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• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 2, Issue 4 3/15/12 - 3/29/12
theblacksheeponline.com @BlackSheepFSU
the real legend of st. patrick’s day evans prater wrote this
Don’t you think that before you go wasting what few dollars you have on green booze you should learn a little bit about why you’re doing it in the first place? After all, there’s a lot of history that goes into America’s best holiday full of liquor-laced-lovemaking and beer-broughten-banging. So put down that cocktail and take a minute to discover just why you’re not going to remember the next few hours of your life — here’s the real story of how St. Patrick’s Day came to be. The dude who later became known as a saint was born in Ireland in the late 4th century (that’s the 300s for you scholars out there) in then-Roman-ruled Britain, and was known for his proclivity for beer consumption. From a young age, he could be found replacing his curds and whey with entire mugs of beer, and started kicking his dad’s ass in chugging contests as early as age 8. At 16 he was kidnapped by some Irish raider-guys who really just wanted him for their local drinking team. By age 17, Patrick’s team, “The Mr. Potato Men,” was champion of the Staffordshire County Beer Olympics, and by 18 he was competing in the Irish National Beer Olympics. His specialties included “Quarters” (then called “Gold pieces with a picture of some Roman guy on them”), “Das Boot” (at the time “Leather Boot Chug”, with a real leather boot), and “Beer Pong” (they didn’t have ping-pong balls so they used solid balls of wood and threw them at each other’s testicles. Whoever got hit had to chug a beer while attempting not to fall over in pain or puke). However, Patrick’s life took a sharp turn one fateful evening. He was stumbling home from the pub after making some Robin Hood wannabes look like a bunch of douches in a game of “Duck the Feeler” (a medieval version of “Fuck the Dealer” where you literally had to duck around one guy who ran around the room blindfolded and tried to touch your balls. Weird, we know), when he encountered a leprechaun. “Oi, how’r doin’ ther Mister Patrick?!” “Gooj fren... say, ’r yew a leberkon?” “Why yes! Me is. Foller me if yer wantin’ adventure!” Patrick was indeed adventurous, and even more so drunk. So, he followed the leprechaun to his little leprechaun lair. The sun was
just coming up and Patrick could see a rainbow rising, the end of which was in the direction they were heading. “Ij mus be trew!” His drunken brain conceived. “Is der lossa gold wher we goin mister leberkon?” “Why YES, m’boy! Yes yes, larts a gold!” After a while they reached the end of the rainbow, and not only was there a pot of gold, “Skittles started to fall from the sky and Patrick was overcome with elation.” (Patrick, 3:19) “Ee! Hee-hee! Yee! Haha! Hee!” He said as he jumped for joy, taking piles of Skittles and gold and throwing them in the air mindlessly, still drunk. Patrick was very tired though, and the leprechaun man let him play for awhile, just waiting for him to fall asleep on top of the small pile of gold beneath him.
A few hours later Patrick woke up, blinking his eyes and attempting to get his bearings. “Ware da hell arm eye?” He thought, forgetting the shenanigans that had precluded his slumber. “He’s waken! He’s waken!” He heard a bunch of little leprechaun voices say. He noticed he couldn’t move. His hands, feet, legs and arms had been tied down with little leprechaun knots. “Whart the fark?!” He yelled. “Lemme out’r herr!” But the leprechauns just smiled and laughed at Patrick and called him a douchebag. “Hah, you actually followed us here!” They yelled. Patrick’s self esteem was beaten to a pulp. “Har could I’uh been so shtewpid?! Gar!” He yelled, spitting on the leprechaun’s little heads. “Well, do warth me whatcha will, ya little green bastards!” He yelled.
continued on page 9
Other stuff
Inside
A new challenger approaches! see page 7
Follow the bouncing penis and sing along! see page 6
Full Frontal for the Full Money
Hot New Tallahassee Clubs!
NOT a penis enhancement scam! see page 15
Issues That Only Concern Old White Men