FSU - 3/29/12 - v02i05 by The Black Sheep

The Black Sheep • a college newspaper that’s actually about college •

Volume 2, Issue 5 3/29/12 - 4/12/12

fou Free nd! ...li Oh ke wa tha it. t d .. t oll hat ar ’s a you poo just dol lar .

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Parking Enforcement, What douchebags carmen dual wrote this

Realizing that you just kicked that pop quiz’s ass, (congrats on actually reading the assignment the night before) you triumphantly exit the confines of your last class of the day. You find a ten dollar bill on the ground as you cut through the Union, and when you arrive at Strozier to print a document, you have no problem finding an open computer. Unlike every time prior, there’s plenty of money on your FSUCard, and you are the first in line to print as twenty people pile up behind you. Walking towards the parking garage, sporadic patches of clouds block the rays of the blazing Tallahassee sun across Landis Green. The humidity is less threatening on this particular day as a light breeze dances through the air. Groups are meandering across the Green with books, Frisbees, and really adorable puppies. Even the birds are chirping melodically while two twitchy squirrels procreate. If you’re not mistaken, it’s a really awesome day. Classes are done and your early class the following day is canceled. An afternoon of beer pong at the pool awaits you. As you walk to your car, unconsciously humming a tune by Katy Perry, you get a text from your roommate, but before you get a chance to glance at it - shit! You realize you fed $2 worth of change into the meter this morning. The urgent rush of worry quickly diminishes as you glance at the time on your phone. According to your iPhone, you have a solid minute before the meter clicks to zero. You begin to gather your keys in preparation of boarding your car to an afternoon of drinks by the pool and now, according to the text from your roommate, also a ginormous Momo’s pizza that requires your help. As you round the corner - Holy shit, FSU parking enforcement. What the hell is that guy standing by your car for? Wait, he’s not. No, don’t tell me he’s doing what it looks like he’s doing. A ticket? Writing a ticket? You’ve got to be joking. “Um, excuse me, sir, but I believe the meter has a minute left on it or it must have just ran out,” you say as you reach seeing distance to the meter. It says expired. “Yup,” the middle-aged man with pit stains declares. “Yes, what? That it just expired?” “Yup. I watched it.”

Other stuff

Inside

FSU’S Perfect Poops

“You watched it? As in you were sitting here, waiting for my time to countdown to zero?” “Yup.” “Wait, sir, I mean that’s a little unfair don’t you think? To sit here until my time runs out? It couldn’t have been more than thirty seconds that the meter was at zero.” “It still said zero.” “Please understand, I just left class and went to print a really important document in Strozier; the line to print was outrageous. Please, don’t make me pay $30 for 30 seconds, sir. Can’t you just let this one go? ” you plead. Of course this shit would happen. Here you are on the way to a fantastic day, poolside, and this douche comes and projectile vomits all over it. “Nope,” He casually announces as he flings back your windshield wiper and sticks the white paper behind it. A smirk creeps over his face with the thump of your wiper against the windshield. You glare at him. It took you 30 minutes to find that

perfectly legal spot. He glares back. Your eyes pierce his, while he returns an equally as menacing glance. It’s official; you’re in a stare-off with one of FSU’s finest assholes. His alarm watch beeped- it’s 3 p.m. “Shift is over. Nice doing business with you,” the greasy man says as he begins to un-button his work shirt, a dingy white tank top sitting underneath. He removes his cap, revealing short horns that stick out from the upper sides of his forehead. His nails simultaneously grow to long points and his eyes become completely white. He hops in the parking enforcement golf cart and a secret passage door becomes visible on the adjacent wall of the parking deck. The man drives full speed towards the wall, his wheels wreathed in flames. A voice from the darkness within the secret passage calls to him, laughing over his victory. Menacing voices and sinister laughs echo throughout the parking deck. The man returns to the place where parking enforcement inhabit.

looking for the best place to go? we got you covered.

how to bounce back from your spring break shenanigans.

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see page 6

From Broke to Stoked

Veganism is SO mainstream. see page 12

Are You Mad About Petitions, Too?

Table of > > > PAGE 04>>>

The Black Sheep Investigates: Jimbo Fisher’s Raise

PAGE 06>>

The Top Ten: April Fool’s Jokes

page 10 >>

Sweep’s Season: Marry, Kill, Bang

page 11 >>

The Black Sheep Interview: Bad Veins

page 13 >>

Bartender of the Issue

contents 4

Because YOU certainly don’t make this school look good.

passive aggressively get back at that floormate you despise and blame it on a holiday!

our breakdown of shows we’re cool with, shows we wanna get busy with, and shows we wanna smack the crap out of.

These Cincinnati boys may have bad veins, but they have great music.

Jessica from That One Bar hates lurkers who don’t chat because she’s trying to get her gab on, you know?

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Definition: One’s inability to understand the reasoning behind a hook-up the next day. Days later, Molly couldn’t figure out why she had slept with Kevin; it was inexdickable.

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The Black Sheep Investigates: Jimbo Fisher’s Raise J.N. Bordonaba WROTE THIS

Okay, I get it. March Madness just ended and, if you’re like me, you have no interest in basketball unless it involves a team made up of Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck, and Michael Jordan (the real “Dream Team”). But basketball season is still cause for celebration, not because of any championship brouhaha, but because it means that football season is even closer! Just a mere six months until we all go back to tomahawk chopping in the sweltering sun and vomiting in front of the “Unconquered” statue (like a true ‘Nole). That means another football season that will be slightly better than last season, give or take some Hail Marys, both on the field and off. It’s the best we can hope for. And let’s not forget that we’ve got coach Jimbo Fisher on our side, right? He’ll bring us to victory! Or at least he’d better, with all that money he’s got. A few months ago it was revealed that Fisher got a $1 million raise at the end of last season, making his salary a cool $2.8 million. But where did that money come from? Upon hearing the news, I decided to investigate the source of the incredible income. I’ll admit, I was a bit distracted by the whole Kwanzaa/New Year’s/Black History Month/spring break drinking binge, but rest assured that my investigation turned out to be damn thorough, and that what it lacks in timeliness it makes up for in detail. I Angela Landsburyied that shit. It’d be easy to say that our tuition hikes are all because of Jimbo’s raise, but my investigation turned out some far more sketchy results. Where did that extra million come from? Why don’t we look at: Those Obscene Printing Fees: If you’ve ever attempted to print something off a public printer, you have my condolences. The lack of time, your refusal to buy more printer ink, and/or your professor’s insistence on turning in paper assignments have forced you to use the printer at one of the many computer labs on campus. At these printing stations those damned card readers will have you coughing up an arm and a leg and, in turn, contributing directly to ol’ Jimbo’s nice big raise. Try mentioning this to your old fashioned English professor whose idea of “football” is a bunch of guys running around a field until someone gets fed up and head butts another player.

FSU Parking Tickets: So you had to drop something off at the stadium and left your car parked next to a tree in the parking lot outside for just ten short minutes. In the few moments while you were gone, a parking ninja swooped down on your car and left a ticket sporting a hefty fine (turns out you’re in a handicapped spot and no one is fooled by that handmade handicapped parking permit you fashioned out of decoupage). Instead of cursing the parking ninjas, perhaps you should try blaspheming Jimbo Fisher’s name, as all of those annoying fines are going straight to his paycheck. The Fisher Fountain Federation Fund: While drunkenly stumbling into Westcott Fountain, have you ever noticed the spare change sitting at the bottom? You probably haven’t, because a covert group of individuals (the parking ninjas’ second job, most likely) have combed through all of the fountains, bus stops, urinals, what have you, for spare change to throw into the Jimbo Fisher Fountain Federation Fund. You might be thinking that this is a very inefficient way to raise money, or that there can’t possibly be enough money in those fountains to grab in the first place. But you shouldn’t underestimate the psychological effect that fountains have on tourists and small children. How much do those fountains ring in a year? Oh, I’d say close to a million dollars. FSU Robberies: A nearly daily occurrence, we’re notified of some armed robbery having taken place on or near campus. The crimes are pretty much identical - some FSU student walking around campus in the middle of the night is approached by two men, either on foot or in a very nondescript automobile, and is asked to relinquish their belongings. The student always complies, regardless of whether the men are armed or not. Sure, Tallahassee is a cesspool of crime, but isn’t the identical nature of all of these muggings just a tad too suspicious? That’s because these two robbers are actually robots designed to take all of the money and valuables from FSU students and put it right into Jimbo Fisher’s paycheck. Think of those sketchy criminals as a modern day Robin Hood and Little John. In fact, those are probably their names.

Think you might be pregnant?

FSU Lost and Found: Have you ever lost anything on campus only to quickly discover that your valuable disappeared off of the face of the earth? Well, rest assured that its worth, be it whatever cash you had in your purse or wallet or your brand new iPod, went to a noble cause, thanks to those damn Fisher ninjas and robbing robots. But in this case, it’s fair game. Finders, keepers. Let’s just hope our offense finds the end zone next season. When it’s all said and done, the majority of currently-enrolled Seminoles believe in the Jimbo Fisher era, even with that ridiculous name. When many of us would give an arm or a leg for a national championship, what’s a quarter here and there?

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fsu’s perfect poops Jason montes wrote this

About the Author: I have a weird emotional bond to the pooping process. This probably has something to do with some memory from when my mom and dad praised me the first time I used the potty like a big boy. Amazed by the different shapes of poop my body could produce, I studied my creations like romantics staring at clouds. It was almost a sin to flush away. To this day doing the business is more than just business. It’s a sacred ritual that leaves me feeling renewed with energy afterward. In order for the ritual to be a success, the ambiance has to be right: because I’m prone to stage fright the lights can’t be too bright and the temperature can’t be below 70 degrees. This is why public bathrooms freak me out. If you factor in undergrads, grads, teachers, staff, and visitors, there can be over 40,000 people on FSU at any given point. That means there is average of 15,000 people coming in and out of bathrooms every hour. After extensive research measuring crowd control and examining bathrooms all across campus I’ve created a list to help picky poopers like myself find exceptional dump spots around FSU. Pat Thomas Planetarium: It’s unlikely you’ll run into anyone you know here and thus you’ll avoid any awkward stare-offs. I bet most students didn’t even know we had a planetarium. It’s located in the Richards building, across the Quad from the Keen building. What makes this place special is that the rim of the toilet seats are painted black. It’s an odd detail that holds the mystique of such places like the Eiffel Tower and is worth repeat visits. Ruby Diamond Auditorium: I like my bathroom like I like my woman: clean, quiet, and under 16 years old. The auditorium was renovated last year and you actually feel like royalty sitting on these thrones. This is luxury at its finest. It’s conveniently located right across from

Suwannee. Cawthon: This bathroom is cleaner than most bathrooms in your average home. Weekdays from 9-10 a.m., these bathrooms are closed down for a scrub down. For people that get nervous in stalls, this is a one-toilet-per-room deal. Your own private work space. For people that are paranoid about their own noise, there are trumpet players and obnoxious singers all around. This is located in a music dorm so access is limited. You might have to pull out some creeper ninja maneuvers by clinging to the main entrances in order to get in, but it’s worth it if you really need your own space. Mystery Bathroom: I’m scared if I give away all of these “secret” locations then I might piss off some underground society of pious bathroom guarders. Let’s just say that I’m typing this sentence in this bathroom right now. Kony 2012: Not because they ruined viral videos with good intentions. Not because they suckered everyone from Brad Pitt to your mom to donate money for a cheap wristband. Not because they exploited their own kids, no matter how adorable, in order to achieve a personal voice in their cheesy film making style. Not because their rapid popularity, followed by immanent backlash, toyed with your inner morality, leaving you utterly confused on the issue. But because nothing feels more intrinsically satisfying than a flaming turd. Worst places: Community bathrooms, HCB, and Strozier. Honorable mentions: Third floor student union, any of the newer buildings like the Chemistry, Psychology, and Medical departments. Poop in peace, people!

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From Broke to Stoked:

How to keep going out despite the fact you spent all your cash on spring break hookers Chelsea Onik wrote this

Pay Attention to Fat Chicks | Level of Difficulty: 2 Success Rate: 46% And no, not the ones with pretty faces. Here’s the thing, if you’re a chick, there are tons of ways to get guys to buy you drinks, but for guys, the free vodka cranberry train comes around a lot less often (as in, never, ever). The thing is, it’s actually pretty easy for a guy to get a free drink, it just won’t actually be his drink. If you are a witty dude take the time to stumble up to a girl who hasn’t been hit on and start talking. After a minute of your charm, ask to try her drink. Next, keep talking and slowly start referring to it as “our drink” (as in “Hey love, where did you put our drink”). Pretty soon the rounds will keep refilling and you’ll be a heinous heir to half. You sly little dog. Play a Ballsy Game of Minesweeper | Level of Difficulty: 0 Success Rate: ? Mmm, just like the old days in your middle school computer lab; hell, you might be drunk off nostalgia already. For those of you that are still quite the reckless right-clicking rebels, this might be an idea that appeals to you. I haven’t done this... I mean, you probably shouldn’t do this... I mean, you definitely

April Fool’s Jokes 10) The “Fake-Up”: Right when you wake up next to your girlfriend on that special day, tell her she smells like a trash can full of tampons in the Leach Center. Then say, “I just can’t take it anymore, I’m sorry. Well, not really.” Then storm out. Let her cry for a few minutes then call or text her: “Surprise!” 9) Lub Letter: E-mail one of your professors a deep, heartfelt love letter. Tell them you’ve been waiting all semester and now you finally realize that you only live once, that you think about them on the treadmill, while you’re making toast, and while you’re alone. In bed. Let them think it’s true until the end of class that day, then remind them it’s the first of April.

It’s that point of the year again - motha lovin’ crunch time. That’s right, folks, the last bit of the semester is forcibly creeping up on you like a new pledge. There are a lot of viable excuses coming out of co-ed’s mouths as to why the beginning of April is a lull, a dud, a valley between the crested peaks of party mountain. It makes sense: we narrowly survived spring break and now things are slowing down. People are tired, people are sunburnt, people are finally showing the symptoms for the STDs they picked up. Mostly, people are broke. I get it, pimpin’ in Panama City ain’t free. Well fear not, people, I am nothing if not a hero. As long as dignity’s not an issue (and I know it’s not) here are a few genius ways to stay swagger rich when you’re penny poor. Get back out there, Tallahassee! Let’s get drunk! Preferably at little to no cost! Bring Back Rumrunning | Level of Difficulty: 4 Success Rate: 85% If pirates can do it so can you... if you’re a badass, that is. Rumrunning, or bootlegging for you technical folks, is an easy way to get leftover alcohol you have already purchased for your apartment into the club to keep up the buzz. The key is to master the container. Flasks are easy to find, notice, and confiscate, but there are alternatives. My personal and proven favorites are Buddy Fruits. For those of you that don’t know, Buddy Fruits are weird looking packets of squeezable fruit found in the produce aisle of Publix or Wal-mart. Simply eat the fruit (yuck, vitamins) and fill the container with pure booze. To everyone in the area it looks like you are a kooky hipster pulling out a snack, but really you’re still a bro getting blasted. Plus, if you get caught you can always give an obnoxious lecture on organics until the bouncer deems you harmless... or do the honorable thing and scream “Sorry for party rocking”. There are also a lot of professional smuggling devices available on the interwebs - flasks that look like cameras and such, but if you get any of those you’re probably just a rich kid pretending to be poor who needs to buck up, spend that money right, and buy his own drinks like a big boy.

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8) Designated Drunk: Start speeding and swerving all over the road at 9 a.m. until you get pulled over. When the cop asks you to roll down your window, pretend you just passed out while he was walking to the car. When he asks you a question, alternate between the phrases “I lub you choo mom” and “It does what it’s told!” until he asks you to walk a straight line. Then break it to him. 7) Poopie Surprise: Tightly spread Saran Wrap over the top of the toilet bowl, then place the lid over it, so it looks like you can still pee or poop. Wait til your roommate or whoever goes to use it, then whip out your camera and record their reaction while standing just outside the bathroom door - then make them clean it up.

shouldn’t do this... I mean, don’t do this. DON’T DO IT. It’s stupid, dangerous, and you should never ever do it, BUT I hear it is possible to just wander around the club and sip on some discarded drinks as you find them. I hear it might get you pretty drunk. I also hear Russian Roulette is kind of a thrill too... Anyway, good thing I’m here to tell you what a bad idea this is. So, don’t do it...right?!? Employ the Romeo and Juliet Method | Level of Difficulty: 8 Success Rate: 2% “I will kiss thy lips. Haply some poison yet doth hang on them,” anyone? Anyone? For those of you that aren’t familiar with the last scene of Shakespeare’s heart-wrenching tragedy of star-crossed lovers, the concept is simple. Merely go up to people the second after they take a swig and plant a big one right on their lips, hopefully catching some booze along the way. This method, though hilarious to watch, obviously has many flaws. The first being fans of Shakespeare usually can’t get people to make out with them. The second being it’s kind of rapey. Take Advantage of Your Friends | Level of Difficulty: 6 Success Rate: 99% When ingenuity and cleverness are just too much of a hassle there is always the time-proven bonds of friendship. It’s best to adapt to your chump’s (I mean chum’s) personality and seamlessly manipulate them using a brilliant combination of all the hopes, dreams, and fears that they told you against them. When you can’t do that, you can always sneakily switch out your friend’s drink for the non-alcoholic look alike whenever they ask you to hold it. For instance if you’re handed a rum and Coke, chug it immediately, go buy a Coke, give them that instead. Gin and tonic? You guessed it, they gets tonic. College mates, we only have a few more weeks until it’s time for our summer jobs to slowly but surely replenish our bank accounts. Our time spent as meager-drinking faux-scholastics is coming to an end; it’s best that we remember none of it.

6) STD Fake Out: Tell your significant other you just got tested and found out you contracted herpes from a prior random hookup, and that they probably have it too. Then tell them that pimple on their upper lip looks pretty suspicious. Let them worry all day before you remind them how much of an asshole you are. 5) Terminal Call: E-mail your parents the night before and tell them you’d like to have a call with them tomorrow morning. Wait until they’re at work, then make sure they both have you on speakerphone, and tell them in your best possible sad voice, “Mommy, Daddy, I don’t know how to tell you this, but they found a lump on my brain. It’s cancer.” Get one of your friends to be your fake doctor to provide a realistic-sounding diagnosis. Don’t tell them otherwise until they get home. 4) Lottery Celebration: You’ve probably seen the YouTube video: tape the lottery numbers from the night before, then go out with your friend and get him a ticket with those numbers. Sit him down that night, put the tape on while he’s in the bathroom, just in time for him to get back. Record the celebration and make sure you get the tears at the end. 3) Preggo: If you’re a girl, this one’s easy. Just call your boyfriend crying and tell him you’re pregnant. And that he may not be the dad. Bonus points if you can score a fake positive pregnancy test and double bonus if you can get him to call his parents and get the extra fake-out. 2) Hottie Fake: Go on Craigslist and find a fat, single guy who wants a date. Tell one of your friends you have this super hot, really cool dude that’s single and you’ve set them up on a date. Get the two to meet at a pretty public location somewhere you can hide and watch the hilarity unfold. 1) Fake Suicide: Right before your roommate gets home, fill the bathtub with water and dye it red. Put an old stereo or other electronic device in it, then get in and close your eyes. Make some fake note that just says something like, “The steak wasn’t rare enough” and place a small recording device just past the door. Wait ‘til your roommate finds you and laugh as they call 9-1-1.

evans prater wrote this

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From 'da Streets You’ve been around this campus for a while. What’s the most shocking thing you’ve seen? “It’s a tossup between the late-night skinny dipping and being surrounded by neon-colored soap bubbles.” - The Westcott Fountain Girl

d D S en N A View om our fr Pics pp! A

“TAILGATING. I know the alcohol limits of every freshman to ever attend this school.” - Unconquered Chief Osceola

“I was going to say something else, but I do believe the bird that just shat on my head takes the cake.” - Doak Campbell

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Live Music! Ladies Drink Free til 1AM | Guys get $5 Beer Pitchers & $5 Liquor Pitchers | $7 Top Shelf Liquor Pitchers

Everyday: 2-4-1 Everything!

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Blue Monday! $6 Double Wells $2 Shots

Happy Hour Every Weekday from 4-7! $5 Pitchers, $.49 Wings 2-4-1 Wells, Wine, and Pints

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Happy Hour from 4-7! $5 Pitchers, $.49 Wings 2-4-1 Wells, Wine, and Pints Karaoke 8-2!

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Happy Hour from 4-7! $5 Pitchers, $.49 Wings 2-4-1 Wells, Wine, and Pints Come Enjoy Live Music!

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Hospitality Night $2 Domestics, $3 Imports $3 Wells

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Live Music! $3 Cover $5 Beer Pitchers $5 Liquor Pitchers $7 Top Shelf Pitchers Open 10pm-2am

$6 Pitchers $0.50 Wings 2-4-1 Everything! (margaritas, margarones, drafts, house tequila shots, wells, and more!)

Blue Monday! $6 Double Wells $2 Shots

Happy Hour $5 Pitchers, $.49 Wings 2-4-1 Wells, Wine, and Pints from 4-7 Come Play Trivia 7-9

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Rockstar Karaoke 10-2 $2 Yuengling Drafts No Cover

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Ladies Night! $3 Cover Ladies Drink Free Until 1AM Guys get $5 Beer Pitchers and $5 Liquor Pitchers $7 Top Shelf Liquor Pitchers

Winning Wednesday Free Champaign/Wine for Ladies $7 Dble Captain Morgan $6 Fish Bowls, $2 Shots $2 Domestics, $3 Imports

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TUES

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Sweeps Season: With sweeps season upon us we decided to highlight the best, the worst and the rest of first-season shows the only way we know how: In the most juvenile way possible.

Happy Endings (ABC) In a sentence: Attractive twenty-somethings act like attractive twenty-somethings.

Marry, Bang, Kill Edition Marry!

The show is full of plausible scenarios executed in funny ways. Remember early episodes of How I Met Your Mother, before you just wanted the damn show to end so Ted Mosby could just get on with his miserable life? That’s Happy Endings now. It shows how goofy assumedly normal people can be in

Why we’re proposing: Sure, you may not like Zooey Deschanel. “She’s too purposely quirky!” you say. “Even when she’s supposed to be upset, she comes off like a sad koala!” says another person. “Her acting skills are ruff at best!” says the dog TV critic. To you we say, “Who gives a shit?”

their private lives. Not all investment bankers are huge dicks? You don’t say! A food truck owner that doesn’t have to be some overly-quirky buffoon hellbend on remaining that way? Zuh? A comedy based in reality, teased out to be funny? Well, we’ll be damned.

Person of Interest (CBS) Bang! In a sentence: The weird guy from Lost hires Jesus to kick some ass and take some names.

Altruistic genius billionaire conceives of a way to identify villains and victims prior to crimes being committed. As a result, he hires an ex-CIA field officer It’s certainly a lot closer than one would think. Yet, the show kinda-sorta works. Person of Interest to take care of his dirty work. sticks closely to its premise, is well-casted, and presents interesting scenarios with each new epiOr, sode. It’s not perfect, but there are a lot of hours to fill in a programming schedule, and to fill them Well-endowed lesbian nuns fly armed-to-the-teeth cyborg dragons through space in an attempt to rid the without making the viewer want to throw their remote through the TV with disgust is certain worthy universe of alien pedophiles. of some praise.?

2 Broke Girls (CBS)

Kill!

There’s the flat premise: Life is hard for two gals just a-tryin to make it in the big city, LOL! There’s the oddly racist ensemble cast featuring

Or, think about it this way: Without Miss. D. New Girl would be terrible. Replace her with Laura Prepon? Horrible. Jenna Fischer? Surely you jest! That one girl from that other thing? No way! The show isn’t terrible, and we can all thank her for that. Heil, er…thanks, Zooey!

Up All Night (NBC)

Bang!

But strip those cast members away and look at where Up All Night stands right now. Eh. Maybe it’s the subject matter—it’s hard to relate to the perils of child rearing when you haven’t done it yourself. Like a clown falling off the Empire State Building, we know that the situations the couple is led into should be funny, but when face meets pavement it’s a sad, empty feeling more than it is a laugh.

Premise: The parents cope with traveling with a child for the first time. Moral: Don’t have kids if you like seeing cool shit.

Seriously, look at the premise of two episodes, and the moral each story:

This was supposed to be a comedy, right?

Premise: After the baby, the marriage is lacking in sex. Moral: Do you like sex? Don’t have kids.

Alcatraz (Fox) In a sentence: Hey look, someone thought the fat guy from Lost deserved his own TV show!

Why it should die: Though we respect the religious beliefs of others, we find it impossible to come to terms with the idea that one could believe in a higher power in light of 2 Broke Girls’ existence.

There’s the stale jokes: Kat Dennings has big boobs! The other girl is blonde! Creeps! Horndogs!

uh…didn’t work so we—Zooey Deschanel, everyone!

Why we want to bang it: Will Arnett gets a lifetime pass for Arrested Development, Christina Applegate is above average in everything she stars in, and Maya Rudolph has a strong enough comedy portfolio to make us believe that this show has the potential to go beyond where it is now.

Which of the following shows maintains a more likely premise:

That may sound a little harsh, but the show is truly an affront to whichever god you worship.

New Girl is the perfect vehicle for all of Zooey Deschanel’s wild, wacky quirks. She manages to evoke grins, giggles and guffaws in equal doses simply by being herself. Seriously, she’s so stinkin’ adorable that we can’t control our childish choice to chain words together into alliterative sentences. What else does that work with? Let’s find out: The cute and cuddly kitten clawed clumsily at the creased corduroys. How adorable! On the other hand: Hitler happily high-fived his henchmen, hearing of the Hebrew Holocaust. That…

In a sentence: Wait, someone explain to us why people have children?

Why we want to bang it: In short, few shows get as much mileage out of willful suspension of disbelief as Person of Interest does.

In a sentence: Hot girls make fun of vaguelydefined stereotypes while looking hot, just like high school!

Marry!

In a sentence: Aww…Zooey Deschanel!

Why we’re proposing: Yes, we’re kinda cheating with a show that technically debuted a year ago, but the fall schedule offered Happy Endings its first chance at a full-slate season. This is a good thing. Happy Endings is ridiculous in how ridiculous it isn’t. The show refuses to get by on lame comedy gags and overdone tropes, and manages to find humor in having the characters act in a way that people actually act, but funnier.

New Girl (FOX)

Kill!

Why it should die: Alcatraz is little more than a extravagant mad lib done up with dark undertones and pseudo-science writing in an attempt to lure in a sizable chunk of Lost fans fiending for another psychodrama fix.

a nerdy Asian, a creepy Eastern European cook and the token black guy. Then there’s the laugh track. Nothing says, “we think the show’s demographic is a group of vegetative-state slapdicks” like a laugh track. It’s like the producers are screaming, “she spilled soup on her tits, laugh, monkeys! Do it now so Chevy will buy some more truckin’ ads!”

One can easily picture the writing room, a bunch of suits lording over feeble, weak-willed writers willing to put pen to paper for a quick paycheck. Every time a writer submits a draft, it’s sent back moments later with notes littered with impossible-to-decipher demands like, “needs more intrigue” or “lacking techno mumbo-jumbo.” The end result is a show that just kind of exists for the sake of existing. To make a food allegory that only Hurley could love, it would be like ten chefs

trying to cook the same steak. Each one would try to improve the cut of meat in their own way. One would broil it. Another would move it to a grill, someone would try to pan fry it. In the end, it’s a charred husk of its former self. At this point the guests don’t want to eat it, but they’re thinking, “well, we already drove here, why the hell not?”

the music page

the black sheep interviews:

Bad Veins

Bad Veins, a rock duo hailing from lovely Cincinnati, Ohio, are an up-and coming band known for melding a unique sound with pop sensibility. Frontman Benjamin Davis chatted with us about just that prior to the release of their album, The Mess We Made, debuting on April 24th. The Black Sheep: Your new album, The Mess We’ve Made, drops on April 24th. How did, or how does, the creative process work in a band that only has two members? Benjamin Davis: Well, that’s a loaded question. I think that a four-piece band would be a lot different from how we do it. Undeniably, I am a control freak, and I have my hand in everything. That’s even true with [drummer] Sebastien’s work. With just us two, we talk openly about ideas all the time, and I have to try to create room for him to be creative. TBS: Bad Veins was intended to be a solo project for you, but you later found Sebastien and wanted him to be a part of the work, correct? Ben: Yeah. For me, he had the work ethic I was looking for in a bandmate. A lot of people don’t believe that one could be a musician for a living, and they don’t understand the baby steps a group needs to take to get there. There’s that old saying, “The difference between a goal and a dream is a plan.” I feel like most people don’t have that plan, and a lot of other bands think, “Well, we’ll never be big, so why practice?” Sebastien saw that there are achievable goals and wants to put in the work to make it happen. That’s a rare trait in a person.

cd review

out now

TBS: How do you view your new album in light of your other work? Ben: I don’t think that our dynamic has changed between the first two records— we approach making music the same way. On this album, though, I had a lot more attention to detail, and there’s a lot more to listen to—to wrap your brain around—and that’s largely because I spent more time composing and arranging on this album.

ofwgkta The OF Tape, Vol. 2 Odd Future delivers yet again, one swear word at a time. After putting themselves on the map last year and slapping us all in the face with their hardcore beats, OFWGKTA (more simply referred to as Odd Future) has come back to grace our presence with their fourth album, The OF Tape, Vol. 2. Last summer’s emergence of The Odd Future Tape was actually made in 2008, but became public-attention (more or less) when they were put on the Pitchfork Music Festival line-up. So, naturally, everyone started freaking out about them. They swear a lot, and “misogynistic” doesn’t even seem like a harsh enough term to describe these dudes who casually rap about graphic rape. But, we’ve had a year to digest their intensity, and I’d like to think we’re all over the initial shock value (primarily brought forth by the infamous, bratty frontman, Tyler, the Creator). No, this time around we can really listen to their music, be entertained by their seriously wacky antics and focus less on their shtick. The first single is “Rella,” which came out with an equally entertaining music video. The beat is fast and subtle, with the rap flow as crisp as the lyrics are witty (“Then my dick went limp so, took

about 3 pills of Extenzo / Now my dick’s longer than a 5 door limo.”) It’s also nice to see that Frank Ocean is still with the group (after being featured on a few tracks for Kanye and Jay-Z’s mega-collaboration Watch the Throne, I could see Tyler’s bitchass getting pissy about it, but it’s cool to see they’re still “homies” or something). His truly great singing voice is also refreshing to the normally scrappy rapping, especially in “Analog 2.” Just about every song on The OF Tape, Vol. 2. has something about it that makes it different from the one before it, and that’s ultimately what makes this album so great. For some bizarre reason, however, there are two songs, “50” and “We Got Bitches,” that sound as though they were produced differently, or recorded differently, or something. They sound so out of place, so much less… polished—it sounds so thrown together that it’s kind of funny. “We Got Bitches,” especially, is like a throwback to a terrible wannabe rapper who brags way too much about what they’ve got when they really just got an album advance and will be in serious debt in about a year: “We got bitches, we got bitches, we got bitches.

TBS: You talk about having your hand in a lot of the music behind this band, but how has Sebastien’s presence shaped the group? Ben: What Seb brings to the band is incredible, because I would not or could not do what we do without him. I often compare him to the Muppet Animal. They’re both drummers, they’re both crazy and if you add an Animal to your band, you’d have to keep them under control, making sure that they’re fitting into the world you’re working in.

GRADE A-

We got diamonds, we got diamonds, we got diamonds. We got cars, we got cars, we got cars. We got Jacuzzis, and your bitch be on my dick.” Cool…and original! Bitches, diamonds, cars, Jacuzzis. So, party it’s like it’s 1999?

TBS: How do you strike the balance between doing right by your fans and maintaining a fresh sound? Ben: Seb and I both really love pop music. We like rock—when we’re on tour we’ll have some Zeppelin or some Sabbath—but we’ll also get into Katy Perry or Fleetwood Mac. Anything that has accessibility and pop sensibility we like. I feel like I have to make that music, and coincidentally other people seem to like it. So, the harder I work at my craft, the closer I actually get to pop music.

At the end of the day, though, for a group of ambitious and confident rappers who barely qualify as 20-somethings, these dudes have a sweet future in front of them. Last summer it would have been easy to write them off as a one-time deal that were just wilin’ out and got lucky with a few songs, had some laughs, and got into some trouble. The truth is, these guys have talent. And that talent is blatantly apparent on this album. OFWGKTA knows how to draw in fans (by putting Tyler’s face and beautiful long locks as the head of a centaur who also happens to be a fan of coke) and also how to keep them (by continuing to make awesome rap music).

TBS: You won the Target Music Maker Award, as well as a few other accolades. How do you qualify that in your terms of success? Ben: I definitely don’t revel in awards. If anything I’m cursed with the “now what?” syndrome, where I can never enjoy anything because I want to figure out what’s next. Sometimes that’s good—it keeps you going and makes you want to get better, but at the same time you never enjoy it.

Sounds Like: A passive-aggressive man who somehow still has swagger. Download: Rella, Lean, Oldie Listen to it When: You’re fittin’ to get hype.

TBS: And what are one of these live shows like? Ben: You should expect to hear things you don’t normally hear, because of the backing tracks we choose to use. Harps, woodwinds, brass, lush arrangements to flesh out the music. Now you don’t see that stuff a lot.

TBS: When you tour do you find you have a hard time translating your sound? Ben: We use the old binary reel-to-reel tape deck and we place it center stage for a live show. So, while we’re not trying to recreate the album live, the elements of it are there. We don’t try to trick anyone into thinking we’re reproducing the sound ourselves, though.

UPCOMING RELEASES Lionel Richie - Tuskegee Madonna - MDNA

Overkill - The Electric Age Flying Colors - Flying Colors

Iron Maiden - En Vivo! Justin Townes Earle - Nothing’s Going to Change...

Britt Nocle -Gold Clay Aiken - Steadfast

Are you mad about petitions? sign me! evans prater wrote this As I was selling t-shirts in the Union last week, a girl approached my booth and asked me to sign a petition to “increase the amount of vegan food options” in on-campus dining. I signed it just to be nice, but it reminded me that vegans are about as cool as leg amputations. Later that day, I was at a meeting for work, and was informed that some on campus organization just passed a referendum disallowing Chick-fil-A from occupying the recently out-of-business Circle K, right across from Ruby Diamond. Apparently, this was because Chick-fil-A supported anti-homosexual lobbyists in Congress. I’m all for gay rights, but stopping one Chick-fil-A from being built is not going to stop anti-gay-dudes-fucking lobbyists lobbying in everyone-fucking-up Congress. Doesn’t food make us happy? Isn’t that why we eat it? Then why would they want to mess with our sagging levels of happiness? I mean, we’re in college. C’mon. Just walking around town you’re bound to be asked to sign some pointless petition to raise awareness about seal clubbing or to give more money to some “nonprofit” organization in Africa that’s going to stop child trafficking. I think we can all agree: activists are about as useful as Rick Santorum. So why do we put up with them? Why don’t we, the funny people, start our own petition? How about one to increase how many girls just walk up to me and give me their phone numbers? Or a petition to allow porn access on campus Wi-Fi? Or why not ask them to pay US to go to

school? Those assholes! Have you ever seen one of these activist’s petitions actually make a difference? No. Chick-fil-A will still prosper as a multiquadrillion dollar corporation severing the necks of unsuspecting chickens all over the world, and simultaneously filling the bellies and increasing the overall level of happiness of Bible Belt America. Vegans will still have to shop at New Leaf market. And they’ll still be as entertaining as Colin Farrell. Or how about the Occupiers? What have they accomplished? Establishing a semi-permanent home for hobos and iPhone enthusiasts alike. Good job, bros. So, please, just stop. We’re still going to eat meat, drink whiskey, and make jokes about abortions and STDs. There’s no stopping the mass corporations from killing “innocent” animals and us remaining atop the food chain. Haven’t you ever seen The Lion King? This is the Circle of Life, bitches. So I guess what I’m saying is, if you really, really think society is so bad and all these petitions are going to make a difference, you should probably reconsider…you know…being a member of society. Society will keep on chugging along with or without you, and since you’re never going to be complacent, just pack up your stuff, go into the woods, and start a nice little vegan subsistence farm. There you’ll be safe from

the evils of the giant fast food empires, the dangers of all that terrible MSG and the cries of a million dying, immobile cows. Maybe then you’ll be happy, and we won’t have to listen to you whine. Everyone wins

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Bartenderof the Issue

Jessica That one bar

Name: Whatever you want to call me, honey!

Do you regret not joining in?: Um... maybe just a little.

Age: Old enough to know better, young enough to do it anyway.

So, cocktails or shots?: Definitely shots. You can’t put low-quality liquor in a shot.

How long have you been working here?: Nine months. What’s your craziest work memory?: So far? Definitely the sex. ...excuse me?: No, not me! Customers. They were really drunk. Oh, that makes more sense. How often does that happen?: Only the once.

Which one’s your favorite?: Tequila! What’s your least favorite kind of customer?: Lurkers. If you’re going to sit here, talk to me! I don’t bite...hard. Vampires or werewolves?: Robots. So no Twilight then?: Ugh, no.

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the crossword: the united states

the clues

14 15 16

N E WY O R K

Down The state's name is Spanish for "snow-clad." 3 The first motion picture theater opened here in 1902. 4 The United States Air Force Academy is located here. marketing team 7 Microsoft Aaron Ramirez (Manager) is headquartered here. Philippa Main (Rep) Big 10 Tomahawk Sports Bar Liqour Loft Tatty Daddy Laura9Newman (Rep) the Confederate In 1861 Flag Proof Gumbys Gordon Safko (Rep) Shisa Cafe Pitaria was first flown in this state. Jimmie Johns Super Lube Lauren (Rep) Mr. Robotos Subway 10 Kirk The BadgerTropical State. Renegade Smoothie Momo’s Target Copy 11 director This state was the firstFSUto campus Credit Union Donut Kingdom Wing Zone Sleep Inn Amendment, Brendan ratify Bonham the 13th Coldstone The Art of the Catwalk Starbucks Furrin auto abolishing slavery. ABC Liquors Mike’s Beer Barn Founders Ruby Tuesdays Bullwinkle’s 12 Colonial blue and buff are this Magic and Fun costume Atomic Coffee James Tufenkdjian shop McDonald’s state's officialYianni’s state colors. TCBY Skylar Fillmore High Point Irish Pub the nation's 14 This state hosts Brendan Bonhan 1111 on High Ken’s Guthries Pour Paul’s most activeMiller’s volcano. Atish Doshi Wing Stop Ale House

C O L O R T A 9 D A O L 12 D A S E E B L A K L A H O M A W A A R E

N E V Y L A N D D E A 7 W T H D A K O S 10 H W I I 13 T E N N E S G C 15 T O X I C O N N S I M O N T A N

across: 2) The first railroad in America was found in this state. (2 words) 5) This state gave up territory when Washington D.C. was created. 6) The only state in the union with a one-syllable name. 8) Sturgis, located here, hosts the Black Hills Classic. 13) The city of Murfreesboro lies in the

C 5 M A L 6 M A I F 8 S O R N 11 I I L A 14 L H I A 16 N E WM O A I I S I

Down 1 The state's name is Spanish for "snow-clad." 3 The first motion picture theater opened here in 1902. 4 The United States Air Force Academy is located here. 7 Microsoft is headquartered here. 9 In 1861 the Confederate Flag was first flown in this state. 10 The Badger State. 11 This state was the first to ratify the 13th Amendment, abolishing slavery. 12 Colonial blue and buff are this state's official state colors. 14 This state hosts the nation's most active volcano.

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exact geographical center of this state. 15) The National Cowboy Hall of Fame is located here. 16) This state had the highest state capital above sea level. (2 words) 17) The largest Grizzly Bear population in the lower 48 is found in this state. DOWN: 1) The state’s name is Spanish for “snow-clad.” 3) The first motion picture theater opened here in 1902. 4) The United States Air Force Academy is located here. 7) Microsoft is headquartered here. 9) In 1861 the Confederate Flag was first flown in this state. 10) The Badger State. 11) This state was the first to ratify the 13th Amendment, abolishing slavery. 12) Colonial blue and buff are this state’s official colors. 14) This state hosts the nation’s most active volcano.

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oss first railroad in America found in this state. (2 ds) state gave up territory n Washington D.C. was ated. campus manager only stateMegan in the union Fontaine a one-syllable name. editorial manager gis, located here, hosts Laura Bradley Black Hills Classic orcycle Advertising Rally. (2 ManagerS Words) city of Murfreesboro Stefanie Lipton in the exact Austin O’Mahony Ashley Weil graphical center of this e. distribution National Cowboymanager Hall Evans Prater ame is located here. state has the highest Writers e capital above Stephen sea Brown Chelsea Onik l. (2 Words) Ashley Romano largest Grizzly Bear Jill Bordonaba ulation in the lower Jason Montes 48 und in this Carmen state.Dual

Across 2 The first railroad in America was found in this state. (2 Words) 5 This state gave up territory when Washington D.C. was created. 6 The only state in the union with a one-syllable name. 8 Sturgis, located here, hosts the Black Hills Classic Motorcycle Rally. (2 Words) 13 The city of Murfreesboro lies in the exact geographical center of this state. 15 The National Cowboy Hall of Fame is located here. 16 This state has the highest state capital above sea level. (2 Words) 17 The largest Grizzly Bear population in the lower 48 is found in this state.

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