selling in the United States. After testing these condoms it’s easy to see why someone coined the phrase, “Second place is first loser.” The Extra Sensitives only held 5 cups of water before bursting, and only stretched to 22 inches before tearing. Pretty puny performance (pretty sure you’ve heard that one before) compared to number one. On a more personal note, the lube in these things was akin to shitty vegetable oil; they got dry and unusable within three minutes of insertion (no not into a vagina, you sick bastard). 1. Trojan Ecstasy: According to Slate.com, Trojan condoms account for 70.5 percent of sales in the condom world. That’s a lot of latex. And, as we can see here, it’s pretty obvious why: the Ecstasy condom has ribs from head to base, a shit-ton of lube, and can stretch like a yogi. Among other stress tests, we filled the Ecstasy with 7 cups of water before it burst. That’s 56 ounces, math majors. It looked like a dick-blimp. It was awesome. The Ecstasy also stretched a whopping 27 inches before it broke, more than any other regular size condom. While some of you may have “average” size penises, we here at The Black Sheep have really large ones, just ask your grandma. Moving on. CONCLUSION After we were done testing we spent a good hour scrubbing lube off our hands, blowing up extras having dicksaber fights, and coming in and out of consciousness (we have no explanation for this). Then we had unprotected sex with our girlfriends because they’re on birth control. So, next time you’re in the condom aisle at Walmart, try and remember this invaluable information you’ve read today. Or don’t, it’s not like you’re going to get laid anyways.
These little life savers (or should we say, preventers) only held 2.5 cups of water and stretched to 15 inches before tearing. They’d probably be better used as Christmas decorations or dog hats.
Other stuff
Inside
05: leach do’s and don’ts
How to get swole without looking like an asshole.
06: relationships, a winter sport Now you’re part of the most dangerous game: hunting man meat.
Pgs12-13: two awesome interviews
Dubstep DJ 12th Planet and sweet songwriter Mat Kearney.
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Definition: Any movement that promotes equal rights for cross-dressers and transvestites. Sentence: “RuPaul’s Supermodel was a seminal moment in the Hegalitarianism movement.”
r u o H y p ! t Hap H g i n D n a Day
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04
From 'da Streets
I see you windin’ and grindin’ that pole
“What would you do if an asteroid was hitting the Earth and you only had one day to live?”
ashley romano wrote this
“I would call my family and throw a huge party and blow all of my money. I would invite everybody, even random people.” - Jose L.
What’s so special about a night with scantily clad women at Bullwinkle’s? How about a night with scantily clad women pole dancing? That’s right fellas, it was your one night in Tallahassee to fall in love with a stripper. Coors Light-sponsored boozing, girls winding and grinding on poles, a hype man named Kingz, all under one roof. It really was a (Playboy) picture perfect evening. The evening started out at Art of the Catwalk for some bubbly and pole dancing warm ups. Here I was introduced to the wall of stripper heels. They have a pump for every personalty. There’s the classic fish-in-the-platform to the hot-and-spicy heels with flames licking the sides. And if you’re a pole dancer interested in saving, there’s even a stripper heel with a piggy bank as the platform. And talk about multitasking! These eight-inch babies do more than provide the iconic stripper look; they’re actually essential for working the pole. Wrap your legs around this: the heels give you a killer workout and provide a way to latch on to the pole.
Chastity or Destiny. But the contestants made up for their lack of creativity with names with the pole skills. In between rounds the audience had the chance to get on the pole. It’s amazing what people will do for a bong or a Bulls card. I’ve never seen so many white boys and girls attempt to booty clap in one night. Some girls got up there just to dance for a free hat, and a few even let their skirts ride up while they were bent down to the floor (or “flo”, whichever you prefer). There was a bride-to-be preparing for her nuptials receiving a lap dance from a guy with abs you could grate a nice block of cheddar on. One of her bridesmaids got in on the action too, and might have enjoyed his pelvic thrusts to the face a little too much (she didn’t even get a free hat for it!). It just shows, you don’t have to take off your clothes to win everything.
“your labia are showing, but you go girl!”
While the ladies were doing their stretches before the contest, I met the hype man, Kingz. He told me his real name is Charlton and I immediately started to do the Carlton dance. His also said he hates when people called him Carlton, so I stopped dancing. Six-foot-seven man plus five-foot-girl equals intimidation. I guess he saw my sweet moves because he wanted to know if I was going to be in the contest. Pole dancing competitions aren’t meant for girls wearing skinny jeans and Misfit tees and I had left my booty shorts at home (oh, darn). Maybe next time. When the pole dancing contest started, I found a respect for the dancers I never thought I could have. It may have been the vodka tonic with a splash of cranberry I was sipping on, but when Pole Kat (one of the judges) showed some of her own ridiculous moves, I realized pole dancing is kind of awesome. You wouldn’t expect such a tiny person to climb up a pole to the ceiling and hang on without hands. I can see why people consider it an art form. When taken out of the environment of dollar bills getting flung to the tune of Nelly’s magnum opus “Hot in Herre,” it becomes a totally different thing. Some of the contestants played with the typical look and feel of the pole dancer. There was a sexy school girl-esque contestant in plaid and pig tails. Some of the contestants even tried on stripper names of their own, but I think Tinkerbell definitely needs to get workshopped. I was hoping I would at least see one
A major part of the contest was audience participation as well, and some generous people made it rain for their favorite contestants! What says “you’re awesome” more than dollar bills being flung on stage? These girls didn’t even have to show ass to get cash. That night was certainly an experience. I saw bodies bend in ways I would have thought impossible. How do you make one butt cheek move that fast while sliding down a pole without using your hands? I may have practiced some butt-busters in front of my mirror later that night, but my questions are still not answered. Your labia are showing, but you go girl! At least your core muscles are carved from steel and you can put yourself through graduate school with your winnings. And honestly, I’m jealous of the guts these girls have. I can barely trot around in my underwear in my own apartment. I can’t see doing that at Bull’s while dancing in front of a crowd of people.
“I would drive to my family and we would drink, talk and laugh. It would be similar to a normal trip home just that everyone would die at the end.” - Steven P.
“I would probably get opium or moonshine and write myself something and lie in bed. I would most likely be nude and my writing would be reflective and borderline really absurd.” - Valerie G.
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THe top ten
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ways to survive the holidays It’s that time of the year again. When the weather outside is frightful and the fire is so delightful- that is, as an escape from your family. Nothing brings the family closer together than the holidays (except for parole hearings). Here are ten ways to survive Thanksgiving, Chrismakwanzakah, and/or Winter Solstice with your family. 10) Be Spirited: Drink. Alcohol is always acceptable during the holidays- there’s a reason why eggnog and whiskey is such a heavenly match. And eggnog and bourbon. And eggnog and rum. And whiskey and bourbon and rum. 9) Eat and Be Merry: If everyone is stuffing their faces, they can’t talk about how much weight you’ve gained, or your cousin’s ex-wife, or about “those foreigners” who’ve moved in across the street.
leach do’s and dont’s
bryce josepher wrote this
The gym here at Florida State (The Leach Center) is a great place for students to work off those extra calories from The Strip. And while going to the gym and working up a good sweat can do all kinds of wonders for your health, there are some crucial do’s and don’ts at the Leach. Here’s how to keep the negative attention on the acne-infested roid-head and not you. The first thing you need to do is make sure you have the right footwear. Do yourself a giant favor and invest in a pair of good-looking Nikes. Hell, if you need to, pull out some tattered old sneakers, just don’t be the guy walking around with improper footwear. Walking around in Sperry sandals or boat shoes at the Leach doesn’t make you look fratty, it makes you look like a giant douchebag. Also, if you drop a barbell on your foot, you’re boned. Also, don’t wear your lime-green band from The Strip to the gym. No one’s going to buy that you “forgot to take it off” or “didn’t even notice;” instead, it looks like you’re trying to get attention because you party, which in Tallahassee is like acting tough because you survive off of oxygen. This is also the hallmark of the self-absorbed freshman, and you don’t want to be that guy. Take the three seconds to tear off the Ken’s band before you walk out the door. Be sure to avoid excessive grunting and too much staring. Keep the noise to a bare minimum while lifting weights, as well as limiting the time that you look at yourself in the mirror. Ever sat next to someone in the gym that feels the need to yell when they lift? It’s distracting, it’s obnoxious, and I swear I feel a hernia coming on just hearing people grunt like that. Find a way to bite your tongue and hold back the grunting in
the weight room, just out of common courtesy. And as far as staring in the mirror, give yourself a 3-second grace period, but after that, walk away. You don’t want to be the loser flexing in front of a crowded room for 25 seconds. You have a bathroom mirror for that; all you’re doing is wasting space. So what else can you could do to avoid embarrassing yourself? Well, remember to bring a towel. This sounds simple, but the gym staff takes that shit to heart. Being asked to leave the gym because you forgot a clean rag is embarrassing. Not to mention it’s a complete buzzkill when you’re in the middle of a workout, so set a reminder to avoid confrontation with an unqualified gym employee. Don’t forget the extra deodorant. After you’ve had a full day of class, walking around, or work, you probably won’t smell as good as you did when you left the house. There have been countless times where I’ve had to go out of my way to get on a different treadmill because the track star next to me forgot to freshen up before her workout. It’s also important to work in with people and always re-rack. Why? Because the Leach lets the student body sculpt its Adonis-like figure for free (well, aside from our constantly-rising tuition), which means that it’s going to be packed unless you can drag yourself there at 9 in the morning or 10:30 at night. So leaving your 90-pound dumbbells on the floor because they’re too heavy to lift back up isn’t an excuse, it’s a reason to shank you with a curl bar. Now, where are the steroids?
8) Avoid Politics: Or any other controversial topic. This should go without saying- the last thing you want to deal with is Gramps going on a tirade about the government or women in politics. And he still hasn’t gotten over Mary Todd Lincoln. 7) Get Out While You Still Can: It’s the holidays, and there’s bound to be plenty of errands to run. Volunteer for every single one of them, it’ll get you out of the house. Try purposely sabotaging dinner and throwing out food (or donate it if you’re feeling charitable). And don’t forget to make going out for a can of cranberry sauce an eight hour process. 6) Fake an Illness: It’s flu season. Use some creativity to fake a fever or induce vomiting, be it by leaving a hot towel on your head or drinking lighter fluid. No one wants to be around the sick person on the holidays, and it gives you an excuse to nap. 5) Take Up Jogging: Finally, a reason to exercise. It gets you out of the house (and off your fat ass, according to your aunt). Outdoor sports are a good idea as well, and they don’t even have to be legitimate- tell your family that your team is really serious about getting into the Quidditch Cup this year or that you’re on a curling team. 4) Keep Your Cool: You’ll be tempted, but please refrain from beating someone to death with your hot cocoa mug (or glassing someone with your pint of eggnog). Remain calm at all times. Take up meditation. 3) Avoid Certain Family Members: You know the particular family members who push your buttons the most. You’re best trying to avoid them altogether. And if you can’t avoid them, make sure you’re surrounded by other people. And don’t forget that you can always physically run away from them (you’re really serious about this jogging thing). 2) Celebrate Festivus: It’s the holiday for the rest of us. Complete with an Airing of Grievances and the Feats of Strength, Festivus is the perfect holiday to relieve family tension, mainly because the whole holiday revolves around family tension. On Festivus, getting into fist fights with your relatives isn’t seen as a damper on the evening, it’s called “celebrating”. 1) Drop the Bomb: If there’s going to be tension and fighting, you might as well be the one that sparks the fuse. Tell your family your deepest, darkest secrets- or make a few up, but make them as twisted as possible. Once again, you know what will drive your family nuts, so personalize it for your relatives. With luck, they’ll be so disgusted that you’ll never be invited to another family gathering ever again.
J.N. Bordonaba wrote this
06
SEXFSu and
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Relationships:
A Winter Sport Jessica Green wrote this
It’s winter, and that can only mean one thing: Relationship season. It’s the time of Facebook status-changes from “Single” to “In a relationship,” the time for staying in with your new-found love rather than taking home the first person you see. It’s when suddenly the boy who previously referred to you as his “booty call” is randomly coming over before midnight and cooking you dinner. All of a sudden text messages go from “sex?” to “just wanted to know what you were doing.” This time-honored tradition begins to gain momentum in October. You begin to notice small changes. The guy who never miss a night of drinking now opts to stay in more often. The girl who dressed in short shorts and barely-there tops now shows much less skin and is acting a tad more reserved. Much like a bear beginning to hibernate, Tallahassee’s party metabolism begins to slow. The second December 1st hits, get ready to see your Facebook filled with new romances, because Relationship season has officially begun. It only makes sense that all these boyfriend-girlfriend shenanigans would start around this time. Not only does the weather get colder, prompting people to lock in a
TRIVIA NIGHTS mon 7-9 + tues 730-930 & 10-12
every game, every week!
Another perk of participating in this ever-popular event is that it doesn’t last forever. Most winter romances won’t last much past Valentine’s Day. I mean, why spend your money on a stupid teddy bear when you can just dump the girl and use that money for beer? So before February hits, say your goodbyes and breathe, because the drinking and random hookups are about to begin again. Random hook-ups when you’re drunk are awesome and feelings are for pansies, but a brick-and mortar relationship has its benefits. For one, your parents will be fooled into thinking that not all hope is lost on you getting married. Also, after you break up you get to experience the fun
3
am!
great food til
20 BEERS ON TAP + FULL LIQUOR BAR
permanent cuddle buddy, it is also the time of holidays and long breaks from school… and drinking. College kids aren’t dumb. It’s clear that once November rolls around the drinking slows down. A lot. Thanksgiving and Christmas are times to be with family and, to be honest, that can really suck. But if you snag yourself a girlfriend you can spend the breaks with her, which is a whole lot better than being sober and celibate for an entire month.
every night of the year
KARAOKE thurs & sunday 8 til 2
HAPPY HOUR
WEEKDAYS 4-7
49c Wings + $5 Domestic Pitchers 2-4-1 wells, wines, pints & frozen drinks
that comes with running into your ex, and you get to enjoy three months of work-free sex. Although these perks seem great, the fun that comes along with random hookups will likely outweigh all of them for most college kids. By participating in Relationship Season you get the best of both worlds: a significant other when it’s convenient and an easy excuse to break it off when all your friends decide to leave the leash and be fun again. So now is your chance to take advantage of this opportunity. ‘Tis the season!
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Happy Hour from 4-7! $5 Pitchers, $.49 Wings 2-4-1 Wells, Wine, and Pints Karaoke 8-2!
Metro Night $6 Double Wells Happy Hour Until 9PM
Metro Night!
Happy Hour from 4-7! $5 Pitchers, $.49 Wings 2-4-1 Wells, Wine, and Pints Come Enjoy Live Music!
College Football Saturdays! Happy Hour Until 9PM $3 Domestics $4 Imports
Ladies Night! Free Wine/Champagne for Ladies $3 Wells & Imports $6 Fishbowls & $2 Shots $7 Double Beam/Captain
Gameday Specials to Cheer on the Seminoles!
Party on the Patio w/ NFL Sunday Ticket! Happy Hour ALL Day $2 Domestics $3 Imports and Wells
Hospitality Night $2 Domestics, $3 Imports $3 Wells
Sunday Brunch 11-4 $1 Bloody Marys $1 Mimosas All NFL Games Karaoke 8-2
Monday Night Football $6 Double Wells Happy Hour Until 9PM
Blue Monday! $6 Double Wells $2 Shots
Happy Hour and Monday Night Football! $5 Pitchers, $.49 Wings 2-4-1 Wells, Wine, and Pints from 4-7 Come Play Trivia 7-9
Happy Hour Until 9PM Rockstar Karaoke 10-2 $2 Yuengling Drafts No Cover
Rockstar Karaoke 10-2 $2 Yuengling Drafts No Cover
Happy Hour from 4-7! $5 Pitchers, $.49 Wings 2-4-1 Wells, Wine, and Pints Come Play Trivia 8-10
Wasted Wednesday! $3 Wells, $2 Shots Happy Hour Until 9PM
Winning Wednesday Free Champaign/Wine for Ladies $7 Dble Captain Morgan $6 Fish Bowls, $2 Shots $2 Domestics, $3 Imports
Happy Hour from 4-7! $5 Pitchers, $.49 Wings 2-4-1 Wells, Wine, and Pints $10 All You Can Drink Bud Light from 9-2
Live Music!
Serving Food Until 2!
Serving Food Until 2!
TUES
TUESDAY: Rockstar Karaoke 10-2 $2 Yuengling Drafts No Cover
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Serving Food Until 2!
09
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The Black Sheep Presents:
the pre-thanksgiving thank you letter
amalgamation of all the things that you’ve taught us throughout the season. To begin, we’ll have a turkey roasted to perfection—a symbol of our learning to read. The fowl, which we now know is different from its homonym, foul, is something that you taught us (even though our kind may later deny any claim of your tribe’s literacy due to our even more overt racism in the future). To accompany the fowl, we will have a bevy of corn (significance already covered), dozens of fresh-baked rolls (to represent the importance of your role in teaching us how to bake), several squashes (squash being the best natural remedy for syphilis and hunger), and a plethora of pumpkin pies (a symbol of the first inanimate object we learned to make love to). It really would mean the world to us if you and the rest of the Patuxets joined us. My brother, Henry, even prepared a poem for the occasion. I know that he wanted to keep it a secret, but if you’re still debating whether or not to come, I think this might persuade you: A Thanksgiving Haiku: So sorry we are For everything done we have Squanto that we love
Dearest Squanto, I want you to know that you are very important to me. If I had to choose between a night of fellatio from my finest lady and a night of male bonding with you, I’d probably choose to get my knob slobbed on… but I’d be thinking of you. Seriously though, Squants, I really cannot thank you enough for everything you have done for my people. Us Whites were just the darn worst to you and your tribe when we first arrived and captured you, but we want to make it up to you. We would be absolutely delighted if all of you would join us for a feast tomorrow evening as a small token of our immense appreciation. Heck, before you and your tribe came along, we were sticking the cobs of corn into our anuses; you taught us to put them in our mouths. That piece of knowledge alone was enough to completely change the way we approached our day-to-day life—literally 100% different now. Anyway, we hope that the dinner we prepare will serve as an edible (and delicious)
Henry is very sensitive about his writing, so I hope you’ll take this opportunity to support him in his pursuit to become fully literate. He has written several other poems about you, but I think he misunderstood the meaning of some words because all of the others contained several sexually explicit references to your genitalia and his sister’s “rosy hole.” The point is—we need you guys to be there. It wouldn’t feel right if you weren’t part of the celebration. We’re going to drink beer and smash things at the rock before dinner, say grace and give thanks, feast, smoke our pipes, and then make love to our women (in group fashion). We especially hope that you’ll join us for that portion of the night— that niece of yours is growing up to be a real tall drink of water. I wouldn’t mind if she harvested my crop… if you know what I mean. If you don’t know what I mean, I mean I want her to weave my basket. And if you don’t know what I mean by that, I’m pretty sure Henry wrote a poem about it that also contained some pretty graphic images. Anywho, I suppose if the world is full of sugarplums and dreams come true, (like I hope it is), I’ll see you tomorrow. Warm Regards and Gentle Hugs, John Smith
@BlackSheepFSU Search: TheBlackSheepFSU
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Bartenderof the Issue
Adam Hanley Waterworks
Relationship status: Seeing someone Guilty Pleasure: Sleep Favorite Movie: Cool Hand Luke Weapon of Choice: A car, I’d rather run someone down Boxers or Briefs: Boxer briefs What You Look for in a Woman: Intelligence. Far and away. 3 Things You’d Bring to a Deserted Island: A knife, a flint, and a companion. Craziest Night Out: Blacked out in the streets of New Orleans, woken up by cops in the streets in New Orleans, didn’t get arrested.
Drink
Craziest Night on the Job: Christmas of ‘08. Someone threatened to kill me, someone gave me a $100 tip, and I didn’t go home alone. What do you like about your job: It’s relatively stress-free and it’s different every day. What do you hate about your job: The schedule. What is your kryptonite: The fourth drink. Favorite color: Orange. Mostly because it doesn’t rhyme with anything.
Shot
I Dare You
Rye Manhatten
Waffle Shot
California Highway
+ 2 Shots Rye Whiskey + Splash Sweet Vermouth + Few Dashes of Bitters
+ Crown Royal + Butterscotch Schnapps
Everything spilled on the counter poured into a shot glass.
drinking game:
Beer Ball
Like beer? Have balls? Boy, have we got a game for you. What You Need: A case of beer, at least one ping pong ball, and a table. Number of Players: Four exactly – no more, no less, no exceptions. Intoxication Level: You’ll lose your balls. How To Play: - Like beer pong, there are two teams of two players in this game, and each team stands at opposing ends of the table. - Place a can of beer upside down at each corner of the table (four beers total). - One player will throw the ping pong ball at the opposing team’s beer that is diagonal from him. - If he hits the beer can, his teammate on his side of the table must flip over his can of beer and start chugging. - His teammate will only stop chugging once either member of the opposing team has retrieved the ping pong ball and placed it on the table. - It is to be expected that one teammate will finish his beer first. In this case he will be the only member throwing for the remainder of the game in order to have his teammate finish his beer too. - The winning team is the team who is able to finish every last drop of both of their beers first. The Game Ends When: You actually start tripping on the balls.
recipe for disaster:
Waffle Sandwich
This is a treat that would have Leslie Knope of Pawnee, Indiana losing her mind. It’s too delicious for most people to comprehend.
What You’ll Need: Waffles, ice cream, chocolate syrup, whip cream, caramel sauce, and whatever else your sweet tooth can dream up. Cook Time: About 5-7 Minutes. Fatty Factor: This is a no-go for someone with diabetes. Let’s Get Baked: - Bust out your Eggo waffles (of course, you could go Belgium, which sounds fanfucking-tastic; however you’ll need a waffle maker for that), toss two of them in the toaster, and set them for however you like your waffles cooked. - While your waffle is toasting, bust out your favorite ice cream and get all of your toppings in a line. - Once your waffles pop out of the toaster, plop them on a plate, and slap a bunch of ice cream on one of them. - Go ahead and slather on all of the chocolate syrup, whip cream, caramel sauce, sprinkles and whatever else you want on the ice cream and cram the second waffle on top of it all to make the sandwich. Enjoy! Of course this waffle sandwich could be anything you imagine it up to be. Feel free to experiment with all different flavors if ice cream and waffles. Rocky Road with blueberry waffles sounds like an interesting twist on the palate.
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Find Holiday happiness in a glass It’s that time of year again! Cooler weather, heavier school load and stranger drinks. Give the Natty Ice and plastic jug vodka a break and get into the holiday cocktail spirit. It’s a great way to get festive with your friends, and a perfect addition to family gatherings during the holiday break. Not much is better than a frilly drink with a nice kick hidden inside to get those awkward drunk moments going (Granny, put your bra back on.) Plus, aren’t you sick of sneaking hootch from your parents’ liquor stash to spike your personal cup of eggnog? Well I am, and that’s why I’ve decided to research a few interesting drink ideas just in time for the break. It’s the perfect way to showcase what you’ve learned at FSU by bringing your folks some new, tasty drink ideas (after all, that’s what going to college is for). Hard Rocker Cider puts a spin on boring, oldfashion warm cider and incorporates tequila. I don’t think you can drink any form of tequila and not get sloshed, so this one’s a keeper. All you need is: 1 cup tequila 4 cups apple cider 1 cup cranberry juice 1/4 cup orange liqueur 1 teaspoon nutmeg Cinnamon stick Like normal cider, heat and stir in a crockpot,
then add cranberry juice cocktail and nutmeg on low just under hot for 2 hours. Make sure not to boil. The best part comes before serving- turn on high for 10 minutes and stir in tequila and liqueur. Garnish with a cinnamon stick and voila! Serves six people, so mom can have some too, and subsequently tell everyone that awkward story about having sex with your dad. Again. Keep the tequila close, because the party doesn’t stop there. You thought hot chocolate was reserved for grade school kids and ice skating rinks? Wrong! Put a spin to this year’s family game night with an adult version of the age-old hot chocolate. This drink is called the Dirty Chocolate and you’ll be slurpin’ them down faster than a whore in a blowjob store. Why not try out another way to mix Mexican booze with holiday fun? All you need is: 1/4 oz tequila 4 ox hot cocoa mix 1/2 oz coffee liqeur Whipped cream Pour all components plus the necessary water for the cocoa into a coffee cup, stir (you can prepare warm if you would like) and top with whipped cream. Ingredients are for one serving, optimum for inconspicuous, solo drinking (a The Black Sheep favorite).
carmen dual wrote this More of a rum drinker? No worries. Say hello to the Frosty Noggin. Unfortunately, for a few of you I’m not referring to a dirty movie that includes questionable scenes with a snowman, but your new favorite drink. Like eggnog? We knew you would. All you need is: 1 1/2 oz rum 3/4 creme de cacao 3 oz eggnog Mix all ingredients together and pour into a parfait glass. Add a few drops of creme de menthe and a fancy rolled cookie for the “wow” factor. You’ll have to answer to “best holiday drink maker, ever” from now on. This next delectable beverage is called the Peppermint Twist. A minty cocoa treat to serve to your folks to butter them up prior to asking for money? Yes, please! Works every time. All you need is: 1 oz peppermint schnapps 1 oz Kahlua 1 oz creme de cacao Fill a shaker half full with ice cubes, pour, shake and strain into a cocktail glass. Take it to the next level and rim the glass with finely-crushed pieces of candy cane. Fancy, shmancy- and not
to mention tasty! It makes us feel all warm and fuzzy inside just thinking about it. Ginger snaps are good, but they make me feel slightly senile or childish when I eat them. Boy oh boy, how rum will change that! Here’s a cocktail that gives holiday cookies a new dunking destination: the Ginger Snap. All you need is: 3/4 oz spiced rum 1/2 oz Ginger flavored brandy 4 oz eggnog Ginger snaps Swirl in a glass, serve and enjoy. With these recipes in hand it’s time to get to raging- an act that’s been around far longer than Christmas has. You hear that Jesus? We’re learning how to really break into the holiday spirits, they were in the liquor cabinet all along.
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the entertainment page the black sheep interviews:
12 planet th
The Black Sheep: How did you get involved making dubstep music? Was there a moment you first heard dubstep and you realized that’s what you wanted to do? 12th Planet: Before the whole dubstep explosion I was producing and DJing drum and bass, my alias was Infiltrata and I was touring really, really hard. I was always going to England, and I was also playing in Europe, Canada, and all over the US. I got to hang out in Europe in 2005 or 2006, and I played this show that had a checkin room with a screen playing this music that sounded like slow drum and bass, and I was like, “What is this stuff?,” like I kind of didn’t like it at first. I just thought it was some sick joke. One of my boys was like “Have you ever heard this music dubstep?” I went to England again to that same place for New Year’s Eve and we saw how fast dubstep was, we heard like 40 different languages in one night. It was people from Slovakia and China and people from Hungary and Amsterdam and France and everyone was there to just support the movement, and this was in 2006? Maybe 2007? That’s when I got hooked, it just blew my mind, everything about it. TBS: How would you describe how dubstep differs from regular electronic music? 12th Planet: The difference was more blatant four or five years ago, but I think where dubstep is now is this kind of melting pot of like electro house and big room house and rave, and drum and bass all put into one. It used to just be noises, like all other electronic music, but it had different BPM, beats per minutes. It has 140 beats per minute, but the people singing are at half-time, like 70 BPM, but the rest of the energy on the track is at 140 BPM. That’s
Rising dubstep DJ, 12th Planet, has more enthusiasm than you could pack into a bottle rocket. This LA native can talk for hours, about getting his DJ name from a book about aliens (“It will fucking change you life. It fucked me up so hard.”) to what he calls his bong (“I think it’s just called ‘The Lakers Bong.’”) But mostly this down-to-earth dude loves making music, preferably with Skrillex at all times of the day, and performing for the masses. Check him out with Skrillex on The Mothership Tour, hitting up towns all around the US.
JESS SOMMERS WROTE THIS
the difference between all the other electronic music and dubstep, the beats per minute. TBS: How do you go about making a new song and new beats? 12th Planet: I just get a little inspiration and smoke a little weed and just start writing. I don’t start with drums or start with bass, I just do whatever I feel like. If I have a sample I’ll start with the sample and build around, but if I have a drum kit that I made I’ll just start with that drum kit, or if I’m messing around with a razor or something that makes a cool noise, I’ll just make a song from there. Sometimes they see the light of day, sometime they don’t. One out of every 15 tracks sees the light of day. TBS: You’re on tour now with Skrillex, and it seems like you guys are pretty good friends. How did you guys meet? 12th Planet: Oh, that’s my bud. That’s a damn good question. He was always that kid that was at the shows and we’d talk about the songs that were playing. Then we saw each other at Coachella like two years ago and he started sending me tracks and I fell in love with them right off the bat. Before he started making beats by himself he was in that band From First to Last which was a vocal project, and in those tracks he had sick production and the songwriting was amazing. So I invited him to come sing his songs on my sets, so we did that two or three times and we’ve just been close every since. He lives in downtown LA, I live in downtown, we have a lot of the same friends. It’s always party time. TBS: What can someone expect from a 12th Planet Show?
thanks for nothing, thanksgiving! Music: Mary J. Blige- My Life II…The Journey Continues Release Date: November 21, 2011 Why It’ll Shut ‘Em Up: The soulful wail of Mrs. Blige is the siren song for recently-broken hearts. Even if you’re serially single, keep this album on repeat— and loud—to make sure that no one joins you in the fake frown town you’ve built. If any siblings don’t fall for the ruse, you’re going to have to recruit them, we suggest offering a 20% cut of whatever your parents give you for pity presents.
12th Planet: Lots of jumping and girls taking their shirts off and crowd-surfing and people rushing the barricade and having so much fun. TBS: Do you have any pre-show rituals or post-show rituals? 12th Planet: I used to just drink a lot, but now I’m just sober for all my shows, so that’s my ritual now. It used to be instead of trying to entertain everybody else it was just me partying and DJing for myself. Now it’s like, since I’m on this tour and playing 5000 capacity rooms you kind of have to be on point and interact with the crowd and have a better performance. So I was like that [inebriated] for the last two or three years but the last couple of months, the last 40 or 50 shows, I’ve been kind of sober. That’s my pre-show ritual now; my post-show ritual is to get drunk. TBS: What’s the first thing you’re drinking? 12th Planet: I’m drinking Stella. It’s my favorite beer, it’s on my rider. That and vodka and sugarfree Red Bull. TBS: What else is on your rider? 12th Planet: A bucket of fried chicken, grape soda, Magnum condoms, watermelon and grapes. TBS: If you could collaborate with anybody dead or alive, who would you pick? 12th Planet: Skrillex, every day of the week. If I could I’d work with him every minute of every day. TBS: So I have a feeling I already know this answer, but if you were trapped in an elevator for 24-hours who is the one person you
wish you were stuck with? 12th Planet: Skrillex, that’s my boy. We’d make that empty elevator a party, we’d probably make music off the level buttons on the elevator, maybe hit the fire alarm a few times. Record it on a phone and call it a day. TBS: In your dressing room, or in life, would you prefer to have a chocolate fountain or a melted cheese fountain? 12th Planet: A chocolate fountain. But the cheese does sound kind of good, too. I can’t answer that question. If it’s nacho cheese to dip nachos in it, then I’m going with that. TBS: Finish this sentence: “Nothing turns me on more than…” 12th Planet: Oh. That’s a tough one. I should go with the obvious, but that’s not interesting. Oh gosh, fuck. I mean… uh… uh… oh god this is tough! TBS: If you want to say “tits and ass” you can say that. 12th Planet: Tits and ass, dude! Let’s go with that. That’s the honest to God truth. Watching Breaking Bad turns me on, too. JESS SOMMERS WROTE THIS
Excited to spend some quality time with the family this Thanksgiving? Didn’t think so. Here’s some Thanksgiving releases that scream, “My media intake is more important than talking to you.” By: Brendan
Movie: The Muppets Release Date: November 23, 2011 Why It’ll Shut ‘Em Up: Your parents grew up during the Muppets’ heyday, back when they’d light up a jay, flip on channel 2 and mellow out before a night on the town. They’ll know exactly why you’re seeing this movie, but will be too scared of potential confrontation to call you out on your motives.
Video Game: Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3 Release Date: November 8, 2011 Why It’ll Shut ‘Em Up: “I swear to shit you little scummy jizz taster, try to come in here again and I’ll fistfuck your decapitated mom’s neckhole.” Your parents will assume the machine gun swearing directed towards 13-year-olds coming from your side of the door is meant for them. They never knew you thought about grandma that way, especially after she died in that horrific guillotine accident.
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the interview
Matt Kearney
We got to chat with Mat Kearney, a passionate 30-something singer/songwriter/storyteller to talk about life as an ever evolving musician. Be sure to check out Kearney’s latest album Young Love, as well as on a tour near you. By: Brendan The Black Sheep: How do you describe yourself as a musician?
Mat Kearney: Not very well. I tend to say I’m a songwriter but when I think “What kind of music?” it’s somewhere between melodic storytelling and beats. I haven’t quite figured out how I fit into the whole thing, I can’t tell if that’s what makes me annoying or endearing, but I’m trying to figure that out myself. TBS: If you were to describe yourself in 5 words to a stranger, what words would you use? MK: Storyteller, epic, melodic, beat-driven, songwriter. TBS: You talk about where you do and do not fit in, and you’ve said that your influences range from Bob Dylan to A Tribe Called Quest. When you write music, do you purposely try to incorporate those contrasting sounds or is it just natural? MK: It’s a natural evolution, it’s reconciling where you’ve come from and what you’re into currently. [When I was young] I was a little skater kid that listened to a lot of hip-hop music and ran around getting arrested for doing graffiti on things, and then I went to college and become a literature major and prided myself on my ability to write. At the core I still love rhythmic story telling but I also fall in love with different kinds of music every day. TBS: Who are some musicians today that you really enjoy? MK: I really love Drake’s last record, if we’re talking about hip-hop. I still think Tom Waits is the greatest living. I really like Adele’s record, I know it’s a huge record. I really enjoy the new Noah and the Whale, too. TBS: How do you go through the songwriting process when it’s just you and your guitar? Do you ever hesitate because there isn’t really someone to check you, or do you like not having to run your ideas past someone else? MK: I think I have a cool thing going because when it comes to sitting down and writing a song by myself there’s a magic in that that happens and I do that. There’s songs like “Learning to Love Again” and “Rochester” on my record that are just me and a guitar in my living room. But a lot of songs that I write, the music is a collaboration. A lot of the record we would sit down and create beats and grooves and changes, almost like a hip-hop record. Then I would take it away and try to write the most gut-wrenching story over the grooves. Maybe we would add guitar later so I had something to do on stage, but there are a lot of collaborations going on. TBS: Do you go into writing a new album with an idea in mind? How much thought goes into an album? MK: It’s much more organic, how the songs come out. Singer/songwriters get boring most of the time, so I knew that I wanted to have moments where you would put this record on in your car and it would make your head bob. But I also knew
CD REVIEW
Out Now
summer camp
Welcome to Condale
We’ll be welcomed back to Summer Camp any day.
Canadian-born confied-to-a-wheelchair-actor turned apparently legitimate Jewish rapper (oh, he’s not exclusively Jewish?) Drake released his second album this week Take Care. Despite his all-around fame (Degrassi, this apparent popular rap, even a role in a freakin’ video game) it seems that little ole’ me has no idea about this dude. His rapping has never been anything worth listening to and upon writing this review, I couldn’t even recall his “one popular song.” Oh, there’s more than one? Go figure. I came into listening to this album with a relatively clean palate. I know that I’ve tried this before – I don’t exactly recall what exactly – but I just know that I didn’t really like it that much. Drake has a really boring voice and has never done anything unique or especially interesting with his music, considering he’s in a genre where it’s acceptable to go HAM and to be on the cutting-edge. With so many shitty wanna-be rappers and over-produced artists out there it’s easy to not catch my attention, which Drake has never done. On top of all of that, Drake’s actual rapping is nothing to write home about, and his attempts at humor (please tell me he isn’t being serious) don’t quite
B+
make the cut like Lil Wayne or Eminem. Look, I can appreciate some hilariously offensive rap lyrics and appreciate them in a creative, poetic way, because rap is essentially rhyming poetry, right? These dudes just write poems about bitches and guns and whatever, right? He raps in the song “Marvin’s Room” that he’s had “sex four times this week.” Wow… neat. In his title song “Take Care” he talks about it being his birthday and that he’ll cry if he wants to… psych! He’ll actually “get high” if he wants to, which is a wonderfully original play on words. The tracks with the interesting collaborations (Andre 3000, Rihanna, Nicki Minaj) are stand-out songs on the album. I guess I’m just not a Drake fan, plain and simple. Hell, he even got a “Best New Music” review from Pitchfork music which, in all honesty, makes me start to question Pichfork’s legitimacy. Oh yeah, I just remembered his one song! He has those lyrics “last name ever, first name greatest” from that Sprite commercial. Good for him. Sounds Like: Really lame rap music. Listen to it When: You’re around Drake fans.
that I wanted to have these stories that had to follow, these gut-wrenching narratives of people. I want one of those people to be myself and those people around me, and I guess that’s all I knew when I set out to make this record. Me falling in love and getting married and that part of my life, there are a lot of songs about that butterfly-in-your-stomach thing, because I was going through that. TBS: How do you strike that balance between experimenting with music and knowing that fans and others above you have expectations of you? MK: I don’t know how to do that, I struggle with that. On this record I didn’t make a licensing record, which I’ve been known to do. I wrote about a lot of specifics and I know that doesn’t always work well when you’re trying to license it, but I just felt like I needed to do that for my own sake and for a story that I wanted to tell. You don’t want to totally change the rules on your fans every record, but I think my voice and my writing approach and the stories I choose to write about, people can relate to that stylistically and also emotionally. TBS: How is the touring lifestyle different for someone who plays on stage alone? MK: We’re a 5-piece band and it’s pretty rock-heavy; I more model myself after Bruce Springsteen then Bob Dylan. I’ve had guys that have played with me for six years and they are some of my best friends and they play on my records. It’s an interesting existence because at the end of the day you have the final say, but there’s a lot of times where it’s very democratic process, much like a band. I don’t think I get the full benefit of the camaraderie that comes with being in a band; there’s some days where this is a job for some people, and with all the traveling it gets lonely. I try to level the playing field so they feel respected as band members on stage. It’s a weird distance. I think the way I’ve gotten around it is just hiring really good friends. TBS: If you had the opportunity to collaborate with someone living or dead, who would you choose? MK: Bruce Springsteen or Jay-Z. It’d be exciting. TBS: If tomorrows aliens come to planet Earth and they chose you to fight for the survival of the world with any one thing, what topic do you take them on in? MK: I would put them in a navigational challenge – I am like Magellan in my head, man. Meet me anywhere, and I know exactly what direction we are in. I know where I am at all moments, it’s kind of spooky to people. I know the quickest route to everywhere we’re going, always. TBS: What goes on your perfect sandwich? MK: It would be pepper turkey, Muenster cheese, lettuce, red onions, balsamic vinegar. Classic. It works every time.
madlib: prepping for thanksgiving 1. Hardest class 2. Campus bar 3. Roommate 4. Favorite professor 5. Recent hookup 6. Bodily function 7. Article of clothing 8. Kitchen item 9. Hometown bar 10. High school name 11. Cheapest booze ever 12. High school enemy
Wow, I am so excited for Thanksgiving break. Right after my _____1_____ test, I am going to hit up _____2_____ with _____3_____ and _____4_____ for a final night hoorah. Hopefully I won’t see _____5_____, because last time we met, I ended up _____6_____ in my _____7_____, and woke up wearing a _____8_____ for some reason? Weird. Anyway, once I get home, I plan on meeting up with the old crew. We already have plans to go to _____9_____ and _____10_____, and definitely drink some _____11_____ like we used to do back in the day. I also heard that _____12_____ gained at least _____13_____ pounds, and that _____14_____ is pregnant! So, I have to see them so I can make some jokes. As for Thanksgiving, well, I just hope that crazy Uncle _____15_____ doesn’t show up. Last time he came over, I swear he wanted to touch my _____16_____ while _____17_____ watched. He always asks creepy questions about my _____18_____, which just seems so strange. Anyway, after dinner, I hope we get to watch _____19_____, it’s my favorite movie by far. If we don’t, I’m just going to take all the extra _____20_____ from dinner, sit in the _____21_____, and go to town until I puke on myself. Sounds like the perfect break to me! I just hope it doesn’t go by too fast; I want to make sure I have enough time to _____22_____ _____23_____ and _____24_____, like old times!
13. Number 14. High school slut 15. Weird uncle 16. Body part 17. Cousin 18. Article of clothing 19. Cartoon movie 20. Food 21. Room 22. Sexual activity 23. High school hookup 23. High school teacher
Meet The Staff! campus manager James Tufenkdjian
Advertising Manager Skylar Fillmore editorial Manager Megan Fontaine Writers Bryce Josepher Harley Shine Stephanie Hernandez Samantha Malone Evans Prater Ashley Romano Jill Bordonaba Jason Montes distribution Team Micheal Fury (Manager) Gordon Safko (Intern)
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Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or underage drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
the Quiz 1. The last time you did laundry was:
a. I’ve got a load in right now, don't you? b. A couple weeks ago. c. Haha… oh wait, you’re serious? I've been wearing my bathing suit for weeks now...
2. When you hear the phrase, “pulling an all nighter,” you think... a. Welcome to my life. b. Are we talking about sex? 'Cause if so, that happened last night. And the night before. c. Yeah, I did one of those once, I think…
3. You talk to your friends from home...
results
How badly do you need Thanksgiving Break? b. During breaks, if you're lucky. c. We all go to the same school. Best friends for life!
4. The last time you had a solid home cooked meal was... a. Last night, if you count Chili’s. b. The other night; I have all of mom's recipes, it's great! c. A few weeks ago when I went home to see mommy and daddy.
5. Your bank account goes up when... a. I work double shifts...you know... b. It never goes up, only down (insert sexual joke here). c. I spend “quality time” with the relatives and make them feel bad about how poor I am.
a. Every week at the same time, like you planned after graduation.
8-12 points: aren't i on break now?
6. A typical night's sleep con- Wait. I haven't been to class in weeks and mom and dad keep sending me food, booze, and money...why do I want sists of... a. Listening to your neighbor get it on with yet another random person. b. You completely passed out from a night of partying. c. You waking up to your roommate's alarm at 6AM.
7. Your personal theme song is… a. Wiz Kalifa "No Sleep" b. Jay-Z/Kanye "In Paris" c. Skrillex "Scary Monsters"
8. Your favorite Modern Family Character is...
a. Phil b. Gloria c. Manny
Answers
1. a1 b2 c3 2. a3 b2 c1 3. a2 b3 c1 4. a3 b1 c2 5. a1 b2 c3 6. a2 b1 c3 7. a1 b3 c2 8. a2 b3 c1
to go home? I guess it will be nice to throw back a few with pops and have mom buy me some new shoes, but I'll live without driving all the way back for a few days of boredom. Screw it! I can get a Thanksgiving dinner at TGI Friday's, right? That seems like a way better idea, plus I can keep my 3-month bender going! 13-17 points: i think I could use a break I'm not desperate to get home, but it would be nice to see the gang from high school, go to the old hangout, and get into some trouble around town. I might stick around here for a few days before getting back, because let's be serious, there's only so much of mom and dad I can really handle! 18-24 points : I need thanksgiving break now! I need to get the hell out of here before my stomach caves in from lack of nutrition and my dirty laundry attacks me. Seriously, my life is getting out of control and I can't handle working all morning, going to class all afternoon, studying all evening, and then watching everyone else get some action at night. I need to get home, eat some food, and call up that old hookup from high school right now!
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