The Black Sheep • a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 2, Issue 5 3/29/12 - 4/12/12
fou Free nd! ...li Oh ke wa tha it. t d .. t oll hat ar ’s a you poo just dol lar .
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Parking Enforcement, What douchebags carmen dual wrote this
Realizing that you just kicked that pop quiz’s ass, (congrats on actually reading the assignment the night before) you triumphantly exit the confines of your last class of the day. You find a ten dollar bill on the ground as you cut through the Union, and when you arrive at Strozier to print a document, you have no problem finding an open computer. Unlike every time prior, there’s plenty of money on your FSUCard, and you are the first in line to print as twenty people pile up behind you. Walking towards the parking garage, sporadic patches of clouds block the rays of the blazing Tallahassee sun across Landis Green. The humidity is less threatening on this particular day as a light breeze dances through the air. Groups are meandering across the Green with books, Frisbees, and really adorable puppies. Even the birds are chirping melodically while two twitchy squirrels procreate. If you’re not mistaken, it’s a really awesome day. Classes are done and your early class the following day is canceled. An afternoon of beer pong at the pool awaits you. As you walk to your car, unconsciously humming a tune by Katy Perry, you get a text from your roommate, but before you get a chance to glance at it - shit! You realize you fed $2 worth of change into the meter this morning. The urgent rush of worry quickly diminishes as you glance at the time on your phone. According to your iPhone, you have a solid minute before the meter clicks to zero. You begin to gather your keys in preparation of boarding your car to an afternoon of drinks by the pool and now, according to the text from your roommate, also a ginormous Momo’s pizza that requires your help. As you round the corner - Holy shit, FSU parking enforcement. What the hell is that guy standing by your car for? Wait, he’s not. No, don’t tell me he’s doing what it looks like he’s doing. A ticket? Writing a ticket? You’ve got to be joking. “Um, excuse me, sir, but I believe the meter has a minute left on it or it must have just ran out,” you say as you reach seeing distance to the meter. It says expired. “Yup,” the middle-aged man with pit stains declares. “Yes, what? That it just expired?” “Yup. I watched it.”
Other stuff
Inside
FSU’S Perfect Poops
“You watched it? As in you were sitting here, waiting for my time to countdown to zero?” “Yup.” “Wait, sir, I mean that’s a little unfair don’t you think? To sit here until my time runs out? It couldn’t have been more than thirty seconds that the meter was at zero.” “It still said zero.” “Please understand, I just left class and went to print a really important document in Strozier; the line to print was outrageous. Please, don’t make me pay $30 for 30 seconds, sir. Can’t you just let this one go? ” you plead. Of course this shit would happen. Here you are on the way to a fantastic day, poolside, and this douche comes and projectile vomits all over it. “Nope,” He casually announces as he flings back your windshield wiper and sticks the white paper behind it. A smirk creeps over his face with the thump of your wiper against the windshield. You glare at him. It took you 30 minutes to find that
perfectly legal spot. He glares back. Your eyes pierce his, while he returns an equally as menacing glance. It’s official; you’re in a stare-off with one of FSU’s finest assholes. His alarm watch beeped- it’s 3 p.m. “Shift is over. Nice doing business with you,” the greasy man says as he begins to un-button his work shirt, a dingy white tank top sitting underneath. He removes his cap, revealing short horns that stick out from the upper sides of his forehead. His nails simultaneously grow to long points and his eyes become completely white. He hops in the parking enforcement golf cart and a secret passage door becomes visible on the adjacent wall of the parking deck. The man drives full speed towards the wall, his wheels wreathed in flames. A voice from the darkness within the secret passage calls to him, laughing over his victory. Menacing voices and sinister laughs echo throughout the parking deck. The man returns to the place where parking enforcement inhabit.
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